notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I've reported your post to the administration. We are here to support each other. We are not here to solicit or to be solicited.
i appreciate your nice intentions.
you wrote:
“How nice it is if people are aware that there may be other options, tasks and responsibilities each member can take on.”
yes, sure.
but it’s a bit like saying, “if only everyone would see how wonderful peace is, we would have peace on earth.”
the point is, some family members don’t want to take on any of the tasks. (sometimes for valid reasons; sometimes not).
“my purpose is to help outside siblings to see that their daily challenges is everyone’s problem and crisis in the family.”
actually, many people have the attitude, “it’s not my problem.”
(again, sometimes for valid reasons; sometimes not).
“their daily challenges is everyone’s problem”
no.
————
i understand you have a program that charges money, training people.
i myself would warn against the program.
it is NOT a good sign that the creator of the program writes such naïve sentences.
I appreciate your concern and especially with the point about my email. That’s not my personal email though it’s a company email.
I thought The whole point of this forum was how coming from dysfunctional families can add weight to caregiving. My only purpose of sharing something either from my own personal experience, website or information I know of that was to share something supportive of caregivers.
Because of my knowledge and experience of the many issues and daily challenges of caregivers, especially individuals working 24/7 without a support system, my purpose is to help outside siblings to see that their daily challenges is everyone’s problem and crisis in the family. This is especially true if the person is a sick parent with adult children.
We hear a lot about caregiving burnout and how this can take a physical and emotional toll on the caregivers health but unless you are the sibling working without support you may not be aware of what they go through.
I’ve seen videos and information a wealth of information that shows if that Main Family Caregivers health breakdown then the family could have two sick people needing help, the caregiver and the person needing care and the burden of responsibility could fall on another sibling unexpectedly.
I know of a personal experience where this happened in a family that did not communicate like they should with each other about their mothers health with dementia. One weekend out of no where that sibling decided to take Momma to visit another sibling for the weekend with the intention of leaving her. This is exactly what they did and overnight that siblings life and household changed.
This is why, for families that can put aside any differences when a love one needs total care, if they can have a plan of action in place and learn how to work together, it can take some of the load off of just one individual and the burden of responsibility does not have to be placed abruptly on another sibling.
When a medical situation happens that forces a family member to need total care, many families are at a lost of what to do. This only adds to an already dysfunctional family. How nice it is if people are aware that there may be other options, task and responsibilities each member can take on. But is starts by members being willing to put aside their differences and look at the problem at hand, as “Our Family Crisis, Our Family Emergency.”
My name is Lynnel. I want to say I am so happy that you created this thread because this is a REAL PROBLEM for many. I have over 15 years as a Professional Caregiver known as a DSP and have seen this problem as well as so many others that families have to experience in their daily challenges of 24/7 caregiving.
I agree it is so hard for individuals especially the Main Family Caregiver to convince other siblings living outside of the home of what Never Ending Caregiving can do to the caregiver Physically and Emotionally!
It is for this reason I created an online program to help these individuals AND THEIR OUTSIDE SIBLINGS see that this crisis is EVERYONES crisis. I demonstrate the sad consequences and reality of what can happen if these individuals are not supported and give practical suggestions and a list of at least 10 task these outside siblings can do to be supportive, even if they live in another state.
Please let me know your comments and I hope this is helpful.
Thank you,
Life is meant to be enjoyed by all. It should wonderful. Each and every day. How other people become so mean is a mystery to me right now but obviously an answer exists. Do your best. I mean your real best. Go the extra mile, Have honor. Live your own life. It's finite and you alone should determine the best way to happiness. Seek out people with the same mindset. Get professional advice, if you can. There are free resources in many cities and towns. Right now the world is turmoil but it will get better. Do you part to make it better. This will create the culture of peace, prosperity, health and happiness for everyone.
sharyn - so happy your bro is home. Awesome!!!!
glad - been thinking of you and your move to a new place and job. Wondering how you ae doing?
barb - how's the cruise?
I’ve also been dealing with a senior kitty with health issues and she stopped eating on Saturday. It could have been because I was transitioning her back to kitten food which has higher fat and calories which may have caused tummy upsets. I took her back to tge shelter on Monday, their vet gave her additional fluids, a b 12 injection and gave me an ointment to put in her ear every 24-48 hours to stimulate her appetite. They had already given the ointment in her ear. So far I have not had to give more. Today she is eating normally and she is getting lots of attention from my grandsons this week due to spring break. Bobbie wants out more so I’m letting her in the master bedroom daily where she sleeps comfortably and content most of the afternoon.
My mom is too lazy to exercise and too scared to get any form of PT for fear of Covid. She also insults my intelligence at times. She gets her showers just once a week and since we sprung forward an hour, she's decided to bump her showers back an hour and go by standard time instead of the actual time.
I wish she would be out of bed more than just once a week and love me enough to slap the caregiving duties onto someone else.
My sis in love needs prayers too as she advocates for my brother is unrelenting in his care. She stays in his room with him and she performs many duties the nurses would normally do but even at Stanford, there is a shortage. Pray for both of them. Thank you so much.
trying - good article! I found there were people who got it, and people who didn't. Mostly, for me, the people involved with her care "got it". Honestly I didn't feel very guilty about not allowing my mother to stay with me. I made that decision years before it became a question and was supported by my kids, my dh, friends and counsellors which helped a lot. Sometimes there aren't great choices and we have to take what works for us and that's OK. ((((((hugs))))
https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html
I swear I'm not affiliated with the author but much of what she talks about I feel. So many people who don't know what it's like working through bureaucracy of getting help have no idea how hard it is and how guilty we feel when we don't want our mothers in our home.
https://www.verywellmind.com/grandiosity-in-bipolar-disorder-definition-and-stories-378818
sharyn - family will use you if you cooperate with their requests. There comes a time to say no. My dd and her dh had to say no to her adult son a while ago They would have to had borrow the money that he wanted from them. No way! He was living beyond his means. Of course, that is his choice -and it is also their choice not to accommodate him. Glad you are holding firm to your boundaries and know what you can and can't do. I had to pull the plug on loaning money to my dil. It escalated and repayment was very slow and reluctant. She doesn't talk to me anymore and that's OK.
((((((Pam)))))) I understand this so well. My sis is like your bil. She wants me to be her servant. Until your hub realizes he is being used and doesn't want to play that game anymore it will keep happening. I guess you know that already. The only thing that I can see you being able to do it set boundaries which you did by saying don't deliver, let bro come and pick up his own meat. Personally I would set the limit of not buying anything more for bro. You earn money that goes into the family coffers. You have a say in how it is spent! I came to a better awareness of these kind of dynamics in my family relationships by the on-my-behalf indignation of friends as to how I was being treated. When you grow up with it you see it as normal, even though it doesn't feel good. It can't feel good to your hub to be treated like this. I am glad you are supporting him in a healthier direction.
Weepy again yesterday - not sure why. Its coming up three months from the hits of ex's death, and dgd and dd with lumps, so I think it is a kind of grieving. I am very hopeful about her recovery but I can still see her face as she came out of her doctor's office having heard the feared cancer diagnosis. I was glad I had driven her down that time as she wasn't in good shape to drive herself that day.
Have a good one, all. I'm going to try to get more sleep!
My daughter in love contacted me a week ago last Saturday. They need $1,495 to pay the movers who will be delivering their belongings the next day, Sunday February 27. I told her we can’t. We already gave them $750 before they left California which we told them they have 2 years to pay back. They got the money from her two sisters.
we are having to cut back which includes dropping Direct TV and selling my hubs Jeep to pay off the loan. I can’t drive the Jeep because I have too much pain with the seats and the seats can’t be adjusted close enough for my short legs to comfortably use the gas and break pedals. Yes, I am tall, but I’m short legged, Lol! We told them we can’t help.
In May we plan on a trip to Colorado to bring them two end tables and a tv table I bought second hand. This is all we can do. As parents of adult children, we can only do so much. We are not an endless well.
My trick? I still walk the hall, three miles most days, yes really. It is then that I figure out what I will tackle next.
Great news about your daughter, Golden. We can only do what we can do.
I am enormously relieved that dd's cancer is responding to the drugs, I think she has a very good chance of complete recovery. She is 56 but looks much younger, has no comorbidities, and works out.
The snow is melting here and temps very reasonable. Going out to get the mail was enjoyable! 😊
My son is here this weekend helping me pack for my move. Got a lot done, and we are both exhausted! Early to bed tonight.
I'm glad her treatment seems to be working!