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Golden, you and others here on AC have taught me the wisdom in saying "no" when we have to. It doesn't come easy for compassionate people, and I'm sure even less easy for a mother whose daughter is going through chemo. It will pass -- but I get that it still puts you through a wringer. Weather was so nice and sunny here today, too! Spring is on the way. 🌷 I hope you feel better soon. (((((hugs)))))
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Just lost a post.

sharyn - it isn't easy but your heart is in the right place

Welcome Chirpy. Sounds difficult to live with but unless your hub sees there is a problem he s not likely to change. His self-centered parents trained him well. Have you sought counselling to help you deal with this and maybe set some boundaries? It must be very stressful for you.

ali - while living in a dysfun fam we learn many dysfun ways. Identifying the problem is the first and a big step. I am still a work in progress.

On the dd front good news. The chemo is working even after only one session. The lump is already smaller. She has her second session next week, with some small alterations in dose to reduce the D and better meds so we are hopeful that she will not repeat what happened before.

I had a meltdown today - just too much going on. DD asked me to drive her next week to two appointments, one at 9:30 and the other at 11 the next day. As much as I want to do everything I can to help her, I have my limitations -particularly my age, the CFS/FM and the fact that I am moving house in a few months and am downsizing and preparing to sell. Also the fact that since her diagnosis I have less support than usual and am being asked to give more than usual doesn't help either. I wish I could do whatever she needs me to, I wish I could take this all away, I wish I felt better and able to do more, but I can't and I don't. I am coming out of a relapse, and mornings are not my thing anyway. I called her and she understands and says whatever she asks is always framed with what I feel I can do and "No I can't" is fine, but my mother's heart wants to do it and feels bad when I can't. On top of that were several smaller things which added to my frustration - once more the bank has something wrong, a laptop died, Google is misbehaving, the plumber didn't come when he said he would and so on.

However, this too will pass. The weather is above freezing. Yay!!!!!

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. 😊
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Hi Chirpy, welcome. If he's sick then he needs help, but there are plenty of services now that will deliver groceries, medicines, etc., to anyone who's homebound. I'm reading between the lines that this isn't related to FIL being sick as much as it's related to him being demanding of his kids, though. Why not suggest that hubs helps his dad set up delivery services? Sorry you're fed up and frustrated.
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I’m new here and not sure if I’m posting correctly but hoping im not alone. My entire marriage (40 +) years has taken a back seat to my in-laws and im about to walk out ! My FIL is elderly and sick and has total control over his 4 adult kids who run for his every need and it’s disgusting. My husband has been doing his grocery shopping and errand runs for the last 5 years with NO monetary compensation whatsoever and this is fine by my husband but it’s not with me. The man calls his cell phone to tell my husband what he needs and wants and my husband does it. I’ve had it
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Wishing I had the good sense to zip my big mouth more often. I've been thinking about it lately. Hothead genes run in my family and I struggle with executive function at times (trouble with emotional/behavioral impulsiveness), but I'd like to think I can evolve to someone more level and constructive. It's a journey. I've been reducing medication recently and that's contributing to emotional flare-ups. I don't want to be too reliant on pills or over medicated. I don't have a good feeling about the meds and increasing quantity my doc has Rx'd the past two years.

Some things have improved so much for me in the past 5 years, other things remain the same old struggle. It's tough to own up to my own long-standing dysfunctional ways and habits. I thought sharing some about my own journey to consciously tackle self-dysfunction might resonate with some of you.
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Golden, I do have to be mindful of using pronouns like they, them and their when discussing them. I do slip occasionally using she or her.
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Duck, great news about your mom. How are you? Are you still in the house with your twister sissie. Hope she and nephew are leaving you alone.
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sharyn - one of my grandsons is now non binary, He switched genders as a young adult then went back to being a male, as he is genetically, and now has gone non binary. This most recent change seems to be his way of coping with his dad's death. I agree respect and compassion is the way to go. They are still the same person.

yoda - I think we have many here experiencing PTSD from a variety of sources

glad - I remember those days. Goodness - how far so many of us have come, with the invaluable support found here.

(((((((duck)))))) I have been wondering how you are. Good news that your mother has proper care and services in an NH. It has been a very long and difficult journey for you and I hope you can relax a bit now. I also hope that your sis and nephew aren't causing you any trouble.

dd - Following her recent post-chemo experience, she is lining up resources here and I believe intends to have additional chemos locally. The 5 hr road trip back after a chemo session doesn't do her any good and the hospital took very good care of her. The large amount of info she has been given is on paper (in this day and age???) so she has gotten help to organize that - meds, appointments, advice on how to deal with this and that, etc. Between her ADHD and chemo brain the help is very welcome She is totally the admin person in the house and she is delegating most of that to and some other jobs to dgd who wants to help. What I can offer is emotional support (lots of texting), some $$$'s to help with some of the additional, expenses, extra bedding though we hope we have a better handle on the post chemo D now and so on.
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Duck, I'm so glad things are working out!
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Glad, Sharon. I pray you all stay beautifull. Just checking in.
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Greetings everyone. I pray you are all well. I have been off line quite a while. Think of you all often. Just wanted to check in and say hi. My mother is now in Nursing home. This is second one and it seems she is doing much better.. getting services and counseling accepting her situation. She was very combative first few months in and out of hospital. Now sedatives are on point she's calm and seems happy.
Golden, Church , Barb Ali Book I hope you are all well. Peace love c and healing to everyone.
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I posted this on another thread and thought I would copy it here for old times sake.

Recovery from caregiving is still important in my daily life. I tend to isolate a lot and Covid really helped do that very effectively. I do appreciate all the support I found here, when I really needed it!

Nasty letters? Not from mom but nasty letters sent from each twisted sister to others. That is the passive aggressive ways of my origin family.

TS1 sent a packet, yes a packet on bullying to several family members, including to my mom's husband. I was caring for him and mom for four years, he had general decline but still very sharp. Mom lost in the depths of dementia. TS1 was angry because I was there helping them and thought it was a result of my bullying them that I was there. Twisteds really preferred their denial at that point and thought there were no dementia problems there and TS1 never visited or assisted. She lives about 5 miles away. She was afraid of me verbally assaulting her, the therapist!😂😂

TS2 sent letters to professionals that my mom had hired over the years. The list included the CPA, attorneys, doctors, etc. She was wanting to verify the extent of the dementia, whether mom needed care, what was appropriate care and the value of home care all the while telling these people what mistakes, as she judged, I had made in my life, including my first marriage 35 years earlier even some things that went back to high school. I found out about the TS2 letter because mom's husband showed it to me. He was hurt and astounded by the accusations made against me. He and I were very close.

The TS2 letter sent to the pros was given to me by mom's husband again after it was given to him by their CPA. Again the hurt for him. I scanned and sent that to TS2 and she was angry that someone had given it to me. Of course, I did not tell her where it came from.

Just a sampling of the craziness of my two twisted sisters. I haven't talked with TS1, the therapist in about five years now.

I should have posted this to the dysfunctional family thread. Ahhh, the memories.and the support I received from so many here when I needed it the most.💕💕
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One more book to the three I listed. This is a most recent recommendation from the childhood trauma group that I'm part of.


The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse Kindle Edition by Ellen Bass  (Author), Laura Davis  (Author)
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Wow, this thread is 10 years old. I think I first came here in 2009. Ya'll have been so helpful. As Golden likes to remind everyone, take care of yourself and do something good for yourself today.
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Thank you, NoTry. Very helpful.
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PTSD is a well-known term describing the after results of adult trauma

C-PTSD is an emerging term describing the after results of childhood trauma.

Such trauma experiences may range from overt physical incest, covert emotional incest, to the toxic divorce of one's parents to CEN, i.e. childhood emotional neglect, as in a parent or parents not meeting our emotional needs as a child, etc. For some, all of these fit.

While many think the impact of covert emotional incest is not as bad as overt physical incest, they surprisingly have the same symptoms. That's what the literature shows.

Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is not in the DSM yet, but I hope it will soon be there.

I've said all of this to present three helpful books.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker

Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach To Regaining Emotional Control And Becoming Whole  by Arielle Schwartz

Complex PTSD Workbook for Women: Practical Growth Guidebook for Thriving Recovery, Mind-Body Treatment for Overcoming Trauma Caused by Childhood Neglect, Sexual or Domestic Abuse by Jessica Ellen Hammock

These are but a few on this subject. I've seen the first two mentioned often in an online trauma group that I am part of.

I hope some find these helpful. Several are available as kindle books for reading on your phone or computer.
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*Scusi, I just thought of something re: old phones related to elder needs, and thought I would share here. I applied on behalf of my dad to receive a cell phone with basic service. I believe that was through the "Obama phone" program. They reset and provide older/donated phones to seniors and those in need. A quick Google lists several programs that seek donated phones: Secure the Call, Cell Phones for Soldiers, etc. I'll ship my old phones and the charity can determine if they're useful or not. Good idea, Pamz. I was going to chuck them.
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Sharyn, wishing them well.
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Glad, it is difficult for our generation to understand. My son and daughter have issues. I’ve learned we just have to accept, learn to understand and be respectful. Yes, they are very fully indoctrinated to Denver weather! No more SoCal 65 degree winters. My son k we that after working there a few years ago.

Ali, yes, we love this child and accept them as they are. Her mother has been the only person who has stood up for her. Whether they stay no. Binary or evolve to lesbian life style later, all we want is a happy person who accepts themself. We will do all we can to see that it happens. Thank you for your input and understanding. Each person is precious as they are. ❤️💕❤️
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Pamz, I have rolls of film, negatives, CDs with images, memory sticks, and a few phones, too. Technology has changed too fast to keep up. I'll donate the newest laptop I'm not using, if I can. The rest are outdated and can't be upgraded. That might help you decide what to do with the phones. If they can't run modern software then they're likely useless.

I like Golden's take: The important memories are the ones in our minds, and life is new every day.

I still have four computers sitting in my office area waiting for me to do *something* with them. Oy vey. lol
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Sharyn, I believe that anyone who would judge an 11yo who's been through sexual abuse, with no family coming to their defense, is heartless. The psychological effects alone of that betrayal would be enough to cause confusion or rebellion against gender/sex roles. And I've read some basic studies about trans/NB brains and there is a biological correlation/basis, too. I'm so glad to hear they have support from family. Wherever they're headed with their own identity is up to them, but with acceptance and time I hope they'll find their way to wherever they're going.

I'm glad people feel more comfortable expressing themselves. An acquaintance once said to me, "We don't have gay people in Iran." Of course that's because they would be killed if they came out! I think we have to let people be, and realize that these qualities have always been present in humans but it's only recently in many societies that someone can talk openly about their own orientations and pursue options that seem right to them. I hope society will be patient and accepting, and understanding will grow in time. Hope all of this sounds kind, in the spirit it was intended.

I'm proud of you and your family for being loving and supportive of a child who needs that.
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Ali i get your issue about old laptops! I have about 20 old cell phones from my family and DD and her friends.. what to do with them? I don;t know how to wipe them, but I would love to donate them !
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Sharyn, how terribly difficult for the step. And such a young and tender age to try to figure this out. All of this is so new and hard for so many to understand. I honestly have compassion for the young people. So much has gone wacky I this world. Patience and understanding is the right thing to do. Sorry, if this seems awkward, it is. I have never written anything at all, anywhere on this subject.

Your son and family are sure getting a good introduction to winter weather which has been busy this week.
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SharynMMarie,

no judgement except for those who have not stood up for her

otherwise love, compassion and prayers for the stepdaughter (person) :(

If she is on Facebook, I know of a private group for those thus traumatized. PM me for more information
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My son and dil have moved near Denver. My son wants to adopted his step daughter. Apparently her father is willing give up his rights. He has remarried and has two other children to support

I say step daughter…..keep in mind that there very different designations in the world we live in. We accept her as she is.


she has chosen to be non binary. They do not what to be designed as a female or a male. I suspect they will lesbian in the long run. I could be wrong. I use non gender pronouns in regards to them. They were molested by an uncle on the fathers side. No one on the fathers has stood up for her. She believes woman have little rights after what she has gone through.

im just going to leave this here and hope those that comment are loving, understanding and realize we can’t be judge mental with an 11 year old.
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Golden, I’m so very sorry to learn of your family issues with your daughter especially. I’m sending prayers and hugs to you 🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
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Thx all. I appreciate the support.

I am having a very quiet weekend doing some reflection. It's just over 3 years since mother passed and a lot has happened since. Ex and my friend of 70 years have passed, another long time friend has Alz., oldest son has diabetes, dd has cancer and I am closer to moving a bit south. I have been in this house for over 40 years and it has many memories, both good and bad, but I know it is time for me to move on to a smaller place.

tdub -so glad you are finding that book insightful. Learning about my family's disorders/mental illnesses/dysfunctions/ gaslighting/quirks/whatever has been very validating for me. Great that the light box is helping too. Take care.
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Two new things for me this week:

1) Reading an excellent book entitled "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson. It isn't a new publication but it is new to me and I am finding it very insightful.

2) Borrowed a light therapy box from the library, of all things.

The combination of the two seems to be helping to sustain an even keel this week.
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