notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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That friend died about a week ago. She and her mother lived in Scotland in the town where I went to university. I first met Anne and we became friends about 10 years before that when we were both 14. That's 70 years ago. Her home and her mother's hospitality offered me a safe place when my family was trying to destroy my last year of studies and my reputation. Anne and her mother simply didn't believe the lies they were told. They welcomed me as always and I can't express what that meant to me, and my emotional health, and self esteem. They were truly beautiful, loving people.
It's been quite a month and I hope that things ease up for a while. Right now I have to let the feelings wash over me like a heavy rain and trust that the sun, which I know is behind the clouds, shines through soon. RIP Anne. You were a wonderful friend.
Thank you all for being here and being part of my cyber family. ((((((hugs)))))).
Funny about the laptops. I don't bother as much about keeping the photos any more. I do store some but let others go. They stay in my memory if they are important to me. And life brings new things every day.
Re trauma - This is my experience
as written by Catherine Woodiwiss,
"Trauma permanently changes us.
This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop.
This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage."
for further thoughts by the same author see https://sojo.net/articles/new-normal-ten-things-ive-learned-about-trauma
Like you said, I am not the people and circumstances that added that darkness to my life. That's a good way to put it.
Sharing the rest of this post just for giggles... :-)
So in that regard, since I am not my hoarder parents, I pulled out my four (4!) unused old computers tonight and will make sure all personal stuff on them is stored to a cloud or a storage device, and then discard or donate them. That's the only reason I still have them, is to make sure all personal data is off of them then wipe/reset before discarding. One is an old desktop that, last time I tried to use it 15 years ago, showed the blue screen of death. I kept it around to see if I could get the priceless pictures off of it but it might be a done deal. I'll try to fire it up, do what I can, then move on. No hoarding anything for me. They were all neatly put away but STILL! No hoarding! lol If it doesn't serve a purpose, it needs a new home... probably in a landfill.
I looked on the two laptops I had during caregiving and there are a lot of pictures and videos from that time. I looked at some of them and acknowledged that yeah, I did a lot of thankless work for years, I went through a lot, and I was unprepared for so much of what I would face and unprepared for the emotional toll of it all. It was an extremely difficult time for me and I'm just so glad that's all in the rear view.
Triggers are sneaky things. Words or actions, directly or indirectly, can set in motion so many emotions and memories. The only thing I hope for when that happens to me is a feeling of peace after the usual catharsis.
I know I am better than the people and circumstances that add(ed) darkness to my life.
I am going to use your wise words as a mantra: "I'm safe, I'm working towards my own life, and I'm out of all of that stuff".
Thank you for sharing and inspiring. Sending hugs.
I could never put all of that emotional/literal mess into words here, nor should I. There were so many things that happened in childhood and caregiving that were beyond my control. It was traumatic for me. Thankfully, I rarely think about that stuff anymore, except to sympathize with other AC posters.
It doesn't help anything that I'm wearing these ladybug-print PJ pants that have a CRAZY story behind them. The gist is that a nutjob CG agency-owner stole some of my GM's new clothes I had bought for her and the owner put back her own old clothes. I'm guessing that's what she did. Either way, she took things and put in other things. These PJ pants didn't fit my GM so I took them because they fit me. Maybe it's time to get rid of them so I don't have reasons/triggers to think about any of the bad stuff that's happened. That's been almost 10 years ago now.
For anyone who's in the middle of an ongoing, unfixable, dysfunctional hands-on caregiving situation, I can only say that you should get out of it, whatever it takes. You can still do caregiving from a safer distance away from the chaos. It takes too high of a toll on your mental and physical health. For me and my situation, and for others who participate in these threads, I know it's a toll that we never fully come back from. (((((hugs)))))
*I was sick today and called off work and slept the entire day. I can tell that I'm more emotional tonight than usual. That's common for me when I'm ill. But it's been a good emotional purge for me to revisit some of this, I think. I'm safe, I'm working towards my own life, and I'm out of all of that stuff.
Did you note how much longer my hair has grown in the pic. I've only had it slightly trimmed during Covid.
One reason that I feel good is I have returned to school, online this time and in another country, just for the sake of learning!
Happy new year to you too. Sounding so positive for the future. I like! 😊
I'm here after seeing a post that I could really respond to. Plus, I've started a new thread asking how many marriages are lost due to caregiving. I've been here since 2009 and have seen a few plus many heading in that direction.
My health is about the same. I'm using a BIPAP now when I sleep. The boys are fine. Our oldest got permission to move back home from Indiana to work online. He has his own apartment here and this is where he went to college for both of his degrees.
I will be 65 in May and thus retire. I am going to wait until my full social security retirement age of 66 1/2 to draw social security.
We are all vaccinated and boostered!
I wish everyone a happy as possible New Year.
Has a giving nature & aims high. Focuses on encouraging independence & has hope for increased insight.
Or in denial, some may say..
I am Ms Black Hat of worry, dread & dire warnings.
Or realistic, depending on your view.
Am nearly at the guardianship stage.. except told siblings will be overruled by parents (if in sound mind). One still is.
So wait it must be.
Does your sister suffer from anosognosia-- not "getting" her deficits? Then yes, you are awaiting a crisis.
Does she have an aide? Can someone else arrange for the aide to be at the event?
I SAID I would no longer be the caregiver. For a long time I went unheard & the expectation & pressure was still there at every extended family event. But I kept to my message. Bring an Aide. I am not your Aide. It still feels somewhat awful to not help, but every little help from me just enabled the dysfunction & delays getting a real solution.
Relative even less able to manage self-care/hygiene than previously. Accidents, odour, soiled. Embarrassed, uncomfortable? Not obviously so. Deep denial? Maybe. Functional decline. Yes I think so.
But now what to do? Stand by & do nothing? Still await the crises? Ensure I am not ever at the same event?
(That's probably what I would suggest to someone else..)
I haven’t been here in an age, so just popping in to tell everybody to have the best 2022 that you can.
wee - No is good - just keep saying it to unreasonable demands. MY CFS/FM is much better since mother died (3 years ago) and I am dealing better with other stresses in my life. I haven't had FM pain for some time. There is hope!!!
sharyn - good to hear about your grands, but not about the snow shoveling and mailboxes. Let hub do it - IMO, you do enough!
barb - Happy New Year to you too.
Between the very cold weather, ex passing and the holidays, I have put on 3 lbs. They are going to come off somehow...and the journey continues.
Take care, all! You are worth it!
Happy New Year!!
i hope everyone has a quite New Year Eve.
I too am learning better coping skills (like NO), just in time. Had a heart scare this last month, that put things in perspective for me. (caused by my narcissistic mother pushing me to do more for her and not believing I have a health problem, that I am just lazy) that put things in perspective for me. If I don't take care of myself I will not have a life, much less a good one! (BTW Heart was okay, radiologist mistake, but it means the ME/CFS is worse and there is no escaping that life sentence!)
So here's to better treatment of ourselves, putting ourselves first so we can be the caretaker, in this new normal! Cheers!
This caregiver is doing much better today than yesterday and all the yesterdays before that.
My decision last year to move closer to my mother to aid with her care has been both a blessing and a burden: In so many ways it is helpful *to me* to be close so that less of my time and energy is used with travelling to and fro, but the increased daily interaction has highlighted for me the simple facts that 1) I have never actually liked her, 2) she is extremely manipulative, and 3) my being ever helpful may make her life easier but it is dragging mine down.
She has no friends and no other family members willing to help. (There are reasons for that, and they are all to do with her difficult personality.) She has care aides 3x/day in addition to me. She is deemed to be mentally competent and therefore the decision not to enter a nursing home is hers and hers alone.
Time to get on with my life. Time for some very clear boundaries. I felt very empowered yesterday when I actually said "I can't help you with that." She was shocked. So was I! And, dang, did it ever feel good.
BTW, to cope with the daily onslaught of her negativity and complaints, "grey rocking" has been useful (when I am able to disengage before feeling my own resentment bubbling up). I am also doing what I am calling "blue lagooning": I am floating in tranquil waters, and all her "noise" is somewhere far off in the distance. Breathing in, breathing out. Warm and safe and lulled by gentle ripples.
I am very grateful for the life I have, for the personality I *did not* inherit from her, and for the fact that I (hopefully!) have a huge chunk of my life still ahead of me.
I am writing this while enjoying a steaming mug of tea, with my fluffy sleeping kitty's paw dangling down the back of the couch and brushing my face. I can hear his gentle little snores. These are the simple pleasures in life that matter.
Wishing everyone a very happy and peaceful 2022.
I eat gluten and dairy free and low carb, regulate stress, work to get good sleep, and have been rid of FM pain for a while now. Various supplements also help, I think. I suspect lifestyle goes a long way towards affecting FM. I have read that many CFS/FM sufferers do better on a low carb diet. I know I do.
FM pain-thought I was going to die yesterday from the pain. Better today.
I might try 30 days with no bread.
Online/Dr. Sten Ekberg/Youtube/Holistic Medicine.
Is he credible? Anyone know?
Edit:
Golden, we have a heat pump for air and heating. Thanks to you I have discovered it does not exchange air from the outside!
But we do have hepa filters. I am opening the windows for for 30 min. and turning on the whole house fan now, just as the rain has started cleaning the Los Angeles air quality. Thanks for this 'discussion'. Feeling ignorant.
My posts are meant for those who can, and those who will.
I appreciated Garden Artist's recommendation so I looked up EWG.
(Environmental Working Group). Learning a lot there.
Another abbreviation for the newbies thread! EWG.
One can ventilate their homes, or be ventilated at the hospital-if you can get a bed. (Did I just actually say that? Extreme, imo.).
sharyn - bet the twins and the pets like the snow.
send - My furnace, and many others, have a fresh air intake. Judging by the drafts I can feel around the doors, I am sure between them, the fresh air intake and the fireplace, the house is well ventilated. Who has a house that doesn't have air leaks? Opening windows, even if they are not frozen shut, is not an option at our winter temperatures
cw - yes!
My black eye is progressing as these things do. I used concealer which, with my glasses, makes me look pretty normal as the swelling has gone down. Got tired of looking bada$$ and I don't want to scare the delivery men. lol Other than that, I really don't have any bruises - a few spots that are a bit sore to touch, but no bruises. Don't understand it, but I am so very thankful. All this is like a tickle compared to FM pain.