The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Kiki, welcome to this forum. You've found a great place with a lot of caring, kind people. This forum has helped me tremendously and I know it can do the same for you.

Kiki, welcome! Deep breaths and take your time. We are here to listen.

Gladimhere is the post that really hit me hard. Wow!!! I absolutely loved your post and really hit me hard. Thank you so much for your words!!!!! I can not begin to tell you how good they made me feel inside. I can’t even describe the feelings I am having over it!!!! There’s so many that I can’t find the one word to describe it. Just know that they are all good feelings and I think you are awesome for saying those words.

Hello everyone!! This is my first time on here and I’ve been reading everyone’s posts and I must say, Wow!!!! There are so many of us out here that go through the same s*@& with our parents and our families!!! It’s shocking to say the least. I’ve read somewhere that our parents are the ones who damage us the most. I know my parents relationship really messed me up and doesn’t help that I also have mental illness run in the family. I was diagnosed as bi-polar but don’t know if that’s right. I think I have all of the mental illnesses combined into one!!!! My life has been okay but just had a lot of bad s^*@ happen to me. Abusive relationships, mentally and physically. Tbh, I don’t even know where to begin so I’ll just start at where I am today and how I’m feeling. Maybe later I can describe my pain from all the hurt I’ve endured my whole life. I am in the process of trying to come out of a severe depression that has gone on for over 4 years now if not longer. It just seems like I’ve had one hard hit after another and I can’t catch my breath and these days I refuse to go out much because I’m afraid I’m going to lose my s*+& and seriously hurt someone. I just can’t take one more thing it seems. I am a very loyal and honest person and I am always helping someone with their problems and neglecting mine. I have dropped all of my friends and most of my family because they’re toxic to me. I’m sorry if I’m all over the place but I’m sitting here hysterical crying because of what happened today and because I found u guys who have made things so much clearer for me. I appreciate every single one of you and for your words that have made me feel better and not so alone anymore. I’m surrounded by people who seem to only want to hurt me and keep me in that deep dark hole of depression but yet they tell me they want the opposite for me. So I’m going to try to make this sound right but having a hard time because I’m hurting so deeply right now and just needed to find someone who understands, just someone other than who I have already. A stranger. Here’s what I am going to do, I’m going to calm myself down and try to explain my situation and maybe get the help I’m looking for. Your words just have me a little mixed up right now and I’m so emotional. There was one post I read that REALLY hit home and had me crying my eyes out. It rang so true and I finally felt as if someone truly understood me and how I was feeling. Unfortunately I can not remember who’s post it was. I will look again since I screen snapped a photo of it to read again. I will return in a little while once I’ve got myself together snd not so scatter brained right now. Again, I just wanted to say thank you all for your words of encouragement and for sharing ur true feelings here. You probably do understand how good it feels to finally find someone who understands and is living the same nightmare as you!!!!! I love you all already and looking forward to being here as much as possible. Hope everyone is well and feeling okay today. Peace and love to all.

Well, things had been going a little better with mom. Went to her home over the weekend. She still is up to some of her old tricks. Reading her medical encyclopedia (from 1987) as I walk into her home. I didn’t comment, even after she sighed deeply. I go and do her cleaning, told her of the meals I had planned out. Oh, that’s fine, whatever is easiest for you. Except on Sunday, she wanted hot dogs. Uh, ok? Made a simple meal of the hot dogs and sides. Oh it was so good. I made her favorite bbq next day. She said I should enter a competition. I laughed and said well some folks always asked what I would make at like a picnic or carry in meal, but I just google the easiest and best rated recipes. She then started griping, meat would not come apart (but it fell off of the bones cleanly). Could not eat any more, upset stomach. ???? The day before when she wanted to go on a drive, said I will be ready shortly. An hour into waiting, I asked nicely do you still want to go? Half crying said oh I have problems. Toilet was clogged. This is an expensive state of the art, maximum flush toilet. I got angry, because every time I am there, I am on cleanup duty for pee and poop. I hear, I can’t help it. Yes, when you say I should go into the bathroom but wait 30 minutes, yes you could have prevented poop on the floor, etc. Told me not to use a plunger but wait for water to go down. Yeah 15 to 20 minutes of plunging later, it finally flushed. I honestly do not think it was human waste with the blockage, as even her low flush toilet was never that blocked. I was dressed in an old tee shirt and shorts. I hear her say under her breath doesn’t she look a sight. I turned around and said you are going to say that after all of the stuff I have done for you this weekend? It really cut me. She said she never said a word. Doing lots of that lately. Fast forward where she heard my suitcase being zipped up, which is puzzling because her hearing is shot (rethinking that now…), she starts crying oh I hate when you leave, I love you. I was like??? I had a ton of stuff left to do, so continued with what I was doing. Then she asked about something that we’ve gone over many times before; a delay tactic. So I finally get ready to go, car is packed, go into house to say goodbye, she’s in the bathroom. Fortunately no clogs. I give her a hug, kissed her cheek, and get nothing back in return. Not the first time. I am like be the bigger person, move on from the passive aggressive stuff. As I was setting up my phone to charge in the car, a neighbor goes by with her cute dog, in a wagon. She’s old and it was hot. All tricked out like a doggy lux ride. Cracked me up. Mom was out, and she’s gotten angry that I think more of a dog than her before. She needs to be the center of attention all of the time. The neighbor couldn’t believe mom’s age, and that she lived on her own. I said well we don’t always get along, as it’s her way or the highway. Neighbor says oh I definitely get that with her. I hear ya. (Nice to know it’s not all on me, that I am not the one who is crazy as mom tells me). So I drive home, call mom. No answer. Called multiple times. Called today. I am certain she’s pissed off about me chatting with neighbor and the cute dog. My brother calls her as he drives home from work, so if there was anything amiss, he would have let me know by now. She’s just pouting, as narcissists do. So aggravating, because I didn’t do anything to her. She asked me if I didn’t miss going into the office (still remote), didn’t I miss people, didn’t I get lonely. Nope. I can entertain myself, contact friends via social media; I don’t need nor really want attention 24/7. She couldn’t grasp that I was ok with it. I am so odd to her; I am ‘funny’ aka weird and crazy. Her moods are going from anger to crying, which makes me wonder about mini strokes? She has some tests coming up in a few weeks, plus a new doctor who compliments her, so she loves him. Hope everyone is doing well.

Golden your post hit hard. So true so deep.
The wave is easing up. I have a few more days before my new case. I feeling a little better. The heat doesnt help at all.
Havent done regular chores. Planted traditional inpatients in front. It was fun shopping for the plants
Now the task of watering them.
I hope everyone is in a good place. Ray's of love and healing to us all.
Change in my routine of work has thrown me off.
Anticipation about job.

Terrible. My parents are both alcoholics and my father, especially, is mentally ill. He has been the sole caregiver for my mother who has been declining. She is incontinent, in constant pain from chemo, unable to get around....he yells at her constantly for making a mess. He tells her not to wear sleeveless shirts because she looks terrible. She has not eaten for 2 days and has not been able to get out of bed so he took her to the hospital. I tried to find out more but when I told him he has to stop being mean to her he yelled profanity at me and hung up on me. I live in a different town, but I want to call the hospital and report that she should not go back home. He is a horrible, awful person and we have all lived in fear of him our entire lives.

duck - in dysfunctional families it is very easy to lose ourselves to the needs of others at the same time losing ourselves to our need for them - the desperate dance for love and approval. I am glad you can let go of the farce with your sis and nephew. I believe that you can let go of the unhealthiness with your mother. Maybe not to day or tomorrow, but some time.

My dd once said to me that enabling my mother's mental illness was not doing her any good - nor me (obviously). That made me think about my choices. I knew she was right.

Focus more and more on caring for yourself. Your mother is being cared for by others, thanks to your efforts on her behalf.

(((((((hugs)))))

glad ((((((hugs))))))) You are singing my song. In my case I see the independence coming from having to do it myself as a child - look after myself, and others, knowing I couldn't rely on those I should have been able to rely on. Definitely a trust issue. At one point I trusted too much, which was foolish and then backlashed to not trusting at all. The truth is that none of us are totally trustworthy - we are human and we fail at times, even those we dearly love. Achieving a balance in relationships is difficult for me as I had no role model in my FOO. But I am still working on it.

I am getting to an age where I have to ask for help as I can't do what I once did. It's humbling

Glad... that hits hard for me, too. With family relationships, it makes more sense. They have this habit of kicking me when I'm down. I don't think any of them mean to be that way, but it's made me fiercely independent from family though I'm learning how to mend what I can and proceed with some boundaries in place. As for intimate relationships... I don't have a clue why I'm so reluctant, but I make all kinds of excuses to myself and to others. I've chosen well and I've chosen poorly in the past, but I tell myself it's just easier for me to be single and independent at this stage in my life. Your post makes some great points. I love "trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed." Love you! 💙

Gladimhere,
Whether one is on the giving or receiving end, people are imperfect.

Your post is profound, will speak to so many here. Thanks for sharing!

Have you ever really needed support but the ones available were not who you wanted.....??

Or, you were just unable to ask, or trust?

💞

This. Hits. Hard.
The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.
Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.
From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.
From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.
From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.
From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when s*** got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.
From all the lies and all the betrayals.
You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.
Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.
You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right?
You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.
Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.
So, you don’t trust anyone.
And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.
To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.
“Never again,” you vow.
But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.
Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.
Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.
It’s a trauma response.
The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.
You are worthy of having support.
You are worthy of having true partnership.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of having your heart held.
You are worthy to be adored.
You are worthy to be cherished.
You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy.
You don’t have to earn it.
You don’t have to prove it.
You don’t have to bargain for it.
You don’t have to beg for it.
You are worthy.
Worthy.
Simply because you exist.
-Jamila White, @inspiredjamila

I just lost my semi novel post. I pray you are all in a good place. I was posting about my need to be needed by my mother and how her needs and protection have been ingrained. I am ashamed afraid of this need that outside of my son has been the focus of my life. So who am I if I lose her. My son has his wife and daughters. I have had issues but I felt she loved him as I did and that was consoling. I know part of our journey was her accepting the love of my son for me and that bond and my realizing that presented a threat. Accepting so many things I didn't know I didn't know. My existence based on proving and qualifying for love. Any morsal justified a quest that should have been natural. My mother didnt like me nor my sister and I didn't like them either. My love for them both blinded the truth. My need for their love was my motivation. The truth was broke me. I can let go of that farce with my sister and nephews but my heart will always be stuck on my mother's well being as well as my son's.
I subconsciously raised my son in a way to be independent of me. Many times it hurt and mostly when I realized how much I meant to him after trying to not make him dependent on my love
Especially after losing my father. I just didn't want him to hurt.
Anyways I am full of tears about realizing this and I hope it helps someone somewhere.
This waking up is a painful journey.
Knowing myself it has to be a slow revelation otherwise I would be a much lost cause. Or fubar a not so pleasant term that we used in ems in a mind altering scene in an attempt to ground to sanity
f up beyond all repair. This forum is a source of strength understanding and truth so full of beautiful spirits. Thanks for bearing with my crazy and understanding. Love and Rays of peace.

Anyways I don't know worth of card. I have a new assignment that is closer starting on the fourth and I will try and find one more assignment to make me fulltime. This one is 32hrs and I have all the available options to choose from on my phone.
Gee whizz. I realize my growth in that I didn't break down or feed into the bait when confronted by the mother. Not to mention that she lied and in lying exposed her lies.shr said I went off on her and her "husband when she refused to sign my timesheet and that the nurse was ther when I arrived. I had my signed timesheet and the nurse witnessed that I had no contact with husband and I was calm cool and collective.
I pray that you all are in a good place and spirit.
Msuch love and appreciation for you all.
Rays of love and healing for us all.

Ali Your posts are so deep and real. I have always appreciated your insight. Your posts have always inspired me.
I am not caught up. Sunday night at work I felt the issues with my client's mother. I left Monday morning in prayer. The hip pain is worse and makes me aware of my need to care for myself and focus on what is best for me. So I had this problem of letting go of this case. I could not bring myself to leave and I knew that coming back after the episode where I let was not good and expressed it to my superiors after I made statements. Long story short the supervisor called about bruises the mother posted Monday morning. So after I made clear ther were no bruises or injury during my shift I expressed my concern and my reluctance to leave this case and that I returned against my better judgement. I expressed that I would be exploring other cases in Brooklyn. I prayed about guidance on moving on about getting the covid immunization as I intended attend my son's promotion. Upon my arrival the client's mother stated that she was informed that I had quit and another nurse was coming. I have never had a prayer answered so quickly. I told her I did not quit and went in client room to call agency. Meanwhile the nurse came. I called her earlier about the bruises to ask if she had noticed any when I gave her report on the Wednesday morning. The bruises were reported on Thursday morning. She said she didn't see any bruises that day. So when she arrived she said she would leave. I say it's up to the mother. She was livid and confrontational demanding what I said with supervisor. I say I do not have to tell her that but to be sure I did not quit and it was her decision if I stayed. She said she did not want me to stay. I left. Next day I speak to a different supervisor who after investigating needed me to come in. I have to write statements about bruises and what happened. Then all the managers and the owner came to apologize over and over I was overwhelmed and honest about the embarrassment shame and loss of wages and the insult.
The owner mandated that I did not leave there without a nice easy assignment. I left with a card of appreciation and a gift card from Mac

Ali-Thank you for your thoughtful words. I especially liked the quote "Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost." I also like being reminded that there is ".... joy in overcoming obstacles"

The course you are taking sounds intriguing. I think I might look into taking some kind of class or course. There is so much I want to learn about....

It sounds like we share a similar quest. Peace and joy to you too!!!

Trying, I just finished a paper on humanistic theories of psychology and chose to highlight Helen Keller as an example of a self-actualized person. She had a few quotes referencing joy. I don't know how relevant they will seem to you but I was impressed by how much Keller used optimism to overcome in her life.

"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties."

"We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world."

"Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. ...You will find a joy in overcoming obstacles... Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost."

These quotes seem trite to me when trying to contemplate how to find joy after, like you said, the fragility that comes after a long, difficult journey. But, I'm also resolved to find my optimism and joy again, and Keller's hopefulness and confidence in her own joy was touching. I've been so jaded. My caregiving journey ended a few years back and I think I've been in my own way a bit since then. I'm glad you can focus more on yourself and your own needs. I wish you much joy, and a peaceful heart.

Golden - I'm sorry to hear about your friend, her decline must trigger all kinds of melancholy feelings. My husband and I were just talking about the steady stream of loss that seems to come with getting older. Some days it feels overwhelming, I'm glad you find so much joy in your kitties.

Burntcaregiver - Polarbear is spot on. You must prioritize your future wellbeing. Best of luck.

Esso- I'm so sorry you lost your Dad ((((hugs to you))))

DDuck - I too just read back on my posts. It affirmed my reasons for still feeling fragile. Long difficult journeys will do that.

School is out and I am not returning in the Fall. I will continue working part time at my other job and perhaps do a bit of substitute teaching but its time to slow down. My parents are both gone now. Time to move on from survival mode and give myself space to process and put aside the last 6 years. I'm hoping to learn to feel joy again, its been a long time.

I hear you BurntCaregiver - I don't like caregiving either. I told my husband if/when his mom needs care, it'll be done by hired help because I'm not doing it again after my mom.

I'm glad you will own your house. Roof over your head is the most important thing.

Polarbear,

Thanks for your concern. Yes, I will own the house I live in free and clear, and no I do not get paid to be my mother's caregiver. I won't face homelessness though. I'd rather be dead than homeless.
At my age I can't take on the kinds of caregiving assignments that pay the real money anymore. The ones for invalid clients who need everything. Or the ones who were so out of it with dementia that I could name my price because no one else would work for them. My body is worn out from so many years of lifting, moving, transferring, and repositioning. I also don't have the patience for it anymore.
I never particularly liked caregiving to be honest. Or even elderly people for that matter. I was good at the work because I was strong, trustworthy, and don't have a short temper. These are pretty much the virtues a person needs when they're caring for elderly people or even interacting with most of them.
Only God knows what will become of me.

Esso, may the good memories of your dear father comfort you in the days ahead.

Duck, I feel like I know you much better after reading your reply to Yoda. So sorry for your dysfunctional family situation and how it has made you feel so broken. Can't say I know what you should do to heal. Just want you to know that I understand you.

BurntCaregiver, I didn't know your situation until now. I am sorry you have been treated badly by your family. You know what the ending of care giving will be like for yourself. Can you change your course? I am worried for your future.

Are you being paid for keeping and taking care of your mother? Do you own your house? Will you face homelessness once mother dies?

Tallboots2,

There's no reason for you to feel guilty for taking a job because your mother needs you at home.
How will you be provided for when you're freed from the slavery of being a family caregiver?
Will your mother be making you the sole heir of an estate large enough to take care of you indefinitely so you won't need to work?
Or will your sister who bullied you into becoming the caregiver be providing for you indefinitely because you turned down employment in favor of taking care of mom?
I'm pretty sure the answer to both questions is neither of them will be providing for you after mom passes or if she has to go into a care facility. So take whatever job you want.
As for mom being fussy and not wanting anyone but you to do for her. Too bad. Many of our beloved elders need to learn how to accept the help they're offered or go to a nursing home. I'm happy that today many young adults are having discussions with their parents who are my generation. They're making it very clear now that they will not be guilted or bullied into the shackles of caregiving they see us in today because our elderly are "fussy" or "stubborn" or needy. If they take care of us when we're elderly, it will be on their terms not ours.
I come from a terribly dysfunctional family. My place in it since I was a little kids has been family scapegoat or emotional landfill that everyone could dump in.
I worked as an in-home caregiver for a long time. I haven't worked in years because I'm mom's caregiver. Sounds very nice doesn't it?
Well, it's not. I am pretty much a slave to a cruel, snide, manipulative bully. This behavior isn't new. It wasn't caused by dementia or some other disease. It has been so since I was a little kid. At best of times it was ignoring and indifference.
Yet, my mother expects the greatest kindness and compassion. The highest quality care done with love and empathy.
I cannot give what I don't have to give. Her basic needs are met and other than that I ignore her.
I too have a sister who is completely off the caregiving hook. She takes on none of it because she "works". She visits a couple times a month and mom is nothing but a joy for those couple of hours. Then again my sister was never our mother's target for anything.
I got pulled into this life. Here's what happens to so many people like me after years of caregiving for our elderly "loved ones".
The caregiver gets older. Often they are then too old themselves to find real employment that can provide for them. The number of former caregivers who are now homeless and on the street is growing very fast. There's another way out, but you don't come back.
This is my reality. Please don't let it become yours.
Take the job if an opportunity has presented itself. Mom's needs and care can be done of by hired caregivers. Don't let your sister's bullying or your mom's guilt put you in my shoes. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

I just came on board to express my love and appreciation to you all. I printed out my posts which I do every now and then. It's like a journal of my my truth. My life my heart. Words can't express how much you have helped me face truths and understand and encouraged me to grow and address my challenges. Thank you all for the guidance and understanding.

Easso I am so sorry for your loss.
My heart and prayers are with you.
Your post bought tears to my heart.
We absorb so much pain and hurt in our goodness and quest to make everyone okay giving unconditional love and acceptance.
Focus on you and your needs.
You are not alone your strength and the beauty inside your heart will shine and guide you.

Just to clarify -the cat went missing, not the friend. 😜

esso - so sorry -missed your post. My sympathies for your loss. My mother had BPD. It explains a lot about our family dysfunction.. Your sis is responsible for her own feelings. You can't fix her. Do what is good for you.

trying - so good to hear from you. Sounds like you are making some good decisions for yourself. (((((Love)))) you too. Don't be a stranger here,

tg - so glad you are having some time away frim dad. Hope there are more times like that in the future.

talboots - do want is good for you and don't be bullied into anything. Let go of the guilt. You are not dong anything wrong.

yoda - good idea.

duck - I have found that being thankful for the scraps of positive interaction with my mother was helpful. Also it was helpful realizing that there weren't many, and when she was alive the chances of getting more were small. It was just reality. I got my mothering from other people and eventually learned to mother myself. Always take care of you,

I have been on inositol for a while now. It increases dopamine, which is deficient in CFS/FM and I am feeling brighter. Recently I read that Vitamin B1 (thiamine) can help people with my condition by increasing energy so I am taking it too and I think it is helping. I need to get my thyroid checked to make sure it is OK as high thyroid has a similar effect.

My dd has had two shots now -a little sick with the second one, and she will book her DH, DS and DD for their second ones soon. Good to get that done. My poor grandson who lost his dad a couple of weeks ago has been long time fostering a cat for a friend and she went mussing a few days ago. I hope he finds her. They were so good for one another.

My last remaining long time friend has dementia and it looks like it has progressed, I sent her an ecard for her birthday and it hasn't been opened. I also sent her flowers as I knew she would get those and I got a simple "thank you" email but no news so I suspect she can't do it any more. Between that and losing my ex silm some grief has been triggered the past few weeks.

Trying to get a little sun some days, pluck a few weeds, bring stuff downstairs for trash or give away,. That and keeping my kitties happy and well and normal housework etc keeps me busy enough.

(((((hugs)))) to everyone!

Esso, I am so sorry for your loss.

essomd,

I am so sorry for your loss. Your sister is toxic! Let it go. She may never change. Some people with mental health issues never seek help and they are miserable to be around. Take care of yourself.