The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I began posting here when my parents began their health decline. I'm so sad to share that the time has come where our family has lost them both. My dear father passed away yesterday suddenly and I'm already overwhelmed with the sadness and the funeral planning.

The dysfunction in our family hasn't abated over the years. My husband called my estranged sister to notify her of our father's death and was met with yelling, hostile language, name calling and narcissistic behavior. No sympathy. Just screaming and "no one cares about my feelings!" As if she is the only one suffering the most right now and everyone else is the enemy. (This language coming from someone who ignored every update I sent about our parents, never engaged in a discussion for their care and was always hostile or passive aggressive in person.) Sad to say it was all expected. Had I been the one to make the call, I expect I would have been met with much of the same.

My therapist suspected, based on the stories about my sister, that she may be suffering from some sort of Borderline Personality Disorder and I wonder if that's true. It would explain so much.

I wish I could just grieve in peace. It's so hard to handle. I feel like I'm constantly pushing back at impending panic attacks.

I'll just continue to breathe, appreciate the support and love from others that we have received and focus on the better memories. I can't hang onto my sister's toxic behavior. As badly as I would like to ease her sorrow as well as my own, I can't go setting myself on fire to keep others warm anymore, so to speak.

My heart goes out to anyone else out there going through the same. I hope we all have the strength to guide is through.

NoTryDo, Its so true and amazing how we bottle up painful memories.

I have wondered so many times what happened to my self preservation so very long ago that I continued to need and yearn for that little thread of love from my mother.

I found a letter I wrote to my son dated 6/14. I was trying to explain the hatred and ugliness I finally realized from my mother and sister. I wrote that I did not like my mother but I loved her.

Then I realized that for what ever reason, she didnt like me either but kept me fooled and programmed me with guilt and fear to become her emotional slave.

I look at my family and its so deeply sad, how mental illness and jealousy and family chains flourish not just in my immediate family but other relatives also.

Sometimes I feel so sad and broken but thankfully I maintain a piece of hope and a lot of faith in God.

No try I agree that we should keep trying to find ways to release the painful memories.

Shoot! I had a flashback of my father calling me ugly one time as a child and immediately the memory of him squeezing my hand so tight that it hurt badly on the night before he died.

I wish we didn't have to go through this menagerie of pain and hurt and brokenness. I also wish I didnt feel responsible to help fix brokenness when I see it.

I wish I could fix myself.

I have started taking Krill oil. Its great I feel good. Sad thing is when I feel good I feel like its not going to last.

I hope everyone is in good spirit and health. Father's day is a hard time for me, I miss my father so much. Here I am 60 years old and missing my daddy but I do. When he died my mother's crazy was really unleashed.

The Guardain supervisor called about the rent arrangement wanted to come to an agreement out side of court and wanted income information. I was like no way just do what the judge said. I am so tired of the disparity in reposnibility and caring as well as expenses for my mother. We needed court intervention and we still do now I feel I have to beware not only of my sister but agency agenda also. She started out mentioning the going rate for rent in the area. I just shut that down saying the house is paid for. You all just need to do as the judge said during the hearing. Split the gas, electric and water. My mother would be responsible for taxes and insurance. They can break that down in any way and I have no problem as long as its before a judge.

They are working on changing the cable. My sister must have accidently took off the parental blockage. Next day it was on again. So I reminded Guard. about switching cable in my mother name. Now after they called about rent its been two weeks. I just realized that suddenly my sister was buying snacks and orange juice and soda for my mother. I was like wow what happened, who schooled her, no I realize it only started when the issue addressing rent came up and also now so far the cable has remained unblocked. Now if she left it that way and didn't feel a need to use parental control as a power tool they wouldn't have to use my mothers money for cable as it is my nephew who pays the bill. I still haven't seen him around at all.

Also the repairs are still in question as far, there is question about structural damage and also money issue around repairs and paying for nursing home care. I told them to check home insurance and was surprised that they had not considered that option for the initial repair to the sewer line. I thing a lot would be covered under the insurance.

My mother is doing so much better with the aides and Seroquel is working nicely. She is not too sedated but it seems to ease her communication. There are times though that she is almost in a stupor tracing designs or something repetitive and it breaks my heart. She is 100% better since the true intervention. We still have a long ways to go and I am not looking forward to it but hope next year this time we will all be settled.

Rays of love and peace and healing to us all.

Here are some things that I've learned more recently concerning a long journey I've been on in light of my memories of how my mother treated me in the past.

1. Some memories are to painful to emerge until much later like when a parent's decline has put her on the dying category.

2. These memories are hard to talk about and even harder to share with the associated feelings because they have been burried for so long and learning to bury your emotoins anyway.

3. While writing like in a letter to them or a poem about them may put the emotions on paper, they can still remain inside. That is true even when you read them aloud.

4. Until the emotions are set free any written forgiveness attempts are cut off from real feelings.

5. From a discussion recently, the idea came that I could go to the pictures that I first used to communicate to my therapist about my mom with captions about her actions and captions of her statements. Along with that came the idea of saying those captions aloud and let my feelings flow as I read them. The person that I was talking to thought this was a great idea.

So, with being all alone for two weeks with my wife gone to visit her identical twin sister for two weeks, I went up to my Man Cave and proceeded to do what I described in 5. While it was not a mighty flow of emotions, it was a start. That's better than before and good. I'm going to tell my new therapist about this tomorrow and see if he wants me to keep doing this on my own or just weekly with him when I see him again.

So, if your emotions are dammed up like mine by all means try various ideas to get those feelings freed up.

Anyways rays of love and light to us all.

Tallboots2 do you have other means of support? Its hard to work and then manage caregiving.
I feel like I work two jobs, still even though the aides are there. I cant complain because they take care of my mother. I am often cleaning out old stuff from vegetable bins. I just do but I realized that the older one makes a lot of requests while she sits on her butt. And at first was adamant that they give meds and then started getting used to me pulling them and mixing them for her to give. She called me one morning on my day off and asked me to come give my mother her meds and I told her just give her the green one.

Given that I dont have much trust sometimes I feel a tad of trickery in the back ground with her, the oldest one. So this is all new and both are great with my mother. Today after I came up from work the repair woman called me saying she had knocked on door for me because the aide told her to ask me to open the door, I told her the aide had the key. This was almost twelve and I get up for work at 430 and I was haveing a hard time getting to sleep.

So here is the cream of my post. The supervisor called about them charging rent. She stated that they look at the going rent, and could we work this out with out going to court and also if I would be willing to give them record of my income so they could determine what to charge us for rent. I was too trhrough! No I will not be willing to provide my income, I make more than my sistewr and there has always been a disparity in what we each do for my mother and we are both doing the same we have always done. I made very clear my question of how do you think you can make this discision between us when we are in this situation already needing intervention. Also that my sister looked sweet paying the bills or her so called portion of the bills while she had charge of my mothers money but that stopped after the transfer because she was using my mothers funds. Also that I repeated request for many years for and investigation of an attempt to transfer 5,000 which was never addressed and also the fact that they held back some of my mother money during the turnover process and who knows how much money they have taken while in charge of the accounts as neither APS or the Guardians or the Lawyers address my request to investigate that attempt. The account had my nephew name on it and that is probably why. He had the address changed to his own. And I only got my mothers mail during that unusual attempt to transfer the $5,000 and when they closed out the accounts. I also made it clear I had one room where she has one entire floor. That I am still during repairs and addressing issues that my sister has no clue about.

I also made it clear that my mothers home is paid for and if they even try to charge going rate I would be leaving. I also demanded that they go with what the Judge at the guardianship hearing said to do. Which was split the gas electric and water between the 3 and my mother pay the insurance and taxes. I explained I would be willing to increase things as needed but I need court order for everything.

I have had an unfair load from childhood and its time to stop. I said I dont even watch tv in my room I work and when I'm off i spend a lot of time with my mother I buy groceries and needed supplies, I take her to md, I cook and clean and do her laundry.
.

Last week was the first time my sister bought snacks for my mother I looked up and see an entenmans cake some lorna dune cookies and some chocolate chips In one of the storage containers I bought I asked aide if she bought and she pointed upwards. Surprise.

So anyways I also want to share another outlet that helped my stress and journey. Derek Prince on utube again I just happened upon this and its been very helpful. I know religion is not everyone's cup of tea. There is a lot of teaching that brings understanding and it has helped me.

I will try anything to help me through this sad place in life.

Hi …I’m feeling guilty about taking a job when mom needs me at home…I was bullied into it by sister… mom doesn’t want anyone there taking care of her but me. I know I need to work but feel I can do something at home…Anyone else feel like this??

Trying, thanks for your acknowledgement of my growth. Sometimes I wonder about my progress and get depressed as the dysfunction reveals itself over and over. Yesterday I was shocked to see tv channels unblocked. I enjoyed seeing my favorites and my mothe and the aide got a few laughs. I came down to day and parental control was back on. I thought to change channels so the open station would be noticed. I didn't follow my mind partly because I dont want to feed into my sister's sickness by hiding the channels that I have watched. I have requested that the guardianship follow through with getting my mother basic cable as was stated during a past visit. I could set up same
But due to past history of my mother not wanting me to watch her tv from time I moved back in and her and my sister on mission to block me from watching tv I have vowed in my heart to not be responsible for my mother's tv or cable. I was unable to get cable service or pay into my mother's service that was being paid for by my nephew who was living in the room I have now. My sister had her own service and kept getting over due notification and at some point they took out the cable box from my mother's kitchen and any remotes I left were taken then eventually the channels were blocked. It's so very sad the results of my sister's sickness and quest of narcissistic power and control.
Barb, still I rise.
I also want to share something that uplifted me in my struggle and tears. I understand the preferences in spiritual guidance and strength. I have appreciated deeply all input and feedback greatly. Last weekend I happened upon this song and it was a beautiful inspiration in my heart. God's Grace utube. I pray it moves and inspires your heart and strength in spirit.
Rays of love light and healing to us all.

Tg enjoy your break I am happy for you. It's nice to hear good news.

Dduck you sound like you are handling stress/emotions really well. Keep on taking care of yourself, you are worth it!!

Thats great news tgengine! Enjoy every single minute you deserve it!

Thanks, looking forward to it. Sometimes alone and with friends and our girls. It's not that I don't like my dad, it's we need time without ears on all the time. He's been out every day the last week with his female friend and his lodge. He is spending money like a soldier on leave. Forgetting he will be away for a month. I guess as usual he is expecting everyone will cater to him and take him out to dinner. Hmmmmm oh well, not my monkey not my circus.
Went out and bought 5 pillboxes to put all his meds in so someone else won't screw it up. Sealed in vac bags for each week and his med list. He doesn't appreciate all the work someone else has to do so he can go away. Oh well, off for a 6-hour drive tomorrow to deliver him.

What great news, Tgengine!! Enjoy!

tgengine,, a few years ago my cousins in TX took Mom and Aunt for 6 weeks,, and hubs and didn;t go anywhere,, we just enjoyed the heck out of our house!! They had a blast, got spoiled rotten with trips and concerts ( Willie Nelson anyone??) and we got to relax and know they were having a great time! My Aunts kids and hubs and I got to have some down time, and we were all better when they returned. So ENJOY

Tgengine,

Yay! Enjoy your time off from caregiving! Forget about everything and concentrate on yourselves. You deserve it!

Finally getting a respite! 8 years and only taken a few vacations. It's been a long 2 years since our last vacation. Sibling finally agreed to take dad for a few weeks. They are going out of the country while we are on vacation. When I proposed for them to take him they said they were going away at the same time so I was going to have to cancel mine. Fast forward, they are taking him and splitting time with other family members out of state. Vacation for him and all of us so I guess that is a win.
I get a few weeks of my house and my wife by ourselves. Long overdue. Burnout has been huge lately so looking forward to quiet time!

Ali, I agree with Golden about the stress and tears. Its a heavy load going to school, and working. Its awesome how you are always doing something to better your self and situations. I have always admired your strength moving on to new places and starting new work. I rooting for you always.

Barb, my mother has to get evaluated for assisted living which I doubt she will be eligible for and then the option is temporary placement in a nursing home. That decision has to be approved by a judge.

Meanwhile I took her for medical apt last Friday and the doctor says its to late to start her on meds for the dementia or Alzheimer's we dont know what because she has never been tested and that is another reason why I am pissed at my sister. Thank goodness her pressure is down and good.

Also I was surprised at what the aides report. She murmurs and babbles but she told one very clearly she didnt need nobody to take care of her and yells out orders in nasty tones like she did with me. The other aide says she came in once and my mother told her this is myhouse and I am going to beat your a. she says she kicked off her slippers and started hitting her with the shoe. So I feel uplifted to see she is quite aware and she is also funny with them. She gives one a big hug and I dont think I ever got a hug from my mother in life. Now I say that and that is one of things that make me tearful. She is aware of whats going on and I am glad she is still here in mind. I have to let what could have been go but I am still pissed.

Mothers day and pictures bought back so many memories. I was my mothers extention but she was my everything and I mattered after her and my father and my sister. So these moments how I kiss her and snuggle her I am getting that touch and closeness I never had and dont truly have now but as usual I have to make due with the crumbs and sometimes it hurts not mattering to anyone even if its a life long issue.

So I realize I have to slow down my chronic need to fix and do and keep focusing on me.

Golden, I try to focus on your theme of self care and I am getting better and bolder with putting myself firs even if the guilt beats me up. I even caught my self putting again someone elses needs before me on job and agreed to a schedule hours change and I had no problem makeing it clear it would not work.

Then I had the issue of the temp. going down and it being cold for my mother and my sister have key to the room where the themostat is. yes we are getting to summer but it pissed me off that she has no done anything about temporarily turning up heat. If i get some one to break the lock I would be wrong. I see temps going up slowly this week. I have not heard back from the guardian when I told her I need a key tomy mothers room to have access to the thermostat.

And on that note thanks for bearing with my crazy.

Happy Memorial Day, God Bless all the present and past Veterans always.

Trying, the beautiful thing about this forum is that people really do care and understand. The hair loss could be related to stress. I have bald spots at my temples, more on one side than the other from not properly washing out hair relaxer as a teen. As I got older I could no longer camaflouge my bald spots so I wear a wig now. Ive tried a lot of things to help bald areas nothing has really helped.

Stay strong, you are going through something I foresee in my future. I am definitely cut off from my sister and still getting pissed.

I can imagine the pain and also the happiness of reliving memories of your parents. Again I am so sorry for your loss and pain.

Trying.. I know the hair situation! Thanks to COVID and constant mask and face shield wearing at work mine is a hot mess. My DD bought me some Vital Protiens stuff you mix in with your coffee or drinks ( hope this is allowed,, I do not work for them!! ) I am finding alot more baby hair growing in. I know it will be months before I see a big change,, but I am optimistic! Then my hairdresser gave me WAY more blond highlites than I wanted,, and my hair feels dryer than ever. I spend alot of time with conditioner these days than ever before!!

Thank you Ali for those very kind words, the hug and for letting me know you can relate. That helps.

I think the fog is both brain fog and mental fog. I can't multi task at all anymore and it takes me longer to process information. I also have trouble dealing with noises and crowds. My energy level is so much lower. I get overwhelmed so easily now. Mentally, my anxiety is chronic. It used to come and go.

Another thing is I started losing hair about a year ago. Its so thin in places you can see my scalp. This has happened a couple times in my life, probably from stress but this time it's worse and not coming back. My thyroid tests are fine. I'll talk to my doctor again.

Little by slow I am going to get myself back on track.

Sorry for swooping in and making it all about me. I know everyone here is trying to deal with stuff. Hugs all around.

Trying, it's very good to read your update. I can relate to some things a lot -- like how some family relationships are forever changed, how the job of sorting out all the estate concerns can take a long time, how emotions of grief and relief get mixed together at the same time... and mostly I relate to how drained you are feeling. I'm glad you'll be able to cut back with work and spend more time on your own interests and needs.

I don't know if you meant fog as in brain/mental fog or in general, but brain fog can happen, too. It's difficult to think clearly if you're under chronic stress. Good job in putting in boundaries with sis. It's never something someone wants to do with family members but it's necessary.

Love you, too! Big (((((hugs)))))) to go forward from everything and have a more peaceful and joyous life. 😊

I have not been on the forum much lately. I guess I needed time to catch my breath or something. It's been 5 months since Mom passed and 20 months since we lost Dad. Just over 7 years ago Dad got sepsis, he survived but was completely dependent after that. Mom was unable to cope. Family dysfunction resulted in years of turmoil and chaos. I went into survival mode for most of that time, my emotions went numb. I did the best I could with the help of this forum and a good counselor but it took it's toll.
Just recently I am feeling the fog lift a little. Underneath it all I feel sadness and loss but also relief. I am recalling good memories of my parents and holding them close.
The relationship with my sister has permanently changed, which is a good thing. Through all this I learned to set healthy boundaries and give myself permission to keep safe distance from her abuse. I wish her no ill, I just have zero desire to resume anything but a peripheral relationship.
There is still business to tend to though. Although Sis liquidated most of my parents possessions and property while they were alive she put Dads coin business, inventory into storage. Boxes and boxes of stuff that needs meticulous sorting.
The job is huge and my brother has the expertise so we are all involved. Sis is still the paranoid, controlling person she always was but I don't care anymore. Her control and leverage is only about "stuff" now, not my parents or my connection to them. Contact with her is still exhausting but I am pacing myself. It will all be over in time.
Meanwhile I have decided this will be my last year at the school. I can pick up enough hours at my other job to make ends meet and come March, 2022 I start collecting social security. These past years have completely worn me out. I need time to heal and find myself again.

Love you all.

Duck, I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I can certainly understand your inability to trust and your suspicious nature. Being self-aware is a great gift.

Where is the guardian going to relocate your mom during construction?

duck - thank you. I am not surprised you are tearful. You are under so much stress all the time!! A person can only take so much.

ali - you too. You may be having a delayed reaction to the whole "N
" episode combined with the pressures of school and/or all the things you have mentioned

Definitely exclude as much stress as possible and ramp up the self care! 🛀 ☕🧀 🚶‍♀️🌻

You're not alone, Duck. I'm frustration crying a few days the past week and I'm not sure why. I feel like a fussy baby sometimes. lol I just feel bad, and somewhat overwhelmed lately. Feels like I'm getting sick but it's slow onset. Could be my covid shot. Whatever it is, I'm exhausted. I hope we both come out of it soon! Find time for self care, whatever you can fit in to your life -- a bath, some tea, and a funny movie, maybe. Can you make a special meal and have a cocktail this weekend, even if you can't grill out? Big (((((hugs))))).

So I dont know what's going on but I am tearful these past few days. I guess that's life ehh. Hills and valleys
I take my mother to doctor later. It's new to me getting her in and out dealing with her confusion. I have to fight her to put a pad or pamper on her incase of emergency like before.
Eenjoy Memorial day weekend. There was a time I I would pull out the grill and sit out having cocktails. I am low on energy.

Enjoy
Rsays of love and peace.

Golden it's great to see you post. Glad you are enjoying yourself. You have always been an inspiration.

Alibobali, your post meant a lot thank you. I am always glad to see you post and happy for your progress. I have always appreciated your perspective and gift for clarity.

Dee - welcome. It sounds like you are in a very stressful situation. There are others here with sisters that interfere and don't help. Are you sure you are going to be able to stay under the circumstances? You have lost a lot. Number one with caregivers is to look after you. I looked after my mother from a distance. It kept me sane. I cut contact with my sister after mother passed in 2018.

duck - you are not destined to always look after narcissists. You have a choice. It isn't easy getting away from what we were brought up with but it is possible - takes work but it can be done!

ali -glad to see you posting and that it helps

Had a great day out with my dd yesterday. She came with me to buy a couple of loungers for my back deck. I told her we can sit in tne sun and get a tan. We put them up and they are just what I wanted. I also got one large tomato plant in a pot with its own cage, one strawberry that I will plant in a pot I have on the deck and see how it does,, and a decent looking rhubarb plant which will go at the back of the house where it gets lots of sun. I miss having my own rhubarb. Now I have to clean up the back deck and get a few pots of flowers to brighten the area. I think I have decided to stay here a bit longer - the way things are working anyway. R will come up in a month or so to do kitchen renos.

After shopping, we got cinnamon lattes and brought them home, unloaded and set up, and had a good chat. It was my first real post-vax outing and I enjoyed it. 😊

Duck, I'm posting a lot of school-related whines on "the whine thread" lately, but I always follow and read DYS thread, too.

I don't have advice to offer you that others haven't already contributed but please know that I want to support you in this forum however I can. Sometimes, for me anyway, just being supported is what I needed to gain perspective on my life and deal with the different stressors that came with caregiving.

And I agree, by you continuing to post about these things it can help you to achieve better recognition of situations, and adjust your thinking.

Stay strong. :-)

I was starting to feel done and all alone again. I have sent for application for acess a ride for me and my mother.

She has a followup apointment on Friday where I will ask for some type of med that will quite her down and something to help her sleep through the night.

I have been increasing the seroquel it works but dosent last long. She can get very combative and busy on top of the that.

Her pressure has gone down a tad but hard to monitor as she wont stay still.

Had pow wow at the job. My concerns were met with some acceptance and by mother and I apologized for being unprofessional and leaving when asked. Very soft and tiresome conversation. To be continued.

So deep inside I feel tearful. This entire situation of change and fluctuation is frustrating. So many things undone and need to be done. Anticipation of this big repair and temporary placement of my mother. If they put a bathroom on second floor she might be able to stay in her room while the aide goes up and down for her meals.

I dont know but there are times when I get so depressed about her regardless of how she treated me. I also get suscpicious when I see my sister getting close to the aide even though I dont really feel she will fall into her poison and take sides. she and my siter bathe my mother twice weekly. a wash up in bed.

Now I know part of my issue is realiazing everyone does not think like I do but my plan in my head was to get my mother used to taking shower or bath slowly. The first week me and the aide got her into a bath. She calmed down once in there and it was hard to get her out. I hurt my shoulder lifting heavy bags and throwing out stuff so the next time I told the aide to get my sister, they have been doing it every since,. So I just leave that plan I had in my head.

Otherwise I hope you all are in a good place. I guess a lot of you are having fun on other threads. I like the joke thread also. When I did posting on similar themed threads it was a little tireesome repeating my same issue but I found that by the second time around I had actually almost narrowed down the source and possible remedy of my issue.

Thanks for the patience.

Rays of love and health and blessings to us all.