notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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You have made an awesome sacrifice to care for your mother and please dont beat yourself up try and stay positive. and one of the best things you can do youve already done which was to come on board. I feel so proud and glad to say there is a wealth of wisdom, and knowledge in the forum as well as understanding and learning.
I'm new, and I just moved into mom's house so she isn't alone. It's made me feel depressed, where I was good before. She's declining, (85 yrs) thankfully not too badly yet. But it's a big adjustment for me, and I sold my house so I feel like I'm lost. My solitude is gone. The worst part of this is my identical twin sister, who lives 2-1/2 hours away in a gorgeous home in CT, thinks she can tell me what to do. I'm sure I have jealousy towards her, she is affluent, successful in career and she calls herself "joyful and kind", while she now calls me evil and mean because I told her she cannot micromanage and judge me for what I do or don't do for our mother. My life has had hardships that she never had. Even now, I've been alone for many years, unable to find a bf, & unsuccessful in my career. She seems to think I am just like her, which I am not. She has tremendous sympathy for mother, even though mother had a great life, and has been able to stay in the family home. I don't have those feelings, so my sister & I now cannot get along to save our lives. I actually am starting to hate her for interfering. Any other sibling would just be relieved that mother is not alone anymore.... but not my twin. She calls mother every night to ask what I've done (or not done), and it infuriates me. I do regret moving in with mother, now that twin sis thinks she is going to police my every move. Twin sis is a bossy control freak, and if we become estranged, then I think I'll be happier! Thanks for listening, I'm not sure what I'll do, but I'm sad on many levels, and I know if I stay it will only get worse. I've already told my twin to F-off, but I can see many more fights if I stay. I had good intentions when I moved in, and if it was only Mom and I, I think it would be OK, but there's the "real" evil twin.
P.S. We only started to fight once Dad died (3 years ago) and twin sis had to be the new boss & start controlling our small family of 3.
Yes Golden being raised by a Narcissist imbues a nasty list of damage to the scapegoat, black sheep or what ever.
And after I went through this period of sickness for about two months I came out finally making myself a focus and its been weird.
Much love for you all.
Ray of love and healing for us all.
I was stressing over the cleaning. Praying for another aide. I called out for work and glad I did. My guy W came by about 630am and we transfered all my things out of the shed into the pantry closet. and I managed to wrapp up the crystal and chinaware and statues. I was told that they throw everything out.
So the best part of the day was that after me and W finished our work I decided to wait for aide to come in as it was that time. I wanted to see if she would greet me when she walked in or just walk past. Low and behold Eva walked in, I almost cried. I dont think I could have gotten through the day so smoothly outside of the stress of letting everything go, if the rude aid Joan was still there.
So they came back and we got through this cleaning and extermination. Now for the repairs.
Glad, I was not deflecting its just that after the stress of the home situation resolved, I went to work to insanity. So issues are long standing and the past few weeks the client mother has been OCD trying to make sure her daughter keeps the RNS. Ive been like a sponge to her drama and a few weeks ago she just disrespected me one time to many. Enough is enough and when you reach that point its a wrap. So the drama queen crazy messed with my crazy.. I am here now and I feel its time to move on. The travel is way to much. The father was upset and is no longer picking me up from train staion which she insisted on with covid. First he was driving me home then with all the protest that end and he started taking me to the train station in the morning and when I come in. So it cut down on a lot of travel time. Todaywas the first time since lastyear I took bus and walke to house. The trains were horribly delayed, then I had to transfer to another line because of transit changes and I got off on wrong stop., then there are like three long blocks of hills to walke to get to the home. Today I dragged myself and feel like I am getting to old for this strenous trek and besides the other issues I need to look out for my self health wise also. I have resquested an assignment in Brookln also on line for other options.
We have changed two aides since Joan the rude one left taking a brand new hotplate which was paid for out of my mothers funds and left the old one she came with originally. We didnt need either one because I had one plus other electric oven and fryers/. Just notice it missing afterthe fall out. It was under the sofa in box. I also have issues with my mothers transport I have to try and change a rider in her insurance if possible. I cant see myself spending 100 dollars for transport every time we go to appointment.
Anyways other wise my mother and I are adjusting.
It sounds like you and your sister are not understanding who is charge of what, to your mom's detriment.
You need to ask;
Is this guardianship for person AND for finances?
If for person, why does the guardian not have Medical information?
Is it safe and appropriate for you to leave?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to mom
I will as always check out advice. I am so grateful.
It's such a blessing and words cannot express my appreciation for your input. Especially when I respect your input not only with ne but through the years if nothing the fabulous advice and I interrogation for clarity with others who are in difficulty in one way or another. I have seen myself often in caring attempts to help others like me stuck in painful situations because we can't let go or see the true obvious source of our pain. Last Thursday after all the stress of this cleaning the guardianship manager Nivole asked about my mothers meds. I told her to check with my sister as she has been in charge of her health care. Only to learn she has not been giving my mother her meds for over a month. I took my mother to doctor the next day and got referrals and meds. Then on Sunday night at work my clients mother went hard on her quest to document normal regular fluctuations in my client o2 sats belittling and harrassment again. When I told her to let me do my job and expressed each time she came running in when the oxygen monitor alarmed that ther was no need for intervention and if she continued to harass and belittle my professional ethics I would leave. She had stepped in my personal space several times and shouted leave and I did. I called my job and explained events. Went In to write statement and was convinced to return. I am tight about her attempt to micromanage my professional documentation via harrassment and inappropriate behavior. I agreed to return on Sunday against my better judgement. I often wonder if it is my life assignment to be in a challenging position to narcissist spirits. I will report to work as promised. I have asked for another case. I have deep affection for my client and to an extent for the mother. I understand her quest to keep RNs as the client is 21 and has to move to a different Medicaid level which very rarely approves 24 hour RN care. She has to cover when nurse calls out which nullifies her quest. I have refused her demands for 3 pages of notes and 3 weeks ago refused to use the washer and dryer after same disrespect and harrassment and demands because the dryer was malfunctioning. I yiy yi. Please keep me in prayer. Thank you for bearing with my issues weakness and ignorance. Today is my mother's 85th birthday.
Make a list of the steps you need to take to move out and move on. Post them on the wall of your room.
If you have debt, go to Dave Ramsey's website. Pay no attention to his investing advice, just his "get out of debt" advice.
Guilt? Your mother controls you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt (F.O.G.)
Look it up, it's thing. It is the number one tool in the narcissist's playbook.
Your mother may be a demented little old lady now, but you have no obligation to her aside from arranging her care, which you have done.
Anyone who tells you differently is dead wrong.
Also, look up Grey Rock as a technique for dealing with the other difficult people in your life.
I sincerely hope you are near the end of this abusive situation that you have been stuck in for so many years. I have even wondered about Stockholm syndrome. I can see how caregivers could quite easily fall into this.
Does this fit? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nUB66aZ4CdY
Or trauma bond?
Best wishes Duck on gathering the courage you need so you are able to complete the transition that you know you NEED to do for your own health and safety. Go find happiness!
Thank you all for the prayers and support. Words can not express my gratitude for input. I am my worst critic and the hard and wise advice I've gotten is very much an option I've considered so many times in years past. I truly appreciate the feedback because it's a truth. I share a lot of personal pain because this is what I noticed in posts and the responses were mostly challenging for true understanding that is the basis of constructive advice. The wisdom via experience or profession has always amazed me. The sharing and honest posts a lot of which shows me a reasonable possibility I will have to face. My faults and weaknesses are so deep rooted and I am slowly breaking the chains. Graceful intervention was at play these past few days. And part of it was due to input from those of you Angels who are moved to intercede, even through exhaustion and personal trials, in the lives of those of us who are broken and struggling. Words can't express the place you have in my heart and my appreciation.
It seems curious that your daughter (may she and her husband's wishes come true in the best time) called to talk to YOU and not her grandfather, the source of the misinformation and also a co-worshiper. "Grandpa, why on EARTH would you tell Pastor Bill that we are expecting?". The fact that she consults YOU about this tells me that SHE doesn't think that he's "all there", perhaps.
I WOULD keep a list, not out of concern about what he's saying about you and your home, but because his care seems to be getting a bit much for you. His judgement and ability to see the consequences of his actions certainly seems diminished.
And the stuff that you've posted about his lack of hygiene also seem to indicate lack of wherewithal to stay safe.
But it sounds to me like Show & Tell. Somebody having a baby would be attention-winning, wouldn't it, and he wouldn't be the first emotionally detached patriarch to be vague about who's who and doing what in his family. Also, if you'll forgive me, your father is quite self-centred enough to think congratulating the grandfather is the only part of the scenario that actually matters.
PS How's his hearing, remind me? Has anyone said anything to him about local granddaughter + husband trying for a baby?
So I asked dad if he told people and he said yes he did. Asked why? He thought he heard that at Christmas time. OK it's 5 months later and this just came out. 2 + 2 is that he was at church yesterday with an event with the pastor and must have said it. His other granddaughter just had a child and maybe I thought he got them mixed up but no this is the one he goes to church with and sees every week. The other one he hasn't seen in 2 years and is many states away. I'd like to think it is just a slip but not so sure.
He is 85, he's been house-bound since Covid but gets out to church and lunch and lodge every week and is on the phone all the time. it's not like he's been in solitary.
Do I start being concerned? I am big on not letting home privacy get outside our walls but he loves to tell a story. Once he gets a piece of info he has to tell the world. He spins a yarn and makes a sweater.
I am now wondering what he is telling everyone about us in the house. He gets facts wrong and embellishes, this has been for years.
So how do approach his Dr who is mine as well? I go to all his appointments. it's not like it has been happening a lot but minor slips here and there. Do I keep track? He has had cognitive tests in the past 2 years after knee replacement and passed fine. Should I be concerned?
Thank you all so much seeing the facts and hard truth is painful. I am tears as I write thankful for the understanding knowing I need to get out. I will look into all. Meanwhile I am mustering up for this big cleaning of total house this morning through saturday and meeting with the aide.
My heart is strengthened with your understanding. Thank you for the input. Hard pills to swallow but needed.
We are the scapegoats of the world, people like you and me and so many others on here. The ones who step in when help is needed and usually are unappreciated. I personally feel that I was dropped off on a planet that I don't belong in to be honest. Occasionally I'll meet a kindred spirit but most of the time I'm just waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and tell me "oh, there you are, we're so sorry but you were never meant to be here. Come, let's get you back to where you belong" That day can't come soon enough.
https://www.seniorlaw.com/guardianship-for-incapacitated-people-in-new-york-under-article-81/
Is the court going to allow you all to continue to live there rent-free?
If only for that reason, I would be looking to move.
What the aides see: 3 or 4 able-bodied working adults living rent-free in demented mom's home. And her with a valuable piece of property falling down around her, living in unsanitary conditions.
WE know this is not of your doing, Duck. They don't.
Have you read the book Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud? It is written from a Christian perspective and has some good techniques.
You got her a guardian. She would not have a guardian if APS thought that the family was capable of pulling together, repairing the house and working out a schedule of care for your mom.
In essence, APS has set you free.
They are doubtless using Medicaid funds to do major repairs and cleaning. A lien will be placed on the home which will be recouped at your mom's death.
If POA sister had the sense God gave a goat, she would have taken out a HELOC, repaired the home and gotten home care for mom.
But she didn't, so you stepped in and saved mom from the indignity of rats and sewage.
Your job here is done, Duck. Time to use your superpowers to save YOU and your future.
Your sister can tell the neighbors any d@mn story she wants to. It doesn't matter. You got your mom what she needed.
From the beginning of you posting her I and many others have said the only solution for you to get out of this situation, get a life, is to get out of there. You say you feel a responsibility to your mom and wouldn't get out. Why? I don't get it at all.
Being there is a constant stressor in your life. Ask yourself, what is best for you? You know the truthful answer. Now is the best time to move on. You can find a better job, RN's are in great demand everywhere. Don't you have a son on the west coast? What about a big move. Would he help you to get moved and settled? It doesn't have to be the west, expensive coast. There are so many areas of the country that are clamoring for health care workers. I imagine, some would even help with moving expenses.
Your mom has help through the court appointed guardian, give it over to them to handle. The condition of the house impacts your feelings about yourself as well.
Barb has given you information on resources in your area. The only way for you to change your life is to get in touch with those and ask for help.
I have not responded to Many of your posts because you wear me out. The situations replay, same player, same games, yet you continue to be stuck.
Change is nearly impossible for some. You WILL find the courage and compassion for yourself with help. Virtually we can only do so much for you. Get out, move, find a new job. You care for so many through your career. Show just some of that to yourself.
Always best to do it your way than lack a plan should the guardian decide to place mom, then you have nowhere to go. Stop blaming your sis, mom and nephew for your situation and months aide! Only you have the power to change it. You will not get their gratitude or compassion or understandimg. Get on with it.
Your mother now has a GUARDIAN. A legally appointed person who is in charge of her person and her finances. You got that put in place. You are free to leave.
The organization that you mentioned assists in helping New Yorkers with finding good roomate situations. I suggest thst you ask them if you can avail yourself of that service and find a shared placed to live. I don't know if you have to be over a certsin age. Also, the YWCA rents nice rooms.
Duck, you are in desperate need of health insurance and therapy. I sent you a list of good places that do sliding scale/free therapy. You will never break out of the bondage to your triggers without therapy.
You need a job with benefits. If the benefits that your current agency has promised for June don't materialize or are less than stellar, you need to find an employment agency that specializes in RNs and get the ball rolling.
Your life is ticking away and I can't imagine that you have a pension or loads of retirement monies saved. You need to start putting YOUR mental, physical and financial health first so that you can age in peace.
(((((Hugs))))))
You broke down my situation in a few sentences. I get the triggering from the aide.
Thanks for the advice and perspective. And, yes 'get out' has been a major theme since i started posting.
I am scared and I feel alone as things evolve. I continue to pray and I do understand the feedback and appreciate it.
I realize I have serious issues and the self esteem is one of them although I would have fought in denial about my low self esteem years ago. I dont know how to break the hold of guilt one of the main forms of control my mother has used and taught my sister.
All I can say is I dont know, I dont even know how to feel, I should feel angry and I am sad. I feel lost, I feel so leery of this whole situation.
Case in point, my family. In the years since my mom died I've had time to realize that my mom instilled that belief in me and that yes, ultimately we have to be the authors of our own story but that is harder to do when if at a young age you were bullied and were made to feel worthless. I know hanging on to resentment is dangerous but at the same time seeing where that resentment comes from and recognizing that it's no longer healthy to be near what triggered that resentment is important if you want to move forward. I've finally recognized that I'll never get anyone in my family to admit their role in my low self-esteem and hoping for some resolution that involves them somehow making amends with me will never happen.
I think that you must somehow break away from what holds you down. Barb is right to ask, What keeps you there? It doesn't sound to me like anyone in your dysfunctional family is ever going to change. You must somehow move on Duck.
Your mother and sister both appear to suffer from mental illness and have trapped you in a poisonous web of self-doubt and presumed incompetence.
The behavior of one of the aides is triggering you. You can't change her behavior, only your reaction to it, or by removing yourself.
The open door? YOU didn't do your usual lockup routine because you were avoiding the aide. Own that. Understand just how toxic a situation this is that you put yourself in danger rather than encounter her. Which leads to more finger pointing and recriminations all around.
What is it you hope to gain by staying? That mama is going to say "I love you, you good daughter"?. It isn't going to happen.
That the guardian will tell sister and nephew off? Also not going to happen.
I'm not sure why you think the City would repair and clean your mother's house and THEN put her in a NH, but you have more experience with the workings of guardianship than I do.
I imagine that if this is a private guardian, there is a mighty profit motive to sell the house. In which case, eviction comes shortly after they remove your mom. Is there a reason to wait to move?
Complex PTSD does not come from one traumatic event, but from several years of trauma. Most often that trauma takes place in the first 15 years of life like it did in mine. I'll spare you the details, but I think this is on target. I also think this may be helpful for many of us who are from dysfunctional families.
Well there is more to the drama. Bottom line is the clean up people are coming to do the entire house starting wednesday 930 am to saturday. I was on phone with the repair person this am to set up dates for repair estimates and extermination estimates. I feel like after this is all done they are going to kick us out and put my mother into a nursing home,
.
Anyway I am taking off tomarrow night to put my things from the shed into the ckitchen pantry closet we cleaned out and place some figurines that were expensive in there al;so. and then to work on my room. I understand that they toss everything.
The frustration and stress is off the charts right now.
Yesterday I inadveretantly left the back doors open when I left for work. I had W the guy who helped me clear pantry closet take bags from back yard for trash. I thought he closed the doors as he ususally does and I didnt do my regualar routine becuase I didnt want engaged the aide. Not to mention that when I came down her bra was on love seat before W came and thank goodness she gathered it up before he came in. I checked myself before I spoke.
Okay so when I come in she tells me I left the back doors open and she closed them before she left I guess around 840pm or so.
So when I return call to guardian supervisor she asks about the back door. mentions me and my sister should need to get back speakingand mentions my sister says if someone else has the key becuase the back doors were open andthere was a shooting in the area. so obvious the aide told my sister about the door and then she confounds situation with a shooting that happened this morning after the fact.
I understand about the envioronment and again I seriously take that into consideration. Its not that bad but the disrepect is another issue and regardless of how she feels I should not be subjected to her anger and feelings. If she feels that strongly then she should leave or learn to be professional.
Working EMS i have enter homes I was afraid of but did not feel a need or a right to express my dislike or opinion about the situation. Same as in ER and hospital units. I have been cursed out and threatened and I have never lashed out at a client. I have spoken and responded in a serious manner but I have yet to lash out in any position. So I dont think the conditions or situation gives her the pass for disrespect that was not called for and totally out of line.
So with that said, I just feel like I am unraveling.
I am open to the feed back.
Rays of love healing to all.
I know this situation is not of your making and you are trying your best for your mom (why you have anything to do with her confounds me, but you are still there).
There aides are on the lowest rung of the employment totem pole, but most of them get to work in relatively nice homes with working plumbing.
I would have some compassion for these ladies and go the extra mile to communicate effectively, leave them out of the family drama and tell them how much you appreciate their help and concern.
Yes, if there are rats, someone should make sure your mother hasn't got bites. If someone calls to express concern about that, "yes, I would love to have mom checked out for that. Can someone come to the home to examine her?"
Duck, this is NOT about you, the blame game, or who said/did what to whom. If you are going to stay in this muck and mire of a situation, look at the situation through your professional lens and get the best for your mom, knowing that she will not appreciate it and no one will give you credit.
You are going to have to be satisfied with knowing yourself that you are doing your best.