The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

DDDuck, hope you are feeling more smoothed out this week? Sometimes after the peaks & plumits of emotion, I like a little calm space to do nothing. Like today. A nothing day ☺️

Hello Everyone, I hope you are all safe and well.

A lot has been going on over the past few weeks. I had a serious sought of break down around the time of my mothers hearing and the weeks afterward. I was really having a hard time accepting how **&^& we as a family unit are and the care of my mother.

I am not sure what was happening if I caught a virus or if it was stress but I have been testing negative for covid thank goodness.
Anyways, my stomach was very upset, poor appetite, just weak and as much as I love to cook I have not been cooking and no desire. I have weeks of food I bought with the intent to cook. I start to feel better slowly but on my way from home my stomach gets sick again.

Two weeks ago we had home health care nurse coordinator in. The guardian manager NG, aps BM the RN coordinator, my sister and I. My sister stood in the threshold the entire meeting. Got exposed for lying that she had retired in her petition for guardianship. That she home everyday and spends nights with my mother on such and such a night one being the night before this meeting and the place was a mess.

She did not enter the rooom. I took the opportunity to ask NG if she could do something about basic channels having a parental block. Twisted says the cable is now basic channel when as if channedls were blocked so I got up and showed how all these channels were blocked so NG ask if she had them blocked and she says no then she asked if she put the parental block on channels and she says yes and then she asked if she could take it off and twisted says yes, they are still blocked.

Then all the money from my mothers accounts was not tuned over . It was significantly much le3ss than I thought and when questioned DN saays it was his mothers expenditures and that he would turn it over which he did.

Back to the visit we got lecture from rn, aps and guardian about how family is first and how each one takes care of their parent or elderly. and this is sad and it was shameful. Also how we need to again put our mess asside and come together and care for my mother. One sweep one day the other the next etc.

Right after they left, ( I am still sick and weak) I get ready to drag myself to laundry and stop to talk conspiracy with my mother after which she points to her leg and says burns. A small red area which I knew was a cellulitis and needed immediate tx with antibiotic. I called twisted twice DN once no response. went to er had to call NG for my mother cards and info. She had the celllulits and a blazing UTI. we came home with two antivbiotics and I thanked God that I was in the frame of mind to sit down with her because this could have gone missed and just find her comatose. UTI are a monster in elderly not to mention a skin infection that can become serious. Seeing blood in her urine broke my heart. She was suffering for a good while.

Also for the edema in her legs the doctor suggested the stocking with the zipper. They worked like magic the swelling is down. It was a struggle but saying your new stocking and then I gave her nice massage. again when we change them.

So again, deep down inside I am dreading the future, having a home attendant will make things so much better. I am beginning to accept that my sister does not care and never did. Her attention in any way is very sporadic and oblivious to obvious areas needing to be addressed.

I still refuse to touch the bed. I am just worn out and behind in damage control.

Back pain and not to mention the hip goes crazy at times.

I stay in prayer, other wise I think I would be committed to an asylum.

Wishing you all the best.

Rays of love and healing.

For me there was a lot of blood, sweat, tears and toil, not much graciousness.

Take care all.

Hi everyone!

A friend of mine asked me how do we continue to "honour our father and mother" even in estrangement? Any ideas?

The only thing I can think of is to follow Golden's example of staying away as much as she could but making sure her mom was safe and cared for without being the hands-on person. I think that is honour with boundaries which is extremely gracious.

Greetings everyone!

Golden, you are always very uplifting and inspiring.

Polarbear, that was fabulous advice to Yoda.

Yoda, I hope you take that advice, you need a break. I love being on the road, the scenery and most of all what ever I am stressing about I cant do anything about it on the highway.

SharynM, take care of yourself you deserve it.

Just checking in. A lot has happened. I will go into it later. Not up to book writing at this time. :)


Wishing you all the best.

Rays of love and peace and healing to us all.

Thanks, Riverdale. Sometimes it is "fake it till you make it". I totally understand your sadness.Mother was like that the last couple of years of her life. Mother became overweight after she became immobile and on a certain drug, but lost it again in her last months. I think she knew very well what was happening to her.

There is nothing we can do but see that they get the best care available and, as you do. visit. I know I felt mother might live forever, though we know that can't happen. It was a relief when she went - both for her and for me. Her quality of life was so poor, and, as you say, the other residents were the same. it is a depressing situation, but we may be there one day too.

God is my strength and my source of hope. We are told if we seek Him with all our heart we will find Him. I read scripture daily first thing in the morning and need that to start my day and keep me going. Life can be hard at times. I will pray for you. I don't always feel God is there but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that He is there, He loves me, and He works in my life for my good. (((((hugs))))

Golden. I always admire your positive thinking despite lifetime obstacles you have faced. I frequently feel so sad that my mother is now in a NH and quite immobile. I sense she seems to feel it could change yet I know it won't and I think deep down she knows it too. She is overweight and has been for years. My greatest fear is now a reality. Nothing I can do but visit her once or twice a week. It will seem odd when that day is no longer a reality yet she has been ill for so long it feels as though that will never happen. I just feel that her quality of life is so diminished and of course that is all I see with other residents there. I look to God but don't feel a connection there yet I long to.

Oh wow!!! The taxes for mother's estate are finally done. I am so relieved. Now it won't take long for everything to be completed and all I have to do is keep the records for seven years, That means I'll be free of it by the time I am 90. I'll have to celebrate then. 🎈🎈🎈

The next thing will be to write a difficult letter to my oldest son who is going through a hard time (too complicated to go into) and sort out my taxes.

And spring is coming too!!! 🌷🌹🌼

Have a good day everyone.

Yoda, I think you really should go on that long drive to get the vaccine.

First, you get a break which you need
Second, your wife has to do things for herself while you are away.
Third, when you come back, let her continue doing things for herself and be less dependent on you.
Fouth, you get the vaccine.
Fifth, you get to go back in 3 or4 weeks to get your second shot, which means you will have another break, and your wife gets to do things for herself again.

Maybe you should take a long break every week.

I must say, that I tire of my wife being so passive about life and so overly dependent on me when she can do more for herself. I've told her over and over how to make paragraphs on her laptop for the book she is writing, but no, I have to do them. Today, she went to the garage and then complained that the key would not let her in the door although the key fit in the door. When I asked if she tried the other key on the ring, she said no. Sure enough, had she tried the other key, she could have gotten herself in the door.

A cousin who lives in another state has informed me that my group of folks with underlying health conditions are being vaccinated where she lives and that I could come up there. However, it is a 9-hour drive which I could do in one day. Where I live, I will have to wait until March 24th. My wife will have gotten her 2nd shot before then. I'm glad that my cousin shared that information and that her husband who she has been caring for, for over a year with lung problems will be getting his shot, but she would have to wait. I asked her to look into that because she is his caregiver. One of her friends who is also in that state confirmed that my cousin can get her shot now. BTW, yes, this is my God-sister. Sometimes, I feel that I really have my hands full between these two and my SIL with her problems plus dealing with my own stuff and a new project that I have going on now. It is so tempting to take off for that other state and get my shot partly just to getaway!

DDDuck, I do have health insurance but I am only allow 2 dr vistas a year, everything else is out of picket. No chiropractor visits. this is why I’m cancelling my LTC policy.

I just spent over $300 for chiropractic and physical therapy. I have a hard time continuing my exercises because my hubs won’t allow me an hour of time in the living room, which is the most compatible room with space. I keep trying to do them and the back bedroom may work. I did buy a hand held body massager to use on my lower back, buttocks and down my highs. This helps to release the fascia muscle. I tried fascia massage but I felt very vulnerable and exposed. I did not expect to have to strip down to my panties and bra while standing in front of a woman checking out how I stand front and back. I just felt too exposed and vulnerable so I never went back lol!

as far as my family of origin goes, well...they know my phone number if they want to talk. I have been willing to cut my brother slack because of having a double lung transplant, yet....if he has no desire to keep in touch, I can’t force it. I pray his is well health wise but I also know he is not close with his sons.

my oldest brother moved to Montana in 1977. He never kept in touch, we only heard from them through his wife even though we sent cards, gifts for their children. InMay of 2002, his son was killed in a head on collision, unfortunately it was my nephews fault as a drunk driver. When I called my brother, he said it’s a shame I only hear from you during a tragedy and we have friends here who are helping us through. You can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t put any effort out but expects you to keep the relationship on going.

I totally get where your situation is unrelenting with your sister. I will not allow my siblings to make me feel guilty any longer. Parents need to to not favor a child over others and expect the family to stay intact or even close. The only family I know who has succeeded in that is my hubs family but, their closeness is paternal. Both my hubs and his brother have no real relationship with their sister. Their ties are only with their fathers side of the family and it’s with people they have only seen and been around a handful of times. I can understand why my hubs sister is the way she is.

take care of you Duck, you matter to your son, focus on that and forget about your sister. Much love and support to you💕❤️

I signed in 15min before apt. Anyways it was the first apointment they made and just happened to be the day before. As temporary guardian I felt like those forms should have been completed when the appointment was set up.

Anyways, I wont be right until we get care for my mother. Meanwhile all of the little changes in her lay on my heart and mind.

I am looking forward to job health insurance to start in June. I pray its decent and I can get psych care and hip treatment.

Good night all.
Rays of peace and love

Also, Try, thanks for the prayers.

Sharyn, boy oh boy your post was so touching and real, I truly understand the feelings around coming to being "done". I think the health insurance situation here is terrible. Public assistance and free medical care, actually the best, work and its practically not affordable. So sad the things we have to go through at dysfunction junction. Did you keep some insurance for yourself?

No try, thanks, I too have a problem with speaking up at first I get frozen and stuck from the intensity of emotions and thoughts but then I let whoever it is have it and good. Now for someone else I can step up easily.

Golden, I am glad you quickly got over the lightening bug. I take oregano oil and it helps me with onset of cold symptoms and also decreases my cough. I had stopped taking it because it was strong for my stomach and caused me to get throes of pain. Now I am back on it for a while.

I saw on facebook a post about using cabbage wrap for knee pain and a lot of positive comments. I am going to try it on my hip and knees.

Well nothing new has happened so far with guardians. The case worker from the guardianship and APS may be coming on Wednesday. My mother has to see doctor and get officially dx'd for home attendant with orders for home care. I understand why my twisted refused to get the dementia addressed. APS MD diagnosed my mother officially validating the need for guardianship.

I am now at a point where I am exhausted mentally physically and emotionally. I watch my mother go back and forth through stages the worst is when she starts yelling and calling out to phantom people, which is where she is now. With mild sedative and meds to slow down the dementia along with a home attendant I think we will be okay.

Last week I came home to find my mother butt naked walking around with a tray full of soda bottle and cup and water bottles. There was a cup or warm coffee in living room and the kitchen was a mess. I had planned to do bathroom and catch up on damage control that I haven't done for a while because of my need to rest my mind and spirit. So by the grace of God, I got the whole shebang in order except for the fridge and I fixed our dinner. Plus she was just buzzing and I was feeling like I couldn't handle this. Then I gave her a donout from the things I bought in and that quited her down. Then she dosed and I got to work. Not to mention the struggle just to get underwear and pants on her. Just up to her knees. Then before I went up I gathered my strengh and got the pants up and put her in bed. Next day she is in the hall sitting on stairs for most of the morning before I got up. So again I had to force her downstairs and put more pants on her she kept on the panties. I know she is taking them off because they are soiled.

Well, I am trying not to do a book but I cant help but flash back at who and how my mother treated me. So many times when I would check her on her actions I would ask who do you think is going to take care of you. Sometimes I just stare at her trying to see a semblance of the mother I fell in love with before she became evil and nasty, yes it was mental illness but still the same as evil and nasty. So many years!!! and I am still in this %$%. My perseverance is getting weak. Its so hard to witness my reality and I just cannot process and accept my twisted's lack of care, and her pompous arrogance and theft of my mother's money. The court lawyer says the guardian lawyer will probably to a turn over heaing. I pray they do something. I also sent email of the bank statements and reminder to G caseworker, that this was why I did not want to pay anything until the finances were out of their hands and also corrected her on statement she made during hearing basically blaming me because I could not sign into this virtual visit they set up for my mother the day before the hearing. I felt duped that I was so happy to finally get a doctor care for my mother, unable to sign in because of consents and the number of forms needed

Glad, hi friend! I totally understand you not want to go to his reunion that your tw1 will be in attendance. The only thing I can come up with is if you are still in contact with several friends that you can meet up with, then you can completely ignore tw1. If you decide to not go, that is understandable. Please don’t let her presence prevent you from an evening of reuniting with friends from the past if possible.

I tried to get my sister to go to a reunion that included her class and mine and she refused. Of course she was drinking then. I would not go to a combined reunion with her now. I do get it.

I am hoping to go to California this summer if Covid-19 is more under control. I will have to save for a hotel/motel room because I am not going to stay with my sister.

you do what is comfortable for you, that is most important.

Hi Sharyn.

UGH! Got a notification that planning for 50th HS reunion has begun. To be combined with some other classes. First thought? Please, please not with TS1's!

Thank you all for the input. I really appreciate it. Just an example of my husbands mind set....he dropped the remote for direct tv for the main tv in the living room. He has not been able to get any channels for direct tv since Thursday evening. I asked him when he was going to call direct tv to have them walk him through this issue. He said, it’s the weekend, no one is available u til Monday. I responded, we are not in the dark ages. I call direct tv’s customer service number and handed him my phone. I told him, I am helping you now you owe me and will help me to get Netflix back on my tv so I can watch the new seasons of Heartland. Lol!

yes, I agree about canceling the long term care policy so I can get better insurance the end of this year. That is what I’m doing. I want healthier meals and I’m not sacrificing my health for him which is what his mother did for his father.

i realize we live in a world that is very independent, I was taught by my mother that my husband would take care of me,.....lol! At the same time, my husband was taught his wife would take care of him.....we are always at a stand still.

I have become of the mind set, I will only give what I get in return. It is sad, but it is reality in my life. While he is walking through the process to get direct tv back up, I can’t help but laugh because he is the one who is helpless, it’s not me.

Golden, i am no longer calling my family of origin. I do have pictures to go through to send my siblings, however, I am not making copies for them. My mother made individual photo books for all of us including grandchildren. I will send all these photo books to my sister and brother and they can pay for addition copies and giving them to their children. It’s much over due for me to set myself free from these people who have no regard for me.

let’s celebrate freedom!!

Good updates about my wife, my foot and my God-sister.

1. My wife learned of a new pain med that lasts 24 hours and thus should put her back on a regular sleep schedule once the insurance company approves it.

2. The PT has helped my hurting heel to recover.

3. My God-sister's husband is going to PT now and thus is able to do more for himself and she now is free to go work out three nights a weak. Before that, she was feeling totally overwhelmed with taking care of him and his terrible health issues for over a year at home which we have all been in prayer about. She's like me in that we both are extroverted people who need to interact with others face to face. Her husband has been a rather grumpy person to care for this whole time.

Sharyn,
If you need to choose between health insurance and the food to keep you healthy, the healthy food will do more for your health, imo.

I hear you about the struggle! With the husband, and what he is eating.
Fresh greens (he asks for) are going bad so he can now eat up pre-packaged meals brought over by a neighbor, [refrigeration continuity unknown!].

This kind of confusion can really unsettle the cook (wife).

Eat your food first. My hubs eats it all, after saying he doesn't want any, and he eats the oldest foods he can find. Keep on your schedule, do not allow him to distract you. imo. I have been leaving the kitchen when he gets too controlling. I go back later.

Sharyn, can you just cancel the long term and just pay for a better health insurance plan for yourself?

sharyn - "Go Girl". Good for you sticking up for yourself. I have cut contact with my extended family - basically my sis - and when I did I felt safer than ever before. You are right - good food is necessary for health and wellbeing. Hubs need to help himself. You can support him if he wants to help himself but you can't do it for him.

gershun keep those boundaries!!!

You didn't sound bad at all Sharyn. No worries.

Gershun , I know what you meant, I’m sorry if I sounded or come across otherwise. I know what you are saying and like you I’m just done. My mother taught them well and ther is no unteaching their mind sets. 💕💕💕❤️

Sharyn, I know it's not that easy. I didn't mean to sound flip about it. I experienced same with my sibs and still keep them at arm's length five and a half years since my mom died.

I think once you've made the decision sticking to it is easy. It's the wavering back and forth that is difficult. I know I've kept my resolve and my family see that I'm not to be messed with anymore.

I know it's trite to say this but we do teach people how to treat us. Your family needs to be taught and you need to stick with it and be true to you.

Gershwin, I wish it was that easy. My sister did very little to help my mom. Yes I’m done with my family of origin and I thank you

Sharyn, good riddance to them too! You're probably better off without them. You just continue being number one in your own life

So here I continue, lol! My family of origin is nothing but garage. I was was raised in a family with four children but I never existed. I’m the the youngest. I’m the one who saw to the majority of my mothers care. My sister was name as primary on the DPA. When my mother died, everyone including my general care dr who was my mothers dr, only saw the paper work where my sister was named as the person in charge.

yes, I’m having big issues since my mother died where I seem to have disappeared from the land scrape even though I was the one who was there for my mom from beginning to end. My family of origin has just disregarded me. I’m done with all of them as well. All I can say, my borderline personality disordered mother taught them all very well

im done, Thanjavur you for letting me vent.

So here we go with Sharyn vent,lol! So be ware.....


I need to vent and I’m at my wits end. You can ignore me I don’t care, I just need to get some things off my chest.

as I have posted in the past, my hubs does want to spend money on decent food since his stroke in 2013. He is fine with canned chili beans, hot dogs, frozen pot pies. I don’t mind this a couple times a month. I’ve tried every reasonable means of communication with him but it only works as a short term solution since he controls the most part of out money.

I decided I am cancelling my long term health care policy and the very limited health insurance that I have been paying for. I believe I have paid my dues to my marriage and while I DO NOT EXPECT MY HUSBAND to be my savior, I do believe we need to be cohesive. While that will never happen in my life time, I have given up on the idea of being a United couple.

I am cancelling my LTC policy and very limited Health insurance policy all of which I am paying for out of my very limited social security. This will allow me to be able to pay for healthy food, I’m not talking about organic food, just normal food. He can continue to eat as he pleases and I can eat food I see as healthy.

many of you may not agree with my choices, my health is important to me and while I have sacrificed more than enough over 40 years, I’m just not going to sacrifice decent food to eat pot pies and chili dogs.

I must add that I have sacrificed too much of myself to the point that I have lost who I am. I’m just not willing to do that anymore. My hubs does not want to help with my health insurance +and I’m not going to pay for LTH policy to help him out. This is a long post.

I am at a point in my life where I want to do things and live a way that makes me happy. So if I use what money I have to see that happen, I will. My hubs actually stood in front of me with tears in his eyes saying I need you to help me!! Been through that too many times to care. I can’t help him, he needs to find his own help because I’ve put too much time into this same subject since 1986. Im not heartless but I’m also not giving up myself. And suggestions I will appreciate, love to everyone!,

sharyn - those grandbabies are growing. Bigger kids, bigger mischief!!! The kitties are being themselves = trouble some times. Mine will be 2 years old in May. Hard to believe. Glad your pain is better. Hope the exercises continue to work.

Yoda - sounds like things are improving.

glad - dysfunction is the gift that keeps giving. I am so glad I don't have extended family to deal with. What my kids are going through is enough.

duck - as always look after yourself. I would hope that the guardian could see the money issue. It will be great to get some repairs done.

Just recovering from a "lightning bug" meaning one that hit like lightning and passed as quickly, but leaves some additional fatigue. Could have been worse. My granddaughter is all agog about her graduation coming up. Of course it is likely there will be no ceremonies or prom other than virtual ones, but the girls are out buying their dresses. I said I would get her her prom dress and yesterday she bought it. I am very pleased with her choice. It is a garnet red, long, simple and elegant. The colour is great on her. She is a tall, well built girl and carries it very well. The next step will be getting professional photos done.

Good news for my son who lost his job due to the economic changes - his gal got a new job some months ago and was temporary. Recently she was promoted to permanent with benefits etc. I am so happy for them. He has been diagnosed with adult onset diabetes, is on metformin, losing weight, and keeping his blood sugar down with diet and exercise. We have chats about glycemic indexes etc.

Take care all. Keep your sanity in these difficult times. 😜

Thanks, Duck. It is hard at times for me to speak up for myself, but I had reached a point where I had to.

I am so sorry for the horrible situation you are having to bear with and be in the middle of. I agree I would not pay a single bill for they have your mother's money.

You are in my prayers.

Yoda, glad the appointment idea worked out.

Glad, nice to see you posting. Follow your heart. As it is for me, I try to avoid placing myself in a position to be hurt or irritated, by phone or in person.

Besides the drama of the guardianship. I am learning that my sister and nephew kept more than half of my mother's money that was in account to be turned over to the guardianship. Because my nephew's name was on account they had to close it and give a cashiers check. During the hearing she reported the check to be a whole lot less than half of what was acutely in my mothers accounts.

I just received statements from the bank mailed to the house I am guessing because the accounts were closed out and it was my mothers address. My nephew had the mail coming to his apartment.

So I have been in a funk, just trying to accept and process all of what has been happening. It breaks my heart and soul to see how twisted and N abused my mothers honor by neglecting her needs and now taking much more than half of her account.

The guardianship caseworker asked me to do her a favor and pay half the bills. I refused to do so stating as long as my sister and nephew has access to my mothers accounts they will use her money to pay my sisters part of the bills. during hearing it was noted that twisted was paying half the bill and I wasnt, this was because they have taken over half of my mothers money. She would otherwise be struggling to pay anything. She couldnt even keep up with her cable bill it was always behind. Now all the mail goes to my nephew except the cable which he pays for my mother and sister.

Meanwhile, it breaks my heart and has drained me emotionally to clean up the messes and make poioson to keep the rodents in check. Thank goodness I have not had anymore sightings but I put out my peanut butter poison mixed with draino, it sits for a few days and then its gone. I replace it knowing that a next one will find its way there. I am too afraid to go in basement.

Now learning of this fraudulent money business, I am trying to hang in untill the guardianship get to work with repairs and removing dead appliances and get to the possible entryway of the mice and rats.

As much as I try to front, I was traumatized and spooked with rodent issue. By the time I learned of hearing which was the day right before the hearing I was so empty and weak, I was crying and weening and I knew I had to find a way to process it all. I had to take a break from my mother. I havent done any work since the week of the 28th. So the chores are backed up. The floors are dirty the bathroom is a mess and each week I am off after I feed and do damage control of her new mess I have nothing left.

Meanwhile I am a witness to the regular neglect of my mother by my sister. Its only when my nephew comes that the MacDonald coffee cups of two weeks that i line up refusing to touch them. If they bring her something sometimes I find it mushed up in a cup or packed in a sock. This week I was amazed at how much stuff my mother squeezed in one diabetic sock.

I am dreading this clean up situation, they are also going through the two large rooms on the parlor floor. I was hoping to retrieve a sapphire and diamond ring I gave my mother. And possibly guard for hidden money or valuables but now I dont care. There not much fight left in me.

On top of the hip pain and I still get the flashes of light in corner of my right eye especially when stressed. I started smoking more and more since last year when I had surgery and now its worse so I am now on welbutrin to stop smoking. They say it takes about a week but first day I had no desire and now I down but not significantly. Not to mention cocking my tail more than ususal when I am off.
I have started having a smoke when I am downstairs as well as a drink once the food is prepared and my mother is eating and I have packaged what I am going to take upstairs

I pray for rays of healing and love for us all.