notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Talked to AD (auntie dearest) yesterday. She invited me to the lake this summer, as she has done the past few years. I have not gone, DID NOT want to spend any time with TS1 and she always goes. You might remember two years ago DD1 went with both twisteds. That really hurt.
Told AD that I would not go if TS1 was also going, I do not want to spend any time with her, still, at all. AD told TS1 last year that she did not want her to come at the same time as everyone else. AD wants her there when nobody else is there. Turns out ts1's behaviors are completely wacky.
AD had Norway visitors, family, two years ago. AD was completely embarrassed by TS1. She made almost all conversations into political arguments. How terribly inappropriate! TS1 is a very left, strongly opinionated person. Doesn't understand facts, just emotion is all she can spew. Everything becomes a political argument. It really is very odd. For starters she is quite the narcissist, and is the main reason all of the legal wrangling while I cared for mom and after she passed away.
Don't know about Minnesota though. DD1 can be a problem too.
I'm happy to read the positive improvements in your wife.
Thanks and no, she does not go with me to see my therapist. I've told him things about my childhood that she does not need to hear. I appreciate his idea of making an appointment.
Well, that didn't take long to change. After I went to bed at around 10, she came into the room and asked if I would like an appointment. Excellent, I didn't even have to get out or quote I Corinthians 7:5 earlier about married couples not stopping being romantic except for prayer lest either fall into temptation. I Cor. 7:4 goes a bit further than that, but I had forgotten that verse. How nice of a change this was tonight. I think many would be surprised at the practical marital advice in these two verses. She sure dealt with that concern quickly! I appreciate that.
Deb, my heart goes out to you. The blood pressure is not to be played with. Even with meds my pressure will shoot up and take forever to level out. Stress can kill you.
Also Deb, Polar Bear was right on point in her comments. My job is a relieft from the sadness of my living environment. Its my escape. By no means should you quit your job.
Golden, good to hear from you, the drama continues and is going to get worse as repairs are made and getting homecare.
Sharyn, good to hear from you and the news was inspiring.
Good night.
Rays of love and peace to us all.
Thanks. I informed my wife that it has been over a year since we did any kissing and hugging. She said that she was not aware of that and then went into her list of health problems plus she stays up late, like 3 am, and sleeps late, like 12) pm, but I go to bed around 11 and often am up by 6 am. I said that my solution is that we need to make an appointment for our times together when we are both wide awake. She liked that idea. My therapist told me that I'd likely need to make an appointment with her. Making an appointment is the next step.
I must have needed this much extra sleep to make up for not sleeping all that well due to my CPAP mask leaking a lot of air.
I changed masks on Monday and have been sleeping better, but more ever since. Even my Provigil, wake up medicine did not keep me awake. Provigil sure works much better than Nuvigil.
My wife gave me the most endearing Valentine's card, but still no physical contact. She claimes she is past all of that now that she's 65 as well as now, 66. What a bummer outlook on life. There is a verse in I Corinthians 7:5 about such an outlook between husbands and wives.
I understand that her sister is the same way with her husband, but I couldn't blame her. If I were a woman, I could not stay married to the man and I would have never married the looser, to begin with.
Now, I can get various needed jobs done.
Starting last Friday, I've been sleeping too much and still feel tired once I get up which are for short times. I've only exercised twice and that without much energy. I've checked my blood sugar and it is fine, I'm going to contact my doctor about this.
Evidently, I just roll out of bed and land on my left side which is the side that I sleep on, on the right side of the bed.
Now, I'm more careful to get completely in the bed plus using the very long pillow between my knees and hugged up to my chest, somehow keeps me from falling out of bed.
Why? Were you thinking that maybe my wife had been kicking me out of bed?
Well, I fell out of the bed one night when my sister in law was staying with me in another bedroom after her sister's knee replacement surgery. I was in my room in our big queen-sized bed and yet fell out of the bed very early one morning. Debra had no idea what had happened nor what to do until I got up off of the floor and could tell her I was ok.
My therapist has been of no help. My wife is showing a bit more interest in life by actually going to her PT and doing the exercises plus using the ice pack some. She's taking up a water colouring course at the senior centre, all of which are good. Until the PT gets around to fixing her walking and getting her intro strength training, she has a long ways to go to be up to worldwide travel that she wants to do.
I've discovered some leaks in my CPAP mask and have replaced it. It's good to be sleeping better. I continue to find that sleeping with a bolster pillow keeps me from falling out of bed at night.
Your job is your lifeline. Your job is your livelihood. Your job is your break away from caregiving. Your job is what keeps you sane. Your job is your source of socialization. If you quit your job, you will be out of the workforce, and once your dad dies, it will be very hard to get another job, especially now with so many people out of work.
Why are you stressed now? You're stressed due to the job of taking care of your disabled dad. It is killing you. You are taking care of your dad part of the day right now, and do you think doing it 24/7 is going to give you less stress? NO. It will be even worse.
Your dad has no right to demand that you give up your life. That is very selfish of him.
Talk to a social worker at the hospital to see if he can be placed in rehab and then a long term care facility. He needs care around the clock. You can't do that without killing yourself literally.
Sell the house and buy a smaller one, use the money that would have been the proceeds from the sale of your dad's home to pay for his care.
The kittens are 6 months old, still very playful and follow me everywhere. They do try and succeed at getting out the slider door to the backyard. I am going to figure out something for them once the weather gets better for them to be outside Enclosed and safe. Hokus loves to nibble on toes and fingers much to our Golden’s dislike, but he will just push him away with his paw. Pokus loves to rub against my slippers, especially the toe, then he will literally just fall over in front of my feet making it hard to not step on him. They love open windows and today is great for that with 45 degrees and no wind. I open a window in a back bedroom and they love the cool air.
l’ve been going to a chiropractor/pain center. I paid out of pocket (insurance won’t cover), for 5 appointments including exercises for stretching the hamstrings, quads, and hips in addition to core exercises. Friday is my last appointment and I’m doing so much better. I still have pain once I go to bed but I’m going to do the stretching before bed to see if that helps.
have a nice week, if possible buy yourselves a treat for Valentines Day❤️❤️❤️
I read your post and it broke my heart. I can relate.
I was struggling so horribly with high blood pressure that my doctor sent me for heart tests.
Stress can really take a toll on us.
You are not going to be able to keep up this pace.
Your dad is most likely not going to understand and I realize how frustrating that is.
Your decisions regarding caring for your dad are going to have to be made with YOU in mind. Your LIFE is depending on it.
My doctor warned me that I was heading for a heart attack or stroke. You don’t want either of those!
Continual high blood pressure is a serious health concern.
This is working for either of you. Dad needs more care than you can give him.
Find a social worker. Make a plan. Either you or the social worker will have to tell dad, not ask him, but tell him of the necessary changes that must be made in your lives.
Sorry for the loss of your stepmom. I wish your dad had better health. This is very difficult for both of you.
I know that you love your dad and had the best of intentions to care for him.
The truth is that none of us ever knew how incredibly hard it was going to be.
Don’t stay trapped! So not worth it! Do not repeat my mistakes. I had mom for 15 years in my home and it nearly killed me.
Please nip this in the bud now.
Take care. Best wishes to you and your dad.
Keep us posted. We care.
October he fell in yard broke 5 ribs pierced a lung went to 24 nursing rehab. He began to hallucinate and do strange things. He came home November 25th fell the 26th and broke his shoulder back to rehab.
He has lost 70Lbs since May and the doctors don't seem to think it is an issue he was 275. He was on about 14 medicines and I got him into hospital on a 72 hour hold and they reduced all meds down to three in November so I don't think it is due to prescriptions and he does not have a UTI.
He has been home since Christmas ever. When the OT and PT come he is charming does all his exercises etc. When they leave and I get done with work he is confused and demanding.
He won't get out of his chair etc. I have been working around the clock between his care and my work.
My bloodpressure is off the charts and I am falling apart. I cant sleep. I have to call lift assist a fe times a week and he refuses to go to asisted living or even talk about solutions.
This is my responsibility he keeps telling me.
Now the OT is telling me he is able to get up when he falls but cognitively he can't get his legs to move and gets confused and frustrated.
I have a neurologist appointment and one of the nurses sent me a link for sundowners. She said the neurologist can give answers but not solutions.
I have held the hands of many of my family as they died of cancer. And a great aunt with dementia who was in a care facility. It is just he and I. He told me to quit my job if it is stressing me out. I have been with my company for 28 years and love my job I just cannot keep up this pace any longer.
I have no experience with this and truly am at my wit's end.
Any advice or tools would be greatly appreciated
Hope you are enjoying the weekly get togethers with you grands and surviving the winter.
Duck - thinking about you and wondering how you are coping with your various challenges.
Yoda - hope your therapist is helping you and that your wife decides life is worth living again.
Trying - thinking of you too and the grief you are processing.
I am looking out my living room window and it looks nice and bright out, but the temps are still pretty low. I am very thankful for a warm house, grocery deliveries and amazon and such.
I've written it elsewhere but I will again here. Listening to music - really soaking myself in it - is helping me sleep better, and hopefully that will benefit me re the CFS/FM. I feel calmer, less wired and tired. After an emotional phone call with my oldest son, who is going through some difficult times, I was wired again but continued to listen to music and was good the next day. It's better than any drug I have tried. lol There is research to support these effects of music, no bad side effects and it doesn't cost me anything. Youtube is enough.
Kitties are good - staying in mostly because of the cold and a little bored, but good.
Thinking of you all and the challenges of covid. Hopefully the vaccine will make a difference to society. I see no signs of it coming to my area yet, but I guess it will eventually.
Take care all. Big (((((((hugs)))))).
a recent study has come out showing gum disease plaque and the plaque in the brain with Alzheimer’s patients is the same. There are some new drugs they are working on to slow this process with really good results if the drug is given to the patients early. Yes, more studies need to be done and will be. But it does give hope to those of us in the future.
Sorry, I missed your point. I have talked with her, but nothing changes. Our youngest son, who was with us for several months last year, noticed how she's given up and talked with her about it. I'm finding this is dragging me down a little too.
One more thing, I've decided to see my therapist once a month for three months to see if that helps. I had been seeing him far more frequently. Then, we started only meeting every 3 months. He told me that this time, it had been 5 months with his emergency surgery.
I think it's good that you have a support team (your therapist, SIL and g-sister) to talk about what you're going through.
For me, I am so grateful for this forum because in truth this site is the only place I can fully express my frustrations, my feelings and thoughts about my caregiving burden. I don't share much with friends and relatives because I fear they would not understand and would judge me. I do share with my husband, and he understands but can't appreciate fully since he's not in my shoes.
No, I don't tell my wife what I tell them, and we don't get into specifics, just generalities. My SIL mainly talks about her struggles with her health. She knows that I already know her struggles with her husband. Even my boys don't like being around him, my wife takes extra anxiety meds, and my meds help me a lot.
About the rest of what you said in your earlier post, I think it's good that you have your SIL and your god-sister to confide in and to support one another. Do you tell your wife what you tell the SIL and g-sister specifically things about your wife that bothers you?
What did you think about the rest of what I said in my update?
Years ago when my beard changed colour before my hair did, I tried some die, but my skin reacted to it. So, I'm not sure I want to try that again. I'd likely look younger if I shaved my beard closer to warmer weather. I have always had a young-looking face for my age.
Thanks for your and everyone's support!
What did you think about the rest of what I said in my update?
Thanks for your and everyone's support!
Thanks for the update. The therapist is right about your wife. She's the only one that can change her thoughts and hopelessness. But the pain does play a major role. When you're in so much pain that you can't move, it makes you feel defeated. That's probably how your wife feels. I hope she can put her efforts in doing her PT so she can get better. You can encourage her but she has to be the one that wants to do it.
About your long hair, do you think you want to dye it to a darker shade? Maybe brown or light brown? I think it will make you look and feel younger.
Same drama, bigger twist.
Rays of love and light to all.
So very sorry for your loss. I hope you are well.
He is glad that she went to see the PT who talked straightforward about needing to get more mobile, that she's had a hip replacement and spine pain also, but by using what she knows about PT has been able to help herself. The PT observed as I have that my wife does not walk right. She said they would deal with that latter, but she didn't want her doing any walking now. She gave her some exercises to do at home plus advice about using ice on her back in three places and using some new pillows to help in her sleeping The last part, she has done. She's done the ice one day.
My therapist also said that her excuses for not cuddling are weak and that I should make an appointment with her to do that.
We did talk about my mother some, whose memories still return randomly, he said that what she did to me is much more common than people think for it is seen as less taboo. I told him that I did not miss her at all now that she's dead, but I do miss my dad and appreciate him more now that I've learned more about what he went through in fighting to visit me and to pay a monthly bond as well.
My sister in law understands my plight as she has said herself, our lives are very similar. My God-sister is in the same boat in some ways although her husband is disabled with a brain tumour and lung problems. Yet, he can get around with a walker which he does not always use as he should. She told me that given how he treats her that she doesn't feel like sitting beside him and holding hands. She does have the help that comes over plus several supportive family members, plus goes to her husband's business a few days to work. Unfortunately, her former therapist left. So, she is not sure what to do but talk with me. I'm sure she's not being completely open like with a real therapist, but I try to be supportive and try to refer her to a real therapist.