notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
I see my therapist on Monday morning and will report back about it. I still haven't decided if I want to keep him or not.
Other good news is that my health insurance now offers a free app to help me with weight loss and diabetes plus has reminders about when to take what medicines through the day. I'm spoiled! :) You may want to see if your insurance does that.
You can likely see from my pic that my hair is now getting even longer on the sides and in the back. I am still not comfortable with having a person cut it. My God-sister's hair has grown down from her shoulders to halfway down her back. If this pandemic goes much longer, it will be a long as a friend of mine from high school who could sit on her hair.
Take it easy. As a Virgo I know I am prone to overdo things. It was a very slow painful process to accept my limitations and the toll my life circumstances have had on me.
So I try to take it easy and felt good when I took the long walk to the express train station and didn't feel winded after a steady pace.
The hip issue still present and aggravated last night when my client acted out and I had to maneuver for our safety, also the occasional eye flashes, I dare not mention anything else except that eating out causes my pressure to go up. I didn't cook this weekend but 1 day. I will be playing it by ear this weekend.
I am looking forward to viewing the inauguration. I pray for a smooth transition. So much going on in the country and in our lives.
So being new at aging these past few years have been tumultuous, the process is not a joke!
So glad to have this forum as part of my arsenal in life.
Sleep Tight, Good Night, Rays of love and healing to us all.
tg - things are getting worse and that will continue. Its sad when you have to hide stuff in your own house. Did you check with the doctor about his blow outs? It is worse than having a child as his condition will only deteriorate. Re the oysters, my mother once bought me season tickets to the symphony in her city. I live 5 hrs drive away. She was hoping I would then come down and drive her to the symphony. It was purely self serving and the true mark of a narcissist. I returned them to her and suggested she give them to someone who could use them.
I have had a few long phone calls with my oldest son and am quite concerned about him. Maybe it is the diabetes he was just diagnosed with, and/or the job loss and working to set up a new career, and/or the pressures of covid. I would appreciate prayers from anyone who does pray. His dad and his grandma on that side both had Alzheimer's which puts him at risk for early onset if he has inherited the gene. Frankly, I am worried about him.
I seem to be more or less over that last flareup. Now to get some things done without setting off another one! Due a delay in delivery our vaccination schedule is set back a month or two or maybe more. Eventually it will happen. Have a good and safe day everyone.
Good weather continues here for the rest f the week. It is a major blessing.
I
its just infuriating at times. Last night was my wife's birthday so for the first time in a year we went to a nice restaurant. I got him a roasted chicken to have for dinner. While we were out he found a crab cake from last nights dinner that I said the night before was for my wife's lunch, of course that is what he ate, and he cant find anything in front of him but he finds the pie in the fridge down stairs. If we have something saved for later and it is expensive he will find it and chow it down but yet wont eat normal leftovers we have in the hose like I do all the time (I hate to throw food away) I always eat leftovers for lunches of dinner.
If I make a special dinner or something really nice he wont say he likes it. If I get an item that is not cheap or hard to fine he will scarf it down. We had special berries brought in from a friend and make some desserts and jellies, he goes for that right away, so I have learned to put the good stuff in store brand jars or say something is store brand then he wont touch it. If I say something is nice or special we goes right for it. I took him to the Dr yesterday for his check up and the Dr asks him something and then I tell the Dr the truth, "have you fallen lately?" him "no", Me "what about a few weeks ago when you fell out of bed?"... him "that was a nightmare"....... the Dr. "Have you gotten him a bed rail?"... Me "yes the next day".... Like having a child.
While we are out he want a sandwich so we stop at mcDs he gets his normal the tells me "the next time you are at the store get me sushi"..... OK I get it, he cant drive anymore (I wont let him) and he cant go out to restaurants (COVID), but it just pains me the way he asks.
Funny note, he loves oysters, so do I and they are not cheap and a task to open. We get them once in a great while, I got him some for his birthday which was a filet, lobster and oysters btw, not like he is being treated like a prisoner. For Christmas he buys me a large contraption and Oyster opener.... so I ask him why? "Well I saw you opening oysters so I got this for you". That means I'm supposed to buy him oysters and open them for him... Like buying your mom a baseball glove in your size for he birthday....
I know in the large grand scale of things this is the most minor but its another straw on the pile everyday with no break. We cant go away because he is a fall risk and we have no back up. Plus I get the guilt card going all the time. its inbred in me I guess. Just hard not to have privacy and everything he hears he repeats to family and friends. We cant talk about my writes work because he repeats it to friends in town and her work is not that to be repeated. again no privacy.
I took a mental health day and some time from my mother. I just stayed upstairs all day on Thursday. When I came down on Friday I did laundry, cleaning and bought out and took my butt back upstairs. She said something to the fact that she hadnt seen me and I didnt come down. I felt bad but for a change I put myself first.]
Barb, I have started to make note of the violence since the last episode because when it happended I couldnt remember the last time and thought there might be something to her changes.
The last time she was very active and buzzing right before she went off. Yesterday when I left for work she was asleep. I left some snacks under a plate cover. When I came in she was buzzing. It was hard to get her to eat but I finally got something in her. When I came down to go to work it was a mess. And she was busy bee. Finally left her eating.
So glad to have this forum. I feel stressed and worn down and resentment. being outcasted by my twisted and her children. Not just me but my mother also until there is going to be a visit from and outside authority. Its was very irritating to see my sister outside talking who knows what with the guardian rep. N for so long. gesturing (lying). The guardian agency now has control of my mothers monies and the repair person finally came but was not what I expected. I expected someone who actually worked and knew stuff. Like the professional sewer line person who knew something was wrong with sewer soon as he walked in.
This guy was scarier than I was to go into the basement so I had to send him a picture. He took pictures of everything and that was it. Ms N just watched and then as they were leaving she called my twisted who came down and showed them the parlor floor rooms to which I dont have a key. ( I did at one point but I misplaced it or they changed the lock cause none of the keys I have work anymore) and then Ms. N and my sister stood in front of the house and spoke for a long time.
Since then there are f4 large coffee cups and black platters lined on mantel piece from the last week since Wednesday. I do not understand why they feel they dont have to throw them out. The Nephew does when he comes sometimes but not twisted, I just let them accumulate and take pictures. I refuse to touch them its enough cleaning up my mothers messes.
I wish I had the mindset to not care. I have to find a way to cope with this better.
Rays of love and light to all.
I am so sorry to learn about your mother's passing, and hope that your involvement in the community here as well as other support you have will be of comfort to you at this challenging time.
Please accept my condolences, and sympathy for you and your family. May peace be a companion to you as you go forward.
I am sorry for your loss. At least she went in her sleep and now she is at peace!
Hugs!!!💗
As for the pain from possible over exercising, over a year ago, I overdid my arm exercises that I injured the tendons between my left arm and shoulder to the point I could not move or lift my arm. That was when I realized you were only as strong as your tendons, never mind the muscles. Had to go to PT, did a lot of PT exercises. My arm is almost back to normal after more than a year. I won't be making that mistake again.
Yoda - hope you get things sorted out. A good therapist is invaluable.
I am sorry for your loss and your emotions sound normal to me.
Well, this is right where I left it back near 3:30. It's now 5:47. My personal trainer told me today that I'm going to need some new shirts with bigger shirt sleeves getting how big my arms are getting. After every Personal trainer time, I have an assisted stretching. I told him about my heel. He worked on it some and showed me a new exercise to help it. I told him all about my heel, what I had done plus most recently using a lacrosse ball beneath my foot during which time I discovered that the outside edge of my right foot was also sore up to my little toe. I also told him that I put the ball under my left foot and found some pain there also. My right foot heel has improved some but I still can't walk with full weight on it. The PT thinks that this came with the calf raises that I did last Wednesday since the pain began.
Well, I'm going to finish my supper and go get on my leg pumps for tonight.
I'm so sorry about your mom passing away early this morning. When they go peacefully in their sleep, it's really a blessing.
I'm sure your emotions are mixed which is completely normal and it's too new to know anything else.
You didn't just "try" doing your best - you "did" your best!
May God help you in the days ahead as you work through your grief.
Thank you everyone for being here. Reading your stories and experiences made me feel less alone and your kind responses and support got me through countless tough days.
I didn't realize that I sounded that bad. I do feel some better with my dose of anti-anxiety med going back up. We lowered it because it seemed to be having some sexual side effects.
Among other things, I do miss cuddling with my wife and have told her, but when she does get out of bed, she mainly focuses on writing her book on her laptop or is on social media or playing a laptop game. Excuse me ladies, but I must say this. Yes, I'm 63 and take viagra, but I'm not dead, but I need some physical touch even if we don't do everything which she feels at 65 she is out of the loop for. My sex drive has always been high since I hit puberty at age 12 and the current situation is not good.
I do have some friends that supply me with some emotional support, but I can't tell them everything.
I've been with my current therapist longer than with anyone else since 2002. He has a doctorate in psychology and has been very helpful in helping me with my issues with my mom during which time some bad memories came to mind as she continued to decline.
Those memories have not totally gone away but I think all that could be accomplished has been done. I am surprised that the psychotherapy group that he is part of did not have anyone in mind to recommend for me to see in the in-between time. That is not very professional nor helpful. My next appointment with him is Feb 1st, but earlier it was moved to this week on the 14th. Who knows after this emergency surgery, he may not be up to speed on the 1st.
In the past, I had met with 3 very good female LCSWs. The first one was the very best but she left, formed her own group, but then decided to stop. I started dealing with my issues with my mom, with her. She made the comment one time that one day I was going to see what my mother had done to me and she hoped that I would be able to forgive her. I didn't bring that up with the other two as I was focused on other things and didn't feel like pursuing that with them.
Now, I think I'd like a female LCSW again to help me with current things.
When our son was here for a few months between renting a place near DC and buying a place in DC, he commented that it is obvious that I don't have any help, but his mom expects everyone to do for her because she sees herself as so old. While I am not as in shape as I was last Christmas, but I am still in better shape than I went down to by last March when I did virtual physical training online with my personal trainer. Now, they are fully open and I go there three times a week, speaking of it is now time for me to go. I'll finish this later when I get back.
when will the pandemic be over, when can people go back to work, when can we go to the movies, when can we go out to dinner? When is the SUN going to shine in Upstate New York????
we feel your pain Yoda. It helps to talk to a therapist. It helps me a lot!!! Stay well and stay safe!!
I can only think of one suggestion. Count your blessings, however small. They might help you see not everything is hopeless and bad.
A cortisone shot in your heel if all else fails. Feel better soon!
You are exactly right.
Take care of yourself for no one else will.
We need to do our best.
Around here, we look at each other, laugh, and say: "This is all just temporary."
A good therapist will have recommended someone to be on call while out.