The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yoda,
Agree, the soaking with epsom salts. And don't be afraid to massage that heel and foot.
When that happened to me, I tried the massage, and concentrated black cherry juice. The doctor said it was a bone spur, but it was healed, just went away. But it was very painful.

Do talk out your stuff to people on here, in addition to therapy. Even online therapy, zoom meetings, phone appointments. Just get it all out. Having a wife who is declining, you will need some extra support.

Today, my husband scared me with his bad mood and attitude. I thought, this was it...somebody is going to lose it....and felt that I did not know what to do for him. But enforced rest, from 2 p.m., to 4 p.m. helped. All sound off, even music. The budgie bird is molting so also does not feel it's best. All 3 of us had a good nap, yesterday and today. It is working for us.

A few minutes outside also helps. If it is not too cold or snowy.

Keep talking it out, because we care!

NoTryDoYoda... Try soaking your feet in a very warm foot bath by putting it in a small plastic tub (if you have something like that), where you can sit in a chair for about 20 mins. If you have some Epsom Salts, put some in the water also... it may help your heal pain... if you can do this daily or every other day for a while... It also feels so good... And, you deserve it!

Yoda, you sound like you are in a bad place right now. Please don't stop reaching out. I can't speak for everyone on here but I would miss you if you stopped posting.

I don't post as much as I once did but I still check in regularly and I hope you will continue to do so. Maybe a new therapist would be a good idea for you. Look into it and never give up!

Hi everyone. I'm going ok, but the bottom of my right heel has been hurting since last Thursday despite icing it and stretching my calves. I am hardly coming here at all and don't see much here that grabs my attention as in the past. I've had to get my psychiatrist to increase my anti-anxiety medicine. My wife is staying very inactive. She's decided to write up what she wants for her funeral. Right now, I'm not doing well on my diet. My therapist had some emergency surgery which put him out for half of December and all of January. I'm scheduled to see him on Feb. 1. Maybe this is a good time to find someone new here where I live instead of an hour away from where I used to live.

Take care of yourselves, everyone, for no one else will.

duck -not many are coming to this thread regularly any more. I have to agree with barb than your mum needs more and a different kind of care. You aren't able to keep basic hygiene in your home and your mum is a danger in the kitchen. This is only getting worse and will be harder and harder on you.

tg - I think the same can be said of your dad. It's getting worse and the messes and care needed is escalating. However I know you come here to vent, not for advice. On a practical note. imodium might help with the explosions. What does his doctor say about it?

The mild weather is continuing here through the weekend, thank goodness. I am recovering from that flare up. What a relief! I need to focus on the positive things in my life. There is a lot of weird out there! lol.

Have you ever heard of bidet toilet seats TG? I don't have one myself (yet) but I think they are an awesome option for seniors!

No good deed goes unpunished. Dad is locked down in the house. I took the car away as he can't even walk across the house unaided and due to Covid. I was fixing his PC on Monday and asked him to back up and he fell backward onto his large footstool (the size of a small couch), so I can't let him drive. So I am out shopping for food and house items. I get him so chips and cookies (shouldn't) and I stop and get him KFC he likes, a chicken sandwich fires, and a drink. I bring it home and tell him it's in the kitchen (not like I get thanks). So later in the evening, he is in the bathroom for a considerable time and I hear the toilet flush a few times and he plunges it. Later he comes out doesn't say a word. I go in turn the fan on (is that so hard to do?) and see the remnants on the toilet and on the lid.... I commence deconning yet again. Takes a half hour to get the toilet unplugged and running again. Last week while at the barber I get him is a sandwich and the same thing happened later. So the culprit is all the grease from KFC (I can't eat it as I worked there when I was a kid). Guess I have to blame myself. One would think that if you have a major job you do a courtesy flush (learned that in school) then do the paper. Not sure how much paper he uses but seems to be a ton, no wonder we go through so much and we use the thinner paper to help the septic. I won't be getting him KFC again. It is hard trying to make dinner and plunge a toilet in the next room (that is bad enough), which curbs the appetite. It's a regular thing with him, he makes a mess in his pants (then does his laundry). Last week he lost his wallet in the house... turned out it was in his dirty laundry when he dumped his messed pants in it.

Duck, I'm so sorry for all the stress your mom's dementia is putting you through.

Do you keep a journal of mom's destructive and dangerous behaviors?

She clearly needs 24/7 supervision, either in a facility or from a home aide. Neither you nor your sister is obligated to provide this level of care.

Keep the focus on what mom's needs are when speaking to the guardian.

Well where is everyone? I hope you are all well and in good spirit and health.

I am still recuperating from the key issue and the struggle with my mother.

I came down this morning and she had taken most of the meat out of freezer. seasoned pork chops a package of turkey wings, and chicken breast as well as what was left of her meals on wheels.

I started crying out of frustration. Then I started beating myself up for going to that point. I dont even know what I am feeling during these moments its a combination of frustration, anger, saddness . I am off kilter when my mother is not right especially when I cant get her to settle down and eat and stop the destructive behavior. I have to keep working on this crazy anger and resentment feeling my sister is part of the equation. And then I am angry that she is not and has set things up where the help and intervention is now in the hands of an outside authority and actual movement in wrapped up in systematic circles and delays not to mention the virus and my own newness to the process and the reality that my family which was my anchor in life has gotten to this point.

I am not alright. I feel lonely, lost and afraid. Yes I trust in God and it so hard to not have these moments. I know the ability to care for my mother is slipping especially when she has these moments of stubborness, She is only making herself busy, frustrated in those walls when she has always been so busy in the church, school and community.

It blew my mind today when she opened the washing machine and pulled out a plate cover with some rancid bacon and then started scooping the sides of it with her hands.

The guardian is supposed to come tomarrow with the repair person to see what needs to be done. Please let them be on time and not have me hostage in time waitng for one or the other.

Anyways I dont know how I feel. I am confused with my feelings. There is just so much coming at me. My nerves are already raw from the banana and mouse situation. Thank goodness there has not been a sign for about four days. I have the poison waiting for the new comers.

What is good and a blessing is that I encounter people with smiles and gifts of laughter.

Well I will be off a few days, its very difficult to type on my phone and I dont use the laptop I find it awkward so I hope everyone have a pleasant weak and weekend drama free and full of love and peace.

Rays of love to us all.

Gershun, lol it certainly was one of those days.

Golden, I hope you are feeling better and taking it easy from now on.

That day of key issue, I felt like I was unraveling. To top it off when Im leaving work and checking keys one of the spares was missing. I sat down and searched my bags, I had the set to get in so I was good. Whew!

I got home the other set was in the shed door, I was so relieved that I didnt even think my mother could have gotten the keys and got of the house. All I realized was that I have to slow down, do one thing at a time. I didnt even go on search for my keys in my room. I fixed breafast and dinner then waited for the meals on wheels guy to come. I went up stairs had a few cocktails and played my games and checked the lottery. A few hours later as I get in bed I felt the keys! what a relief!!! The keys were embedded in the foamegg crate like mattress so I couldnt see it after I made the bed. The relief was great and the lesson was well taken. Then this craziness at the capital happended and I was like was this a universal craziness. Even though it was planned I felt it resonated with the crazy I was feeling.

Then to top it off, this weekend my mother got physical. Friday she was the energizer bunny and was in my way behind everything I did. I had to keep taking trash and things from her constantly. Sometimes when she is like this I put the food up, give up, order out and take my butt upstairs.

So I am frying fish in the deep fryer. I left for a moment to throw something in trash I had to move from her sight. Just as I entered the kitchen she dropped a plastic bottle of mayonaise in the fryer. I pushed her away and got it out before it could melt. This went on until I finished and went up stairs.

Okay not to mention that when I came home from work the morning before. It was signs of number two on floor in bathroom, bathtub and later I saw something like a dried diarrhea by the bed went I settled down for my counseling session. So I was like this will wait till tomarrow.

So Friday I didnt get to the floors because I was worn out from her while trying trying to cook and do damage control.

Saturday, my mother was in a nasty spirit. She was herself, talking ugly and threatening me to tell "her" everytime I take something from her. I started to give up but I hungry. I was in tear and weeping. it was like reliving the way she had always treated me and those same emotions the same everything. Especially and ususally at a time I was busting my butt cleaning up her mess. So many years of being cinderella the scape goat and dumb dora, even before the real dementia. The flash backs were painful. It was devastating the see that spirit again.

I had some smothered steak going and then I made some instant mashed potatoes. She kept putting plastic spoon in the electric skillet and it was obvious she was hungry so I got her some jello with whip cream, that slowed her down but she was stilll buzzing finally she snatched the bowl of mashed potatoes while i was mixing them. I took it back and she came at me. It wore me out trying not to get hurt or hurt her. She is strong tried to make me fall and all I could thing was my hip is already an issue and that I could really get messed up. So I finnally got her in rocking chair and she just kept coming at me saying Oohh Yeeah! Oooh Yeah, I felt I was dealing with a demon. I was like ohh shiysta. So I ran and put skillet ontop of the fridge, grabbed my coat and keys had to plop her down again got door open and got out of there. I came back my wig which I left in chair was on floor. She had calmed down. I fixed her plate left it with something to drink.

I made it through but I am still hurting. And like past history part of me feels like she knows how she treated me.
All that past came up and hit me hard. This time I didnt call anyone but my aunt But when it was all over I just talked to God.
Good News There were no banana sightings.

Rays of love

gershun - sounds good to not have the usual stress. Thx about my not feeling well. It's the story of life with CFS/FM. Glad to be on the upswing.

Golden we followed the rules and did not have any get together this Christmas. Hubs and I just hunkered down and while it was odd it was stress free. I didn't miss the upheaval that get togethers with my clan usually creates in my psyche.

Sorry you were not feeling well.

mimo - how are you doing?

duck - deep breaths. It's good to have a back up set of keys. Nothing is too small for you to give to God. Joseph Prince is good for me too. The more we focus on God and not the problem the more peace we will have, It's a lesson I need to remind myself of daily.

gershun - how was the family get together this year? On those days I usually get up and sit in my corner of the sofa, and distract myself with laptop games. Come to think of it, I do that most days. 😉

Wondering how everyone got through covid, holidays, and now the new year looking at vaccines rolling out.

I am finally recovering from a nasty flare up I had several weeks ago. The first one in about 18 months, Hopefully it will be at least that long before another one, if ever. It does not do me well to over do things but it sure felt good being so active that day. Taking it slowly now.

Take cae all!!!

Duck when I have days like that I just go back to bed and try again the next day.😉

Where is everyone?

I had a crazy day. I misplaced my keys!!!!! So given the dyfunction and past experience I am considering that I left them in my bedroom door this morning and my sister took them. I have found them in door two times over the last few years. or I misplaced them somewhere in my room. There are so many possiblities in there becuase of my chronic clutter situation. So I had several copies made over the years and I was just in a panic because the first set I tried didnt have the shed key which is where I put most of my cooking and cleaning things. Then after searching I found the extra keys to the shed. So I have all the keys except the key to the gate door didnt work. I never checked them when I had them made. Long story short (smh!) There was a good set right infront of my face I found after I dumped drawers and containers with junk in them. I had pr3eviously made an old pocketbook for all the keys but couldnt find it. This was after one of my quest to find the key to the parlor floor entrance and my mother's room which I could put my hand on at one time.

So I left my room in a way I could possibley tell if someone entered. Actually the truth is I can sense when someone has been in my room. When I first moved in I was not allowed to lock the door but my twis and mother had locks on their doors.

Anyways all of this just sent my pressure up. I felt like I was going crazy not to mention the the shower cap was turned to spray me when I turned the water on. that has been my sisters signature mode of operation. I was ready but it added fuel to my frazzling state.

So I am beating my self up about being aware and more organized. Then I am frustrated because of the reality that I cannot trust anyone I live with... So anyway I found the keys. I will be able to get in in the morning. If I dont find my keys I will just have to change lock on shed and change lock on my door.

All the while I did get so relief by saying those five words. "Lord this is Your Battle". But I was like please help mefind my keys. But leaving things in His Hands is a relief. The money I had in places is very minimal now since the recent repairs. I left a few dollars around just incase. They are so petty and self righteous in their wrong I doubt if they give any thought to their actions.

Thank goodness I had given a key to O and his wife. Just in case. Now I am thrown off by these two sets of keys with no chain or string, plus I had to change my bag because the strap buckle broke. Aye aye Yie!.

On top of that I had to train two nurses today because one nurse is going to visit her homeland. I thought I was going to be very late. I got up early, changed my bed packed laundry, called myself getting a headstart on the week chores and getting out a little early, and I think I place the keys somewhere without paying attention. So now I got it. I am getting old I have to stop that multi tasking and just do and focus on one thing at a time.

So I am cool now. I dont think I have every been in such a state for so long as the incident today. I felt like crying but I didnt. My mind was racing at options.,

I hope everyone is faring much better.

Rays of love, healing and wisdom to us all. ((Hugs)) good nite.

Hi everyone, Happy New Year Again! Nice quiet and I felt pretty good.

Golden, well said. You always keep things so real and too the point. And it always amazed me how you keep up with everyone.

Mimo, Golden's advice is on point, its not working, go back to your husband.

Mimo one of my first learning moments was to learn about narcissism. My mother is one and my sister was her minion and is worse. During my first months on board here, I was lead to investigate narcissism and given certain websites and other info. I wish I could remember and pass some things on to you. There were some leads that spoke my relationship with my mother and sister to the "T" and bought tears.

Its a lot of damage entailed, a lot of unlearning especially when being a victim to their manipulation probably started very early. Sometimes it scares me that I didnt see the truth. And guilt is their major weapon.

Your siblings are there, they can do for her, why did you have to leave your husband and they were right there.

Beat that Guilt down and go back to your husband. I dont know your situation and I am now standing in the inability finnacially and spiritually to leave my mother in the situation we are in. I dont trust my sister. Even if the state is now involved I dont feel she will be safe or well cared for.

Sounds as if you have one or more siblings sitting back letting you do the work while they count on the guilt and conditioning to keep you there.

Now, as I slowly stand my ground and dont allow my self to be baited there is a constant retalliation in one way or another even if nothing has been done I anticipate it.

I hadnt watched Joseph Prince in a while. He is a Pastor and great teacher. So I saw a notification that said something about a battle. He gave a lot of examples and 5 words for battle. "Lord the battle is Yours." Once I could internalize the concept I find my self at ease. I think the concept will help you when you return home to your husband.

Its so sad how we are manipulated by our loved ones and the rage and ugliness we face when we refuse to allow them that manipulation.

Wishing you all Ray of love, peace and wisdom, good night.

(((((hugs)))) mimo. Your mother sounds narcissistic and people like her can't be pleased. It sounds like you are in an impossible situation and one that is not good for you or your children. How did she manage before you came? You could tell your mother and siblings that this is not working for you and return home to be with your husband. Your sibs will probably be perfectly happy if you stay there and do all the work and get all the flack. That is not fair to you or your family. You could consult your local Agency for Aging to see what help is available for your mother and hel set that up before you leave. I honestly don't see how you can continue as you are without burning out very quickly. Let us know howyou are doing.

duck so glad you had a good Christmas

Happy New Year to everyone! May 2021 bring us all some blessings.

(((HUGS))) and Love to everyone in this coming year.


Rays of Love, and light to us all

Mimo, so sorry to hear about the situation with your mom. Just know that you are not alone. And know that Narcissists are beautiful liars and performers. Its so very painful and the the guilt is the secret weapon.

Keep posting, and venting. Most of the forum is either going through or been through something similar or worse.

There is awesome wisdom and truth to be found here.

Hang in there.

Hi Everyone,
I had a lovely quiet Christmas with my "brother" his wife and Mama C. It felt good to be around unconditional love and acceptance. MC is 85 and very sports minded.
She used to participate in swimming competitions and races. Shares a plethora
of personal experience and history. The food was great the spirit was great and it felt so good to be in the midst of positive energy.

LOL, Golden and Beatty.
Unfortunately a live banana rat appeared this weekend plus the small species. I made a batch of poison on Wednesday morning there were no signs of anything and Thursday after I shut down the kitchen, went in to get something saw him on old washing machine, screamed so hard my stomach hurt, he scuttled out and I refilled containers of ammonia so I decided to lounge a little longer with my mother and saw his tail as he dove into the stove burner opening. The poison I placed around was gone. Haven't seen him since. Handyman W wants to lay the wood traps and get pull out cabinets to find entrances. I am leaning towards just getting a professional exterminator. Heard of tracking powder. Thank goodness the doors to living room where my mother sleeps are flush to floor.

Otherwise all is well and I am thankful.

Now to get through the New Year. I stay in prayer over my family situation. I am hoping that I can see my son and his family next year.

I hope you all had a wonderful pleasant holiday!

I am very overwhelmed by my mom. She refuses to get up and move around. She has kidney disease, diabetes, and thyroid problems, among other things. She always lashes out at me if I ask her to go out for a walk or a drive. I've moved myself and children from the Mi to CA to help her, and eventually my husband was going to move to join us. Now she doesn't want my husband and is just making my life very difficult. She is unable to do anything for herself anymore, and refuses to believe she needs help. I do the shopping, cleaning, cooking, picking up of her medicine. I'm overwhelmed.I am nothing but honest with her, and want to make her as comfortable as possible, but it has become extremely difficult doing it all and and rising 3 children with her constant negatity and wanting to make my life difficult. I need help and advice. I have not complained or told her siblings or my brother how she's treating me, or should I say no one has asked. She puts on an act and tells everyone that she does everything on her own, and bad mouths me to everyone. I over heard her on the phone multiple times. I need advice and guidance.

Just checking in to say Hi" and hope everyone is doing as well as possible and no banana rats! 🍌 🐀

"Muh" to you too, Duck!!

LOL Beatty! The banana rat!
Awesome!!!!!!!!

Barb, Merry Christmas to you also! "MUH"

I hope everyone gets a good holiday smile or laugh with lots of love. ((((HUGS))))

Merry Christmas!!! "Muhh''

The banana-rat! 🤣🤣🤣

What a great story, Duck! Belly laughs are good for you!

Merry Christmas.

Sharyn, so sorry to about you and your sisters relationship. It seems to be a theme in this forum. A very painful one.

As I have mention sometimes I am inspired and motivated in my growth through reading and seeing how others have dealt or deal with a situation. Mostly it feels good to know I am not alone in my issues.

I had similar issue with my sister. She never ever used to call me for my birthday or her sons. Silly me would remember everyone's birthday and do something special.

She never called unless she needed something from me and when I called she never had time. Many times my mother would say she couldnt talk to me because my sister was on the line.

The one and only time she called to wish me a happy birthday I had to look at the phone. It was in 2007 when she moved back into my mothers house after abandoning her 2 sons on her and hardly visiting. The next week I visited my mother and all this "stuff" was in the house and hall. I asked her what and where all this came for was she buying this stuff. She never said my sister moved in. I just figured it out.

My friend, T's mother died. She was in nursing home with deteriorating bedsores and then they learned she had a form of leukemia. He really did his best to get the best for her. He also teases me about how I tell a story with every detail about the details and had me cracking up.

Now the good thing is a had a long wonderful laugh on Friday. And didn't even cough! Thursday night I cooked fed my mother and as I was wiping down things I decided to put this old pot under sink, it had a bout a 1/2 inch of ammonia and soap and I put it under the sink for the rats. I had read that the smell of ammonia actually kills them. So Friday I had a big itinerary, laundry, post office groceries maybe cook. So anyways my post office didnt have the weighing scales and I had to walk to another one further away and we had just had a nice amount of snow on Wednesday. I had a big box for Cali and a large envelope with cards for Shams children and grandson.. Okay okay so I go home before I do this trek to another post office to eat and rest. So I see a rat in the pot under the sink. I took pictures but I was too terrified to pull it out to see better. I had a flashlight and shined it to get a good picture noting it was black and slick. So I called W the handyman. I says W I dont want to see it, do you need me to be here and he says no so I am lurking anyways. When he gets the pot out he say this aint no rat. "What is it!!" I look and it was a blackened banana the my mother had thrown in the pot it was partially eaten. I thought the stem was a leg. I dont think I ever laugh so hard and clean from the gut. I still laugh in odd places when I think of it. W is from Barbados so with his cute accent he says "mom set you up" Which caused another fit. Its was so funny because he sees my mother in action When he is working. She moves slowly investigating every nook and cranny.

Then to top it off she was able to loosen the hook lock on upstairs door and bought down some Christmas lights this was after she stood in the window for a long time looking at the snow.

Got all my Christmas presents out except for my client and I will pick that up tomorrow on my way in.

Big Hugs and Merry Christmas! again! Muhh!!

Merry Christmas to you too, duck. Hope you have some peace and good will during the holiday season. I am sure we all look ahead and wonder what's coming for us, especially when we have been or are caring for someone older than ourselves. It isn't a pretty picture for most of us.

((((((sharyn))))) I am so sorry about your continued unhealthy FOO dynamics. I totally understand that you are done. There comes a point when we have to value and take care of ourselves even though others who are close don't. Good for you. Hope you can enjoy your grands and dd and ds. The last I remember was ds was going through a divorce. Hope things have settled down now. I cut contact with my sis a while ago and feel safer than I ever had. No more nasty comments coming from her. It's a relief.

glad I have wondered what ts2 was up to. I found with my sis something good was usually followed by something not good. I'm done with it. I doubt you have detachment disorder but you have learned to detach from unhealthy situations. That's a good thing. Being an introvert means needing time alone. Nothing wrong with that and it makes covid times easier for us.

Roasting veggies again - an easy way to have healthy food on hand. I am just recovering from a bad fibro flare-up. Haven't had one in a long time and hope not to have another any time soon. The onset of minus 20 C - that's minus 2 F has caused it before. The kitties don't like going out much in this weather. The friendly volunteer shoveler has been here a few times. As soon as he gets it cleared it snows again. He has a lovely dog he brings with him, who would come in and visit if I encouraged him, but I don't.

Good news about my dgd - despite the BPD diagnosis she is achieving at the honours level in Gd 12 English and close to it and working to achieve it in Gd 12 Math. She has good counselling right now and meds that are working well. Long may it last. Younger dgs is plugging away and older gds is still working despite covid and fostering a cat who he loves dearly.

No much Christians prep here except in my heart. It will probably be roasted veggies for Christmas dinner lol. 🍠🍅🍆🥔🥕

Sharyn it is good to see you but I am sorry to hear you continue to have family issues with your sibs. Ts2 has reached out to me sent me a bday card and gift cards. I can't help but wonder what caused that. It was a shocker. Wasn't at all sure what to think.

When we go through what we have with family, especially, it is very hard to trust. I think I have detachment disorder as a result of those caregiving years. Years ago I used to joke about taking my red wagon stacked with cinder blocks to protect myself. Then it was literal after being hit by cars, twice. Now, it is psychological. There are good parts to it too, though. Love my alone time.

Take care, Sharyn.

Hello everyone, I have some issues to share. It is painful to me because I believe I have gone more than the extra mile for my family. Below is my issues:

im the youngest of 4 children, I was separated out from the older 3 to accommodate my mother’s emotional needs.

as a result, my 3 older siblings do not see me as a person of value. They have a relationship that I am in. I have tried but was not accepted.

I sent my sister an email on Tuesday, which was my birthday , I wanted to thank her for the birthday card she sent. She told me she can’t talk now and that we will talk on Wednesday, she will call me when she gets of work in the afternoon. She never called. I refuse to call her because our relationship has been up to me to keep going.

today, December 17 is my sisters birthday, I sent her a card but refuse to call her.

she isn’t going to call me and I refuse to call her. The phone works both ways and that includes my brother who had double lung transplants.

im tired of putting myself out there for my family. I’m just the kid sister who knows nothing.

thank you mom for separating me out from my siblings who now have no desire to have me in their lives.

I am just done with family.