The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Beatty & NHWM: Your suggestions are so funny and yet practical - really made me smile about a frustrating situation. I am tucking them away in the "Try this next time" category!

As it happened, I got to mother's apartment yesterday at the exact same time as her morning care aide. This was a lady that had been on leave and it was her first time back - turns out that this aide is a favourite of mother's. So I was largely ignored while mother's full attention was on the care aide. Result! Certainly worked for me. I was in and out in record time with a minimum of interaction.

At my last job, on the hard days, I would tell myself "I am just here to earn money for myself and my family." It was a way of creating distance and lessen the emotional load. I am trying to put that into practice now with my mother: "I am just here to assist an elderly woman." Some days I can do it.

I truly hope that my son never has to do the same mental gymnastics to endure his relationship to/with me. I struggle with those thoughts but I am reassured by those that know me that my personality is so different than my mother's that it seems unlikely. Still.

TDub, I was just picturing the rant - then you pull out your ear buds... Sorry, were you talking?

My DH used to sit still for a short time while a flat-mate was ranting on & then vaguely just get up & leave the room. Sometimes he would mutter 'Oh!" with a glance at his watch as he disappeared. Or "is that the phone? the door? a strange noise?"

My son is so much more direct: I stopped listening to you because I was bored 😂.

Don't suppose any of those
would work??

Dub,

I think I would like your grandfather a lot. He sounds a lot like mine was. I adored my grandpa. I smiled as I thought of him while reading you post about your grandfather.

Oh yes, some moms have a way of expressing extreme ways to get noticed, such as standing in front of you.

Next time your mom stands in front of you, stand up and say, “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.” Then go, and lock the bathroom door! I have done that before.

So my mother's doctor hasn't yet called me - now I don't know if this was something that was actually supposed to happen, or something that mother got twisted in her mind. Will call the doctor myself on Monday to get straightened out.

Have to see mother today. She has had two days of sunshine so may be in a better mood to help me understand what the exact conversation was with her doctor.

If she starts in with yet another rant about her care aides, I am going to shut the conversation down. (At least that is what I think I will do, sitting here at home on the couch.) Usually I just ignore her while she is spewing. Lately she has started to stand in front of me to make sure I am paying attention.

Her black clouds of indignation and self-righteous entitlement are both shocking and embarrassing. However, her behaviour over my lifetime has not been much different so I am realizing now that this is something very basic in her personality. Such a waste to have spent so much of her life being angry, dismissive, vindictive...the list goes on.

I am not pouring any more energy into trying to placate her. To borrow one of my grandfather's expressions, she can just stew in her own juices.

Zoey - A very warm welcoming hug for you. I am relatively new here as well and can only echo what the others have said: pour your heart out, or share little bits, or just read; drop in every day, drop in sometimes...it's all good. Sometimes I post a real rant, sometimes I just share something that is very much of little consequence at all. My experience in this forum has been one of total support. It just feels sooo good to be in the company of others than truly understand.

Hi Zoey. I am sure you have a story to tell and that there are other stories here somewhat like it so jump in whenever you feel like it. I think we all can look back and say we should have changed how we were dealing with our dysfunctional family years ago. I know I can. Start anywhere and let it pour out. Only other from dysfun fams can really understand what you have been and are going through. Big ((((((hugs))))).

nhwm - on some thread I saw you asked about the cold here. I don't remember which thread. Snow usually comes to stay by the end of October which means we are in sub freezing mode most of the time until next March or so. We can have a few days above freezing in the cold months. We do get a lot of sunshine which helps. The houses are built to stay warm but the heating bills are high and we dress warmly when we go out. The last year or so I don't go out mush - pick up the post, lab or dr visit, mail something I can't scan and email, run the car to keep the battery charged. The rest of the time I stay in and make the best of that and it works OK.

The snow shovellers and snow plowers are out. The city did my driveway for which I am so thankful. My neighbour hauled my recycle bin back to the house yesterday after collection which was very nice of her. They are about 10 years younger than me. Groceries are being delivered in about 10 minutes, I have to go out for a few things but not much. My car is safely in the garage and the kitties safely indoors. They are antsy about going out in the cold.

Take care all ((((((hugs))))

TDub,

So nice that you have a son to mull things over with. He sounds very compassionate towards your family situation.

As long as your doctor is able to keep things professional for all of you there shouldn’t be an issue.

My cousin had to switch doctors when her doctor revealed health information with her father in law! They shared the same doctor.

Zoey,

Welcome! Start anywhere you please. Sometimes it’s hard to know where to begin.

First of all, admitting that you need help is the first step.

Reaching out is the next. So you are a couple of steps ahead of the game.

We are all here for the same reason. We are either caregivers or past caregivers and looking for support or offering support.

We ask questions. We share stories. Everyone has their own experiences.

Care to share your experience? Share or simply read the posts. Your choice. Chime in anytime!

Hi, I'm new here and saw the title of this thread and I decided to sign up.

I need help and don't know where to start. This has been a long time coming and I should have done something about this situation years ago.

just lost long post so trying again

trying - keep us updated on your mum

glad - that was such a nice surprise from ts2. Wish you hadn't had that trouble with her while caregiving My Halloween was very quiet too

tdub - your halloween sounds great. Nice it was warm enough. That's great news about your mum giving up some control.It will make it easier for everyone. The news that she is not safe to live alone is best coming from a professional. Let us know how this new situation goes. So glad you have a supportive son. I have two and they are great!

duck -we understand. I'm glad it was cathartic for you to share. People share all kinds of things here. Sorry your hips is hurting again and that the sabotage continues. They are sooo nasty. Keep looking after yourself and enjoying what you can of your mum.

Here we had a day of above freezing and I expect the cold to settle in now. The kitties and in and out, in and out, so I am up and down, up and down. Gooh knee/thigh exercise. DD has been to visit and things are doing pretty well there. She is figuring some stuff out. I think sil is too. Hopefully between the two of them they will make it work. I'm taking a few days just to stop vibrating lol and get my head back into my stuff here. My taxes were done and they are a mess for some reason. Dd looked at then and told me to get back to the people who did them to get it sorted out. I am thinking of changing to another firm. Some papers have come through re mother's taxes so I can get those further along. I need to get my flu shot and lab tests and a follow up visit at the drs. And I want to sort all my closets, cupboards, and drawers out. It's a good winter project and opportunity to get rid of more stuff. Not that I am going to rush at it but take my time.

Look after you everyone ((((((((hugs))))))

NHWM, I think it is sometimes awkward for our doctor to have the same patients. She has to draw a clear line with patient confidentiality, so it should be a much easier talk today now that my mother has erased that boundary - at least for this conversation.

Had a very long and lovely chat with my extremely supportive son. I needed to talk things over with someone and both my husband and my sister were unavailable -!?-. I have to try very hard not to be annoyed about the latter part of that statement and just focus on the complete blessing that is my relationship with my son.

Duck,

Please don’t be embarrassed. Everyone has had a backed up toilet occasionally. My mom used so much toilet paper that the toilet in her bathroom would clog up at times.

Hope everything goes well for you.

TDub,

I think it’s great that you will be able to speak to your mom’s doctor.

Is it awkward having the same doctor?

Hi everyone. I appreciate the feedback, I cant lie, financially I am not able to make move but if I was able I dont think I could do it.. I am stuck. I also feel that if twisted and N knew I moved out they would change the locks.

The sabatoge is back. Sunday as I sat trash out I hear glass in bag. Its dark out and I use key flashlight and find one of my glass soup bowls and a full bottle of tea rose perfume that my dear auntie Jean gave my mother years ago. She says it was expensive and my mother had some lucidity at the time. Also found cups that my sister had been leaving and not throwing out. The only reason I didnt respond is because I spoke to my aunt and she reminded me that that is the purpose behind these actions is to bait me and upset me. So I prayed on it.

Also the toilet on my mother floor is backed up again.! I got intouch with a handyman know for fabulous lawn work but who does everything. I had the number for a while but had been holding off until I finished with my medical apts. The last one being in the morning, mamogram and breast sonogram. The sonogram is horifically painful for me. Ive been putting it off since the virus, hit us in April.

Anyways as I tried draino, I have been clearing the surface of the sanding water and again my mother comes in and flushes the toilet while it was full. It made me cry, I was in shower.

She needs someone with her all the time. I realized I couldnt do it and hopefully this guy knows his stuff and becomes the handyman. I will also show him toilet upstairs, I am considering putting in a shower on that floor. Its on my floor there was a tub. Now its no lights or running water only toilet which isnt working and I walk two flights down to use or empty my potty.

It kind of humiliating to share these issues but its cathartic.

Much of the feedback is so very true. I have grown a lot but I have a ways to go.
I dont do Halloween its my fathers anniversary. 40 years ago. It didnt hit so hard this year. But I feel it in waves through out the year. The memory makes me think of that posibility with my mother. Makes me hug and kiss her. Things I couldnt do before her dementia. Now its rather nice and I am thankful.

I had a funk last thursday, My hip was aching some kind of bad. I could not bring my self to go downstairs at all. The guilt kept coming but thinking of what faced me won out. I just didnt have it in me. I was releived to see that someone did feed her breakfast and took note I was not there as usual. Maybe thats why the perfume and bowl were thrown out.

I have not touch the bed linens since my nephew threw away the foam matress and linens. Maybe 4 weeks now. I have a quilt I have safely left on bed and I wash it weekly. Otherwise I no touchy!!!!

Wishing all the best for you all.

Rays of love, light and healing to everyone!

New development for me today with regard to my mother's continued refusal to move to A/L: I believe her doctor is now stepping in and pushing (as much as possible) for that to happen quickly.

Apparently today mother told her doctor that she (mother) needed the doctor to speak to me as she (mother) was having trouble following the conversation. Currently mother is seen as competent to make her own decisions so has the right to choose where to live. However, recent medical test results show she is physically declining quickly and there is a huge safety component.

As I understand it, mother has now given her full permission for her doctor to phone me tomorrow to discuss things with me. This should be an interesting, productive conversation. We share the same doctor and think very highly of her. I think it helps that she (doctor!) knows both of us so has a clear handle on the family dynamic.

It is also very significant to me that mother is now ready to give up a small bit of control -- allowing me to speak openly with the doctor is very, very significant. Previously my input has not been welcome. LOL/not LOL

I don't know exactly what I want to come out of the conversation with the doctor tomorrow - possibly just an acknowledgement that the accumulation of bad decisions mother has made recently are an indication that she is not, in fact, totally mentally competent. That would be a huge step towards reality.

I know I'm blathering on. It helps to just have a place to vent without being patted on the head.

Thank you for sharing Tdub. Your post put a grin on my face. Very clever kids re the bit with the fishing nets!

Had a lovely Halloween here (Lower Mainland BC) last night - albeit with very few "customers".

We set up a treats table with individual treat bags and stayed well back, like two candy guards. In actual fact we were thoroughly enjoying the calm, clear evening with that gorgeous full moon, hot bevvies in hand. We had two kids approach with long-handled fish nets, which I thought was genius - they were using them for houses where the owners were handing out the treats. (We weren't - we were seated 8 feet away and the kids all did their own thing in an orderly, distanced fashion.) Funny thing: 10 see-thru treat bags laid out at a time on the table, and each one had to be eyeballed before the choice was made. Even though they were identical. And even though I kept chirping, "They're all the same!". Every single kid handled the task in the same way! Made me laugh. But obviously the kids had listened well to their parents: Not one, not even the littlest ones, touched anything other than the bag they were taking.

It felt good to be doing something kinda normal in this very un-normal year. I miss the routines of everyday life and social interaction, which is weird because I am very much someone who likes to be on her own. But even just the fact that we can't stand close to someone to have a chat, or greet a friend with a hug - those little things have been the hardest.

Well, the doorbell rang about 5:00, my neighbor kid s that often help with my weeding. They are so cute, a boy about 8 and twin girls about 5. Then the bell rang a second time about 6, didn't answer that one. Then once more about 8, and it is dark outside, porch light off. Did they just not get it? Then they ring a second time. No I didn't answer that either. Very quiet this year after the non-stop parade of last year.

Called ts2 to thank her. Chatted about 30 minutes. Was ok except she has retired, four years younger than me. GRRR, had I not had to fight that caring for mom nonsense after being accused of financial exploitation I could be retired too.

This is full retirement year for me with SS. First check in January. If I wait six more years, payment would increase 800 a month. Take it now, I really do not need it, stash it away, invest, and make up some lost ground hopefully.

Glad,

What a nice surprise for your upcoming birthday! HB in advance!

Trying,

So happy that they didn’t fall far behind. Children are so smart now. They are exposed to so much now. They seem fearless at times, not intimidated by much.

NHWM - The remote teaching is going pretty well. The kids in our program are in the lower cognitive range so they have individualized programs. I am a para, sort of like a teachers aide. The teacher creates the lesson plans and the paras teach those lessons and support the kids as needed. We are a middle school, age level, program but our students range from first grade to MAYBE 4th grade in their academic abilities. When we went remote last Spring we were worried our kids would regress, they did a little but not anything significant. They love working online and since we meet in groups they still are interacting socially. I think it's the parents who are being hit the hardest. I can't imaging how they are coping with working and having kids at home.

Glad and Golden - Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. Golden you are setting such a healthy example of keeping boundaries with love. Your family is fortunate for the wisdom you model. Glad. Happy to hear you are forgoing the trick or treat scene this year. Hoards of kids descending on the neighborhood cannot be safe right now (bless their little hearts :)

Nice surprise this morning,. Sitting with a nice latte, favorite coffee spot. When I arrived owner tells me he has a present for me, bday this next week. A $50.00 gift card from xXxX. I asked xXxX who? Had no clue. You would never guess...... TS2! Tears still in my eyes. Haven't talked to her in almost three years!

Golden, daughters can be very hard. It will always be hard with my oldest I really don't like her very much sometimes. I am proud of her and her accomplishments, but she reminds people of them often.

Trying hope your mom stays comfortable. Thinking of you and yours. Take care of you. Making the decision to stay home will be good for you.

Tomorrow night I will be the dark house, party pooper. I don't want all those children at my door. OMG, last year was unbelievable. I probably had more tricksters that night than the last 20 years together. It was non-stop for a couple of hours. Kids from town come up here, more generous candy, I guess, homes closer together than in many areas.

sharyn - thx for the understanding. More on that situation below. I totally understand about your work. Once you feel unsafe something has to change. Refusing to wear a mask is very selfish IMO. The grands must keep you busy. Bad news about the schools. Here we are doing OK so far. No outbreaks but that could change by next week. Love your news about your kitties. Great names. Mine are settling down now - well past the kitty stage but still fun. Good decision re your sister, Hold your boundaries. You are doing the right thing!!!

barb - the mother daughter thing is something my dd and I are working out but in the other direction - she has t stop seeing me as her only soft place to fall and I have to hold back from offering too much help of any sort. Then we canbe mother and daughter again. We are working that out,

glad - living alone is the easiest. I am that again and it is great. Our federal public health person has just called on Canadians to reduce their social contacts by 25% because cases are rising. I don't think dd reads those reports. There are guidelines for going out for Halloween but "he'll ( grandson) be fine" , doing it her way which is less restrictive, Handwashing is non existent other than as done before covi and so on. As I understand it these are not safe practices. Anyway, not my problem any more.thankfully. I get my groceries delivered.

trying (((((((hugs))))))) remote teaching is better and I am glad you have drawn a line for yourself there.
Talked with my dd today and she sounds good. She is looking at her other options if needed. I think it not only was the right decision for my safety but also for her to take charge of herself and her problems. It is sad but better that your mum went on hospice, Yes she has suffered enough. More ((((hugs))))). This is a difficult time for you all. Let us know how things go.

nhwm - working remotely is hard, My dgs was falling behind so he went back to school. Thankfully dgd is doing well in school and is on the likely to graduate list. I hope their schools don't get an outbreak and have to close.

Here we have a bunch of snow but are supposed to have above normal temps next week which would melt it. That would be nice.

Had a long talk with dd this afternoon They will come and get the rest of their stuff soon.. She is much better than when she came here in September and is looking after herself better so I feel the time here accomplished some thing good for her. though it was hard on me and had to end. I suggested that if she felt she needed a separation from her hub that he leave next time. It would be less of an upheaval for everyone. He has at least one bro and one sis in town and two adult children. Some one other than and younger than me can take the extra load. Oldest son who is not judgmental has been a great listening ear, supporter and advisor through this. I am grateful. It is time for a switch for dd and I that I am not her soft place to fall, but we are just mother and daughter. We had some great laughs and fun together, she did some healing, but also too many other times that didn't work for me. If she gets as bad again as she was in September I will advise her to check into the hospital. I think we have made progress in our relationship.

And so ends another famdram. I am happy to have my peaceful house and life again.

Wishing you all a safe and enjoyable weekend. ((((((((hugs))))))

Tryingmybest, stay safe! How are the students coping with this? I’ve heard of so many students falling behind.

It’s hard working remotely and on campus these days. Students and teachers are feeling the stress of it all.

Hi all. Covid hit our school and spread from 1 - 4 positive tests in just a few days. There are lots more tests pending so the number will likely jump a lot higher. Thank God they finally decided we are going to teach remotely. I will work as long as we are remote but I have decided not to go back in person unless they have a proper vaccine or reliable treatment.

Sharyn - I think your perspective makes sense, if family does not want to reach out, so be it. Stay safe and enjoy those Kitties!!

Glad- Happy to hear you are keeping safe!

Duck - I agree with Glad, I think you would be so much happier in your own place, if you can do it. Good to hear you are having some nice moments with your Mom. I hear you on feeling sad when you watch her. The same happens to me with my Mom.

Golden - You are so right, as much as we want to we can't carry the load for our adult kids. I can imagine how hard that decision was but it was the right one to keep you safe. Hope your cold clears up soon.

Mom finally went on hospice today. Apparently she is pretty close to the end. This afternoon she was vomiting. They have her arms, legs and feet wrapped because her skin tears at the slightest thing. She is hardly eating. When she has strength all she does is cry out for help over and over. The rest of the time she sleeps. For however long she has left, I hope the focus will now be on her comfort. God knows she has suffered enough.

Good to see you Sharyn. Kitties? How fun!

Golden and Sharyn, different perspectives on masks and socializing, for sure! I am in a rogue county, state wide governor order for masks. Initially, probably 30% wore them, now maybe up to 60%. At work, people coming in probably 70%. It will be a crazy place on Tuesday, election day.

I am not too terribly concerned about me. I live alone and my only socialization is coffee on Saturday. Get in and out of grocery store quickly. It is a mission to accomplish, then back home.

Sharyn, glad you are holding the boundaries and refusing to be made into the "bad guy".

Duck, keep on keeping on and figure out how to get your own place, even if it means roommates.

Ultimately, being able to visit you mom as her daughter is the solution to this dysfunction


((((Hugs))))))

Golden, I can completely understand your situation with COVID-19 and having family members living with you who have a different perspective. You have to do what is best for you. This is also why I retired because my deli manager does not support mask wearing outside of work. she is very social.

Duck, I’m hoping your situation will get better regarding your mother. It is certainly difficult for you and you keep doing what’s best for your mother.

we have our grandsons 3 days a week after school. We are always in contact with our daughter. It is hard here because many people refuse to wear a mask and since school started, we have a big spike in cases ranging from 800-1,000 a day. One school in our small town closed because 3 teachers are out with COVID-19 and another has been exposed and in quarantine. We have a teacher shortage here in Idaho because of low pay, so there are very few substitutes.

I adopted 2 kittens 3 weeks ago. They are so much fun. We laugh just watching them. They are brothers, black and white. One has a pink nose (a tuxedo color and the other has a black nose). I named them Hokus and Pokus. The dogs enjoy watching them play, wrestle and chase each other.

I have decided that I will not call my sister until close to Christmas. My reason is because she makes no effort to contact me. We talked about this, I have apologized for the miscommunication when I told her I could not be a caregiver for her. She clearly holds grudges. I told my husband I’m tired of being treated like a no good person by my family. They make no effort to keep in touch with me. I just don’t understand. I’m tired of putting out the effort. If anyone has a better perspective on the situation, please share it.

I hope everyone is well and enjoying autumn. Enjoy each day as best you can with the situation you are living.

tdub - I totally hear you regarding not wanting to have your mother in your life a lifetime wish for me finally granted less than 2 years ago. It's wonderful you have a close bond with your son. People like your mother and mine and that of many others here just can't do it. They are not wired that way. Re covid safety -yes I am probably stricter than many but it is what I feel I must do. More on that later. High five!!!

trying ((((((hugs)))))). Wish your sis could see what was sensible re your mother. Hospice sounds right for her. I understand your hub and son's concern about your job. Tough decision. The visits with mom must be hard. Things can be very difficult as we get near the end of life.

ali - good to hear from you and that you are working again. Hope you get your medical insurance worked out. It's important to have coverage.

Hi duck. I'm glad you are in a good space in your spirit and a little better in your health. Your are making progress getting others involved with your mother's care.

Re covid safety, I have made the difficult decision to tell my dd that I have done all I can and I can't have them here any more. I don't feel safe in my own house. She has a different concept of what it takes to be safe and it is less restrictive than me. We have figured out guidelines that work for both of us but they are not being adhered to. I am sorry that it isn't working as the kids are in a much better space than they were since there is less conflict between their parents, but I can't carry that load. It is not my problem. I ask for prayers from any who pray that I convey this to dd without strife between us, and that she find her way through her problems and get the help she needs.

I have a bug with sniffles, sore throat, tossed my supper 10 days ago. I don't think it is covid or if so it is a very mild case. The sore throat is improving with gargling. But it says to me that we are not practicing good enough hygiene/covid safety here as likely either dd or dgd brought it in These are difficult times. I wish it could have worked with dd but it isn't.

Take care all, Stay safe! (((((((hugs))))))