notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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trying ((((((hugs)))))). Wish your sis could see what was sensible re your mother. Hospice sounds right for her. I understand your hub and son's concern about your job. Tough decision. The visits with mom must be hard. Things can be very difficult as we get near the end of life.
ali - good to hear from you and that you are working again. Hope you get your medical insurance worked out. It's important to have coverage.
Hi duck. I'm glad you are in a good space in your spirit and a little better in your health. Your are making progress getting others involved with your mother's care.
Re covid safety, I have made the difficult decision to tell my dd that I have done all I can and I can't have them here any more. I don't feel safe in my own house. She has a different concept of what it takes to be safe and it is less restrictive than me. We have figured out guidelines that work for both of us but they are not being adhered to. I am sorry that it isn't working as the kids are in a much better space than they were since there is less conflict between their parents, but I can't carry that load. It is not my problem. I ask for prayers from any who pray that I convey this to dd without strife between us, and that she find her way through her problems and get the help she needs.
I have a bug with sniffles, sore throat, tossed my supper 10 days ago. I don't think it is covid or if so it is a very mild case. The sore throat is improving with gargling. But it says to me that we are not practicing good enough hygiene/covid safety here as likely either dd or dgd brought it in These are difficult times. I wish it could have worked with dd but it isn't.
Take care all, Stay safe! (((((((hugs))))))
Thank God, I am still in a good place in my spirit and a tad better in health. I had my hip injection last Thursday at least now I can turn in bed without pain. Its so weird noting the way I have adjusted my movements to prevent pain. The doctor put me on pain med melaxicam or mobid. I was on this before and I had to stop taking because my kidney function decreased and I ended up with a cyst in my liver. Anyways I couldnt remeber if it was good for me. doc said it was a mild pain killer and easy on the kidneys. I looked it up and found it had negative interaction with my blood pressure meds and with alcohol as well as organ affects and heart attack and stroke. Dang!!! Its hard to believe it was prescribed with out consideration of my meds. So I am really glad I only took one.
The situation with my mother is the same. Its sad. She seem to be a bit more lucid. Asking appropriate questions. We laugh and interact a lot. Sometimes I get sad looking at her. Seeing all the history, the sabatoge. Especially with the need for an outside agency. No real progress has been made;. I spoke to court evaluator. Had questions about this pool trust and other things.
So I had a little meltdown day before my procedure. APS and Guardian came by I was not aware they were comming which pissed me off because so times I stop off downtown when I get off in morning of day I am off for a few days. Then they disscussed the pool trust and other things and I got depressed.
Anyways, all is well, I am till in a good place.
I hope its good with you all also.
Be safe and Smile!
Yeah, Sis never had Dad put on Hospice either It was so sad that in his last weeks, his comfort was not a priority. Hospice would mean Sis could not keep demanding interventions that MIGHT prolong life, quality of that life does not factor into her thinking. We have profoundly different views. She thinks she is a saving angel, I think what is happening is ghoulish and without compassion.
Fingers crossed you are able to keep your health insurance for as long as you can. My husband and I went for three years w/o health insurance, when we finally got it through the ACA I went for a physical and the doctor found my blood pressure to be dangerously high. The insurance I get now, through the school, is very good but I have to pay 30% which comes to a lot especially on a Paras salary.
For whatever reason, I haven't been asked to "re-de" for my Medicaid coverage. I'll report accurately, of course, but I'm not in a hurry to do it.
I'm sorry about your mom. Who is it that has decided that hospice isn't appropriate yet? Can you try to push for that? I know the thinking is that it's only for very end-of-life care, but Medicare allows for unlimited hospice care as long as the doctors say it's warranted.
(I see it now in your post, "sis has MPOA." That's too bad that sis won't agree to hospice care.)
Hope everything smooths out for you and your mom. It's so tough to watch your loved one decline and feel you can't do anything about it, I really sympathize. (((((hugs)))))
Golden and TDub, glad to hear you are keeping safe.
I am trying as well. I work with special needs kids and keeping the proper distance is very difficult and does not always work. The other day a kid sneezed I actually felt the spray on my hand and arm from out the bottom of his mask. My husband and sons are pressuring me to quit because they feel the risk is not worth it. I do have another, safer job where I can pick up more hours but I would not have health insurance. I'm eligible for Medicare in Dec. and I want to stick it out til then but I hope I am not being foolish. It's a tough decision.
Mom is not doing well at all. She has deteriorated so much since she broke her upper femur. They operated but I don't know what good it did. Her legs are now permanently bent at the knee. They have to tie them together with foam between the knees to prevent sores and she has to wear those air booties. They do all they can but still she has sores on her heels that will not heal. She sleeps much of the time, barely eats and is unable to converse in any meaningful way. Apparently she is also very anemic so she was being sent to the hospital for blood transfusions. Of course going to the hospital causes her to become even more delusional.
I wish with all my heart that she would be put on Hospice and have the focus be on making her as comfortable as possible. Also the facility allows more compassionate visits for residents on hospice, I know that is something Mom would want but sis has MPOA and she is calling all the shots, I have no say.
Right now I can only book one to two visits a week where I sit over 6ft away with a mask on. Even in her more lucid moments Mom can't really hear me. I know the facility has to do this for safety but it's so frustrating. This all feels like some cruel nightmare.
Yes - echoing Golden23 - Happy Thanksgiving to all of us Canucks!
* * * * *
We had our "feastival" yesterday at my mother's apartment, organized by my son and his GF. It was a real treat to just be told to simply show up and not worry about cooking a thing. It was hard to ignore the misery guts that is my mother/his grandmother so I did my best to simply focus on enjoying visiting with my son and his GF, whom I haven't seen in a few months.
Unfortunately, the effort it took to be around my mother for those hours took its toll on me today. So all is not well at the moment with me as I continue to struggle with my deep resentment at having her in my life. There. I've said it.
The trigger seems to have been reflecting on how my son and I have a close, wonderful, nurturing bond. I feel sorry for myself that I don't and never have had that with my mother.
Trying to take deep breaths and just let the sadness flow through and out of me.
Having just typed all those bitter words, the fact remains that I am very, very grateful for the life that I live that is so different from hers.
Dd has gone vegan so I guess I will stretch to turkey burgers for me. Dgs has his own meal routine.
An "aging care" issue has arisen. Dgs was not keeping up with school work so he has decided to go back to school - a good decision for him, but puts me at greater risk re covid. He is an ADHD flaky kid, very well meaning, but forgetful. He lost his mask first day back at school. Fortunately a friend gave him another. Now he has a batch in his school bag. I went into the kitchen that evening and found that mask, face down on my cutting board . (We have separate boards due to my allergies.) Well, this required some discussion of options which included him going back to his dad's place if he can't be more careful here. The upshot is that he will wear a mask downstairs while I am down too and he has been good at that so far other than leaving used masks lying around, but not in the kitchen. Also he is expected to be responsible with mask wearing as needed when out of the house. He wants to stay here and knows an infection could be serious for me at my age. We all tend to physically distance anyway. I have bought a new air purifier for the down stairs and may get a couple more for around the house. I gather aerosol transmission is a fact. Thankfully transmission from touching surfaces is considered less of a risk than originally thought, though we still all ought to hand wash lots. I have also ordered some high powered masks for use if anyone in the house gets ill.
I know I am being excessively careful, but from the start I have decided to do it that way. I just don't want this bug. I have enough trials without it.
Apart from that things are doing pretty well other than increased clutter with two more people in the house. I think I will set a declutter day once a week so it doesn't accumulate too much.
Hope all are well. Let us know who you are doing!
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) 🦃 🎃🦃
sharyn ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) I have thought of tiger off and on especially since I got my 2 orange kitties. It's so hard to lose a family pet. Glad the exercises are helping
yoda - sounds like you and family are doing well. Happy to hear your blood sugar is under control.
Here the leaves are falling, having given us about a week or so of some colour. But there is some nice sunshine during the day, I've started doing my inside walking and a little exercise - taking it slowly. Dgs had decided to go back to school, so I need to social distance from him in the house which is not a problem. I may ask him to wear a mask when he comes downstairs.
Take care all (((((((hugs)))))))
Good for you, being strong for your kitty
Sorry for your impending loss of your beloved pet. 🧸️
After the end of this month, we will look for a new place that is better and only needs one extra person to rent the extra bedroom. We are waiting until then because that's when he gets a raise.
Where his is right now has taken 4 people renting the 3 rooms nd the basement to make it affordable. I agree with him that at 28, he's lived long enough like a college student and a grad student to save money. Now, he can use the money he saved toward the down payment on an apartment to buy.
My wife and I are doing well on our diet. I'm exercising three times a week, but she is not exercising at all.
My blood sugar is very much under control. I have another A1C coming up in November! The doctor has already lowered my meds. I hope she will lower them again. I've 30 lbs to loose to get down to an ideal weight for me. I believe my weight loss doctor believes that if I tried to loose more weight to get down to where the charts say that I should be, that I would have to loose muscle weight along with fat weight. That is not a good idea.
Sorry about your kitty. I did that years ago with my sweet cat. It’s hard to make that trip to the vet but I couldn’t stand the thought of watching her suffer.
My cat was 16. She was a part of the family. You will miss your cat. Take comfort that you are preventing prolonged suffering.
i hope you are all healthy. I will read back to see what’s going on with all of you.
it has taken almost 3 months to get my SSI straightened out. They did back pay which means I won’t get another check until November.
I am doing some mild exercises to help strengthen my legs, especially my right leg. I have weakened muscles on the right side due to pinched nerves with sciatica. I’m not having as much pain l as I did when still working. It will flare up if I do a lot of bending over or leaning over something cleaning for a prolonged time.
My 18 almost 19 year old kitty, Tiger, was diagnosed with leukemia, cancer, not the feline leukemia virus. I’m making arrangements today to take him to be euthanized. It’s very hard but I don’t want to hold on to him and cause any unnecessary discomfort for me feelings.
Have a great week, enjoy the fall season. I am loving the cooler weather we are having.
DH and I just pampered ourselves with a week's staycation. (Which baffled most of our friends and neighbours - the retired couple are having a staycation during a pandemic? Really? What is wrong with them? They don't do anything anyway! LOL)
The reality is that I felt the need to isolate myself from the world in general and just take care of me, Me, ME. It was wonderful. I made a conscious effort to only think thoughts involving me and my immediate family, excluding my mother. I turned off the news. I didn't check email. I just...cocooned. With books, movies, naps, and lots of good food.
I keep having a recurring thought memo, as if sent from above: Move from "survive" to "thrive". Move from "survive" to "thrive". I know this is tied in with my decision to set firmer boundaries for myself and what I can do for others. So very hard to say NO and not feel guilty. As someone else said in a post here, "No" actually *is* a complete sentence. That resonated strongly with me.
I have to see my mother today but I am starting off feeling good about my boundaries and the mental distance I have created between her life and mine.
Very grateful for all of you and your shared thoughts and emotions.
Wishing everyone a calm, healing week.
Oh, joy! The sewer etc. is fixed and my furnace humidifier too. Dd offered to finish the clean up down there, I am very grateful. Duct and furnace cleaning is booked for later in October, and in a couple of weeks the chimney sweep will be back in town. Feels good to be getting get stuff done. Got a response re redoing mother's disability tax credit which is a relief. Just need to send my part to the last NH mother was in, Dgd came over for a visit while sil was working downstairs yesterday. They wore masks to keep me safe. Nice!
With the extra people in the house I am needing to seclude myself in my bedroom more and that's OK.
Take care all, Keep your boundaries. 😊
bad news is bedridden mom is having major mental issues with textures bedding, clothes, diapers, blankets. Swallowing is getting harder.
oh well day by day is the motto.
personally I’m ok and little worried it’s so peaceful at the new cabin in the woods, which with my silly sense of humor I have named “nudist camp” ( because no bedding, pads, clothing, diapers are allowed) 🤣🙃 only the occasional blanket.
glad - dd was heading for the psychiatric ward in the hospital. She has inherited some of the mental illness genes in the family. It was too hard on her. Neither of us could see any other alternatives. Her goal is to get a job and get out on her own with, at least, her son. She is blossoming now. We already did this last year for 5 months, if you remember. Both dd and dgs are in better shape now. So am I. They do help with chores. I tend to go to bed early and get up early and have "my" time. She goes to bed late and sleeps in. I often take a nap or quiet time in the afternoon. Dgs gets himself up in the am for online school (equipment is in his bedroom). He comes down off and on for a visit or food. He and his mum watch something on Netflicks after I go to bed. All of us are introverts so we hide if we need to and everyone understands. The first week was the hardest as they came sooner than I expected. I had wanted to sort out the kitchen before they came, but dd and I will do that together. We are still socially distancing in the house. She wears a mask when she is close to anyone out of this house. In another week we should be OK and can share hugs. It is working. A holiday would be great but is not workable at present. Worst comes to worst I guess I can go to a hotel here for a few days but then there is Covid to think of.
duck - you are making progress. I know it isn't easy. Keep up the boundaries in your very toxic situation. Your mum is declining and will need more and more help. Big (((((((hugs))))).
and ((((((hugs))))) to all the newbies. Look after yourself.
My lemon timer has still not shown up!!! ☹
I will try and close it down. Basically memories of sabatoge came back. thinking of reaping what we sow and how I honestly felt that she was reaping what she sowed in her two daughters.
I used to go deep on this tangent. Its sad and painful. Not nautral. Where is goodness, how do I keep my sanity all these questions used to mess me up and then I found this forum.
So I dont have it figured out, I am not full of wisdom or good advice, I am struggling with my pain, my aging, my lonliness...... and all I can think is that there are so many on this thread who feel like I do or worse. So I cant make it better for me or you but I do know that a smile and hope puts light in my life and gives me something to try to live for.
So I try to keep up with the posts but I love to read posts of survivors still surviving. Its uplifting and inspiring.
So Golden, it was beautiful to read your post, your vent, change in family situation as you embrace your daughter in her issue knowing that you will adjust and knowing deep down inside what was most important was the love. and I thing that was so beautiful and just knowing that who ever has you in there lives is blessed. Making me think how rare it is to find that type of embrace. Wishing, know I can't change my history and dysfunction in myself and my family and knowing I will always be there for my son in a similar way for as long as I am able.
Nutshell - Its good to see and hear about love.
Goodnight!
Rays of love and light to us all.
You are not alone. It was a relief in a way for me to see that.
The resentment and anger is something that we cant erase. As you mentioned I am not familiar with your trials but I can imagine if they are anywhere near like mine that there is a deep rooted, frustrated sense of pain and for me to see vengence or acknowledgement of the wrong.
This forum is so full of awesome beautiful loving people who inspire and counsel in ways that are unique to one who has been through much worse in so many ways and who have survived.
So Yes I m slogging through and its just crazy, although I find my self in a different level of understanding so somet thing dont hurt as much but there is so much crazy memories and truths that are nice about my mother or my sister and to see this bs legacy grow in my nephew is like a horror show. How do I stop it.
My mother"s dementia is evolving where it seems she is coming to terms of her dementia and limitations for want of better words.
So friday as I was sweeping up the torn up bread and crumbs and mess she had made she took the broom from me and started sweeping, Now I have attempted to get her to sweep years ago to preoccupy her mind and to stop being busy and crazy while I was trying to cook and clean. This was so amazing. she did an awesome job..
So I see where I get my need to fix things and make it right.
Then Saturday as I am getting dressed get out and run chores, I hear water running and there is no access on my floor but the toilet. I was like oh my goodness is she peeing in hall. I go out and she she is trying to unclogg toilet which she clogged up a few weeks ago. Nephew or sister took the plunger out this bathroom and the one downstairs being spiteful. I could not find plunger that grab the right amount of suction, I pull paper and plastic from there regularly and usually the plunger worked just fine for the rest but its clogged bad. df
There is no light and to be honest I had been putting off putting lock on door. I had old telehone cord tied to knob and screw where I tried to put hook lock. It worked until staturday.
So I am freh and clean and ready to go out and she has squeezed into there when I get to door she had a bottle of barbeque sauce from fridge downstairs poured it in toilet and flushed it. I lost it and grabbed her arm shaking her fussing snatching the bottle out of her hands and trying to pull her out of there, only she had squeeed though a tight spot becuase I had the door tied. I had to untie it and I broke down crying because I was ruff with her. In my mind I knew she was only trying to unclog the toilet. I had been pouring draino and had ordered the plungeless draino that was to work good.. I had been meaning to bring the snake up but kept forgeting had I done that I probably would have cleared it. Acutally I went down there and got it so now its in hallway slowly making its way up to my floor.
Mean while my mother would not come downstairs and went in back room. I couldnt get her to come down. I was crying and feeling guilty and I just had to get out of there. I didnt have the energy to get her down. When I came back she was still up there. This was my last day off. I wanted to relax and cock my tail play my casino, do my scratch offs and then have a quite night of tv till I fell asleep and that was not looking good if she was in turbo mode on my floor.
Anyways she came down for ther steak sandwich with onion peppers and garlic and toasted bread.. she sat down and started working on it. I packed my bags for work and all was well.
But in all of this I found a cheese gratter in the stuff she had tied up. It bought memories of how she used to hide the graiter knowing I used it every sunday to make mac and cheese that she ate. Its was like now with my DS and DN.
Never a dull moment at your house! Right?
You’re right about cycles in life! Hopefully things will settle down soon.
Your grandson sounds creative! Hahaha
I don’t have grandchildren. I love hearing stories about other people’s grandchildren.
I don't have much to give but I need to vent.
Aging care for me right now means the aging one is doing the caring.
My 15 year old grandson is in the kitchen making pot stickers for his breakfast with my new non stick frying pan, using words like annotate, and picking up things I need and leaving them in places where I can't find them. My favourite old lemon shaped and coloured kitchen timer has vanished. My dd is sleeping peacefully upstairs in her old room. There are pop cans all over the house, I came down this morning to lights blazing all over the place. It is now "Chez Nous", not "Chez Mois" anymore for an indefinite period of time. DD's home situation has deteriorated again and after she just about lost it a few times (she has fragile emotional health anyway but is well medicated), I reopened my doors. It's what a mother has to do if possible, and it is possible.
This morning I received yet another missive from the tax people that something to do with mother's taxes is not compete so I am following up on that. Just when I and grandson need it, the ink cartridge in the printer has given up the ghost. He is doing schooling at home by distance. The cats are going nuts inside as it had turned colder. One is sitting on the sofa watching water drip from a plant I carelessly overwatered. The front hall area rug is bunched up in the corner as they like to roll and wrestle in it. Good entertainment for cats!
My new close-at-hand doctor (the previous one left town) is new indeed. I think he is fresh out of school and a better talker than listener. I guess I will go back to my old doctor downtown - more inconvenient but a better experience.
And don't even ask about R...
You know, I thought I was retired. I never could have pictured that at 83 I would be where I am, but - here I am and surviving. Thankfully the summer was very quiet. I needed that.
On the good side had blood work done and one number is a little iffy but all else is good Doing follow up on that. My blood pressure is holding steady at 130ish over 75 . I haven't had any fibro pain for over a year My sinuses are better than in a long time. My energy levels are improving and I have less brain fog than before. It goes to show how much stress there was in my life from mother and my sis.
Needing to be thankful every morning or the negative thoughts creep in. Having family stay again is a bit of an adjustment. I'll put dd to work doing my floors. I know she will help with that and other things, and I will get used to the misplaced items and the pop cans. Dgs has matured some, as is only right for a 15 year old boy, and, as he proudly announced to me, is more independent. He also listens well when I ask him to do or not do... and tries to comply. You can't ask for more.
Anyway, what's another spin in life's dryer? It keeps you fresh! Have a safe and good day all. ❤
First of all, DDDuck, I am new here and so don't know everything you have gone through. But it sure seems like a lot and you keep finding ways to slog through the turmoil. On top of that, you always end your post with warm words of support for us all. I think that is a testament to your kind, caring heart.
As for me, I am struggling with resentment and anger toward a mother who ignored me and my needs for most of my life and yet now needs my involvement to run hers. She is in her 90s and lives on her own with the assistance of care aides 4x/day. In recent years the aging process seems to have smoothed a lot of her jagged edges, but these relatively calmer years don't make up for a lifetime of anger and judgement from her.
I find myself getting better at separating my "lost child" memories/self out of my reactions and merely trying to help her as if she was a stranger. That in itself is sad - how I wish I had a mother who had actually cherished the children she had.
People that had kind and caring mothers simply don't understand the emotional distance I had to create just to survive as her child, and this remains as my coping mechanism as an adult.
Now this am when I got in, all the foam from comforter MDN bought was on bed and the coverlet was on kitchen table. She has started working on the glue traps.;
I know sometimes reacting to throwing out my thing is feeding into the purpose.
Its just hard for me to swallow and accept the spirit I see behind it all. I so much want vengeance and exposure of these things. Its turning cold and today I could have worn a nice down metalic short jacket I bought that they threw out. I may have worn it once. The pockets were too shallow so I left it on hook in the hall and it diasappeared the same as my pea coat which I wore a lot. These things come to mind along with other violations which usually happen when something they plan or do is blocked.
Now on another subject, I was walking so good, able to do my sprint walk hardlyt any hip pain. I guess I got to cute for my body because now I cant put too much pressure on my left knee. These breakdowns just move around its so crazy. I guess there is some issure with my joints. They gave me an appointemetn on a day I work so I need to change it. If I keep it it will possibly be a day of no sleep before work.
Anyways, I am wishing and hoping that you are all in good spirit and health.
Rays of Love and Healing to us all.
Goodnight all, sleep tight!