The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

A hearty welcome to newcomers. There are some wonderful folk on board here.

TDub, Love7, I felt the same way when I happended along.

Ali glad you are in a period of peace.

I am sought of there, I dont know if I have finally meshed into my role as my mothers caregiver, accepted and the routine and my limits. I also feel my mother had kind of acceptedd her position.

I really dont know how to handle my nephew throwing things out including my mothers fine dishes that I occassionally use for her meals as she pulls them out as well as cups and 99cent bowls I use. Its hard for me to come to terms or accept these spiteful violations.

He threw away the foam mattress I bought as well as the sheets and bought new ones. So do I wash these and put on ones I have stashed in wall unit ore just dont touch bed let him handle it. Its getting cold so I put an old white spread from the hospital on bed. Then I see today that someone made the bed and had that spread in chair. They, I dont know if it was him, my sister or both but someone took a beautiful heavy velour spread my son sent from Korea , put it on the floor and it smelled like the put it in the cat litter box, Its so sad that there is such spite and sabatoge.

I fight not to spite back and I cant see myself washing throwing away anyting that is for my mothers benefit. He bought a thin comforter which is already falling apart as my mother takes anything and everything apart. All of this first time. Its getting cold. Do I dare to put that velour spread on bed, I am pissed to have to second guess my self in what I use and buy for my mother care or benifit.

So now, is he going to be changing her bed, taking care of the linens. Because I dont like having my things thrown away. I have asked him to replace the foam mattress.

The mice are still around and today on way to work I see he placed glue traps around for the first time in all these years. So he is finally or someone has finally started to care about my mothers environment. The traps will not work becase she picks up and manipulates everything.

So APS and the Guardian Care Manager will be visiting this week. I also have apt for lung scan.

I signed up for a virtual therapy to see what a professional therapist has to say about my situation.

Basically I think I am settling into this role and its not for the weak. This caregiving role is a challenge and a heavy load.

My so is in California now, at first I was scare for him coming from Korea becasue of danger of the gangs and the high social interaction in a beautiful warm place with beautiful beaches. But, now I have been reminded of one of the biggest dangers there and that is the earthquakes.

He and his family have been embraced by my family there and he sent pictures of obituraries my cousing had of just about everyone and wanted family history, it wass an honor to explain who everyone is and I look forward to getting to visit him next year sometime. They move into a rental house next week and have to wait a good while for their furniture from Korea and storage, so they will be busy settleing in around Thanksgiving. I dont know what the situation with me will be because of pending repairs and preparation for homecare for my mother.

Now my nephew stepping up is wonderful, even if he is tossing things I bought. The juvenile mentality is painful and hurtful anyway I look at it. I can almost feel my name in their bran when they toss something they know is mine or means something to me.

Anyway I know I am in a better spirit and more at ease and I am grateful for that. I think I will always tear up easy any time I see love and especially when I look at my mother and think one day she will be gone, even thinking of the sabatoge and ugly from her it just breaks my heart. I massage her and try to make her feel good because I know she is used to being a busy bee, and active and has no companionship and is lonely even if she has the dementia.

Hi everyone. I haven't posted since the last time, when I was thinking about approaching my father at/during cousin's funeral... just to make amends, if that was even needed.

I was feeling some guilt. I was REALLY angry at times during The Caregiving Years, and I acted in ways I wish I wouldn't have.

But I have no reason to think my father, or anyone in my family, is mad at me so I'm dumping the guilt.

I'm getting along with family -- the dominant personalities of mom and older bro -- as well as ever. Bro especially still likes to pick at me, I just let him and make fun of him for being critical of nothing. It's working for now.

Mom has got herself into this codependent situation with my father and his care. They have been divorced since I was 2 years old, that's 43 years ago, so they were barely married... but now my mom at 68 wants to do everything for my father and baby him, then wants to also complain to me and get support.

I pretty much told her that I resented her for not supporting me during the times *I* needed support for same reasons... and she got it... and apologized... and now it's all water under the bridge and to what degree I can support my mother, I'll do that.

I think she's a bit bonkers to be saying she wants to move my dad into her house. She can barely take care of herself but she likes to take on the sad cases in the community, has always been like this. She helps out with a few seniors through her church. I won't stop her... but can't encourage her, either. I'll just support where I can, I guess.

All in all, my dysfunctional family is peaceful these days. The cousin who had my grandmother's guardianship at the very end of her life gave me a few long hugs at his brother's funeral. I chose to interpret that as him saying "sorry about all that mess." And it is over, and there is no changing the past and the bad circumstances of my grandmother's death, so I choose to just... move forward and not to hold any grudges.

Hi, everyone~ It has been quite an eventful 24 hours for me since I found this forum. Instead of feeling alone and spinning with anger and resentment I suddenly feel grounded, like there are invisible threads that connect us all and are making us stronger through the common bond.
Reading through the articles and postings on various topics made me realize two things very quickly: 1) I need to set better boundaries, and 2) I need to be kinder to myself.
Emotional housekeeping is now underway. I feel so calm and empowered this morning.
Sending a virtual hug to each and everyone one of you sisters and brothers that I have never met but who now make me feel like I have a home.

Hi everyone! I am so grateful I found this site by chance. It’s been a crazy four years when I look back on everything it gives me strength to know I can make it through anything. I am 35 years old and I have been caregiving for both my parents the last four years. My father had a heart attack four years ago and then had complications afterwards was hospitalized for over 6 months atfour different hospitals. Once my father was recovering well and even back at work my grandfather then fell and hit his head and I went with my mom to her home town to take care of him for two months. After everything my mother and I went on a mother daughter trip and on the last day my mom woke up and couldn’t feel her legs and couldn’t walk and was Incontinent. The trip back to the US was the most stressful 14 hours of my life.When we returned to the US she was diagnosed with Transverse Myelitis and has been recovering one step at a time. I had to learn how to cath her and wake up 4-five hours and 24 hour care after she left the hospital and inpatient rehab it was difficult finding a caregiver to help me and even then I had to monitor everything. My father then had a stroke at our home and recovered enough to come home but then had complications from blood thinners and was admitted to the hospital again. Despite having help their care was on my shoulders and consumed every hour. My father passed away 8 months ago. Despite being a natural giver and having an aptitude for medical and caregiver role and I love my parents it has been very hard but everyone just keeps saying how amazing I have been doing and they can’t imagine and how they wouldn’t be able to be as strong as me. They have no idea how difficult it has been with especially my mom emotionally and communication wise despite her positive attitude towards her recovery our communication and our dynamic was less than ideal before all of this happened and as I heal create boundaries and come into my power the resistance from her is evident in a lot of controlling ways. I’m positive overall but it can be very lonely when most peers my age aren’t dealing with the same situations or issues. I’m positive I will get to achieve all I want within my career and will be successful despite everything and will be able to date again and create my own family I still have faith. The key is really having the balance of boundaries and self care in a environment and role that can really prevent these essential elements to occur. The most difficult part is my mother Making every conversation about her not listening to me and brushing me off or ignoring what I have to say in simple conversations it hurts but reading in these forums it seems common and that helps to not feel alone. It has been a pleasure taking care of both of them yes I would like to get my life back and I know in time this will happen but the family dynamics can make even the strongest person feel defeated but I know this is part of the process and a lot of positive have come from this experience.

Welcome Tdub.

AgingCare has been a lifesaver for me TDub.I'm glad you found it too~

I am new here and just wanted to thank everyone, through my tears, for being so open and honest about the various kinds of h*** they are going through. Me, too. But my tears right now are from overwhelming relief at finding a group that totally "gets it". It makes a huge difference to my morale (and sanity!) to know that I can safely vent here and not be brushed off with the standard "But she is your mother. Be happy she is still around." that normally get. I will post more later but right now I am just going to read through the thread. I suddenly feel so supported it is unreal. Divine intervention?

Hugs back, Duck!

NeedHelp, Yes! Indeed I watched the twilight zone!

Previously when I logged in I didnt see new posts.

Be good to yourselves, its time for me to make the doughnuts and get home.

(((HUGS)))

I will be off for the next few days and its horrible trying to post on my phone but I have to share this.

Its no coincidence that I ended up in this forum. Its something I needed and every day I am glad I kept posting, no matter how silly or stupid or crazy my issues were because I keep getting help. Even the process is cathartic.

Smile, Be safe.

Rays of love and healing to us all.

Thisis4 your siblings sound a lot like mine did when I was there for my mom and they were pursuing careers, getting their nails done, going to the gym.

All I can share with you is how I handled my situation which basically in a nutshell was not handling it. I made them aware of the situation then waited and waited and waited. I heard crickets, I heard criticism on how I could do better but I never heard my phone ring much with offers to help. I think my younger brother took mom's apartment keys for a week saying he would help. Yes a whole week. Imagine that. He couldn't wait to give them back. When he was with her he gave her medicine incorrectly and probably put her at greater health risk.

So, I think what I am saying to you is maybe don't expect help cause if they were so inclined to help they probably would have by now.

Good Luck!

I know I came across this posting for a reason. Today was not a good day for either my mom or I. Her heart is broken for what her son and youngest daughter did to her and I’m extremely homesick and sleep deprived due to caring for my mom all by myself.

I am currently the sole-careprovider for my 88 (soon to be 89) year young mom and I live 14 hundred miles away. She lives in the southwest, I live in the northeast.

For the past 4 months, I have lived with her to set-up a household (all new housing items) after her only son took all of her belongings while she was recouping at my younger sister’s home due to a severe case of sciatica. Then months later, she was diagnosed with sepsis and eColi due to eating fast foods that my younger sister was providing her...either that is how she got these two infections or it was via the meat from wild boars and deer my brother-in-law kills for sport and food.

My mom has three children all past the age of 55. Three who live in the same state as my mom and all who should care for their mom as she cared for them and even raised some their children because they were either gallivanting, vacationing, or building their careers. Oh yes, they used my mom to cook, wash, take care of kids, go grocery shopping and clean their homes when she younger. But now...they are no where to be found.

Her son a former law enforcement officer who supposedly took an oath of integrity accountability, ethics, and honor, which today you would not believe it because of the way he has deserted our mom. He has a five bedroom, four bath home...he is an empty nester, yet, his mom is living in a sliding scale income housing complex. Great son qualities!

The youngest daughter spent approximately $3k of my mom’s money while she was ill and living with her. And that’s not even noting how she got my mom to sign a credit card application, which she charged, charged and charged leaving my mom with a $7k credit card bill that still has not been paid. Accordingly to my younger sister, those pending charges were not hers but that’s so false as my mom does not make political contributions to any party!

Then you have the oldest daughter who left her oldest daughter with my mom to care for when she was a toddler and young child because she thought going out and partying, getting high and dating bad boys was what she was to do rather than raise her daughter.

Me...I left home, got married, divorced, raised my kids away from where my mom lived and my sibling always Seemed to returned to and then eventually stayed...(younger sister never left the state).

I have been away from them all for at least 35 years. Occasionally, I would visit their home state but once i left, I did not return to live there and raise my children. I called my mom everyday (2xs or 3xs daily) to see how she was and at times, we would even watch a tv show together and give commentaries to each other about it. I was present with my mom but not my siblings.

So, how am I doing?!?!? My days are based on how my mom is doing and if I have to do a chart of how those days pan out from good bad...my chart would look like the charts that show the spikes of how COVID comes and goes...up, low...back up and back down!

I’m angry on how my 3 siblings are personas non grada. How can they not seek to find out about my mom?!?! They all have my telephone number; they all have my email address and contact information of my children. What is wrong with these people??

Talk about dysfunctional...that’s this family. Not wanting to address the issues honestly...their behavior toward by mom (to me) is incomprehensible, unbecoming, disgusting and just plain rude!

I sincerely dislike them three but I can put my emotions aside to deal with this...so any suggestions how to address the three spooks??

Seriously I have better descriptive words for them but this is an open public forum :)

Duck,

I get it. I loved a good scary movie as I got older but seeing ‘House of Ushers’ as a young child it freaked me out. We also went to see all of the Hitchcock movies. They were fantastic but as I said I was little. My older siblings were several years older and those were their favorite movies.

We did go see comedies too such as Pink Panther with Peter Sellers. They were cute as well all of the Disney films.

Movies were cheap then and changed every week so families could go often. Nowadays it cost a fortune for families and the refreshments cost more than the show!

Did you watch Twilight Zone on television? I loved that show and still watch the reruns. 😊

Gershun, as you have said this is what the forum is for. I am not a psychiatrist so I cant speak on a focus on ones own death.

I know I have had dreamt I was dead a few times far and inbetween.

I think that death especially when its a close loved one or friend or in any case will cause us to focus on our own mortality.

One time death was almost an everyday thing, part of the job. It always left an impact on my spirit and led to me focusing on my own death at one point or another.

NeedHelp, I loved the vincent price and horror shows, Thriller, the mummy, I believed my fixation was a need to see the good overcome evil. I am sure it had to do with my station in life as a child. I always felt left out and still feel that way or dont fit in but if you really look at it its just a matter of opinion of another person.

Because of my profession I have been exposed to certain things and it has definitely had a negative affect on my pschye. So, when my son went to Iraq, several times I practically drove myself crazy with applying every possiblity of demise. When I spoke to a priest after he noticed me telling me that he gave me the last rite (something rarely done) that information threw me for a big loop. I was near death, I lived, and why? and now instead of being with My God in Heaven, I am thinking of how much it would and will hurt my son and people who loved me. I was thinking of all the people I lost and how it must of felt for them leaving.

I believe and this is my belief that it is or may be a beautiful thing. I also think we are at a loss to focus on it because Its part of the answer to something greater and bigger than our capacity to understand.

I can see it being easy to focus on death especially after so much pain and hurt and wrongness and struggle and so many times not suiciday I have thought of being in heaven away from these earthly trials and pain.

But right now in this human form, I feel we have to focus on showing and giving love. I know my fault is trying to make everyone one and everything happymx fix it. But its a blessing to be happy to help someone. its also I think and even greater blessing to be able to let go and let things be.

There is nothing I can do to fix my mother or my sister. I can work on what is left of myself and truthfully sometimes I can't find the motivation. I think of my death also. Sometimes all that comes is negative. Then I pray I am now likeing psalm 4 and 6 and I feel hopeul and project that hope and I get it back.

I cant smile if I am thinking sadness so I dont get smiles.

Deep down I feel like my life is just turmoil, Because of my faith and hope I hold on to light and goodness and love. If I focus on that whurl wind inside me I know I will just get tossed and tossed in one way or another and still have to deal with living this life and this vicious cycle so I try to focus on hope to break it and maybe come to some other level where its not so shaky and scary. If its my station in life to be miserable and broken I am going to find some way to find some light, or a smile or a chuckle even if its not going to last.

I think I went off tangent there but I feel the pain that is expressed in the forum. We are all struggling with this thing called life.

Rays of love, light and healing to us all.

Gershun,

I can relate. I don’t talk about this often because it was terrifying to me as a child. My parents took us to many wakes and funerals at a young age. I also had to go to horror movies as a young child because my brothers wanted to see them. Vincent Price horror shows were scary! I was too young to be at those kind of movies.

Anyway, I had a dream that I died and was at my own wake. I was dead in the casket but was totally aware of everything.

In the dream my soul was floating above my body and I was screaming, ‘Don’t cry!’ It made me sad that they were crying. I realized that they couldn’t hear me and they continued to cry at my wake.

I have never forgotten that dream. It’s a pretty intense dream for a little girl. I always wondered if I would be able to view my own funeral. Weird, huh?

I think I want cremation. I don’t want people staring at me when I am dead. I think cemeteries are beautiful, a place to reflect on loved ones but I hate funerals and I think that stems from my childhood.

Yes, posting here is important. I used to confide with my dear mom. It grounded me. I value this site as it's a place to throw out my thoughts and get rid of the junk that has been clogging my brain.

I lay awake at night thinking about death a lot. My death especially. But I've always been preoccupied with this. I think maybe because I lost my Dad at a very young age? Who knows but I imagine all sorts of horrible scenarios where I'm a victim of a homicide or some such thing. The thing is I'm not a hypochondriac. In fact I'm the opposite. I usually downplay any type of ailment I may be suffering from. Anyone else relate?

Anyway this is my purging my thoughts for tonight.

Pamz, its been a good while, and nice to see you back again.

Kattie, so sorry for your loss. Your resilience is encouraging.

Barb, Thanks.

So now my mother is pulling out her good chinaware. I dont know if it was a wedding gift but as a kid I remember she was very watchful about washing and handling her dishes. Quite a few of the crystalware is gone.

So my sister of course cares nothing about this and I know I have to eventually get in there and clear out these cabinets.

She even took the screw out of one of the office chairs I saw her working on it and I was in awe. Now I know where I got my curiosity from. She has pulled up the tiles in the hallway and a few in the kitchen. Its amazing her determination. All the cabinets and wall unit compartments are filled with a lot of junk.I can barely keep up with daily damage and I know I need to get these compartments cleared out. So I will start with washing the chinaware and try packing it and safeguarding it until I figure out what to do with it.

Otherwise all is well. Hip pain comes and goes and intensifies depending on what position the bone spurr is in. I have a few annual appointments via the wtc, mamogram, sonaogram and lungscan. My focus will be on getting these things done and keeping my head in the mist of my turmoil.

Glad, you are so right, part of taking care of myself involves posting here. It has helped in more ways than I can say. I am forever grateful to you "oldtimers" (no offense! please!) and the wonderful people who have been through worse or the same who share their pain and the growth.

Rays of love light and healing to us all.

Ms. Katz, wecome again.

Barbs advice is right on point.

When I first started posting, lots of the advice was good, some I couldnt understand (now I understand) and some of the advice I just could not bring my self to do.

One issue was that I was blocked from getting my mother the services she needs by my sister and because of that and her lack we are awaiting the asignment of a permanent guardian for her care and finances its sad.

So if you are able try to get her help and intervention it get worse.

Mom's behavior will only get worse. Therapists will always tell us that if we were abused as children to never provide care for them.

MsKatz, you cannot stop your Mother yelling (or change her other behaviour).

But you can move out of earshot.

Have you moved in with her, or just nearby?

Please read & re-read Barb's post below. It is a proven method to help you both.

MsKatz, you quite clearly, from your description, have a mentally ill parent.

This is not your fault. Neither is it your problem to solve.

Your mother needs help from social services. Soci services will not help as long as they perceive that YOU are available.

To get her appropriate help, you need to step away.

I’m new to this site; I posted first time last week. How do you get through to a verbally abusive mother and let her know her behavior will not be tolerated? I’ve told her countless time to no availability. As a child I was severely physically and emotionally abused by her and my father (he passed away when I was 11) She claims to have NO memory of such treatment. Former therapist/ social workers have advised me to cut all ties. I can’t do that: However, I do need her to realize I will not accept her screaming at me as if I’m a child, verbal assaults, or public tantrums: I walk away and do not acknowledge her when she’s behaving inappropriately. It takes a mental toll on me and several days to “recover”. How can I handle this issue? Her siblings have all passed away and my immediate family no longer speak to her. She has intense mood swings and can be pleasant: Unfortunately, the slightest thing can set her off and she’ll become enraged, speak of suicide, and scream like a banshee. I’m exhausted.

To protect yourself notify the police that there is a person with dementia living at your address that experiences delusions. Get a letter from her doc to help.

Not good! How do I protect myself from verbal abuse and “temper tantrums “ in public????? Today was the most severe. I’m physically/mentally wiped out from her lashing out on me, accusing me of “stealing “, and her accusations that I “am abusive”. She’s experiencing delusions. I’m afraid either someone will call the police and she will be committed or worse, I will be falsely accused by her. She will use “calling 911 on me” as threats or leverage to get what she wants. It’s overwhelming and It’s a nightmare!
My elderly mother has on set dementia, depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. (possible bi polar, but has NEVER taken her meds) My siblings have given up on her. I’m all she has, but I’m treated as a punching bag. I need to protect my mental health! Any advice? Btw: Love your topic

Oh boy, what a week. We went to the river house, and had FIL and BIL and G's cousin down for the day. First time cousin has been anywhere since COVID began.. It really went better than I expected,, we told all the older neighbors that FIL was coming ( he is 97) and a lot stopped by to see him, he was thrilled and had a great time. and G and his brother got along great ( I am worried that once FiL passes they will have no contact due to SIL.. who my hubs told his brother she was NOT invited) Now my MOTHER.. LOL She is slipping.. you have heard my stories about her "overdrinking" her 2 glasses of wine that the Drs "allow".. great, they don't have to put her silly butt to bed on occasion.. but since they say its OK we are a bit hand tied. Its like having another toddler.. she started out by telling everyone she gets "naughty" when she drinks.. oh yeah.. out on the deck for dinner,, asking loud personal questions of people ( MY BIL did not want everyone to know he wears hearing aides or how much they cost).. It's like the more attention FIL got the more she acted up. So I called her out on it the next morning.. she has been pouting ever since.. LOL And then this morning she could not figure out how to work the toaster.. and she is being stubborn on the eating. I told hubs just to "let it go",, she is now eating because for 2 days I just said OK when she said she was not hungry.. no attention lead to her finally deciding she was hungry! I really can not decide if the eating and toaster issue are for attention ( her sister and Dr think it probably is), or if she is declining that fast,, but I guess we'll see.. Sorry for the long rant,, but I am really glad to be going back to work tomorrow!

Good to see you posting, Katie. Be good to yourself, part of that is being and posting here, many of us have been where you are.

Wow, I have been off of here for awhile and am glad to "see" some old familiar names! Have been going through a lot of depression issues with losing my mom, and now MIL passed on this past Spring. Hope everyone is hanging in there still. Happy Birthday Duck!

With age comes wisdom, Duck. Glad to see you are able to let some stuff go. Be well.

Greetings All!

Thanks for the Birthday wishes.

I have to honestly say I cant believe I am 60. Hard to explain but it feels good. I dont feel old just glad to be here. I guess if and when I hit the 70's I might start jumping lines lol. Just kidding.

My beef soup ended up a delicious gulash. I had the stew beef, cut up steak I had in freezer for a good while. Threw in a chicken breast, a little bacon left over in the freezer and cut up some potatoes, and carrots and mixed vegetables and collard greens and some screw like noodles with crush tomatoes. It was very good, my mother ate a bowl and I quickly refilled it.

I got referral for otheropedics, even though its been chronic pain it was a relief to know the reason behind it.

I had aspirated a piece of food few weeks ago. Got scared from the increased coughing and phlegm. I had ordered mullien leaf capsules over a year ago after reading that mullien helps decrease mucus. But I was affraid to take it thinking it would make my cough work.

I found that it greatly helped my cough, so much so that the second day I felt a small lump come with my cough and it slowly got better. I still cough but just sharing that it helped.

On the family front, my son is back in the states. In many ways I felt he was safer in Korea than in his own country.

I dont know when I will get to visit. I see a big risk getting on a plane in a cabin for hours.

Meanwhile I come down yesterday and find a new sheet set on my mother bed the floor swept and mopped and it made my day.

Of course I had an issues about him (MDN) throwing out the foam mattress, it was torn off at the top but it made such a big difference to feeling the mattress rings in the sofa bed that I bought one for myself.

I had been planning on buying a new one. I am Tempted to ask if he noticed how uncomfortable the mattress springs would be to my mother or if he plans to replace the one he threw out that he did not buy. But she would get in the bed under the foam mattress. I still dont think he had a right to throw it away. But I am learning not to give things power. Especially when I was planning to replace it. So I guess I will keep my mouth shut. Learning to do that also. Such wisdom comes with 60 whew!

I hope everyone is in a good place. Keep smiling it shows in the eyes. Sometimes a nice smile makes my day.

Self Love has also become a focus for me. Crazy but true.

Rays of love, healing and light to us all.

Good Night

Duck, so glad you are getting to the root of your hip pain and that there is a solution. Bottom line IS loving yourself. You can't pour out of an empty jug. All the gas lighting and criticism and put downs are very painful and they affect our self esteem. We have to be our own best friends and build ourselves up. (((((hugs)))))