The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Happy Birthday to all who are or have recently celebrated b'days! 🎂💕

Thanks duck, it was and a very happy birthday to you!!!🎂

more tomorrow,

Happy bday, Duck!

Newheart, welcome aboard. You are not alone at all. When I first came on board I didnt even realize some of my issues. But my issues started out similar to what you posted. No matter what, I could never please my mother, giving giving, doing doing, trying to prove my love. I was also ended up cooking and bringing my mother hot meals. Never got the containers back, or acknowledgement. But she would walk to the corner and meet me as passed on my way to work. Our Mode of Operation was if I said it was blue she would say it was red and something was wrong with me. She always threatened me about if I didnt do this or that I wouldnt get something.

Very very painful to be accused of something,, especially stealing or wanting their money and even worst that they believe it.

There are some wonderful people on board here who had the patience and cared enough to first help me learn about narcissim. The got me on the road to healing and changed my perspectives and then my reactions and saved me from insanity.

I realized how I was programed to be the scapegoat, cinderella. from all the ridicule and violations I knew what the hurt felt like and could never intentionally bring myself to do wrong to anyone.

So much more, I can write a book. But trust that they know your heart, and your love and that what they bank on and then use guilt to keep you in check. Someone posted something about the narcissistie mother and I cried because it described my family situation perfectly.

So today I realized something. I was pissed about something and ways of my clients mother who is also a narcissist. Gets staff to do everything. I have grown to love her in a way. I began to wonder is it my calling to be the narcissist's thorn which is what I become with them all. So much so that there is sabagtoge. Anyways I kept thing back wondering what line of thought I had after this breakthrough moment when I was in a bad funk. So I couldnt think of it and I started thinking, that if I respond to the nonsense, I give her power. If I realize how trivial and the intent and turn my back on it it loses momentum and may become nothing. So did I want to run up my pressure, just to let this person know I am on to them, hurting their feeling and bracing for the retaliation which is sure to come and add to your hurt and insul to your spirit in one way or another all because so petty bs became important to me in the midst of so many more immportant issues.

Happy Birthday Golden, I either missed it or its coming. I turned 60 today. So I was like dang I look good for my age, this was after days of pain and stress, limping and stressing over my hip pain causes. So when I got off, the pain was gone (back now) and I felt good. Almost lost it when I focused on negative comments spoken the night before. Decided it was not even that important and now the day is almost over and I am thankful and happy.

Bottom line is loving myself. Learning to after I have been programed to catered to everyone else. Its so sad the reality. I see other families support and love eachother. One of the people I work with has family like that.

So enough of the negative. My son stopped me this morning when I started to go in on my twisted (thank you Gershen) and her son., Thank Goodness.

So when I get off for the next few days, I will be making a beef stew soup. Get my hair done and followup with md about this hip issue.

Everyone enjoy, and take a moment to treat yourselves good.

Rays and Rays of Love and healing to us all.

Hi everyone!

Sharyn good to see you. Happy retirement.

Golden, your words on caregiving were very well spoken a few posts back.
Your sentiments about dealing with past pain issues in life also have me wondering if one can ever get past (in my case) such a long history of emotional, mental and sometimes physical abuse as a child and onward in different levels and forms as an adult.

There are times when my mother is very lucid and those are time I see her old narcissitic game self. I am still in a good place. Sad but not depressed.

I had a bad severe mucsle injury to my r. foot last tuesday, Walking a double twisted my foot in a small gass cap sink hole in street. Thought I had broken it then I was able to walk. I go to work the pain got horrendous so bad I beat my self up for not going directly to ER at first. By the time I got off my mind was set to the ER but the pain was gone. I could walk. So go to the ER and while I am at it ask that my hip pain be evaluated. Xray showed hip fx. I cried. Had ct scan and find I have a 7mm hip spur projecting from the front my hip joint. So much pain for over a year comes and goes depending on what that spurr is doing. Anyways I also find cause of the right foot pain I had a good while back also.

So I had no intention of going back to doctor after I got refills of blood pressure meds. Luckily the followup apt is on friday the 4th so I can get referral to Othropedic specialist and resolve some issues, I am going to get as much treatment as I can with out the insurance. It seems surgery is my best option. I would love to walk and turn around in bed without a thought.

So tuesday as I limped to work I was unable to clean up mess my mother made. My nephew came by and threw out every cup I had down there and all my little bowls I use that were in drain. I havent text him in a while but I gave him a good piece of my mind. So glad I wasnt in a place where those actions could have taken me deeper in a funk. Its sad to live amist low lifes. Its worst than the homeless not staying in shelters because the other homeless people beat them up and steal their things they feel its safer in the streets.

Even in good spirit I, (Ms tough Lady, Ms. Im alright) will break down and cry if you look at me wrong.
My son will be returning to the states soon. I am fruatrated still that I wont be able to travel to see them. I cant risk catching covid or risk giving it to them or my mother. Nor can I afford the quarantine. I feel lucky my clients mother still allows me to work. She is refussing so many nurses in replacement of a few who left. It a very low risk job for covid. Health insurance kicks in next year june with this new agency. Hopefully its a decent policy. Its a sad reality that I would be better off healthcare wise if I were not working. I hope to work a lot more rif my health allows.

Welcome to the new commers. Keep posting. Its cathartic and you will eventually hear something that triggers the healing process.

I really love and appreciate you all.

Good Night! Sleep tight.

Rays of love and healing to us all.

Newheart, welcome 😍.

I'm not excusing your Mother's words but I think sometimes some people can be embarrested about needing help. It's a pride thing. So they lash out. They may have previously been very independant, strong personalities, used to be being in control etc.

More humble, polite, flexible personalities accept they need help & will freely say *thank you*.

(You didn't get that Mother it seems... neither did I.)

It's not a gender thing but I have noticed in my family the males will say thank you but some females just grumble or even state they don't need any help (when they clearly do). Pride.

In answer to 'you only want my money' ignore the actual words & be factual: "I am trying to help you. I saw you needed some things & I am happy to do it".

I would take a joke stance myself: "I'm just after your money? Ha! Well if that was the case I would have found a much richer old lady to go slurp up to!!

"You're not dead yet you say? Nope. Still complaining I see, certainly not dead". 😉

They are the sort of replies my Grandmother would have reveived from her daughters. She would just chuckle (but the message got through).

I say "Oh THANK YOU" out loud sometimes & get a look like WHAT?? I just laugh. Oh did you say something? I thought you thanked me? 😁

newheart15,

My advice from dealing with an abusive mom is to see a therapist. These dysfunctional families that we come from keep therapists in business. You might find one who will see you virtually through your phone or laptop. My prayers go with you.

Hi everyone. I am new to this thread and am grateful that it has been started. My family was extremely dysfunctional growing up and continues to be so with a surviving 94 year old mother. She has now become an aging, mean and demanding person. During COVID-19, I delivered home cooked meals, took time off work to make visits and she repaid me after four months by saying, "You're just after my money and I'm not dead yet." When I confronted her on this remark, she said, "I just feel the way I do." It was crushing. I have given up trying to make her happy. Now I just live with this weird guilt caused by detachment. I think I am mourning my loss of ever having a relationship with her. At 56, I know we will never be close. And while I accept this, the years of negativity and verbal abuse are wearing heavy on me. Has anyone been through this? My dad and I were very close, but he passed away 10 years ago and I am feeling alone. Any advice would be appreciated from those who have been there. Thanks.

glad - i am not sure about getting past the past . I think it is a new normal for us. The past is gone and some negatives went with it but some positives too. The new normal has its own set of positives and negatives.

Like last summer we had one hot day this year = over 80. It has been rainy. windy and cool. Hoping for an Indian summer before winter sets in. Finally the mowers came and did a good job. The landscapers are supposed to come this week. The city did contact me about the garden shed next door. Hopefully something will come of it. There may be trouble with the fence too as the posts are higher than allowed.


Take care all.

Sharyn, wow two new great, great nieces? Congrats on that. Great to see you posting. Retirement sounds wonderful a few years for me yet.

Golden, I am not at all sure about getting past the past. Don't know if it will ever be for me either. The spite and vindictiveness that is experienced is still very hard to believe as I just would not have done the same to twisteds if the shoe was on the other foot.

Good night all.

Hi Sharyn - good to see you posting. A nuisance about your SSI but I am glad it is getting sorted out. Sounds like retirement is very much a good thing for you. Your grandsons are growing. Interesting how they are adapting even kindergarten to a safer situation. My youngest grandson (age 15) will do next term on line totally (his choice).

Two great great nieces!!! Wow. I am happy for you.

Here we are getting through the summer. I am feeling a bit bushed as I haven't been much farther than the post box since March. I'm going to have stretch my wings and go out and do a bit of banking. If I was even 10 years younger I would not feel I had to be quite so careful, but at my age -83 now - i feel lots of caution is necessary.

As the estate is taking another step towards completion (having to send monies overseas to my sister has added complications) I am looking towards a less complicated future. However I unfortunately haven't been able to immediately cast off the crap from the past, it went on soooo long - over 80 years of my life, I am still feeling some hurt and anger and I guess it will take a while. to resolve it to at least a better level.

Take care all

Good afternoon to everyone! I wish the best to all caregivers, the struggle is real and just not heard by those who have not done it. My heartfelt thank you and keep posting here where you will be heard and supported.

I am retired now, SSI is working on deleting a double income entry from 1988. One has a legit tax Id and the other is not legit but fir exact same amount. It appears to be a typo. This income is from working for re-election campaign for a congressmen. I know I only worked 3 months at most for minimum wage so there is no way I received both entries. I had to take money out of my inheritance to get through next month and my SSI should be worked out by late September.

we are all doing well. As of last Friday, my employer had to shut down the Starbucks due to a COVID outbreak. Happy I’m not there.

My grandsons will start kindergarten next week on Tuesday and Thursday with Friday being an online day.

my great niece is pregnant with her second child. She is the daughter of my niece that took her own life 2 years ago. I am enjoying seeing the family grow, I have 2 great great nieces now!

sending my best to everyone and I’m praying and hoping you are all well and getting support systems in place

❤️💕 Sharyn

Hi rcvela - tough situation. To me it sounds like your Dad is wanting to guilt you into personally looking after him. I a sorry you and your bro were abused as children and teens.He is using FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to get you to take over his care . I honesty doubt he is going to change. You have to look after your needs. A psychologist, Pauline Boss recommends that adult children of an abuser do not do hands on care. I was in that situation and I did care giving at a distance. I understand you being upset about his text. For me, accepting that my mother was as she was -narcissistic, self centered, lacking in empathy, sometimes cruel, helped me to distance emotionally, and take steps to protect myself from more emotional abuse. I greatly distanced myself, at one point stopped answering her phone calls, as they uset me too much. Eventually she became unable to use the phone,.I lived 5 hours drive away and visited a few times a year for a short period of time making sure I had someone with me. I was in close contact with the staff in the various facilities she was in ti ensure she had the care she needed. Your dad needs skilled nursing care. You know you cannot look after him in your home for several reasons, You are dong the right thing for him. Make sure you are doing the right things for you. He is getting the care he needs. You don't have to subject yourself to more abuse. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and come back and vent any time, Many here understand. (((((((hugs))))))

Rc, your Father feels how he feels & is expressing it. He is probably angry, sad, feels abandoned & much much more.

If his care needs are too high for you (& they are from what you say) then they are too high. This is a fact.

His feelings are his. His care needs are also his. His words seem to hurt you so much but they are just words.

You can be sympathetic to his feelings but tell him the truth about his situation. I am sorry this happened to you but your health needs are way too high for me, or any one person. Listen to your medical team about the real choices you have. I hope you can adjust to your situation in time.

It seems he is just venting. It will take time for him to take responsibility for his life & choose his path. This may be a new thing for him to learn.

Hello, I am in having an episode of anger and betrayal. My father is in rehab right now for amputee walking training. I was discussing his progress with his case worker and she says hes not trying. He says he is afraid every time they want him to stand up. He's been there 2 weeks and nothing has changed. He is still dependent on a bed pan for #2s and the hoyer to get in and out of bed. I asked what are our options because he is about to be discharged. She mentioned skilled nursing.
So I texted my dad and told him his options were to pay for in home health care out of his pocket or go to skilled nursing. A few hours later he sends a group text to my husband, my brother and me. He tells them he has no where to go after his discharge because "Rachael doesn't want me anymore" "I have to go to my own house and crawl around on the floor to get around"
I can not begin to tell you how much that upset me. First of all you have to know that this man abused me and my brother as children and into our teens.
But I still took care of him. After his triple bypass, I got up in the middle of the night to help him pee in a urinal for months because he could not sit up by himself. This time he has an amputation of his left leg. I have been caring for him since May. Everything including no. 2 in bed pans, cleaning his butt after.
so, I feel betrayed. I don't expect a thanks. But I did not expect him to try to turn my husband and brother against me! I did not tell him I was sending him to the skilled nursing. I simply told him it may be his only option. Because I have to work. That in his condition I can not provide him with the care he needs.
I texted him that what he said was mean and hurtful and also unacceptable.
I have not talked to him since and I plan not talk to him until I have no other choice. Because if I do talk to him anytime soon I may say something to him I may regret. I had a text ready to send to him this morning telling him I was done. My husband told me not to send it.
Thats about it. I needed to let some one know how I am feeling. It helps to talk about it.

It certainly takes a major toll on us

Ali I remember when you last posted, though your life was much better, you still suffered from fatigue,

Duck you have a myriad of health problems. I am glad you are in a better space. That should help.

I remember some years ago reading on here that a poster said she had care given a Borderline Personality Disordered person and an Alzheimer's sufferer, She said she would take the Alzheimer's patient any day over the Borderline Personality. That spoke volumes to me as mother had BPD.

My health is better since mother passed and even more since I cut contact with my narc sister. Quite a bit better, but currently I am needing to "cotton wool" myself from the world. I find I can get quite unreasonably upset about small things like the neighbour who has put up a shed in his front yard right against my property. It doesn't look good and I am sure is not allowed but the process of getting this addressed is something I just don't want to go through. I have and have had enough to deal with. I feel I need a break

On the good side, finally, after much airing out, the old people's smell from mother's things in the two bedrooms where they were stored, is gone. I noticed it, with some relief, last week. I am slowly getting her stuff and some of mine to the garage for a trip to the dump. And in that process I am saying goodbye to things that remind me of much that goes back many years - good and bad.

My difficult dgd has shown some interest in old photos so those albums will go to her though I am not sure exactly when. She is still very much a teen age drama queen. The rest will be trashed.

The kitties are delightful. Rocky who was so difficult is now the cuddliest of the two. She has to snuggle up to my side and be petted several times a day. They come in wanting their supper between 6 and 7 and chase the treats I throw down the stairs. Pumpkin gets her wet food in the cat room and Rocky her extra treats and dry food in the main basement room. The doors are shut so they are separated Rocky's preference for sure. The next morning I open doors and they each have to check each other's food bowls, litter boxes and may use them, and sometimes their beds, They want lots of petting in the morning then they go outside and from then on it is musical doors often - one in, one out, and so on. Rocky had caught a few small critters. Pumpkin chases bugs. lol

Today is a lovely summer warm rain day so we all are feeling a little lazy. Hope everyone is having a good weekend despite the current challenges This area is doing pretty well right now. The next uptick will likely be when the kids go back to school. I am managing my nails quite (surprisingly) well and my hair is OK - well as long as I wear it up or the day I curl it. Touching up roots has been easy. I am not ready to go back to the salon until I can do it regularly.

Take care all - no one can look after you as you do. Its part of your job in life. ((((((hugs)))))

I am still recovering from four years of 24/7 that ended five years ago now? How is that even possible? I will never again be the person I was before caregiving.

Thx Duck.

Hi to the newbies

I think some of us are still burnt out even though our LO has passed. Our burden of dysfunction is life long. For me a lot of it has been learning to take care of myself, and I am still growing in that area. Also I have learned not to expect "normal" behaviour from dysfunctional people nor, any more, to try very hard to understand why they are as they are and do as they do. Crazy is as crazy does.

Number one in care giving and dysfunctional families is look after yourself. It's really number one everywhere but some of us were trained to put others first at too big a cost to ourselves. It takes time to unlearn that.

Just rambling here. The pandemic has made some things harder. My heart goes out to those of you who are seriously affected by it. Love and ((((((hugs))))) to all. Stay safe! ❤❤❤

(((HUGS))) to everyone. I had shared a lot in a post that I lost. That was the book. But one thing that happened to me was a simple change in my perspective which took a load off my heart and spirit. I was a loaded gun. Then after this intervention, certain things didnt matter and I think the basis of the change was realizing that I had to let go and give my burdens to God. Lots of times I have to be in a bad place with overwhelming hurt and pain and saddnes in or to surrender any kind of control.

So this week on my days off I completed chores I had been working on for months. I got a lot accomplished and it felt good. I am going to ride this as hard and long as I can!

Good Night, Sleep Tight

Good to hear from you, Duck!

Hi All,

I have been meaning to check in for a while. I have lost two elaborate posts and now my share is narrowed down.

Golden, my heart and prayers go out to you so sorry to hear about your son's anniversary. You have been thought so much and your intergrity, goodness, honesty and wisdom is an inspiration.

Much more to say and much love and appreciation to the 3G's, Barb, Book for sharing and taking time to impart wisdom and perspectives and options and reality,

Also just plain old thanks to everyone in this forum.. My life has changed from engaging and reaching out.

Sharing and reading others pain and joy helps in many ways. Not to mention the feedback and honesty,

I lost a book so I will have to come back later and give update.

I am in a better place spiritull and will share some of the journey.

Good Night, sleep tight.

Rays of love and peace to us all.

I have not posted much on the forum-a few times to share my experiences with my sister with LBD and my 95 year old parents. Dysfunction is a deep river that runs all through my family. 95 year old mother just recently told me her mother was physically and mentally abusive. I only met grand parents 1 time as a teenager-they lived away. Mom is not always accurate about her life- I do believe her childhood was not easy with her father's illness and her mother not interested in raising her 3 children-(my mother) . She frequently criticizes my father who got his PHd for chemical engineering and took care of my mother until about 6 years ago when he was diagnosed with parkinsons. Mom was furious dad could not do anything it was horrible to see and hear the way she treated dad. My mother has been mentally abusive to me not accepting my truth-telling me i should forgive X and what he did to me-it wasnt that bad....according to mom. Also, I should take care of them-this is why i was put on this earth. She promises jewelry, money and then never does or gives to someone else. She said to me this week, I know this week of my dad in the hospital and taking her there every day is hard work and that she knows i wish they were dead as a result. I have been stabbed in the heart many many times. I told my older brother I do not want any of her stuff and when I said that I suddenly felt free of her mental torture. I am sure she never says these horrible things to other lazy sibling who is now angry i am doing banking and medical care for both parents. Mom has horrible things to say about sis in nursing home and sis did this to herself.

i took a brief time out due to covid. I enjoyed being home with my family and having the time to clean and work on unfinished projects. all others including paid helpers abandoned parents -would not get groceries etc. Dad has a catheter and needs regular maintenance by dr. office-i had to do and had been doing for months before. I like doing things for dad he is helpless to defend for himself and his memory is awful-kind of a good thing-he can not remember what mom did or what caregivers did or did not do for him.

Primary care dr. has said due to mom falling 5 times in the last month they are not safe at home. mom reply was she cant leave her cats and books-nothing about dad-i feel dad would get better and consistent care in a facility.

I am doing the best I can. my hubby says i should cut off my parents period it has been way to much. we have decided to talk about dad only his progress at rehab etc. try to carry on as best we can.

To everyone here. You're wonderful people. Dysfunctional and abusive parents don't realize how lucky they are to have adult kids like you. The siblings don't realize how lucky they are either to have people like you. The brothers and sisters are let off the hook and don't have to take any of the responsibility, although the never give up the job of criticizing and correcting you who get stuck with the caregiving. I have said many times before that the only way being a family caregiver can work out is if it's done on the caregiver's terms and no one else's including and especially the person who needs the care. In most of your situations the best thing to do would be find a different living situation for the person needing care and cut out the family members who have nothing good to say to you. A couple years ago my friend put her mother in a nursing home (they did not live together). She has never visited her and the other sister doesn't either. They are not wrong. Both of their parents were dysfunctional selfish, abusers who if not for family they both would have ended up wards of the state. When they were able to care for themselves they only cared for themselves. There's some guilt tripping by family members because they don't visit. Never from me though. So none of you should feel guilty if you need to put mom or dad or special needs sibling into a nursing home or other supervised assisted living. Don't be a martyr because take it from someone currently living in a abusive care situation. They would not be one for you.

Thinking of you Golden, take care of you.

Rcvela, did I read correctly on your profile that Dad is 68? Wowsers. He sounds (in a bit worse) health than my sister (40s stroke, mobility, weight & other issues). When I hear "you do it for me". Like a red rag to a bull (I am not a patient person...) The answer is NOPE. Obviously if he can't, then someone must but it does not need to be YOU. Or your daughter!

That's why my sister now has a team of Aides. I am not the servant. When I choose to help it's because I want to, not because I have been told to. Breathe - rant over.

I guess it's a survival thing that kicks in for the dependant one. Would be embarrassing to ask for such personal help too. What would I do if I needed that much help? I'd move to AL or NH to not be a burden on my family. That's a thing my sister has said too, she does not want to be a burden. Of course she couldn't see that she was... but with kindness it was pointed out that her *care needs had exceeded what family could offer*. Her choices were get paid Aides in or move into care. Recken your Dad needs that talk too. (I'd have his bags packed already).

robertsnursery,

Sounds like mom is stressing you out, your marriage out and your children which is all understandable and more so with this virus. Maybe, it is time for her to live somewhere else?

Hello all! so, first thing my dad says is he can't empty his pee bottles any more. (its one of the boundaries I set with him) I asked why he said he would have to show me. And he took me to the bathroom and showed me where he backed into the wall with his scooter causing damage. My husband wasn't happy about it (and I don't blame him our house is getting destroyed by his driving of his scooter.)
But the real issue is he is has managed to get out of one of the gross things about taking care of him and not to mention is was one of the boundaries I set (he has to do for himself what he is capable of doing) He had the nerve to tell my daughter that she would have to empty his urinals from now on, right in front of me. My husband set him straight on that. I have to ask him almost every night to put his dishes in the sink. I am thinking of making a sign listing my boundaries and putting it up in his room with my schedule on it. Sometimes when he calls for me to do something for him I feel like that little child he gets mad at if I don't come immediately.
I have to get him out of my house, I am struggling. I cry some mornings when I get out of bed. I have called around and pretty much the same result. In home care ballpark $2300 a month. He needs skilled nursing. If that is not an option then assisted living would be next. I need to close for now, Thank you for being here.

THanks for asking! I am so so so tired. You all know the feeling, I'm sure.

My mom is wearing me out. She could be much more difficult, so I should be grateful. But I'm just so tired. Every thing out of her mouth is a complaint or request. It's difficult to just "be" with her. She begs me to spend more time with her (she lives with us!) in her side of the house but when I do I just get a list of chores. It's impossible just to watch TV or visit without a bunch of suggestions.

I also have to find time to be a real live human for my husband and kids! It's so hard because we're staying in and they are missing sports and friends coming over and my husband is sick of being in the house. Our town is spiking so nothing unnecessary. It's so hard to smile. I miss going out to eat (getting takeout is worthless to me). I miss just wandering around Target. Now I'm trying to figure out two different school online schedules and what school supplies they need.

And then make conversation? Look decent? Avoid the news? It's all so hard.

Thinking of you, Golden. I think I want to do this "meaningful contact" with my dad just so my conscience is perfectly clear, should he pass away. Caregiving Life was its own world, and I wasn't a good person at times. I hope you can get to feeling better soon. I still have major fatigue, unfortunately, most of the time so I very much understand when someone doesn't have much energy to give away. (((hugs)))

Thank you, CW, Glad, Gershun, Trying... and others... for the input. Hope you all are having a good day!

Ali - it is very hard to figure out the best way to make amends, especially if the relationship has been fraught on a number of levels. I agree, you will likely feel better if you do. Making amends does not necessitate prostrating yourself. IMO that is not helpful anyway. I find it's better to keep amends simple. I will make two suggestions to think about.
First, you can simply say something like "Dad, I know our relationship has been strained and I wish I had been more patient. I love you"
Second, my counselor suggested I think about something positive that came from having my Mom as my mother. It was a good exercise for me. My Mom was passionate about literature and nature. Her passion was inspirational to me and kindled my own love for reading and nature. Both bring me great pleasure. Then my counselor suggested I tell that to my Mom. I did and it felt good and Mom genuinely appreciated it.
I wish you all the best with this.

Golden - You will be in my thoughts and prayers, with love.