The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Ali - it is very hard to figure out the best way to make amends, especially if the relationship has been fraught on a number of levels. I agree, you will likely feel better if you do. Making amends does not necessitate prostrating yourself. IMO that is not helpful anyway. I find it's better to keep amends simple. I will make two suggestions to think about.
First, you can simply say something like "Dad, I know our relationship has been strained and I wish I had been more patient. I love you"
Second, my counselor suggested I think about something positive that came from having my Mom as my mother. It was a good exercise for me. My Mom was passionate about literature and nature. Her passion was inspirational to me and kindled my own love for reading and nature. Both bring me great pleasure. Then my counselor suggested I tell that to my Mom. I did and it felt good and Mom genuinely appreciated it.
I wish you all the best with this.

Golden - You will be in my thoughts and prayers, with love.

Golden, so sorry about your son. I did not know this. If you have talked about this on here before I must have not been around. Be gentle with yourself tomorrow and on the 30th.

I like you don't seem to have extra stores of advice for anyone these days. This world has gotten so weird. I feel like we live in the Twilight Zone. Knowing how to act when I'm out now seems to be a daily learning experience. Some people in my bldg. are fine if I get into the elevator with them, others not so much. So it's probably just safer to say "no, I'll wait for the next one thx" Same with grocery shopping. Going out with my hubs is a nightmare cause he glares at everyone who he thinks aren't social distancing, makes loud comments. I just know he's going to get into an altercation one of these days. Sigh............

Hi all - I've been giving myself the month of July "off" in various ways. I've needed it and tomorrow is the 18th anniversary of the assault on my youngest son from which he died on the 30th and I'm feeling it,

sharyn -good for you and enjoy the change! I hear you about being to old to deal with your work situation. Retirement is good.

duck - hang in there.

hi to the newbies. I not up to giving out much these days.

ali - good to see you here. I am thinking maybe you are wanting some meaningful contact with your dad as he may not be around much longer - this triggered by your cousin's passing. As for closure - not so sure abut that. For myself i knew I had to work out closure without mother. She would just have triggered more stuff. Closure for me was a process of accepting her and my limitations,

IDK, if you feel a need to apologize I think I would frame it as sadness that those years were so difficult for both of you and regret that the stress and pressure brought out your worst self, and that you are in a better place now. ((hugs))

That's good, Gershun, thank you.

Expressing concern for him, asking him about how he's doing... This will accomplish the same thing.

And yes, I think my dad will remember that I blacked his eye once (I only hit him the one time in those 6 years, but I unloaded. I was at a breaking point) and threw juice jars against the wall in his room once when he refused to put them away (after I did his shopping, and he just laid in bed like he did every day).

It was such a bad time for me. :-/ I do feel remorse. But instead of bringing up any past bad times, it makes more sense to me to express concern for him now, and let him know I care.

Ali, do you think your Dad even remembers the times you think you were short with him?

Rather than possibly remind him of something he may have already forgotten why not just tell him you are worried for him and just want to get your feelings out while there is still time. Maybe he might even welcome the opportunity to do the same. You never know.

I'm thinking about this because my cousin (he was only around 55yo, I think) just passed, and I'm going to head to dad's city for the services. Pics of my dad recently show me that he doesn't look good. I'm wondering if the leukemia is wearing him down. I'm sure it is, it's a question of how fast it will go. My dad's on his way out, undoubtedly, but we all know sometimes things can drag on and on.

Since it's 3 years post caregiving and I'm in a good place, and much better place, than I was during caregiving... maybe it's time to be a big person and apologize for any difficulty that I contributed to. Caregiving situations can make a person crazy. I'm convinced of that. lol

Any fights I had with my father during caregiving happened due to a lot of stress, on both of us. I just want to smooth things over, I guess. But it's hard for me, because deep down I don't like the man... as much of a big heart and humanitarian that I am. I can love him as a flawed person, as my father, but I don't like him. This is really hard for me, but I think I have to suck it up and apologize and be kind to him. I think I'll feel better about his passing, when it happens, if I handle things this way.

Ali,
You are very wise, and I agree with you when you say:
"I think maybe there is no way to have any emotional "closure" with a relationship that's been fraught with unhappiness (at least on my part) for its entirety."

Ahhh, Ali, I was thinking of you today. Apologize? Yes, you did so much and such a wrought relationship with your dad. Why did you think you are thinking of that? Maybe, just maybe it would make you feel better. Lose some guilt that you may be feeling? If it helps you, absolutely nothing wrong with that. So why wouldn't you? Maybe you think dad would get some satisfaction? So what. If it is for you, then you should, ignore the feelings that you think dad may have. You may even get an apology in return.

HUGS!💟💟

I guess what I want from any talk with my dad, is I want to apologize for times I lost my temper during caregiving. But then I think -- I sacrificed so much to help him at this stage of his life, why would I ever apologize? Does that help anything if I do?

I think maybe there is no way to have any emotional "closure" with a relationship that's been fraught with unhappiness (at least on my part) for its entirety.

Just wanting to take the high road and don't even know how or why I would do that.

I have a question for anyone who wants to give input.

My bro's birthday was the other day, my mom picked up my dad (long divorced, like since I was 2yo) to participate, so there were pictures of everyone shared with me. My dad's not looking good. It's hard to say, it's a bit par for course, as he's had a very shaky past 7 years, a lot of that time was when I was heading up his medical care.

It got me thinking. I need to say something to my father, in case he should pass soon. He's been such a force for DESTRUCTION in my own life, that it's hard to know what to say. But also, other than the absentee father part, he's not really to blame for me getting involved in caregiving to him, and "ruining" my life starting in 2011. He asked me for help with my grandmother, and I came to help. That was my choice to go and to stay.

So I'm not angry at him. It's sad that he's been such a bad figure in my life. I don't think he ever meant to do any harm to me. He is a very strange guy and has TBIs and perhaps some Aspergers or similar. He has leukemia that was discovered a year ago, and he can't stomach the meds, so... his clock is ticking.

Do I need to say something to him, to let him know I don't hate him? I don't act like I hate him, anyway. I give him presents at Christmas, one of the only people who bother to do anything like that. I cringe on every Father's Day and except once in a great while, haven't bothered to call on that day.

How do you reconcile things with someone who has been so confusing to you?

I just have a feeling his days are numbered and want to make sure I say anything I want to say. Not even sure what that would be. I'm so full of ambivalence about him.

I'd appreciate a chance to be honest about that ambivalence -- with him, or with other family -- but I don't see it going well. Maybe best to stay silent. Maybe there is no way to smooth over the difficult relationship this has been.

My cousin on his side just passed on Sunday. I may go there for the services August 13th.

Answey - Keeping you and your Mom in my prayers.

Aswry, prayers for you all.

Answry, thoughts for you and family. Good thing you were there. You are all going through a lot. Mom is where she needs to be.

Mom got admitted to the hospital yesterday but not without a fight. BP in both arms were in the stage 2 range. Sibling was swearing at me saying mom wasn’t going anywhere but I called for ambulance anyway. Sibling stating she would carry mom to doctor tomorrow. When the ambulance made it, the BP numbers were in crisis range and climbing. Yet emergency professionals had to work at getting live-in-sibling permission to transport. Dad is taking it hard.

Say a prayer for us please!

Hello everyone. I haven’t been around in a while but wanted to give you all an update. I’ve lost an uncle and a niece here recently. My sweet niece didn’t get to make her 30’s. Still not happy with parents care. Dad weak but mom is in the worse shape and the one whom keeps suffering injuries. I feel an accident is waiting to happen with dad due to clutter that’s making a major comeback. I feel so helpless trying to stay out things. I know I was told to wait until the worse happens. Well in my book it’s happening and it keeps getting covered up. Few weeks ago, bruised knees on mom. This week I went to visit and my pampering to mom was doing her hair. As I proceeded, I see a nasty gash on the crown of her head. Since they already had appointments I insisted in going in with mom since sibling has been refusing to let me know anything and has sworn the aids to secrecy. And I'm still not poking around anymore (well until this week) but just loving on mom especially and dad. So the gash is a few days old according to doctor and again was not checked on at time of incident. Mom constantly moans every time someone touches her now. I don’t know if she is hurting currently or hurting from previous injuries. I’m just so sadden. I hate this watch and wait.

rcvela - Don't pay any attention to statements that make no sense. Most of the people here know that raising your child is in no way the same as taking on the physical care of an elder parent, especially one who has abused you. The differences are endless.
I try to tune out posts that seem preachy or negative or judgmental... and thank goodness they are not the norm. Soak up the kindness, good suggestions and support here and just ignore the stuff that feels toxic to you.

Hi again!
Tryingmybest, I started seeking counseling early before my dad arrived. The lady I talk to is awesome. If only I could move her into my house and have access to her 24/7 lol. I wanted to address a comment I read in someones post. (I don't remember who) This person said something like this: Why would this be different than caring for your child? It is very different. My child has never done anything to hurt me so deeply as my father did. The love between my child and myself is a patient, caring, gentle love. That kind of love makes you want to do anything for that person. My father did not give that kind of love, I don't have words to describe it. His abuse taught me to hate myself. As a child I tried so hard to please him. Needless to say, I find it difficult to say I would do anything for him. That love that makes you sacrifice for someone is just not there.
Back to something I said before, I always tried to find ways to avoid him. Being around him is toxic to me. I am still sucked into that trap that was formed by the abuse. I am so stuck in that trap that sometimes I don't know where he stops and I start. That is very sad for me. I don't want to be anything like him. I abhor being anything like him. The more I am around him the worse it gets. Adding to that trap, now I have to take care of him, 24/7. So to that person who made that comment, Do you see now? Why its different? If you don't then maybe that's a good thing, maybe you never experienced abuse from someone who is supposed to love and care for you as an innocent child.
I just found out recently that my dad may be living with me permanently. Its horrific for me to even think about. I am so scared I cried. Its something to talk about in my next counselling session.
Thank you for giving a space to talk about it with people who understand. I've read some of the posts and I hope at some point I can contribute.

Duck, big ((((((hugs)))))))).

Is there an appeal process for the WTC benefits?

Yes, your sister sounds like a master manipulator, but dont forget where she learned that.

The state of your mother's feet should be all the evidence the CM needs to know who is neglecting what.

Be well!

Rcvela, welcome aboard!! Keep posting, keep venting. There are a bunch of wonderful, people on board with a wealth of experience in these issues as well as great advise and guidance.

Barb, this is for a new certification which is an issue with my respiratory system. This is the issue I was on repirator and almost died from and the cause of me coughing everyday soon after a volunteered at ground zero. First they did not have enough info. I have already received a small amount of compensation for other issues. Thing is that the repiratory problem is the one most seriously affects my health and life everyday as well as the other issues.

I dont expect aps to expose my twisted, or the guardian ship manager. Its just so frustrating to see her manipulate and cover her active neglect and spiteful actions. When she is basically the reasopn we are in this postion where an outside agency has to step in for my mothers best interest.

It truly bothers me that becuase of her spite and hatred of me, she took charge of my mothers care via proxy, blocked me from any aspect of her care and refused to do anything for my mother including homecare or repairs becuase it would benifit me. Not to mention the ongoing sabatoge. Craziness. Yes as you have said from day one, I need to be out. and thanks for keeping it real. I so appreciate your input. You are one of the few who have given me insight that has changed my perspective with just a few words or encouraged me with just a simple phrase. Thank you so much. Some of you feel like family in spirit. I also have an appointment and will give update for the eye doctor.

I reordered a card via telephone 9 to 10 business days I hope I get it before she does. And yes I know ........ PO Address.

Good news, is this groin and hip pain is getting better. I still have issues and I am still careful.

Rays of love and health to all. Good night. ((HUGS))

Duck: if you thin your stimulus card has gone astray:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/advisor/2020/06/03/your-stimulus-debit-card-may-have-been-delivered-heres-what-to-do-if-you-threw-it-away/#2dbb42e04f12

Hi Rcvela, welcome. Perhaps the people who think your dad is so "wonderful" should be the ones doing his caregiving, not you. I'm not being snarky I really mean it. It is not good for you. People who have been abused by a parent often put themselves at risk when they take on that role. If you do not see a therapist now I suggest you start there. Many of us need help to untangle from the emotional strings and manipulations that compel us to feel responsible for another persons happiness. Meanwhile keep coming here, you will find support and people who understand.

Duck, sadly, APS is not about exposing your sister. They are about getting your mom the care she needs.

1. She needs a home attendant for her hygiene and making sure shes fed.

2. She needs a home attendant because so much of the chaos in her home is caused by mom messing stuff up.

3. She needs home health to provide her medical check ups because taking her to the doctor is too hard for her to bear.

4. She needs a visiting podiatrist.

5. You need to figure out another place to live.

I'm sorry that your claim got denied. Is it because there is no official record of your having been there? Did you volunteer through an organization that kept records?

Did you get to the eye doctor?

Hi mom I’m going

Concerned as every summer we go through the same conversations. 100 degree feel like temperatures and mom has excuses to NOT turn on the a/c. Won’t open windows or doors to let air flow through while she sits with her one fan blowing on her. Just told me her kitchen ceiling fan fell out of ceiling two months ago (haven’t been in her home since CIVUD). She will call a/c person tomorrow to schedule an inspection and won’t turn a/c on till that happens .

same stuff every year.

Greetings!

Sharyn, I am happy for you, as you embark into to world of retirement. I wish you the best. So good to hear good news.

Trying, Thank you.

I am still in a bad way. I mean I am okay, Ive always been good at putting up a good front and hiding my pain. Every now and then I am just overwhelmed and amazed at the evilness and spite I live with. The ongoing sabatoge of and lies of my sister. She is mentally ill and focused on outcasting, shaming and just about anything but physical assault and I am not even sure about that.

I just got a letter in mail stating my stimulus card was mailed and had not been activated I never recieved it. I saw my sister's card come in the mail. Then she is leaving any junk mail on the ground inside gate where mail man throws it and knocked over a flower pot I put on ledge. It looks terrible.

So the Guardian manager and her supervisor came and she refused to meet them with me. I was not surprised because she bamboozeled them with lies and I am sure took credit for things I do. This is so deep for me becuase I have been subjected to her manipulation, and entitlement since a child. So seeing that the supervisor and the manager came on board not really reading her records and how we got here, making judgement and decisions with out the real picture but with the powerful manipulation by my sister and my aloofness and distraction because my wtc lawyer called and said they denied my claim for the damage to my respiratroy system which put me in the hospital fighting for my life. I have been coughing every day very soon after I volunteered at ground zero. 9/11/2001. Its going to be challenge but just seeing something so serious to me and my life being dismissed easily took me back to my fear and shock and understanding that I almost died and that this condition could be the end of my life if I dont stay on it.

Thus, when these people came I kept asking my self why I was so anxious and irritated as I got glimpses of my sisers performance, knowing she was lying and sabatoging me, again making me the scapegoat for the situation and condition of my mother and the house.

So I plan to email the guardian manager and ask her to review the entire report so they can get the full facts on my mothers situation before decisions are made. APS has asigned a new agency and this woman has been calling to check my mother about the heat. I asked her to please review the case because so much pertinent information gets lost during the transfer and the history and marked events.
I know I am dealing with a mad woman (my sister) but they don't. And it messes me up because most of my life between her and my mother I've been hoping that they get corrected and checked it didnt with my mother.

So my delima is how did I get here and why did I take this evilness for so long!
It scares me that I had blinders on most of my life, in the severity of the hatred. It like with my mother they would think I am lying if I tried to say all the things my sister had done to spite me and sabatoge me with no obvious care about the affext of my mother.

I do all the work spend my money and she takes the credit. Know she is wrong and struts around like she is queen. Like she always has. When does she gets exposed and checked?

I have decades of so many violations in so many ways. So I struggle to now finally learn to put me first and I really cant handle to demands of my mothers care alone especially in the midst of so much sabatoge and hatred.

I thank God for God, This forum where I can vent and for my dear prayer partner, brother and his wife.

Thanks for bearing with my crazy. Im am trying to hold on to sanity,

Hello! newbie here, I found your site and I am so happy to see that others know what its like to be in my situation. Some of the words I have read really hit home.
Like "I alone, am not responsible for his happiness" - " they have made countless decisions through out their lives that have influenced their health, finances and relationships"
My father abused me and my brother physically and mentally through out our child hood and into our teens. Many years later...after several heart attacks and surgeries and a leg amputation, he has had to stay with me. My brother doesn't have room at his house and not to mention hard feelings. My dad still manipulates and condescends him. I get more of the manipulation and guilt trips.
Of course, Everybody else that knows him thinks he is this wonderful person.
My son is one of those people and does not understand why I don't want to be around my dad and therefore doesn't talk to me very much. I do not tell him anything different. I don't want my son to dislike his grandfather. I keep it all to my self. My husband also thinks my dad is this wonderful guy. How twisted is that? I can't seem to get him to understand the dynamics at play.
Ok, so back on track, my dad is staying with me after a recent leg amputation.
I am on furlough at the moment so I have the time to care for him. Lucky how that worked out. Any way, I have always found ways to avoid him. Now he is in my home, 24/7 asking and asking and asking. Always asking for something.
I have to use the lift to get him in and out of bed, use the bed pan for bowel movements, I have to see and touch his "stuff" to clean him.
He's tried very hard to lean on me for everything, especially his happiness.
I am searching constantly for respite care or any kind of help I can get.
A nurse and physical therapist visit occasionally.
I need to close for now, Thank you for your time and listening.

Sharyn_ Best of luck with your new life! It sounds like you are going to fill it with positive pursuits!!

Duck - I'm so sorry you are having such sadness. Please take care.

Sissisu _ Tune out the negative comments from others if you can. It's hard to do, at least it is for me, but when I do I feel so much better! Take care.

Hi Golden. I hear you. I HATE mosquitoes (and ticks)

Hi to everyone! I’ve been fighting myself for several months now. Due to changes at work that are making it harder and very low morale with most employees, I've decided I’m retiring!! I stepped down from being assistant manager thinking that would solve my issues but it hasn’t. I have chronic pain which the dr,chiropractor, and physical therapist have told me is muscle pain due to having muscles I use that are strong and some have become weak because I don’t use them. I accept this, however, i have dealt with tendinitis before and I wonder if it could be tendinitis. I only question the diagnosis because it’s only in my right leg which is my dominant leg.

Anyway, many changes at work and not to sound like a spoiled child.....I’m just not up to dealing with it. An example is having to rotate my schedule, having to stand up to managers who insist I had a review and raise 6 months ago when it’s been over a year. It’s not just me who is having these issues with management. I’m just not the personally type who wants to Fight, make waves and leave on bad terms.

with my union pension from California and Social Security, I’ll get a bit more per month than I would just relying on social security if I work another 4 years.

I have an interview with social security on the 21st to get the paperwork started and this weekend I will fill out the application for my union pension.

I’m excited but a bit anxious since a new journey. I have many things to do while in the state of being retired from the work force. 1) my daughter and I are buying used furniture , refurbishing the pieces and reselling at a higher price. 2) I’m taking an art class online from a lovely legit woman teaching canvas art, fabric art and furniture art. .3) my wonderful grandsons .....need I say more❤️

Duck, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have a solid plan on how to respond to questions during the meeting. Take care of you and much love and (((hugs)))!!