The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi east I am going to underscore what the others have said. Taking your mum in in not a good idea, even if it is supposed to be temporary. A good facility would be best for her. Your cousin cannot know your mothers health better than a doctor. Hope it all works out well Keep in touch,

duck - sorry you are depressed but I sure understand. Glad you are seeing someone about your flashes. Duck, I don't doubt that you are burned out. Please then do some good things for you. You have managed to get a guardian appointed, against some odds. Well done. Look after yourself!!!

sissisu - same old, same old, eh? Your mum is not going to change. She will never be happy with her situation for long and she will always blame others, and you in particular. I know that is a burden for you. I had it too. There is no sense in her needs and demands. She will make out that things are urgent trying to manipulate you to jump when she wants something. Then she won't be happy anyway. Good idea to reduce contact. You need to care for you.

Rain expected today again. We are having a cool damp summer so far. The mosquitoes love it!!! Ugh!

Have a good day!

Another roller coaster week. Brother fetched mom brunch on Sunday from one of her favorite places. Called her and she was all upset. He’d mentioned the customers there were right on top of each other in the waiting area, no masks. Workers were all masked up. Her food wasn’t in the usual styrofoam containers but in aluminum tins. I have heard her rant re: those tins at least 10 times since. She will not be ordering stuff from there anytime soon! It all falls inline with her loving a restaurant for a while, then she finds something minor she doesn’t like and then that place is no good. Has happened so many times before.
So she’s moody, then a tiny bit better. She asked me to look at toaster ovens next time I went grocery shopping (store is a regional mega store with a lot more than groceries). I said I would go early in the day some day this week. She called me in such a happy mood on Tuesday morning. Asked about the toaster ovens, what did I find out? I didn’t go, I hadn’t said when I was going. She was still all happy through the call. Called that evening, no answer. Same last evening and night before. I know I didn’t do a thing to make her angry- maybe because I didn’t drop everything and look at those ovens. She has been talking about getting one since December or earlier. Why is it so urgent now?
I know she’s ok because brother calls or stops by her home briefly. When she was ranting at me earlier in the week, said over and over how she hoped brother wouldn’t get COVID-19. She wouldn’t have any help without him. Yeah not too concerned about him but how it would impact her. I told her before well hopefully I will just get it instead of him. She said nothing. I know she thinks that, too. She was all angry at me because “you have it easy, you can work from home”. Brother cannot work from home. Then I hear how he was a straight A student and how it’s not fair about his current job. Basically I should have a “worse” job than him. So if I didn’t already know, her children are only valuable as to what they can do for her. I have failed her forever by not agreeing to live together. She would, of course, buy the house, so she would still be in charge and could tell me what to do. She said she wouldn’t do that but she would. Even her doctors and dentists have told her they know she always wants to be in control.
Not planning on calling any time soon. Wait and see. Just do me and she can sit and stew.
Hope everyone is doing well.

Greetings all, I have to aplogize for alarming with my post about the flashes. They are intermittent and there is no change in my vision. I have appointment. I have had them in the past after an incident many years ago. They have come back and I am in no way neglecting my vision. I am already very very nearsighted and not playing with my vision.

These last weeks have been about the same no energy. I am depressed. Things are not really moving with my mothers case. The temporary guardian and I are doing phone tag. I have been calling her about whats nexts for my mother. Meanwhile I am just burnt out, lot of chores are piling up.

I truly hope you all are in good spirit and health. I am not caught up at all. Just checking in.

Much love to all. Good night.

EE good to see you post. I am kinda surprised at you second guessing yourself and what to do with mom. You know the answer as you have read it many times. Sweet of you for even thinking about taking mom in.

If she comes to your home what certainty do you have that bro will come back and get her? I would say no. Tell bro you are not able to provide the care mom needs and leave it at that. You do not need to explain yourself or make excuses. No is enough.

Hi East Eagle, nice to have you back. I think it would be unwise to take your Mom in given your own health issues. Your Mom is going to need ever increasing levels of care that one person with health problems will not be able to provide.

If you feel strongly that your Mom should be in a facility near you then make your case to Bro. If he refuses it will be on him to find a place.

As for your cousins assessment of your mothers condition, I would take that with a grain of salt. Not even a geriatric doctor would say such things without knowing your Moms medical facts, stats and history.

It's painful watching our elderly parents fade away, even during the best of times. The covid situation makes it so much worse. I wish you all the best.

East Eagle,

If I read correctly, your mother has given your brother POA and wants to take over because he thinks that is what having a POA means which is wrong. I would push for the nice nursing home that you found. On the other hand, right now nursing homes seems to be hotbeds for Covid19 and so that might not be a good idea right now. I'm not sure of her moving to your house for that may become permanent and a burden to you over time as she continues to decline. So, I really don't see an easy answer here. Let me know if I misunderstood something. I wish you the best,.

From EastEagle,
I have not been active on here for a while now due to so many things going on, but that goes without saying for everyone! For those who don't know me, my Mother is now 95 years old, and she is still living alone in her own home, which was her decision, not mine. For the past 15 years, I was the only one who was helping my Parents with their Doctor appointments. My Brother was working, or always "too busy" to help out. I was self - employed so I was able to take the time off. I went with my Mother to all of her Eye Surgeries in Boston, and that meant staying over at her house to help with the post-op eye drops, etc. I live 30 miles away, but it's a one hour drive from my house, to get through Boston, to her house. So it made more sense for me to stay with her. I also went with my Father to all of his visits to the Mass General Hosp. to the Congestive Heart Clinic for their special program. So I was the one who did all of that, while my Brother and his wife were traveling all over the world, and spending the Holidays in Florida. I also wanted my Parents to make some plans for the future, but they always ignored my advice. When my Father passed away in 2009, my Mother gave my Brother POA and put him in charge of the house, so he would make all the decisions on repairs, etc, and I was never included. So now in the last few months, we have all noticed that my Mother has declined. I had not gone to see her since March, the virus shutdown, so my Brother who is younger than me, and his wife who is much younger than both of us, are now the ones who are helping her, etc. To make a long story short, I was getting conflicting information from him, regarding how my Mother is doing. Our cousin who is an RN visited my Mother in June for just 2 hours. My Cousin had been very close to my Mother and Dad while growing up, but the last 10 years or so, she was too busy to visit them. I had been asking her if she would call my Mother, since my Mother loves talking to people on the phone. I didn't even ask her to visit her, if she was too busy, just a simple phone call, but that never happened. So anyway, she did visit for the few hours. My Cousin told me that basically by Mother had a hard time getting to the bathroom on time, since she has slowed down a lot using her walker. So my Mother is now incontinent both #1 and #2 to be polite. She also said that I had to forget about the virus, and go and see her because she is dying, and only has weeks/months to live, not months/years. On the other hand, I got a different story from my Brother. He said that he took her for another Doctor visit, because they thought that she might have a UTI, but all tests, and her blood work are normal, and they told him that she is healthy, but it's her age. So I got these 2 conflicting reports. I had been talking to my Mother on the phone, which we have done for years, but I can not get my Brother to give her the phone so I can talk to her. I have had more health problems of my own. My Brother does not call me on the phone, which makes it really difficult to discuss these issues. This week, my Brother texted me to say that he wants to bring our Mother to my house to stay for awhile because she is lonely. And if he does not bring her here, he will be putting her in a nursing home. I had told him about my Doctor visits, but he just ignored me. I had already found a really nice nursing home/rehab very close to my house, and I would be able to be with my Mother every day (if they let me in). But I don't think he will agree to that, he will say that it's too far away for him. What is your advice in this situation, what would you do?? Thanks so much, everyone.

Weneedhelp welcome. Do you think any part of the mismanagement may have anything to do with dad in denial of mom's condition? It is very common I saw it with mom's hubby often. It is very hard on the one that may still be competent.

Welcome, weneedhelp, I too think talking to your mum's doctor is a good way to go. And talking to your dad's doctor also about his inability to care for your mum properly, It sounds like they are approaching a time when a facility would be best, -for your mum particularly at this point,

Did they ever mention any plans about what they wanted for their "old age"? Is your mother really 46? I checked your profile and that what it states.

Does your dad have any outstanding health issues?

Lots of questions but they help to paint a picture for us.

I know this is a big worry for you. ((((((hugs)))))

Weneedhelp, Welcome. Your topic (I am guessing) will have touched many: the controller caregiver, a vulnerable LO & worried family members looking on.

Apparently there is info out there about statins negatively impacting brain function - I have no knowledge about it - but take them & risk heading into dementia faster? (an unproved maybe) or don't take them & risk having another stroke (more certain risk).

Maybe the half dose is your Dad's compromise?

Weneedhelp, welcome!

Have any of you been in contact with your mother's doctor to report your dad's mismanagement of her medications?

Have you considered that dad might have some cognitive issues?

New to the forum and need help with my dysfunctional family. I live in Buffalo and my parents and 1 sibling live in Florida. We are trying to navigate how to get my father to accept help from outside sources. My parents live in a condo. My father is very controlling and my mother has dementia and had a stroke last Summer. My father is in denial about how much help my mom really needs and he is also not giving her medications as prescribed. She is supposed to be taking 2 BP meds, baby aspirin and a statin daily, but he thinks statins cause alzheimers. He told me he would not change her meds without doctor advice, but now we have realized he is only giving her meds on MWF. Any attempts at discussing things with him turns into an argument. We are walking on egg shells because if we get him too angry, he will shut us out and we won't be able to talk to either one of them.

Happy 4th of July!!!!!

Just dropping by to wish those for whom it counts a Happy July 4th.

Have fun and stay safe! 🎆🎇🎈🎉 ⭐

According to the experts, reinfection is possible but it is likely not as severe as the first infection. It may also be caused by the mutation of the virus. Flu virus also mutates, that's why flu vaccine is an annual thing and is only 30%- 60% effective, and 50,000 people die from the flu in the US annually.

I'm just guessing here, but I don't expect any vaccine for COVID will be 100% effective. People will still die. So, the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can get back to living.

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2020-05-covid-experts-ponder-odds-reinfection.html

Glad your co workers symptoms sound a lot like meningitis.. and the fact that she is being seen by a neurologist really makes me think this. It is also contagious. Good luck with this.
Barb, I am so sorry your DD has lost 3 younger friends to this. I am lucky, I work in one of the biggest hospitals in the USA, and I only personally know a handful of co workers who have even tested positive, and only 1 was in the hospital ( luckily not in the ICU,, just for a week then a month at home) I am in Maryland, and while we had a peak a few weeks ago, we never saw the numbers that NY had. We now only have 27 COVID positive pts in the entire hospital, thank God. My daughter is 32, and many of her friends are nurses,, she has had no friends test positive. There is no rhyme or reason to this.
I think a lot of the states that are climbing now had their start later than NY and we did.. too bad they did not learn from our troubles

((((((sharyn)))))) - that sounds pretty bad. This virus is not political. I have read of some of the extremists They will only prolong this pandemic.

kellse - you must be concerned for your family there.

send - hope hub can find a safer job.

polar - Some of them will die - not as many as older people but some will. It is a high cost for herd immunity. And reinfection has happened.

barb - sorry about your daughters losses. I know the numbers are not as high as for seniors, but each life lost was valuable. Young age is not a protection.

glad - sorry about your work/health situation and the number of cases in your area. I am glad you are getting your health history in order. Your assistant is very sick. I have read of cases where the infected person does not recover easily. I guess that often does not hit home will it happens close to home. I don't think we can write anyone off as being safe as regards this virus. Good suggestion to sharyn!

Here we were stable case-number wise till we entered stage 2 of our relaunch. E'ton has some some outbreaks and Fort Mc and region have upticks in cases. Over all the province is doing well, just not in some places and I happen to be in one of them. I have dental work that needs to be done, a trip to the lab to check my thyroid and a vision exam, but they will wait. None are that serious. I was thinking about it before this last uptick as we were pretty stable here, but will wait now. Hopefully things will settle down. But, if they do, the next relaunch will affect some areas. Which areas remains to be seen.

What I see is that people on the whole do not respect the 6' distancing. I have contacted for some landscaping and made a point that I need the workers to stay 6' away from me. I think I saw one person outside on the trail wearing a mask, but I don't go to the stores so I don't know what is happening in them which is more important, I think. Some of the answers are not that complicated if people would just buy into them. Some, of course, are complicated. A recent case here was a kitchen worker in a MacD's. The potential for others to be infected is high. Returning kids to school is scary for some parents. I read an article recently about face shields as opposed to masks for school children. They are safer and, appropriately decorated, might be more acceptable to them.

I found this on face book and will share it here. 😋
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you guys know the FDA just approved a treatment that reduces your chance of getting COVID-19 by 5X?
Its trade name is Wearamaskasshole. Side effects include mild inconvenience, possible victim complex, fear of people thinking you are a sheeple, being ostracized by your anti-vax plandemic bros, and the power to stop your own asymptomatic transmission as this country stubbornly dives right on into that second wave.
Check with your doctor, or really anyone, to see if Wearamaskasshole is right for you.

Have a good day, all.

Sharyn, what about a craft shop? Fabric store? Quilting or yarn shop? Well bicycles? 😀 There are jobs out there and I think you are doing the right thing to get out of the deli business. Maybe a small independent deli?

Yes, it has become political, even here in the small jurisdiction I live in. But it is the elected ones that are instigators. The governor is not going to tell them what to do, nor are the two very small, ill equipped hospitals or the health department. If it were entirely up to them everything would be open as per the old normal. A variance was applied for about a month ago that is yet to be approved. Two food plants here have both had outbreaks. And one nursing home outbreak. Forty-five deaths overall and 650 confirmed cases. Doesn't sound like much on the surface does it until you consider the small population. It was the highest rate of infection in the state a few weeks ago. Now that stat has moved to another county.

Yesterday, my daughter had to shut down a volleyball camp because one girl was exposed. That was heartbreaking for her as she loves her sports programs for all those high schoolers out there. Now, wait two weeks to see if there was any transmission among the campers. Quite upsetting. We all, I am sure would like things as they were just a few months ago.

As part of this jurisdictions plans part was to move me out of my office, to the front office for all initial contact with customers that visit my dept. This was to cover duties of a 40 year old assistant of mine. She has been absolutely ravaged since a presumed positive, to the point of seizures, 4-5 each day a couple weeks ago. She is now under the care of a neurologist trying to figure out what is going on with her.

I told the powers that be that I would not be in the front office due to my age. This has led to a series of letters to document my underlying condition of a scarred lung from a collapse due to pneumonia about 32 years ago. And since I was laid off in 2009 then caregiving for four years beginning in 2011 no health insurance, no doctor or visits and records retained for seven years those records are simply not available any longer. To say nothing of those treating doc's one in her 50's then, the other retired even if they did remember me.

It was a power play by the powers that I have successfully shut down but I am angry it should not have had to go to this extent. I had to provide a letter from a doc, so I setup a virtual appointment with him. He wrote the letter based on my reports of what happened 32 years ago. Now he wants to see me and has ordered a full pulmonary work up to be done this next week.

So, I guess all in all it is ok that this has happened, it will get me going back to doc's as I should have been all along. But, maybe I don't want to know.

Yes, people die every day but some just shouldn't too young, have their lives in front of them, now this covid that even takes down the young and healthy.

Barb- It's very rare for young healthy people to die and it's even more rare that your daughter knows 3 of them. I would not be so certain that they were all healthy.

Also, the point is not to have NO BODY die. People die everyday from other causes. Thousands of people die A DAY in the US . Every hour, about 6000 people die in the world. Why don't we stop everything to prevent those deaths?

As we see on this forum everyday, there are things worse than death.

My 36 year old daughter has lost 3 HS classmates to COVID 19. All were healthy.

Young healthy people getting the virus is not something to worry about. They will not die. Not only that, they will build up antibodies which will protect them if they are exposed to the virus again. Better they get exposed now when they are young and healthy rather than when they are old and frail.

SharynMarie,
I understand completely as I was born in Idaho and I have family there

SharynMarie,
I sincerely hope you can find away to stay home, at least until the numbers subside.
Since people refuse to follow advice on social distancing and wearing masks, I worry with people's attitudes you will be caught in a bind serving the public.

Hoping you are given options.

I have been going on Indeed.com, searching for a safer job offer than being in a crowded store, serving the public. If someone told my husband to do something, he would without thinking if it was safe or not. So he is vulnerable.

Be safe, as safe as you can.

Golden, we are over 200 new cases a day. In March, we were at 60-65 a day when we shut done. It does scare me because I live in a state that most believe it is all political. The county I live in, which is the most populated county in Idaho, has been moved back to phase 3. Bars have been shut down again. It’s mostly young people, age group of 18-35 who are getting sick now. They refuse to wear a mask. They refuse to social distance because socializing is most important to this age group. I don’t know about other states, but here in Idaho it has become very political.







I don’t know about all the other states, but here in Idaho, it is very political and extremist.

duck -how are you? Is your eye ok?

glad - I find it very frustrating. No idea why they changed the format. Can we complain?

sharyn - good to see you and know you well, It must be scary going to work.

send -what I am reading abut the US is that there are spikes on the first wave. Numbers haven't dropped enough yet to consider it a second wave. I am all for being very cautious.

pasa ((((((hugs))))) that must be very discouraging. Keeping interactions minimal is wise, Some people are just mean.

Pumpkin got a scare the other day and wouldn't go out. When I opened the door she fled upstairs or downstairs, I suspect she had an encounter with the very territorial local squirrel. Thankfully she is going out again now. Rocky was fine throughout, but she would be very cautious about approaching another animal.

The basement is largely cleaned up after the flood. I have a bit more to do but wanted it to dry up competely first, R says he can replace the affected laminate. I have loads extra. What a relief!!! I got a flip up extension to the downspout. Hope it works.

A few more of the last things being sorted out with the estate.

Since the my release from the burden of my dysfunctional family, I am getting healthier. For example, all my adult life (and some of my childhood) I had sinus infections. They were pretty well chronic. Slowly they have been healing.I am amazed and so very thankful. I am also impressed at what continual stress can do to a person's health.

Take care all. This is a very difficult season on top of an already difficult role. ❤❤❤

Keeping interactions with mother to a minimal. This evening after fixing dinner I watered the garden and discovered that she tossed the strawberry plants ready to go into a new strawberry pot and broken branches to the apricot tree. I know it's dementia however, she's done this most of my life and tossed whatever I work on. The garden is really the only thing that has brought any real joy to these past months. It's very disheartening.

Sharyn, always great to hear from you!

Perhaps the admins are trying to get us longtimers to go away or let us know in a subtle fashion that we are just not posting enough. If we posted more, our feeds would look a bit different. 😕

Corona starting to spike again in many places. People just too antsy to get out. And they said being a introvert is not a good thing. I kinda like my hermit thing. Nothing like my own company.😉

Testing....lost my post.....

Exactly, SharynMarie!
Cases of Corona have spiked higher than in Mid March, when we shut down. That is what I am saying too.
My husband has been asked to return to work, twice now.
They are saying furlough is over, and what is his status?

He is looking forward to returning to work when the numbers get low, and it is safer. Just not worth risking your life for part-time pay and limited hours. imo.