
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Oh....o.k., thinking about it is all right!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Maybe I will keep the two stockings for myself, label with their names, put them on my tree as a reminder to myself of these unbelieveable three years. It is kind of a cute idea, I think and when I thought of it, did make me feel better for awhile.
Let's not add fuel to the fire. HAAH!
I know it's tempting.......but don't go there.
Just my opinion-humble, of course!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Glad- I would give TS's the ornaments after you no longer have to deal with them regarding your mother. We have given coal as jokes and everyone loved it but your sis's may not appreciate it.
My kindle really messed up my post. I meant where is Kazza, has anyone heard from her and how she is doing?
As far as the card from my mom's sister, she may very well also have dementia. She is at the age where my mom began having symptoms that interfered with the normal living of life.
She's always been an emotional basket case, a ball of nerves, in a state, all worked up, etc. I should call her Aunt Tizzy. I have never run into somebody so emotionally crippled before in my life. That whole part of the family is what I call "Messed Up Big Time". She gave my mom & dad crap for putting me in a private school. She gave mom crap when I went off to college. I should have stayed home (really?!?) More crap when I moved out of state and got married. Like any of this had anything to do with her. She is a walking drama bomb looking for a fuse. This won't surprise you, but her two daughters live just minutes down the road and that's too far for her.
My relationship with the twisted ones will never be the same. It will never recover from the past three years and it doesn't bother me. They can have each other and deserve each other. How in the heck did I become the bad guy? I know quite well. TS#1 became involved two years ago with the false allegations about me to APS when it became obvious to me that I needed an attorney. TS#2, mom's POA let #1 into this fray and has always been afraid to stand up to her. TS#1 is not someone you want angry with you, she is a manipulator and vindictive. Was reading online about these types of narcissists, malicious narcissists, that evidently try andnare very successful at rallying other family members to think their target is the problem. First she went after me through auntie dearest. For a short period of time, auntie dearest backed away from her. But then was sucked back in again, I am guessing because of tears and the "poor me" crap! Then went after me through my kids, then TS#2 whom has no backbone or character to do as she has been instructed in the POA's or the trust.
So, coal in their stocking ornaments for Xmas?
I already ordered the Pooh Bears last night. I also booked a flight today leaving on Jan 5 and returning on Jan 10. Cyber Monday prices were excellent, less than $150 round trip and non stop. No car seats and no walkers coming from us. I amy give them a gift card for Christmas to buy formula from Cost-Co but it will be to them, not my grandsons. If I indulged anyone, it will be the boys....time for dd and sil to grow up. As grandparents we should be able to get them special things from us.Of course toys are used up and broken then forgotten...that is why I love the idea of the ornaments, as they grow, have different interests and achievements something to remember it by that is from us.
Margeaux~ I must say I understand...my sis would complain every birthday and Christmas because she would send a monetary gift to her grandchildren and never received a thank you for the parents or the kids. I suggested to her (as the grands got older to include with the gift, a stamped,. self addressed thank you cards), sis thought that was being to forward. She mentioned it to her daughters several times to no avail. Not to dis my sis, but....we learn what we live and are exampled...the disadvantages of a dysfunctional family life and believing you are entitled due to your role within the family.
I started bone broth on Saturday afternoon with the turkey carcass. It took 2 crock pots to accommodate all the the bones. It was not done until I got home tonight. The smaller crock evaporated more liquid than the larger one even after adding more water this morning. Both crocks were so full I could not add vegetables. I must say, the turkey broth I made a couple weeks ago, was outstanding for using in the gravy on Friday's Thanksgiving. I made 4 cups of gravy and it was all gone with only 4 people.
I am off tomorrow - Thursday...
There are great grandchildren now in the picture. Now with my sister's daughter....
I see her little ones, and have been invited to their baptismals and first year everything up to now. But my one brother's two eldest children now have two kids each. So that's four kids right there. I never see them. They never so much as just drop by to visit my mother (their grandmother), on just a regular day. It's only when there used to be food ready for them to eat on a holiday. This isn't happening anymore, since I believe my sister has burned out on all the effort that takes, and it just became too many people. I don't blame her one bit, either as she has her hands full with mom. My brother's kids live so far too, and I just am not seeing,
or bonding with this clan's kids whatsoever. So....I am thinking that I'm not going to give them gifts anymore. Besides.....their parents (my niece & nephew) never say a decent thank you, or send me a note of appreciation for past years, when I gave them gifts. It's also become way out of my budget. Do you all think I am wrong for feeling this way?
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
How great you were able to see your little grandsons bathing. How sweet!
Listen, your feeling about the amount of money you'd like to spend, and then even the choice should be totally up to your discretion. You have given them as new parents quite a lot already. I've never enjoyed all those years when my nieces and nephews were growing up......I was always told by both my own mother, and sister that it would be best to buy especially golden boys kids clothes. That apparently was a situation as in...that's what they needed, they didn't need toys. Now that that's all said and done in terms of my nieces and nephews.....I often think, gee, I should have just given them toys a few years . They were kids, well and if their own parents or other relatives have to dictate what kind of a a gift is given their kid, that's not fun on a variety of levels. Anyway, you give what you and your husband want to give. The Pooh Bears are perfect.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Well, good thing I opened the card. My aunt had written something to the effect of "I have a hard time getting ahold of you. What's wrong and why can't I talk to you on the phone?"
Seriously. What part of *mom has dementia, has moved out of state to be near me, and has declined to the point she now lives in a locked memory care unit* is so hard to remember? Mom can physically speak on the phone, but what she talks about is her paranoid ranting and accusations that everybody is out to kill her and steal her stuff. I know that my aunt has been told what my mom's condition is many times. She is just Queen of Denial and a mildly vindictive little sister.
This is the same aunt who ripped me a new one years ago for suggesting that mom needs to plan ahead for her old age care. Just let the Lord take care of it. Well, somebody here on earth has to actually fill out the paperwork and pack the boxes, don't they?
This aunt drives me nuts with her insistent denial of reality. She's always been like this so I don't know why I expected differently from her.
Now, I'm considering not even giving the card to my mom. It would upset her to read that. I'm not against them talking to each other. They've always had a fractious and competitive sister relationship, doing things to dig at each other over the years. I guess not even time, old age, and illness can put that to the back burner.
This aunt cared for grandma in her declining years with dementia and it was not good for either of them. We didn't know what we do now, and it was always a fight with grandma for not doing certain things or not doing them right and not remembering. I feel so bad for the way grandma got treated because nobody caring for her knew better back then. Grandma was just a holy pain in the patoot.
I know the reality of the situation and that my aunt is not able to understand how to talk to a dementia patient and not upset them (or willing to try). If she can't understand mom's current state, how is she going to understand the context of anything mom spouts at her? I feel like this is an avoidable headache for everyone concerned. If anybody asks, my answer is "what card?"
But what these people dont understand is Im having health issues, my kids ARE NOT NORMAL, they are getting tested for mental health disorders, with tests saying yes and probables Autism /Anxiety. And rule in or ( rule outs) my son Unspecified Neurodevelopmental Disorder ,Interment Explosive Disorder,ODD,ADHD ( ADHD been diagnosed) ETC...when he is violent watch out and has issues almost daily. Plus add my sis who is like my son, my dad is ill, and I have my grandpa who honestly I believe needs 24 hr care.
What else most dont realize or should I say believe is the hell I went through as a kid and adult with grandpa and various family. I have been told how great I was when I did things exactly to a tea for them, some things I just cant do and I get put down. But the thing the people dont get is that its been this way MY WHOLE LIFE!!! My grandpa puts an act on, he laughs and says how wonderful things are, makes jokes, doesnt understand whats going on with me or rest family, is NOT prejudice etc but as soon as they leave, my friend being one, its back to the same old ways. He puts a front as I have for many years and now I tell the truth no one believes me, heck I wasnt believed then either! Once in a blue moon when its me and him I get a compliment. Why fight anymore to prove how he really is when no matter what no one believes me?
And the new rules at grandpas Dr is they will give me no info because Im not his Guardian. I said Im his granddaughter who stays nights with him and help with food, days but Im not legally appointed guardian and she said from now on no appts can be made without him!!! I cant hack this! Plus I misunderstood his old caretaker saying she called to confirm, but she meant me.. im so stressed and been so sick, my cough isnt going away and I have other health issues, they are adding up. Yes I admit this past month or so I have been "worse" with forgetting things and doing things because Im at my end of the line!!!
gladimhere- Thats also a sweet memory and great idea! Never to late to start a new tradition. Hmm maybe I will too :)
Veronica91- Great ideas and I also shop at discount stores and have food as gift items! True on cost, we sent my sis food, and the bill to send it was over $120!! The food cost around $60!!! I think the whole point of Christmas got out of mind with many- it turned into how many gifts and what they were. The point of Christmas is Jesus, and to be together, love one another , being thankful and respecting others...etc. Of course, my kids incl some others I know, are sadly one of those need everything types. Yes my grandfather spoiled them rotten every year so they expect it now even though he wants to quit it. Ive had the talks with them and told them how it was but, they will get used to it one day! I hope!
Sharyn just as an after thought your SIL must be feeling rather left out seeing all these gifts directed at the babies which by extension may be viewed as gifts for your daughter. could you find something a little more expensive especially for him. something he would like for a hobby. A tool he hasn't got or even the battery powered version of one he already owns. The batteries are much improved now and not having to drag a cord around is really delightful. Maybe something for his car or any other personal interest. I know he is feeling left out because of the little ones so this may help a little. At least he will see MIL understands and is not just supporting her daughter. By the way I think the ornaments are a wonderful idea and not just for children.
What I wish I had done for my children since they were born is to have purchased some sort of a special/collectible Christmas ornament or decoration each year. With my kids I started probably 15 years ago. They would have quite a collection by now. I did start with my grandkids, though. The first year they all received a Baby's First Christmas" ornament. Each Christmas since the ornnament has been something that they were interested in at the time, whether it be Big Bird, My Little Pony, Frozen is likely to be it for this year. I then use a Sharpie to write the year on the ornament, the child's name, and "Love, Grandma".
Two years ago, I took my Mom to a birthday party for one of my grandbabies at "Build a Bear" and Santa was set up in the mall right outside. After the party, we all stood in line to have a picture with Santa, yes including my Mom. That year Hallmark had a knit coin purse ornament with initials on it. So, from Mom that year my grandkids each receieved the coin purse with their initial on it, inside was a laminated picture of the visit with Santa, and a short Christmas poem printed on Christmas themed paper, personalized just a bit by Mom. When each grandkid sets up their own homes, they have a nice collection of ornaments for their own trees. For my grandkids I try, though don't always succeed, to stay away from toys, because they get so many of them. Though a teddy bear is a bit different.
And it is special now, my kids have told me how they look forward to their ornaments now and they are in their 30's! When they are opened they each show the other what they have received, and there are some stories and laughs thay tell the story of why I chose a specific ornament each year. It has become a tradition, a meaningful one, that everybody enjoys. And the bonus? It usually does not cost too much, especially if I buy the next years ornament at the after Christmas sales!
Now that Thanksgiving is behind us, we start into the Christmas shopping, decorating and the whole nine yards. I ordered 2 Winnie The Pooh Bears for my grandson's. I could not find 2 stuffed teddy bears with different colors that I liked, so I decided on Winnie The _Pooh since he was my daughters favorite...still is. My daughter has told me they do not need clothes for the boys but they do need walkers and the next step up in car seats. I am torn as to whether I want to help her these items or if I want to spend my money on what I want to buy for them that is from gramps and grammy. I will not get the car seats as they are very expensive and I feel I have indulged my daughter enough with the expense of the baby shower, buying 2 cribs, and the 2 weeks I spent with her back in August. Any suggestions on this, I will appreciate...thank you!!
gladimhere- Im glad you were able to get away have a calm holiday :)
Leah623- Welcome and Im sorry its just you and your youngest brother, but your mom is very lucky to have you both. Your right, its takes a lot to be strong, hang in there, we understand. Hugs :)
bookluvr- I also dont have Facebook, well, at least for now, and will not Skype. Of course maybe I would Skype if one day when my kids are older they move out of town. (I will give in )You go at the pace you need to! Sorry about your acid reflux, I have it too, its horrible! I cant even it bread! Glad you enjoyed your dinner , Im still eating Pie! :)
fligirl58- I agree- you keep coming back even though your sis is helping! I hope you feel better to :)
emjo23- Yes that spray bottle helps them not jumping on us, but still working on the rest! I also like online shopping! I hope your feeling better now and you are so strong! :)
Margeaux- Your wonderful to spend your Holiday with them :) Well, appealing is nice and all but what counts is how it tastes and Im sure your casserole was delicious! Glad you saw your friend.
Iwentanon-I hope your Holiday went well :)
brandywine1949- I hope for the best for you and your family :
JessieBelle- Good advice, hope your holiday went well :)
Veronica91- Oh wow, Im glad it was only fleas. I agree, men, well, Id rather just say Im glad Im single. Not saying Im perfect, but most men ( not all) are hard to reason with. :)
EMinNJ- Welcome :) You are amazing to step in and care for your mom after what you have been through. You have a wonderful heart and Im glad your mom is realizing this. I hope you had a wonderful holiday despite everything going on.
I'm not going to get into my long story... not yet. Suffice to say that I'm an only child of a physically and emotionally abusive mother. My father knew what was going on but turned a blind eye to it. He and I have made our peace and now have a loving relationship. My mother, on the other hand, refused to acknowledge any of it and accused me of making it all up. My parents have been divorced for almost 40 years.
My mother's also narcissistic. She distanced herself from family and friends because they didn't see things her way. She distanced herself from me because I refused to let her affect my children the way she affected me.
About a year and a half ago, I was contacted by the social services coordinator of the senior citizen's building where she lived. My mother was behaving erratically, had accidentally started a small fire in her kitchen and kept accusing the super of going into her apartment and moving things around. Mind you, it had been 5 years since we last spoke. During that time, I'd call and leave messages that she never returned even when I invited her to her grandchildren's weddings. I could have let Adult Protective Services take over. They had been called and I spoke to the caseworker who was assigned to her but she seemed to think my mother was OK to live on her own based on the fact that she was paying her bills on time. I decided to visit my mother and found her very disoriented, barely eating and not taking her medications. I couldn't just leave her so I told APS that I'd assume responsibility.
Short story huh? LOL. I managed to get her to assign me as POA during one of her last lucid moments for which I'm so grateful. It would have been a nightmare otherwise. Now my mother's in a nursing home, diagnosed with dementia. I'm the only relative who lives anywhere near her and it's at least 2 hours away. My children never had a good relationship with her so they're staying out of it. All my other relatives question why I bothered but, in her position, I would hope that someone steps up for me.
Although my mother's now more delusional than not, I believe she realizes that I'm all she has now. Instead of being critical, she's happy to see me when I visit. Mine is the only number she remembers; in fact it's the number she recites for just about anything... her Social Security, bank account, even the winning lottery numbers.
My family says I'm building up points in heaven or good karma. I don't know about all that. I get frustrated a lot because I'm the only one dealing with all of it... the paperwork, the frantic calls when my mother believes she's been robbed (that's her major delusion for some reason) or when the staff needs me to help calm her down when she tries to leave and becomes agitated.
"Pull into the next gas station and ask where we are then I will use the MAP" no we have to pull off the road and reprogram the GPS and listen to that annoying woman for the next 50 miles. Stay on 81 I say but no there is a better way.Keep the faith Sharyn you are a good woman