The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Veronica91- I never realized where ringworm could hide, poor horse.

Margeaux- Sorry sometimes I ramble and make no sense! My Aunts dad.. ( my grandpa) My Aunt says she couldnt even do it full time because of her husbands and her age and blood pressure etc. But my dad and I have high blood pressure here too! Well, mine is High Pulse rate.

I know on the Homeschooling issues, it be part time and yes I have to and want too. Its better for my daughter at this point, shes behind academically and has no concentration abilities in class ( cant keep up) and with a 20 plus kids in the class she falls behind. Plus anxiety is really high for her it seems.. maybe because of the feeling out of place or the struggles with work? This way she has more attention the school is amazing! I told my grandpa he will have to hire someone period I have to work and help my kids.. then Ill be there with him.

Sounds like you have a good plan for the Holidays. Your sis was busy and glad you helped her! It is a lot to have a full dinner ready, put away and clean and drama! Have a safe and relaxing Thanksgiving :)

Me1000,

This is a venting place, and hopefully if people can look at things objectively,
instead of subjectively maybe we can take something from the experiences and knowledge people offer here. You should never feel that you are just "complaining,"
that's what you're experiencing, and well we all go through that. I say tolerance is a good thing.

Anyway.......I was a bit confused by your post. When you were saying "she feels she can't take care of her dad, who are you talking about.....your daughter's dad,
or your dad?

Do you really have the time for home schooling? I'm just wondering since you have all those other responsibilities. IDK, maybe your aunt has a valid point.

About cooking a turkey in your situation......I wouldn't do it. If all you're feeling is criticism, I'm afraid this is a big project. Could your grandfather be trying to get you more enmeshed in his daily needs? Watch out!

Holidays, BAAH HUMBUG! My sister used to cook the turkey and we'd all gather at mom's. I was the one who suggested to my sister, this stop, basically because I saw that she was doing too much all by herself, w/no help from her adult daughters. I got tired of going there to just witness my sister all exasperated after this big feat, then having to watch the dysfunction, of other relatives who just show up, eat, act like polite strangers, leave. Then my sister got stuck w/the clean up.
I'd help her some, but it p****s me off, that her daughter's live there, and don't help.
So last two years, my husband and me still attend another way more casual,
potluck of friends, w/o all this stress. It's also way closer than the drive to mothers.
I'll probably make a butternut squash casserole,

During Christmas, our family has centered it around the new great grandkids.
But really there again, my brothers kids show up w/their kids. They just come, eat,
grab the gift for their kids, leave. Truth be told, I'm at odds this year whether I'm going to continue giving two families from that clan gifts for their children. Heck,
they hardly ever come to see their grandmother, stuff like that. So I'm feeling las if they don't put out energies, or ever bring anything to the table, why the heck should I.

I just hope to stay on my side of town, do some cooking for my REAL family who are my trusted friends, and watch some things on tv. Many times there's some interesting programs at this time. Maybe they'll have a "Masterpiece Theatre," marathon. Yeah! That's it! That's my tentative plan.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

We had a horse who caught it from being in the hospital at a famous Veterinary School. We had to bathe her in Betadine every day for ten days. Luckily it was summer. She did get better though. It can get in the wood of a barn and the horses rub on the wood.
Keep an eye on the dog Sharyn

I agree though about etiquette.. everyone should learn it from day one but if not in the home at least starting in the elementary grades. Ringworm is a mess, I wish for a speedy recovery no matter what it is..

Yeah.. I know I personally get too honest here and all I do is complain daily... but.. we are anonymous!!! Plus if I dont get it out and talk to someone or at least just write it to get it out of me Im going to go bonkers! But you all understand anyways. You all have helped me a lot. I agree with you all, I like reading to, it makes me feel connected to you all and know that all of us are here because even though we get frustrated ( esp me) we love our family and just need support to get through it.

What are you all doing for Thanksgiving? Are you all ready? Not me!!!!!!! Christmas is soon too! Anyone decorate for Christmas yet? Or, if you dont celebrate either, what are you doing for some relaxing days?

Countrymouse,

Brilliant post about your take on the health care system in the UK.
Learned some new vocabulary also, thanks.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I'm sure you are, but you are wearing plastic gloves aren't you Sharyn?! - incredibly contagious (fortunately also very treatable).

I agree judda!!

I think my cat has ringworm....probably from the shelter he was in for 24 hours. Said online it can show up within 6 days of exposure. I am treating it with equal parts acv and water 2 x's a day. So much fun, I hope I don't get it.

I think it's fun and good to air gripes here. Where else can ya do it? I enjoy the openness and honesty of this forum, whatever and whoever we want to write about. I learn a lot about a variety of things. Thanks for your writings. Love it.

Im sorry..I just dont know where else to go.. Im so frustrated with my family same ol put downs and they tell me to put my foot down.. but when I do it and its to them they get mad. I dont want to cook Turkey dinner for gpa and his friend cuz how bad he says my cooking is.. so im thinking take out... Another diss that will be too.

Aunt says I need social services for my daughter and put her in all day special ed at a reg high school not part time in class rest at home. But I think now we know whats wrong and we can help her better this way.. daughter says she likes it this way. My daughter is typical teen likes to sleep in but...she has all other issues and you know... what it is I said.. its all about my daughter and son. She says I cant handle her dad and my daughter in this situation so my daughter should go to school... and she struggled to do work.. well once again.. we know why now..but yet before she said work all day... I have to work and homeschool and son and grandpa and dad..ON .MY TIME what you all say!!!! I told her SHE can deal with her dad if he keeps falling or is lonely because he wont hire help and more impt someone who can lift him like a male caregiver.. then thats HER problems and his not on me.. she can call social services for HER dad! My daughter doesnt put me down like grandpa does.. the jokes as grandpa claims some are ..are just mean. He asked me today whats wrong with me lately I told him and there he goes.. well other families do menus.. have schedules,, stick to them, have jobs etc etc.. ya well not everyone has the same issues, not everyone can handle the same way.. we are all different and deserved to be loved and understood for the good differences right?

I promise Ill respond tomorrow, I started read some of your posts about the kid getting yelled at in the store by his dad, the office issues, surgeries, recipes...

You all are in my thoughts

Well, the various career-ending Twitter rants that have occurred over the past few years -- would anyone on this site over the age of say, 45, EVER even THINK of sounding off like that? Younger people are so much more tech savvy, but not when it comes to keeping their mouths shut, their private lives private, and so on.

Looloo - Sometimes I wonder. When I was out of college and new in the workplace, the company I was at put everybody through training that does NOT exist today. We were trained on etiquette, attire, and deportment even though it wasn't called that. It created a far more civilized workplace. Maybe I also absorbed some of this by growing up with older parents in the South. It may have been 1980 on the calendar, but it was still 1968 in the house in many regards. One thing mom beat into me (figuratively) was that to be somebody you needed to have manners, and know how to navigate a fancy table setting. She grew up really poor, so giving off the impression of being cultured was important to her (had been I guess).

There was one work event where were at an important fancy lunch with important fancy management, and one of my colleagues (much higher title and pay than me) licked her fingers. I'm sure it looked like my eyeballs were going to pop out of my head. Licked 10 fingers one at a time right there - at the table with her napkin still unfolded and not in her lap - and me giving her the evil eye. All suspicions were confirmed. She was born in a barn. We were at a place that used china, not at a chicken shack eating on paper plates. I was embarrassed to death for her. At another event her husband was present, and he did the same thing. Horrifyingly distracting.

Some people will learn it at home, others will not. Polish and finesse used to be the thing that would win or lose positions when it came down to multiple qualified candidates. I'm 43 and even a lot of my peers are clueless. It's not about being a snob. Nobody wants to work with somebody who is disgusting and too dumb to be discreet, or heck, even put on the pretense of being somewhat clean.

I'm waiting for the day it has become OK to use the F-bomb in the reading of the evening news. Hopefully we do not ever get there in my lifetime!

Haha! I work in a cubicle farm in an office building too. I love my cube! I love my walls, and how my monitor doesn't face anyone. Hee hee!
Age-wise, I'd say I'm on the younger end of middle age. There is an "older" bunch, and a "younger" bunch of people. The younger ones -- omg! I can't believe the cursing, and the crude conversations. I'm not offended really, but it is supposed to be a professional workplace. What's the next generation going to be like?

Sandwich, I'm right there with you on the office noises. That, and the vicious rumour mill are 2 things I don't miss about working outside the home. I've listened to people clip their nails (both toe and finger) - and then walked into their office to find them littering the desk or floor because they didn't pick the clippings up; listened to the guy in the next cubicle snore through his lunch break - apparently doesn't get enough sleep at home; the idiotic office clown making fart noises with an inflated balloon while everyone is trying to work and giggling like a maniac while he does it....I swear...I'm SO glad I work at home.

Except now I listen to MOM snore, fart, belch and suck on her teeth. I'm not sure I'm better off.

Ask, look, listen and learn after that feel free to share and comment.

Austin,

I agree.....I've learned a lot, believe it or not since other's have posted.
We don't all have to agree on everything either, so long as it is done in a respectful manner, which I think has been done.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Changing the subject - and I hope you'll get a kick out of this -

I work in an office building in a downtown. You'd think everybody would clean up, stand up straight, and not pick their nose in this kind of environment. I mean we're all well paid professional adults right? We have standards for being out in public...right?

We have a couple people on this floor who are brazen with their farts, belching, burping, sinus snorting, and other assorted noises that I don't want to imagine where they come from and I have a teenage boy.

I have never been around anything like this before. One of these people walked past my cube (thankfully the wall is high and I can't see them), vigorously clearning his sinuses, and gagging on it, and I shouted "GROSS!" before I realized that was my outside voice. I was not sorry.

There's one guy we call Horatio Hornblower because he has terrific gas. He toots his way from start to finish every day. We are hoping this is some burdensome medical problem beyond his control versus the other option.

We've thought about leaving some sinus meds and antacids casually lying around the office as a hint....

I love to learn from other people, but learning never happens when either side feels put down or made fun of. Nobody every changed their mind over anything that way.

When we have problems this big and complicated (any of them, just pick one), and big money is involved, no solution is going to be perfect the first time around. It can't be. It's going to take effort, cooperation, and Lord help us - compromise, to refine things over time. And even then, there will still be haters.

I think talking about all subjects is good we do learn from each other.

CM~ I do agree with what you say. Mine and my husband's insurance providers are the same but different policies through different employers, they are a well known provider, reputable and been around for decades. There are many flaws with this new program, should the federal government limit what insurance company's can charge for health/dental/vision through their employer? There are too many issues regarding this subject that angers many people. I am not going bring these up on this site . End of this discussion!!

I think the extra costs to your family are probably one of those regrettable "unintended consequences", Sharyn. It sometimes amazes me how politicians come up with wizard schemes and then fail to work through the details. Considering how many wonks they have at work on it it's astonishing what gets overlooked - I'm speaking about health and social policy implementation in general, I wouldn't presume to comment on the ACA specifically.

Emjo, don't start me! EVERYONE is at it - from thinking they're entitled to live forever, to complaining when old people are put through unnecessary procedures, to being up in arms when old people are denied probably futile treatment, to turning up in A&E with headaches that they've had for months because it's a slow day at work and they haven't been arsed to register with a GP and then claim they haven't bothered because you can never get an appointment (like they'd know!), to complaining about px charges then not taking their medications as instructed and blaming the doctor when the drugs don't work, to being too stupid and idle to make an omelette because they can pick up a chicken tikka masala for next to nothing, then - if you please - blaming major retailers for selling them junk food without warning them how fat they'd get if they eat nothing else, believing they can stay up all night watching boxed sets, get to work because otherwise their bosses will go moody on them, shop 24/7 and recharge their batteries by lying in Mediterranean sunshine for a fortnight once a year, that a mile is too far to walk, that unless activities are laid on for them there is 'nothing to do' so no wonder they're overweight, alcoholic and depressed… I think it might have been Peter Hitchens who was talking a while back about an infantilised society. You don't hear much about it (not a vote winner) but my goodness he was spot on. You don't need legislation to prevent you from taking heroin. You don't need legislation to protect you from your own poor shopping decisions. You don't need legislation to tell you to get to bed at a civilised hour, eat less and run around more. We do need the NHS to scrape us off the asphalt when we get knocked down, vaccinate our children, see us through childbirth, mend our broken hips, reattach our retinas and ream our prostates (well not ours, obviously, but you see what I mean), but IVF? Gastric bands? Gender reassignment? Psychodynamic psychotherapies? All part of the service! As the less sophisticated commentators are fond of saying, "it's the National Health Service, not the National Happiness Service." I wouldn't quite put it like that, but our expectations are insane and unsustainable.

And you'd think that exposure to radiation might put people off asking for CT scans at the drop of a hat, but no. If we had to pay for them in the way that co-payers in the US do, and run round in circles organising our own appointments and our own insurance, we might be a bit less profligate.

AND another thing. I am SICK of hearing the great and good discussing ageing care policy with regard to that demographic time bomb they're always on about it as though it comes as a shock to anyone that we are going to get old (if we don't die. Would you rather?). Worried about care provision for elders in 2020, 2030, 2040? That's US we're talking about, people. We know it will happen. If you sit back and expect society to have worked out how to magic up brilliant care that won't stop you leaving your worldly goods to your children, then I'm sorry but you'll get what you're given. I don't yet know what I'll do about it if I ever get handed a dementia diagnosis, but at least I'm giving it some thought. In policy circles, they're still arguing about whether it's fair to ask people to get checked out for it. People have a right to be shielded from reality, now?

I do believe in universal health care, and I think a system that spreads the cost across society is a good one - I don't see that it's at odds with the social contract, and it creates genuine meritocracy in the healthcare professions because they compete for reputation, not income or social status. But in the UK it's got somehow distorted so that no one will talk honestly about what it *costs.* It's not that it's wrong to provide high quality healthcare according to need free at the point of delivery. It's just that denying that resources have to be rationed and husbanded lacks economic credibility. Someone's got to pay for it. So who's paying?

50'sChild,

WOW! That was quite dramatic! I'm really happy to hear that you and your husband questioned this unnecessary surgery.

Recently, my sister had quite a fight with a dental office. Mom, 92 had been having a molar act up on her for awhile, she was in extreme pain. She was taken to a dentist, he advised she have a root canal. My sister said, that she questioned this,
and didn't want mom at her age to go through that if it really wasn't necessary.

They already had her set up to go in and have it done with this dental office.
My sister decided to take mother to her own dentist for a second opinion.
Her dentist advised against the root canal, and that she really needed an extraction.

But do you know since the first dental office wanted for a root canal to be done,
once they were aware about the second opinion, they gave my sister so much hassle. My sister told me, "Sure....they want to do the root canal, because it's more expensive too." Since this first office had some kind of authorization, they dilly dallied, and my mom had to be turned away from an appointment for the extraction because this office didn't send the authorization. We couldn't believe it! My sister had to get mad dog w/the receptionist from that first dental office, because they unsuccessfully tried to do bully tactics about this root canal.

Another month would pass, until this was finally sorted out.
We were thankful, that at least the pain from the tooth subsided. But it was finally extracted by my sister's dentist. Unbelievable!

I'm so glad for both of you that your husband had the nerve to leave the hospital, and it can be resolved less invasively.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

My post was not intended be a debate or to offend anyone. My demographic area is not being helped.

Oh yes. And managing/coordinating the insurance paperwork nightmares of my mother-in-law, my husband, my father -- priceless. Margeaux, don't you wish you had both a law and medical degree when sorting through billing issues? I received a bill three years after my Mom's death and they threatened to take me to court. Luckily, I knew better (the statute of limitations I think was over after one year since death, but don't quote me and I'm too tired to look it up again).

This past week my husband was held hostage for over eight hours after a heart catherization. They would not release him, and insisted on doing open heart surgery in two days (giving me just two days to plan the possible end of his life). Further, they wanted to keep him in the hospital for those two days -- BUT WOULD NOT TELL US WHY. My husband, bless his sass, had the sense to escape. Our son-in-law is a cardiac surgeon, reviewed the imaging and said my husband's condition was not an emergency, though eventually life threatening. He urged us to get a second opinion "at a multidisciplinary clinic setting". We are so glad for that advice, because my husband is likely going to get TAVR (minimally invasive aortal valve replacement) instead of open heart. We suspect the little local hospital, in the competitive hospital environment, thought they had clinched another one and that if a patient is dumb enough to not question anything (when we did we were given evil eyes and sneers and snubbed) -- that's all to their benefit. I can't stand having to rely upon strangers and corporate-derived flow charts for life decisions.

U.S. health insurance is a mother of a dysfunctional family. For me (63 with lymphoma) Obamacare was useful in 2014. My tiny pension is a result of my quitting work early to care for my parents. Lymphoma was diagnosed exactly two weeks of my fabulous work-sponsored Cadillac+ plan. I was on a private catastrophic plan which went up 33% per year, with $15K out-of-pocket each year. In December 2013, my Aetna premiums had risen to over $800/month. My pension $12K/month, and of course the out-of-pocket bring me to negative income. I did not qualify for Medicaid because my "other" [unreliable] income popped me just over the threshold. Come 2014, I was thrilled that with a subsidy, I had better coverage, $1500 out-of-pocket, and premiums at only $225 (with subsidy). As of 2015, that premium will increase to $385 (after subsidy). Quite a little inflation in just one year. Honestly, I don't know what this country can do with so many aging folks with so little savings, income stream, or security. With obesity and abuse rampant. Without being able to trust anyone, nor to have the pride of knowing your next generation is going to be fine. I'm selfish enough to like Obamacare for my circumstance, but when they sold out the "public option", they sent us to a pit of competing corporations, hospitals and vipers, whose actuarial charts drive daggers into people's trust.

Glad,

Last year when my husband who was insured had the hernia procedure.
He later got billed just recently, meanwhile he'd paid that, think it was for the anesthesia when the did the procedure. But he kept getting the same bill several times. He's really like Sherlock Holmes when he inspects any and all bills.
So he got on the phone and I remember he getting into some arguments w/customer support. They didn't have record of payment. Finally got rectified,
after lots of hassle. So I could not agree with you more.

This is terrible what your friend experienced.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

Thank you for your reply. The system in your country sounds like it makes a lot of sense.

Oh.....you just always make me hungry. Roasts, I need to go out and get one,
haven't made that in a long time. I've got some lentils cooking right now.
This is what I like about the cold weather. We can enjoy these foods.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sandwich,

I am certainly not painting anything or anybody with a wide paint brush.
Not everyone falls into your category. I'm glad that it works this way for you,
and that you're satisfied. I had questions concerning the ability to sign up,
what different plans mean, and selecting a doctor. As of now, I don't even have that.

We may feel differently about this issue, and I think by talking about it, we all can learn. Besides, this is one thing I've always liked here on this thread....is that we are flexible about the topics we share, even if they are political at times.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I finally signed up for Obamacare....(sigh). Not happy about being told I *must* pay for a healthcare plan that has far less benefits than I want ($100 a month), because I can't afford the one that I *really* need ($300 a month).

I rarely need to use my insurance at all, just to have an annual exam and my 1 prescription that I take every other day to be refilled. I understand the concept that a catastrophic illness or injury could occur at any point in time, but I'd sure rather pay the hospital on a monthly basis the same amount that my insurance costs me, than to have to pay both if something happens.
I mean....if I become ill enough to be hospitalized, I will have a hospital bill, aftercare costs (prescriptions, follow up visits to the doc, etc) PLUS my monthly insurance premium. I'd rather just pay the hospital bill! But since those who don't sign up are punished financially for it, it's not like I have much choice - that's what I don't like about it.

cm - the NHS has been around for a while. Interesting to hear your take on it. I suspect it is weighed down with bureaucracy.

You wrote, "it fosters a citizenry that is criminally complacent about personal responsibility for its own health" Could you expand on that??

Margeaux - I love Canada's system. Here in Alberta we have Alberta Health Care. It provides "full coverage for medically necessary* physician and some specific dental and oral surgical health services, " Things like mammograms, bone density tests, lab tests, hospitalization are covered fully. You just produce your AB health card and pay nothing, As well, I have Blue Cross which costs me about $60 a month and covers some dental, vision, P/T and more which supplements AB Health Care. When you work, you get can Blue cross through your employer, at reduced cost. When a senior you automatically get free basic Blue Cross, but can buy more services if you want to. My main concerns are dental and vision and it is worthwhile it for me for those two to get extra coverage. You can chose whatever physician and dentist etc. you want and change them when you want to.

glad - you make a very god point about caregivers needing help for their medical care

sandwich - there seem to be such opposing experiences and views, but I suppose that is politics, and I agree about not debating them here. I am glad it is working for you, though that does not seem to be the case for everyone

Austin - I agree with working to maintain wellness. It is easier on you and cheaper for the system.

Me - sorry that your daughter's eval wasn't clearer. I hope they can help her in school, and that you get some help with your son's behaviour. How is that medical problem you have that you mentioned earlier? Also sorry to hear that your dads CHF is not so good. The dogs sound very destructive. I am sure that obedience training can help.

theyoungest - you can't stop them. My sis fits that description to an extent though she is very calm and sweet in the surface to those she wants to be. I am sorry she is taking it out on your mum. My sis would throw anything at me she could to get her own way. What Austin said is good. I hope you can see your mum and try to put the rest aside, however nasty it is. You can't change someone, just how you deal with them and often there are no great solutions. ((((hugs)))

Feeling better today. Last night for supper G got a frozen shepherd's pie, but I made a nice big salad to go with it. Will do better today. Going to marinade a pork loin for tonight, & bake acorn squash. Made turkey soup with the broth from the necks - yum. G butchered the antelope quarter this morning, so we have a few roasts in the freezer, and threw the main bone out for the critters. I hope this one tastes better than the last one. It had a very strong flavour, apparently due to the sage they eat.

Hope everyone is having a good day.