The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad, I’m doing the same thing. Frustrating see the Same thread taking up a whole page.

I've been on vacation this week getting a few needed things done here at home. Cases of corona have spiked higher than they were in mid March when we shut down. 130 confirmed today! I’m not looking forward going back to work. Stay safe everyone.

Golden, another issue with each post to a thread appearing in my newsfeed, this morning the first page of my newsfeed was 95% from one thread. I did unfollow there might be future posts to that thread that might be different from what was already posted. But, very doubtful.

On the first page of my feed it would be helpful to see what has been said on other threads of interest. I will have to unfollow more new threads in order to access other followed thread.

There used to be data in the newsfeed that actually provided an idea how many additional posts had appeared since I last commented. If I was I interested then I could go read. Now I have to search multiple pages to find comments to other threads of interest.

Duck, what is your plan about your eye? Are you going to an ER or seeing your ophthalmologist first thing tomorrow? Those are the only two choices.

Go to Woodhull. They have an opthamology residency program, so there will be someone on call for emergencies.



(((((Hugs)))))))

Duck, first things first. Get yourself to Emergency and get your eye looked at. You don't want to play with your vision. The rest can wait.

I'm praying for you. (((((HUGS))))

Talk about depression, my front side tooth cap broke off a few minutes ago. So here I am crying over my life changes, my mothers deterioration which had me going bad today. I laid in bed trying to get a nap in before I set back out for work and just felt like crying all day. Then I am limping all the time from this groin and hip and on top of that I am getting flashes of light one eye which could be a retinal detachment.

I have no doubt that many many somebodies have it much worse. Today I could not get my mother to leave the bathroom and eat. I fed her good this morning when I came in and I left her snacks in fridge and heated her food but could not get her to come and eat. I know I cant count on anyone but myself or expect anyone else to care. The guardianship is in place temporarily. But until help comes in do I spend my life feeling guilty for things I cant handle or deal with.

I was on my knees praying three different times today. I know I will make it through this one way or another its just to hard on my heart and my spirit. Oh yeah!! I',m strong. I sometimes wish a had a real shoulder to lean on or a nice hug from someone who understands and truly has my back. Sometimes I just feel so lonely and lost and afraid that what's around the corner is even worse.

I have friends and aquiantences, but there is no one going through this situation with my mother with me. So glad I can come here and vent a little. Thanks

I'm even losing my smile.

One day I hope to post how beautiful things are in my life. Right now I appreciate kind gestures sometimes to much but I dont have anyone to go to bat for me like I have done for others.

Rays of love to all. Good night.

Greetings, everyone! I hope everyone is in good spirit and health. The past few weeks have been on the ruff side, especially with court developements. Meetings with the Guardianship case manager, the court date kept changing. Then there was finally a conference between lawyers and Judge on the 9th. On the 8th I received a copy of my sisers petition for guardainship from her lawyer. It was full of lies, and I learned she was retired which made things so much more worse in my heart because it made it that much worse to know she was home doing nothing, with or for my mother. She had actualy stopped bringing her coffee or breakfast in the last week.

What did make me happy and sad was that the halls were cleaned except my floor which was the first on either my nephew or sisters part since my mother bought the house. Then they did the dining room and living room and of course there was retalition, My lawn chair was tossed. I dont think I will find another like it, the plaid like weave, nylon folding chair, light as a feather and sturdy.

I did manage to plant the yard garden. Some plants have died already. I caint remember names but they were perninials and planted in a pot under tree branches. They looked burnt, oh well, it was fun, cleaned the whole yard of leaves and those horrible spike balls from the tree in all the hard to reach places.
My neighbor helped out. Acutally we went to get plants together.


Okay so later learned my sister lawyer says she isopen for the outside guardianship. What a waste of time and money. I asked to make sure the lawyer isnt paid with my mother's finances. She only pursued guardianship because she thought it was me petioning. Her lawyer could have made it clear but I guess he didnt. If she was legitimate she would have stood her ground. I think that work that the guardian requested was an eye opener.

Then I had to sign up with new agency as the old one dropped my client. We had to use two agencies to fill schedule and they didnt want to work with another agency. Anyways it was stressful getting all the necessary forms and work in. Blessing in disquise I think, we get health insurance after 6 months. This is first week I dont know details also a small raise!!

So the thing is that I am still depressed, still angry about my sisters neglect and farce of care. Wondering if this is all there is in life for me, I dread the thought of my mother passing on, of finding her one day. It hurts my heart to see her confusion as I clean up the messes. Its also frustrating that I forget to take frozen food upstairs sometimes and come down to find it thawed out and mutilated.

So sometimes I find myself hugging my mother hard, scared to lose her and baffled at the difference between this fragile, demented person who was once so hateful towards me as I did the same thing I do now.

I was getting a ride back and forth with client father. But with the protests and haveing to detour and heavy traffic it all ended. He picks me up at trainstation which is last stop on my train and this still saves me an hour of travel and I get a longer sleep period. Still an issue with trying to get my mother to eat. Sometimes she just gets stuck on an outside focus.

I keep hope and faith that things get better in my life and easier. Maybe even a sincere companion at some point through and after resolvement of this pandemic and this seemingly world wide movement towards something new and I hope good,

So, still I rise and I limp through my days and the interrmittent pain in my groin and hip, trying to keep hope and love alive in my heart and spirit. Trying not to become bitter or make my self sick from how I process the cumulative affect of pain and life experiences.

So I try to find goodness in everything, the boomerang effect of kindness and respect uplifts my spirit.

((HUGS)) to all. Smile!! Rays of love.

Golden part of the purpose of numerous place sets from the same thread is so you can see who liked your comment or answer. Silly if you ask me.

But, absolutely agree with you it is ridiculous to see every new post to a thread in the newsfeed. It drives me nuts. I do not need to see every comment and have started to unfollow when a thread responses start to become redundant.

I noticed that too Golden & I do the same as you, unfollow the thread.

I just click on my avatar and then profile to check for messages. It is easy for them to be lost.

They seem to have arranged things so that every answer/comment to something you are following shows up which can be a pain as you get a string of posts from the same question/discussion. I tend to unfollow the topic then. I don't think it was like that before.

Click on your avatar and then click on profile, you may have to scroll down if you are using a phone, but that is where your massages are.

Trying right next, right side, of newsreel is a drop Down that says, until you change it, "ALL ACTIVITY" that can be changed to messages. There used to be a setting in notifications that would send you an email when you received a message. I looked and looked, it seems they have taken that option away.

What type of device are you using?

This is one of those times it would be wonderful to be able to post images within our responses.

I routinely clean up my news feed by unfollowing threads that take up a lot of space (look for the three dots to the right of each comment) - I figure if they are generating that many comments they don't need my advice any more, and I can always check in if I want through the main forum.

I think the news feed is the only notification available? Problem with that is things get buried in a short while with all the feeds coming in. I'm not seeing any other drop down menu except under my avatar and there is no messages link. Am I missing another drop down?

thanks Glad!

And, there is a drop down on the right side of this page. One of the selections is "Messages".

Yes, trying you can adjust your notification settings, click your avatar, where you will find options.. Your Newsfeed should also notify you of a new message.

Is there a way to be notified if someone writes a message to me? I am so sorry to those who have written me messages in the past and did not get a response! I didn't see them!

Pasa - Do what you know you must. ignore the naysayers.

Pasa18,

Go ahead and do what you think is write as well as best for your own health. You are important too.

NotryDo - I am question being "The Caregiver" much longer. Yesterday my mother (who is stable and standing while on home hospice) dismantled a trellis for plants I spent my precious me time putting together. It's symbolic of our relationship. I can't help but look back at whatever I've built that makes me happy, she will take down somehow. Even in her apparent last days. I've always had to move away to feel my life. So hard at this point but seems necessary. I discussed revoking hospice since she is stable and placing mom in memory care which was the plan late last year and the usual wave of blame is expected from the no help family members.

duck - lots of difficult things for you again or perhaps still would be more appropriate. Wish things were better for you. The retaliation is nasty. And losses coming back...Look after yourself as best you can. You deserve it! Psalm 37 is good. Glad some cleaning got done by the others.

martz - welcome - sorry you had a difficult day. Breathing exercises are good for stress relief and prayers too. One of my constant meditations is around "Be still and know that I am God". It comforts me. Take care of you. Care giving is tough and this covid crisis makes life much tougher.

Group cyber (((((((hug)))))) everyone. I know hugs are something many of us are missing. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

I’ve had a difficult day. I’m sorry some of you have as well. Sometimes I think we are all just so stressed out we take it out on each other. I did my breathing exercises, said my prayers. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day

Hi all I hope everyone is in a good place and if not that things get better. I have been trying to keep up.

Trying, Hummingbird, I am wishing you all the best and strength and wisdom. Posting here will give you a plethera of help. Someone, somewhere in this forum will be able to impact your life for the better.

Its happend to me several times, these oldtimers are awesome and generous with the pearls of wisdom, sometimes painful but definitely good.

As for me, I am just coming out of a whirlwind. The Guardian case manager ms.G. got intouch with twisted and her son they ended up moping the whole hall of course they excluded my floor, with all the old cat vomit over years. The retaliation was they threw out a coat I had hanging on hall rack. A few days laters I came in and found they had throughly mopped the dining area and living room, the cost, my lawn chair that sat in gate area, I dont even see any chairs like it anymore. You know the nylon plaid like folding chairs.

So I was in a very bad, sad and angry place. I mean we are dealing with this pandemic, a dangerous leader, and now the rioting, and protesting. Its like the world has gone crazy, almost like the turmoil in my heart is in the world.

Losing another dear person in my heart. Today is Deb's birthday, Sham's kids had a fire in the stove fire department had to come luckily the oldest called my aunt who told them the father had gone to store and told them to wait to heat up pizza. It caught on fire smoked up the whole apartment bilding.

I come home to find stupid stuff. They swept and cleaned halls took chair from inside vesitvble between the gatedoor and entrance and then swept a small bunch of trash over drain in the middle of the space. I kicked it away from drain. I used the chair (been in same spot over 20 years) to sit in front of house for ride to work. They threw that in hall so I got it and left it where its always been I come home and its gone and that pile right back in middle of the drain. the enemy is busy.

So now I want to retaliate, Im angry, Jean always told me to read the 37th psalm for years and I did so I laid down today and read it. Later it dawns on me they threw away my hurricane mop pail months ago. and now look they moped all the halls and living room and dinning area. Karma. And that dining area is where they threw the plush velour comforter my son sent my mother and squandered it with cat mess, it smelled terrivble. well that was the main area to cleanin the dinning area. So looking at it in this angle eased up all that was building up in my heart, I was begining to taste hate. I guess another form of brokeness I am glad its gone. I prayed. I hope and pray all of you have the loads eased of your hearts. and that if you are going through something that it gets better.

These people hurting us and in possibly trrying to destroy us are mentally ill and puppets for the enemy. Some of the things seem surreal. We have to pray and keep praying for the world, oursleves and each other. We have to fight the good fight, like so many on board here have been doing for years and years and years, thats why I am here..
Be safe and be strong, and smile with your eyes like the toddler do. It goes a long way and then comes right back to us.

Hi hummingbird - many here will understand your situation. I remember when my mother first became paranoid. It was one of the signs that something was definitely wrong. It sounds pretty frustrating for you. I gather she has had difficult behaviour before in her life - that what is happening now is not entirely new.

Has your mother actually been assessed for Alzheimers? Has she had an evaluation to see if she is safe living alone? Her doctor can arrange that. It sounds to me like she is not capable of making a plan so it is up to family members to do that. Whether or not she cooperates is another thing. I am sorry your siblings are not supportive. I know that one well. It may be time to consider placement in a facility. That may be best arranged together with her doctor after a neuropsych or geriatric psych assessment. It sounds to me like she is not capable of living independently any more.

My mother was always difficult. I had POA. My sis was critical. I found once professionals were involved the right things started to happen and it wasn't my fault.

(((((Hugs)))) to you. I know this is a very tough journey.

Reading things here I see others are in the same place and I appreciate having this outlet. Thank you.

I've had my Mom with me for 10 weeks and we are all more than ready to transition back to living separate lives. I am her POA and take that seriously. Someone posted about the GEMS Brain Change Model. She is definitely an emerald - her brain is changing and sometimes she sees it and other times doesn't think there is anything wrong. She is forgetting important things and not able to register that she's forgotten. She is so stressed and depressed making it worse. She also has periods of paranoia and accuses me of doing things I would never do. Then she picks on my daughter.

She regularly says she will "just shut up" after she says something that comes out mean and insulting. Then at the next opportunity she will say something mean or insulting. When I cook she automatically comes in and starts to unload the dish rack and needs access to the counters and drawers that I am standing in front of while cooking. Then argues that she must unload the sink or there will be no place for the dishes, then gets upset because she's trying to help, then says the same thing -" I'll just get out of the way". Later when I'm not even in the kitchen she'll do awkward things and nonsensical things in the name of staying out of my way. It's a daily loop.

I am concerned about sending her home without a plan. She lives alone and independently in the fraser health region which has high cases. She is convinced it is safe for her to take the bus. She needs to make multiple appointments but there is always something pressing to stop her. She thinks her neighbours will continue to help her shop and get around when what she needs is to hire someone for the job. I even have someone lined up that we both interviewed last year when she had her knee replacement. We didn't hire her as I ended up taking 3 weeks off work to nurse her then bringing her home with me for another 3 weeks to continue her care and return to work and my daughter.

I am torn. If she wants to run around on the bus and alienate her neighbours by using them then it's her choice, her life. If she wants to continue to neglect the physio for her knee replacement and pain then it's her choice. If she wants to miss conversations because she won't get a hearing aid, it's her choice. If she doesn't' eat properly, continues to overindulge in high sugar foods and gets diabetes (she told me she was borderline after her last visit in 2019 but now denies it) it's her life. If she ends up in a situation where I have to make quick decisions to donate her household things because I can't take the time to go through it all it is a consequence of her actions. If she needs to be in the hospital due to her health it's her consequence. If she needs to be whisked into a nursing home when she reaches a point of being a danger and has a hard time adjusting or never adjusts - it's her life. If I can't find her the right place at the last moment she could be living in a residential hell. She did that to my grandma - she lost her teeth from falling after being overmedicated, she had her things stolen from a locked ward, she wasn't cleaned properly and had terrible mouth sores, on it goes.

She has rarely been kind to me and tries to pay me off for her guilt. I don't want her money because I don't need it and secondly know that my sisters are waiting to swoop down accuse me of stealing. I have no doubt they will be a heavy burden when it comes down to putting mom in care or worse reading her will. I want nothing. I'm happy to wash my hands of it all.

In the end, I will pay the price. If she doesn't want to be a burden she needs to let me help her make decisions for her next stage of life. She needs assistance for shopping, cooking, making sure she eats, paying bills, socializing. She doesn't see it at all. If I send her home and something happens it's my fault.

There is no one else to help.

Ideas? Advice?

Golden - So glad the kitties are safe n sound

trying - my kitties are all about freedom. They were born on a farm and seriously resisted being caught. Pumpkin is a friendly nature and loooves food so she adapted easily, Rocky was furious she was caught and came hissing and biting and covered in mats. I think she had 20 on her back, She will eat dry food and treats but we can't lure her with food as we can Pumpkin. It took a lot of work and patience"wooing" her and slowly she settled down and now she is more cuddly than her sister, They are great companions. but must go out and hunt bugs, climb trees and stalk birds. Their mother is a great mouser.

gershun - glad grey rocking works (for now, at least). Red flags tend to get ignored at the beginning of relationships. The origin of the unrest is very sad and disturbing as is the unrest. Prayers - good idea. I will join you in that. God hears every prayer.

Kitties safe downstairs with their supper. 😽😽 I can breathe easy!

Golden, you are right. Chaos was not what I had in mind when I first met my hubs. Although the signs were there and I chose to ignore them. I'm grey rocking. It seems to work. (For now at least)

I've been glued to my t.v. watching all the unrest. Let's all pray about it. Maybe our collective prayers can help.🙏

Thank you Golden. I hear your concern over the kitties but I think you are right. Some cats need to be outdoors. They would be miserable otherwise, Our kitty on the other hand will not step foot outside. She was an inner city rescue cat and was nearly starved when my son got her. No grand adventures for her, she is all about food and comfort :)

Gershun - Catastrophizers are exhausting people. You are wise to ignore DH's behaviors as best you can.

Glad and Golden - I can understand being relieved that your Mom's passed before this pandemic. I worry everyday about Mom getting the virus.

gershun -that obviously isn't what attracted you to him in the first place.

trying - thanks for posting that you are on an emotional roller coaster ride. Me too and it's not fun. Sorry to hear about your mum and sis. Not surprised you have reached the end of your line with your sis. She has been very difficult all along and "enough is enough". Mum is in good hands but it is still hard.

glad - I too am so relieved that mother passed before the covid crisis.

everyone - I expect most of us have a degree of the roller coaster ride. The restrictions and uncertainties are difficult to live with. I find that things that normally frustrate or annoy me or cause anxiety are magnified. I need to remember if it is about dealing with another person that they are likely feeling the same way. I also need to let go of things over which I have no control -always a good thing to do and more important now.

The kitties are a good diversion, but now I have a worry over them. I have seen what I thought was a fox gong up or down the road in front of the house, and maybe it was, but last night the animal running in the gutter across from the house clearly was a coyote. There obviously are some good "pickings" up the street from me as this seems to be a regular trip. Recently the kitties have been very good about coming in abut 8 pm for their supper and bedtime. As long as that continues I have no worries. Before the kitties we had, over time, 4 cats here of which 2 disappeared. That's not great odds if the disappearance was due to coyotes or foxes. I can't see keeping them in - they were born outside and love it so. I've never have indoor cats. I guess they need an enclosed catio.