The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

sharyn, the cat issue is something where both sides are right. Cats should be able to roam, but they have a habit of killing things. People get upset with their birds, squirrels, and other wildlife being killed. We have 5-10 stray and domestic cats that visit our yard each day. It is like a war zone out their for the birds and chipmunks. Most of the chipmunks are killed each year.

I never have thought of trapping a cat, since I like them. However, it does upset me when I see a well-fed cat with a dead squirrel or chipmunk in its mouth. And I get upset when I see a tuft of bird feathers laying on the ground. These are such a needless deaths of animals that enjoyed living. The cat isn't to blame. It is in its nature.

I do like the idea of indoor cats and catios. Cats can live good lives without killing other animals around them. I love birds and squirrels, so dread the thought of the herd of cats that visit the yard daily.

Well... Im a wreck! All is the same if not worse actually. Health wise for all, mental wise for son, trying to figure this all out. Well before I told you all ,son made it harder to work with his violence, tantrums I couldnt leave the house. I started looking for a job, then added to my plate beyond full time care for grandpa.. Have to leave both to work..ha couldnt!! So I cant mentally do this Im physically and mentally getting worse. The answer...

Im willing to work 2 jobs to pay SOMEONE ELSE to handle some of my sons issues and my grandpa can pay for his caregivers. If grandpa gets mad and takes away the house or kids funds, I just have to take the chance.. ( ill get a trailer somehow)Does this make me a bad mom/person? Maybe. They can come to the home and get my kids for school and deal with any issues, they can help them with homework and cook dinner for the family the days Im not here. I will come home and tuck all in. I will help my family and love them and spend quality time with them attempting to have fun during days off and making memories and being their mom and granddaughter not their constant punching bag and not having to have screaming matches. If they dont like it.. well, to bad!!! Im in prison with the bars closing more in..like its all going to just make me pop when they reach each other... I hate this feeling. Its a maze... My son tells me to go to h$&&.. I tell him Im already there. I know, wrong reply but its the truth.

I just told grandpa If I have to work 3 jobs to pay for help I will! That means he needs help while Im working! Ok ok, unless its 3 part time jobs no way otherwise !! Or full and part etc... I love them but not going to the Dr, not being able to stick to a diet ( stress eater) not being able to register my daughter at school because my son is home today... oh no. Im not abandoning them, Im just spending time with them as a working person would. I love them but I cant do this alone or Im going to have a complete nervous breakdown and to be honest.. Im headed that way...

One and only one bright side, grandpa FINALLY is wearing his alert!!!!!!!

Sorry again about just venting I will be reading and supporting you all soon, hugs

Joan- I am sorry about your daughters cat...we can only do so much to keep them safe...I really thought tiger would be ok to be out during the day.

Yes Joan..we talked a lot about our dysfunctional childhood. It is a common subject when we talk. I have been avoiding her partly because she wont answer her phone and because she has turned against my husband since the phone texting with Kate. BTW Kate is back on fb. While I appreciate her support...she tends to take the situation on as her own...a very common thing that happens in dysfunctional families where we take on other peoples issues.

Margeaux- maybe the cat trapping is just here in the SJ valley. It has been going on for about 20 years now. Became very much in the media because people were angry about strays and neighbor cats in their yards.

Yesterday, I also cooked my Quince.
I had several recipes to make my preserves. I left the cores and skins in as suggested on one. The whole process was interesting, and it came out good.
At the end of the process I added some rose water to it.

I was nervous I must admit about the canning part of the process....sterilizing the jars. I just took precautionary measures, and it came out fine. I boiled three small size jars, for about 10 mins. Then I put them and lids in the oven at 200 degrees for another 10 mins., to dry. I totally understand this sterilization process, since I once was brewing Kombucha in my kitchen. Now for Kombucha......one must be super careful about mold. I miss them, need to get some more, because they are another healing food, for sure.

The one thing I would have to improve upon with the Quince as I did remove the seeds, once they were cooked, and even rinsed the Quince to make sure any
gritty material was gone. My end product still had some of the gritty bits in it, not too bad, but it's still there.
I don't mind this, but I'm waiting for my husband to probably find that a bit of a problem. Oh.....there is a reason for leaving the cores, thus seeds in because this part of the Quince contains pectin, interesting. I kind of felt like I was in a lab yesterday in my kitchen. So now I'm inspired to make some chutney, next.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sorry,

"some of you," second cup of Joe, quick!

Margeaux

So I made my broth and it was delicious. I did just immediately turn it into a soup for dinner, though. Really dinner being my husband's main meal.......his hunger does kick in, so I must make more if I think I'm going to keep some on reserve.

I did notice the difference in the quality from simmering it, about 5.5 hrs.
Next time I'm aiming for the 8 hrs. I may have to invest in a crock pot, as I've heard dome of you say you make it in that. Yesterday, I looked in my freezer, and found some beef bones, and trimmings. My neighbor gave me some a couple mos.
ago, and I made some stew. So that is next!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

It helped me sleep very comfortably.

Sharynmarie,

I'm so glad that your cat was foundl
This is odd......trapping cats. We have two adopted cats,
belong to neighbors and they've made our yard their stomping grounds.
One is Fluffy, who just hangs out on a divider by our window. Other times he hangs out on a small wall. The other one, Pucci is the more recent one. I haven't seen him for a few days, now either. Last time we saw him, something was going on with his right eye, he was squinting alot. If your kitty came to visit me, I'd made friends with him.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

butterfly - I hear you. I have to be very careful what I say around my sis as she will use it against me. Window crayons and not clean them off!!!! Very inconsiderate

Hi toxic - Happy Thanksgiving to you. You did a good thing walking away from your dysfun fam, I know it isn't easy but it will get easier, the change in holidays gets easier and so on. Life never stays the same anyway - the kids grow up and have their own holidays, we get older and can't do as much - there is always change. ((((hugs)))) I am glad you are looking after you.

NYDIL - that is surely the truth that dysfun fams try to hide their dysfunctions, but eventually they do come out if you are around them long enough. Glad those insights help you.

gladimhere - sounds like court is sorting things out on the whole. I would say you are vindicated! Great! You needed something to come your way. Was there anything done about your mother's money the TSs spent on lawyers? The guardian has been very good for you - hope you can keep her around. Getting away for a few days over Thanksgiving should be very good for you. You do need a life and with recent events it will have to be rebuilt.

Sharyn - sounds like you and your sis did have things to talk about. Oh yes, things get swept under the rug or denied altogether. It may not be easy keeping your cat in, especially once he has been used to being out. I hope he adjusts. Rocky, my daughter's cat who was so sick, stayed in for a while, but wanted out, so finally she let him out, and he must have gotten into the lilies again as the same thing happened to his kidneys and they had to put him down. :(

Have a good day everyone. (((((hugs))))

I've seen it Sharyn - very cute.

I watched a video online about a cat dubbed as the primal " cat burglar". A camera was set up in front of the cat owners home for 2 weeks. During that time their cat brought home neighbors work gloves children's shoes stuffed toys and many other items the neighbors left outside. It all happened at night. The cats owners put all the neighbors belongings in their front yard and invited everyone over to retrieve their missing items. It is a cute video...look it up if you have time.

It is very common for people here to use these traps to get rid of cats. Many people have issues with cats using their gardens for a bathroom and generally they have no pets of any kind. There has been people who have tried to get ordinances passed that cats must be on a leash but it has never been passed into law. Many years ago a feral cat had kittens in our garage and the city would not come to get them. We had to trap the mother and the babies then take to the pound. Unfortunately people will move and leave their cats behind. That is what happened to Tiger when my daughter found him in an apartment complex. 10 years ago.

CM-I have no idea who this neighbor is...the people at the pound are not allowed to give their name out..all they said is a neighbor on the street that crosses my street.

tiger will adjust to being indoors...he was an indoor Kitty some years ago.

CM in the US it is common practice to have indoor cats. I was horrified when we first came here but later had both inside and outside having been blessed with amny drop offs on the farm. Now I have one indoor kitty. So Sharyn's T.iger will do just fine indoors.

Sharyn, are you otherwise on good terms with this particular neighbour - the catnapper, I mean? I'm just wondering whether you could give him a mug shot of your cat so that he can return him to you instead of wasting a trip to the pound and the time, trouble and expense for all concerned. I mean to say, really - it's a bit extreme, isn't it? People do get their knickers in a twist about cats in the garden. Why doesn't the silly man borrow a dog for a few days, or use a water pistol if he absolutely has to. Anyway. I hope you can ask him nicely and he calms down a bit. Your poor little boy can't stay indoors forever.

My Tiger Kitty is soaking up lots of love and attention from me right now....he is on my lap purring and licking my arms. He does want out...but he can no longer go out as I have been letting him out during the day but keeping him in at night. He got caught in the neighbors trap early Wednesday morning. Now that I know someone is trapping cats in the neighborhood, having tags or micro chipping him will not stop him getting trapped and taken to the pound as $30 a pop to get him out will get expensive. I will get a harness/leash hopefully he will adjust to getting walks outside.

NYdaughter~My sis and I just discussed that very thing last night...the hiding of the dysfunction, hiding/sweeping things under carpet while knowing it was wrong,...yet, as you said....appearances for dysfunctional people is very important...with my mother especially, it was about what will the neighbors think or my co-workers. The majority that she hid....was normal stuff that all families go through..but my mom wanted/demanded perfection.

Glad~I am happy that you are coming out looking as the person we knew you have been all along....one with integrity and saying the truth. I am so sorry you have had to go through this first, second the fire, and third, losing your best friend "J". I know that dealing with the up coming holidays is going to be hard and last thing you want to have to provide a dinner for, however how small it may be.I do hope that you can find some peace in all this and build on that from here on out. Blessing to you and {{{{HUGS}}}}.

Things have been crazy and I hate the holidays coming. My house is not livable, my best friend passed two weeks ago. And dealing with that the day after the court hearing started. Finished testimony a week ago tomorrow. The judge's decision was issued today. I am ok with most of it. The most important thing is that Mom will continue to remain in her home for the forseeable future as long as I am here to care for her. You might remember that TS's placed a deposit on an apartment for Mom and hubby to share a year ago without mentioning it to him ever! TS#2 is to request the deposit back.

There is some of my testimony that really got messed up. But, bottom line is that conservator has lost most of her duties. The only thing that remains is a monthly review of expenses that is to be prepared by TS#2, mom's designated POA. She is also supposed to put togeter accountings of the trust from its beginning. Account for lapsed long term care policy, and missing account. I have been asking for this info for 2.5 years and she has refused to supply it. Hmmmm, wonder why. The judge ordered she have all of this done within 60 days. Too long if you ask me, but we domhave the freaking holidays to contend with as well. I will be documenting everything now very closely as far as when I tell her something needs to be done and completion if it is. She is also to pay me for about two years of caring for Mom and some reimbursements. So, all in all everything ok and judge kind of smart, setting up for breach of fiduciary duty... Time will tell.

One item not happy about is that guardian will not be doing geriatric care management any longer. Have talked about keeping her for L's purposes which will keep her involved and keeping track of Mom too during monthly visits and an occasional cup of coffee.

Regular Saturday caregiver has a housesitting job over Thanksgiving in a small town about an hour east of here. Will go there for four days over the holiday, help her feed and exercise the horses, watch movies and have a nice Thanksgiving dinner. Outside caregiving over a holiday is quite expensive, but I guess TS#2 will have to figure out if she will stay with folks, or hire it done. She would much rather I provide cheap care. No longer. I have a bit of life to live.

I think a lot of families try hard to hide the dysfunction. But it's there! And as parents age, it goes on display as they become less and less able to maintain the veneer of perfection. My in-laws are in their 80s now but seemed so "perfect" until not too long ago. Then their "stuff" started happening and quick, and those of us who saw them a lot started noticing that they weren't "perfect" at all. Then I realized that they come from a generation for whom keeping up appearances was very important. Once I understood that, I felt so much better about myself, my own marriage and the caregiving decisions that needed to be made and have yet to be.

Hello Everyone, first off I want to say Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

I am checking in with everyone, I am doing great. It has been so peaceful around here. Except for two days. One was when my father showed up at my house. That was okay, I got word he was coming and I was gone. I was told earlier in the day he was coming by to get a few things that belonged to my mother and also he had bought something for my husband, so he was taken that back as well. No problem, I was gone. I left right after that call and did not come home until 4 hrs later. Then that even he called (put mom up to it) to tell me to come over and take my mother to the Er. My husband got the call and told them I was not home (I was not home yet) and to give up that I walked away on my own and he won't get me back over there. Then so many days later one of the sisters called and once again my husband took the call and she was informed to never call again. I have deleted and also blocked all family numbers. I am not stressed out like I use to me. I rest more and also doing things I have needed to do.

I am learning there is more to my life then a family that drags you down. A dysfunctional family that lives on drama.

Last week, I got up and was off from work that day. (business was closed) Got cleaned up and left the house for hours. Hubby knew where I was and so did our kids. I went to the saloon and got a perm. I felt so good afterwards. I had not done anything like that in many years.

If some of you have not read the first time I was here: I am from a dysfunctional family. I was MPOA of parents. I had enough of the abuse that I have received for 50 years. That I have walked off, drop from being MPOA and left my entire family.

It was hard to do, but it was something that had to be done. Now I am learning to live with my husband and kids, with out my other family. But it has been great, but hard.

Well, now the holidays are coming. But I must say, I guess in my heart I have been preparing for this for years. We have not celebrated with other family in years. Only at our house hubby, I, and kids.

Well, time for dinner. Later

Loo loo- he would wear a collar w/tags or I could get him micro chipped.... But it is 30.00 to get him out of the pound

Emjo, Veronica's suggestions were good ones and would work for reasonable people! If I made signs or left notes it would only encourage them...And, how could I have foreseen that the cousin would buy her grandchild window crayons so he could mark up all the glass & then go back to North Carolina without cleaning it off?!?

butterfly - passive aggressive games are very frustrating. I still get amazed too. Would Veronicas suggestions help?

alwayshope - I am so glad you had a good day and that you are finally looking after yourself. It can take something drastic before we do. Hope your hub continues in a good space. I know it reduces your stress considerably. Congratulations on the weight loss and walking 12 miles a week. That is absolutely GREAT!!!!

Veronica - good for you with the cartoon. I know some men who were taught to sit to urinate - saves a lot of work for mums and wives/gfs.

Glad - thinking of you always and wondering how you are. You have had a lot of loss recently added to the stress of the court case and the TWs antics. Take care of you and let us know how you are.

Alison - wondering how things are with your dad and with you. Trust you are still getting more sleep. Any luck with job hunting?

Me - thinking of you and all the challenges and hope you are finding a way out of all that stress to a more workable place.

book - you are a trouper - hope dad is not too aggressive these days

Did a big shopping yesterday. I have a bug of some kind or the FM is acting up with the cold weather, so wrapped in a wool blanket with a heating pad and sleeping off and on. Put pork butt roast with salsa verde in the slow cooker early this morning, so I won't have much to do at supper time. Mother's taxes arrived back for signing - glad to get that out of the way. Have to sign a form for the Ont. gov't pensions and return with copy of POA document. Some of this is a one time effort, so next year should be simpler. On the nearby dysfun fam front, dil asked for another loan, fairly big amount, actually son D did on her behalf. It is for dental work for her and they will get reimbursed by insurance, but need the money up front. I said yes to son, but once I am repaid we are going to have a good chat about their finances and also about the divisions in the family caused by her. Son sounded pretty uncomfortable asking me. I will tell them that I am doing it this time again, but that I will not do it after this. They will have to manage some other way. I am sure she would continue to do this again and again if I allowed, and that is not going to happen, but this gives me a good opportunity to talk to them. She wants to borrow money from me, but doesn't want me to talk about my family in front of her and has a hate on my daughter. Not going to continue this way. I am asking for a reconciliation. I will also point out that I have a car that is 14 years old, and plain, paid off years ago and runs well and they have a relatively new car with lots of bells and whistles. Son D never had money problems before being with her. G is in agreement with this and admires son D's patience with her. I hope he has not bitten off more than he can chew. She once spent money foolishly so they didn't have grocery money. One way to lose weight! ;) This branch of the emjo bank is closing. Funny, ever since I was a child I loaned money, and always got it back - like I mean out of my piggy bank. I have always been good at saving and am thankful. I see that in my oldest grandson, too.

everyone - take care and do something good for you today.

Sharyn, would your cat wear a collar w/tags?

Gosh, Sharyn - hope he is safe now. It is hard to confine a cat. Hope it doesn't happen again.

Margeaux - re the breast feeding - all part of the dysf fam. I was not breast fed - the explanation was that she was nursing my sister and then got pregnant with me unexpectedly which affected her milk, so she figured she couldn't/wouldn't nurse me either. Made no sense. I think it is the basis for my allergies too. Breast fed babies have better immune systems.

People in California do not like cats coming in their yards so the rent traps to trap them and take to the pound. Many are feral cats.

Sharyn I am so glad you have him back. Why on earth did your neighboor trap him and take him to the pound?

pam, veronica, book - Pam gave a great recipe for broth. The more complicated recipe is for bone broth which has more nutrients. They are two different broths. :)

He was trapped by a neighbor and taken to the pound. He is home now.

My cat has been missing since early yesterday morning. It has been raining all night and he never stays out in the rain. I afraid something happened and he won't be back.