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Book, Me1000 - I've been thinking about new possibilities lately, too... if I know that my father cannot eat/drink orally, and he does while I'm in the home, would that be considered any kind of abuse? He already said something about making sure I don't steal his money in front of home nurse one time, but I know there is nothing to that accusation and just let it roll off me. He rarely says anything like that, and his bank statements are in a file for his review anytime he wants to look at them.

It really stinks that, sometimes, working our butts off and being there for elders means we may face accusations or verbal/emotional abuse at times. Coming here to vent to those who understand is a great gift - one of the few bright spots and supportive places available.

So, yeah... I've been running those concerns over in my head a little. I know that my family is in a place now where they just EXPECT that I will stay on here and keep caring for my father for as long as it takes. I don't think that's "fair" but I also realize I've given them no reason to think otherwise. By my actions, I keep "telling" all of them, my dad included, that I'm going to keep doing this. I'm really hoping my time with therapist each week might help me figure out how to handle the position I'm in, and resolve how to achieve my own life and still get appropriate care for my dad.

(((((Big Hugs))))) to everyone. Have a great day.
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Me100, I'm not ignoring you by not commenting on your situation. Unfortunately, when I read yours, I think of my dad one day reaching that stage when he accuses me and calls the cops on me for stealing his money. I think this is my deepest fear at the moment. Exceeds my depression or unhappiness of life. I'm just fearing for the future even though I tell myself that I have the receipts - except for his steady monthly spending money of $200. Sis doesn't keep track of the money he gives out to bummers (neighbors who ask to borrow and will pay back - and never do.) So, most times when you comment, I just cannot read your words. Hits too close to him. Unfortunately, this thread has that effect on me.
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Glad, {{Hugs}} with regards to J. I'm sure J, even with the brain swelling, was there in spirit hearing you. I wonder if inside, he was rolling his eyes as you recounted what the Ts did in court. // I chuckled as I imagined J's brother's look of aghast as you recounted the court session. He must of thanked god that it wasn't in his court what the Ts did. Then again, I'm sure he must have lots of 'dumb things people do in court' stories.
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Veronica, i thought exactly the same thing. She wanted to record so that she could remember the lies she told. That way she will tell the same lies again or figure out how to cover them up. A very good lesson, NEVER lie, it is too difficult to remember what you had said.

Told J about what happened yesterday, dont know how much information he was able to process due to brain swelling. But, he was very supportive of me through all of this sibling crap. J's brother is a judge. So, I told him some of the bizarre occurrences of yesterday. He was aghast, ts's 30 minutes late, recording own testimony, outburst in courtroom by ts1 during guardian's testimony, ts2 wanted continuance because she had to catch a plane to san fran for fun! Sure, sure everybody change their schedule to meet her needs because she wanted to hear entire guardian testimony. The entire thing was unbelievable!
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Glad-i am so sorry for your loss. Sending (((Hugs))) to you.
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(((((((hugs))))) and my deepest sympathies, glad.
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J passed tonight about 4 hours after i got here. Thank you everyone.
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Alison - I am glad your dad has his tube and that there are plans for a skilled nursing facility, You and he are going through some big changes. It must be a relief for you to have that support. ((((hugs)))) Now take some time for you. This is a big thing to adjust to.

Me - no need to answer every one. I am picking up, thank you.

butterfly - I know the feeling. For me it is usually the calm before the storm. Hope the calm lasts for you.

glad - thinking of you and J, and hoping your visit is going well, or as well as possible.

Margeaux and Jessie - maybe after all I am glad I don't have brothers. Mother would have totally ruined them.

book - hope your health is holding up and dad is not too difficult

I am not doing much - trying to get up some steam for the move when it comes. Mother's shopper (D) will take her out on Wednesday and let me know how it went. I appreciate that. The plan is once a week for now. I think D will see a positive difference.

Heading back to E'ton for the weekend for some "us" time with G and dinner theatre. Have hardly seen him the last month as he has been away on business much more than usual. "Unfortunately", he knows more than some of his colleagues, so they call on him. Hope my gut behaves - have to be careful with what I eat.

Sharyn, Austin, cm, juju, judda, veronica, everyone ((((hugs))))) Look after you.
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Glad, I hope you're getting through this crazy period ok. At least something is moving along...? Big hugs.

My dad got a feeding tube today. I also got a call from social worker and we discussed having him go to skilled nursing facility... temporarily... until he is used to the idea that he cannot eat/drink orally until something changes. I'm so relieved. I knew if he came home, he would eat/drink immediately and there would be nothing I could do.

So much going on! With me and many others -- glad, Me1000, sharyn... and I know the rest of you are fighting your battles in your corner of the world. Sending many hugs, and much support.
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Glad TS#2 had to record her testimony so she could remember which lies she had told.
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Don't worry butterfly darling, things can change in an electrical impulse!
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So quiet & friendly with me today...makes me nervous!
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Thank you all I know Im just cracking up here. I am just exhausted and day by day it gets worse, kids refusal to school etc. Thank you all for advice and support. Im sorry Im not addressing each one back from your advice Im just taking everything in. I just dont want to make anymore mistakes

*******Glad- I really hope things settle for you, you need to rest.

*******jujubean-I would love to go, but cant. I hope you can get some time to relax, ill be with you in spirit :)

******* sharynmarie- Your a stronger person then I for sure. You also need some you time! I know easier said then done, we all are gonna have to figure a way to gain strength and get passed this smoother.

********emjo23-Hope your feeling better today :)

********Countrymouse,bookluvr, Margeaux, Alison, everyone else Hows everything?
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And big hugs back to you, Margeaux. Our gold may be bronze, but bronze is tougher than gold.

My brother has left now, so the stress level of the house is down. I've never figured out why so much effort is put into having one of the golden kids come, because they really don't want or expect it. I agree it has a lot to do with gender -- not trying to offend any men in the group. It is the way it used to be with women, and still is for many.
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Jessebelle,

Your description of your brothers emotionally speaking sounds exactly like mine.
I do care for them as brothers, and all that good stuff. But I must admit as you've stated......at times my relationship with them is of "polite strangers."
I think that the more one has been raised in a family where either parent has employed the "golden child," favoritism method, divide and conquer, etc. is going to be the big marker later on in life as to how siblings deal with one another. I know that pain all too well. The unfavored ones, or the ones that didn't get our needs met, become like the background music. Yet, and I am addressing this in terms of gender inequality, since you're a woman, my sister and myself have always been thee ones in the family of which there have always been way more expectations.

You get a great big bear hug from me,
HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Glad I am part Norwegian too, so I recognize it! :)

good to see you posting, book
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Unbelievable! Wanted to record her testimony!
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Okay. I was thinking TS2, with the cell phone, must be the therapist. You know, how in the TV, the therapist makes a recording of their sessions. I guessed wrong.
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Ts2 is Moms POAs and one that i suspect has done things she shoyldnt.
Ts1 is the therapist.

And Emjo, one of J's criticisms of me was that I was too stoic and thought due to my Norwegian heritage. Strange you mention that. Will head to see him later this morning. About a five hour drive.
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Sharyn, what you mentioned about getting the dog, therapy and why now you're easily irritated with hubby - was what I thought of this morning while still in bed. I didn't want to post in the Kindle because it would make me wide awake. By the time it was time to get up, too much to do and forgot to write to you. We seem to be on the same wave length.

Jessie, no matter what you say, your mom won't believe you. My dad has always thought and favored the siblings that live off-island. They can do no wrong. They're here for a visit - therefore, I'm to cater to them, even wash my brother's clothes, etc... You have like 3 months to go. Here's a HUG to you {{{HUGS}}}

Glad, 7 hours! I enjoyed your descriptions of what happened in court. Can you refresh my memory. TS2 is which one?

Emjo, you bring the reality of what couples do to keep their relationship going. You helping G with the horses, helping him to see your perspectives, etc... an ongoing adjustments for both...
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(((((hugs)))) to you too, glad. That was a long session. It does sound like the judge arranged the order on purpose. Good. TSs are showing their colours. You must be exhausted. Will you be able to visit J soon? So much going on. Take some time out if you need it - don't be too stoic a Norwegian!!!
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Hearing went 6.5 hours today. I was going to head south after but did not get out of courtroom umtil 7:30. I didnt know judges got overtime. And we are not done. Going back on Nov 7. TS's are not looking good. Judge revised testmony order. TS#2 first, so many lies I found it just disgusting. TS#1 second, alot of emotions BS about how I have kept her from Mom. auntie dearest 3rd , then guardian 4th. If judge has read all of the petitions submitted to the court i think the rearranging was intentional. Wanted to hear from the twisted ones first. Judge was angry with TS#2, she took her iphone to the stand to record her own testimony. I imagine to figure out a way to cover up the lies she told. Judge did not like that one little bit. Then TS#1 actually stood up while guardian was testifying to refute something said. Unbelievable! Just got too late for a 5 hour drive.

Oh and to start off TS's were 30 minutes late. And TS #2 wanted to hear all of guardians but had to leave to catch a plane. Yup, and she with MDPOA neglected to mention she'd would be out of town. Yet did not notify either me or guardian.
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((((((hugs)))))) Jessie Yes, it must be your fault. I know that scene. It couldn't possibly be the family dysfunction from way back when you were a child. It gets so tiresome. There were ugly scenes when my sis visited last winter, and it was all my fault. Ditto for mothers100th. I was cast as the bad guy again. I suppose it helps to know that this is an old game and really very little to do with us, other than we are in a vulnerable position. But it doesn't feel good to have the anger directed at us again, does it?

Is there any way you could take a holiday? I am sure you must need one. More ((((((hugs))))). I understand!
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Oy, I need some hugs. My brother is in town this week. My mother has been in full stress mode and the old family roles are in play. My two brothers are the golden boys and I am the scapegoat. The visiting brother hasn't been around much, but he is golden, so there must be a reason. Maybe he thinks this and maybe he thinks that. And maybe he senses that I don't want him around, so that's why he isn't coming around more. I don't know how I got to be the bad guy in all of this. I want to tell her that no, he is just into himself and what he wants to do, and it's not fun here.

My mother has developed a fantasy that somehow she is going to bring the siblings together. After a lifetime of family neglect with members that are polite strangers with each other, it isn't going to happen. I want to tell her that she missed the opportunity when we were children. There is no putting a family that never existed together. I am the only common thread between my two golden children brothers -- they never talk to each other. And when my mother is gone, I will also be gone from the family. I do not blame either brother, but I don't see any point in carrying on like there are imaginary ties.

The bad thing is that my mother doesn't have the ability to see what damage their autism/personality disorders did, so it must be the children's fault. My two golden brothers are exempt, the black sheep died, so that leaves only the scapegoat to aim her anger. The good thing about being the old scapegoat, though, is we had to look at how things were and we know we aren't to blame.

I'll be glad when life is back to normal. With the holidays and a family wedding coming up, that will be January. I have been playing "Some Beach Somewhere" a lot today. I would love to find that empty chair under an umbrella waiting for me down in Florida about right now.
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I think you are wise about another dog. Scooping poop prevents me from another one. Not nice at 20 below or at any temp.

Good advice to your daughter. Her hub is a big boy and made his decision re the babies.

Interesting what your hubs told her. I did that with G at the beginning. He was delighted, then I realised that he didn't reciprocate automatically, so I had some work to do making him aware of my needs and seeing that some of them got met. It is the fall-out of a childhood where one's needs are totally ignored or even worse, one is punished for expressing needs and feelings. It takes some work - ongoing - but we have made progress and will continue to.
Needs change over time and in different situations, so you have to keep working at it.
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Thank you Joan~ I am going to work on me...no getting another dog as it will just add more stress right now.

My DD went back to work yesterday..her hubs is taking care of the boys but does go back to Tuesday. She says her hubs is miserable, she feels guilty for wanting children. I told her to back off...let hubs figure out his own relationship with the boysThe more you do...the less he will do...it s human nature. Keep communication open and understand that hubs will do things different than you do...just let him do it that way. My hubs told her that I made things too easy for him...so just back out of it and let your hubs develop his own style.
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glad - thinking of you, the hearing and you visiting J. That makes for a very stressful day. I hope you find some resolution somewhere in it. Do let us know what happened when you are ready to.
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cross posted - your colour scheme sounds very smart. Working on oneself is always good. I believe that you can teach old dogs new tricks, but it takes a lot of effort. Self is the place to start.
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Sharyn -- I surely understand that you feel things should be more automatic after 38 years, but am I right in that he never took those responsibilities on, or is this a change in his behaviour? I think I would be pi**ed off at the inequity of effort considering that you both are working. It s a common problem. Add the cell texting and, I would be going off too. I think a therapist is a good ides to deal with any anger and maybe gain some ideas about dealing with the current stuff. ((((hugs)))). Would be nice if life was smoother.
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Glad~I really hope you are able to see J. I think it will be good for you and him. Saying good-bye is not easy especially when you have had the relationship you have described. My heart is with you..Big HUGS!!!

I bought a can of chalk paint in a dark grey color to paint the cabinet in one bathroom. I am thinking of painting the walls a pure white and using black/grey towels for accent.

I left a message with a marriage counselor. My mission is to work on me...hubs won't change and I need to get the anger out this whole issue has brought out.
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