
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
It really stinks that, sometimes, working our butts off and being there for elders means we may face accusations or verbal/emotional abuse at times. Coming here to vent to those who understand is a great gift - one of the few bright spots and supportive places available.
So, yeah... I've been running those concerns over in my head a little. I know that my family is in a place now where they just EXPECT that I will stay on here and keep caring for my father for as long as it takes. I don't think that's "fair" but I also realize I've given them no reason to think otherwise. By my actions, I keep "telling" all of them, my dad included, that I'm going to keep doing this. I'm really hoping my time with therapist each week might help me figure out how to handle the position I'm in, and resolve how to achieve my own life and still get appropriate care for my dad.
(((((Big Hugs))))) to everyone. Have a great day.
Told J about what happened yesterday, dont know how much information he was able to process due to brain swelling. But, he was very supportive of me through all of this sibling crap. J's brother is a judge. So, I told him some of the bizarre occurrences of yesterday. He was aghast, ts's 30 minutes late, recording own testimony, outburst in courtroom by ts1 during guardian's testimony, ts2 wanted continuance because she had to catch a plane to san fran for fun! Sure, sure everybody change their schedule to meet her needs because she wanted to hear entire guardian testimony. The entire thing was unbelievable!
Me - no need to answer every one. I am picking up, thank you.
butterfly - I know the feeling. For me it is usually the calm before the storm. Hope the calm lasts for you.
glad - thinking of you and J, and hoping your visit is going well, or as well as possible.
Margeaux and Jessie - maybe after all I am glad I don't have brothers. Mother would have totally ruined them.
book - hope your health is holding up and dad is not too difficult
I am not doing much - trying to get up some steam for the move when it comes. Mother's shopper (D) will take her out on Wednesday and let me know how it went. I appreciate that. The plan is once a week for now. I think D will see a positive difference.
Heading back to E'ton for the weekend for some "us" time with G and dinner theatre. Have hardly seen him the last month as he has been away on business much more than usual. "Unfortunately", he knows more than some of his colleagues, so they call on him. Hope my gut behaves - have to be careful with what I eat.
Sharyn, Austin, cm, juju, judda, veronica, everyone ((((hugs))))) Look after you.
My dad got a feeding tube today. I also got a call from social worker and we discussed having him go to skilled nursing facility... temporarily... until he is used to the idea that he cannot eat/drink orally until something changes. I'm so relieved. I knew if he came home, he would eat/drink immediately and there would be nothing I could do.
So much going on! With me and many others -- glad, Me1000, sharyn... and I know the rest of you are fighting your battles in your corner of the world. Sending many hugs, and much support.
*******Glad- I really hope things settle for you, you need to rest.
*******jujubean-I would love to go, but cant. I hope you can get some time to relax, ill be with you in spirit :)
******* sharynmarie- Your a stronger person then I for sure. You also need some you time! I know easier said then done, we all are gonna have to figure a way to gain strength and get passed this smoother.
********emjo23-Hope your feeling better today :)
********Countrymouse,bookluvr, Margeaux, Alison, everyone else Hows everything?
My brother has left now, so the stress level of the house is down. I've never figured out why so much effort is put into having one of the golden kids come, because they really don't want or expect it. I agree it has a lot to do with gender -- not trying to offend any men in the group. It is the way it used to be with women, and still is for many.
Your description of your brothers emotionally speaking sounds exactly like mine.
I do care for them as brothers, and all that good stuff. But I must admit as you've stated......at times my relationship with them is of "polite strangers."
I think that the more one has been raised in a family where either parent has employed the "golden child," favoritism method, divide and conquer, etc. is going to be the big marker later on in life as to how siblings deal with one another. I know that pain all too well. The unfavored ones, or the ones that didn't get our needs met, become like the background music. Yet, and I am addressing this in terms of gender inequality, since you're a woman, my sister and myself have always been thee ones in the family of which there have always been way more expectations.
You get a great big bear hug from me,
HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
good to see you posting, book
Ts1 is the therapist.
And Emjo, one of J's criticisms of me was that I was too stoic and thought due to my Norwegian heritage. Strange you mention that. Will head to see him later this morning. About a five hour drive.
Jessie, no matter what you say, your mom won't believe you. My dad has always thought and favored the siblings that live off-island. They can do no wrong. They're here for a visit - therefore, I'm to cater to them, even wash my brother's clothes, etc... You have like 3 months to go. Here's a HUG to you {{{HUGS}}}
Glad, 7 hours! I enjoyed your descriptions of what happened in court. Can you refresh my memory. TS2 is which one?
Emjo, you bring the reality of what couples do to keep their relationship going. You helping G with the horses, helping him to see your perspectives, etc... an ongoing adjustments for both...
Oh and to start off TS's were 30 minutes late. And TS #2 wanted to hear all of guardians but had to leave to catch a plane. Yup, and she with MDPOA neglected to mention she'd would be out of town. Yet did not notify either me or guardian.
Is there any way you could take a holiday? I am sure you must need one. More ((((((hugs))))). I understand!
My mother has developed a fantasy that somehow she is going to bring the siblings together. After a lifetime of family neglect with members that are polite strangers with each other, it isn't going to happen. I want to tell her that she missed the opportunity when we were children. There is no putting a family that never existed together. I am the only common thread between my two golden children brothers -- they never talk to each other. And when my mother is gone, I will also be gone from the family. I do not blame either brother, but I don't see any point in carrying on like there are imaginary ties.
The bad thing is that my mother doesn't have the ability to see what damage their autism/personality disorders did, so it must be the children's fault. My two golden brothers are exempt, the black sheep died, so that leaves only the scapegoat to aim her anger. The good thing about being the old scapegoat, though, is we had to look at how things were and we know we aren't to blame.
I'll be glad when life is back to normal. With the holidays and a family wedding coming up, that will be January. I have been playing "Some Beach Somewhere" a lot today. I would love to find that empty chair under an umbrella waiting for me down in Florida about right now.
Good advice to your daughter. Her hub is a big boy and made his decision re the babies.
Interesting what your hubs told her. I did that with G at the beginning. He was delighted, then I realised that he didn't reciprocate automatically, so I had some work to do making him aware of my needs and seeing that some of them got met. It is the fall-out of a childhood where one's needs are totally ignored or even worse, one is punished for expressing needs and feelings. It takes some work - ongoing - but we have made progress and will continue to.
Needs change over time and in different situations, so you have to keep working at it.
My DD went back to work yesterday..her hubs is taking care of the boys but does go back to Tuesday. She says her hubs is miserable, she feels guilty for wanting children. I told her to back off...let hubs figure out his own relationship with the boysThe more you do...the less he will do...it s human nature. Keep communication open and understand that hubs will do things different than you do...just let him do it that way. My hubs told her that I made things too easy for him...so just back out of it and let your hubs develop his own style.
I bought a can of chalk paint in a dark grey color to paint the cabinet in one bathroom. I am thinking of painting the walls a pure white and using black/grey towels for accent.
I left a message with a marriage counselor. My mission is to work on me...hubs won't change and I need to get the anger out this whole issue has brought out.