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Thank you Joan. I guess I think things should be more automatic with him after 38 years. Obviously I have a lot of buried anger to work out or I wouldn't be so touchy on these issues. I know the trigger has been the cell texting incident. Maybe I should go see a therapist just to work on my anger...then maybe I can be calmer when dealing with him on the home front.
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Glad~I am so sorry...what a mess. Is it not amazing what the self centered will do to get control or to play the pity party of how you do not include me?

((((HUGS))))..
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((((((((((((glad)))))))) the timing of all these things is so difficult. I am glad you are going t see J. He may be waiting for you. In any case you need to see him and I suspect he needs you to be there. I understand that it is scary.

Twsis is playing her game with you. I know that maddening calmness - my sis does it too. She has a counselling diploma. Sounds like your attorney is on the ball, thankfully.

Breathe deep, try to get some good sleep tonight. You are in my prayers too. Hopefully this is coming to an end. (((((((((Hugs)))))))
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(((((hugs)))) again Sharyn. I do understand and have to work on that with G, but he is willing to sit and discuss things. However, I had to establish with him that this was a safe and useful thing to do. Because of his past experiences he used to get up and walk away in the middle of a discussion and after told me there was no point in talking about things as it didn't help. I chose a very small thing, we discussed it and worked it out, and showed him it could be done. I think writing things down is good - for example who does the dishes which night. I did that with household maintenance for a few years so G could see how long it took to get things done. Then I sat down with him and asked when it could be done, wrote that down and followed up. I found it works best when I am persistent and calm. But this is not addressing your feelings that you can't do this much longer. Could you tackle one smallish thing that would make you feel better and one that would make him feel better and work both of them out - maybe not ideally, but something that would make things better for both of you? I was always told by counsellors to lower my expectations when things got rough. Know I understand. vent away f that helps. Sometimes I write things to myself and it helps.
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Thank you for responding back!!! I just don't know anymore. When I get angry, of course it is turned around and put on me...I didn't say I was working 8-5 or you didn't tell me that and I do this or that when none of it it is the truth. I used to write my schedule on the calendar weekly...it was never looked at and the response was..Oh, I didn't know you would be home early. I stopped writing it and started verbalizing it....You didn't tell me your schedule. Claims are made that this or that has been done...when none of it has been done. I will call this person tomorrow you mentioned when I am off...to be honest...I really do not think he is capable of changing because it has been so ingrained not to change by his mother...I really hate to speak bad of someone who has passed...but I can't help but feel that there is a narcissistic issue . I have been hurt more than once by these issues that I am not sure I have it within me to continue with this issue. The denials of having said certain things, ect...and when I do get angry and confront...the not willing to sit down and discuss it...just blow it off again and let me deal with my feelings while everything continues as "normal for him"...there is no reaction...just dead silence. I know he resents me having Midget here...as a result, he will not mow the back lawn so she can go out to potty. I admit, I don't go out to clean up after as well as I should...but I am still doing so much more than he is...I told him tonight...I am done spending 2-3 hours cooking dinner for you on my days off when you can't even do the dishes for me. He denied that....well not true...he doesn't do the dishes...I do it .

I just feel like I am against a rock and a hard place because everything I do produces no results from him. It just seems that it has to be all about him, what he wants, what gives him pleasure, who he wants to socialize with, his family, his traditions...my point is....where do "WE" come into the picture? There is no "WE".
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Lost it with ts1 when i got back today. I am chatting with auntie dearest when twisted comes into the room and just says "you know we can talk?" Nosey once again couldnt let me chat with auntie dearest without interference. Shoukd have been calm and just told her she was interrupting. Instead i asked her why in the world would she call J's brother when this is none of her business. She actually stood there and said it is her business?! Unbelieveable! Sick, sick sick! Auntie dearest said she only told twisted one the general area he works, but if I were to tell all of you the area and you knew his name you would have no trouble finding him. And she uses that calm, collected therapist voice of hers which is so terribly maddening! I told her to just take off her f###ing therapist hat for a minute. And court hearing tomorrow. Wonderful! Keep it together, keep it together! My attorney told me that ts's attorney will try to bring in all this emotional BS and that she will keep objecting to try to get to the bottom of what this hearing is about. Full guardianship and what in the world has happened with Mom's assets.

Tomorrow after hearing I am planning to drive to see J. The medical staff at the hospital is surprised he is still ticking away, breathing strongly, yet brain swelling liver failing kidneys failing and septic. Maybe he is waiting for me? I am scared and would have gone sooner without the hearing coming up. But had too much to do to get ready for that.
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Ya it sucked that part but the rest although stressful dealing with their less than helpful, sales driven. res staff...all n all it was a blast like riding a bike...anyway came to find out i was in the public department not Travel agent servicing...so that was big part of issue...anyway yes it is nice to know although rusty i still got something up there betweeh the ears and i knew what to do bout my fun little mess i made.... well i was thinking sharyn i need to take mom to see dad soon before we go,,,think be passing thru your town, we could meet for lunch if you want...just message me, i am going underground for a bit but will check!
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(((((((((((((Sharyn)))))))) dealing with a passive aggressive is difficult. G has a few of those tendencies, so I have done some reading on it. Their goal is to make you mad, and your anger reinforces their behaviour. I would say my first ex was PA. What the experts recommend is keep calm, not blow at them, which can be very challenging as we need to deal with our anger in other ways. state your needs and, as you say, have a beginning, middle and an ending and a consequence if it is not carried out. Also don't allow the issues to be sidetracked, and do state that you are disappointed that the agreement was broken. I read a lot of Dr.Nora Femenia's stuff - articles, books and a blog. I even spoke to her on the phone and she said G was not PA. Nonetheless I have found many things from her are useful, and are good communication tips.. I searched the web for ways to deal with passive aggressive behaviours and found some very helpful stuff. Is there any way you could go for counselling? I suspect you are not over the previous issues yet. All this is so hurtful. You are in my prayers. (((((((hugs))))))
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Juju~I truly hope with all my heart that you can get this accomplished. I am so sorry that your friend let you down...unfortunately, we learn who is true and who isn't. It does hurt. I will tell you that I personally would not be able to go on a cruise as I get motion sickness something awful. That is why I do all the driving...being a passenger makes me sick to my stomach...my poor son is the same.

I have been reading about passive/aggressive personalities. Simply because I am at my wits end. The old saying, "You can't teach old dogs new tricks," is such an easy out for people who have it ingrained on their brain to never change. "Everyone else is wrong if they don't do things the way I do." Of course that is only a small part of it as passive/aggressive is not only a learned behavior...it is also inherent.

I am far from perfect, I have my issues...but I do not nag, do not pressure...but when you are very clear...giving a beginning and an ending with this in the middle or that in middle and it is still blown off, forgotten, not paid attention to....limited info given back...the out come is still all about self...no room to include another's wants or desires....how do you not explode into a rage which only produces temporary resutls...then it starts all over again.

I am rambling I know...but am trying to wear down my rage in a postive (if possible way)...I already exploded. The lack of communication with limited info and the response back...is like being gaslighted....I just don't know if I can do this any more.
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cm - well said. Me, I agree with cm. Make your plans as you have agreed with gpa - to spend time with him, do certain things for him and stick to it. He is calling and disrupting your day and gets some pleasure or feeling of control by doing that. Does he have some kind of medic alert so that if he is really in trouble he can call for help? If he did you would not have to answer the phone all this time. You need some uninterrupted time to do what you need to do, and not be jerked around by him. He is a terrible attention getter and they need to be ignored sometime or it just fuels their fires.
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Book - hugs back(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) nice to see you posting

Me - vent away of it helps. gpa seem to go off like a yoyo - up and down, back and forth. It would drive me nuts... Overthinking things is not supposed to be good. Not surprised you lose motivation when interrupted. That would drive me nuts too.

juju - a job that is great! Congratulations!

Alison - I have been thinking about your situation and it does look like your dad is worse than anyone thought. Can't swallow and they don't know why not, intestinal problems, so a feeding tube cannot be used, bladder stones along with his other bladder/urination issues. Has he had a neuropsychiatric evaluation? You say he is more alert since being in hospital and interacting with people there. It really makes me wonder if he needs to be in a facility with people around him and able to give him whatever specialized care he requires. His needs seem to be getting greater all the time. One thing about mother is that she feels more secure with nurses on the floor, right outside her bedroom. She has always been very independent, and happy to be alone, but the last couple of years wanted more and more attention because of her decline. I think she felt that some things were beyond her and needed and needs more security. It is understandable. Since your dad wants all measures to keep him alive to be used, he will need some professional care I would think. Do you feel you can provide that in his home with visiting nurses? I know your mum has been involved and am wondering if your bro has given any input. I am aware that you cannot act alone in this. Big (((((((hugs)))))) this is so hard, I am sure.
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Me, between all of them you don't know whether you're coming or going, do you?

STOP TAKING ORDERS FROM OTHER PEOPLE!!!

God knows you have enough to do on the average day. And, like you, I am the kind of person who can't cope with being interrupted - I never get the job done, and I hate it.

This is where the To Do list comes in so handy. Plot your day, hour by hour. Stick to your schedule like glue. Thus, rather than Dad rings you, you ring Dad and you tell *him* what time you plan on being at his house, and therefore what time he might like to ask his neighbour to call round.

It's a control issue. At the moment everyone is pulling you in all directions, and it's working for nobody - not just you, but them too. It's a crazy waste of your time that, to boot, ends up with you feeling dreadful. So YOU need to take control of it, and believe me nobody can stop you. What are they going to do, come and sling you over their shoulder in a fireman's lift and cart you off somewhere?

So map out your day. You're not saying no to anyone, you're saying when. And God knows it's about time.

Bless you, it's so hard to think straight when you're being buffeted about as you are.
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Venting Once again- Im sorry you dont even have to read it I just have to vent somewhere or Im going to scream running around in circles! And I dont run!!

Lectured about everything again, yes I know I have a few things to put back up at grandpas house that I did put off,Im wrong. But my sister is once again supposedly coming home( been she is- then isnt etc we just never know) Well she will be in my room which is currently filled as a storage room of boxes and bags of papers, toys and clothes. This is because I havent had a chance to go through it, someone or me is always sick or needing me. It takes time of uninterrupted cleaning which will be a full 2days at least I kid you not ( incl dusting, moving my clothes and computer out , trying to push pin curtains to divide room ( my room leads to the backyard and laundry room so need to separate room with something so she has her privacy of sorts) 5 minutes or 30 minutes for some sounds logical.. but I am the type I go full force or forget it. Sad on my part yes. But Im running out of time, I cant take chances that her maybes or yes of coming home wont happen like I have.


His help left early and hes been calling me, about the faucets to check, a friend needed some work, etc I told him Ok I will call when plumbers are open tomorrow and friend is up to you its fine with me to have some help!! But Im not helping her clean his house!!! Its her deal for money not mine.

So I meant to put the stuff up last night but was tired and didnt want to drop it at his house( dishes) so I promised him I will do it tonight and guess who called as I was typing this? Grandpa! Goes like this:

Me:Hello?

Oh You sound busy, right?

Me:Yes Grandpa Im cleaning but if you need coffee or drink or help, Middle of making lunch.. Ill be down for...( he interrupted)

Your not going to stay long then? Just about 30 minutes at least?

Me:No Im sorry about a minute or two- I know you want company but I really have to get this done for sis in case I told you how my room..( he interrupts)

Well neighbor is here wanting help to do it, I guess not huh?

Me:No I will do it tonight I did half of it before ..I can....( he interrupts)

Yelled- No I got it .. just I got never-mind.. hung up on me


Well Back to my cleaning.. If I can get my mode to turn back on!!! I know it sounds crazy but I honestly I lose that feeling or motivation or whatever if I have to stop a million times. As if Red Light Green Light Games.. anyone remember that?


Oh add my son is going a mile a minute with some attitude but luckily not severe- son just left with my dad to drop of lunch- Son will run in and give it to him cuz dad and grandpa still not speaking. Grandpas choice. Ok well least Im never bored?

****Hope all of your Sunday is going well or at least calm. Have a nice meal or drink and relax. Ill read soon again
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Glad ((((hugs))))) that is disgusting of TwSis and your aunt. I am so sorry abut J but it is good you know what is happening. Down time with your family would be good for you. First the house and now J - two big losses.
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Not J's office, his brother's office.
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Unbelievable! TS#1 called J's office this past week. Auntie Dearest had emailed me to ask about information where the brother worked. Evidently to find out for TS#1. I imagine TS does not believe what is happening with J. Or she wanted to offer what she could do to help? Not at all likely! This is the therapist that doesn't understand boundaries, her profession carries a risk of becoming compassionate, in her own words! E-mailed auntie dearest, TS#1 and asked why in the world do they think this sort of intrustion is appropriate or even wanted sympathies! I just do not believe this!

Had a nice chat with J's brother this morning. They thought J would pass last Thursday, but he is still hanging in there. Family, I think it is natural, wondering if they made the right decision. J is septic, kidneys and liver failing. He did seem to recognize his brother, brother thought, but not able to determine if he is understanding anything that is going on.
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I must agree that when a family has member who is in final stages, it is best to wait for them to contact you. I know this is very hard as I have a friend who was involved with a man (he had copd and then developed cancer). They were dating and very much in love the last 1.5 years of his life. His children placed him in ltc about 1 month before he passed. No one expected him to pass away so quickly. He became very restless, difficult...his children came in...no one called his lover...he died that night. I know it hurt her very much that the family did not include her, but my thoughts were that his adult children were grieving that it did not enter their mind to give her the opportunity to say good-by. They all had a great relationship so it was not that they did not approve of her.
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Margeaux. Thank you and everybody else too! Kids in costuje going to zoo withnhalloween decorations. I NEED this! SCREW th twisted ones!
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Juju,

Congratulations concerning your job.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Glad,

It must be very difficult for you since you said you are tempted to call J's dad.
I completely agree with Book about what she said regarding visitors when a person is possibly at the end of life. It is probably just too much to handle, added to the fact that he is in such a delicate condition. Just dealing with all particulars, as we well know here..... probably makes it all the more difficult to be dealing with extra people at that time. You have been very blessed to have had a good friend like J.

Your sisters are too much! They're only interested in gossip aren't they?
Your guardian sounds really considerate, and as if she is willing to go the extra mile for you. Have fun at this, what was it called "boo zoo?" Must be something for Halloween?

Your in my thoughts.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Book, thank you for your perspective on this. I have been hoping that someone would chime in that has gone through something similar. I just hope and pray that it ends for J soon. I don't even know for sure if they have removed the vent. I have a hunch that they have and that J's brother is keeping him company waiting for it to end.
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Congrats Juju! FYI, I read the travel journal/news. Just a little advice, it seems DOT (dept of transportation) & TSA requires new stuff. You need to state in the itinerary any codeshare flights (United flight number but Alaska Airlines aircraft). Need to itemize the cost breakdowns. Names on reservations must match their passport or certified birth certificate or gov't issued ID, etc.... I've recently read that they now require you put down the luggage information - dimensions, free and fee costs,etc.... I think for now, the hotels are Not Obligated to itemize their hidden fees until check-out time... called 'resort fee'. I booked my Hawaii hotel online. They have this stupid line that there might be more fees not stated on there. Well.. yep, I found at check-out that there is a Resort Fee! I really hate that. And I'm a travel agent! I'm hoping that the Federal govt will make it mandatory that these hotels put the exact cost of these daily fees in their websites and any of their hotel descriptions.

FYI, I'm glad that you pointed me to the right place last year when I was trying to find a hotel right in the middle of Waikiki. You had told me that where I was going to book my hotel was on the opposite end of where I wanted to be. Thanks for that tip. I did find a great hotel right there. Very close to the beach, the zoo, the International Market, and restaurants. FYI, the International Market is No More. It's going to be replaced by a high-end store.
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Me1000 - I totally agree about the high tolerance for pain. Fave sis and I recently talked about that. It's really bad when it comes to medical issues. We have both admitted that because we were so used to bearing pain as a child, that what we think is normal tolerable pain - would be an excruciating pain to normal people. By the time our pain reaches what WE think as an '8' in the chart - would be a 10 for normal people. And we don't cry. So, the chart shows an 8 with a person crying. Crying for us - would be a 10. Or like my very first mammo - on the very first xray - I fainted from the pain. I'd say that pain was a 50. It wouldn't have been so bad if the technician had gotten me off from dangling from the machine Before I gained conscious. Nope. I woke up still dangling. I wanted to cry like a baby but held it in. One must never cry - and don't let others see you crying. Sis and I agree that by the time we reach our 8 - our medical issues are really bad - and get lectured by the doctor for coming in so late.

Glad - When my mom was dying - within 2 weeks (told to me by several posters here that mom was very close to the end), I contacted all my off-island siblings. When we all were here, we discussed about telling my mom's siblings that she's dying. We unanimously agreed NO. Mom's siblings all live here on island. Mom's been bedridden for over 13 years and I can count with my one hand how many each of her siblings visited mom in all that time. We figured that if they didn't come to visit mom regularly while she's alive, why should they be told that she's dying? Actions Speak Louder Than Words. I do feel bad that mom's sisters/brothers did not get to say their goodbyes or to apologize to her for not visiting her. But...

So, I can understand where J's family's coming from. With my mom, we just wanted us siblings, mom's children, to be here for mom as she was slowly dying. This was our time with our mother. It would give each of us time alone with mom and say what we need to say privately. But most of all, we didn't want to entertain visitors who would come to say goodbye to mom and somehow it becomes an impromptu get-together party (mom's siblings are very good at that- especially that one time when she was in the hospital which we weren't sure she would pull through. We resented the uncles/aunties laughing and joking in the hospital waiting room. My siblings and I just sat there watching them behaving like it was a family get-together. Mom pulled through at that time.) This was our time, with our mother. I'm glad that we did not call her siblings.
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Well I have a JOB gang. last week I had no hope for life after mom and today I am a Travel Agent once again, I can do right from my lil prison here!!!!!
Life is really getting better!
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Alison and Glad~ {{{{H:UGS}}}}, I wish had some inspiring words to say but I don't.

Me1000~You are right about how we have a high tolerance for abuse. I could stand up to my parents..but when I had an abusive boss or supervisor...I crumbled. It brought up too many old feelings like a PTSD type of thing and I felt like the child with no rights or dignity. I am better now, but still struggle with overly aggressive people, very rude people that I encounter at work. Counseling did help me...but I did not get coping skills from counseling simple because I did not know I should ask for that, so I have had to learn much through experience. It is a life long learning not just for us who have these back grounds but life is (at least I think so) more painful for us than someone who does not have all the dysfunctional baggage to carry around. Blessings to you as I know you are listening and doing the very best you can, {{{{HUGS}}}}!!!
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A friend of J's from high school lives a few blocks away from my Mom's house. Imagine two thousand milesnfrom home to have him plant himself so close to where I grew up! He is a nice man but has had a history of infidelity which J just detested. They havent talked much in recent years because of that. And this is the person that was so terribly rude and mean when i first called him to tell him about J. He has really turned around, it is such a terribly sad situation. There are parts of me that want to call J's Dad daily, but I don't. Not sure I want to know much detail. But J's friend talked with the brother a couple of days ago, and the family just wants to be left alone. I would too. So, I continue to wait for a call.

And now for TS's and auntie dearest. Auntie is in town for Mom's 88th so I thought that between the three of them one would spend the night so I can go to see my kids. Welp, nosireesir. Auntie is afraid Mom would be even more disoriented than she is normally. But, Geez, she hasnt seen Mom in a year. Have the courage to call it what it is, chicken! TS#1, still in no response mode. Probably sulking since I would not satisfy her "curiousity" about J after the fire. TS#2 thinks since I had last weekend away, why should I need another already? Then she got mad because I didn't tell her about J. She doesnt understand that I just found out how critical this was last Saturday afternoon. So, no offer of help from her either.

I am so relieved to have the guardian, a social worker, helping me. She notified the conservator that I have a family emergency and need tomorrow night away since TS's and auntie dearest would not help. So, I will be spending the night at my daughter's house tomorrow night, and go with them and two grandchildren to "boo at the zoo". This is the daughter I have had the most difficulty with. Maybe now, we can begin to mend fences, I need tomstay away from talking about the twisted ones. I think I can, I think I can. They are in my nonstop brain all of the time now it seems.
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My brain is mush today, I contracted bookluvr's mushy brain, haha. ;-) This will be a short post... but thinking of all of you, and reading, and sending hugs.

I did want to put a few things out here, because I appreciate the insight and input so very much and want to give a few more details.

Apparently it's air in my dad's stomach/abdomen/intestines that is the reason why the GI doc is holding off on feeding tube through the abdomen right now. They've taken multiple X-rays and GI doc says dad's intestines have these non-mechanical blockages, and the word "loops" was mentioned. The doc described it to me as a condition where the intestines have pockets and don't move food/waste through efficiently. I don't know if these are all separate problems or part of the whole picture. GI doc said my dad's intestines are getting larger, even without food in them.

Dad has bladder stones, not kidney stones as I previously thought. I advised the specialist that he is in weakened condition, the doc said they would schedule the procedure but may call it off if they don't feel he's up for it.

50sChild, so glad you posted about your mom's issues with swallowing. I need to find out more - if there are therapies to help him regain his ability to swallow? He is so lucid lately, even more so, it seems to me, then when he was at home. I think the stimulation of having docs and nurses interacting with him, plus proper hydration for once, getting his ongoing bladder infections cleared up... he is as sharp as I've ever seen him and I'd like to see him at least be able to eat/drink orally again.

More another time. Hugs to all, appreciate you so much.
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sharynmarie- I hope your sand problem goes away. Plus you werent cold hearted! I love you all, you all say it how it is, what you all went through, many of you going through similar things and I dont want to lose any of you all here! I do get what you all are saying- its just getting there. I hope you and Logan feel better!

gladimhere-Im so sorry, you both were lucky to have eachother. You do need to rest. I understand, sis and I had to take mom off the breathing and feeding tube back in the day. She died very quickly. Its never easy but you have us too as you said. J will be watching over you. Your going through so much still, I wish I could be there for you. Im there in spirit.

Veronica91- Your right about how quick. Also reading what you wrote to Glad, made me think of my mom. You words are helpful to both of us.

Margeaux- At least your hubby had some fun :) Hopefully things get better for your mom.

emjo23- I think a lot to, but thats a good thing right? Just put what needs to be done down. Then you could put what is the hardest for you to do in one colum, the average or easiest in the next. See what skills your family and friends have, as well as any services that can help you out. I write lists nonstop- of course, I dont do everything on them! Your also correct like Sharyn said "When you have been brought up treated badly you gain a very high tolerance for being mistreated. That is unfortunate as then you put up with it from other people and you have to learn to not accept that kind of treatment" Im rereading my millions of posts from day one and everything all of you had said to me. I know some of you may have given up on me, but I understand why. I do need to do something. I know what I want but its just getting there.

AlisonBoBalison- I hope your dad is able to get his nutrition and strength soon. Glad your mom backed off a little. I hope you hear some good news soon :)

bookluvr- I understand and you can "spam" your hugs anytime you want! Hugs back and you get some rest too :)

50sChild- Very good advice for ABB :) I hope Pam is doing good :)
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Allison, I just read your profile and your father is relatively young-old. His swallowing problem is a huge concern. Not because I know anything at all, but because my mother's (89 years old) demise began with a UTI, followed by a handful of swallow tests that turned out badly. I was and still am ignorant about that -- Pam need your objectiveness here. Mother, when somehow sane from UTI (don't understand that) made of point of questioning each and every one of us (pointing with a painfully-hard-to-raise hand) as though it was our final test -- "tube or no." Each of us said "tube," as it was explained that would prolong her life and there was a 3% chance she'd get over "failure to thrive." Pam: What is "failure to thrive" beyond anything you can read on the Internet. Mom then said "You are all fired" (Trump style) with her cornered-animal eyes, firm as can be. She said, "No."

Allison, your Father has said he wants all means. That leaves you with a clean conscience. Do all you can. Go for Tube. You may see your Dad live a long time without being able to recognize who he is. For whatever reason, that is is wish and command. Who knows, maybe he wants everything done to be there for someone he has promised to rally for. Maybe it is you. If finances are a problem, you've got to talk to the Hospital Social Worker. Short of that, you are ever bit as much as a Mountain Climber, Everest challenge.

Your mother, she has old issues that aren't your concern as regards your father. This should be clean of your mother. Maybe your mother is side-handedly asking for your help in her processing some old confusions about your father. That is ok. But read hard about "Projection" and in this tense time, remember your instincts are best. You can take into consideration your mother's old hurts and meddlings, but ultimately, it is your father you are coming to terms with right now.

He is awfully young for swallowing failure, but I only say that because my own Mom was 89. Here is another Pam plea. I don't know what condition your Dad is in. Perhaps a smoker, obese, perhaps a genetic history someone will predict death date 20 years from now. I DON'T LIKE THAT YOUR HEART IS GIVING YOU SIGNS. Glad you are seeking therapy. Hoping your therapist is able to pierce through the obvious to the underneath. Not many of therapists can do that. But any therapist (or enlightened friend) is what you need right now.

You are witnessing decline, you are a trenchmate. Your father may rally and be fine. We can only trust the huge investment and caring of the staff who cares for your Dad. As for you, that you have no control, really, anyone can see how much you care. Will be thinking of you.
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Alison unless dad is having pain from the kidney stone leave well enough alone. He does not need the extra stress or anesthesia.
Have they given you any details about what they think is wrong with his intestines?
I suspect it is time for hospice but I would not even raise the question. Dad has already said he wants everything done to save his life so until he can come to terms with the idea of dying let the Drs do as they think right but not anything that will cause him further distress. make the drs tell you the truth about what they think is going on. Some one has to know so they are prepared to make decisions when Dad can't. mon has no say in this.
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