notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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The hardest part right now is that my Mom is in rehab and her mental state is pretty bad. It's a long story how she ended up there. The condensed version is, on Mothers Day during a "window visit", my sister did not like how my Mom looked. The staff took Moms temp and she had a low fever. Sis freaked out and called Moms doctor saying she thought Mom might have covid. She told the doctor Mom was having rigors (uncontrollable shaking). The nurse on duty and the staff said Mom was shivering a bit and said she was cold but it was NOT uncontrollable shaking. Anyway whatever Sis said to the doctor it was decided that Mom go to the hospital. Mom did not have covid, she did have a UTI (she gets them often). They kept her under quarantine, ran a ton of tests (all negative except UTI), put her on antibiotics and then she was sent to rehab. Sis also claimed Mom had a blood infection but not sepsis. When I asked about that, the nurse on duty said it was not on her chart.
I was upset that my sister did not talk to me or bro before rushing into having Mom sent to the hospital. When I told her that she went nuts. I got two long nasty emails where she said she would never include me in on any medical decisions, she claimed I was dangerous. Needless to say I stopped reading at that point and deleted her letters. I think I am finally ready to be done with her. Just as an aside Sis had been fighting with Moms AL because they would not allow her to bring in outside PT people during the lockdown, SIS actually called the state on them which of course the state dismissed as the facility was following lockdown guidelines. BTW their vigilance has resulted in zero cases of covid.
Anyway back to Mom. She is in full blown psychosis now (that happens whenever she goes to the hospital/rehab). She had to be quarantined in both places which just added to her paranoia. I can't go see her of course, she will not answer her phone so I have to ask a staff member to help. When I do get hold of her she is either completely despondent or agitated. I am so worried about her. On a more positive note, the staff are lovely and very patient so at least there is that. I can't fix this so I need to let go and just have faith that she is in good hands.
It does not help that I question the wisdom of sending Mom to the hospital. She was safe and stable in her AL. Urine samples can easily be sent from the AL, even now during the lockdown (I know as I transported one to the hospital in April). I have to let go of that too, whats done is done.
Sorry for the long silence then the "all about me post". I WILL catch up on you all, I promise. Take care and thank you for being here.
I'm just fed up with even trying anymore. Just ignoring him is going to have to do for now.
I have to catch up!
Be safe. Rays of love.
I am a sort of loner but and have serious trust issues.
My ex not C but M called me on messenger and explained he was trying to find me in 2017 when he got a workmen's comp decision. and took lump sum. He says he did a lot of things he wanted to to like learning how to ride and care for horses.
Anyways his birthday was the 23rd and he wanted to come visit. I explained that I had a lot on my plate and now was not a good time. I knew it would get physical and I honestly know I can not handle adding another person in my life to worry about and consider new demands.
I think I really messed up, now he does not answer msg or call and I think I really hurt his feelings. He probably was exactly what I needed because he is caring and understantding and very supportive. The other side is that my crazy and his crazy does not blend and I remember that and I know how burnt and frustrated I am. In our relationship I once hit him hard in the head with a big book I was reading before I could think about it. Smh lol. I shocked my self but he took me there. So much beautiful stuff but I remember he could take me there.
My mother's birthday was thursday, my sister's was friday and M's was the 23rd. All Gemini's whew!. No offense but I think if there is a Gemini on board out there I am quite sure they know exactly what I mean.....!
So the the temporary Guardianship person came on her birthday to meet her and see what was needed to be addressed. Its a city agency so they dont get paid for being Guardians. Also Mr G called and mentioned that the court evaluator suggested he call me to see if I would like him to come and skype from his laptop for the court date next week and I was very grateful.
My sister is petioning for guardianship also. Mr G. said sometimes the court does a dual guardianship with a family member and outside agency.
I got some work done in kitchen and bathroom, I felt accomplished but it triggered or I'll say irritated the groin nerve pain.
Also she had cake and blew out her candles. and had fun being creative with some roses and chrysanthemum petals. I think its real cool. she has always been artistic. She took apart a scruggie I had in bathroom and made a pretty bow to put around a stuffed animal. When I came down the next day she had stems of flowers in a few place.
No word from Jeans family about arrangements, I was hoping to get her a flower to place on grave site one last gift to her. I was also hoping to ask for a picture. I m sure there is one somewhere in our collection. We took pics two years ago for my mother's birthday with her and cousin Mari but I lost that phone.
I am tired and a little depressed and now wish I had let my friend come to visit.
Anyways, Good Night all, Happy Memorial Day, be safe ((((HUGS))))
They sound like catastrophizers. Can you introduce DH to that term? For someone who grew up with that habit of mind, unless he sees that it's a habit, he can't start to change it.
DH's dad suffered a stroke and everyone in his family are oh so upset FOR THEMSELVES! Mind you, dear old dad cries everyday as well. It just grates on me.
I know I'm a kind person but when I'm around them my kindness just sort of evaporates. Pouff!
It makes the whiner clarify both for himself and you what the purpose is of his whining.
If he just wants to complain about how awful things are (does he awfulize things?) then you just put on your understanding look and murmur "hmmmm" as sympathetically as possible.
If he wants help, break the problem down into solveable steps.
Awfulizers benefit tremendously from Cognitive BehaviorTherapy or even just a workbook on that particular habit of mind.
I'm just tired of always being the sensible one giving sage advice and being the voice of reason in my relationship. It would be nice if he could return the favor occasionally or just shut up.😶
I'm too scared now to pray for patience. I've had enough life lessons in that area for the time being. I'll still pray, just not for that. :)
I remember reading that Queen Victoria enjoyed recounting her dreams to her husband Albert every morning. He said he understood she found that enjoyable, but it bored him. She said she had the right to talk. He said he had the right not to listen. He suggested she write it down in a diary instead. She did & they stayed married :)
I'm here because my DH could take no more talk of my needy relatives 😂.
Maybe you could just repeat the sentiment then move on. When I get 'I'm sad today..' I nod, say yes you are sad. It's ok to be sad. Short pause, then shift convo forward. If this is no longer working, bigger visual distractions like magazine, bunch of flowers?
Otherwise shorter visits/calls for your own self preservation. Maybe that's why people pray? To tell someone who cares... Hmm.
PS not saying YOU need to go off & pray! This is where WE come 😊
I remember my mom saying she went through this with my younger brother and when she had finally had enough of cajoling she would just remain mum and then was accused of not caring anymore.
I imagine God on his throne who has infinite patience and always has an ear for his children. I certainly am not ever going to live up to God's example. I remember an old song that had a line that went "If you just want to cry to somebody, don't cry to me" That's how I've been feeling lately.
No one on here of course. I love hearing all your stories. This is a personal relationship I'm talking about. Any suggestions on how you've dealt with something like this?
Oops, was I just political.............? Ah well, I'll slap my own wrist so no one give me grief. :)
i hope everyone is well during this time of mask wearing and social distancing. Idaho is in phase 2....but I know there are businesses that are open who should not be. I do wear a mask at work when out on the sales floor and when I’m helping a customer. However, in the deli itself, I’m not wearing it. It’s hot, hard to breathe and fogs up my glasses, hee hee!
At home I’m working on a secretary desk that I’ve had since the ‘80’s. It was made with very cheap wood, probably factory made. It has sentimental value to me. I am repainting it, I have a wood moulding to put on it and I’m going to add a furniture transfer That is a vine with white flowers and birds. The desk is a soft yellow. It will be used to store all my craft stuff. I also enrolled in an online (virtual) art class. It is very inexpensive, covers painting on canvas, fabric and furniture plus more. You work at your own pace, choose what you want to do as far as the lesson presented each month. This month is perspective, painting trees looking up through the trees at the sky.
we are warming up this week looking at 90’s by Friday. Last week was rain with a high in the 50’s.
enjoy the week as you can, little accomplishments move us forward.
Would that make sense in the context of what dad says?
Text dad that if wants this to get "fixed" he is going to have to say that he wants you to call 911 and get him to the hospital so that his pain can be treated.
As long as HE doesn't speak up, this will continue.
I'm so sorry that this is so hard.
As long as your parents are competent, they can make very bad decisions.
Have you looked into getting counseling from the hospice social worker, as was previously suggested?
You should also send a "return receipt requested" letter to his doctor describing the drug misuse, possible addiction issues and lack of pain meds. Send the same letter to the hospice oorganization. Since when you spoke to the docs office last time you indicated that you were "joking around" it's possible they didnt report these serious issues to APS but simply reported "possible abuse".
Thank for the last comments, this is what happened.
Today she is back to blaming me for everything. If I had only gone along with her plan (there was no real plan) for us to live together everything would be just great! I would be in a padded cell by now. We get along lik oil and water, but that is all due to me for being so "funny "(basically having my own opinions not doing all she wants etc etc).
The ants are back. She has small and some bigger ones. She had ants a year ago and I killed/swept up maybe 6 to 10 max. She made it seem like a infestation and it was not. Brother had exterminator ready to come out and she said no. I just know she wants me on 'ant patrol'. Plus if they are gone, no drama, nothing to complain about- although she would find something. She asked if I ever had ants in my house besides small ones. I said yes and got my head bitten off. You always say you have the same stuff or worse! She doesn't like when anyone has more of anything; stupidily I just told her the truth rather than editing my comment. She went on and on, so then I couldn't take it and said you're right no one has ever had ants like you. Yeah that was no a good move but that is how she was acting. She then said all she is meant to do in life is work. Ok every time I either take her somewhere or suggest it, she is the wettest blanket ever. Always saying how we need to get home there is work to do. A killjoy always, so I stopped trying with that. I made multiple trips there years ago to take her to local fairs. Most times did not get ou of the car. "I didn't think it'd be like this". Turned out she wanted to go solely because a friend had gone, but they like to walk around and browse, which Mom hates. So the just work comment was for sympathy, but I have zero clue what she actually does for fun. She does or never has been a "fun" person.
I was actually musing about moving back there today. Nope. Hard pass on that. She would expect me at her place all the time. She doesn't look at me or my brother as being adults with our own lives. She is to be our main and sole focus.
Thanks for letting me ramble. Someone else commented how their friends are tired of hearing about their mom issues and it is the same with me. It's easy saying you'd do this or that looking from the outside. There is usually years of baggage tying us down.
Does your son have mental health challenges? I know that you were attempting to be transparent with your finances, but it seems to have backfired.
Perhaps account numbers can be changed, rather than closing the accounts. All of my "big three" credit bureau profiles are frozen to cut down on fraudulent account openings; if you haven't done this, it would be a good idea.
Be well.
I see from past posts that parents defend siblings and then call you with complaints.
You are being triangulated by your parents. They are playing you all off against one another.
Stop responding and let your parents deal with the results of their behavior."
Aswry, read the above again.
If he asked you to call insurance, your response would be "talk to live in. I'm not in charge."