The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well as usual... Im complaining...


So grandpa wants to have the girl no longer come on Sundays as I mentioned and "save " that money. She deserves a break he says. So six days a week in the mornings instead of 5 Im on. Yes Im there all night anyway every night but still.. also Im expected to be around for sure until the so called time she was hired for at 9:30a.( 3 hrs) which she never does anyway but I would have to. I think I mentioned this. Of course all day on and off( his preference all day)

Add: grandpa says It doesnt take long to clean my home ( hahahahhahah) or his and my yard and soon to be his yard,take care of him, my disabled dad, and two kids with issues who actually equal like 3/4 kids on a good day. Oh Still wants me to work...and go to kids functions....and his drs too. Look at so and so etc etc..

Then: He says I do too much.. so I finally realized that I could use some help in my yard and I broke down and told the guy to come give me an estimate grandpa said good.

Just now :grandpa threw a fit and lashed out when he dies Im a fool to think I can afford $30/$40 every 4-5-6 weeks to get it done! Umm, the guy I think came out once before all year and didnt even cut my lawn, I been using a weed eater on it even when it down poured and after a week it was up to my knees! I been pulling those tiny little weeds out of the tiny rock landscaping .. weeds in cements, stop sign etc Im tired and have a lot of other stuff to do! But I had to cancel the guy.

Did I mentioned he said were spending to much money on clothes? I have holes, well, he bought me some clothes he was happy I did and within days complained how much money ( always been this way) we spent. But then walmart is a cheap place to shop and not where he wanted me to shop- he believes in Macys and such places . Can u imagine those prices? Wants me to go to all his appts when I told him he needs to hire someone because I HAVE to get a job and he blew! He wants me to work but when Im gone he says how lonely he is, how I should be there, How I should this, How I should that...

I love him and want to help him but I just cant do this 24hrs a day!!! He has three kids total, several adult grandkids,( ok, they are out of state but still) other retired family and friends, and available options for hired help. But its all on me and he says Im doing a good job and he feels bad for me then he says I dont do enough or most things correctly for all he does for me! I get that . But I could pay my way if I was allowed to get a job!!!

So Daughter is still having bad issues at school, son is still on this obsession about wishing we were dead or killing us. Same ol with everything I guess. Oh my dogs are finally getting dog beds soon, had to order them because they both eat everything in sight and ruined their beds! Kundra Dog Bed aluminum and a strong material for the laying on part. Getting two because they dont always lay together but big enough they could!

Emjo, I'm like you. I'm so tired.

To all of you here - {{{HUGS}}} I know it's such a general salutation but my brain feels mushy, tired. I cannot read here on AC. I find myself getting depress when I do. So, I've limited my reading to here and the YOU thread. I think I read ABB's latest post about 3 times. Then when I started to type here, my mind when blank, scrolled up to re-read it, .. blank. I know we all need HUGS, so I'm just giving a big {{{HUG}}} to everyone here. Ha! I'm Spamming my HUGS to you all.

Yea, i think TS's had to know. You know after the fire ,TS#1 called a week after I had emailed them. This is the narcissist counselor, not to offer help but "curious" about how J was. Nothing else. Then got a wacked out email from her yesterday all about what she has done. Narcissist to an extreme. I mean really?! Including scoping out a handicapped parking space? Aand nothing from her now that things are frightening, scary and coming to an end for J. And the strangest part is she is probably crying and depressed about it. This has been a pattern for a very long time crying to get attention and her way. And blaming her unhappiness on what others have done to hurt her. The woman drives be batty!

No news on J today. I is hard and sad to wait for an update call from his family. I do not call them, wait for them to call me. This is hard on everybody, but especially his Dad. They were quite close. I need to be patient and let his family handle it their way. Too much stress for them. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. There are some of you here that have and I just cannot imagine.

I'm tired tonight but just want to give you a hug ((((((((((((((Alison)))))))))))))))))). You have a lot to deal with re your dad and yourself. Will comment more tomorrow - but as always - look after you.

Hello all, Happy Thursday, hope everyone is reasonably well.

Nothing decided for my dad yet. I was able to speak with his GI specialist yesterday and became aware that the docs see problems with his intestines that prevent a feeding tube through the abdomen at this time. Also, his swallowing tests continue to indicate threat of aspirating anything given orally. Also, he cannot tolerate a tube through his nose. The only thing they can do right now is IV nutrition, which they are starting tonight.

His overall health, before this incident, was pretty good, though he was declining. I wonder how he will come through this... I've asked him about living wills/advanced directives in the past, he's always been clear he wants every means of medical science applied to keep him alive. I don't think he is at the point of hospice care yet. What he is going through right now may change that. I just don't know yet.

I got a call today from a doctor's office about scheduling a kidney stone removal surgery. The nurse/receptionist that was calling didn't realize my father was still hospitalized. I informed her of that and she said she would likely schedule the surgery for after the weekend to be done in the hospital. My issue is: my dad is without nutrition for over a week. If this surgery - however minor - isn't absolutely necessary right now, then I'd like him to regain some strength before he's put through any non-critical procedure. I'm not sure about this at all. I'll try to find out more tomorrow.

I think I've succeeded in getting my mother to back off, at least with me. I suspect she is still harassing the nurses and doctors, but I also realize they will do what is necessary and in my father's best interests regardless of anything she says. I don't think they were aware that my mother and him have been divorced for 35+ years. I'm not sure they're aware yet. I get different information and feedback from seemingly every person I talk to at the hospital.

My chest pains - that I haven't had in over a year - are creeping back in. It's stress and anxiety, of course, and I've started doing some breathing exercises again. I've made a doctor's appt and also started weekly therapy/counseling. The therapy was scheduled to start before my dad was hospitalized, and I went to my first appt for that a few days ago. I don't know that right now is a good time for therapy, but I'm not sure that it's not the perfect time, either... if that makes sense.

Everyone's input is welcome and valued. The hugs are priceless. :-) Hugs to all of you.

Only when I get a sinus infection. I haven't had to have antibiotics for several years now. Too many of them caused the candida as well as stress. I use Nasal Ease for allergies as well as antihistamines. It is homeopathic and really works. Without it, I wake up with raw sinuses.

Thanks Joan ...do you use this rinse all the time or only when you get a sinus infection?

Margeaux - that sounds not suitable or safe for your mum and that your sis is taking too much advantage of her situation.

Sharyn - hope you and baby Logan are better soon. I make a peroxide rinse which takes care of sinus infections. Dilute the 3 % you buy at the store 1:20, or even less if that stings too much, with boiled cooled water. ( 1/4 tsp in a 30 ml bottle is about 1.30). I put it in a saline nasal spray bottle and spray/ rinse my nose twice a day with my head bent over the sink so it runs into the nose. I have worked up to 3 ml in 30 which stings but does the job.

Joan- I try to be more blunt with people hoping it will help them...then I feel guilty .

AHHHH YES! Didn't I write a post not too long ago about how my sister feels very entitled when it comes to mother's home, so do her daughters!

Margeaux

Good golly Ms. Molly!

I finally went to visit my mother today, after staying away for about a month.
Yes, I know this is rather long, etc. But my sister has her eldest daughter, 3 small babies, and her husband there. They've been there now for about 2 mos., pending some fixtures to their rented home. Aside from all of them......it's my sis's youngest daughter and mom, full house. There's too much confusion in that house right now.

While I was there, I couldn't believe all the toys, clothes, baby items just littered everywhere all in the common areas like the living room, downstairs. The daughter and her family are occupying a bedroom upstairs, as well as the other daughter.
My sister sleeps downstairs in mom's room. But oh boy, did that visit make my head spin, and I just wanted to get the hell out of there! I mean......I know my sister is helping the daughter, but I was witnessing how this is interfering w/care for my mom. Mom was asleep almost the entire time-3hrs., I was there. When she woke up, I went into her room, and mom showed that she wanted to get out of her bedroom to go to the living room. So I went into the living room, and my sister was trying to rock the newest baby to sleep, and signaled to me, not to allow mom to come out of her room. I didn't like that. So I stayed w/mother in her bedroom and we watched a tv show. She was fine. But all of this set up my sister has going on,
kind of gets on my nerves. I can't believe between all of those adults who live there, they can't get a handle on keeping toys, clothes more tidied up, and put away, so as not to trip on things. Anyway, this visit exhausted me, to the kilt!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn - you didn't come across cold hearted as far as I am concerned and I know you know her pain - many of us here do. I do understand about protecting your children.

Back to work today..off again tomorrow,..have a sinus infection so not feeling so well today. My baby grandson Logan has fungal infection on his little bum...dd got a script for it today.

Thank you Joan! I guess for me I had just reached a breaking point with my parents in my early 20's. I was so determined that my children would not be exposed to the violence, verbal abuse that I wasi don't ...it was an easy choice for me.

I don't intend to come across as cold hearted to Me1000... its just that I understand her pain. I tried much harder and longer with my mil who wanted all control and her way. Yes we grieve.

oh dear here we go again -

part of it is building up your self esteem and also setting boundaries about what you will and will not accept. Without decent self esteem, it is hard to really believe that you should be treated better and set those boundaries. Please look at yourself and your strengths and your good points and keep telling yourself that you deserve better and that you can have a decent life. ((((hugs)))

My heart is heavy tonight for the family of the young soldier who was shot and killed in Ottawa today. I know what it is like to lose a child and this brings back many painful memories. Thankfully it was not worse than it was. A gunman was shot and killed n the Parliament buildings and that seemed to stop it. The gunman who killed the soldier is still at large.

oops - and that is not easy and takes some time. part

I suppose the TSs had to know. Sorry that aunt has ben sucked in too. What a mess. They would try to get info from you. I imagine they like an attorney they can manipulate. expect you would be further down the road if they had a decent attny. Your mum's estate attny must have been decent and they could not manipulate him/her. I do hope things will settle down for you soon.

me -I wanted to follow up from what Sharyn said. Any significant changes are difficult even if they are for the better, and you have to grieve what you are putting behind you. When you have been brought up treated badly you gain a very high tolerance for being mistreated. That is unfortunate as then you put up with it from other people and you have to learn to not accept that kind of treatment

Thank you everybody for your support. I was not going to tell thebtwisted ones, but did that today. No offers of support, only that terrible dysfunction rearing its ugly head. And auntie dearest has been sucked into it as well. The court hearing related to full guardianship and care agreement is Monday. And the twisted ones kept trying to draw me into discussion about those items as well. Noperino, would not satisfy them and I have a hunch they tried because of instructions from their clueless attorney. This has been going on for two years! Caring for Mom for more than three. Really think that is TS's had a decent attorney we would be much farther down the road by now. And to think originally they were going to get this worked out cordially with my Mom's estate attorney. But they just did not like what he was telling them.

glad - again, I am so sorry about J and that you are losing someone who was so supportive. I find we don't meet many of those in our journey through life. I am at an age when, as a friend's mother said, people either die or lose their minds. Old friends can never be replaced, but new ones can be made. Let us know how things go.

Margeaux - actually it was easy speaking to my son. He is a very easy person to talk to. We have a good relationship, other than the initial dil problems, and he is more open now. I am lessening contact with dil, and felt, also, that I had to tell my son why. It is interesting, as I got an email from dil yesterday saying that son told her I had some anxiety about meeting with them. She said that when I was not available right away, they decided to speak to her parents which they did last week, so they do not need to meet with me and I need not be worried. It was a nice letter, not at all necessary, and had a good tone. All of that is good. What they wanted was financial advice - I gather more for dil than for both of them, from what he said. Frankly, I do not want to be that involved with dil. I think her parents are a more appropriate resource for her. She borrowed some money from me about a year ago or more (due to foolish spending on her part) and paid the last amount back the day before - after son would have talked to her. That is good too, but I will not lend to her again, If my son approached me for a very good reason I would consider it, but he never has.

She needs to realise that her choices - like restricting who I can talk about in her presence - has consequences. She has anger/resentment problems and needs to deal with those, rather than telling other people what to do or not to do. My opinion anyway.

Our nice fall weather is holding, so I must get out today again. Likely it will not last much longer. Also I need to do some de-cluttering - mainly paper stuff - and haven't been able to do much with this infection and brain fog and doing things for mother. Really getting better now and thankful to be able to do more. My drive yesterday went well and the traffic wasn't too heavy. G is home tomorrow, so need to plan some meals. I made a pork butt in Salsa Verde and it is gooood. He will like the heat.

Still thinking about what help I need and maybe more how to get it, and what I can and cannot do for mother. I know I overthink things - part of the territory of my upbringing. But I am moving forward.

Have a good day

Emjo,

This conversation with your son must have been really difficult for you.
I understand......where a parent is trying to keep just enough neutrality with their own kids, then having to also put their foot down because of an in law who causes riff w/in the family.

You know.....when I start getting that feeling, and I don't care who it is.....friends, family, that things have to be THEIR way, or even situations in which one starts to notice that things in relationships w/people are invariably controlled through them,
I really just lessen my contact with them. This is something I constantly find myself doing with my sister.

Anyway Emjo, you did the right thing, and I will say that I do understand also when a parent wants to keep those lines of communication open, and all of that too.
This is what a cousin of mine says, about her own situation of having her daughter living with her, plus two grandkids. Her daughter takes advantage of her mom's kindness, etc. Although I agree with keeping lines of communication open, that IMHO, needs to go two ways. You are very wise, and do have boundaries, so that's a wonderful thing.

I also had a chuckle through this story about G, and I'm so glad that he found his truck! HAAH! HAAH! My husband is a daredevil of sorts. He's a real couch potato. But one day, we were at the beach and totally surprised me.....climbing up a single rope, in one of these exercise set ups, where they have rings to swing on, etc. Said, he learned that in the army. Of course, he was feeling it in his back and neck few days later.

O.K., my dear, take care of you, as I know you do.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

I am very sorry to hear about this news concerning your friend.
A letter to his family is a good idea. Meanwhile.....do take care of yourself,
because you have quite a lot to contend with right now.

Big Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

It is so sad but absolutely the right thing to do. At this point the trach would not and could not save him. One can only hope he is not aware of what is going on. As soon as he is taken off the vent he will probably pass within hours especially with the brain swelling. One can only hope and pray his end is peaceful. I am sure his family will appreciate a letter from you telling of all the support he has given you.
Love and blessings to you Glad

The hardest part is J was unending support for me through all of this family dysfunction. Never judged me, i could blow off steam, and we would talk again the following night and I would blow off more steam! I need to put a letter together for his family so they know that. Thank goodness gor my AC friends and my Mom's guardian!

(((((((((((((glad)))))))))))) you really have been going through it recently. How very sad, but it sounds like the right thing under these unfortunate circumstances. I am so sorry and don't wonder that you are tired. Look after you as best you can.

Looks as if J will be taken off the ventilator in the next day or two and will not have the trach. One of his brothers is finally going down there tomorrow to talk with doctors and hospital staff. I talked with a nurse today that said the liver damage is now causing swelling in the brain. I have a hunch he will not last through the weekend. I wonder if family put off calling me because of the fire and thought i would be angry? What would the point be, we all have enough information to process without that. Had a sad conversation with his Dad tonight telling him that they are doing what J would want. He would not have wanted to live this long in the condition he is in. I have anticipated aomething like this for years, but i guess in a sort of denial that it would never happen. That miraculiouly he would become healthy again. Knowing it was not possible at the same time. Just tired.

Veronica- we are as a city on well water but due to the California drought conditions water is also coming from the dams. We will just have to wait and see hopefully we will get rain this winter or a good snow pack...here we need the rain and snow after the first of the year. Getting it now does not help us.

Sharyn do you have well? That could be where the sand is comming from

Me1000-yes you will go through a grieving period when you stop allowing the abuse. I still had contact with my parents but it was limited. When I felt the tension building I would leave. My sis would stay and yes a horrible fight broke out every time at every holiday. I left before it happened because I did not want my husband or our children exposed to the ugliness in my family. It was a very toxic home.

The dishwasher is working like a charm...however the repairman said the valve was packed with sand. We do have sandy soil here...he said he hopes it is not a pipe issue. Our house was built in 1972 all the pipes should be pvc which can crack or break. Time to save a big chunk of money just in case. I mentioned to my hubs a while back about a possible pipe issue cause our water pressure in the kitchen gets low...he cleaned out the screen on the faucet which fixed it but it too was filled with sand. They have been doing a lot of road construction near us...possibly from that...I hope.

Joan-glad G found his truck...I chuckled at your post about him losing the truck.
jessiebelle- it is hard doing what you do and planning ahead for yourself and your mother is a good idea. You are very common sense with your mother just take care of yourself too.
Veronica-i hope you can pressure them into doing the colonoscopy sooner. If it is an insurance issue probably not. If you have a deductable then you start all over in Jan.

A shout out to everyone...Margeaux, Alison, Glad, Toxicfamily, Book, Juju!!

sharynmarie- Its really not that easy, for so many years, my life basically I have been treated this way. Its weird to say because I tell people its easy too, just get out and go ( no matter situation) and think after your gone, after you atart your life again. After some friends and exes treated me badly after years I shut them out of my life, I give people chances but always gave too many. But I think because grandpa is family, its harder for me to say no, plus he pays for most things, again guilt trip, I have no right to say no. I love him but Im so ughh! He got uspet because I didnt go to his appts today, his old caretaker took, by HIS choice because hes mad at my dad! So she can handle it and why do I have to go? Dont take it the wrong way, I feel family should be with family at appts if possible but if we have help, why not? Sorry about Roxie, you'll find one! Be careful out there, your right about some breeders. Your dinner also sounded interesting- Pumpkin Soup! Sorry about your mom and dads issues, I agree theres only so much any of us can do. Electrical problems are horrible arent they? Our house is 1956, so I understand!


gladimhere-Im so sorry to hear about your friend.Also all your work and stress, you do need a break. And some good news.

emjo23-I hope everything works out for you too. Idk what Im going to do about me. I know its hard to let others to things for our loved ones, Im the same way, it took a while for me to get used to others taking my grandpa places after he went blind, people who took care of my mom, my kids etc. But, if they ever needed help with us, they would get it, so you need to get help for you. Look at it this way, you have been wonderful to so many people,( incl me) its your turn to relax, your turn to get "spoiled". You need to do what you love to do, but get some to join you! I am glad your feeling better and hope you get over your infection asap. Glad G is ok :) Good luck with your son.


toxicfamilymemb-Im sorry you were abused and you went through so much. Im also glad you were able to help you mom but walk away too. I bet its hard without your sisters, the ones we are suppose to count on huh? Im glad your at a peaceful healthy place now. My grandpa never hit us, just the verbal putdowns and demands. I hear you about family, mine is divided in two- One side is money hungry and mostly prejudice.. ( we dont talk to them except for one) the other side- with few relatives remaining have been mental disorders or alcoholics but luckily they are open arms. Still, like you, I dont have much family left either.


Countrymouse- Oh my gosh I hope everything works out for your mom and you. Im glad your mom settled it, but, I understand once you have her back what you have to go through. Can you leave town that way your not on call? Or even hide out at a Hotel? I wish you a nice week :)

AlisonBoBalison- I hope they find out what is going on as well as what needs to be done asap! I think a Rehab would be wonderful, even if he needs a NH after rehab, they could make the decision also so your mom wouldn't be able to say much? I know she means well, and I hope theres improvements for your dad and well needed rest for you. Hugs to you all.

JessieBelle- You hang in there to, your not alone, you have us! Hugs

Veronica91-you have many good points :) Hope your doing good too!


*****sorry if I forgot anyone since I last wrote... love and hugs to all

Thanks Veronica - Gary is a licensed guide, so he does know what he is doing, and has been off on his own many times. He got back to his truck in about 20 minutes. I had to laugh as his comment was "I lost the truck" - rather than he was lost. His sense of direction when moving in the wild is very good. Nonetheless, he is a risk taker and that worries me at times.

Yes, it does take longer to recover as we get older. You certainly did have a bad bout. I have never had a colonoscopy They usually stop them around age 70 unless there are reasons, and no dr. ever suggested it to me in the preceding years. Hopefully, yours will be clear.

Ex G is coming into town and asked me for a lift to one of the plants this afternoon as he got a job there. Wish me luck. The traffic on those roads is heavy and I haven't driven out there in a long time. Last time I did this was a few years ago and I managed fine, and there are more lanes now. He gives me rides when I am in E'ton, so it is reciprocal.