
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Alison who has POA for Dad if parents are divorced are you next of kin.
What does he want to happen? He can certainly come home to die with hospice if not able to eat or go to N/H either with or without a feeding tube although N/H don't usually like them. Hospice is unlikely to bring him home with an IV.
I don't remember what his general health is like. Ask lots of questions.
Sharyn hope everything gets fixed OK
Those that survive best are flexible and make the needed changes. Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Never too old to learn and change.
I worry a bit about you, Jessie. It is very easy to get lost in caregiving. At least I have G and the kids and grandkids to bring me back into the world. What changes are you looking at? Do share - we may earn something.
G does have bear stories, but that was before I met him, thankfully. :) Hugs back to you
You've been doing the same pondering I am doing about how much longer and how much more can I do. It is a huge concern about where I'll be when I come out the other side of this if I don't start making some changes. It would be easy to get lost. emjo, you've done such a good job at caring for yourself while tending to things for your mother. Even when we are tough, it can wear us down. Most of the time it seems we're okay, then something hits. I guess it is telling us we need to make changes when we can't shake something off.
Big hugs coming your way. I hope G doesn't have any bear stories. Shiver. Let us know he made it back okay.
Some good news. My son needed a drive to the airport the other day so I had a chance to talk to him alone. I told him how I feel about the restrictions dil puts on me, and he nodded and said she is having some problems these days. A few years ago, all he said was that he had to support his wife. I mentioned that I would go to their pastor with them re resolving family problems and he thought that was a very good idea. I also told him that I was finding someone else to do my nails because of the comfort level, and he said he would tell dil at the right moment. Good enough. They actually wanted to come over and talk about something else - but he said it was dil's stuff and she could tell me if she wanted. I said I would not have a repeat of what happened before, and, if it was not inflammatory, they could come over sometime. I am very cautious as I feel she wants something from me, and right now I do not have much to give her except a wide berth. I am hopeful that son is finding his spine and standing up on his hind legs. I know he has it in him if he wants to use it and she needs to know that the world does not revolve around her.
G is off hunting - alone - his uncle couldn't go. I called him and he was in the middle of nowhere in the pitch dark, had essentially lost his way, needed water and sounded tired. He will get a good talking to from me when he gets home about looking after himself better. He found a fence line when he was on the phone, so he will find his way back and will text me when he reaches the truck. Meanwhile, I am praying for his safety. Thankfully, he does have a gun and the cell phone is working. He is getting a bit old for this.
Oldest grandson has a new job - did I mention that before - and is doing well at it. I found a few more bits of clothing for mother, so getting that done - and cm - I am keeping receipts now. She wants to go out for lunch or tea once a week so we are setting that up. SW says she even smiles at her now. The wonders of meds!!!
All in all it could be worse. Now, if I could just completely get over this infection once and for all, and make sure I don't get knocked that far down again.
Have a good night all and look after you.
toxic - I am so glad that you have taken these steps and are recapturing your life. You are a good example!!! Enjoy.
Sharyn - that was courageous and the right thing to do with your parents. Good for you, and for not drinking since May. My daughter has been sober for about 20 years now. I know your recent stresses must have brought some temptations. Hope you get the electrical and dishwasher all sorted out. It is great to have a reliable company.
cm - What is he thinking? It makes me shake my head - like my sister thinking she can waltz over here and move mother to an inferior facility, and improve her life. I gather you are taking another chance at it. Ignorant - meant in the most literal way - sibs are not helpful. And thinking that he can return your mum to you, on your week off, if it does not work out. Aaaargh!!! What is his objection to the care home? When my sis used to visit mother, mother would tell me that they fight, and if it got too bad sis could just come and visit me, to get her out if mother's hair. I said "No!"
Alison - oh dear - bad enough with just your dad, but your mum now too!!!! You don't need that. You can't take care of him in his condition!!! You could refuse to bring him home on that basis. Surely the hospital will not release him until/unless the feeding issue is resolved. How much clout does your mother have other that harassing you and them. I would not think she has any if they are divorced. I would be inclined to tell her to back off - not her circus - not her monkeys. Don't let her brow beat you into anything you are not comfortable with. It sounds like your father is quite ill. Do you think you will be able to continue to look after him at home? Please do some things for yourself in the middle if this - hard I know but necessary for your health. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))
Some family developments here. Will start a new post.
My dad is still hospitalized. My mother has taken over in calling the hospital all the time and telling the nurses and doctors what to do. She started this last week, but there was enough for me to think about, so I just have let her go and do what she is going to do, and tried to keep myself together and my dad's spirits up. My father can't eat and my mother is accusing hospital staff of letting him starve to death, which isn't true of course, they are working on helping him, but she thinks she will get results by being harassing.
I've been too weary of all of it to even write about it. My mother takes an already stressful situation and works everyone (me) up into a frenzy. Now, because she is insisting they send him home (so that I can take care of him), I may not have a chance to get him put into a rehab. He still isn't swallowing or eating. What in the world can I do to help that if he comes home? My mother said I could get home nurses for him while he recovers. That's fine, but arranging that will take a few days I would think, and doctors are not saying what his prognosis is yet. I'm not pleased that she is, again, butting into a situation and making things so much more dramatic than need be. Nothing she says or threatens is actually going to get my father fed any sooner. It seems they simply haven't been able to get to the bottom of why he can't swallow. :-(
Anyway, it doesn't look like doctors are keen to just release him when they haven't sorted out if he will be able to eat by mouth or will require feeding tube.
Between my poor, sick, stubborn father and my intrusive, short-sighted, but well-meaning mother -- I'm quite grouchy lately. Hope everybody is well. (((((hugs)))))
Phone call from my brother this evening. One of those spooky ones - you're talking about somebody earlier in the day, his ears start burning (presumably), and next thing you know he's on the phone. Anyway.
It seems that they have given up the idea of finding respite care near their house and instead have decided that mother will be fine spending a week in their home.
They decided this, by the way, following a conversation SIL had with the care home where mother has stayed on three previous occasions. I have no idea what the conversation entailed. I didn't know it was happening.
So, what do you say? Brother was being very belligerent in his tone, I'd say, anticipating objections I expect. But the objections are so numerous and so obvious…
I turfed this to mother. Kept brother on the phone and passed on the invitation to her. Her face was a picture of rapidly switching emotions - wow! A week with brother. Oh. A week with SIL. But a week with brother! But who's going to be looking after her? - yup, SIL…
Decided I was being cruel and gave him her first response of "thank you very much, how nice."
Well now. What's the worst that can happen?
Brother said it would be okay, because if it turned out to be disastrous they'd bring her straight back again. Well, actually, no that is not okay because when I get a week off, I want a week off, not a week on call. But never mind that, if it turns out to be disastrous in the way I fear, namely that they drop her on her head or she gets disoriented and leaves the house, they won't be bringing her anywhere. She'll be coming back either in an ambulance or in a box.
In the end I stuck my tongue in my cheek and said to brother: "rather you than me."
Mother wants to go, is the thing. Which kind of settles the argument. And if/when she comes back absolutely shattered, with her arms bruised from SIL's vice-like grip and her legs ulcerated and her bowels all over the place… well, happy Christmas. It'll take me a month to sort her out again. This is just the *worst* idea.
Have a good day and night everyone!!
The point is...like you and like I did...you have to walk away or it consumes your life, your family time, your marriage and everything else in your life. It was many years before I accepted another house key from my mother.
Emjo, thank you, just so much right now. Then made the mistake of calling a life time friend of his. That did not go well, because as alcolholics do they alienate friends and family. This friend must have been quite hurt by whatever was said to him. But, he sent me an email in the night and maybe he will help. He was quite nasty to me on the phone, haven't talked with him in probably 6 years. He actually asked me "why don't you take care of him since you are already taking care of two others?". Doesn't have a clue.
And you have the court hearing coming up. (((((((((hugs)))))))
Sharyn - good luck with finding the right pooch. Matt was thoroughbred - he had his papers. I saw an ad in the paper for a give away. They had young children and something had happened, so he was afraid of them and it just wasn't working. He was 2 yrs old and tolerated the cats well. I miss him. Eating an anti-inflammatory diet is not hard - just requires knowing what to eat and not to eat and a little planning. After a while it becomes a habit. Legumes - peas, beans, lentils are good - and make a very healthy meal - chili, soup etc. I make big batches and freeze them.
me - sorry things are continuing as they were. I see that g'pa holds him supporting you and the kids over your head. He sounds like a bully. Bad mouthing you to neighbours isn't doing your self esteem any good. Glad your dad got through surgery OK. I hope you will get to the dr soon to look into that problem you have. Being dependent on someone else for your care is hard, especially when they use it against you.
austn - blue cheese - yum, though I can't have it now.
juju -hoping your new plans work out as you want them too, You could use a break.
linda - it really does make a difference. I had a girlfriend with bad arthritis and who was very overweight. She ate all the wrong things and got worse and worse. She was 6 months younger than me and pretty disabled - needed a walker. She needed more and more meds and lived in pain. I am convinced if she has eaten properly she would not have been so bad. Unfortunately she was killed in an auto accident last Christmas.
Margeaux - walking really does help doesn't it? I don't always eat what G eats though he has pretty healthy tastes. I concentrate on what I feel is good for me.
Alison - how is your dad and his kidneys and bladder? Have they looked into what caused him not to be able to speak properly? My father has small strokes from which he would recover, but over time they took a toll. It is important stay hydrated as you get older, It helps to prevent strokes. The docs should know that he was like that. I think looking into more care for him is a good idea. Look after yourself in all of this too.
cmag, countrymouse, veronica, everyone - hi
I have not heard any more from my son about meeting with them and will let it go for now. Having said that I would contact them, I will, but am in no hurry as I am still not up to par. If he contacts me, I have my answer ready.
Have a good weekend everyone and do something good for you.
May never come for a quiet weekend in the mountains again.
Yes, I check out craigslist, Thank You!!
She is so timid, she wouldn't even come out of her igloo house to greet us. We decided she would be better off with a family with no other pets so she can get all the love and attention to nurture her personality. I couldn't help but tear up when they told us her story. It brings on a rant but I won't go there but it is about people...how they treat innocent children and animals.
I am making pumpkin soup with coconut milk, cayenne, onions, celery...etc plus we are having Salmon with a mango/avocado salsa. Cooking always makes me happy and love to do it...it does take up a big part of the day..but will have pumpkin soup for either lunch or when I get home from work.
Countrymouse- Ya, I reread it, I make no sense! Im so upset! I agree let the people he hired to paint do it! Well my plans are now canceled and I told him that and he sarcastically said" oh go- even though I canceled them!
***Plus, I even hate climbing on ladders yes 3 steps is to high and I have the dropsies, is why I prefer to use and wash plastics! Or metal... Add I had plans!
Plus he brought up money, money, money again. I been walking in holy clothes( ok a teen it was cool) but adult obese mom trying to get a job, with holes around the "chest area" and all over not good. So I asked for clothes and he did buy also for my kids but oh Im not hearing the end of it!!! ( Medical bills were high for everyone incl him but me(- I dont go) this month and non stop how we went through money etc. Yes add a few splurge monies for Halloween costume which was actually reg clothes for daughter and a field trip for son,books for son he reminds us constantly. I feel bad and guilty and told him and he blew saying when I say that it makes him to be an as$.
Oh add I went to try to feed him again because he refused lunch and the neighbor warmed up a tv dinner and a drink because apparently I dont do it!!! Just as he told her I didnt make him breakfast on Friday but I did, hash browns and eggs with cheese and she to my face said" since he didnt eat Im getting him breakfast tacos" I told her he ate!! Of course if hes hungry again, yes, more food any he wants!! But telling people he didn't eat when he did what the? He really paints it bad about me and thats why all the neighbors hate me ( all but two houses) .
Sorry, since when does he decide what you're doing on a given morning? If he needs the room cleared for decorating on Monday, fair enough; but where is it written in the home decorator's manual that the room has to be cleared by you? He needs to find a volunteer. You're busy.