The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Contact you Area council on aging and/or Adult protective services and tell them everything you have just told us.. How are you living without a job? Are you married?
Tell Grandpa and dad that you can't continue to do this and stick by your guns. Time to set boundaries and get out the big girl panties

I was suppose to read and catch up and I will soon. You all are in my thoughts .

Well as usual Im put down on my cooking( ok well, i agree to a point, last night it was messed up but its almost ALL the time complaints, he doesnt eat right he tells his old caretaker right in front of me when HE just refused a healthy TV dinner or Progresso can of soup that I cant ruin! Then he says after he hung up the phone when I said" gee Im bad at it all and not feeding you" he said oh god here we go again you took it the wrong way, I meant me, I choose not to eat... but he said it to his old caretaker after he mentioned one of her yummy meals she made! Of course he doesnt want to pay a lot for meals on wheels for lunch, the Meals On Wheels told us to apply through the VA and they see him as qualified because of his age and disabilities but wondered why I cant be there to cook, well gee wiz I was trying to find a job but most people here along with grandpa thinks I should be there all the time or at least 18-20 hours a day again! ( grandpa denies it then gets mad Im not there). So hes trying to find rides to take him to appts like a caregiver sort wanted free, but so far no go they wont stay with him and he needs the person there. So even if he pays someone to take him, he STILL wants me to go, see they are just a ride ( IM not driving at the present) but when I mention I need a job he says God yes please get one so I know you will be ok and yet he gets mad when Im not there! but Im there up to 12 plus hours a day, why cant my dad ( they are fighting) go fix a drink and meals, or he hire someone? Nights? I want a night a week at least with my kids( ok more) and have one night there for a caregiver at least. Plus I need to take something at night a sleep pill so I can sleep through the night-actually get sleep and cant do that at his house in case he needs me. Of course I get ragged on about EVERYTHING else too

Then Sat and Sun are my mornings off when other girl comes in( new sched was every 4days) and she leaves early so I have to go back, still for lunch and dinner and nights. Plus he JUST told me this morning" your gonna get mad and say I have you working all time but you are going to take all the dishes and figurines down in the kitchen in the morning because a neighbor is painting on Monday" And this was after I told him a friend of mine that he also likes is coming over with her child, and I had cleaning( last day before our air is being shut off for heater and I cant work with the heater its still hot esp when working up a sweat, and I promised my son we'd volunteer, and add it was my morning off! Im so upset! I dont mind helping but omg on my so called hours off? I know he does a lot but this is why I cant get nothing done or spend time with people etc. So, no cleaning MY home, no volunteer and no friend that hasnt been over here in sooo long.

My kids, well same old same old. My dads heart surgery went well but hes having some other problems so its a circle... My daughters dog.. mine as Im claiming her cuz kids have slacked off with them is having an issues, so off to the VET this week. My health is also worse, just not feeling right.

Well my usual saga of drama- sorry to repeat, just needed to vent. :/

I knew if I waited long enough blue cheese would be fond good for you-I feel so guilty when I order it on my salads.

Awesome...Just read that blue cheese dressing is anti inflammatory...I love blue cheese if I use a dressing or dipping sauce...not a big Ranch fan!!

I am off tomorrow...my agenda is 1) Check out Roxie, a boxer at a local shelter 2)make pumpkin soup with sage, red pepper, Jalapeno and a splash of tomato,add some pastachios...freeze the leftovers for my lunch/dinner at work. 3) make turkey chili...I found these recipes online for an anti inflammatory diet...will also freeze some of the turkey chili for lunch/dinner at work. I will go back to eating more greek yogurt and add berries to it for a brunch (I am not a big breakfast eater)...but I will work on adding oatmeal as the weather gets colder here. The pumpkin soup recipe I found uses coconut milk and chicken broth or vegetable broth. Here I go on this ...also decided I will call a Chiropractor on Monday. I know Chiropractors are great...just hate the time commitment of appts 3 times a week in the beginning.

Best part of a solitary weekend in the mountains? I don't have to have the volume on teh tv blowing me out of the room! Maybe I will sleep all day tomorrow!

Alison have they ruled out a stroke? Difficulty swallowing is one thing but to suddenly not be able to eat sounds as though it has a more serious cause. Also the fact that he could not speak that first morningdoes point towards something neurological.
he will certainly qualify for rehab he has spent enough days in the hospital to qualify. Also with a catheter and feeding tube he should qualiffy for skilled nursing care in a nursing home which may be your best answer as you have to work. I doubt he will manage the feedings himself while you are not home. Think about what is best for both of you. You may find he has figured it out for himself.If he was a veteran he would qualify for a Vets Home. most vets of his age are from WW11.
Have a good rest over the week end. nothing will happen till Monday now.

Veronica, your comment is very timely. Something hit me today... I've been on AgingCare for a few years now, I've read about what is to be expected in certain situations and I'm at the realization that no matter how much I may even want to try to care for my father, it doesn't matter because he doesn't listen to me and I'm not preventing him from repeatedly putting himself in harm's way. I'm exhausted and need to sleep on it but I'm thinking I'm going to approach the hospital staff about either sending him to rehab for awhile, once they can sort out his issues and stabilize him... or getting him a home nurse. Something. I'm not "giving up on him," but I can see that I haven't prevented his decline. Still no answers at hospital today. This may drag out for awhile. They are testing everything and trying to help him be able to eat orally... but so far, that's not working. I was at hospital earlier, but home now and I'm going to rest so I can have a clear head and comprehend where he's at and what is in his best interest. Thanks all, a million thanks. Any and all input is always encouraged, please. :-) I'll give more details as I learn them but there really isn't much decided by his doctors at this point.

Alison i expect they plan to do a cystoscopy to look inside his bladder. That is just a scope they pass like a catheter. they can take biosies but not repair anything. Hopefully ad the same time they will do a gastroendoscopy which means passing a long flexible tune into his stomach. there ar other tests they can do for his inability to swallow. they may place a stomach tube at the same time as that invoves a small incision in his abdomen. As far as the kidney failure is concerned, that could be temporary and is onviously not total as he has begun to pass urine and probably the anti biotics are helping too. They may consider dialysis depending on his general health and quality of life. It's his call. it is not a difficult proceedure but many people find it very tiring and it does take several hours probably three times a week. Depending where you are you may have to travel a distance to a special center. As I said it is his decision but someone has to be available to take him. If the kidney failure is severe dialysis won't keep him going for very long and he will find it too exhausting. It may turn out to be time for hospice.
A lot for you all to discuss and agree on. Blessings.

Veronica,

Yes, the food chain is very polluted!
Current day too.....we have to be watching out for so many things.
There's just no such thing as clean farming anymore, as in the old days, when probably food was more clean in the sense it wasn't laden with a lot of this stuff.
Yes, and you must be psychic I did have a glass of the HAAH! house wine.
Thanks!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Linda22,

You are right! I used to be more vegetarian before I met my husband. He's such a meat and potatoes kind of guy. I plan to do a small detox of sorts, very soon.
I have also recently really been devoting serious time to my walking routine.
I notice when I get off track with exercise, that I also start to feel those aches and pains also. Thanks for the encouragement!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison~I am happy your father is getting the medical attention he needed. It does sound like your father may also be relieved as well. I honestly don't know anything about it, but assume it may involve dialysis???Hang in there sweetie, I know it is a tough place to be in and you are handling it well.

Glad~Good for you in letting the conservator know that you will make decisions regarding your step father. Sometimes these people just want to take over everything.

Juju~ Great on the good news for you and your mom. It is long over due and I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers that it all comes to pass for you.

Joan~Thank you for info the anti-infammatory diet.I will look into ways to incorporate it into my work schedule.

I received an email from the boxer rescue foundation. They are located in Walnut Creek. Hubs not thrilled about driving all that way, but if he wants a boxer, not much choice. They are open on Sat 12-5 and it is first come first serve. A puppy from a breeder is over $1,500...ridiculous, but that is what breeders charge. I may change my mind and just settle for another small dog as a playmate for Midget. I don't want to spend my days off going on a hunt with no guarantees. I would love to have a boxer since they are great family pets, the perfect size for me to take out for pictures by myself...not willing to go that extra mile to get one. There is one at a shelter locally, they have had her for 2 weeks with no takers yet. If still available Sat, will take Midget to introduce and see how they react to each other...no guarantees.

Tattoo his agreement on his forearm where he will always remember.

That's brilliant, Alison, really good to hear he's in the mood for joking. And for eating! Hope you got his agreement on tape, there…

I did tell my dad today that next time he's sick I'm clubbing him over the head and taking him in to the hospital. He said "That's a good idea." :-)

My father has urine output today, the color is ok given the situation. If he has urine output, his kidneys must be functioning, right? :-) He is severely underweight and the staff at hospital aren't giving him any food because he continues to have trouble swallowing, and he might be facing a surgery - or two. There is suspicion about a bladder rupture and he may require a feeding tube, but nothing determined at this point. He was in decent, even good, spirits today. His jokes about food (he's hungry!) were pretty funny and never stopped. No, dad, I can't sneak you in a meatloaf sandwich. I'm still very tired (just not getting good sleep, not for lack of trying) but happy that the desperate situation and his level of misery seems a little improved.

Older bro is back from his cruise today, and both him and younger bro are aware of the situation, but no inquiries from either of them to check on dad. I'm not judging... I don't know if they really get the severity of how sick he is/was. I'm thinking I will send an update text message to each of them tomorrow and give them dad's hospital room phone number, in case they want to call him. Good night, all.

Well, I'm back. My family certainly is dysfunctional. Sorry I don't post about your situations. Just overwhelmed with mine. Here I am stuck in a little bitty town in the mountains. My mother is 200 miles away from me. My car is older, I can't go see her as much as I would like. Sister won't give me a ride. Actually sister wouldn't give me a ride across town, much less 200 miles away. Mom can't talk on the telephone anymore. So I have no idea how she is, how the staff is treating her, or anything about her. There is no public transportation here in the backwoods. No bus service. I am disabled and can't get there. This so frustrating!!! Sister will not give me any word as to how Mom is doing. If I ask for a brief update, I get screamed and yelled at. I think I may have a ride later this month but with someone who is not reliable. Frustration!!

Margeaux I would first point my finger at the hambuger. heaven only knowes what they put in that meat these days. Then there is the bun, full of glutin and chemicals, if not in the flour then used on the grain while it is growing.
Did you by chance also have a glass of wine. if it was the house brand it was probably full of sulphides and other things. Our whole food chain is toxic these days

Margeaux, I never would've believed that diet could have such profound effect on arthritis. But four days after doing what's basically a vegan diet, I felt so much better. At the time, people were telling me to try Celebrex, NSAIDS (which I was already using). I have a friend who found that carbs are her trigger - my sister is a big fan of grape juice with liquid pectin for her arthritis. So much better to treat the root cause, rather than symptoms.

Emjo,

Great stuff about the anti-inflammatory diet.
I had a flare up last week, and interesting it was after my husband and me went out. I do a lot of cooking at home, because I'd rather watch out for what we eat.
That evening......of all things I ate french fries......which I rarely eat. I also ate a hamburger. Red meat also seems to inflame. Then, there's the nightshade plants of which potatoes is one of them. Last week I cheated too. The husband has a serious sweet tooth and bought some delicious Biscotti's w/chocolate on them.
I'm afraid I went overboard. So by Monday, oh boy......was I feeling the damage.
Of course, this will also inflame sinuses too. Interesting how these conditions overlap.

Thanks for the reminder, I sure needed it.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cmagnum,

I'd wanted to post to you all week. I'm very sorry about your dad's decline.
It is good to hear though that he seems to have a caregiver who can accompany him like this, and I'm also glad to hear that he can still express some joy in the fact that you were going there. This is still important to an elder, no matter what.
Please keep us updated, and I'll keep you and yours in my thoughts.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Bonkers conservator. Now she seems to think she can schedule a geriatric care assessment for Mom's hubby. I am his MDPOA! Who does she think she is?! So I e-mailed her to inform her that I will take care of any of this sort of business in collaboration with him!

Oh Allison, (crosspost) Good Good Good, glad to hear you are in good spirits and dad is getting help!! XOXOX

Joan,
Thanks for the input on A/I, no not artificial intelligence, lol.....I actually cannot read it right now but will get back to it. I have monster headache above the eyes making difficult to concentrate but thanks, I know my diet is poor and it is my biggest challenge as I prefer healthy home cooked but since mom went wheelchair bound life has changed, it is all about just getting something to eat as conveniently as possible. and food is my only pleasure lately, I am sure I don't overeat so it must be poor choices for sure I guess I will just have to force myself.
Got some good news the other day for once, we could sure use a break, It is literally a lifesaver!!! The stress it will relieve on me, allowing me to be a better caretaker and enjoy my time more with mom than it just being another grueling day of chores n diapers, etc....You all should know I love her more than anything but it is so difficult with the 24/7 hands on care all by myself. I cant believe this opportunity is before us, restoring my hope and faith!!!

Asking for prayers that this new development works out well for us!!!

Thanks again, and Everyone may you be blessed in the challenges you face!
Alison...praying for U!!!

Peace, Juju

Thinking of you, Alison. If there's a silver lining, maybe it's a chance to catch up on some sleep?

If your father's kidneys were packing up he wouldn't have been producing much urine, so he wouldn't have felt discomfort, so he didn't feel the need to deal with the catheter, I guess..? I hope they're making comfortable now, anyway. Hugs to you, and no regrets.

They doctors are still saying "kidney failure," the catheter in his urethra is a separate issue. They were able to get the old cath out and begin draining this morning. I don't know if I understood that fully last night, that it was 2 separate issues. Stress and little sleep makes my brain soft, haha. I'm so, so glad he's in the hospital and getting help. I'll be heading there shortly.

Glad, it is funny (and by funny, I mean predictable, haha) that TSs are showing more interest. Keeping my fingers crossed for a good outcome of this whole thing for you and mom.

Sharyn, a few weeks ago I put in an application at a shelter to adopt a dog. They haven't responded or called me. I guess I need to follow up with them but then right now isn't the time, obviously. Good luck finding your new friend. :)

Book, more and more I UNDERSTAND what you've always talked about with regard to your dad's stubbornness and putting himself in harm's way. You have more experience with caregiving to your dad than I do. When I first came here, my dad was not under doctor's care, did not take any medications, and seemed mostly just fine. His issues are compounding in the past 2 years. It's one thing that leads to another that leads to another. His decline, his weight loss, his rise in blood pressure have all been so... FAST... it seems. And my sil says something like, "his decline makes sense since he never went to doctor, there were underlying issues brewing." I totally agree with that idea but it's still been something for both of us to wrap our minds around all these new, permanent health issues. Maybe my dad learned a lesson, maybe he didn't. Time will tell, I suppose.

I am much less stressed now than I have been for past 1.5 weeks. Now my dad is in the hospital, and is getting help. So I'm not too stressed. Concerned, yes, but not frazzled like I was. I knew he was desperately ill and not being able to get him medical care was the worst part. Thanks for the caring and well-meaning input and advice from all.

(((((Hugs))))) to all, Happy Thursday.

ABB, thanks for the updates. It would be awful if it's his kidney. When my dad had his pneumonia and refused to go to the clinic until his left lung was almost filled with fluid, he was in so much pain and struggling to breath. Since then, he is so scared about getting it again. He insists that he sits up higher when eating/drinking. Sometimes he waits for me to come home because he says that oldest sis doesn't bother to help him sit up better when drinking. I tend to help him sit up a lot when it's my shift. So, I'm thinking that your father will learn his lesson after this - to change his catheter when it's time.

As for his meds, that might be another story. Hopefully it won't be a constant struggle. My dad absolutely refuses to take his high blood pressure pills. Before his stroke, after his stroke, up till current day.

Well Spice Girl was adopted already...not surprised. I have another boxer in mind that is local...she is estimated to be 3-5 years old, very sweet. I am go see her on Saturday taking Midget with me to see how the 2 get along.I have also sent out 2 emails for 2 other female boxers that are younger in Sacramento area. I would prefer a puppy so I can acclimate it with my cat...but if these older boxers are cat friendly, I will consider them as well.

Alison~Please realize that you have done the best possible regarding his care. When dealing with a difficult elder our hands are tied and we have to go by what the laws dictate. Your father has been getting progressively worse. His choices are still legally allowed which limits what you know needs to be done. Sending you Hugs, and keeping you and your father in my thoughts and prayers.

Boy, oh boy! Court 10 days away and the dysfunction is really rearing its ugly two heads! And all of the sudden, TS's are feigning more interest and concern. Imagine! If only two weeks indicated aome sort of ongoing interest. I think the judge will see right through it. I sure hope this hearing happens! But i do have my doubts. I expect one attorney to back out entirely. She has been unresponsive to other attorneys even at this point. Give her a POA to prepare, otherwise she is lost.