The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Juju~The repairman said it a valve that needs replaced...$158 including labor so I feel it is worth it since I spent over $700 for this dishwasher. However, I did ask him about spending extra money on appliances today and he does not recommend it because they are not built to last like back in the day. Your dishwasher sounds like a defect with it, you may be able to search online using the model #, serial # to see if there are problems with that particular machine.

I went to dr, he wants xrays...but the hospital want $300 up front...25% of the total bill according to my insurance. I don't have it right now...maybe in a couple weeks I can do it. My deductable has not been met this year...of course it hasn't since it is $2000. My insurance is not the best at all.

sharyn I bout a brand new dishwasher round same time and that SOB has never worked right! it did for a couple months and then started backwashing waste and dishes came out filthy.. I was told it was the hose that needed to be mounted a certain way, and did that with the new cabinet install and it still doesn't work! I was by hand and put in there to dry! I am not ready to buy another yet.

Thanks Joan and all,
Don't get me wrong, my sibs were never allies either, far from it, that's how this all happened, enough is enough!!! I just miss having family, not them in particular, I have none, that I have any established relationships with, any kids, sibs, cousins, aunts, uncles, nephews or in laws of alike, etc....... they all are far away in distance and bonding. Besides a 1 funeral and 1 wedding, childhood was the last time we all even talked/stayed in touch with the ones nearest. Most I have not seen or talked to since I was 4th grade on a cross country summer stay with grandma!!!!

Facebook is a funny thing too cause I looked up and found my cousins cross country, sent him a nice letter with friend request and he accepted the request but has not once answered a message or acknowledged me with one word? Why even accept the request then, anyway, I tried!
Just makes me wonder have several people do the same thing...do they need the #of friends to be high or ??? Well the cousin I do know best 8hrs away have talked a bit thru FB messenger, but very casual, it is nice to interact with her tho!
I think our extended families drifted apart due all the dysfunction going on in our lives as well as the distance, I cant be sure! I was just too little to know why but that is how it was..and come to think of it, probably why I went to spend a summer with Gma, some crap going on at home, none of the other California cousins did that.
All I do know police, courts, violence and tantrums were a constant with boys, and dad with the drinking but at least he tried to manage himself and saw a dr, the boys wont!! in our family, until it ended 9 ys ago, just a mess, anyway!

I wonder also now as I am writing this...I wonder if it is different cause they are boys...do women vs women family drama more common or intense than with the boys! IDK just thinking
So all that summarized, maybe I do need to correct my statement as ending contact is hard if you do not have any other supportive family! Thanks for letting me blow of some steam about this!

Hi helponthe way

There are various sites on the internet if you google "cooking a frozen turkey" wikihow is one, busycooks.about and also food and others. The methods are similar.

Basically, you set the oven at 325 degrees and count on 50% more time than a thawed one the same size. Say 5 to 5 1/2 hrs for a 12-13 lb turkey. Of course, it depends on your oven too. My current oven is slow, my last one was fast, so I count on 6 hrs. You may need to adjust times. Use a thermometer to check the "doneness". Generally a low sided pan is recommended for even cooking, but I saw it done in a traditional covered roaster and the bird was lovely. It is more difficult to stuff, as the bird will be hot when it reaches the temp that you can remove the bag containing the giblets - about 1/2 way through cooking, or when it is thawed enough to do so. They suggest using silicone oven mitts. If the bag is paper you can leave it in, if plastic it needs to be removed. You can stuff at this point if you want to. I have removed the bag, or left it in. I make stuffing and cook it separately.

It is so much easier that taking days to thaw a turkey and worrying about salmonella etc. This is supposed to be very safe, and I have found it makes a very moist bird. You can tent the breast with tin foil, if it looks like it is cooking faster than the rest, or whatever you would do with any bird. In theory, this method gets the whole turkey cooked properly at the same time. Good luck!

Emjo,

Please share about how to cook a frozen turkey. That will come in handy for many of us.
Thanks

Sallie I know you will enjoy that beach when the time comes. All you have had to endure will just roll away and you can have some well-deserved peace!

to add --I was thinking about some of your responses and also other things I have read here, and I would say that dil is narcissistic. It has to be all about her. Even the church work she does is to put herself in the spotlight. I think she feels badly about herself, and has to keep doing things to pump herself up. I see her going from one project to another, and the older projects are of no interest any more, or the people associated with them. For example, she was reaching out to a niece with some of the same mental health issues that she herself has. Now she has taken on some youth work in the church, and I asked about how her niece was doing. She showed no interest. So how much was actually about the niece and helping her, and how much was about making herself look and feel good. Drama queen and center of the universe - aaargh - another one.

juju - my sis has never been an ally or a friend, quite the opposite, so I do not miss having her in my life. In fact, though it has taken some time to accept her as she is, I enjoy the peace. I have had to build supportive friendships outside of family. I am sorry that you miss your sibs, but glad you are looking after you.

Glad - that lady is very, very strange. I know you have all the proof you need to back up your responses. What a total pain!!!

Thanks sharyn - I know my son and dil are a united front and I have no desire to come between them. I would like her to work on getting mentally and physically healthier and dealing with her various issues, and I would like to see my son stop enabling her but there is nothing I can do about it but pray for them. I really can't afford much drama, so I think I will bow out of this one. She can set whatever rules she likes about who I can speak about in her presence, but there are consequences. I just don't have a lot of energy to devote to this. I will talk to G when he gets home, but right now I just want to avoid her. I know this affects my relationship with my son, but I have no control over that, or her unhealthy attitudes. I can set some boundaries too and need to for my health. Glad you got the phone thing sorted out. Hope you get some answers for your knee and back, and that the dishwasher gets fixed soon.

Hi Me - hugs to you too.

Austin (((((((hugs))))) what a horrible situation. This division of family by in laws is not nice. There really is nothing much one can do. I agree best to let go and not dwell upon it. In my case, I suspect my dil will come to me looking for support for something too, and my response will be different from the past.

Canadian Thanksgiving here. G has requested turkey when he gets back. No prob. He showed me how to cook it frozen a few years ago. It takes a little longer, but makes a very moist bird. I am getting over a sinus infection, thankfully. Maybe I will get out for a walk today too. I love the changing colours of the leaves, and the berries on the trees and bushes.

Sharyn you were very brave and took the lid off the pot and looked to see what was bubbling inside. Now it's definitely up to you to decide if it will make a good dinner. You certainly don't need the rest of us stirring it for you. time for healing now.

I am at a place where talking about this issue btwn hubs is me...is something that requires me to not focus on it...not burying the pain and anger ...but if I continue to talk about it....the pain and anger consumes all my time. I want to tell all of you how grateful I am for the support here... it has been awesome and I never really thought how common this type of unfaithfulness is with older spouses. I want you all to know that if something similar comes up...even though I don't want to talk about it...for me...please give the same support to others who are struggling with this issue.

I looked up online the issue with my new cell phone....so I changed a setting about the screen saver turning dark...my phone was set to never...I change it to 1 minute...now my phone is not using all the battery life.

I spent most of the morning running errands...I have appt tomorrow with my PCP regarding my knee and lower right back. I will make appt right now for the repairman to come out tomorrow afternoon..hopefully that will work out with his schedule. Hugs to everyone!!

Austin~{{{{HUGS}}}}, your situation is very painful for you to witness. Such a shame when someone wants to have this type of power/control over other family members. All I can add that may help you and others....I see people like this being so hyper vigilant in protecting their little cocoon against any alien invaders, that their inner life is filled with so much turmoil and chaos which they themselves are causing...but just can't see it.

It is very hard with dysfunctional families I am going through that now which is sad because my brother is very sick and his wife is making it impossible for us to see him and she will be the first one to expect emotional support down the line-but will not get it from me-I have to just let go and not dwell on the situation .

Over 10 days of missed reading - I have a lot to catch up and see whats going on with you all. So, 2morrow is a good day for that... to all - hugs.

Juju~I understand what you are saying...I have an older brother who does not know I exist...I tried to bridge the gap but he wanted nothing to do with me...I decided it was for the best since his wife's brother had attempted to molest me when I was 14 years old and no sense trying to have relationship with my brother when he has a stronger relationship with his wife's brother.

Glad~I hope you set the record straight with the conservator...may have an typo of her own when she clearly meant your sisters.

Joan~I sort of understand what you are going through with dil. When I was dealing with my mil berating me left and right, she did it right in front of my husband....but she did it very indirectly so my hubs did not catch on...but I did. When I had enough, I told my hubs about it...he went to talk with his parents about it...they denied it, said I misunderstood. Then the next time I saw his mother, she attacked me again..indirectly...saying I had to have my husband fight my battles for me. Her ploy was to pit us against each other so her and fil's relationship with their son (my hubs) would stay in tact. So be careful as I know you will be and Yes...do not meet with them without G/ and neutral territory.

Butterfly1~great insight and your own personal quote that is very true. We must take responsibility for our dysfunction even though it was brought on by our parents/grandparents. It has to stop somewhere so why not with us??

I am off tomorrow and Tuesday and much to do. Call repairman to look at the dishwasher as we can't figure out the hoses, no screen can be found and the warnings on the dishwasher basically say not to touch the hoses, LOL!!! Hubs was confused thinking the dishwasher was already 15 years old...lets just get a new dishwasher (may still happen)...but I reminded him that I bought the dishwasher around 2006-07. I will check out the oven/broiler tomorrow to see if it is working right...the stove top works so that is a good sign.

I have to take my new cell phone in because it will not hold a charge all day. Either a defect in the phone or a bad battery which I will not pay for new battery.

Off and running, have a good night.

Screwy, dysfunctional conservator! We have a hearing on the 27th if we get that far. The approaching date has sisters more responsive to communication from guardian that up until last week had never receives a response from them in pretty much the past 10 months.

I think the conservator is developing Alzhimer's of her own. It is very bizarre. She sent a large packet of the various motions, etc. In her letter to the court she stated that I had not provided the information when in fact Isaw Started printing out all emails to Pat, a 3 inch binder so far with emails and attachments.

Getting tired, too many typos!

I mean i do struggle with missing having a family however dysfunctional they were.... it is almost worst than having them...almost....but not quite! it's not like there gone and the problem is gone. I am reminded often of them and it never goes away, bdays n holidays are the worst.
I wonder what they are doing, are they ok, it is not fun either!!! they were awful to me but i still care about them, i actually googled recently to see if they are still alive, etc.. After i felt so bad, was heartbreaking to me in itself to be in that position. their my family and i loved them unconditionally until their actions threatened mothers livelihood and well being!
Anyway not about me, just explaining the dark side of that choice! it is something not to be taken lightly!

Emjo- how rude of me to just but in like that. I cannot say anything to help you through your situation... i barely skimmed it a bit and had to stop, I cannot even let my mind go there, even for others, apparently!! It still bothers me too much, I am sorry So to prevent this wave of grief, I had to think a happy thought, like sticking my toes in the sand!!
It is calm but not really so dreamy...the grass is always greener on the other side.... However I am sure it stops the insanity!!!!.

juju - you made the right decision. No contact for 9 years sounds like heaven!!! Yes, you deserve something good for you when this is all over.

margeaux - my feeling is that dil was waiting for me to say the wrong thing so she could jump in me. She never used to go on these short trips. Oh well.

Just went for a lovely walk and took a few more pics. A little cooler now but still nice. Hope everyone has a good week.

Emjo,

I totally get the part about DIL goes along to monitor conversations.
My brother is constantly monitored by his wife. When ever any one calls him at their home, or on his cell, if SIL is within earshot, she always takes my bro through an interrogatory of sorts, "Who called," that kind of neurosis! She's very possessive of all of her relationships.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks Margeaux. I feel dil is trying to alienate family as she feels threatened or something, This way she feels she is in control. My daughter not only has children, but is good looking and has a great figure even approaching age 50.

Re the meeting, I need to discuss it with G. I will not allow a repeat of what happened before. It was a major, as you say, nuclear dump, and they wouldn't leave though I asked them to, as they were just rehashing and rehashing, I was sick with the candida, and exhausted. It was all about her. I agree if we meet it will be on neutral ground. Dil says me talking about my mum upsets and stresses her. This came after I asked son to be my back-up when I went on holidays. All that meant was that the hospital could call him if something happened and he would get a hold of me. He declined because it upset her. But if her dad dies first, she will have her mum come and live with them. They drive south for hours to help her parents. A little out if balance, I would say. All I ask my son for is a drive to or from the bus depot or airport once in a while when I go south. Recently she comes too, I think to monitor our conversation. I will use cabs or ask my daughter from now on.

What a mess. I bent over backwards the first time to smooth things over, but nothing has really changed. I am not doing the same this time.

Thanks to you and Veronica for the support. G is away for another week, I don't want to talk to my daughter about it as she has her own problems with them. I put in a call to my oldest son, who is very sensible, but no answer yet, and he may not want to get involved and that's OK. It helps to vent and get some feedback.

Yes, detach, detach, detach.

sallie - makes sense to me. You gotta do what you gotta do and it should be good for you.

I divorced my siblings after dad passed and they made my life miserable. I had to take care of her not waste time and energy on the negative behavoirs! thank goodness a social worker pointed it out, that I need to make a choice mom or them, I still tried for a year but it only escalated! I just moved out of state, where we could afford to live and have not contact in 9 ys.... Some day I will be on that beach with you!!! I am planning it out, now, the only way I will get thru this. After this is done, and doing it 100% alone, I deserve it!! if I just have the shirt on my back that will be fine if my toes are in the sand!!!

1butterfly, I have already told my husband when my mom passes I am divorcing my sister's and never want anything to do with them for not helping with the care of my mother I am sick of the excuses, lies, selfishness, self importance and the horrible way they have treated me. My husband is retired now at age 57 and I am 53 we are looking into moving to Florida when my mother passes so I will be 1000 miles away from them lying on a beach with an umbrella drink and loving life.

Emjo,

The situation that you have described with your DIL, is the very same way with my SIL, who is now recovering from that surgery. She and my sister have had a go at it during my brother's 20 something yr. marriage with periods of not speaking to one another too. I'm 90% sure there's some mental illness involved with her. Then my sister...she obviously has some issues too, my guess a personality disorder big time!
I haven't been affected much, because I avoid this stuff. Lucky for me this brother lives very far, so I do not see them that often. SIL made sure of that when they bought this home, the alienation from our family.

If I were you....I would not permit this meeting, no less in your home.
If, and I do say a big if.....you do want to meet them do have G w/you and arrange it in a neutral meeting place. Nothing worse than fretting a meeting as such, and you already have a big clue. It would be awful for them to bring their craziness to your homefront. I look at that as very bad vibes, and yes they would be doing
the major nuclear dump.

Their expectations with all of what you've said that she doesn't want you mentioning your mom......is real loco, if you ask me! But this is how far gone people can become when their mental issues haven't been addressed.

My brother is in the same situation as your son about taking his wife's side.
Well, not much one can say about that! Sure it's real unfortunate for the rest of family who is ultimately affected by this. I can't tell you how many times we've been affected by this very issue in our family, when SIL is stirring trouble.
My sister's reactions don't ingratiate matters either.

Detach, detach, detach is what I think.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I have to agree with you butterfly - it is easier to blame others than to do the work necessary to take charge of your life and get healthier. Thanks

I, too feel some compassion for the DIL; however, some people tend to play the victim because if their past. That is easier than taking responsibility for themselves. They expect people to tolerate their behavior because of past abuse or whatever. If people like that had the spine to take honest self-inventory then things would be better for everyone. It takes guts but unfortunately too many people just look for the easy way out.

Thanks Veronica - I appreciate your feedback. I don't think I want much to do with it all. I certainly don't need any more stress/toxicity. I don't think the stomach procedure will end her problems either - physical or emotional. She has endless doctors appointments and procedures, and then blames the doctors if her problems are not fixed, when what she needs is a life style change. Most if her problems are related to her weight and poor eating habits - lots of sugars and fats, and few veggies and fruits. When she said she was depressed, I asked what her counselor said and she told me she was not seeing her counselor any more. Yes, I can find another nail tech and will do that.

She cannot have children, thankfully, as she could not look after them. We suspect that is reason to hate my daughter. She wanted to have a relationship with my grandkids, but not with their parents. Of course, my daughter and her hub said no. Anyone who wants to do things with the kids has to have a relationship with the parents.

Anything I say to my son will go right back to her, but it may be the best thing to talk to him anyway. I like what you wrote. Someone else suggested just keeping a relationship with him. but I don't think he will do that - she would kick up a huge fuss and he is a peacemaker. He says he has to support her. One day I will tell him that she has to support him too. It works both ways.G thinks my son will leave her at some point, but I doubt it. He was a late bloomer and really never had anyone else. Between the two of them they seem to work things out and be somewhat happy - he is very patient. I can't believe that he is happy to have family contact so limited, but he has to make his decisions and will choose for her, at this point anyway. She has so much anger, I have wondered once we are out of the way as a target, if she will start on him.
Thanks again - (((((hugs))))) back.

Oh Emjo what a mess. Do you really want any part of it? She clearly is not getting the treatment she needs for her mental issues and until she does I don't think you need any part of it. She is so toxic it really would not be good for you with all the other stressors in your life. Definitely do not loan (give) her any money. that is your son's department. I don't think stomach stapling will end her problems she will find another addiction.
Can you find another nail tech?
There are no children there which may be another reason she hates your daughter. Thank goodness she has not been able to have them. that would be another weapon she would have to hold over your head. i don't think i would ask your son to do anything for you if possible. I would talk with him privately if possible without her knowledge and tell him frankly that his wife makes things so unpleasant for you tthat although you wish it were different and you honor the fact that she is his wife you feel it is not good for either you or her to have contact. You love him and hope he will keep in touch and would do any thing to help him but him alone.
You are a kind and compassionate person but don't need to be abused, her problems are beyond your ability to solve as your mothers have been. the professionals need to be in there. has your son considered divorce? He can't he happy. Gary definitely need to be involved it is his future family too. I am sorry she had an abusive childhood but so did you and an abused adulthood and abused seniorhood too before you found a way to break free. Love and Hugs Joan.

Glad - what a good idea. I am already pretty well no contact with my sis. It will take a miracle to sort out this mess with dil and middle son. I get the feeling that she is saying to me "either you do it my way, or you will not see your son". I don't threaten well. I gather you are not sure whether the house will survive or not. Do let us know when there is anything from the courts and the dingbat conservator.

butterfly - you got it! They are trying to manipulate you. Good for you for not falling for it. Oh, the games people play. They will pay for groceries when they get hungry enough.

Oh the one hand, I feel sorry, even have some compassion for for my dil that she had the abuse, has all these unresolved problems and feels the need to control her environment so strictly. On the other hand, I went very low contact with my daughter for the past few years for much the same behavior towards me. Meanwhile daughter has sorted herself out and is good company for now. Not looking ahead too much.

Has a great walk yesterday and took some decent pics with my old camera. It does relax me. The memory cards for the new one haven't arrived. Maybe today I will tackle getting to know the new camera.

fam dram - aaaargh

My dil here has a hate on for my daughter from about 6 years back and will not resolve it. Her hubby, my middle son, supports her, not that he hates his sister, but mainly to keep peace at home, I think. He may have some hidden anger too, as he does not deal well with anger. but stuffs it. Dil has told me that she doesn't want me to talk about my daughter in her presence. I don't know if that extends to me not talking to my son too. But it has now extended to not talking about my mother either, and, I think my grandchildren as they are my daughter's children. I did not realise how strict these rules were. It seems to mean that I cannot even mention their names in passing. She had a hate on to me as well and we had essentially no contact for about 3 years. I bent over backwards to heal this rift, and we started seeing one another again and they encouraged me to come to them for emotional support over mother etc. That has changed to the present point where I am not to mention mother, and the few things I have asked my son to help me with are being reduced. On the other hand, dil wants me to give her attention, listen to her problems, lend her money, support her efforts and praise her for the good she is doing in the church, sympathize with her ailments, many of them essentially self imposed as she is very over weight, and so on. She has called me individually to contribute money to the current effort she is doing with the youth group at church. She is a nail tech and I have been going to her largely to support her business and to connect. She does not do the greatest job.

I saw her look very angry when I very briefly mentioned some family stuff a week ago and my son called me yesterday for them to come over and talk. I was not feeling well - sinus infection - so said no and I would be in touch. The last time they came over (6 years ago) she dumped on me big time for 3 hours and they would not leave. At that time, I apologized for what felt I could. It was not acceptable to her, so she said no contact and that is how it was for 3 years. I will not go through being dumped on again. I did not realise that she would not even tolerate me making any reference to family except, I guess, for my son who lives out of town. They get along with him.

I have been thinking about how to handle this to not cause any further problems, but also realise that some of that is beyond my control. Dil is wanting stomach bypass to lose weight, but has been told she has to give up any addictions and hers is latte's - basically sugar I would say. She is in the process of suffering withdrawal symptoms, including depression. She is bipolar and on a handful of meds. She can set whatever rules she wants for her house and people in her company - no contest there. But that does not mean that she will still get the support she seems to want from me, and that I will also comply with her rules. I am very uncomfortable with her rules and my solution is to decrease contact drastically. I have also thought about the meeting with them and will not agree to meet with them and just me alone as happened last time. I will meet with them and their pastor (it would be interesting to see what he thought about it) or a counselor as the problems are pretty deep seated. I would also like Gary to be present. He is very diplomatic. He is away again next week at meetings and I need a chance to talk to him about it all.

Any ideas? Dil was abused when young and has a lot of unresolved anger and other problems. She has her good qualities too. Like all of us she is a mixture. I just don't need the drama.

I feel the same way. When this job is done I will be done with all of them. Uncle & aunt are not fit to handle finances but their kids will not step in to do what is necessary which makes things even harder for me. At the moment, they need groceries but uncle refuses to give me money to get them. Says he needs to give it to their church. I know better than to try & reason with them but tried anyway. Ha! So I am just going to let them do without.