The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Somebody needs to open up a Golden Girls type home for all of us caregivers that are sick of family drama to move to when our shifts are done. I know i want nothing to do with my twisted sisters or auntie dearest when this job is finished! I have a 6 bedroom burned out Victorian that will look like a new house (if it isnt completely demoed) within a year!

veronica - didn't mean to open your can of worms. One way or another many of us grew up with ideas about our role in relationships and that if we "played fair" our mates would to. Found out the hard way it is not true.

margeaux - better to keep it that way - little relationship. I am dealing with that right now - more later. Can you "hope she is doing well".

judda - things have been looking up for you since your mum moved. I am glad - enjoy! Long may it last.

cmag - good that your dad remembered you. Hope the rest of the visit went well.

Sharyn -good decision opening your own account. I agree about the respect and sharing and honesty. I married someone with characteristics of my mother and also my father - and not the good qualities. You don't come across as anti men at all. I need to call repair people sometimes too, regardless. I know G learned it on the farm. They did everything - mechanical, electrical, carpentry, doctored the animals and so on. You didn't waste money calling in people to help.

solegiver - welcome - you wrote that you all are surviving on your dad's social security - how will you survive when he passes? I think the tough love advice re your daughter is good. Glad you got the haldol sorted out.

butterfly - welcome - your aunt sounds narcissistic, and it does seem to get worse with age and dementia. Can't tip toe around them and keep trying to please them - never happens. My mother is similar. An antipsychotic is helping her at this stage. Wish she had had it years ago - it took over 100 years...

Just when mother is settling down, my daughter is doing better again, now my dil is on the war path against me. I am so very tired of fam dram. and feel like moving away from all of them. The son who gets along with everyone has done this. He is 8 hrs drive away - I should take a page from his book and go in the other direction. I will start a new post for that.

I can relate...came from a dysfunctional family myself. Mother cold & non-maternal to me but opposite of my two younger half-siblings. Bio father was an alcoholic & rarely showed interest in me. Step-dad was OK. I am 57 & caretaker for aunt & uncle with Az/dementia. Aunt has always thought the world revolves around her. It is often difficult to have compassion for her as I see she is the same as when I was a child...only worse. Much worse.

solegiver it sounds as though you have everything under control and are coping very well considering all the crap that is being thrown at you. reading your first post sounded to me like panic which is why Mareraux said it sounded as though i was reading you the riot act. Far from my intention just needed to get the important message over about your rights with hospice. Your loved one runs the show and if they are not apable their primary caregiver. They can give all the advice they want and order anything they think fit but it is patient and family who actually makes the decisions good or bad. nothing is "good or healthy" for a dying patient it is just what ever gives them comfort. if dad is anxious and agitated there are plenty of other meds that can be tried to keep him calm and you will be glad to have them available.

Margeaux that was not my intention and she does not seem to have taken it the wrong way. We do not know any thing about her and from her original poist i felt it necessary to write firmly to her so the message was recieved and understood. To me it sounded like a crisis situation. From her reply she clearly was listening and is on track so next time I only need to tell she " she done good"

Veronica,

Your post to Solegiver was full of advice, but I must say, the tone
of it sounds like you are giving her the riot act.

Margeaux

Solegiver~Sometimes you must really look at a situation to see just where you are making things to easy for an adult child who isn't getting there life on track. I say this because when our son was still living at home...he had a girlfriend (son was 25 she was 26). She did not work...made no effort to improve herself, yet we allowed him to bring her into our home (she lived a 2 hour drive from us) for a week at a time for a visit. After 3 years, we put our foot down...he no longer was allowed to bring her to our home. The girl lived with her grandparents, her mother, a brother and an aunt...everyone but the grandparents was on disability for some type of depression, physical ailment, etc.We told our son many times...this is her history and all she knows...she will eventually try to get on permanent disability too. When we stopped allowing him to bring her into our home, our son decided to move out...his girlfriend refused to move in with him until she could get on permanent disability so they broke up. Find the trigger with your daughter..It may make a big difference.

Found today at work that "A" at the other store I worked at in this same city, is going on leave for rehab...no snide remarks about her or ill will...it just explains a lot about her personality..the ups and downs at work.I dealt with. I truly wish her the best outcome...she is still very young and I hope she can over come this...sending blessings to "A".

Thank you for your input, I appreciate it. I don't do anything FOR my daughter - she's responsible for her own necessities and other things. Out of a 3 year period she's only paid about $600. But she hasn't paid anything for months. I have told her to find another place to live, but now she's not working, and looking for work again, so that's her excuse now. She was prescribed this medicine to keep her from using, and stop craving, and it works, BUT in my opinion it's still being addicted.
I talked to my dad's nurse tonight, and she said the doctor was there today, and ordered the haldol just as needed now instead of 3x a day. After my insistence. But he's still unable to feed himself or talk. He was a fall risk, and would climb out of bed, and take the tray off of his geri-chair, but I think (know) that haldol is overkill medicine. So when he gets home, he will no longer get it!! I don't care if the nurse gets miffed at me or not.
I appreciate your comments, and agree with you, and will take your suggestions to heart. Thank you for letting me vent. :)

Solegiver,

Welcome to the thread. I sympathize with you.
When we took over the care of our mom's older sister......oh boy I could tell you some stories. She was on Haldol, and other meds....lots of them. Add to that she was a very difficult woman in terms of her temperment. So at the very end....when Hospice was in place at mom's home where she lived......she fell numerous times also because she just could no longer hold her body upright, she was in such a weakened state. Anyway, no matter the caregivers, family, etc., this almost is just a fact of the place where they are at physically speaking and unfortunately falling.

I'm really sorry that you have a daughter that is in this condition living with you.
Not only do you have to be concerned about your dad, but just by having her there, you invariably have to become involved in her problems. Maybe you have to start to employ some kind of tough love at some point. I realize it's hard for a parent to do this, but they'll just keep this lifestyle up if you don't put a stop to it at some point.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

solegiver, curious if the rest of your family would like to see Dad in a nursing home. As for your Dad falling, elders also could fall in a room filled with nurses.... it happens. Hope your Dad will be doing better.

After a 7 hour drive, we arrived at my dad's house today for a visit. He has declined to the point now where his caregiver must come with us when we took him out to eat dinner tonight. I also noticed that he is not as talkative, has trouble standing up and no longer walks as well like he was doing back in August. We will visit again tomorrow before driving back on Monday. Dad was so excited about us coming up today that he did not take his usual nap.

Stop giving your father the haldol. you can do that. Hospice is not going to send a nurse round every few hours to shove it down his throat. you are POA you have the power. hospice is not God they are there to help you. Sometimes Haldol helps but often it makes things worse. now whether it was the haldol or dad's decline who knows but it is more likely to cause falling than stop it.
having got that out of the way. If you feel you can no longer handle Dad refuse to take him home again. Yes you can do that, That may sound harsh but you are at the stage where you physically can't manage him and provide proper care.
Now take several deep breaths and stop enabling your daughter. Do not let her drive your car she will wreck that too she doesn't care. She can't care she is an addict. if you know she has illegal drugs call the police immediately. do you want your car and house searched and for you to get arrested because they will be seen to be in your pcsession?
Keep all medications under lock and key and keep that key in your pocession at all times as well as the car keys. keep very little money in the house daughter will steal it she is not a recovering addict she is still one. Make life as uncomfortable for her as possible. Do not buy anything for her. Too bad if she runs out of tampax. Don't wash her clothes or cook her food. Keep no snacks or junk food in the house. if you smoke hide those too likewise alcohol. Don't make her bed or change the sheets. Give her a bill once a month for rent and utilities. Her grandfather should not be supporting her. Give her written notice to leave. if you are renting the house ask the landlord to give her notice to leave as well.
I hope I have not upset you because you came here for help but if you expect people here to give you a hug and sympathise you are sadly mistaken. You are the only one who can take steps to change this situation.you are at a very low point and sadly your father's death won't actually change anything. so time for those big girl panties. Go and see public health, catholic charities and social services and see what can be done to help you. Do not cave to any threats from hospice there is nothing they can do to you. if they threaten to discharge dad from hospice tell them you will report them to Medicare or the State Health Board that will get them back in line. You are a strong woman you can do this. Save yourself first. Blessings

Just need to connect with all of you here. My dad is currently in the In Patient Unit at the hospice center for a few days for my respite. He had reached down to pick up our little dog (he was sitting in his geri-chair) and he fell forward, cutting his head. My daughter who lives with me and my dad was supposed to have been watching him while I went up to the store. I thought I could depend on her, but when I walked in, he was on the floor with his head bleeding, while she was standing outside screaming into her phone to her boyfriend. After ER trip, he got 3 stitches and sent home. My daughter is a 'recovering addict' and she takes medication for that, plus I'm sure whatever else she can find. She's of no help, and drains me of any sanity I have left - taking care of my dad with NO help from close by sisters. Since the hospice nurse insisted on putting him on Haldol, (because of him falling), he's lost his ability to stand with assistance of a walker to be able to use toilet, get into bed, etc. I've hurt my back and neck badly from lifting him. So now he's in a respite for me. I argued I didn't want him on the haldol anymore because he's lost his ability to speak, to see clearly, or even use his hands to feed himself. They don't want to listen to me. I'm his POA and health care surrogate. I can't even relax while he's gone because I'm so worried about him even surviving this medication. My back, shoulder hip and neck still hurt bad. No one in my family will help....they can't handle reality. I guess of course they'll want to know when he dies. It just really sucks that I can't get any help (except a volunteer from hospice who sits to visit with dad once a week for 2 hours) And my dad can't stand him. HA!! My daughter 34yrs old just lost another job, even when working would fight with me if I asked her to help pay a bill, or do some housework. So she pays nothing, helps with barely anything - only very little because she wants to use my car. (after wrecking hers). So we are all surviving on my dad's social security check after I was laid off in 09, and had to care for dad full time with cancer and dementia. I guess my only relief will be when he dies, and that's terrible to say. Any one else have to do everything themselves with no help!? I can't get rid of my daughter either. She won't leave! agh!

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Yes I am baaaack!!! LOL!! I most often will broil some bread in the oven with cheese to make a sandwich with some meat and veggies....My broiler caught fire....hubs but a box of cheesy bread in it.... I just love my life!!!

Margeaux~Yes...your sis is over the top. Reminds me of my sis hinting to our brother to make her something with his woodworking skills...my protests about his lung issues...her response....it will be good for him to do something useful that he enjoys.

Yes, everyone I am posting and it is after 11pm in California...however, I just got home from work an hour ago...hubs is sleeping and I am unwinding, LOL!!! This is our schedule. Money does have a power over our lives and how we work in order to earn it.

My sis has been wanting to come by my house to pick up the leave to the dinette set that was our mother's. I can't find the leaves here anywhere???? Some Panic that maybe I didn't bring them here from mom's house when we cleared everything out.Then I remembered....sis was taking antidepressants for a year that were not working for her, her memory went south to the point that I considered early onset dementia. I asked her if she may possibly already have them because I can't find them anywhere. She is looking...I hope she has them because I have no idea what could have happened ti them.

Joan~I certainly hear you about not speaking up, I was like that too the first 13 years of our marriage. I was dutiful, worked a 40 hour week, took care of the kids, the house, the yard, all hubs had to do was go to work...that is how his family worked. In the meantime, while I was contributing my paycheck to the pool, I was limited on what I could buy and when. When hubs got his current position, he was making twice what he was before. He would go out and buy things without discussing it...a new tv, a vcr/dvd, cell phones. When I told him I was not happy at all that he did not discuss this with me...his response...when you make as much as I do, then you can make decisions without consulting me. That was when I stopped giving him my paycheck and opened my own accounts. He says he "does not remember saying this to me". I have found that if I save up the money to replace something giving him no input into my purchase...like a new dishwasher...he is more willing to help replace something else. I see this more as a lack of respect for me and what I will actually do without him. I have been strapped the last 7 years with my car payment, but now that that is paid, I can start saving again to get things fixed. The thing is that when I save to buy something...I give him no input...it is my money and since that is how he thinks...it tends to spur him into action if he wants input.

He was off today, is not feeling so well due to a cold...but tomorrow, I am telling him I expect him to pull the dishwasher out from underneath the cabinet to check where the water is coming in to see if there is a screen that is clogged with mineral deposits. I have done everything possible to fix the dishwasher due to the soap not dissolving because not enough water is getting in the dishwasher. The jets are all open, I spent good money on this dishwasher and I know it has to be a simple fix..it is not that old. He doesn't have to do it tomorrow, he can do it Sunday. If he doesn't want to do it, or doesn't know what to do, then on Monday when I am off, I will call a repairman. It does not diminish him in my eyes if he can't do these things, he knows that...what diminishes him is not speaking up and being honest. I don't think that my hubs feels he should be able to do these things...it is more about me being so completely self sufficient (according to how he was taught), so that I don't have to ask him to do these subservient chores. His families motto is...if you can't take care of something 100% by yourself, (including all mechanical things), then you don't need to have it. It is more that I am demeaning him by asking him to do any of these things.

Veronica~You shared some very personal things about your life. We all have these issues from how we were raised. My mother was taught that a man would completely take care of her...a fantasy...not to sound like I am bashing men, I am not...never expected to be completely taken care of...it is something my mother never got over, refused to change her thinking on...similar to how my hubs won't change his thinking on certain things. You know it is funny..sort of...they used to say we ( as women) marry someone like our fathers...I saw a therapist who said that is not true...male and female offsprings marry someone like their mother...depending on their personalities. I think I married someone more like my mother.

Men are great and all different, so I hope I have not given anyone the impression that I am anti man...not so...I am just married to one that was taught....do not change anything from what I have taught you...our way is the only right way. I have heard my mil say this many times.

You would think my hubs family is the Kennedy's or Rockerfeller's...they aren't...I have come to the conclusion that my mil just called repairmen and the like to get things taken care of regardless of how fil would react. I will be doing to the same thing too. I too am a slow learner...I have been too dutiful.

emjo,

Those are good quotes from that article. To me both respect and consideration of each family member's personal boundaries is crucial.

My family and I leave in the morning to travel to my dad's home. He's 89 and still living at home with 24 hour care. He is starting to loose his long term memory. I hope he does remember us. I've been up there twice this year already and my wife went with me one time. However, it has been a year or two since both of the boys have seen him.

Answering the overall question of "How are you doing?": today went well: took Mom shopping all day until we both were worn out. I must say since she moved 10 miles from me to live in an independent senior housing we are both so relieved and happier! I am thinking there may be hope for our relationship to go from totally toxic to friendly and tolerable. Today she told me how she doesn't hear much from her close friend and she doesn't understand what happened. I really felt so sorry for her! She makes friends easily but soon they fade away and pull back once they feel her sticky maneuvers. She talks non-stop and mostly meaningless things. If you try to talk she interrupts and seems to imply you only exist for her pleasure and demands. "I don't understand why so and so doesn't say much and I seem to have one sided conversations."
Honestly, my heart broke for her because she doesn't and can't see what she does to people. But on a good note, new people in her new complex said to me, "your mother is so charming." They wouldn't think so if they could see her get mad if you set a boundary or if she thinks you are brushing her off and not giving her 100% attention no matter what, where, when. All is calm for now!

I hope it helps others to see that actually you can breathe and survive if there are ways others can step in and visit the elders. There are community volunteers and all kinds of resources if you search hard enough for what is needed.

Just when I was ready to give up on how to help Mom I discovered a new elder community rising out of the dust and that was the place she wanted to be in!

Emjo,

No, that's the other SIL, who believe it or not that brother....Golden Boy,
is still separated from now going on 2.5 yrs., and they've just left it at that, no
legal separation, or communication. This SIL, is my youngest brother's wife.
She's been very difficult, always at odds w/my sister, wonder why? These two
are both too much. Yes, I couldn't agree more with you, that it's none of my sister's business.

I went looking for a get well card for my SIL, and you know how most cards have
all that corny stuff written in them. None of it applies as to how I feel about her, so I found a blank card. Now I'm stumped as to what to write her, HAAH!
Honestly.....I have little to no relationship to this woman.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo my problem was that I grew up in a subservient environment. My parents were servants in the true sense of the Downton Abbey environment. My dad was the head groom following in his father's footsteps. Our housing was a cottage on the estate that went with the job. What was called a tied cottage. if you stopped working your housing was gone end of story. it was Sir and Madam when you saw the employers and the men touched their forelocks and raised their caps. Mother stayed home and took care of the family. Our employer actually took very good care of her employees and the retirees were often given their cottages for life. but being subservient was a big part of the culture. No one had a problem with it and although we were poor in that we never had a car ,our electricity was free and we got a load of wood each winter and as much manure as we liked for the garden. it was by no means a bad life for us. Following that I became a student nurse in 1956 where the discipline continued to be very strict. Hair was short off the collar or braided. bedrooms were inspected daily. No boyfriends out side the lounge and certainly not in rooms or welcomed to share a meal. All phone calls were over heard. Any medical visits were chaperoned by the home sister who stood in the corner knitting while you explained your problem to the medical officer. Early life in patient care included a great deal of plain cleaning like dusting. So out of that upbringing I got married and continued to be obedient and be an obedient wife. who kept the house spotless and put out hubby's clean clothes every day. packed his suitcase before every business trip. That was the way I thought things should be done, i always came second and expected my husband to be faithful and always take care of me and hold up his share of the marriage vows. Don't know why I expected that because my father did not keep his. Boy what a shock when those vows went out the window. All the same I felt trapped in my situation and not able to support myself in a foreign country. I became able to work in my own profession and that totally changed my attitude. I had the ability to walk and support myself at any time and the children had left the nest. I had the ability to choose for the first time in my life and I was almost 60 years old. Yes I am a slow learner. I choose to stay. Am I happier? I don't know because I never left but I do know that hubby would never cope alone and I am now confident that I am capable.
I have also discovered that I am in fact a smart and capable woman having all my life being encouraged to feel like a second class citizen. I can insist on things being my way when necessary and hubby finally ubnderstands why things happened the way they did and that he really needs me at his side. Am I happy? What is happiness? I am comfortable enough not to want to change my life style but have the security of knowing I can.
You certainly opened my can of worms today Emjo

I spoke too soon. The info mother's insurance lady just emailed me is that the policy was cancelled again and nothing is owing. The left hand does not know what the right hand is doing. Too late to call the main office in Toronto to check. I emailed her back for clarification. Lovely. Hope she has a nice weekend.

Margeaux - is that the sil that is separated or am I mixing her up with someone else? Your sister is too much! Not really her business.

Thx Veronica - You are right - the obedient mare does not work. I like how you handle the dripping tap, and agree that throwing the ball back is a good idea. I have a lifetime of experience of how not to do it and when I decided to open myself up to another relationship I followed some advice I read, which was to look at the one, two or three things that I contributed to the failure of my previous relationships, and commit to doing things differently. The one thing that stood out to me was that I did not speak up about my needs appropriately, so then feelings built up and I got angry or resentful. I was faithful, a good wife in the kitchen and the bedroom, a good mother, earned well to contribute and didn't overspend etc. And it took a while to see how me not speaking up about my needs contributed to relationship breakdown. I mention it here because it is a direct result of growing up in a dysfunctional family. I learned that my needs didn't count and speaking up about them was not "allowed". I carried this into my close adult relationships and it did not work. I also teamed with people who had some of the dysfunctions my parents had. Having figured that out after quite a few years of being on my own, I determined, when I started dating again, that I would speak up, and I have. I am still learning about better ways to deal with things, but one way or another, they will be dealt with if they are important to me. It is paying off. I hear you about the SHUT UP part too - there comes a time...

miamaggie - I agree with cmag. All families have some dysfunctions, like no person is in perfect health - mental or physical. All people and all families have some areas that are not perfect. That does not mean that all of us are mentally or physically ill, or that mental or physical illness is the norm, nor that all families can be categorized dysfunctional. BTW - the automatic faucet sounds like a great idea.

sallie - your family takes the cake. I know some families that work well together too. Must be nice - sigh!

cmag - well said. Nice to see you back posting. That is a good article.
quotes
" Respect is the Holy Grail of functional families." and "Being considerate of each other is the tie that binds, even more than love. I think too much emphasis is put on love in general. I’ve heard of many atrocities done within families in the name of love but never in the name of respect."

Boy, can I identify with that. Mother said more than once after some disaster, "As long as we love one another..." Even as a child I knew it was wrong.

toxicfm - glad to see that you are relaxing and starting to heal.

Sharyn - whatever works for you. I do think a lot of our behaviours are learned - and they can be unlearned. I know it from personal experience.

an aaargh for today. Insurance companies!!!

Still trying to get some sense out of my insurance co re the effect of this claim on my premium and policy, and also from the city's insurance people regarding their responsibility - it was their problem not mine.

Then an error in mothers insurance policy and a snippy young woman on the other end of the phone who basically said I shouldn't call her back again. Woah! All this because I asked her to find in the files that I had paid the outstanding amount, because she billed me for it again in the renewed policy, and because I also asked for a receipt for that amount. I thought that was within normal business.

Oh well. All done now, hopefully.

Had a voice mail from the hospital about consenting to mother's flu shot. I wish they would make their minds up whether she is responsible for medical decisions or not. They would not give her the risperidone without her consent, regardless of my opinion, and I understand that her consent is preferable. But, I told them I thought she really needed it. At this last meeting, I mentioned it again, and got smiles and nonverbal agreement to this with people nodding their heads, as they now see what a difference it has made to her. She has decent quality of life on the drug. I saw that when she was on it before for a short while. I sincerely hope, if she decides she doesn't want it at some point, that they will continue to give it to her anyway. Without it, she lives a tortured existence. Hopefully that is in the past, but with the progression of vascular dementia, I know other problems will surface, and that drugs may not solve them all. I guess I better appreciate the current lull.

Have a good weekend everyone and do something good for you. I have decided that weekends are to be free from "mother" business, and other business unless I really want to or have do deal with it. Fall weather is holding today, 72 degrees, so a nice walk is in order. It will cool off next week

Joan~Thank you for your input. I do appreciate it. I know how I am going to proceed and it is the way that causes me the least stress. Some things are learn behaviors and I do believe that is what I am dealing with here.

Hi Everyone, Thank you all for the good wishes and all. I have been taking it easy. I did go to my dr appt the other day. Good results there. Sunday and Monday, my husband with the help of our son, moved kitchen cabinets from a old house that is going to be tore down (handmade) to our house. Kept me very busy. I relized today, off from work and nothing to do. So I sit around and just rested. Oh yea, since I blocked their numbers from my cell phone. Dad has not called me 24 hrs a day for stupid stuff. I have not heard from him at all. It has been so peaceful. I am not crying anymore and a family member (only cousin I talk to) has called and also we have talked online. The healing is slowly and I am trying to not think about it at all. Well bed time for me. Nite

There is a good article on PsychCentral "What Makes a Family Functional vs Dysfunctional?"

Very well put, Cmag!

I think some people expect a functional family to be perfect, but it is not because people are not perfect. I think a functional and a dysfunctional family are on a continuum. It is a matter of degree and various psychological/social/religious norms set the boundaries of what is expected of a functional family. When those boundaries are broken, problems become major issues and the family gets diagnosed as dysfunctional.

I think the same thing is true of mental health. No one is completely mentally healthy, but until a person exhibits certain traits of a diagnosed mental illness, we consider them mentally well. Even mental illness is on a continuum for some mental illnesses are more severe than others and some stay on their meds while others don't.

I know many families who are Saints compared to mine namely my husband's family. Him, his sister and brother all help care for his mom and never have a problem. They've always gotten along great. I am envious of them.

I understand what you're saying about "dysfunction" and the clinical definition but then every family is dysfunctional because every family has one or more of those. And if every family is dysfunctional then that IS the norm.