The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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S sallie Oct 2014 · Answer 1 · 2014-10-09T08:08:44.000-0400

Miamaggi, the definition of dysfunctional is " Behaving or acting outside of the social norms " or " Not operating normally or properly ". In my family I have had a sister who stole thousands of dollars from my parents while my father was on his death bed. A brother who drank himself to death at the age of 55 (died two weeks ago) A sister who is bi-polar and a sister who is very self absorbed. If that isn't dysfunctional I don't know what is!

V Veronica91 Oct 2014 · Answer 2 · 2014-10-09T07:52:23.000-0400

Maggie sounds as though it would be worth your while installing one of the automatic faucets that is only on when you put your hands under it. You know the things you find in public rest rooms. has to be worth the investment with a water bill that high

M miamaggie Oct 2014 · Answer 3 · 2014-10-09T07:45:31.000-0400

There's no such think as a "functional" family. And we're not "dysfunctional" we are simply all human. Some family members are shy, some are overzealous. Some are lazy and some work much too hard. Some want to be the leader and others just want to be left alone. Every family I know is a jigsaw puzzle of personalities, styles and feelings. Sometimes the pieces fit together to form a great picture but most of the time we've got the right piece in the wrong place or some of the pieces have fallen on the floor. Its learning how to cope with the mis-placed pieces or trying to find the time to locate the lost ones that is so overwhelming at times. I had a very weary day yesterday with Mom's tantrums just because I asked her to try to remember to turn off the kitchen faucet. She leaves it running and my water bill this month is $430.00. She's one of the lost pieces that I know we won't find.

V Veronica91 Oct 2014 · Answer 4 · 2014-10-09T07:28:07.000-0400

Emjo I had to go back and re-read your words of wisdom several times as each one contained a nuget of gold. I spent far too many years following like the obedient mare. it did not work it merely made me an enabler
These days I am far from obedient and make my own decisions. If he has an anxiety attack that I realize I have caused I will preface my remark with"Now don't get mad but I---------" That seems to let the air out of the balloon before it bursts.
The trick is finding out what is provoking the crisis.
When the tap is dripping if I offer to call the plumber it works far better than asking him to fix it. If it means the money won't be there to have the nice dinner out planned for Friday huby is perfectly able to work that out for himself and if he is capable fix it himself. Rather than getting mad and issuing orders it works far better to pitch the decion back to the male and then SHUT UP. ater that if the heat is too much you may have to get our of the kitchen.

G gladimhere Oct 2014 · Answer 5 · 2014-10-09T04:23:08.000-0400

Sharyn, go to bed, get some sleep!

S sharynmarie Oct 2014 · Answer 6 · 2014-10-09T04:11:13.000-0400

Yiglad-LOL! my kindle kept capitalizing it but figured you know what I mean. I dont know if our ceilings are asbestos or not.

G gladimhere Oct 2014 · Answer 7 · 2014-10-09T00:17:15.000-0400

And Sharyn, the stress of Reno? Took me a sec, Reno would be nice if I could win. But the renovation is quite stressful as would be Reno if I was loosing! LOL!

G gladimhere Oct 2014 · Answer 8 · 2014-10-09T00:13:58.000-0400

Oh and popcorn ceilings? All my ceilings were popcorn boy do they ever get smoke damage, think about putting popcorn in a bag of fireplace ashes and you will get the idea. In my house two of the rooms were popcorn with asbestos, the remainder of the rooms were popcorn without asbestos. Go figure, these old houses. And they now found another phase of asbestos removal to do. Unbelievable! And nothing wrong with asbestos if it is not disturbed. Once it gets disturbed it gets everywhere very easily!

G golden23 Oct 2014 · Answer 9 · 2014-10-09T00:13:28.000-0400

The meeting went well and all are happy about mother's "progress". We are agreed that a mental health facility is needed, which limits choices, but she can use that kind of care and likely will need it more in the future.The psychiatrist is very pleased with her and we all agreed that her continuing to accept the injections is unexpected and great. Answers to prayer, I say. Her dementia is progressing, but, despite that, on the risperidone, she is much calmer and even a little happy. The only paranoia was that they were taking her good clothes and giving her cheap ones, but she just mentioned it once.

G and I found her coat and sweater in storage. She was waiting for us in the lobby. G said there was no spark of recognition in her eyes towards him which has not happened before. It is a sign of her decline. I went to her room with her and we went through her clothing. I came away with about as much as I brought - some for alterations. She did not recognise her own coat, but accepted that it was the one she has asked for. She fussed about sweaters, but has a few in her closet, so really doesn't need more.

She is not happy that she will not have a 2 bedroom unit again, but c'est la vie. She refused meds when she had one and that set things on this track and there is no going back. The staff will have to help her settle in once she moves. Not all places require a new mattress, so I did not buy one. I will wait and see. We chatted about family and she was her old "good" self then - or as good as it gets.

We will do a tour of her new facility before she moves - part of the process - which will help in deciding what she needs there. They also said that considering her age they think the facility would keep her in the same place when/if she needs nursing home type care. That is a relief. I sure hope so.

They want me to take over getting her supplements, so I will go to that store tomorrow in the way to the bus and set things up for when she moves.

Today I am tired - still not over this flare up - so took it easy. Weather is still nice which is a bonus. All in all it went as well as, or better than, expected. But I still find it somewhat draining. I guess it is the mixture of emotions it brings up. I know you all understand.
Have a good night.

G gladimhere Oct 2014 · Answer 10 · 2014-10-09T00:09:05.000-0400

Sharyn, I love Tim Taylor! In fact a man I had a crush on a long time ago dressed as Tim the Tool Man Taylor for Halloween one year. Thanks for the reminder of the fun memory!

M Margeaux Oct 2014 · Answer 11 · 2014-10-09T00:02:55.000-0400

My SIL was released from he hospital last week.
My brother (her husband) is rather quiet and really a private kind of guy.
So information about what exactly happened to the SIL is rather sketchy.
We do know she apparently went in for a Laparoscopic procedure for her gallbladder. She then ended up in ICU for a week and this was since she was running an infection, her BP shot up, and her heart was working hard.
Then we find out that she also had part of her intestine cut, it was infected.
She was sent home with, and were not sure if it's either some kind of nutritional feeding tube. Then my sister says that she thinks this is being done interveneously. IDK, again since my brother doesn't give exact information about it. Not that he has to.

So today my sister was saying that she's going to see my brother this weekend.
They have some business to deal with concerning mom's rentals. My sister told me, her exact words, "I'm going to grill him." She's too much. I didn't say anything to this.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

G golden23 Oct 2014 · Answer 12 · 2014-10-08T23:30:45.000-0400

hi all

Sharyn - I think lots of men have some of those characteristics. Certain things must not be violated, as they are so damaging to a relationship - but others can be tolerated or worked with. Gary can do carpentry, electrical, plumbing, tiling, you name it he can do it, but getting that to happen is another thing. You know the saying about not having to remind a guy 6 months later. With G it is about 3 years later. His sense of time and urgency is different than most. If it is a crisis he will respond immediately, and, like you, I got tired of making crises to get some things to happen. Mostly I approach it calmly and logically as I find he responds best that way. I make lists and we check off what has been done. I find it works better if I tell him that he must get the kitchen drawer fixed before he goes to the horses this weekend. One or two tasks and a deadline. Initially he did not want me to hire anyone because it was "his" job, but he is more willing now for some jobs. If I allow things to build up emotionally for me, then I throw too much at him and he withdraws. Yes, we have to manage our own feelings. I find writing things down helps and then giving him a copy and going over them with him. Men tend to get concrete examples of things better that talk about emotions I have told him that sometimes I feel like a saddle bag that he throws on a horse to be used on the ride when it suits him. That picture he understands. When we were first together he used to compare me to a mare - hard to handle unless they are pregnant. It was obvious he thought of himself as a gelding, friendly, quiet and easy going. I told him that he was no gelding, he was a stallion and expected his mare to follow him wherever he went with no questions asked. It hit home. lol Communication is necessary and finding ways to resolve conflict.. There are always problems, so one has to find ways to resolve them. He had improved enormously re communication and that took a lot of work on my part explaining that I needed it and also praising him when he did it. Men need admiration like they need air. It is the way they are made - respect and admiration and it needs to come from their mate.

linda - glad your mum's new room mate is working out

Alison - I would not nag your dad - tell him it is his choice and then wait for the consequences to kick in. He is informed about his condition.You can lead a horse to water... I know it is hard to watch it happen.

Oh gosh, I have a situation. G has been busy, so ex G is driving me to the bus and coming for bkfst tomorrow and just heard from G that he will come for breakfast as he has to go away on business after that so we will not see one another for about a while again. G says he will come early so we have a little time together alone. G is always late, ex G is early so they should arrive about the same time lol. They get along fine so that is not a problem and G has very few jealous bones in his body. Unfortunately he leaves plans to the last moment. I would have much rather spent the morning with him.

I will start another post about the meeting.

V Veronica91 Oct 2014 · Answer 13 · 2014-10-08T21:09:22.000-0400

Sharyn I don't think popcorn ceilings are usually asbestos. OK anyway as long as you don't disturb it.

S sharynmarie Oct 2014 · Answer 14 · 2014-10-08T17:00:28.000-0400

GLAD-LOL!! I would settle for Tim Taylor at least his boo boos got fixed! Yes. We have popcorn ceilings....is it asbestos?? Built in early 70s. My heart goes to you...a big messy project and costly too. The stress of a Reno is great!

G gladimhere Oct 2014 · Answer 15 · 2014-10-08T16:30:28.000-0400

Sharyn, great idea. I want a Bob Vila or even someone close! LOL! But I bet they still have trouble completing g their own projects, if they do them. And with the mess at my house I could sure use help! They have been two weeks on asbestos abatement now. And found more to do.

S sharynmarie Oct 2014 · Answer 16 · 2014-10-08T15:47:22.000-0400

Thank you Veronica!!! I really do appreciate all you and glad and everyone has said. I have not given up, but I am intelligent enough to know that I can't change him, I can only change myself and how I react to situations.

V Veronica91 Oct 2014 · Answer 17 · 2014-10-08T15:25:24.000-0400

Sharyn Just a Hug from me

S sharynmarie Oct 2014 · Answer 18 · 2014-10-08T14:08:28.000-0400

Glad~I am grateful to him when he does take care of something, I tell him much I appreciate it but he does not like to have to do it. I guess I expect him to be like my dad. My dad took great pride in his home, he took care of maintenance and if he couldn't do it, he called in someone who could. I don't expect him to be Bob Villa, but I do get tired of the drama when I want something fixed. He sounds like Ricky Riccardo from I Love Lucy..."We can't afford it", LOL!!

Thanks everyone for all the feedback....I'll take care of it like I always do.

L Linda22 Oct 2014 · Answer 19 · 2014-10-08T13:49:13.000-0400

i'm relieved today - Mom switched to another room with a new roommate. So far, she's liking the room and the roommate. Pics of the greatgrandkids usually upsets her but this time, she was happy to see them. And my GERD flare is finally under control (sigh, no coffee in a week) so I'm savoring this moment of no drama.

J jujubean Oct 2014 · Answer 20 · 2014-10-08T13:18:36.000-0400

on more thing....our kitchen cabinets I wanted them refinished for years, he just would not do it...this was before the DIY was popular... the way I got it done was to go in garage find his sander and start whacking away at it, then he stepped in and took over!!! had I not done that it would have never happened anyway just FYI!

J jujubean Oct 2014 · Answer 21 · 2014-10-08T12:57:26.000-0400

HI everyone!!!
Just plugging along here....got thru that rough week last week, this 10yr thing really has me wanting to finally get some real help ridding me of all suppressed stuff from the past life! I not sure how to share here cause it is all in the past. looking forward to a Dr. appt end of month for counseling/med evaluation!

Sharyn, I know how you feel, one sided relationships are no fun!!! I can remember one thing in particular that started me thinking I am in the wrong place. For me was a vacation I wanted to do sooo bad. Just get in the car and drive down highway 1 and back from Fremont, CA where I lived then, just do whatever along the way for the week! He didn't say no but he never took much interest in it, but he never did with stuff like that. It was planned for months The day came I was so excited got everything ready and packed up...set alarm for 5am to leave next morning early...
he would not get out of bed...".its a vacation and I am not getting out of bed early and matter of fact I am not going anywhere this week"! OMG..of course an argument ensued and I stayed home as well, in that moment!! Anyway he can be up at 3am for hunting or fishing trips with the buddies regularly! I started looking at things differently and noticed this riddled thru everything....just a lack of being on same page, financially, family to entertainment.
It does take a mutual interest somewhat or the agree to disagree...I do have friends that lead separate lives in a sense like that, they just do there own thing, vaca's projects, etc...and "appear" happy. I think it takes a special mutual skillset to deal with that You would think one marry's to have a companion for all those adventures in life.
Another good point tho is sometimes by " just doing it yourself" they see what you can and will do, and are drawn in to wanting to be a part of it!!!
It is a long complicated and individual situation and you will work thru it the way you see fit!!!! but I get the "if I am going to be unhappy, I would rather be alone feeling" I was only 12ys invested and much younger than now! Just remember the grass is not always greener, every situation has is bad sides!!! XOXOX to you!
Everyone hang in there with your struggles, you are in my prayers!
Peace, juju

A AliBoBali Oct 2014 · Answer 22 · 2014-10-08T12:24:40.000-0400

Haha! That post ^^^ condenses down into - "my dad is going to let the home nurse put the right catheter back in."

That's a relief to me. He's really been fighting me on this issue.

A AliBoBali Oct 2014 · Answer 23 · 2014-10-08T12:23:15.000-0400

I feel like I'm in a difficult position right now with regards to my dad's catheter. All medical pros say he needs one. He tells me he is urinating fine without it. I can hear when he is using the restroom and I realize he IS managing to release a small amount of urine but his trips to bathroom are frequent and urgent, just like they were when I first came here in 2011, before catheter was put in around April 2013.

I think what's happening is that he manages to get out a little bit of overflow in his bladder, but not void the bladder entirely, which is a problem. But until my dad is in pain, he is resistant to the many times I've brought up the idea that he needs a catheter. The home nurse told me to just go on up to VA - an hour each way - and try to get the correct catheter. Well... I just don't see how I can walk in the facility and get the correct part. The doctors didn't even put him in the system for the correct part... who am I getting this correct catheter from if what he is prescribed isn't the right thing? Then, will my dad even allow the home nurse to put the catheter back in? She says she will be able to do it, she will be able to convince him to put it back in, but... she doesn't know my dad like I do.

I'm committed to sticking around the house to make sure that if my father gets uncomfortable, that I can take him into ER for a catheter. And we have a Urology follow up appointment in less than a week. If he can hold out that long, I'd rather his Urology docs take a look at the entire issue and decide what to do. I'm positive they will go with a catheter again, but this time they can make sure I get the right stinking kind so this doesn't happen again. They can help get across to him that he does need the catheter even though he manages to urinate small amounts. It's not just about yanking another catheter in... my dad needs to know that he needs one or will get sick. Otherwise he will be upset and maybe feel I conspired with home nurse to force a non-needed catheter on him. Our relationship has deteriorated significantly since this past weekend when the catheter change was supposed to happen because now everyday, several times a day, I'm nagging him and asking him if he's ready to go to the hospital for a new catheter. I'm irritable about the whole situation and he's irritable about it.

One way or another it will get resolved. Just venting. Nobody gave me the rule book for how to deal with these situations.

Before I could hit "Post Comment" the home nurse called and she said she was able to order the correct catheter from the pharmacy and I am to keep an eye out for it to be delivered today! Relief on that end... and I got my dad to call her back as she requested, they are on the phone now and I can hear him "explaining" to her that he is urinating naturally now. And I just heard him agree to allowing her to put the catheter back in - she's good, that nurse. So thankful for these patient and persuasive medical people. :-)

Happy Wednesday and hugs to all.

M Margeaux Oct 2014 · Answer 24 · 2014-10-08T11:57:05.000-0400

Alison,

How are you doing? This is really a difficult situation you are having with your father.
It does sound as if possibly your dad's reasoning could be coming into question, given the fact that you say.....this has happened several times in the past year.
O.K., I hope you are successful at getting through to his doctors concerning this.
Let us know how you and your dad are. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

G gladimhere Oct 2014 · Answer 25 · 2014-10-08T07:59:36.000-0400

Sharyn, I know exactly how you feel, I felt exactly the same way. I did not want to coddle my ex nor did I want to be gracious when he did something that needed to be done. Instead I started doing things myself instead of asking him to do them. Things like cutting the lawn, installing a new dishwasher, other plumbing fixes, etc. Even shorted out electric on the house once trying to fix something on the stove. I forgot to unplug the stove first. LOL! And all in an effort to save money. That way got me nowhere. Maybe I should have tried the Linda Lovelace way. Nope, never, would have done that, degrading, and should be completely unnecessary! The two of you will figure it out. Thirty seven years is a long time and has become an investment. Counseling may help and the sooner the better. My anger had festered for years and the first time we went to see a counselor we were told that I had become so angry that this most likely would not work out. Never saw the counselor again and proceeded with the divorce. I was so hurt and embarrassed by his internet activity I never brought it up. Probably should have. Now, with hindsight 20/20 I really wish I had handled all of that so much differently. I now miss the companionship and friendship I could have had. Though, we always want what we do not have.

B bookluvr Oct 2014 · Answer 26 · 2014-10-08T05:47:38.000-0400

Sharyn, my brother hates mowing the lawn. But when he got for himself a bushcutter (dangerous thing!), he now cuts the grass more (only when the weeds gets so high - past the hips). Do you think your husband would be more willing to do the garden if he had a bushcutter? Otherwise, is he willing to pay for someone to do it for him - from his own paycheck?

ABB, my father was like that about his catheter. He hated it. He demanded the home nurse to take it out. The nurse tried to change his mind. But he got angrier. So, the nurse said okay, we will take it out. I was shocked and worried. Because That Was the reason why he was put on the catheter in the first place. He cannot pee without it. The nurse took it out. And left.

Late that night, he was in pain. I told him that we would have to wait until morning to call the nurse. By morning, he was in so much pain. He called the nurse. Gasped out on the phone, "pain. can't pee. pain. prostate (catheter). put back prostate." The nurse came immediately. When he inserted it in, OMGoodness! His pee came gushing out so fast, it almost filled up the bag. We emptied it quickly because it was still streaming out fast. Now, my dad never asks them to take it out. Recently, when the nurse mentioned taking it out, dad said that he needs it to pee.

S sharynmarie Oct 2014 · Answer 27 · 2014-10-08T03:04:24.000-0400

What I will say..I didntt get married to be a mommy to my spouse. I want to be loved and valued too.I have lives the past 37 years taking care of children and everything in our life alone. I want companionship...if I have to do it alone...then I want it to be completely alone so I answer only to me. It beats having to give Pisces of myself away to someone who gives nothing back.Kate has

S sharynmarie Oct 2014 · Answer 28 · 2014-10-08T02:07:49.000-0400

Glad- it is. Ot that I have not spoken up...he just chooses to not hear me take me serious or respect me. We have discussed this over and over....I have screamed yelled and threatened over and over....I am too old to want to continue to deal with this...for me this really is easy...he either wants to fix the house and we make the nesccesary repairs or he doesn't and just keeps giving me lip service that goes no where. He is not telepathic...what part of the English language does he not understand....I am not Linda Lovelace...nor will I ever strive to be.

G gladimhere Oct 2014 · Answer 29 · 2014-10-07T23:51:13.000-0400

Sharyn, they are not telepathic and need to be led by the hand, and asked every time, yes kindly. I think part of this is caused by their need to be needed and appreciated. If we dont ask they are not needed. If we dont appreciate they are not useful. We are very different women are not as needful and just tend to do what needs to be done. Just another day in the salt mines.

S sharynmarie Oct 2014 · Answer 30 · 2014-10-07T22:06:53.000-0400

Veronica~I knowhe is not psychotic....he his brain dead about how to have a relationship with a woman and a womans needs.,LOL!! I am laughing, but I am also at the end of my rope because we have had these discussions in the past when I had counseling back in "our 30's".. He selectively says he does not remember...how convenient for him!! It comes across to me that I have no alternative but to be a nagging b!tch. The condition of our home is unacceptable to me...I have ben more than patient and to be honest...I am too darn old to continue to be so. I have waited more than 30 years to make this house a home that reflects both of us, our family ...only to face opposition. It is either he does not know how or want to lean home repair or we can't afford it. Enough is enough for me!!! When I do spend the money on a repair...he will not respect it and destroy it by not taking care...There is dry rot in the bathrooms, dry rot around the door from the garage that leads to the back yard....back in the 90's I used a bonus I got from my job and completely relandscaped the backyard...(I have an AA in plant science and plants are my thing)..he destroyed it, refused to take care of what little grass I left ...because he hates mowing the lawn..I thougth less lawn..more garden for me...did not work out!! Really...how does a [woman get through to a man like this who is otherwise a good man!!!

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