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Mom was her usual sarcastic, manipulative self yesterday, but today a different person that I could have a nice conversation with on the phone. Still, I am quite peripheral and careful not to get attached to her: she will use that for bait.
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Hello caregiver friends, it's been a long time since my last note on this thread or on this site. I've had to back way off as some days I can hardly catch my breath and I haven't moved an inch if you catch my drift. My dad celebrated his 90th birthday 9/17 mom her 88th 9/30 as well as their anniversary was on 9/29 they've been married now 69 years best I can figure. There was a third attorney now who I try to avoid as she is rather a bully too! The Supreme Court contacted me about the first attorney to get my verbal several times we spoke. Now the Supreme Court investigative attorney has turned her records over to the Supreme Court Attorney. I found another document where the attorney that revoked me turned around made my elderly father with dementia my mothers POA. yep I have the document in writing so does the Supreme Court. I exhausted still unable to work, I've been ill myself, in therapy managing best I can but I'm still here. My father still precise in threatening and bullying me, my mother didn't want to speak with me several week back so after the last threat I said I am no longer available to be treated in this manner, so I won't except their calls. I rather feel sorry for them both, sick and selfish as they are. The neighbor ladies called to ask me if I knew about the estate sale the attorney gave several weeks back. I calmly said "why know I didn't, was it busy"? Geezzz. Yes the third attorney had sale without letting me, I don't care anymore I'm too sick and tired to care, could be a good sign. After not speaking to my folk and starting to feel better the attorney contacts me via email, my father was inquiring as to where I'd been they hadn't heard from me he said they'd been trying to reach me. I don't know who he's been calling but its not me. The attorney said your parents had birthday days and never heard from you. I sent them cards excetra, will I suppose if I want to reach them I will have to send a certified card, it doesn't surprise me in the least they didn't receive the cards, my letter. I wrote attorney a nice note let her know I'm ill and due to this unavailable until my health improves, please contact only if emergency (((((( boundary )))))))...... I did nicely drop a few shame bombs in her direction. Anyway sorry I'm not much of the group any longer but I have very low energy, no motivation, I'm grieving. I'm seeking treatment for the grief, I just hope I can get better so I can get work at some point, but I have no interest in anything. Yes I'm aware of depression but meds never worked for me. Yay me! Blessing for you all! Did I come to the right place dysfunction junction is the name I give my family home!
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Sharyn he is not psychic you have to tell him what you want. You are making a very good start and it is very good he is open to talking about stuff. I think a guard dog would be an excellent idea. Hubby might like taking it for walks too (healthy exercise)
Do you know anyone else who might be interested in going along on your wilderness trips. Perhaps one of your new co-workers is lonely and would love to go along. She may not be a photographer but might enjoy an afternoon in the fresh air. If you can't get a scary big dog go for something small that can make fierce noises like a Jack Russell or a mini doberman they can be very scary.
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Posted too soon...

I told him today that our marriage involves many areas that effect me emotionally.
1) getting our home taken care of...replacing flooring and other things he has said he would do but has not moved forward on.

I don;t expect him to be a handy man...we can have someone do these things for us...he drags his feet...until I go off on him...I don't want it to be that way.

2) I love to go out in the wilderness to take pics...one of the last times I went out to one of my favorite childhood places in the Sierra's, I stopped at a picnic area....I had a point and shoot camera then ( about 7-8 years ago). I walked down to the river took some shots of butterflies gathering on the soil, some shots of aspens changing colors. As i walked back up to the parking lot, there was on older couple having a picnic lunch and...a man by himself who watched me a little to intently as I got back in my car. Well, this unnerved me, so I headed for home. I told my hubs about it when it happened but of course he does not remember. Today, I told him again, I am not comfortable going out to wilderness areas that I love to go to....not because I see myself as some young sexy thang....LOL!! common sense is...I am a woman alone and a target in these areas!!! So please be willing to come with me when I want to go out.. I think he got it, he said does not remember me telling him this..I know I did because another older woman who went into this area.and disappeared. Yes, I am concerned, I will drive to Idaho by myself...I stop only at areas that are heavily populated by people... wilderness area...I love to go to,,,but not by myself anymore. Maybe a guard dog would boost my confidence???
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Yes, I using this time to be selfish and unfortunately I cannot give much back...I am supporting all of you, but i am torn between many emotional issues that plague my marriage.

My hubs has been open to discussion...AND
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Emjo,

You are so right, about my mother's being able to cope. My sister, believe me I do understand when a grandparent is trying to help a son/.or daughter out in this manner. Her daughter and the son-in-law, and kids are at mom's because her daughter decide to have some repairs done to a house they rent from my sister.
At first the repairs they thought were only going to be fixing damage to a floor.
But when workers, started to look......they had serious foundation problems.
This daughter was already about 7.5 mos pregnant, when they discovered all of this, and started the job. Of course they can't be in the house, while these kinds of repairs are in process, and now daughter has the baby, only 3 wks. old. But, my sister, I can't believe could have advised the daughter and son-in-law, to wait til their babies are a bit older to do all of this. I don't understand what the rush was, at this point in time. I'm thinking it's hooked up to the fact the house belongs to my sister, who knows. This is why I wrote about it.

But it appears, that my sister never considers mother in all of this. She always like to tell me that the presence of the little kids, gives some entertainment to mother,
in other words, reason to make it o.k. I don't want to sound like I don't like kids, or something to that tune......but my sister is really inconsiderate. Also, I feel my sister oversteps here too.......just assuming because she's in mom's home, she can just make these kinds of arrangements, and she thinks it's a.o.k.. Quite audacious, if you ask me, and it's in perfect step w/my sister's attitude. Lot's of entitlement.

I know you don't mean, the not caring what your mom thinks in a bad way.
But you notice Emjo.....when someone around us is causing chaos, then we have to wonder, feel as if we are the ones in the wrong. Good for you that you're past her game. I've been employing this very attitude w/certain people around me,
who are always negative, or in a bad mood. It get dog gone old, doesn't it!!!!
I completely understand, and it's detaching. I mean how much can anyone
take. I did just that today. I took myself out, since I needed some things from the store. But the reality was, I needed to be by myself, and gather my thoughts.
So I parked my car in the store parking lot, and took a walk to get my stress out.
Boy did that help. I also ate some dark chocolate.

I hope your meeting goes well.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Yes, Joan...don't let the critical remarks sink in, when dealing with a critical spirit, there is no winning. Take care.

Getting lots of info regarding diabetes and related issues.

Spent the day cooking and ended up falling asleep on the couch this afternoon..didn't wake up til the hubs came home. Tomorrow is back to reality, go see my mom, catch up more here at home and make appt with my dr about my knee/hip issue for Wednesday.

On the job front, things are going really well. I love the people I work with, we all get along so well...it's like we have worked together for years. We have 4 new people starting this week which will reduce my/everyone's hours, but I should be ok since my CAR is paid off!!!! I just have to watch my spending in regards to pics/items for my grandsons, LOL!! They gained 3 lbs in their first month!!
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Alison - your father's view of no catheter does not make much sense. I hope the doctors see this. Has he ever had an geriatric evaluation? It must be very frustrating and that the wrong catheters were delivered

margeaux - I have wondered how your mum copes with that household full of people - not what the doctor would recommend I think

me - I am sorry that you are so overwhelmed and see no way out

toxicfm - good for you.

Sharyn - diabetes does many things to the body - ex G has a variety of problems due to it

Got here very late last night and have done some catch up sleeping today. Still tired. Meetings at hospital tomorrow, then buying a mattress and maybe a sweater or two. G will come to the meeting and sort out some logistics. I think I am getting past caring what mother thinks about anything. I don't mean it unkindly, and I will take anything sensible into account, but I cannot let her critical negative comments sink in. They are bad for my health.

Do something good for you!
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Hb is high blood pressure
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My father was supposed to get a catheter change today. Apparently the VA is sending the wrong type of coude catheter for him and the home nurse became very frustrated because the type of catheter they sent won't stay in. Finally home nurse could do no more and told me that I would have to take him in to VA emergency room. I agreed. She left. I told my dad I would be taking him. Then I accidentally fell asleep for a few hours waiting for him to get himself ready. When I got up I went to check on him and see if we could go to ER and he refused to go because he doesn't want a catheter anymore, basically. I sympathize but I also know that it will be less than 48 hours before he is in so much pain that he is asking me to take him in. So now it's just a waiting game. This is 3 or 4 times he has pulled a similar move in past year. I do sympathize with him not wanting the catheter but he is exacerbating the underlying reason for why he has to have one when he allows urine to sit in his bladder. When I do take him in I am going to raise the issue loudly to his doctors that my father is putting himself in harm's way and I don't know how to handle it. Perhaps they will document it. I feel like I am the band aid that covers up for my father's serious missteps with his health. If he isn't competent enough to not be a danger to himself then I want his doctors to acknowledge that and help me find a better solution than waiting around for him to decide he doesn't need a catheter or doesn't need blood pressure meds anymore, etc. :-(
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Good job, ToxicFM!!!! Take care of yourself!
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Thanks everyone for the bday wishes, everyone. May we all share good blessings!!!
Peace, Juju
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Things are returning to normal here...still the issue that plagued us since our 30's ...hubs HB that was not treated until 2004 when he was diagnosed with diabestes. It is too personal to post here....it is not something we can overcome...he must accept he needs to see a specialist...those of you who get this will get it and understand what is going on. If you have info to share...private message me.
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I'm wondering about how my mom is dealing with the fact that my sister has her daughter, the husband, two small kids, (1-2.5 & 1-1.5 yrs. old). Her daughter just gave birth to the newest baby, whose now 3 wks. old.

So the 1.5 yr. old has been running a fever, of course my sister has herself all wrapped up helping her daughter right now. When I spoke to my sister, I could tell she's doing it, but it's stressing her out. Then she has my mom to contend with.
I do wonder how mother can handle all of those people and activity in her home at 92 yrs. of age. Well just another instance of my sister becoming way over involved in her daughter's life.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Tox well done. it will take a long time to heal but wanting to is a good part of the battle.
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Slowly moving on. Last night hubby and I talked and we decided that is would be best for my mental health to talk about what has happen. I am finding things to do and places to go, to help me move on. I am still wanting to pick up some old hubbies and work on crafts, like I use to. I am trying to learn that, the most important family in my life, is my husband, daughter and son. That as long as I have them, I don't have to worry about anyone else. It felt good last night, to clean up daughter computer and making it running faster. (I program computers, on the side) I worked today until 4pm and then took a hr. nap waiting on hubby to come home. Dinner was easy, it was left overs. So it was nice and quiet today. I am working on healing and moving on with my own life.
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Emjo & Countrymouse,

Talking about all of this is just making my mouth water.
It all sounds really delicious. I looked up Kulfi, and it sounds really interesting.
I recently had some kind of whipped desert at Rosh Hashanah last week.
It had a bit of fresh berries on top.

But I want to experiment with some rhubarb. I've a recipe that's made in a pie crust on a baking sheet. On the bottom of a layer of pastry dough, one puts a bunch of chocolate chips. On top of that.......the rhubarb, and some berries mixture, then you close it off w/another pie crust on top of this, WOW! I haven't tried it yet, but plan to. I got this recipe off a TV eatery show. They were doing deserts that episode.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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and yes, your "mixture" should work with coconut milk. The kulfi flavourings as well. Must try some.
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cm - Too bad about your mum's tastes.

The orange is ground or blended raw. The idea came from two places. As a teen, I made an orange raisin cake where a raw orange was ground with the raisins and added to the batter. I used the old fashioned fasten-on-the-counter grinder as there were no blenders. It was so tasty and moist. Then Gary told me that his mum added fruit e.g a ground up orange rather than sugar when she made muffins. G likes lots of spices so I found a spicy choc cake recipe, and followed it - more or less - but added much more spice, pepper and cayenne and an orange thrown into the blender with a little water. Raisins work well too blended in with the orange You can reduce sugar and the fruit keeps the cake very moist, yet it is very much a chocolate cake. I don't frost it - hardly needs frosting. Must make another one soon!
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My Christmas ice cream is sweet chestnut purée with marsala, blended into the base ripple-style - that should work pretty well with coconut milk, shouldn't it? Hurry up Christmas!

Poor mother had her palate crushed along with her personality pretty early on, is my guess. Constantly being in trouble for making a fuss or being difficult when you're just saying you don't like ginger cake would do that to you. A combination of overbearing, competitive, critical sisters, teasing parents and an ayah who, being the only person who'll stand up for you, asks the cook to make you English dishes (and when Indian cooks make English dishes they taste of absolute zero, on purpose, seeing as how to them that seems to be the aim) must have made her associate comfort with blandness. She also hates oranges, mangoes, bananas and coconut. You know how they say that nothing is more evocative than scent? Well, whatever memories it's evoking she definitely wasn't having a nice time.

Puréeing the whole orange to add to the cake is genius - do you poach or microwave it first, or just pulp it au naturel?
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I make all my ice creams from coconut milk. It works really well. I usually add some fruit - berries, or lots of cocoa for chocolate , or maple syrup and walnuts. Yum! I have added a bit of alcohol once in a while. The only thing about home made ice cream and lowering the sugar content, which I do, is that it freezes very hard. You need sugar to keep the texture softer.

cm - I am surprised for a lady who travelled so much that your mothers tastes are so conservative. G dumps cinnamon on nearly everything - and says cayenne brings out the flavours. I make a great GFDF (gluten free dairy free) chocolate cake with loads of cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, a ground up orange (peel and all), some pepper and some cayenne. Getting hungry now.
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CM, yes, coconut milk makes delicious ice cream. You need to use the full fat coconut milk for best texture. I can't do dairy and use coconut milk in my chai.
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I shall not be simmering anything for four hours! (except possibly my temper if the electrician doesn't show again this evening…) Confession time: after years of feeling vaguely dissatisfied with my home curry results, I have just discovered the fabulous "Made In India - Cooked In Britain" by… yikes. I'll have to look her up. Meera Sodhul, I think but must check. Now this is a lady who understands how bone idle (comparatively speaking) Western domestic cooks are, and what the limitations of our supermarkets are, and tells you straight up how to do it. I have probably put on ten pounds.

Mind you, Madhur Jaffrey's naan recipe takes some beating. And if you've got a bread maker it couldn't be more of a doddle - you just chuck everything in, put it onto "Pizza dough" setting, and 45 minutes later you're rolling them out and slapping them under a hot grill for a few minutes.

Unfortunately, once mother's back in the house we're limited to nutmeg, saffron, the barest hint of cinnamon, and garlic and cardamom but only if they're heavily disguised. The second she gets a whiff of anything she suspects of being "hot", that's the end of her appetite. And she's not just being awkward: she really does hate it.

Hmmm… I wonder if you could base an ice cream on coconut milk? Research time.
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:)
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Tusen takk, Emjo.
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No - it is how they make kulfi.
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Is that how they make condensed milk? Four hours?! And my mom the home ex teacher never taught me that?!
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love cardamom but looks like the condensed milk is essential or - cm - are you going to be a purist and stir simmering milk for 4hrs?
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Mmmm, cardemon was all I needed to hear, and condensed milk. I used to make ice cream when my kids were small that used condensed milk in the recipe.
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Now I have to google kulfi, never heard of it!
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