Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
Veronic, Margeaux, and Juju- you are probably right to not keep bringing it up.
(0)
Report

Well done Sharyn and all for such insightful input! I would add, don't dredge and try to move on, but don't ignore your gut as well. In the beginning you noticed what is going on, with the activity/behavior changes! Be cultivating but aware!!!! Love you, and glad you are feeling better and back to work! XOXOX
Juju
(1)
Report

Sharynmarie,

Well done! I also think Veronica has given you a great suggestion about not dredging up more regarding this incident. This way, it will give him the opportunity to reflect and hopefully be truer to his feelings as they relate to you
as his wife, instead of this naughty little boy behaving badly. There's something to be said about that, which comes into play when people are talking about accountability, and that is.......one has not only to be accountable to others, but to oneself.
I was hoping you were at work yesterday, believe it or not only so that you could have some distance.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
(2)
Report

Veronica, you are so right.

[mutters: "I think 'brain' might be stretching it a bit, though…"]
(3)
Report

Veronica you are a wise women and you advice makes sense to me and am glad AC allowed this dialog caregivers need to vent about other things then pure caregiving-we are real people with real problems who are also caregivers-thumbs up to AC
(3)
Report

Sharyn you done good girl. If it is dead let it rest in peace Just remain watchful don't keep dreadging for more evidence. Remember actions speak louder than words. Don't forget the small signs of affections, like the hug or kiss in greeting. you have been extremely busy and stressed out with work and the twins. He was feeling low on your list of priorities so move him to the top as long as he deserves it. Men have a much harder time expressing their true feelings. If you feel he has been neglecful ask for his help, he isn't psychic his brain works differently from yours.
(6)
Report

Sharyn, I really am sorry that you're having to deal with this mess. I hope the situation resolves itself soon and that your husband soon recovers his wits and common sense.
(2)
Report

Sharyn you handled it all as mature grownup women-you are a member of my sisterhood of KAW -I admire you greatly-I think e ill come around ok and things will be ok for you -but you will know how to go forward ad will not be afraid of being without him if that is what has to happen-you are a great example-you remind me how Hilary handles dumb ass Bill years ago and they seem ok now-you handled it from strength not weakness.
(3)
Report

Sharyn, absolutely right on every count. Well done you! I can't help wondering if it might be better - and easier for him to keep to the rules and not get suckered again - if he stayed off Facebook altogether. Lots of people manage perfectly well without it.

There probably wasn't much explicit sex chat going on - if he says he was flirting, I'd buy that. Think of Roger Rabbit looking goofy and that's probably roughly the expression on his little face (eye roll). Later on, when you're feeling more comfortable and less livid (you don't sound livid, actually - but I would be if I were you!), he can flirt with you instead. Everyone likes to be made eyes at, don't they? - you just have to do it with the right person :)

It's a good thing you caught him now, you know. He was getting sucked in and you hoiked him back out again. Clean him up and he'll be fine. Big hugs to you, good you're keeping busy xxx
(2)
Report

I want to thank you all for your feedback and support. This has been very painful and it will take some time for me to work through forgiveness.

CM~Believe me, if it was a physical affair, he would be gone. I say that because this has been going on for a couple of months....he has no emotional attachment to this woman...it was like you said, him having fun, getting his thrills. However, he still gave a part of himself to another woman a part that was personal and should have been given to me.

This morning I told him to change his settings on fb so no one can locate him through any search engines and link it to facebook.He didn't know how to do this and I showed him how to change it and to hide his email address, etc. She was on his friend list but he unfriended her...I think before I started to dig and check things out. While in Idaho, the only person I saw on his friend list that was questionable to me was Karen. Everyone else was family. I am not giving him the benefit of the doubt on this, for some who intelligent and works in security, he really is ignorant about fb 1) he thinks the people suggested as friends when you first login are being recommended by family. This is coming from fb...not family members in GA. In his mind, he thinks he is very popular.

Yes, this is something that has been fun for him, he knew it was wrong...that is why he hid it. He has not said anything to try to blame me. Yes, I am sure that he justified it under the thinking that he was not having a physical affair....but it is still an affair. I told him Thursday evening that I expected an apology...but only if it was sincere. I told him this morning that even though this is out in the open, it is not the end of it. I am very hurt and it will take me time to work through it. He has been remorseful, I can see the hurt in his eyes. I refuse to police him because that is not how I want to live. I will keep my eyes open and be watching and looking for signs that he may still be communicating behind my back. I have no issue with him having female fb friends and I have told him that...as long as all communication is on his timeline, no private messaging or other forms of communicating. He says he does not know how to private message on fb and does not want me to show him. The only thing he has denied is that his communications with Kate were of a sexual nature. I don't buy it. I will continue to bring this up with him in small amounts to try to understand it more. He says he had no intentions of ever meeting Kate personally.No money has been involved.

I did go to work today and it helped to be around others, joking, laughing and the fast paced environment forced me to think about something other than this situation.

Again, thank you...everyone of you!!
(5)
Report

Oh, Sharyn. Like you need this trouble.

Unfortunately, speaking as the world's least successful relationship manager, I am not really in a position to advise. As I see it the trouble is that you like your husband and would prefer him to get back to normal and stick around - whereas I'd say oh all right then, off you go, no hard feelings. Maybe I'm the one who has commitment issues..?

Be that as it may. The reason that your husband can treat a FABULOUS loving woman like you - whom he loves, and never never forget that - in this hurtful, demeaning way is that in his mind his 'harmless' little fantasy has no connection with the real world, the part of his life where you live.

That is because he has been having fun and has therefore developed a new personality best described as "utter twat."

He's just about got enough brain left to realise that he can't say this and get away with it, but I will bet you that deep inside he's thinking "it's not fair. I'm only having a bit of fun. Why is she taking it all so seriously?"

Because it IS serious, moron!!! Because he lives in the real world, like it or not. Because what he does on line is inextricably connected with who he is in reality. There is no such thing as virtual, not any more.

Keep calm. Try to speak more in sorrow than in anger. Once you have taken the very sensible security precautions already suggested, gently lead him back to reality and remind him that love and family and your trust are infinitely more precious to him than cheap thrills off the internet. Do not throw away the riches of a 37 year marriage. May you soon be looking forward to your Ruby Wedding, with all of this nonsense long forgotten. God bless you.
(4)
Report

I like the way you explained it Jess, It would be nice if we all could just age gracefully and not worry about keeping up with the young ones. Thankfully, I only had to witness the Mid Life Crisis. My ex never found whatever it was he was looking for, not for lack of trying though, in the 8 years we've been divorced he has been married/divorced 3 more times. And men think women are strange creatures!! Ha!

Just take your time and keep the gates of communication open. Respect that his feelings are real (in his head) also he has to understand how hurtful this is to you. It's not going to be an easy time ahead... you've been married a very long time and hopefully, texts and emails are not deal breakers for you. (((hugs)))
(4)
Report

Jeanette, I think men can go through two crisis periods -- midlife and older man crises. The last one happens when they are in the late 60s, early 70s. Their testosterone and general energy start to take a dive and there is a thought there is something out there that can reinvigorate them. Sometimes they blame who they are with for not being able to stimulate them enough. I've heard of men who stray during this older crisis and end up hurting the woman who devoted so many years.

I think women also go through older woman crisis, but tends to turn it in on herself. Maybe it's why cosmetic surgery has become so popular. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could just appreciate getting older? And wouldn't think looks and sexual prowess were not the big things in life? Some people have trouble handing the baton off to the younger generations in modern times.
(4)
Report

What???

Need to go back several pages...
(1)
Report

Sharyn your eyes are open give yourself time you will do what you need to do-if he is really worth it you will know-do not be afraid you would be able to go it alone-from all you have been through I know you are strong he is a jerk and you do not deserve to be treated badly I had to keep telling myself this when dealing with my late husband and pulled up my big girl pants at the time and decided I was killing me caring for a sick abusive man who did not deserve my time and decided to place him and got plenty of support -God ha other plans and he died before the paperwork was completed and now 5 yrs. later I have a good kind man in my life-God was looking out for me but knew I had to take care of myself and you will do what is right for you-take your time and continue on from strength not emotions-you will come out all right in the end.
(3)
Report

He is human. She is human Mid Life Crisis. Oh yeah. We all want and desire to feel loved. Even after years. Men especially. Do NOT take it personal shayrn... your ego is fine.His is looking for his youth and to be stroked. Still it has nothing to do with you or your kids.

Yep, went through the same as you. I handled it wrong. Very wrong. Yes, it hurts, but... look at everything that is happening in your life right now.

I am not a man bashing person. He's not foolish....mid life crisis yes.

DO NOT listen to those whom bash your husband. Take your time and listen to him and most importantly your heat. If you have to live in a world of changing passwords and mistrust.... work to change it. Your life. Your husband
(2)
Report

Like I said, I don't think she is a real human. That makes him extremely foolish, which makes him typical mid-life crisis material. If it's not other women, it's a car or a motorcycle or a boat. That's why Cialis sponsors Nascar, they know the market.
(3)
Report

kateri - looks like you have found a workable solution - I hope so anyway. Sounds like your one sister, at least is having trouble accepting how ill your mum is. I am glad she has one level headed daughter - you.
(2)
Report

Absolutely agree change all passwords,take all CC infomation off any sites. Even change your bank account.keep off facebook. Even ask for new credit cards if at all concerned. The CC company will give them immediately - just tell them you lost your walett. Make sure you have cards in your own name to build up your own credit score if the worse happens. Use a new one for everything but make sure you pay it off each month. Get your name off any joint accounts. Remember half the house is yours. All I am saying is keep your powder dry which is advice I would give to anyone these days. Gone are the days when a wife was married for life and had the security of staying home and raising the children. Do not start behaving like a jailer it won't do you any good he will just be more careful. I was acussed of throwing away the mail from a girlfriend and of course denied it as there never was any mail but months later found keys to a post office box so if the intent is to decieve decieve they will. Same woman sent enough vacation brochures to fill two grocery bags to my house addressed to her sometimes even using our last name. Did not work I just handed them to him when he next turned up. Another time she ordered new bedding from Sears and sent me the bill.! I am old enough to laugh about it now but it was very stressful at the time. Before they moved out of the area I was redecorating our home and putting new carpets down. He asked if he could take the old ones because her house had no carpets she was so poor. Of course I said only too glad to have a chance to twist her tail. He is an incredibly intellegent man but so dumb in everyday life. one thing I was determined not to do was turn the children against him not that he behaved well towards them and still does not know how to connect but all three are prepared to have a relationship. They all helped me out a lot and even went to vist him but SHE did her best to turn them away. The youngest went to pick up things from hubby and the lady of the house locked the doors on her. So being the rescourceful girl she is she went round the house till she found an unlatched window and climbed in. She was met with"Don't you ever dare break into MY house again" to which daughter replied "It's not your house it's my fathers"
Well time to stop enjoying my memories and get some sleep. Sharryn you will be OK don't waste your energy on thingd that don't matter. take another sick day, one is not enough to deal with this.
Hugs
(4)
Report

My mom was cleared by both her GI doctor (today) and her thrombosis doctor to have surgery and/or radiation therapy for her cancer. I realized the best way to deal with my older sister and my other sisters in dealing with the communication issues was cc'ing all in e-mails about what was said by the different doctors and asking that they reply all if another sister (mostly my older sister) took her to one of her doctor's appointments. Although my sister was yelling at me saying I was a bully after I asked her if the GI doctor had cleared her for cancer treatments, she went home and e-mailed the GI nurse who then got the doctor to advise that she was good to have treatment. My mom has complicated issues and I had asked my older sister to focus on the bigger picture. If that was being a bully then I am fine with that. I just really want the best for my mom. I don't think that's bad. I could walk away and say forget about it all but I love her too much.
(2)
Report

In my experience, the online scammers worked in a room full people - sometimes you could hear back ground noise. They were real people but not who they presented themselves to be. I checked out a couple of scam buster sites who publish stories and info to help people who have been scammed or may be scammed. I am sure there are many variations on the theme. I did meet someone who really wanted a girlfriend, but he wanted money too. They all are very clever at manipulating people.
.
(1)
Report

sharyn, "kate" is probably no more human than Siri,(the iphone voice) she is a computer simulation. You are smart to spot that she does not know his nickname. She is 99% fantasy. Change your passwords on any online accounts, especially if you use cell phones for transactions.
An engineer had female voices put on the building elevators at county hall. All the men got a big kick out of hearing that voice say "Going down". True story.
(4)
Report

Sharynmarie,

In as much of a calm manner as you can, and when you can just try to talk to you husband about this. I agree with Emjo too, about "being the guardian of your marriage." I do feel that if anyone faced with this, feels their marriage is worth saving, then definitely do so. I however also feel, that you as Sharynmarie, the caring, loving wife of 37 years needs to be honored and not become some kind of police to her mate, because there's a threat looming he may stray. That's no way to live. He needs to realize what he's done, and if he acknowledges that it is wrong
do what ever it takes to work on trust again with you.

You are way worth more than what he is currently giving you credit for.

Hug,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
(5)
Report

Pam~Thank You for letting me know the info you shared. The fact that Kate used my hubs legal name sent up red flags. That does not excuse him from contacting her. I told hubs that he needs to change his password on everything because she know his legal name. Innocent or not he has changing to do. Told him I will continue to monitor his activity and I told him dont want to lose him to some cyber scammer.
(1)
Report

Make that "No one CAN Do it alone". I think I need a coffee.
(2)
Report

we cross posted - I see you get it about her using that name

one correction *No one CAN so it alone* not - No one cannot do it alone.
(1)
Report

Pam -and Sharyn - there are lots of people fishing for others by pretending to be something/someone they are not. The long term goal is money. For women, men come on and flatter etc. and want a relationship, professing love, attraction and so on. I online dated for a year before I met Gary and was approached by some of these - fake photos and all. I still get some of f b too. One approach these predators have is to try to get you into compromising situations, ( e g to do something that they can use to blackmail you like pose for revealing photos) then get money out of you. Others pretend to be in need and beg for money, Others try to attract by sexual means and work on the sympathy/ego/vulnerability of their victim.

Sharyn - When you mentioned that this woman in NC used the name your hub uses for financial/legal matters a red flag went up for me. Can you find out if he has sent her any money or access to accounts or ccs? These people are quite convincing. He apparently is looking for a connection which would open him up to this kind of thing.

As far as you being the guardian of your marriage, you have been. He has to be committed to that as well. No one cannot do it alone, You can set up all the safeguards you like, but he can circumvent then if he wants to. You cannot control someone else's behaviour. I would be sure that you are clear about what you want and need from him, This is not your fault. He has chosen to deal with whatever problems he/you collectively have by this means which is destructive to your marriage. Certainly it is good to discuss any areas that are problematic, and try to resolve them but his choices are not your fault. It is sad that his father passed the idea on that flirting is harmless. In my experience, it is not and can lead to other things.

I agree that most marriages are worth working on to save them after something like this. Veronica - yours is a great example. Kudos to you.

Re not being able to live separately, should it come to that, there is always a way -even if it is renting a room for a while. If he earns more than you, I think he would have to support you to some extent. Don't sell yourself short. I think a separation - mentioned by someone - can alert the partner that you mean business. Re who moves out and how much support you might get, I would consult a lawyer. It would show hub you are serious.

Just take from what all of us say as far as it makes sense to you, and to know that we care about you and feel badly for your and your situation. A number of us have been there, done that. Either way, the road is hard, but worth it. Counselling may help. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
(4)
Report

Pam- iam a little slow....this why kate responed using his formal name. Yes I am furious because has not only cheated..he has put our finanices at risk.
(2)
Report

Pam~should I also change my passwords for just the cheater?
(0)
Report

Most of these sexting texting calls are not really where they are nor who they are and the pictures are faked too. More often they are spyware hoping to eventually get your financial information and have fun with it. Change all your passwords, pronto.
(2)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter