
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Juju
Well done! I also think Veronica has given you a great suggestion about not dredging up more regarding this incident. This way, it will give him the opportunity to reflect and hopefully be truer to his feelings as they relate to you
as his wife, instead of this naughty little boy behaving badly. There's something to be said about that, which comes into play when people are talking about accountability, and that is.......one has not only to be accountable to others, but to oneself.
I was hoping you were at work yesterday, believe it or not only so that you could have some distance.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
[mutters: "I think 'brain' might be stretching it a bit, though…"]
There probably wasn't much explicit sex chat going on - if he says he was flirting, I'd buy that. Think of Roger Rabbit looking goofy and that's probably roughly the expression on his little face (eye roll). Later on, when you're feeling more comfortable and less livid (you don't sound livid, actually - but I would be if I were you!), he can flirt with you instead. Everyone likes to be made eyes at, don't they? - you just have to do it with the right person :)
It's a good thing you caught him now, you know. He was getting sucked in and you hoiked him back out again. Clean him up and he'll be fine. Big hugs to you, good you're keeping busy xxx
CM~Believe me, if it was a physical affair, he would be gone. I say that because this has been going on for a couple of months....he has no emotional attachment to this woman...it was like you said, him having fun, getting his thrills. However, he still gave a part of himself to another woman a part that was personal and should have been given to me.
This morning I told him to change his settings on fb so no one can locate him through any search engines and link it to facebook.He didn't know how to do this and I showed him how to change it and to hide his email address, etc. She was on his friend list but he unfriended her...I think before I started to dig and check things out. While in Idaho, the only person I saw on his friend list that was questionable to me was Karen. Everyone else was family. I am not giving him the benefit of the doubt on this, for some who intelligent and works in security, he really is ignorant about fb 1) he thinks the people suggested as friends when you first login are being recommended by family. This is coming from fb...not family members in GA. In his mind, he thinks he is very popular.
Yes, this is something that has been fun for him, he knew it was wrong...that is why he hid it. He has not said anything to try to blame me. Yes, I am sure that he justified it under the thinking that he was not having a physical affair....but it is still an affair. I told him Thursday evening that I expected an apology...but only if it was sincere. I told him this morning that even though this is out in the open, it is not the end of it. I am very hurt and it will take me time to work through it. He has been remorseful, I can see the hurt in his eyes. I refuse to police him because that is not how I want to live. I will keep my eyes open and be watching and looking for signs that he may still be communicating behind my back. I have no issue with him having female fb friends and I have told him that...as long as all communication is on his timeline, no private messaging or other forms of communicating. He says he does not know how to private message on fb and does not want me to show him. The only thing he has denied is that his communications with Kate were of a sexual nature. I don't buy it. I will continue to bring this up with him in small amounts to try to understand it more. He says he had no intentions of ever meeting Kate personally.No money has been involved.
I did go to work today and it helped to be around others, joking, laughing and the fast paced environment forced me to think about something other than this situation.
Again, thank you...everyone of you!!
Unfortunately, speaking as the world's least successful relationship manager, I am not really in a position to advise. As I see it the trouble is that you like your husband and would prefer him to get back to normal and stick around - whereas I'd say oh all right then, off you go, no hard feelings. Maybe I'm the one who has commitment issues..?
Be that as it may. The reason that your husband can treat a FABULOUS loving woman like you - whom he loves, and never never forget that - in this hurtful, demeaning way is that in his mind his 'harmless' little fantasy has no connection with the real world, the part of his life where you live.
That is because he has been having fun and has therefore developed a new personality best described as "utter twat."
He's just about got enough brain left to realise that he can't say this and get away with it, but I will bet you that deep inside he's thinking "it's not fair. I'm only having a bit of fun. Why is she taking it all so seriously?"
Because it IS serious, moron!!! Because he lives in the real world, like it or not. Because what he does on line is inextricably connected with who he is in reality. There is no such thing as virtual, not any more.
Keep calm. Try to speak more in sorrow than in anger. Once you have taken the very sensible security precautions already suggested, gently lead him back to reality and remind him that love and family and your trust are infinitely more precious to him than cheap thrills off the internet. Do not throw away the riches of a 37 year marriage. May you soon be looking forward to your Ruby Wedding, with all of this nonsense long forgotten. God bless you.
Just take your time and keep the gates of communication open. Respect that his feelings are real (in his head) also he has to understand how hurtful this is to you. It's not going to be an easy time ahead... you've been married a very long time and hopefully, texts and emails are not deal breakers for you. (((hugs)))
I think women also go through older woman crisis, but tends to turn it in on herself. Maybe it's why cosmetic surgery has become so popular. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could just appreciate getting older? And wouldn't think looks and sexual prowess were not the big things in life? Some people have trouble handing the baton off to the younger generations in modern times.
Need to go back several pages...
Yep, went through the same as you. I handled it wrong. Very wrong. Yes, it hurts, but... look at everything that is happening in your life right now.
I am not a man bashing person. He's not foolish....mid life crisis yes.
DO NOT listen to those whom bash your husband. Take your time and listen to him and most importantly your heat. If you have to live in a world of changing passwords and mistrust.... work to change it. Your life. Your husband
Well time to stop enjoying my memories and get some sleep. Sharryn you will be OK don't waste your energy on thingd that don't matter. take another sick day, one is not enough to deal with this.
Hugs
.
An engineer had female voices put on the building elevators at county hall. All the men got a big kick out of hearing that voice say "Going down". True story.
In as much of a calm manner as you can, and when you can just try to talk to you husband about this. I agree with Emjo too, about "being the guardian of your marriage." I do feel that if anyone faced with this, feels their marriage is worth saving, then definitely do so. I however also feel, that you as Sharynmarie, the caring, loving wife of 37 years needs to be honored and not become some kind of police to her mate, because there's a threat looming he may stray. That's no way to live. He needs to realize what he's done, and if he acknowledges that it is wrong
do what ever it takes to work on trust again with you.
You are way worth more than what he is currently giving you credit for.
Hug,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
one correction *No one CAN so it alone* not - No one cannot do it alone.
Sharyn - When you mentioned that this woman in NC used the name your hub uses for financial/legal matters a red flag went up for me. Can you find out if he has sent her any money or access to accounts or ccs? These people are quite convincing. He apparently is looking for a connection which would open him up to this kind of thing.
As far as you being the guardian of your marriage, you have been. He has to be committed to that as well. No one cannot do it alone, You can set up all the safeguards you like, but he can circumvent then if he wants to. You cannot control someone else's behaviour. I would be sure that you are clear about what you want and need from him, This is not your fault. He has chosen to deal with whatever problems he/you collectively have by this means which is destructive to your marriage. Certainly it is good to discuss any areas that are problematic, and try to resolve them but his choices are not your fault. It is sad that his father passed the idea on that flirting is harmless. In my experience, it is not and can lead to other things.
I agree that most marriages are worth working on to save them after something like this. Veronica - yours is a great example. Kudos to you.
Re not being able to live separately, should it come to that, there is always a way -even if it is renting a room for a while. If he earns more than you, I think he would have to support you to some extent. Don't sell yourself short. I think a separation - mentioned by someone - can alert the partner that you mean business. Re who moves out and how much support you might get, I would consult a lawyer. It would show hub you are serious.
Just take from what all of us say as far as it makes sense to you, and to know that we care about you and feel badly for your and your situation. A number of us have been there, done that. Either way, the road is hard, but worth it. Counselling may help. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))