The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

So let me say this loudly and clearly: If your husband is texting another woman, or sexting another woman, he is the one doing wrong, not you.

You are not to blame. Yes, we can contribute to the temptation to sin. But no matter what you did, there is NEVER an excuse to start a relationship with someone who is not your spouse, and you need to let go of that guilt.

I am so tempted to post this on facebook.

Thank you Kaz...I know you are going through your on sh!!t right now so I do appreciate your support. I am thinking about you.

jujubean so funny! LOL

I had huge rows with my EX best friend who thought nothing about dating married men? it really is something i couldnt do and her attitude was SHES doing nothing wrong that HE is? no i dont agree once you know someone is married you walk away OR bad shit karma will get you!!
Hugs sharynmarie! thinking of you!

I remember way back in the 80's watching Eddie Murphy stand up routine with a bit about cheating, that has always stuck in my head. Something like-but much funnier-Guys, never admit it....even if you get caught, caught in the act, no matter, just deny deny deny. "Now who you gonna believe baby, me or your lying eyes!"

Veronica~ I won't approach him with anger....I already screamed my head off last night...I wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors heard me.

I plan to sit down with him rationally and calmly to discuss why he felt he needed to pursue these women. Yes, whatever he feels is lacking in the marriage is something we can work on...but he has to realize that I cannot fulfill all his needs...he has to be able to do it for himself as long as it is within boundaries of our marriage.

I told him last night that someone has to be the guardian of our marriage and I will be that person. I texted Kate, told her to back off (printed his name) stop all communications now. She texted back 2 hours later...first text said...hello hunie. Second text said...what is this (hubs first formal name). I texted back saying I was his wife, if you have any self respect you will stop all communication with my husband now. He has been married 37 years and has 2 grown children......don't mess with me. My cell phone # is of course different from hubs...she had to have seen that???? That last number is different.

She used his first formal name which hubs goes by his middle name with friends and family. He only uses his first formal name for financial and legal matters.

Yes Juju, how stupid do you think I am hubs and how stupid are you (hubs). Playing dumb and innocent isn't going to pass for me.. Ok, so you accidentally friend someone...you ignore it no harm done...no communication going on between you. If hubs had posted...Happy Birthday sweet one have a good flight. It would not have hurt me...he personalized it by capitalizing My Sweet one. She responded with thank you (his name). No personal comment on her behalf...his remark came across to me as possessive by using My Sweet one. Maybe I am reading more into it but that is how it makes me feel..a violation. Yes anyone could have seen this comment if they were really checking out Karen's profile...which I was looking specifically for comments from my husband.

Thank you Jessiebelle, I am sorry you and several others have gone through this.

I just have to add SM...with my drama....I remember used to say to some of his ridiculous statements more than a few times..."OMG..are you kidding me, either you are stupid or you think i am stupid and neither one is a good thing!"

Sharyn don't do anything hasty like moving out. If anyone needs to it is hubby. You have done nothing wrong and not violated your wedding vows. move into a seperate bedroom if you want to but stay in the house as long as you are not in physical danger.
I refuse to go on facebook because i think it is evil. (I am very open minded and forgiving of others but sociopathic women trolling for other peoples husbands is something I will not tolerate. When my hubby first strayed FB had not been invented but there were plenty of dating sites not that he needed one he found someone in our own backyard. later claimed to be my friend. What she wanted was my home and farm to move her family in and the contents of hubby's wallet. When she dis not get all that she took to using his ATM card and forging checks. he went to the police and threw her out but never prosecuted because he did not want her kids to have a fellon for a mother. Would not have mattered the kids were also stealing money from him too. He is a very inocent person and far too trusting refusing to believe anything bad about anyone. Well he knows better now. he's been paying child support for the last 20 years.Not a nice world but stay strong Sharyn but son't be too judgemental whatever you believe. he is going to deny everything anyway. "He was just passing the time because you work late and he gets bored and you are too tired when you get home" That kind of think Don't start a fight that goes nowhere just look him straight in the eye, Make an appointment for some councilling tomorrow. go alone, you need to build your strength up. I have seen very little progress with marriage counciling, the couple are the ones who have to calmly work things out. Decide if you can forgive him and if not make your plans.More hugs

Sharynmarie, you are on it. Hubs is not fooling you with any Jedi mind trick. 37 years is a long time to invest in a relationship, and he is obviously not taking it seriously. Maybe he doesn't feel good about himself and doesn't want you to know, so he is looking for strokes from others. This internet and texting crap just makes it too easy for some people to justify cheating. They think because it's in cyberspace it's harmless. HORSE MUFFINS! You can't make him do anything, but he needs to decide what he wants - a marriage with you or worthless flings on the internet that may or may not be with someone he has known in the past.

Be brave, you deserve answers. He is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. He needs to be accountable for his actions. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I say this from experience from a prior marriage, so I've been in the exact spot you are right now. It hurts like hell, but get your shields up. Prayers for you.

Thank you everyone, you have no idea how much it means to me that you all agree that he is wrong in doing this.

If you all remember, I posted about our daughter who saw on fb where her dad (my hubs) had become friends with a woman named Joanna. She went to the woman's profile to check her out...all her pics were porn. Our daughter reported several of the photos to fb and within an hour, fb shut down her account. This happened while I was in Idaho.

I started checking out hubs friend list and came across a young woman named Karen. Her pics, while fully clothed, are very sexy, provocative pics. I checked out her postings and on her birthday back in July, it said 7 other people posted on her timeline for her birthday. I clicked that link...and sure enough, the first poster was my husband. He said to her, "Happy Birthday My Sweet one have a good flight." My heart sank....I confronted him about it because for me, what he posted was intimate and personal as though they had a relationship of some type. Being a married man, he again violated boundaries. He said he doesn't know her and does not remember posting that comment. I asked him why are you friends with someone you don't know and making comments to them that are personal. He didn't have an answer. That is when I told him I would be checking our verizon account on his texting and that I would also be checking with comcast to see if he is skyping. I haven't checked with comcast yet. He apparently thought that our verizon bill would only show how many minutes of texting he does and since it is unlimited, it was not costing any more money. What he failed to realize was that I can see from day to day who he is texting to and who is texting him back. This number with area code 910 (North Carolina, Fort Bragg area), is being texted a lot and they are texting him back. On the 24th, he texted her at 3:18pm...on his way home from work....then he and she texted all evening from the time he got home until 11pm. This is not just normal "talking" for that many hours. I wasn't born yesterday. He denied texting her at 3:18....I brought up the account on the computer and showed him. On other days, it shows him and her texting as early as 3:30am (when he is getting ready for work). He says she is in Florida (2 hour time difference between Cali), but the area code is in North Carolina (3 hour difference)...Karen's fb profile says she lives in Tucson, Arizona. He did unfriend Karen...but I am going to find out if Karen and Kate are the same person. If they are 2 different people, then that is 2 woman that he has violated our marriage with and possibly a 3rd with Joanna.

I could insist that if we stay on fb that we have a mutual account so we know what the other is doing, who we talk to, etc.but he could still create an account under a fake name and just continue on.

I don't know what I am going to do because I can't afford to live on my own. My car will be paid off next month which will give me an extra $350 a month that I plan on using to pay off my credit card. Then I was going to save the money to start fixing up the house, new flooring,etc but now I don't think I want to put my money in the house in case I have to get out of here.

Yes Veronica, I am going to ask him when he gets home today 1) is Karen and Kate the same person, 2) does he want to continue this marriage and what is he willing to contribute to "our" relationship 3) what does he want and expect from our marriage 4) is he willing to give me what I expect and want in return.

We have been married 37 years, and yes...a lot of history together that I would hate to have to end, but he is going to have to earn my trust and respect all over again. I could move out and go live with my sis but that would mean an hour commute to work one direction, so 2 hours of driving each day I go to work.

As far as our daughter is concerned, she views him friending this Joanna by accident and she says the woman is a scammer. I do know that when you log on to fb, it pops with people as suggested friends. I do know that people have complain about this because you can click the suggested persons name and at the same time accidentally send a friend request to them. Having said that, once you realize that you sent the request, you can delete it and you can also unfriend the person once you realize they have accepted your request. I am not giving him the benefit of the doubt because he could have unfriended Karen a long time ago once he saw that they were fb friends.

I called in sick so I can get my thoughts together and to hopefully get all this crying out of the way I don't want to break down at work. It just blows me away that men just don't see their actions as being wrong. Let me rephraise that....he knows its wrong...but it is acceptable for men to behave this way...his father has crossed my personal boundaries more than once with comments, but hubs and his family thinks it is perfectly normal and I am a prude. His dad sat here in our home about 7 years ago saying he sees nothing wrong with flirting with other women because it makes him "Feel Good". This is a man who is a devout Christian. I guess my interpretation of the Book of Ephesians is wrong.

Sharyn, I know what you are going through. My ex started using the internet to find his old high school friends, primarily girlfriends. It was the second sign that our marriage was going down the tubes. At the time I just shrugged it off. Maybe it was because I realized the marriage was no longer worth saving.

I think most marriages are worth saving and that you should have a talk with your husband about it. Nothing good seems to come from these internet/cell phone affairs. I knew one man who ended up leaving his wife and four children to fly across the country to be with an internet mate. The affair didn't work out, but by then the wife and children hated the man. Internet affairs are totally NOT innocent. They can do a lot of damage. IMO, if your husband wants your marriage to work, these electronic communications need to come to an end.

Sharyn I just can't tell you how bad I feel for you. I have been there and totally understand what you are going through. you feel dead inside and can't do anything. I would stand totally numb in the grocery store having no idea what to buy. Could not sleep or eat, lost a lot of weight
I agree with you that any affair physical or emotional is still an affair because he (or she) is sharing personal things which are yours alone.
My husband left with a pschiopathic witch and I felt trapped with too many responsibilities to go it alone plus three kids in college. Looking back that was the time to leave 25 years ago but after much history and water under the bridge we celebrated pur 50 th wedding anniversary last year.
What i have learnt is that you have to set the rules as soon as you find out what is going on. I didn't I just clung to the hope that he would return and everything would work out. Many years later when he was still in and out of relationships I gave him back my rings. I tried to take them off many times but I just could not I had married for life. I have never seen someone as devastated as he was. He suddenly realized that he could loose me even though he had not valued me. After that I took action to get out of the trap and make it possible to be financially independent. We are a couple again and respect each others space and can talk about his behaviour. He has a life long battle with mental illness and I do now understand why he did the things he did. Wrong and horrible as they were. It has taken a long time and he knows I really love him because he is actually a very good and kind man. I have set my limits theough and he understands that if he even attempts to stray again that will be the last time. I now have the strength to do what may need to be done.
I hope this helps you. Right now you are in too much pain to think straight but my message is not to cling to him because the more you do the harder he will pull away and that is the hardest thing to do. Find the strength and ask him what he wants and expects from your marriage and if you have to seperate for a time so be it. Much love hugs and blessings.

sharynmarie confront him! do not let this linger! i walked out on my husband 20yrs ago but he never cheated he was abusive always accusing me of having affairs etc.. THEN when i left he spent his time with hoards of different women but soon got sick of it and begged me to come back? men think grass is always greener until the reality kicks in and they realise its not a bit of fun its what destroys families! Nip it in the bud asap i would confront him then you both get counselling! I gave my marriage 100 per cent before walking away i knew hed never change as i gave him so many warnings! sometimes men need you to walk out before thier silly little brains register just how bad their behaviour is! what women see as betrayal and rightly so men see as harmless fun?until they lose everything!
A big hug for you its not easy going through this alone please talk to a professional i wish at the time i did but i was only 29yrs old what did i know?

My husband moved on got married pretty quickly had two kids BUT when i last spoke to him years ago he wasnt a happy chappy! we fall in love once in our lives twice if we are really lucky im still looking out for my second chance at love hes out there somewhere we just havnt met yet??
hang in there we all feel for you! gosh men think with thier privates not thier brains!! sharynmarie all this may just make your marriage stronger so fight for it if hes worth it!

In this day of the cyberworld it is so prevelent now....I just saw on a talk show them debating that very subject.... people in committed relationships having internet relationships... they argue back n forth but the consensus was if you have to hide it, it is cheating, whether in person or just internet! So don't feel bad about your emotions. Do just try to relax, so very hard to do, I know, just try! XOXOX!!!

Sharynmarie,

I am so sorry to hear about this news about your husband.
What on earth is he thinking!!! You are such a good woman, and I did wonder when you'd written very recently that as I understood, you thought he was looking at porn. Yes, technology. Well try to rest, your knee, maybe do a salt bath. This rids the body of aches and negative energy.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks everyone. Even if he is just talking...it is an infidelity to me because it being done behind my back..,his childrens backs and his families.i became suspisicous (sp?) Back in april or may when his normal habits changed about watching tv using internet more. Believe me the wife is not the last know,,,,cqlling off work tomorrow..too hurt to deal with work.

Thanks ...catch up later. too much right now

Sharyn, I am so sorry. The internet makes it so easy for these kinds of things to happen. My ex, 15 years ago now, before chat rooms and dating sites, maybe, was looking at porn sites. I don't think at that time he was chatting with anybody, but could have been. When we first divorced, he started dating women he met on the internet, so who the heck knows. Maybe I have given him too much credit.

Kazz, maybe you should visit your brother for the holidays, if nobody else is going there. Two years ago was my first holiday celebration alone. All my kids were out of town with in-laws, and TS's had Mom and L over, I was not invited. Turned out OK, but was glad when that season was over! I just kept thinking that maybe next year, that was a year ago. Last year was awful because TS's had told Mom's newly assigned guardian that I was keeping them from Mom. What a bunch of it! So had all here for breakfast just because guardian wanted me too. She has come to understand the situation for what it is now and won't do that again.

Maybe next year, but there is still three months until then. Lots of things can happen. Am thinking about taking thanksgiving week off since sibs also have week off from their jobs. They can come stay with mom for that week while I just go hibernate somewhere.

Oh sharyn, How upsetting...sending you my support!!!!

Sharyn I am so sorry about your news -take care girlfriend and come here often and let your sisterhood friends be there for you. Kaaz hang in there the nerve of bro asking about the holidays I can not say here what I would have answered him with-I read Dr. Phil's book when life was bad for me and he said it is better to be alone than with someone who treats you badly and that became my mantra and it is true-God sent me a good man over a yr. and a half ago and what a difference it has made in my life-to be treated good took getting use to after years married to a selfish baby of a man and a childhood with a narcissistic mother -you are better away from all that drama and do not let them pull you back in to their lair of dysfunction-in time you will meet people who will value the good person you are-keep your heart open for good people who are out there-families are often overrated .

Good news! My Mom is off of Plevix ( or whatever that blood thinner is), is taking anti-biotics (for the third time this year) for a UTI, but she felt good enough to go shopping and to eat out tonight. She was in such a nice pleasant mood, it was almost like having the mother I used to get along with today. So the other side of Dr.Jeckyll/Mr.Hyde was today. It was so nice to relax an enjoy each other: been a long, long, time!!

sharymarie hugs i dont know whats going on with your hubby but just thinking of you! also good advice i never thought of that! yes i will take photos next tiime its a wk now so i guess the house will be pretty bad! doc is supposed to see mum on tuesday i doubt shell turn up but he may demand she sees him or she wont get her perscription? i dont know if he can legally do that? anyway im staying away and starting to calm down. I try not to think of my sister and brother as i just get so angry!

OMG my other supportive bro asked me in a joking way so whats the plan for xmas? oh god please dont even go there i will not be going near the house. Yes alot coming up mums bday in oct dads year anniversary in dec then "happy families xmas" LOL "the season to be jolly?" Ive spent the best xmas alone 3yrs ago!! looking forward to another one with no siblings!

am just chilling as i have bad flu its unbelievable weather here we are having an indian summer but cold at night so bugs everywhere!

hugs to all and sharynmarie you need someone to talk to! thinking of you!

((((((Sharyn))))))) you need to vent and share. I am so sorry about this and know how hurtful it is. The shame is not yours to bear - it is his. You are a faithful and hardworking wife. Unfortunately, today's technology makes this kind of thing very easy though that is no excuse for anyone. Can the two of you, or you alone go for counselling before it gets worse? I wondered how you were.

Ibam so heart broken... i finally blew tonight with my hubs about text messages to to a # north carolina. He denied it but did admit he his talking with a woman in flordia named kate. I have no where elxe to vent this.. I know you all dont want to get involled... but iam so hurt... i texted the # telling her to back off bane told hubs we would have a facebook account that is joint. I told him he would have to explain this to his family and children. Iam so ashamed of him and our marriage.

Thx margeaux , I agree about the general info - really not much more than her new address. Re the cards - they will generally come to her new address via the mail once I have informed people. It is just the ones that go to her old address that will come to me. She does not deal with business anymore and I have transferred some of it to my address, and will continue to as things come up. She keeps business mail and waits for me to pick it up or she sends it to me. Seems to work for now. The lady who takes her shopping can help with sending stuff on to me. When I set up her phone and cable I will give them my address. Slowly, I am getting things transferred over. Hopefully only her personal mail will go to her eventually. Then she can do what she likes with it. It will be interesting to see if having her belongings around her will make a difference. Yes, I have quite enough to contend with and I feel it.

Emjo,

It sounds like this is a two tier situation.
One, is the fact that you may be feeling in the middle, since these relatives who once communicated w/your mom don't know about her current condition. I always
think that for a variety of reasons......best to just share very general information.
This way you keep yourself clear of the he said, she said.

Now the other part is.......I have to say, given your relationship w/your mom,
and the chaos she's caused you, I guess if you feel comfortable giving her cards
sent to her, then I guess there's no harm done. But if you really feel that she's not really interested in these, don't you think it's just going to be something extra for you to have on your plate? You have quite enough to contend with already.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks ju. I wish she could use a computer still It was a lifeline for her, but I think windows 8 is beyond her. She has tried it and with the loss of short term memory, she forgets what she has just learned. I am thinking of getting an old laptop of mine, with windows 7, fixed up and seeing if she can use that, but need to get her settled in first.

One annoying part of this is that even if she is in a "tiered" facility with different levels of care, if she needs more care, at some point, there is no guarantee that she will stay in the same facility. She will be placed in the first bed that becomes available which could be anywhere in the city, which would mean another move. Aaaargh. This has to end sometime. Thank God for Gary. I don't know what I would do without him.

So glad that you are feeling better and your home renos are getting completed. (((((hugs)))))

Thx Veronica. Now that I have had notice that mother will be moving fairly soon, I think I can wait until I have an address. It should probably be within the month and I have only had one card for her in the past few months. She actually still can write quite well if she is motivated, She does not keep the cards, but gives them back to me. I agree that family only need know that she is moving to a place where she will get more care. That in itself says that she is declining.

I laughed at the thought of her enjoying anything. Mother does not join in any activities, but sits and thinks about all the wrongs in her life. She does still read books though, so she would enjoy receiving those, She doesn't remember the plots, but still enjoys reading.

I am getting better. This infection is a difficult one to deal with as it is not just getting the candida under control but also building up the good bugs and that takes quite a lot of time. I read recently that children who have had a lot of antibiotics may never recover a normal gut balance. It takes months to restore balance after one bout of antibiotics. and I was on then several times a year for years. Thankfully I found some kimchi and some coconut milk yogurt - both good sources of probiotics - as I am allergic to dairy. Getting older sure doesn't help either, but I am determined to beat this. I was off the meds last year, so I can do it again.

Thanks for the support all!!
Gosh Emjo- a move again, last I remember you just got her settled in over a move. I would agree that correspondence, a general statement of sorts with not too much detail seems fair, as sed at 102 issues are not surprising to anyone. Greeting cards are nice. a good suggestion...in this day of the internet I think that practice is slowly becoming obsolete!
Wish everybody strength in dealing with their challenges!!!
Peace, Juju

Emjo I know your situation is so complicated with your mother but I do think extended family would appreciate knowing that her overall condition is declining.
I would just keep it in the general terms that she is no longer able to concentrate on writing but would enjoy recieving cards from them. You could say that she is in the process of moving so she can have more care and leave out the detail,. at 102 they will be expecting a decline. You can also say you are having all her mail sent to you so you can deal with the essentials and forward personal mail to her.
No one needs to know she is in psyc ward A in XYZ mental hospital for the insane.
You can assure them you are continuing to ensure that she recieves high quality care and is tolerating the necessary restrictions of her freedom and is free to participate in many of the activities provided and particularily enjoys the ie "music club" If your sister spills the beans so be it you will not have told any lies. If mom is not interested in her mail when you give it too her cahnces are she does not open it if sent directly to her and probably does not listen if someone reads it to her. the idea of a basket of cards is excellent as she probably will only look at the pictures and the signature. keep the messages short and include simple family events. Maybe."Everyone in Calgery is fine ,Bobby's wife is expecting her fifth. I do enjoy babies. The weather is lovely for Oct. can't believe the year has gone so fast." If she even cares anymore it will show others still know she is alive and they think of her. At least you will have tried. Glad you are feeling better Joan. it is so hard to accept that as we get older it takes so long to recover from everything. Hugs