Follow
Share
Read More
cell phone pics is a great idea Sharyn,
certainly your work could cause joint problems. Someone mentioned a brace - would that help? Glad your shingles are clearing up and you did not have a bad attack.

Well one elder is getting sorted out and now it seems that my ex mil is having problems. She is in her early 80s and has had diabetes type 2 and atrial fib for years and years. Her other son had to break into her place a week ago and he found her passed out on the floor. She went to hospital and has no recollection of the incident. They said it was some new meds. I just talked to her and got her son first and he quickly told me that he had to call the ambulance today as she got really mad at him - then she came to the phone and I heard no more. She says she is fine and that she went to hospital because of a cracked rib she got earlier in the summer. I am not sure that she is fine - she does not sound quite like herself and I wonder if there is some dementia setting in. Her doctor has suggested that she move to a senior's place, but she keeps putting it off. Her other son does not work and is on disability due to depression and spends quite a lot of time with his mum though he has his own place. Right now it is good that she has him to look out for her. Not sure there is much I could do but keep in touch and encourage. A cousin of my ex contacted me and asked how she is, so I can keep them informed. Just hope I stay relatively well for quite a while!!! I don't want to saddle Gary with a decrepit old woman!
(3)
Report

Ok, I will try again...accidentally pushed something and lost the post.

Kaz~If you have not removed all your belongings from your mom's house, the next time you go over, if you have the opportunity, I would use the cell phone to take pics of the unclean conditions your mom is living in now. Just in case you need it, if/when the sh!!t hits the fan.

Glad~For my mom, I am going to get blank cards with cute animal pics and outdoor scenery. She likes both and the visual will keep her interest with a short note inside.

Juju~Glad to see you posting here again. 10 years is a long time. I am glad the renovations are coming along, so much stress dealing with just the reno.

CLE~Welcome!!! I echo what everyone else has said. Maybe your brother can come visit you and mom for Christmas.

Joan~The only reason I think something may be going on with my knee that is not related to my back, is because I do have knee pain without back pain. It could be all from the sciatica. My dr did say I have bursitis in this knee....diagnosed without an xray after he manipulated my knee around in different positions. The pain seems to only be there when driving home from work after being on my feet all day. I only suggest a torn meniscus because of how common it is when you are pivoting back and forth with your knees, lifting 30-35lb boxes and just the normal wear and tear on the body from years of this type of work. The other day when I go to work, I lifted 3 boxes of whole body chickens onto a cart so I could prep them for the next day. Well, for an hour afterward, I had knee pain, I was even thinking that I may have to leave if it continues. I do have a high tolerance to pain so it is not like I am a big baby, LOL!!! There are times when I should stay home but I don't. Anyway, it will all work out and I will find out for sure what is going on.

For general info, the larger of the 2 shingle spots is still healing. Some days it is very itchy. It looks like 1 chicken pox spot now.

Take care everyone, we are slowing cooling into the 80's with the mornings and evening being very nice. I can't wait for Oct....we will settle into some nice temps then.
(3)
Report

Phone call this morning from the hospital transition coordinator and I was informed that mother will likely be moved soon, and then we will have three days to get her moved once I get the call, so I better get my ducks in a row. She needs someone to do the things that have been done for her - shopping for her vitamins, buying clothing, taking stuff for dry cleaning, transportation to her doctors etc. I told them that Gary will be dealing with the furniture and other belongings and he is out of town now. A few weeks ago they said we had a 3 month wait. Gary has another meeting out of town in October so wish us luck.

Mother will need a new mattress, and cannot have cloth furniture because of bed bug scare. She does have two leather occasional chairs and a wooden rocker so that should work. I will call Sears about a new mattress and see if I can buy one and if they can keep one on hand and deliver it when needed. Mother has a lady that has shopped for her and mother always complains how much she costs, but I think we will just have to live with that. The coordinator told me to tell mother not to worry about. I burst into laughter. I'm afraid he does not "get" her. She will worry, regardless of what I say.

It is rather sudden, but Gary thrives on this kind of thing, so I am sure he will look aftermost of it. We can do some sorting when we go to get her coat and sweater.

Of course, after she is moved, there is the need to dispose of what is left but can't worry about that now. I think we need to leave the rest of her stuff in storage for a few months till she settles in. No doubt she will change her mind about a few things.

I will send pics of her furniture etc. to the SW who can start going through them to see what she wants with her. Apparently she can't have too much due to fire regulations.

Once she is in I will have to set up a phone for her and cable service. I don't think she can manage a computer anymore. Not sure how to manage seeing that she has "pin" money, but maybe I will have to send her a few $20s in an envelope every now and again.

The TC tactfully suggested a mental health facility and I whole heartedly agreed. The staff there will have better skills in managing her problems and keeping her on the injected risperidone. They will allow her an open unit. She told them that she is not going anywhere. I will see to it that she does not have the money to go far.

Need to get her credit card and ATM card sorted out now.

Just thinking aloud here. Any ideas are welcome. It would be great to get her moved before the snow comes. One step at a time!!!
(6)
Report

Hi ju -glad to see you back and also glad that your life has settled a bit. I gather the renovations are coming along. 10 years is a very long time to give up your life for someone else. Hope you manage to get some "me" time once in a while.

CLE - the nerve!!! Don't go along with it. Sibs so easily dump it in the lap of the one who takes some responsibilities. Vent away

kaz - I am glad you have seen all who need to be seen and can start to put all this behind you. Why does the doctor think your mum collapsed not so long ago? It was she was not caring for herself even though you were trying to. Just crazy!!! But they seem to have to wait till things get worse. Take care of you now and let us know how you are.

glad, the amount of money that is being spent because of your TWS's and also C is insane!!! I do hope the poor performance of C it gets dealt with at this next hearing. Removing the asbestos floors as well is a good idea. The hardwood underneath could be quite nice if refinished I don't blame you leaving the friend alone You have enough on your plate.

Sharyn - I thought that you had a back problem -don't know where I got that from. Hope you get some answers soon. Your mum seems to have settled down for now.

Margeaux - talk about dysfunctional. You have lots of experience.

cm - read about you having to put your mum's cat down. I know how hard that is and that you will miss her. ((((((((hugs))))))) Keep yourself sane no matter what you have to do. Life doesn't give us many breaks.

loo, sandwich, Alison, everyone Hi, and take care of you.

Things are moving here. I will start a new post.
(3)
Report

Hi there
Saying hi to all of you! Trying to participate a little more...I have been avoiding the computer world for quite a while now, very busy and frustrated that it is all I have. But I am realizing I really need this site...now FaceBook I can do without.... but not AgingCare! I did need some time to process everything I went thru and purged out when I first came here on top of that I was so stressed last year with mom's med staff, and their issues, then being put out of our home last July started a snowball I just now feel like ok maybe I can relax a little and participate more without being so sensitive or insensitive in some cases....and my reading/comprehension issue really bothers me. Anyway, still hanging in there and mom is plugging along, this week is the 10 year anniversary of me taking her home with me....wow where does the time go!
well I just wanted to say hi to everyone new and those who have supported me in the past! and hope to visit more often now that things are settling down.
Thanks for being here!!
Peace,
Juju
(6)
Report

CM, Squeak?! LOL!
(0)
Report

Squeak! CLE, well my goodness they have a nerve between them - so who do they think is stumping up those air fares, hmmm???

I'll pass on a tip - my ex-husband had a special technique for saying an absolute no to requests for money.

Child: Hi, Daddy, I was thinking of going to India for my gap year :)
Ex-husband: You have my blessing.

Your mother wishes to go to Texas? Your brother is happy to accommodate her for a fortnight? Wonderful! Give them your blessing ;) Call brother back and explain it makes no sense for you to make logistical arrangements on his behalf. And, in case he perhaps hasn't grasped this important point, that by the way he does realise mother hasn't got the air fare, doesn't he?
(4)
Report

Am so done now! saw my doc she was horrified at my bruises i was so embarrassed at first she thought mum did it? then went to see mums doc told him ive had it with lies im stealing her money,im never there,all the BS of course the a**holes that they are "well the professionals havnt seen any sign of behaviour problems related to dementia?" i asked does he really think a 20 min assessment is professional? anyway i voiced my concerns and showed him my bruises and said this needs to stop right now and she needs to be properly assessed but im NOT her carer anymore i cant take anymore of the lies and conflict with family. i came out deflated and ALONE? im done now and he said hed get her in and SEE? if there is a need for social services to intervene? well he knows mums on her own now brother just popping in daily? there is nothing more i can do but wait until it all falls down around them!
I am so drained now but ive recorded it all its now up to them shes thier responsibility.
Moving everything out this wkend as friend can help me once thats all done mum will crap herself then shell take her anger out on brother she has to know that im never coming back as this time shes gone too far! I just dont get it i mean WHO listens to us? shrinks,docs etc well we dont see it? OMG what has to happen before theyll at least really sit down and listen to the carers? I passed the house this morning at 11am curtains closed? so mum is supposed to take her insulin at 9am then eat. she was still in bed and on her own? porch shut so poor cat not out until she wakes up. Im taking him tomorrow then start to get my stuff out then i will begin to switch off from it all its a horrible situation but i know mum will be in hospital again soon! anyway at least today i got alot done told everyone whats really going on what more can i do! so frustrating when you cant really talk to anyone properly? i just give up!

hugs to all!
(4)
Report

CLE let me also add my welcome to you. Can you tell us more about your situation as your mom's caregiver so we can better help you. Caregivers on this forum have often dealt with similar situations and will be happy to share how they resolved their problems.
If Mom is mentally competent and healthy enough to travel alone there is no reason why she should not go to Texas to see your brother. However she can not expect others to pay for her. If you or your brother want to find the money that is your decision. Don't be guilted into doing something you simply don't have the money for. As it is you are currently subsidizing her by paying for things she can't afford. Are these bills for actual needs or things she feels entitled to such as cable TV or a cell phone. many elders have to learn to live within their incomes and that often means downsizing their accomodation, giving up a car and taking the bus, renting an apartment in a subsidised senior apartment complex.
i also totally agree with Glads answer we just need a few more facts. Blessings
(5)
Report

CLE, welcome. You are in good company! I would tell your brother that he needs to travel to you to help Mom. She should not be on a plane alone, at least if she is anything like mine! My mom would be so terribly confused and probably think she is being kidnapped or some such. That is the disease and there comes a time with all of them that travel is impossible. Oh wait, you did not say if she has dementia. Does she? Even if it is general health, she should not travel alone! There comes a time.
(2)
Report

My mom wants to go to see my brother in Texas for Christmas, 2 weeks. She doesn't have any money to come down there. I pay whatever extras she cannot cover each month. My brother says "I'm going to leave everything up to you"....Oh thanks! I couldn't say anything at the time because it would have made my mother feel even more guilty and bad for me taking care of her. It feels like everyone takes for granted that I am the antidependent in the family and take on too many responsibilities.
Thanks for allowing me a safe space to vent:)
Prayers to all you fellow caregivers.
(5)
Report

Emjo, yes C's actions are primarily what the hearing is for in a few weeks. I just do not get it at all. Impartial third parties were supposed to put an end to this.

Went to my house on Monday to check progress. Nearly all the plaster, lathe, carpets have been taken out. Some popcorn ceilings containing asbestos has been removed. But now they are having trouble with the house testing in acceptable ranges for asbestos. I have a hunch it is probably the old linoleum that is cracked and disintegrating that was beneath the carpets and installed on wood floors. So, everything is kind of on hold until they figure out what is causing the spiked reading for asbestos. So, looking like all linoleum will now need abatement too. That is a good thing, might as well get it all out of there.

I have distanced myself from friend. Just more than I can deal with, I was too much the enabler for way too long. But caring for Mom and L, to say nothing about TS additional stress just did not have it in me to take care of that situation too. Just too, too much. I do have my limits on how much I can deal with. I will say this for him, he was very supportive of me and all I do for Mom and gets the TS nonsense too. I do have another friend here that I can talk to about all of this, and naturally all of you as well. :)
(4)
Report

Sharyn, on the cards funny, or not so, TS#1 just does not see mom often so I suggested that she send a card, note, postcard to her since Mom enjoys them so much. Well, TS (twisted sister) went to Europe last year. And when TS returned she sent mom cards weekly for a few weeks until I sent her an email telling her how much Mom enjoyed the cards. Well, the cards never came again.
(2)
Report

Joan~As far as my knee is concerned, the only thing I know is to get a cortisone injection, which is also temporary. I really want to get an MRI done to rule out a torn meniscus because when my mother had a torn meniscus, she also had hip pain. I need to call my insurance to find out what they will pay re: an MRI. This type of injury is so common and very easy to do especially with the type of work that I have been doing the 19 years.
(2)
Report

we cross posted, Sharyn - sounds like cards would work well for your mother, When I next see mother I will ask her if she wants me to let people know where she is now or wait until she has a new address. If nothing else it will probably please her as I am asking her opinion and prepared to do something for her. She is still sharp in some ways, but has definitely changed. I suppose it depends on when the vascular damage is.in the brain,

glad - really their behaviour is appalling and C is NOT doing her job. Can you follow this up with anyone? How is the house repair going, and how is your friend with the oxygen tank? Dare say he will be more careful now.
(3)
Report

gosh, Glad - every new thing you reveal about the C and the TWs shows them to be worse and worse.

re mother - I don't know how much she wants to hear from them anymore. When I brought her the mail which had been sent to me from her old ALF - (obviously it was misplaced somewhere as some was months old but did contain birthday greetings and other things) I sat with her and opened the envelopes, gave her the cards, she read them and gave them back to me. She did not want to keep them, which is unusual for her, and to me speaks of the dementia progressing. She did not give the impression, not make any comment about having been pleased to get them, though I would think she must have been to some extent, but not much She is so obsessed with her "problems" that they occupy more and more of her attention. Her world is definitely smaller. I did get some interest out of her talking about Haiti where she did volunteer work for 15 years. It never has been very easy to distract mother from what she is obsessing about and it may be harder now. I guess I would say that she must have gotten something positive out of them, but would be far more pleased about having her current complaint attended to. And of course those complaints are endless, so she is endlessly dissatisfied. Oh, well.
(2)
Report

Glad~Before my mother was diagnosed as mentally incapacitated, my sis was h*ll bent on pursuing a conservatorship. I was against it because of the expense and time involved; sis wanted to hit up our 2 brothers to help pay for it....that was a big NO from me. We went to 2 different elder law attorney's for free consultations and I am so glad we waited...because if my sis is overwhelmed now with the paperwork re: mom's finances, she would have so much more to deal with because of having to account to a judge every couple years. I agree that in your situation you should not back down...your TS's started this so make them eat the glue on the stamps, LOL!!!
(3)
Report

Glad and Joan~I like Glads idea because that is exactly what my mother does too. She really does enjoy looking at the cards over and over again. unfortunately, all the people who were keeping in touch my mom, stopped when she went into memory care.It gives me an idea though, I can send cards to my mom as well as visit...I think that will be a nice thing for her to get mail. Thanks Glad!!!
(4)
Report

Emjo, would your Mom like to hear from these people? What you may want to do, in a way to not make your Mom angry, is put together a letter to this people telling them that Mom is in the process of changing residence and leave it at that. Tell them that mom enjoys hearing from them and that you will take any letters or cards to her. I know my Mom would love that. She has a big basket of greeting cards that she has received over the years and enjoys pulling a few out at a time to read. And she will sit for an hour or more looking at the same few cards, each time they are new.
(4)
Report

Yup, Pam and Emjo, conservator has no clue! My attorney finds this whole thing with C unbelievable. She has worked with her before on other cases where she was good. Not this time, I wonder if the woman is developing dementia, something really bizarre is going on and hopefully at hearing will finally learn some things. And another thing about C is that she was appointed by the court in January and was to take control of all assets. Yet, she has not done that. In December she told me she would get me a prepaid debit card for Mom's expenses. Wonderful! I have been trying to get Twisted Sister #2 to do just that for two and a half years. But no, I still have Mom's credit card which I have to have her sign. She is legally incompetent and should not be signing anything! And TS# 2 still has control of Mom's checking account and all other assets at the bank. Interesting but I think the reason may be because she had Mom sign to have her added as coowner to her accounts two years ago. At the same time she took Mom to her investment broker to be added there as well. So, I imagine that if TS#2 is coowner, then it is not Mom's asset for conservator to control? Just guessing. If that is what she did I think they call that "undue influence". Mom could have been taken to the bank every day by a different daughter to sign over her accounts and she would have done it. Hope we do not need to get a forensic psychiatrist involved.

I am hoping that the judge takes the conservatorship away from this woman! I really do not think she has a clue. Thanks. Who the heck does she think she is trying to get me to sign an agreement that would give her the decision to place Mom?! I am sure that was sibs idea! They just want mom in a facility, that is obvious. Then their guilt can be relieved since they do nothing to help. You know when I first filed the petition with the court neither sis had seen mom for more than three months? Then all interest in Mom's welfare became evident and then did her daughterly duty of taking Mom to church on Sunday. But TS#1 is a different story, rarely see her at all, and she says she is the compassionate counselor. Maybe as long as her clients are not family.
(3)
Report

glad - Pam has good advice, Sounds like the conservator needs some tuning in

Sharyn - I am sorry about your recurring sciatic problems. Is there any permanent solution other than the band aid of pain control? I hope your daughter allows others to see the pics. Have you any plans for another trip. Skyping can help keep you up to date - but there is nothing like holding/cuddling them.

kaz - boy - the push/pull games. I am glad that you see them and are responding accordingly. Wonderful that you have some good friends to rely on and that you can help them as well. It is great to come home to a good meal. Prayers for your cat to turn up and stay with you. I know you miss him. When we first moved up here my oldest cat - about 12 - stayed in the car for several days and would not come out even though we tempted him with treats. We made sure he had food and water anyway. Eventually he did emerge. Like you, I suspect your mum will have another episode due to not taking her meds and/or not eating properly. You are doing the right thing by informing everyone. Your bro who thinks she is alright hasn't got a clue. He will find out. (((((hugs))) and look after you.

Pam - your expertise is very valuable here.

Need a little wisdom here. I got another card in the mail for mother from a cousin. I have not shared anything with extended family about her situation. I think I need to let them know, at the very least, that she is no longer at her old address, and that I will send them the new one once she moves. At first she did not want anyone to know about what was happening. She does have stamps and stationary, and has always been a great letter writer, but when I brought all her forwarded mail to her, in June, she just looked at it and gave it back to me. I doubt she is corresponding with any of them. My dilemma more is how much, if anything, to share about her medical condition. Perhaps just a general statement that she is in hospital having some meds adjusted, or is in transition, and will be moving to a new place where she will have more care. Part of my dilemma is that, initially, I did not share anything with my sister, and she may well find out from family that I have shared with them and cause a fuss. I did not share with sis, as mother did not want it. Of course, sis knows now and is in touch with the SW. I will be going south in a couple of weeks so G and I can get mother's winter coat and I plan on seeing mother then. I guess I can check with her then how she wants this handled. My feeling is that it is a good thing for extended family to have an idea that she is declining, She has kept up in touch with many of them over the years, and is the "matriarch" of the Canadian branch of the family. A few years ago, she offended the one local cousin so he has no information.

Just getting over a slight bug - sinuses etc. Feeing relieved that it isn't allergies due to the furnace kicking in.

Take care all.
(4)
Report

50schild yes shes a good person and a great friend! her mum died from alz so she knows how tough it is. she lives alone so i think shes glad of the company! also shes legally blind and has hearing difficulties so im doing alot for her here that she cant do. Also she works and gets home late so i have no problem cooking sometimes for her i am just grateful to have her and i have another good friend who i can go to other nights so we are not in each others space! Yes shes a true friend the real stuff there when youre down! She suggested last year i come and stay with her if things get too much HA! i said no it will never come to that??

The last time mum kicked me out 2yrs ago at xmas i went to a womans refuge but they were full!! So yes 50schild i am so very lucky to have her put me up BUT its not nice been forced out of your home and ive never depended on anyone in my life like this it makes you feel so bad and so desperate. But i bought her some flowers today just to say thanks and cooked a spanish tortilla and chocolate cake so she was thrilled! I think we all know how nice it is to come home to a nice meal!
Yes 50s true friends are for life but i am a good friend too and have been there for her also in the past i mean thats what friends do! yep when youre going through crap you find out who your real friends are?
(7)
Report

50sChild, a VA custodianship only trumps the financial end of things. Decisions for patient care would still fall under the county courts. Guardianship is actually in two segments, one for the person and one for the estate. As you can see, when the decision is split, conflict arises, and you end up back in court.
(3)
Report

Hi guys! hope youre all good! quick update..... i went up last night to get more stuff brother was there (like mums personal body guard!!) he stayed in the front room while i took my food etc mum had left a note " heres two wks rent and i bought enough cat food for a month so do not buy anymore" ok guys are we getting a sniff of GUILT here? this is what she does kicks me out (3 times in 5yrs) then the money and guilt starts? I left her a note "mum thankyou for buying the cat food there was no need also thanks for my rent but i dont want your money thankyou, I love you mum take care!"
Sure i need the money and it would have been alot of stress off me BUT i cant let her treat me like this then shove money at me because she feels guilty?
anyway my brother sent an email to siblings telling them HIS perspective of what happened that night and i was so angry how he twisted things around? he said in HIS opinion mum was ok to be on her own taking her meds,light housework,cooking and UNTIL he has a health professional say otherwise shes FINE alone?
disgraceful just disgraceful even if there is a slight doubt she has dementia how can he take a chance to leave her alone like that? BUT you know she will be acting up saying shes fine on her own?
as much as i want to get up there and see shes ok i cant i just cant go back to how things were there but its hard i hate my siblings because mum IS suffering and thats a disgrace.
I am seeing mums doc tom as i want him to see bruises and tell him whats really going on so he knows shes alone.

God help my brother and sister IF anything happens to her now. as much as what she did to me was wrong i cant shut off worrying about her. but i have to try?

My friend is great and said stay as long as you need to i think shes glad of a bit of company and is happy for the rent as times are hard here for everyone.

i havnt seen my cat since friday but i know hes been fed the only thing is when i went last night there was blood on his bed? my heart sank! i have tried calling him but guess hes around somewhere once i see him i grab him and take him here it will be hard for him to adjust but hes a clever cat!
If anyone has any advice on how you take a cat from one house to another i would be grateful! they say butter on the paws and keep him in a few nights?

Anyway im ok but its not easy i am so drained i nearly fainted today in town i have to force myself to eat but am still very shaky i do not want to take zanex as i know the doc may give me something i just need to eat and go for walks.

You can switch off physically but mentally its very hard i love my mum and of course im worried sick it should never have come to this once doc knows shes alone then he will have to get the carers in to help.

mums got dementia and brother is behaving crazier than her?

Hugs to all and again thanks for support!
(5)
Report

There might be an issue of federal [fiduciary] custodianship as with vets vs county guardianship or county custodianship. I may have been told wrong, but was told VA Custodianship will always trump County. But know nothing about court costs. Just told by VA to contact them first. Same by elder attorney. Wishing I knew.
(1)
Report

glad, the conservator is out of line. I am a Guardian in NY. It was the Judge who conveyed Guardianship and only the Judge can take those powers away. Any placement is approved by the Judge. You have a conservator who is attempting to bypass the judge and hijack the guardianship. I would let the judge take that person to the wood shed.
(3)
Report

Kazz, I am so honoring this friend who has stood by you and come with you to witness and extricate you from your Mom's h*ll hole situation. To have a friend like that means that you have qualities you don't know about you are so self-effacing. A few days ago I wanted to tell you to go to a Womans' Shelter or Womans' Support Group. With a friend like that, you don't need to take that time or energy. You aren't just lucky -- you earned that friendship. I would love to know how you built such a trusting friendship in spite of all the turmoils in your life. But not til you are through this terrible time. You are doing just fine and the best. Forget Right Stuff (which is super-real flash). You are the right stuff.
(2)
Report

Are you letting the siblings win or are you tired of the whole thing?
(0)
Report

Hi Itsnora, welcome to AC (Agingcare), can you please give us more information? Are you his next door neighbor? Renting a room to him? Or is he living in your household? How old is he and what strange or unusual behavior is he showing?
(1)
Report

OMG you asked the exact question except I am not family. I don't know what to do cuz this man is so sick and needs med care but refuses cuz he thinks his family is looking for away to get rid of him.
which is truely not the case. I am afraid of legal issues who do I call. itsnora
(0)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter