
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
certainly your work could cause joint problems. Someone mentioned a brace - would that help? Glad your shingles are clearing up and you did not have a bad attack.
Well one elder is getting sorted out and now it seems that my ex mil is having problems. She is in her early 80s and has had diabetes type 2 and atrial fib for years and years. Her other son had to break into her place a week ago and he found her passed out on the floor. She went to hospital and has no recollection of the incident. They said it was some new meds. I just talked to her and got her son first and he quickly told me that he had to call the ambulance today as she got really mad at him - then she came to the phone and I heard no more. She says she is fine and that she went to hospital because of a cracked rib she got earlier in the summer. I am not sure that she is fine - she does not sound quite like herself and I wonder if there is some dementia setting in. Her doctor has suggested that she move to a senior's place, but she keeps putting it off. Her other son does not work and is on disability due to depression and spends quite a lot of time with his mum though he has his own place. Right now it is good that she has him to look out for her. Not sure there is much I could do but keep in touch and encourage. A cousin of my ex contacted me and asked how she is, so I can keep them informed. Just hope I stay relatively well for quite a while!!! I don't want to saddle Gary with a decrepit old woman!
Kaz~If you have not removed all your belongings from your mom's house, the next time you go over, if you have the opportunity, I would use the cell phone to take pics of the unclean conditions your mom is living in now. Just in case you need it, if/when the sh!!t hits the fan.
Glad~For my mom, I am going to get blank cards with cute animal pics and outdoor scenery. She likes both and the visual will keep her interest with a short note inside.
Juju~Glad to see you posting here again. 10 years is a long time. I am glad the renovations are coming along, so much stress dealing with just the reno.
CLE~Welcome!!! I echo what everyone else has said. Maybe your brother can come visit you and mom for Christmas.
Joan~The only reason I think something may be going on with my knee that is not related to my back, is because I do have knee pain without back pain. It could be all from the sciatica. My dr did say I have bursitis in this knee....diagnosed without an xray after he manipulated my knee around in different positions. The pain seems to only be there when driving home from work after being on my feet all day. I only suggest a torn meniscus because of how common it is when you are pivoting back and forth with your knees, lifting 30-35lb boxes and just the normal wear and tear on the body from years of this type of work. The other day when I go to work, I lifted 3 boxes of whole body chickens onto a cart so I could prep them for the next day. Well, for an hour afterward, I had knee pain, I was even thinking that I may have to leave if it continues. I do have a high tolerance to pain so it is not like I am a big baby, LOL!!! There are times when I should stay home but I don't. Anyway, it will all work out and I will find out for sure what is going on.
For general info, the larger of the 2 shingle spots is still healing. Some days it is very itchy. It looks like 1 chicken pox spot now.
Take care everyone, we are slowing cooling into the 80's with the mornings and evening being very nice. I can't wait for Oct....we will settle into some nice temps then.
Mother will need a new mattress, and cannot have cloth furniture because of bed bug scare. She does have two leather occasional chairs and a wooden rocker so that should work. I will call Sears about a new mattress and see if I can buy one and if they can keep one on hand and deliver it when needed. Mother has a lady that has shopped for her and mother always complains how much she costs, but I think we will just have to live with that. The coordinator told me to tell mother not to worry about. I burst into laughter. I'm afraid he does not "get" her. She will worry, regardless of what I say.
It is rather sudden, but Gary thrives on this kind of thing, so I am sure he will look aftermost of it. We can do some sorting when we go to get her coat and sweater.
Of course, after she is moved, there is the need to dispose of what is left but can't worry about that now. I think we need to leave the rest of her stuff in storage for a few months till she settles in. No doubt she will change her mind about a few things.
I will send pics of her furniture etc. to the SW who can start going through them to see what she wants with her. Apparently she can't have too much due to fire regulations.
Once she is in I will have to set up a phone for her and cable service. I don't think she can manage a computer anymore. Not sure how to manage seeing that she has "pin" money, but maybe I will have to send her a few $20s in an envelope every now and again.
The TC tactfully suggested a mental health facility and I whole heartedly agreed. The staff there will have better skills in managing her problems and keeping her on the injected risperidone. They will allow her an open unit. She told them that she is not going anywhere. I will see to it that she does not have the money to go far.
Need to get her credit card and ATM card sorted out now.
Just thinking aloud here. Any ideas are welcome. It would be great to get her moved before the snow comes. One step at a time!!!
CLE - the nerve!!! Don't go along with it. Sibs so easily dump it in the lap of the one who takes some responsibilities. Vent away
kaz - I am glad you have seen all who need to be seen and can start to put all this behind you. Why does the doctor think your mum collapsed not so long ago? It was she was not caring for herself even though you were trying to. Just crazy!!! But they seem to have to wait till things get worse. Take care of you now and let us know how you are.
glad, the amount of money that is being spent because of your TWS's and also C is insane!!! I do hope the poor performance of C it gets dealt with at this next hearing. Removing the asbestos floors as well is a good idea. The hardwood underneath could be quite nice if refinished I don't blame you leaving the friend alone You have enough on your plate.
Sharyn - I thought that you had a back problem -don't know where I got that from. Hope you get some answers soon. Your mum seems to have settled down for now.
Margeaux - talk about dysfunctional. You have lots of experience.
cm - read about you having to put your mum's cat down. I know how hard that is and that you will miss her. ((((((((hugs))))))) Keep yourself sane no matter what you have to do. Life doesn't give us many breaks.
loo, sandwich, Alison, everyone Hi, and take care of you.
Things are moving here. I will start a new post.
Saying hi to all of you! Trying to participate a little more...I have been avoiding the computer world for quite a while now, very busy and frustrated that it is all I have. But I am realizing I really need this site...now FaceBook I can do without.... but not AgingCare! I did need some time to process everything I went thru and purged out when I first came here on top of that I was so stressed last year with mom's med staff, and their issues, then being put out of our home last July started a snowball I just now feel like ok maybe I can relax a little and participate more without being so sensitive or insensitive in some cases....and my reading/comprehension issue really bothers me. Anyway, still hanging in there and mom is plugging along, this week is the 10 year anniversary of me taking her home with me....wow where does the time go!
well I just wanted to say hi to everyone new and those who have supported me in the past! and hope to visit more often now that things are settling down.
Thanks for being here!!
Peace,
Juju
I'll pass on a tip - my ex-husband had a special technique for saying an absolute no to requests for money.
Child: Hi, Daddy, I was thinking of going to India for my gap year :)
Ex-husband: You have my blessing.
Your mother wishes to go to Texas? Your brother is happy to accommodate her for a fortnight? Wonderful! Give them your blessing ;) Call brother back and explain it makes no sense for you to make logistical arrangements on his behalf. And, in case he perhaps hasn't grasped this important point, that by the way he does realise mother hasn't got the air fare, doesn't he?
I am so drained now but ive recorded it all its now up to them shes thier responsibility.
Moving everything out this wkend as friend can help me once thats all done mum will crap herself then shell take her anger out on brother she has to know that im never coming back as this time shes gone too far! I just dont get it i mean WHO listens to us? shrinks,docs etc well we dont see it? OMG what has to happen before theyll at least really sit down and listen to the carers? I passed the house this morning at 11am curtains closed? so mum is supposed to take her insulin at 9am then eat. she was still in bed and on her own? porch shut so poor cat not out until she wakes up. Im taking him tomorrow then start to get my stuff out then i will begin to switch off from it all its a horrible situation but i know mum will be in hospital again soon! anyway at least today i got alot done told everyone whats really going on what more can i do! so frustrating when you cant really talk to anyone properly? i just give up!
hugs to all!
If Mom is mentally competent and healthy enough to travel alone there is no reason why she should not go to Texas to see your brother. However she can not expect others to pay for her. If you or your brother want to find the money that is your decision. Don't be guilted into doing something you simply don't have the money for. As it is you are currently subsidizing her by paying for things she can't afford. Are these bills for actual needs or things she feels entitled to such as cable TV or a cell phone. many elders have to learn to live within their incomes and that often means downsizing their accomodation, giving up a car and taking the bus, renting an apartment in a subsidised senior apartment complex.
i also totally agree with Glads answer we just need a few more facts. Blessings
Thanks for allowing me a safe space to vent:)
Prayers to all you fellow caregivers.
Went to my house on Monday to check progress. Nearly all the plaster, lathe, carpets have been taken out. Some popcorn ceilings containing asbestos has been removed. But now they are having trouble with the house testing in acceptable ranges for asbestos. I have a hunch it is probably the old linoleum that is cracked and disintegrating that was beneath the carpets and installed on wood floors. So, everything is kind of on hold until they figure out what is causing the spiked reading for asbestos. So, looking like all linoleum will now need abatement too. That is a good thing, might as well get it all out of there.
I have distanced myself from friend. Just more than I can deal with, I was too much the enabler for way too long. But caring for Mom and L, to say nothing about TS additional stress just did not have it in me to take care of that situation too. Just too, too much. I do have my limits on how much I can deal with. I will say this for him, he was very supportive of me and all I do for Mom and gets the TS nonsense too. I do have another friend here that I can talk to about all of this, and naturally all of you as well. :)
glad - really their behaviour is appalling and C is NOT doing her job. Can you follow this up with anyone? How is the house repair going, and how is your friend with the oxygen tank? Dare say he will be more careful now.
re mother - I don't know how much she wants to hear from them anymore. When I brought her the mail which had been sent to me from her old ALF - (obviously it was misplaced somewhere as some was months old but did contain birthday greetings and other things) I sat with her and opened the envelopes, gave her the cards, she read them and gave them back to me. She did not want to keep them, which is unusual for her, and to me speaks of the dementia progressing. She did not give the impression, not make any comment about having been pleased to get them, though I would think she must have been to some extent, but not much She is so obsessed with her "problems" that they occupy more and more of her attention. Her world is definitely smaller. I did get some interest out of her talking about Haiti where she did volunteer work for 15 years. It never has been very easy to distract mother from what she is obsessing about and it may be harder now. I guess I would say that she must have gotten something positive out of them, but would be far more pleased about having her current complaint attended to. And of course those complaints are endless, so she is endlessly dissatisfied. Oh, well.
I am hoping that the judge takes the conservatorship away from this woman! I really do not think she has a clue. Thanks. Who the heck does she think she is trying to get me to sign an agreement that would give her the decision to place Mom?! I am sure that was sibs idea! They just want mom in a facility, that is obvious. Then their guilt can be relieved since they do nothing to help. You know when I first filed the petition with the court neither sis had seen mom for more than three months? Then all interest in Mom's welfare became evident and then did her daughterly duty of taking Mom to church on Sunday. But TS#1 is a different story, rarely see her at all, and she says she is the compassionate counselor. Maybe as long as her clients are not family.
Sharyn - I am sorry about your recurring sciatic problems. Is there any permanent solution other than the band aid of pain control? I hope your daughter allows others to see the pics. Have you any plans for another trip. Skyping can help keep you up to date - but there is nothing like holding/cuddling them.
kaz - boy - the push/pull games. I am glad that you see them and are responding accordingly. Wonderful that you have some good friends to rely on and that you can help them as well. It is great to come home to a good meal. Prayers for your cat to turn up and stay with you. I know you miss him. When we first moved up here my oldest cat - about 12 - stayed in the car for several days and would not come out even though we tempted him with treats. We made sure he had food and water anyway. Eventually he did emerge. Like you, I suspect your mum will have another episode due to not taking her meds and/or not eating properly. You are doing the right thing by informing everyone. Your bro who thinks she is alright hasn't got a clue. He will find out. (((((hugs))) and look after you.
Pam - your expertise is very valuable here.
Need a little wisdom here. I got another card in the mail for mother from a cousin. I have not shared anything with extended family about her situation. I think I need to let them know, at the very least, that she is no longer at her old address, and that I will send them the new one once she moves. At first she did not want anyone to know about what was happening. She does have stamps and stationary, and has always been a great letter writer, but when I brought all her forwarded mail to her, in June, she just looked at it and gave it back to me. I doubt she is corresponding with any of them. My dilemma more is how much, if anything, to share about her medical condition. Perhaps just a general statement that she is in hospital having some meds adjusted, or is in transition, and will be moving to a new place where she will have more care. Part of my dilemma is that, initially, I did not share anything with my sister, and she may well find out from family that I have shared with them and cause a fuss. I did not share with sis, as mother did not want it. Of course, sis knows now and is in touch with the SW. I will be going south in a couple of weeks so G and I can get mother's winter coat and I plan on seeing mother then. I guess I can check with her then how she wants this handled. My feeling is that it is a good thing for extended family to have an idea that she is declining, She has kept up in touch with many of them over the years, and is the "matriarch" of the Canadian branch of the family. A few years ago, she offended the one local cousin so he has no information.
Just getting over a slight bug - sinuses etc. Feeing relieved that it isn't allergies due to the furnace kicking in.
Take care all.
The last time mum kicked me out 2yrs ago at xmas i went to a womans refuge but they were full!! So yes 50schild i am so very lucky to have her put me up BUT its not nice been forced out of your home and ive never depended on anyone in my life like this it makes you feel so bad and so desperate. But i bought her some flowers today just to say thanks and cooked a spanish tortilla and chocolate cake so she was thrilled! I think we all know how nice it is to come home to a nice meal!
Yes 50s true friends are for life but i am a good friend too and have been there for her also in the past i mean thats what friends do! yep when youre going through crap you find out who your real friends are?
Sure i need the money and it would have been alot of stress off me BUT i cant let her treat me like this then shove money at me because she feels guilty?
anyway my brother sent an email to siblings telling them HIS perspective of what happened that night and i was so angry how he twisted things around? he said in HIS opinion mum was ok to be on her own taking her meds,light housework,cooking and UNTIL he has a health professional say otherwise shes FINE alone?
disgraceful just disgraceful even if there is a slight doubt she has dementia how can he take a chance to leave her alone like that? BUT you know she will be acting up saying shes fine on her own?
as much as i want to get up there and see shes ok i cant i just cant go back to how things were there but its hard i hate my siblings because mum IS suffering and thats a disgrace.
I am seeing mums doc tom as i want him to see bruises and tell him whats really going on so he knows shes alone.
God help my brother and sister IF anything happens to her now. as much as what she did to me was wrong i cant shut off worrying about her. but i have to try?
My friend is great and said stay as long as you need to i think shes glad of a bit of company and is happy for the rent as times are hard here for everyone.
i havnt seen my cat since friday but i know hes been fed the only thing is when i went last night there was blood on his bed? my heart sank! i have tried calling him but guess hes around somewhere once i see him i grab him and take him here it will be hard for him to adjust but hes a clever cat!
If anyone has any advice on how you take a cat from one house to another i would be grateful! they say butter on the paws and keep him in a few nights?
Anyway im ok but its not easy i am so drained i nearly fainted today in town i have to force myself to eat but am still very shaky i do not want to take zanex as i know the doc may give me something i just need to eat and go for walks.
You can switch off physically but mentally its very hard i love my mum and of course im worried sick it should never have come to this once doc knows shes alone then he will have to get the carers in to help.
mums got dementia and brother is behaving crazier than her?
Hugs to all and again thanks for support!
which is truely not the case. I am afraid of legal issues who do I call. itsnora