The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

My brother's wife had a gallbladder procedure done over a week ago.
I found out through my sister that she had to be place in ICU, for over a week because she had a major infection which affected BP, and her heart.
I haven't seen my brother nor my SIL, in quite sometime. They live so far away.
Add to this........I've written in the past how my sister and SIL are always involved in these silent wars between one another. They are both very passive aggressive in terms of their behaviors towards one another, it's been like this during a 25 yr. marriage my brother and SIL have had. They are both of course at fault, both controllers, even narcissists. I've always kept a real distance from my SIL.

Anyway......in the picture though as to current events.....so all week long I've been receiving emails from my sister about the fact she's talked to our brother about his wife's status.I do love my brother and even though my SIL, hasn't been very gracious, nor sharing at times., given her health I do wish her well, and have kept her in my thoughts.

Oh boy!!! But my sister......I can't believe the venom she continues to spew about my SIL, on emails. Evan last week, when we talked on the phone about my brother,my sister kept saying things such as, "Well I feel badly for our brother, but SIL, is shitty." Blah, blah, blah!

There's even some suspicion on my sister's behalf that SIL, had either a gastric bypass, or a Lapband procedure done. She recently as a year ago, was quite over weight. My sister says, that she's had some dramatic weight loss, more than 75 lbs. Of course, since my sister doesn't like her......my sister makes remarks all to the tune of, she had this surgery done, this the reason she lost the weight, not that SIL, did it by changing her eating habits, or exercise. Now, this was all speculation up until last week. My sister even told one day, "?Oh, I think I'm going to ask our brother whether SIL, had this surgery."
I thought, "WOW, you're going to ask him that?" I did mention to her, that I don't know I would ask something like that, as my brother is very private.
Well do you all know that the next time she called me......she'd already asked him. Yikes!!! I know my brother told her his wife had some procedure done,
but he probably is very stressed right now, and wasn't worrying about the privacy of it all. IDK!

But here's the worst part. O.K., as I've said, my SIL hasn't been the best for many reasons. I've always managed to keep my distance from her,
In any case, I do wish her well. Why? She's married to my brother, and is the mother of his two daughters. But not my sister.....she keeps saying in emails, I feel sorry for our brother, but not for her. How venomous she is! She can be really evil!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Jen813,

We once had a niece who caused nothing but problems for our family.
She's my youngest brother's daughter by a careless pregnancy.
Since of course my brother didn't stay w/her mother (both too young),
he did support her financially. But when it came to the visiting arrangement my brother was to have w/his kid, mother (the controller back in the day), pretty much took over any and all responsibilities concerning the care of her grand daughter.
The only thing is.......she spoiiled her rotten. The girl eventually got into all kinds of trouble with the law, and drugs. But you see here mom, was enabling my brother,
the youngest of four siblings. Mom always did allow him to get away with many things, say my sister and I would have had to answer and pay for if it were the other way around.

When my niece was super involved in drugs, also......mom was still enabling her,
by making excuses for her, and basically always feeling sorry, for that situation,
of my brother's daughter having to live between households because my brother didn't stay with the girl's mother. We the family had to call the cops one time to my parent's household, because she'd been apparently running drugs for some gangbangers. We just didn't want this kind of trouble no less at my parent's home.
There will always be situation of theft, when there are drugs around, too.
She stole money from many family members, til we made it clear she could no longer be at mom's. My dad was the one who finally put his foot down.

So after I read your first post, I'm aware that you went to live with your mom.
You are carrying the major responsibilities that one hears most caregivers take on for a parent. I'm just wondering.......I would hope as I do for anyone in your circumstance, that the legalities of your participation are in place, things such as POA, MPOA. Maybe you can start from there. Now I know how delicate it can become when a sibling or other relative has to address another, such as your brother, who is taking advantage of your mom. Even though......mom has always done this, the enabling, is there possibly and mental health agency you could connect with to see what could be done about this? Again, I do feel for you,
because when my niece was at the height of her delinquency.......it wasn't an easy decision w/in the family to just pick up that phone and call the police on her.
I'm not saying that you should do that either, so just want to be clear about this,
but there must be a way for you to circumvent future problems around this issue.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn I hate to mention the obvious but does your car have cruise control and do you use it? Is the diver's seat really comfortable? i foam cushion might help, also make sure the back of the seat is supporting your back, if not add foam there too. Another thing that may help is to use one of those heated seat pads if your car does not have heated seats. I will even use the heat it in the summer heat if my back is playing up. Also stop and walk around for a few minutes every couple of hours.

Book, I hope you are right! It would serve them right!

Glad, you might have a case on getting the Terrible Twos to reimburse for court costs. Because based on the reports from APS and your mom's guardian/social worker, it would prove that there was no reason for going to court. Hopefully!

I have mentioned the request to have TS's to repay attorney fees and costs. Her reply to me was that sibs were just trying to protect Mom from me?! Mom needs protection from them!

Glad, but it doesn't hurt to request that the accusers pay for the court fees. Who knows, you might get a decent honorable judge.

Book, Sharyn, Emjo, others no I will not back down. What have I to lose at this point? Not much. Yes I have been paying my own attorney fees, while TS's continue to spend Mom's money to pay theirs.

It is still incomprehensible that TS's could actually continue believing their confabulations even after being told by APS that nothing was going on with the money. Conservator was here a couple of weeks ago to talk with L, and her line of questioning was the same as those asked by APS two years ago.

Sharyn, would it help if you got one of those circulation stockings? The ones used by diabetics or those with poor circulations on their legs? If not, how about using those knee pads/brace that would flex when you move your legs? This way, it 'massages' your knee as you do those long drive.

Kazz, big hugs to you. Hope you get your stuff out of the house without incident, and then get a bit of peace and quiet. What gives with preparations for your court case? Just… be careful what you wish for, eh? Hugs again x

My personal issue is physical. While driving to Idaho last month, my right knee was causing me pain the whole time. Pain the entire time in Idaho, I bought a reusable ice pack while there. Used it on my right lower back for sciatica and directly on my knee with only some relief. I had the same issue driving home and now being back to work...when I get in my car to come home at the end of my shift, pain in my knee the entire drive home. Just waiting for some to pass since getting transferred before getting it all checked out.

From what I read here, after the court decided that the caregiver was innocent of all charges of abuse/stealing of money, the court never required that the cost be reimbursed by the losing party. It seems that the only one who ended up paying for the court costs were the caregivers. The court/legal system seems to think that the accusers are protecting the elderly, therefore, the cost is deducted from the elderly's bank account and not from the accusers. Most times, it's the caregivers who lose because they don't have the funds to have a prolonged legal battle.

Glad, that's great that there's a stipulation on the trust. And that you didn't sign 'sole discretion' to the conservator. I've read here how that usually turns out bad because the conservator ends up putting the parent in a NH far from the caregiver, or a terrible NH just because it's cheaper, etc.... Once a conservator has control, no one in the legal system wants to take them to court for their actions. Yes, I agree with Emjo, Stand Firm!

My situation with my sis is/was not about denial. It is/was because 1)my sis and mom to carbon copies 2) they clashed...sis does not believe she got the attention she deserved growing up and made into a slave for our mother...which she was a slave for her. 3) I was the baby of the family who took after our father.

All the focus from my mother was on our eldest brother and my sister. Both take after my mother and her family. My sis felt she was a slave and did not get individual attention and nurturing from our mother....I didn't either...I was ignored until my sis and eldest bro had left home. So my sis's agenda is to go overboard on all levels to please our mother so she can get the kudos she feels she deserves. This is exactly what our mother did to try to win over our eldest bro and my sis....little good it did. Their personalities are too similar and they clashed with each other.

Joan~my daughter blocked the pic so only family and the friends of hers/sil can see it. I respect her decision but at the same time...they are willing to let the photographer have rights with the photos she took for ads, LOL!!! I am going to talk with her about that.

Glad~I hope you do talk with the judge about repaying the fees...it is only right that they do.

I actually think that TS's and conservator hoped that it would be found that I have been exploring Mom and L for all of this three years. It sure would have made things easy for them and they all still think that I have been taking money. Unbelievable! And that would have been one of those dumb burglar stories had I done ANYTHING after I was investigated by APS two years ago. And that investigator was so kind and actually told me that the request for investigation was nothing but a spiteful action. That statement verified that it was my darling sibs that reported me. AND the judge will be the only one that ever gets to see his report. That will absolutely blow sibs out of the water!

I also hope the judge requires sibs to repay all of the attorney fees they have spent and mine as well! And there are instructions in the trust of what is to happen if there is a legal battle; losers are out of the trust! And they deserve it! When Mom is gone I have no desire to ever have anything to do with them!

Like you, Emjo and somebody else?

Glad - I am so happy for you that the guardian is a good person. It makes all the difference in the world then you can work as a team for the best for your mum. Tell the conservator to blow it you know now where. Ridiculous!! Stand firm!!! Good for you.

Emjo, I have for to say a word about Mom's guardian/ social worker. She is absolutely wonderful, sees through TS's crap! I do not know what I ever did without her! And now the team that she has helped me to build that are only interested in Mom's welfare. The conservator is another story again and wanted me to sign a care agreement that would give her "sole discretion" over placement decisions based on finances. What a bunch of hooey! And basis is a financial plan that showed Mom spending three times what she spends in a year! That was supposed to be revised, distributed for review, then resubmitted to the court. Of course that did not happen and filed objection, hearing next month. And about moving Mom to a facility if it costs more to stay at home. How much more? Five dollars? A thousand dollars? Just a bunch of it! Take placement decision completely out of guardian's control?! Noperino!

kaz - I think the chickens will come home to roost pretty quickly., and the visiting nurse and other professionals find out what is happening now. I understand the frustration at doctors or psychiatrists saying your mum is OK when you have seen crazy behaviour. I began to wonder what it would take for them to deem mother incompetent. She still is called competent because she does pretty well on tests, though she cannot handle any of her finances, thinks there is smoke coming out of the air vents to make her demented, and has other delusions. What you saw when you went to get your things is just the beginning. Keep out of it, let our bro and sis and the professionals find out. Take this time to regroup and regain some of what you have lost in the past 5 years. You have your court case in October to concentrate on. Prayers for that to go well. My sis backed up my mother against me too and her agenda has always been money. Sis tells mother absolutely everything that I tell her, so I have learned to tell sis nothing specific.

As glad and Sharyn, margeaux and others have seen - there is denial.

book - you and me too - a fly on the wall

pam - your points about the control and divide and conquer are good ones. My mother sets us up and then says all she wants is for her daughters to get along
puh - lease!!!

hepi22 - you are not the only one who will cut contact with sibs when their other dies. My mother is very controlling too, but I do what has to be done for her. I have pretty well cut off my sis already and once mother is gone, it will be "no contact" with sis.

hi to alison, cm, sandwich, loo everyone else. Alison - try to picture what you want your life to be in 5 years. Cm - deep breaths . I have decided I need to learn to deal with frustrations better. G is a lovely man, but I can get very frustrated with him sometimes. I need to handle that better. I ended up not going on the trip.. Several issues and G's boss booked a meeting just with him for the day G took as a holiday, which cut our vacay time really short. They disapprove of family coming, so we decided that either I won't go to those large meetings, or will come at the end of them once G knows what time he has off. G's job is being rewritten with more responsibility, so he needs to keep his nose squeaky clean. We and/or I will go another time to see the coloring. He may get in a day of sightseeing before he has to fly back.

Fall colouring here now - green and gold and blue skies. Yesterday and today hit the 80's but that won't last long. All is well for now down south as far as I know. The SW has stressed to my sis that mother has vascular dementia and that I am doing all that can be done for her. Good to have the back up.

Sharyn, I couldn't find the pic :(.

Take care all, and do something good for you

It is interesting how in families there is always the component of denial especially when it comes to a mental disease. It could come from the siblings, or the parent's themselves. Add to that is there is no harmony in the family to begin with.....this just will undoubtedly be accentuated when people need to pull together.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Kaz beware of bro and sis suddenly starting to be nice to you again in just a few weeks. They will be trying to lure you back - keep going girl. Hugs

Kazza~ My dad was very docile when he had Alz. The hard part was seeing him decline from a very active man who spent so much time on his rose gardens and the yard in general to a man who became more and more frail as time went by. He was such a character too, I miss hearing him call us or the grandkids hooligans. My daughter tells a story about my parents taking her and my son for a day trip. My kids were fighting on the way home (in the car). My dad yells, "If you 2 don't knock it off right now, I am going to pull this car over and tie you to a light pole!" LOL!! Yeah, I miss my dad.

sharynmarie i had no idea you had both parents with this illness i tried to send you a hug and read your profile. gosh how tough to go through this twice with both parents just dosnt see fair? you must be made of concrete!!! i am a very strong person but even my mum has reduced me to nothing at times!

hope those babies are behaving!! and hope they are not being too spoilt by grandparents!!

Sharyn, you made some excellent points. Eventually the siblings will see and understand what is happening to Kazz's mum. The same sort of thing happened and is still occurring here. My siblings did not believe the extent of Mom's Alzheimer's, and L just thought that Mom was trying to be cute or funny. Those with the disease are experts at covering up the problems early on. It is only with increased participation and caring that sibs will understand. To this day, my sibs still have trouble coming to grips with what is happening to Mom. The only thing that really surprised me is that I was never served with an eviction notice to leave my Mom's home. But then sissies would lose the free care that I was providing and that would effect their inheritance, now wouldn't it? And they are not the smartest knives in the drawer; they have actually said this to others!

When I arrived here to care for Mom three years ago not only were sisters in denial, but L was as well. And TS's never went to doc with Mom nor did they visit regularly. Doc did not even make the diagnosis until I insisted on a CT and MRI to try to see what may be causing Mom's forgetfulness. Imagine my surprise when, just a few months ago, that the doc told me Mom had been diagnosed with dementia five or six years previous. And neither Mom nor L had said anything about it to her daughters.

This sort of denial is common with dementia. Docs do not want to cause stress to their patients so are very hesitant with a dementia diagnosis, so many other things can cause forgetfulness. And with Alzheimer's there is not a test for it. Only upon death, if there is an autopsy of the brain will they actually know for sure.

Kazza~Before my mother started showing symptoms of Alz and even after, I am the one my mother called for help. She called me because we live in the same city and I am like a 5 minute drive from her house. My mother was diagnosed by her PCP with dementia in Dec of 2009. Somewhere around 2007-08 my mother had her trust/will updated and issued a copy of her DPOA to me and my sis. Prior to this, my sis took no interest in our mother's health or well being. With the DPOA now issued to us and sis being named as primary....(the DPOA was a springing type so not effective until mom was diagnosed incapacitated), sis suddenly pulled rank on me and booted me out of the way insisting that SHE would see to our mother's health issues from here on out. Sis lives 45 minutes drive from here...Haha....as a short time of about 3-4 months, sis was done being the special daughter she thought she was and could not handle running down here for every appt our mom made and every run to the ER. Plus she was losing time off work which I wasn't because my work schedule is not traditional. The point is that sis took things so seriously with her being named as primary, she and mom never got along well...sis saw this as an opportunity to get on mom's good side. It did not work out because sis got too a head about her appointment as primary that she started to boss mom around (before Alz).
While sis is still primary, I take care of the majority of the medical except when sis gets a wild hair...you know where, LOL!!!...I just back off and let her have at it because I know it is temporary.

Pam said something that so applies to my mother's mentality re: divide and conquer. That was my mother...she would do everything possible to divide us sibs up against each other telling lies about the other exaggerating everything out of context.

Eventually your brother will see that your mother has issues beyond his control, whether he ever admits it is dementia, is another story. He may very well still find a way to put the blame on you. I strongly suggest that you get your belongings and your cat and just move on. As long as your bad bro and sis are allies, you will always be their target. Very hurtful for you and even if one or both of them suddenly come to support you....how trustworthy would it really be?? I think they will turn on you again and again because they really want your mother in their pocket for their gain.

Yes get some counseling so you can get on the road to healing from this...we will always support you, we understand what you have done for your mother.

Like I said.... Karma affects ALL our actions. What goes around comes around, just as you treat others, so it shall be done to you. Etc.....

Your brother will be a good thing, hopefully he can keep her in another room while you get your things. I really think having the cops there would be another level of protection. Get in and get out quickly. Don't look around, don't comment, just grab your stuff and go .

yes pam my friend is coming in with me hate to drag people into my crap but she totally understands! i could get cops but ive no key and brother said give him an hours notice before i turn up????? what an a**hole?

You are absolutely right Kaazza, she keeps the spotlight away from herself. She keeps the feud on a high boil. The carrot on a stick is another classic where she sucks them in with big promises, but then Medicaid ends up with all of it when she needs a Nursing home. So you stay away, that keeps you in the background and the spotlight will shift to her. Don't even go for your things, send someone else, someone you trust. Keep her front and center.

oh yes stiegman youre right also as long as shes lying about me then im the nutcase and stupid siblings wont notice her illness! my brother who supports me is very angry and so frustrated hes afraid to say anything now to either brother and sister as he knows now everything is repeated back to mum so he is tongue tied but disgusted by thier attack on me and knows how well cared for mum is and how shes manipulating the weaker siblings. Ive just seen another email and sis said that i have mums credit card? mum gives me her card to buy food as she pays for food but i give it straight back even though she will lose it again? also mum said i was opening her personal mail? i have to open her mail as its apts for hospitals and tests she will tear them up and then i dont know whats happening? i resolved this so they now send me a copy letter with my name on it. Mum cannot control her money OR mail which is very little mostly appointments i pay bills so not at all like my sister is trying to imply? when mum had her siezure she told family she wouldnt know what shed do if i wasnt there???? now im abusing her and robbing her money??

Mum may have dementia but this controlling is getting out of hand she thinks her house and our inheritance is her carrot and if you dont agree with her she will take you out of the will?? I honestly think these siblings are afraid to upset her in case they get taken out of will too? funny how all of a sudden siblings are CONCERNED for mum when ive been jumping up and down for years and they never gave a sh*t????? why NOW? because they want to show how much they care now?? as shes nearing the end of her life? its just disgusting!

sent my sister an email to pack in her job NOW and come home and look after mum 24/7 if she really cares about her?? how can any of us let brothers wife near mum when shes stolen from her in the past and is waiting for mum to die so she can get half my brothers inheritence? if sister really gave a shit she would not want this thai woman near her mother? im becoming paranoid now as to what my bro and sis are up to together? but all i can do is inform every doc and social services. I dont even know whats happening in the house she could even be in there already and all my valuables still there? i will move everything i own out by this week and show mum i mean business once my cat is gone thats when mum will realise im gone for good.
So far this YEAR mum has alienated her sister,her two brothers,her ex partner who used to come in every week as she told him to fck off last wkend? ME so WHO is next?

My friends think that when im out of the picture mum will start to abuse my brother i do hope so? but i dont know? i just want him to see her madness and manipulation she cant act forever.

Try and tell her to do this and that and she will lose it with him fingers crossed!

I am sick i cant eat im so angry thankgod im seeing my own doc on tuesday and can hopefully get some emergency counselling sorted i need to scream and feel gagged!

One minute im great for saving mums life two years ago NOW im unstable and mum is better off on her own??

I dont know how i will face siblings now when mum really declines right now i just need to shut down! be nice if you could take a pill and wake up when its all over?

i will be happier now when i get cat out and all my things mum needs to know that i mean business now then brother will see her true colours.

So hurtful and hard to believe that everything ive said to siblings about mum has been taken and thrown in my face and used against me?

I cant sleep and wake up sweating with rage i think the anger is starting to hit me i mean how dare they treat me like this. the nurse said stay away and let your mother see just how much she misses you? she said not to worry she will call once a week and she is seeing the dementia in her let them take over now and see how much work she is.

I want to go on TV and really have this illness talked about its too under the carpet for my liking i mean its not enough to see your mum decline but have siblings try and push you into a breakdown!

Sister wants proof in writing that mum has dementia? how do you respond to this? the geriatrician said her brain was deteriorating does she think im lying? i will get hold of him and ask him what i can do to get this in writing?

Sis has been ringing all docs and they refuse to talk to her as im next of kin and the main caregiver! but i need someone professional to have a talk with at least my brother.
It can only get better alot of sh*t ahead but finally resolved! An apology by siblings after is too little to late im divorcing them as of now. It should never have got to violence its disgusting and mum loving every minute of it?

hepi22 and kazzaa, is it possible you are victims of "divide and conquer" efforts by the mother person? A controlling nature is the first warning. Then she uses the "he said she said" exaggerations to get you all to fight with each other. When she does this, she stays in control and in her house, because she has outsmarted all of you. Something to think about.

Our mother with dementia is really breaking up the family. Our family has been very dysfunctional all our lives, but we all made ourselves think that there was nothing wrong with us. We figured we were very family oriented and swept everything else under the carpet (so to speak). With our mother's dementia, I am realizing that once she is gone, I have to break away from the people that make my life a living h*ll. (3 of them). Those include members of my close family, but I am tired of being abused and I take it because of my mother. Once she is gone, I really don't need any of the three. I just hope I can break away and live my life once again. She was very controlling, but she is my mother...