The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I sure would love to be that fly on the wall when the siblings realize the reality!!!

Karma... One should always remember it in all our dealings.

Never say walking away. It leaves a negative impact on these people and opens you up to elderly abandonment/neglect. Actions are important but 1negativity can cancel the years of positives.

Kaz, I hope you have good luck getting to work and getting back on your feet. This sounds like a total mess. I am glad you are away from it. Time to take care of yourself now.

Kazz, great to hear from you! You have been through so much. And stop referring to what happened as "walking away", you were TOLD to leave. Bro and sis will find out in due time, and it sounds as if it is already starting with the house in a mess. It won't take long.

Make sure you call Social Services tomorrow! Let them know that you were told to leave and the reasons. Then you can wash your hands of it, you have notified them, and also let them know you have no intention of going back to care for you Mum. Then they will not be able to come back on you! In fact, if you have a way to e-mail SS, then do that instead. You need to watch your back and document, document, document. Be very careful.

OMG things just get worse. sis sent email to brother saying he must of had a good reason to assault me? and that shes there for HIM as he cant do this alone? I am just in shock when did i ever get help or support??

Sorry for rude words but im so done with this!

Gosh what would i do if other brother turned against me id be lost! thankgod for him and his support.

I can see now that siblings will talk to docs and destroy me BUT docs know that ive been the one here and they do take a dim view on siblings they dont even know.

I am seeing mums doc this week to show him my bruises just get it all on record!

Hard to believe this is happening but something had to give to get them to wake up.

I dont know if i can even face mum again right now i hate her for all the lies shes telling them. gosh we really have no protection with this.

I want everyone on here to pray that mum snaps with brother and abuses him? i have faith its only a matter of time things will become clearer and they will see how bad she really is.

Mums doc said when she was in NH in dec he didnt see any behaviour signs but would keep an eye on her??
why cant docs listen to us what the fck do they know?

I am hoping mums shrink gets back to me this week and can talk to my brother?

cops couldnt understand why as adults we couldnt just talk to each other about mum????????

Hi guys! hope youre all good! Sister in paris sent email to us all saying she wants me out of mums home? as SHE spent a very relaxing 4 days with mum? mum was calm relaxed and HAPPY?? she said i was stressing mum out?? and SHE dosnt want me there?? she worried about mum? yes this is the one who spends as little time as possible with her?? fckin cheek five years ive been here getting mum diagnosed etc.... mum was spoilt I did everything we get on great UNTIL i want a break then all hell breaks lose?
anyway i am DONE. Have walked away from this i love mum but shes gone too far now as long as brother and sister believe her lies then im wasting my time.

I went to see an angel reader yesterday PHEW i feel so much better! first card that jumped out was to walk away from a situation! the situation will resolve when im gone. she said you will go back but only to resolve things with your mum! she said they WILL see what your mums like and they will be so sorry. She said i would leave Ireland in the next six months with peace! also could see a lumpsome of money coming soon! she said you have a good heart and your mum wants YOU to look after her but you have to walk away until the professionals get involved. She told me not to worry that things will work out and you will leave a happier person. She said mum will get so bad she wont know whats going on anymore and she wont suffer but your siblings will!
She said i see you starting your own business and being a success.
also she said get some counselling now as you will need it.

I felt alot more calm after seeing her gosh she was spot on about everything!

I havnt seen mum now since and as im a few doors down i can see that mum is on her own even more than when i was there? brother is staying the night BUT he goes off everyday i dont care if something happens and hes not there myself and bro will have him for negligence!

I really am done now sisters email was so hurtful and everything is my fault that mum is not crazy and that i am unstable? says mum would be better on her own?

Yep let them see now i went to the beach today as we are having an "indian summer". I felt relaxed and am now going to focus on ME my health and getting fit! My fab friend said cat could stay with us which is a huge relief so things are getting better ALSO not caring for mum has taken a huge stress off me.

Im good i feel like ive done my best and i wait! its four days now im sure brother is starting to feel the stress i went to get a few things on friday and house was a mess? dishes in sink house not hoovered? mum depends in bathroom floor? brother fired the cleaning lady so the house will be completely filthy as brother dosnt care?

tomorrow i have to contact social services as if this SIL is goes anywhere near mum they need to know that shes a robbing theiving cow and would like nothing better than for mum to die shes from thailand?? and a complete goldigger i spoke to a nurse about my concerns and she said "if mum lets this woman into her home you can do NOTHING?" i will let SS know my fears and have told family that under NO circumstances was this woman to be around mum! if they agree to let her stay then they dont give a shit about mum.

YOu see whats going on in my sisters head (me me me me ) IF sil and brother move in sister can come home and still go out with friends and party? IF im here i run out the door and sister has to look after mum 24/7 so YES shes thinking of HER and not mum. I tell you they all have an agenda and sis and brother probably want nothing more than me out of the will? nothing is for mums care?

I know and you all know whats happening here. So yes i think this is it for me i walk away and wait until im called in for a meeting as mum will decline more now.
Its a disgrace that family cant look after mum together and make her last few months years? happy and pleasant? my bro and sis are tearing this family apart but i have a gut feeling that they will be so sorry when mum gets worse.

Mum cant keep up her act forever and bro has little patience so i stay away and block it all out until the alarm bells go off!

All this drama and stress because my brother told mum I AM telling everyone shes got dementia?

IF siblings want to discuss anything with me it will be with a shrink in the room and nothing else! brother has been warned he ever lays a hand on me again I can STILL have him arrested and I WILL!

Such a mess WHY because siblings are ignorant gosh all you have to do is google dementia but its not up to me to educate them.

Im ok just angry and betrayed. I have been here for mum through it all and im going back almost 20yrs i flew home from abroad as she had a heart attack left my job until she was ok again? Just feel KICKED in the guts by mum and siblings. My friends mum had alz and she said NEVER was her mum a manipulator!

The most terrifing thing i saw in mum was i wanted to call my brother in UK and mum grabbed the phone off me when i grabbed it back she stood there and screamed so my brother came running in she told brother she was afraid of me? the most scaryist thing ive seen so even if was to go back im afraid to. Next thing ill be done for abuse?

Mums head is been filled full of crap by siblings now that i dont care about her etc....... so professionals will have to get involved now BUT from what im getting so far they can do NOTHING except wait until mum gets worse? I find this a disgrace.

I will see what social services say tomorrow but at least let them know whats happening? surely someone has to intervene?

Hugs to all and grateful for all the support! I guess im just so scared of siblings stopping me from seeing mum later on but hopefully it wont come to that?

Juddha, that's why I only buy American when it comes to blenders, and nuts to EU tariffs. Try that stunt in a Moulinex (teaspoons were my darling girls' speciality) and you'll have a dead motor in no time. I heart my KitchenAid xxx

This one takes the cake: Mom tries to use the brand new clothes washer and dryer set up in her new senior apartment complex. It looks like the kind in the laundry mat; dryer on top, washer on the bottom. I guess Mom had no experience with that set up and got them confused! She put water and detergent in the dryer and turned on the washer expecting it to dry her clothes! What a way to get to know the management!! Mom said it was quite a mess! But I was surprised she was laughing.

I then shared my dumb thing this week. Making a smoothie in the blender, I couldn't figure out why the frozen berries were making such a racket until I realized I accidentally dumped a metal thing in there while pouring out yesterday's leftovers which contained a metal spring in my special container. OOps. Luckily the stainless steel didn't get ruined and the blender was fine.

Small dumb things to lighten up today.

My heart goes out to you all dealing with very tough situations.

Kazz, sorry you are going through all if this. I guess the saying " No good deed goes unpunished" is true. You have done a wonderful jib taking care of your mum. Let the others have her, they'll be running back to you as soon as they figure out the truth. Your mum won't be able to hide it fir long. Take care of yourself now. Pamper yourself and relax. You've dine your part.

Kaazaa, I understand not having the money to get away for a bit. Do you have a car? I've often thought about taking a drive for a week or so, take enough things in the car to simply sleep in the car (in a safe spot, of course)... but the idea is to just get out in nature, get away from all the chaos, and allow myself some quiet time to reflect on where I'm at and what I want. In my case, I did buy a full sive SUV (seats 8!) for hauling things to and from my grandmother's house and the back seats fold down into a nice large flat surface for a bed. Anyway, my dream of taking a back-roads nature/scenic drive for a few weeks is based on wanting to get some peace so I can think clearly. Would something like that be anything of interest or potential benefit?

I'm laughing :-) and thinking - probably not! I'm probably the only person who thinks "camping in their car" would actually be really enjoyable for a week or two as a form of respite! Well... I'm thinking about you and your situation, Kaazaa, and hoping you find the next step in a positive direction soon.

Jen813, until mom wants things to change, and wants to stop supporting bro's habit, everything will remain the same... I wonder if you could find a supportive, non-judgmental, non-encroaching social worker for elderly, like I did, and just run the scenario by them and see what input they give you. If I were you, I would want to find out if they see your brother's situation as possible financial abuse or not. I'm not trying to get your brother in any "real" trouble, just wondering if you could find an option through Dept of Aging/APS that, if things get worse with mom's money or health situation, you would have someone in the system who could advise you on course of action... and you know your situation much better, perhaps "real trouble" might shake up bro enough to at least get him to stop taking mom's money for drugs and seek to get his own disability pay reinstated...? I think I need to learn much more about your situation before I offer advice. :-/ But I've found my local elder social workers to be very helpful without going gangbusters about intruding unless they are asked to do so. Bottom line - you mom is ok, not in danger, and she is allowing the situation while fully competent so, to me, there isn't grounds for APS to step in, but you could get their input about how they view what is going in. You don't even have to give them your mom or brother's real name. At least, that was my experience.

LadyBelle... wow. I can really sympathize with dad making a mess and demanding laxatives. My father has done, that, too, but thankfully it's not a common occurrence. He often feels he is constipated and I wonder if having slower bowels isn't a symptom of getting older for some since it's so commonly talked about here on AC. And in my dad's case, it could definitely just be chalked up to poor diet, too. What a scene with mom throwing up and dad cursing at you. There was someone there to assist, so if you have to walk away then you have to walk away. Deep breathing exercises, for me, help greatly in those intense moments. You can research online about how to do them and they work like magic to calm within just a minute or two. If you still want to walk out, do it. But you could soothe the feeling of being overwhelmed with the breathing exercises. I'm personally very thankful I found out about them and they work well for me.

Cm, I was going to ask about the impact of Scotland's vote for independence... but I just saw a Hug from Veronica on your page and it kind of summed it up. :-) I've been following the happenings there. Following politics are the only "adult conversations" I seem to have (all online), that and here on AC. My neighbor ladies are more interested in tv series dramas they watch each day/night/week. I have fun watching when I'm with them but tv really isn't for me. I think real life is plenty interesting enough, haha. I hope you and yours are doing well, Cm.

Margeaux, you touched on something around your mom's broken molar that I have come to be aware of. Not all doctor's see their patients as a way to milk as much money as they can, of course not. But I do find it strange how many unnecessary appointments (imo) were made for my father through the new clinic/PCP. I'm stuck between the VA, which seems to go round and round and not really do a thorough job of overseeing his health now that he is aging and has new issues - OR - the new PCP that wants him to be in the office every week for non stop scans, tests, scopes, and exams. I think I sent a clear message to the new PCP by canceling all non-essential appts. I have to gather the guts to be ready to say why I did it when I take him back in so that I can try to determine WHAT was the point of all those appointments...? Unfortunately I think trying to switch his PCP at this point isn't the best plan... sigh. I'm not medically trained so it's very hard for me to judge if doctor's are going overboard for the money... but it doesn't make much sense any other way to me. Without doubt, my grandmother was used for fraudulent Medicare reimbursements in the past. I found documents where things like a $150 shower chair was ordered for her, a wheelchair costing $500, a walker that cost $200... this is what was billed to Medicare... but similar items can be purchased for about 20% of what was billed... hard to explain, but yes, it was definitely a form of Medicare fraud perpetuated by one of her doctors before I came to live with them. Eventually, he went so overboard, Medicare started denying the claims... I felt somewhat better when I saw that he billed Medicare several thousand dollars for *something* - I don't remember - and Medicare denied it! I was quite happy about that.

Long post, I'm rambling, hopefully it *mostly* makes sense, lol. Happy Friday! Hugs to all.

Normally, Jen, I'd agree that you have to take the rough with the smooth, it will all look better after a good night's sleep, etc etc etc. But actually, I can't see how it's going to be much better unless - how shall we put it - you can somehow get your mother to accept her share of responsibility that her son is approaching retirement age and is still where he was at 12 years old. Because I can't see how else you're going to get her to start seeing that if she loves him (I'm sure she does) and wants to help him (I'm sure it's her wildest dream) then she's got to let him go. She sees it as protection. You see it for what it is - enablement, obviously. Enablement, moreover, that she is no longer able to carry on unaided.

[Stage cough] I said "unaided." There's the rub. By taking care of her, you're kind of perpetuating, not her behaviour itself, but the lack of incentive to change.

I think this is too hard and too delicate for lay opinions. I assume you've been down every conceivable guidance avenue with your brother, yes? But what about addicts' family advisers or counsellors? It's complex, because in addition to the drug abuse issues you have to balance any kind of action with elder care needs. But you can't be the only family that's ever been here. There must be someone who's found the way through.

Did the tenant leave because of problems with the family, or can you reasonably expect to let the place again soon? Just wondering if this month's tight budget is going to get easier before long. Though, in any case, necessity aside, it won't hurt your mother if she stops pouring cash down your brother's throat. Or up his arm. Or wherever they put these things these days.

What does your mother want to do? Or is she so worn down and overwhelmed that she only knows that she doesn't want to throw him out?

Are you still speaking to your brother at all? I'm wondering if he'd care to state how he sees things going, and what he's got to say for himself.

But meanwhile, maybe a good night's sleep won't hurt. Big hugs to you. What a horrible position to find yourself in after so much hard work.

LadyBelle,

Liked that you said to yourself. Chaos today is too much to handle. You set boundary. I need to do that too. Thanks for your post.

Lots of support from me, jen813

Today was not a good day. Went to visit mom and dad in AL. Mom was having another anxiety attack. Had thrown up breakfast, claim aid did nothing for her, but she had threaten to throw vomit on the aid. I asked her what she wanted the aid to do... she said "sit with her." Dad claims he's constipated. The night before he mess everywhere, yet today he's demanding a laxative. I told him no, he's not constipated and will not get a laxative. He then curses at me for telling him no. At this point, the chaos was too much for me to handle so I pick up my purse and left. I've done the best I could to help them. It's simply has gone too far for me to help anymore.

Feel despondent today.Taking care of mom. Her drug addicted son has been living with her all his life (he is 59 yrs old now and started abusing since 12 yrs old). She will not put him out on the street. I came to help her (in separate apartment in same family home). Even though he has apartment (also in same family home) and gets food all for free he of course still asks for money. Mom has own apartment in same family home but her son is constantly with her. He does help with some of her personal care i.e. putting socks/shoes on and foot massage. She is still OK with most activities of daily living. I am managing home maintenance and repair and all finances for mom as well as her medication refills, doctor visits etc.. She is still mentally OK. This month things came to a head because we lost some income due to tenant leaving. She had been dealing with her son and I had very little to do with him. Although when he had a psychotic episode (due to rabid withdrawl from benzos and almost died) the end of last year I was the one who helped him through psychiatric hospital stay and rehab. As soon as he got out he went back to getting high. He is on a methadone program and abuses street drugs (benzos and marijuana). I decided that I would have as little to do with him as possible after he went right back to drug abuse. I told him if he gets back to rehab I support him otherwise I do not want anything to do with him. This month we lost income as tenant is leaving. Mom was giving him money from funds I was giving to her for small things she may need day to day (she would send him for milk etc). I do the heavy grocery shopping and stock entire house with all that we need. However because money is so tight this month my mom giving him money was jeopardizing our ability to pay bills. Additionally some money I gave her was missing (no surprise). I finally took total control of the money. He gets transportation via metro card but that is it. He lost his disability benefits (his own fault) and has no money to get to his methadone program. I do not want to deal with him at all. I feel it is the last straw on top of managing mom's care, 4 family home, finances and bill pay, my own business, my own medical concerns, and the rest of my life (what is left of it). I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do about his addiction since mom will not throw him out. In taking care of mom I have also adopted the horror of dealing with a drug addicted brother. I feel I want to leave and get my place again. Right now I am not in a financially stable place to do it (I work freelance and that served me well for years especially in taking care of mom and related household stuff). I have been living on my own and supporting myself my whole life (from 17 yrs old to 60 yrs) up until 3 years ago when I moved back to family home to help her. I appeared to be a good move. I would save money on rent (I still work and do pay rent to my mom) help mom, have my own apartment. It was good the first 2 years. But now that she is growing weaker and I have to take on more for her my brother's presence is interlinked with her. I also wonder even if I left I would still have the same issues. I would still be trying to help mom with my drug addicted brother's presence. I am at my wits end. I want to help mom but want nothing to do with my drug addicted brother. Thank you all for allowing for this post. Sorry it is long and incoherent. I am upset today. Some days better than others, right?

Margeaux, it's an utter disgrace that professionals can dilly around like that while their elderly patient suffers. Shocking. How long has she been this dentist's patient? Our animals get better treatment than that from our vets. Hope it gets done soon and they make her comfortable.

Mother broke a molar. Poor thing she's been having this for over a week now.
So my sister took her to a dentist who is designated by mom's health plan.
That dentist told my sister mom needed a root canal. My sister wasn't going for this, as root canal's are rather brutal, and didn't want to put a 92 yr. old through this.

So then my sister took mom to her own dentist for a second opinion.
Her dentist told her mom just needed to get the molar extracted.
Well, my sister is totally getting the run around w/mom's insurance's dentist.
Of course, we know that apparently, the root canal was going to cost something like $1200.00's. compared to an extraction which is less, don't recall how much, but less.

So my sister's dentist was arranging to have the insurance's dentist, send an authorization, since they were to schedule mom yesterday w/an oral surgeon. My sister made all kinds of phone calls so that all necessary paper work was transmitted to the proper office's and there'd be no glitches once mom was to show up yesterday for the extraction, w/one of the paid caregivers.
Yesterday, mom showed up for the appt.. Then the caregiver called my sister at her job. Apparently........that first dental office-the one that wanted to give mom the root canal, sent erroneous info., w/the wrong insurance plan to the oral surgeon.
So now they have mom there, but they can't do the surgery because of this paper glitch.

Oh boy!!! Was my sister ever p****d off w/that root canal dental office.
She called them, and really let one of the people in their office have it, and I don't blame her. The person she spoke to, even went as far as telling my sister,
"Well, your mother should really be getting a root canal." My sister replied something about......"Sure, you guys want a root canal done because it costs $1200.00. She also told this person, she'd had a second opinion, and that we the family made our decision, that we didn't want to put our mom through a root canal.
So mom still has the broken molar, and they're waiting for this rip off dental office
to send the authorization to the oral surgeon.

It's awful, how many hoops we have to jump through with these insurances,
not to mention how cunning they've become trying to get people to do something that is not in their best interest! Dentist's are so expensive too!!!
Poor mom, I feel bad that she may have to wait until next week, but I hope not!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Kaazaa,

No matter what.....since your brother agressed upon you, try not to be available at any level. He's shown some true colors here, and I feel that people who go this far, may try it again.

I'm am so glad that you have this friend, where you can be.
Try to resist the temptation of going over there to become available to your mom, too. Somewhere in the dementia, or whatever is causing her not to mentally function anymore......remember bottom line, she needs you more than you need her, especially right now. Don't allow your elder, even if you succumb to "the you feel bad for her, you think you're the only one who would care for her properly etc.", to get yourself rethreaded into this kind of a caregiving situation. You do need some kind of a formal agreement if this were to happen, to protect yourself.

But at the other end, if you've a sibling who is so bold as to assault you,
well.....my view is that the writing is on the wall. If he's done it one time, he may just do this again. I realize, that no matter what......you still sound concerned about your mother. But YOU, should seriously also consider what you will tolerate!

My mom's sister aggressed on me several times, when I was living at mom's
She was there too. Finally when she got me into a literal head lock, had me by my hair, I thought, "Oh no."! Even if this means that I won't be around mother as much, say in the future when she's declining.......I am not willing to tolerate that behavior by her sister, and then even have mom come to me and accuse ME,
of having started something like this. When this incident happened, believe it or not.....really impacted years later......when they'd lost their power. They were now two old ladies, who needed help/care. I was not the designated one to move in there to do this either, my sister was. Had I been, I would have declined.
My sister had a horrible time of it w/our aunt too for about 5 yrs., until she died.
She was never diagnosed either, I'm sure she had a mental condition. But she was the total narcissist.

I just share this w/you though, since it has to do with the physical abuse,
and as we all know too well even the authorities, many times just turn their heads. We still live in a very patriarchal system, when it comes to domestic violence, sad to say, even though it's in the news a lot lately.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hurt and angry is exactly it, Kaz. That's what is frightening. Your friend sounds like a good 'un but I would be happier if you were away from the scene completely. Not forever, but just for now completely.

I think your family loves you very much but can't help you. I think you love them very much but can't cope with them, not for now. I believe that in time and God willing, this could all come right (as much as messy families are ever "right"); but for now I wish you were in a safe, calm place well away from all sources of stress. You need a little while off the treadmill completely.

What about that case? Are you well represented?

CM I am ok? just in shock that brother attacked me and my arm is sore BUT im a fighter. Survied a bad childhood a bad marriage and I will survive this! I am just a few houses away from mum so don't worry have made a firm decision that this time I walk away but am there when things get bad with mum.

CM I will go away when I get some cash! it will take along time to get over all this and then mum is declining so I will always be here for her BUT just not fully involved.

my friend lives alone and works so I will be able to relax eventually.

I didn't sleep last night and had a horrific nightmare? I took a sleeping tab but it didn't work. it will take a few days to calm down as im still shaking cant eat and endless fags and coffee which isn't good.

I will seek out a support group here there is one I just havnt gone yet? I will TRY and stop smoking kinda have to now as I have to pay some rent to her! I will be POOR BUT mentally calmish!!

Like ive said before ive grown in strength in the last year you get stronger OR you crack? havnt cracked yet?

financially things will be bad but if I give up fags ill be ok. maybe finally get fit and get my head straight??

Im so hurt and angry right now BUT I love and care for mum to walk away and try not to care will be hard BUT I am determined to stick this out so siblings can wake up.

As glad said and shes right IF mum wants me back and I did go back and look after her it would be legal so she cant chuck me out when she feels like it? BUT I think as long as brother is so near that will never happen?

Im in a bad place I cant get lower SO the only way now is UP UP UP! im 49yrs old my best friend was killed on a bike at 17yrs she would have been 50 today! so I think of her and think well I made it this far I cant get through this.

I will never speak to brother and sister again what they've done now is too much I feel betrayed and a lot of anger towards mum but that will not last as I know its not her fault.

I just don't think anyone had any idea just how gut wrenching this illness is really more help is needed the world needs to wake up to this!

On a positive my friend is very spiritual and it her through a lot so we are having a bottle of wine and AN angel night!!

Yep ill be lighting candles and asking for help! I truly believe in FATE things are meant to be for a reason.

If I didn't lose my job in UK and come home here AND have an accident I think mum would have been dead. So im here and ive got her help I know shes not here for much longer so I will just TRY and be a daughter again and cherish what time she has left IF she lets me. I now have two bullies involved now so I stay away!

Brother thinks mums ok and its her diabetes and old age then let him sort it. Until they wake up im done!

On a positive I am so grateful for everyone on here so much love and support it really does help to not crack! just to know that others understand what im going through is enough who needs therapy eh?

My brother BROKE my computer lead so he has to get me a new one so don't worry if you don't hear from me I will get a new one but friend I don't know if she has a computer so bear with me.

I need you great guys more than ever youre all such a great bunch I see such love and strength on here so I owe to you all to get through this!

I imagaine all of us meeting in a huge arena and partying one day!!

hugs to all who are going through worse than I am right now I will always be grateful for my own health it could be worse!!!!!!!! GULP

Kaz, just take care of you. CM is right, you should try to get away, further than down the street. Bro is just down the street too? The closer you stay the more tempted you will be to step in and rescue Mom whenever. If you stay with your friend, avoid the temptation to rescue Mom, just call the authorities each time reminding them of the situation and now your brother is to be taking responsibility for your Mom.

Kazzaa.

Long pause.

Jump in: what I would like to hear is that you have got somewhere to go where you can get away. Away from the situation with your mother, away from all that's going on with her, somewhere where there is no pressure of any description on you to do anything or be anywhere (or go out and collect more trouble!!! - but it's nice to be *asked*, as my aunt used to say), somewhere where you can take stock, get your mind together to focus on this court case you've got coming up, and after that take things one at a time.

I'm suggesting this because I remember it as a brief moment of calm when I was a teenager, not because you're in Ireland, so don't yell at me: is there anywhere you could go on retreat for a fortnight? Obviously you'd need to pick your place with care - the last thing you'd need is anyone haranguing you about filial piety - but, as I say, I remember my pre-confirmation retreat with some longing. Eye of the hurricane.

It's just an idea. You have got such a sh!tstorm going on it must be impossible to think or sleep.

Kaz you did not walk away you were forced away-my heart goes out to you-my dumb PHD nephew told his father something I told him in confidence and all h*ll broke loose in our family but I have to just let it go for now and pray-let us know how you are doing

Me1000? Those are nice words that I just don't like the sound of - what's going on?

Just wanted to say thanks and good wishes for all of you. Take care and find peace....

Glad just spoke to mums GP he said the shrink sent back a report to him in july to say she didnt see any signs of behaviour problems? she saw mum for 20mins?? NOW this is when it gets interesting and remember this is Ireland i dont know about US laws. her doctor said that the mental act laws have changed AND you cannot have someone commited unless there is enough evidence of violence or self harm. So yes even though mum is not taking her meds and having aggressive outbursts with me there is NOTHING they can do?
I told him i was walking away he said well i wouldnt blame you? he said he would talk to mum the next time shes in? i told him she will not go near docs as shes scared of being locked up.

Bottom line there is nothing they can do? left message with her shrink and district nurse and waiting for them to return my call?

I am just letting them ALL know my side and that im walking away for my own sanity. IF nothing they know and have been warned!

glad i am done! i cant do this as long as my brother is sticking up for mum and not understanding her condition. Yes mum will start to regret this as she always does and try and get me back BUT NO this time shes gone too far. If you saw the bruise on my arm youd be shocked that was my brother pulling my arms to get me out the door and mum was loving the drama? Ive done my best for her and will walk away with no guilt just sadness.

I spent the whole morning phoning her docs so once they all know then im done. HOW? i can look at her again and forgive her i dont know yes its a mental illness but OMG kicking me out after all ive done here.

I have a huge high court case now in 4 wks about my accident i just pray i get enough to move on from this im sure you can imagine the stress of a court case and now a place to live my cat? im just not well at all mentally i dont think im fit to go to court and be disected by thier lawyers but i just have to have faith that ALL this sh*t was meant to be!

they say life puts you where you are supposed to be i think now that i was meant to have a bad accident to keep me at mums so i could get her the help she needed i think ive done this now and can do no more with nasty violent siblings.

Mum knows i love her and have cared for her right now she maybe needs a bit of a wake up call too! shes abused me as ive had no money and thought she could say what she wants to me as id nowhere to go well now once she knows im gone for good she will be furious.

yeh told me shes taking me out of her will dont care an inheritance is not worth losing your mind over.

fingers crossed i win the case and can move on i want to leave the country BUT i know i could never do that while mums alive sometime soon shes going to need me when things get bad and i will be there for her but right now i need to back off and let brother see just how tough this is.

mum will be even more on her own now as brother will just pop in to check on her so sorry thats NOT 24/7 care.

My other brother is sending him an email that now hes taken on mum he gets POA and is NOW responsible for her welfare and safety.

theres no winners here just mum losing out on her family doing whats best for her and supporting each other.

This is going to end in tragedy i can feel it. mum may fall or have a heartattack once she knows im done and not coming back she will go further down hill.

Brother is not chatty hes an introvert with little patience his wife is a con artist who is probaby delighted shes going to get near my poor sick vunerable mother and theres nothing i can do expcept warn the authorities?

things have to change everywhere laws need to be imposed for caregivers to be protected against siblings who only care about money its just so messed up and so unfair.

As long as mum wants brother there i cant do a thing about it.

I have no key now to go and get my things i just hope my poor cat is fed and ok. Lucky my friend just lives down the road so i have to get my cat to get used to coming to her house to be fed! you know animals and how sensitive they are to change but hes my baby and i need him more than he needs me right now.

HA AND LOL i look like a bag lady and was asked out on a date yesterday a guy ive seen around a bit but thought he was married? NO hes seperated!
But no last thing i need right now is a man to add to my very stressful life!!!

Kaz, another thought. If Mom should change her mind and want you back, and I am not saying you should go back, I would make darn sure you have an agreement in place first so should this happen again you have documentation that will support you being there. And it would have the added value that when Mom needs a Geri psych evaluation you have something to support your position, legally. Document, document, document!

Siblings can be down right nasty as I have learned. I have had to document everything and can even show TW#2 is only interested in what of Mom's assets are remaining for her after Mom's death.

Alison~Thank you for asking about my sweet grandsons, a subject I never get tired of talking about, LOL!!! They are 19 days old 9/18/14 and doing well. My dd and dsil took them for a photo shoot today. 5 hours long at the photographers home. She only charged them $50 as long as they signed a release giving her permission to use the photos in her portfolio and her ads.

I hope the books are helpful for you in dealing with your father. I have found many of these types of books to shed a lot a light on the relationships within a family and giving good coping strategies.

Kazza~I am so sorry!!! This whole situation is out of control. I do agree that it is best you walk away and get your life back on track as a noncaregiver. Your brother will only become more violent as time goes by with your mom's out bursts escalating situations. It is not a situation you can control and with no sib support,it will only get worse. I hope you can stay in touch while living your friend....what a life saver she is!! Big Hugs to you!!!!

walk away and let your sibling have a time with mum. If mum is fine, doc's wont listen.

You do not have to sort this diagnosis!! It is no longer up to you.

You have got what you wished for. Siblings are helping and willing....you have your freedom you have so desired. Think about it ( said in a nice way( get it got it..