The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

JB just to make things clear as I can see how its confusing IF you havnt read all my posts! mums doc GP refused to listen to me for three years and said mum had depression SO I had to pay privately to a geriatrician HE did a brain scan and confirmed vas,dementia! just this year mum was seen for 20mins by the shrink who thought she seemed competent? so I told her about her meds etc... and she is showing signs of dementia for years shrink said "well ive taken on board what you've told me" since then NOTHING. So now I have to get this diagnosis sorted. too many docs involved and no one seems to be communicating. I told shrink something will happen if this continues and it did she collapsed so this is serious now.
As long as mums scoring on memory tests they think shes ok??? I know its BS but im battling all this on my own and getting hold of docs is not easy the healthcare system here is getting worse yorue just so thankful to get any help when you can.
Her shrink will have to wake up now OR take responsibility for mums welfare all I can do is report everything and walk away!

seems to me youre not mad until you fail your memory tests?? so yes JB mum has to be properly evaluated now by a shrink but this all takes time here!

Kaz, ;my mother is FAR from placid. If you go back and read my really early posts...mom was quite the bear. Opening car doors to jump out, grabbing the steering wheel to take me with her...ha, it goes on. but we both have dealt with and somehow solved that problem.

Kaz, go do your own tbing

Your mother has o=not been diagnosed even when you took her to her doc appt,,, that is why I asked you how you determined she was mid stage and yet the Psych said she was fine?

Karen, take this time for you .... just you Let others handle things

Yes EMJO..........WHY do siblings do this? my sister does this even though ive told her not to tell mum this and that? emotional retard I think? my sister said tonight on the phone well its mums house and so what if brother said she has dementia if she HAS???????/ oh please? you can see why I cant relate to her?

Well mum in her madness knows now that I THINK she has dementia so shell do anything to stop others believing it even kick me out knowing ive no money and nowhere to go?

I went to a psychic last year and everything she said would happen is happening she said "youre family will disagree with you and you will walk away"

IF I didn't have my supportive brother in UK I just don't know what id do? he knows mum and has seen her in action thankgod for him it must be AWFUL to have ALL your siblings against you so lonely!

My brother said they are going to be so sorry when things get worse and so pissed that they didn't listen to us when we tell them mums not right! Brother said he will make them apologise but im not holding my breath!

I am sad but I cant let myself feel guilty for any of this have been through so much before with siblings I really thought once mum was diagnosed things would be so different???????

Well thanks JB! cops here cannot get involved in a "domestic"? they said your mum seems pretty competent to us so its my mums house so yes if mum says she dosnt want me here they have to ask you to leave they said until things cool down?? this time I wont be going back my brother lives down the road so im wasting my time as everytime mum calls him he comes up and bullies me?

My brother and sister are in serious denial and don't believe mum has dementia brother spends not even a half an hour with her and sister flys home twice a year so they see nothing as mum is always showtiming but it dosnt take much to google dementia and educate yourself before you make assumptions like ive said I can handle mum but not when siblings are not supporting me? YES if it was my house then I wouldn't have to have siblings near me BUT its mums house so until I contact the shrinks and let them sort it there is nothing I can do.

Its not the first time this has happened but when my brother attacked me that was it for me my supportive brother in UK is devastated as hes not here to help but he sent an email to my brother warning him if he ever lays a finger on me again he would fly over and punch his lights out.
Im just numb? Until my sister and brother see mums aggression and outbursts im wasting my time.

I asked my brother to let the cat in later in front of the cop brother said "ill do no such thing" the cop said to my brother "YOU WILL LET HER CAT IN".

Poor cops were so sorry for me but this isn't their job. said if I were to press charges against brother it would take a year then a court case? Ive had enough stress so I let it go.

I will talk to mums doc tomorrow and at least they will know whats going on then walk away.

JB youre lucky to have a mum that's placid and easy to love and care for when your parent gets nasty and thinks its ok for her son to assault me then you can now imagine what im dealing with?

My friends mum died from ALZ so lucky she totally understands and her mother attacked her a few times so thankgod for her and of course this site.

All I can do is try and let this go and not worry about mum but docs need to know that brother is her carer now as I cant be around him.

I will know more tomorrow when I talk to the nurses etc.... only US on here know just how good their showtiming can be even the cop said she seems very competent? im so tired and done hearing this?

The sad thing in all of this is im the only one that can take care of mum properly and really shes the one losing out here my brother will do her shopping and cook but what about housework her hygiene etc........

I know I know that's not my problem now?

the cleaning lady rang in tears as my brother fired her over the phone I told her im so sorry but its mums choice theres nothing I can do. poor woman a single mum with no money my heart goes out to her! mum was a single woman she would never have done this if she was "normal".

This illness really destroys families we ALL used to be so close and get on fine until mum started acting strange now we are torn apart NEVER in my life as we as a family detest violence after my dad hit us did I ever think my brother would treat me like this. Its really crazy a parent is sick we should be helping and supporting each other and now we will never be the same again.

Just so sad for everyone.

Hugs AND I will be saying my prayers tonight. Im leaving this one up to God and universe I have to believe things will get better things cannot get worse and maybe all this was meant to happen so brother and sister can wake up?

Thanks all for your support (even JB) this is when this site is just too important for us. Ive heard some horrors here BUT never thought mine could end like this!

kaz I am so terribly sorry about what has happened. I don't think them taking the key infers anything particular, other than the police do not want a repetition of what happened and think you are better off somewhere else. I agree. It is your mum's home and she can say who she wants around and who she doesn't want around. Does it make an sense - no. Are they treating you well - not at all It is disgraceful that your sibs will go behind your back like that. My sis is the same in that she has tell mother everything I tell her, so I have learned not to tell sis much . Mother, of course, then uses the info. to cause trouble, just as in your situation.

I think this will only continue of you stay involved. Let the rest of the family find out the hard way. That your mother says "She'll be back" says to me that your mother knows you look after her, but there comes a point where too much is too much. Look after yourself - maybe a trip to social services to find out what resources there are for you.(((((((((hugs))))))))

Taking keys is fairly standard. With the fire at my home three weeks ago, the friend that was staying there and caring for my cats had his key taken by officials. I did not ask the reason that the key was taken, but it was and I have it.

Kaz, believe it or not, I really am sorry this happened. It is hard on everyone.

Let your brothers/wives take care of mum for awhile. Just let it all be. Time heals. You've said all along you can't wait to get out... now is your chance. It is also the siblings chance to step up and help. Win wi

Why did the police take your key though? I have never heard of them taking someone's key to a house they've lived in for quite some time....especially if it an elderly dementia person's home.

Kaz, you will bite me for saying this, but there is more to this scenario. To be forced out like this, it had to be something a lot more than mum having a tantrum. Take this time to reflect on life and what your goals/desires are. Let brother handle mom and YOU get YO shit together. :) I do mean this with all sincerity and niceness. At times we just get stuck!

Hello all,

I received my first ordered book today, Taking Care of Parents Who Didn't Take Care of You. A few more are coming, but this is the one Jen mentioned and pretty much fits my situation... and many of yours, too, I know. I'm looking forward to looking it over.

And in about 45 minutes my cosmetologist neighbor is going to color and trim my hair. That's long overdue and I'm so glad. I'll feel a bit more human when it's done.

Kazaa, I'm concerned about you. I've been reading your posts for over a year and I worry that you, like many who do hands on full-time caregiving, have kind of forgotten what it's even like to focus on yourself apart from your charge. Is there somewhere you can go for a few days and let mom see what it's like without you there, and you can also see what your life could be like without caregiving. I think you need a little distance temporarily... then you can make a clearer-minded decision. That's my opinion, but whatever you do, please take care of yourself.

How old are your grandsons now, Sharyn? A few weeks yet? I'll bet they're growing like crazy. :-)

Hugs and love to all. *singing* I'm getting my haiiiirrrr dooonnne! Hallelujah. ;-)

No marg mum was supposed to get POA for my brother and me but everytime she wouldn't do it?
Im done now so brother can have it let him take care of her and his thief of a wife?
I have huge bruises on my arms this is just not on im really am waisiting my time here as a shrink needs to get involved now I will keep away from mum now and try and get on with my life when sister and brother come calling for help I wont be around.
I cannot handle anymore of this its getting so nasty im a liar and mums perfectly normal? you just cant reason with him Or her so whats the point of me getting ill over this?

Not very nice to have your brother assault you? friends just don't know what to say? except "get out of there".

Mum says "oh shell be back?" no mum im sorry but this time I wont be?

with all this and whats happened I saw mum loving this drama I mean really loving it had no concern for me that her son hurt me? yes ive really seen this illness at its ugliest.


I will just walk away now and mum will regret this like she always does she told me tonight "im taking you out of my will?" I said mum do it I am passed caring

Kazzaa, get out, stay away and don't look back. Don't even call the doctors for her. Your brother has bit off more than he can chew. Pick up the pieces and move on, do not call them. Move forward.

Kaazaa,

Remind me.......do you have POA, of your mother?
This situation is beyond horrible!!!! I'd go with previous advice about you not moving, in terms of having been there for the length of time you have put in there.
What in the world??? This really p***es me off, the fact that people think that your presence there for five years already, the work involved taking care of someone like this is invalidated. Do they realize that your life has to be on hold, because of all the care you do for your mother?? Yes, you don't even have to answer that one.

Geez we as women, and I do say women, since it is about women....and how our value is just not taken into consideration, when it comes to the domestic stuff,
and caregiving! Well, possibly you can just disappear as who was Glad suggested, so that your mother can come to her senses?

I hope you can get her in to see the doctor, and get some medication going,
if she isn't on any already.

On the other hand, if you feel you can go and stay at this friend's......hopefully get a job, thus getting your independence back.

You're in my thoughts!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

well things escalated my brother physically tried to throw me out and I have bruises on my arms so I called the cops they said I was a family matter and that for now you need to leave as your mum says she dosnt want you here? so I think im done now. brother refuses to believe shes got dementia and is being a bully. mum is getting worse and keeps hurling abuse at ME? I think im done here now.

I will stay with a friend until I get myself sorted contact the docs etc tomorrow and stay well away from this shit. I couldn't believe my mum tonight shes a real b*tch dementia or not im not hanging around to be called the crazy one?

the cops took my key? said it would die down after a few days but I told them yeh until the next time? told the cops I was done now and mum is not my problem anymore I will let the authorities know and that's it im done will move all my stuff out tomorrow.

Great isn't it you do everything to help them but when its all said and done the reality is you get zero appreciation?

Im done with mum and done with sister and brother as bad as they were I never thought it would get this ugly?

Its all started as brother told mum that I said shes got dementia? what an a**hole now mums h*ll bent on trying to make me out to be the mad one so sis brother wont believe me?

Let them at it now and see what happens brother needs to get POA now then we can have him in court if mam isn't looked after properly.

when I was outside waiting for taxi mum came out with money for me told her to shove it!
mum thinks this will all be back to normal again soon well no it wont ive had enough.

If mum isn't cared for now then brother is responsible for her.

a very sad way for things to end but ive done more than I can here mum will get worse then they will see whats what?

cop said to me after "why do you put up with this leave and let him sort it out".

Im so lucky to have friend who will let me stay but its not a nice way to be so am pretty down.

I really don't know what docs can do now? if mum says she dosnt want me there then they have to agree with her?

Thanks guys and if it wasn't for you I really would think I was going crazy?

Things can only get better right???????????

Kazzaa - don't do anything about moving unless you want to.
If you can afford it, this is a perfect time to exit the stage.
Otherwise, mark this up to a dementia tantrum, and wait for it to pass.
These tantrums are ugly, intense, and exhausting in all senses.

I bet if you stayed out of the house for a day, she would be just as upset about you not being there for her!

I would still plan your exit. Your brother can take it from here. You have done your best and the Lord Almighty, the Saints, and Angels all know it.
Let HIM have a chance to handle this without you.

I would seriously move as far away as you can. This situation is extremely toxic, very dysfunctional, and is taking a toll on you as a person. As in doing permanent damage to you emotionally and physically. This is not running away from responsibility. This is running TO self-preservation.

If I were there, I'd take mom to brother's house, deposit her on the doorstep with a case of clothes, and tell them all Early Merry Christmas from Me to You. I'm off to Hawaii and I don't know when I'm coming back! (Even if you're not).

You need time and distance to get a handle on this and recover from all this drama & trauma. My goodnesss.

Kazz, if you want to stay call the authorities. In this country if someone has been living in a house, whether renting, owning or squatting, there is an eviction process that must be followed that requires 30 day notice. Have you previously notified authorities about your Mum's condition? If your Mum is aggressive call the authorities to tell them what is going on. Have her taken in for an emergency psychiatric evaluation. Perhaps her docs will order it. If you abandon her you may be in more trouble. If you decide to go notify whoever is appropriate so your mum is taken care of.

I am just not at all familiar with health care there.

I NEED HELP NOW! mum threw one of her tantrums again yesterday turns out my brother the idiot told her that i said she has dementia? i cant believe he said this? now mum has turned nasty and called my brother up to kick me out? mum would rather see me on the street than my brother and sister to think shes losing it? i am now in a desperate situation as ive no money and really nowhere to go? mum is loving the attention and says all i do is tell lies about her? my brother is in complete denial and is siding with mum even though hes never here and has nothing to do with her care. I am shaking now as i have no choice but to move out i have a friend down the road but hate asking her? please god i can stay with her?

I am just in shock that family could do this to me but i know see my brother has had an agenda he says when i leave he will move in with his wife? mum hates his wife and i had to have her kicked out years ago as she was stealing from mum?

I think mum would rather her son and this wife than go into a home? so what can i do to protect her now?

I will contact her docs tomorrow but i think i am better to walk away now as the stress is too much and siblings turning against me? brother in UK is in a state and says well if he cant see how mum is not right in the head then leave easy to say when ive nowhere to go to?
I will never forgive my mum for this and if she wants me out after caring for her for five years here then i will never see her again.

i feel used and betrayed this is how family treat you instead of working together to support mum.

She really is losing it now and seems to be loving all the attention that brother is giving her?

I will have no choice but to leave i am in such a bad way and my only hope now is her docs?

ANY advice now would be grateful!

Tracy,

Welcome to the thread.
As I was reading your post, it occurred to me, that given your situation as named POA, it is a good idea first and foremost of all that you do use a system of keeping track of expenditures. So that's great that you got this application to assist you.

Now the other thing is the emotional part of what you're going through. You're at a crossroads of sorts, since she up to now has been vocal, and spending the money. But really......and I'm only going on your description of events, it does sound as others have said, that a test is in order.

My mom who was diagnosed w/ALZ seven years ago.....went through a period of I'll call it "the transition." She was at the time, living w/her narcissist older sister, was her caregiver for some time already. They lived together, independently. Both of them were quite accustomed to basically doing whatever they wanted. But of course, since as time progressed, and her sister's health became worse, mom had to take over things such as driving (something she wasn't good at, nor had done), but she was showing signs of ALZ. Let me tell you......that in an effort by both of them to keep their independence mom got diagnosed apparently 1 yr. before we-her kids found this out. So mom was still trying to do things that under normal circumstances would have been all right, but now w/ALZ, especially something such as driving became an issue. Their whole accounting......management of rentals was all screwed up for a time. They were dealing w/an irresponsible POA, my brother, til it got yanked from him and designated to my sister.

Anyway, I really felt the transition.....mother was having to face. It can't be easy for them, and it definitely isn't easy for us. But there it is!
Please do try to get her evaluated, and just try to transition some of your thinking to now she needs someone to watch out for her.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Tracy, your mom's mental acuity sounds somewhat similar to my dad's. There are days I think he's not rational at all, but some days he surprises me with what he is still able to do if he wants to. I've had a problem trying to get his doctors on board with the idea that he IS mentally failing in some way that I don't understand. And part of the problem is, if your mom is anything like my dad, during those doctor's appointments is when my dad is most pleasant and "with it." I think the attention is mentally stimulating for him in some way.

I've been making a list of specific examples of things that my father does or says or forgets or whatever that show he doesn't behave rationally. I'm hoping that by compiling this list I can get his doctors to start listening to me when I say I want further testing for early dementia or even a general IQ test might be helpful in my dad's case. I'm in a similar boat insomuch that I don't know exactly what my father needs to have happen to diagnose his issues and I've been unsuccessful so far to get anywhere.

But to address how one is declared incompetent - this does have to start at her physician's level, I believe. In Illinois where I live there is a form called a CCP-211 that is used by a court of law to rule incompetency. There may be a similar document where you live? I was able to download a copy of this form long ago off the Internet, but it has to be filled out by my father's doctor saying that the doctor does deem my father to be mentally incompetent. That form is then taken to a court date that in Illinois you can arrange yourself without help from an attorney. It's called appearing "pro se," I believe. And you give the court the document and judge rules incompetency. That's the gist anyway here in Illinois.

Certainly it all seems like it would be easier for you to accomplish the ruling of incompetency with some professional legal advice tailored to your specific state and situation. But it starts at the physician's level... you have to be able to convey to them that there is a problem. Sharyn suggested making an appointment directly with a neurologist. I haven't tried this. I've instead asked my dad's PCP to give him a reference to a neurologist and PCP said "no need at this time." :-/

It's very late and I'm overly tired but I hope I helped describe the general way - at least in my state - to go about getting an incompetency ruling.

Hugs, all. Happy Thursday!

Tracy~Make an appointment with a neurologist. She/he will do tests to determine your mothers mental capabilities. Be sure to tell her/him that you need a written statement to present to your mother's attorney so he/she can put the paper work through legally naming you as the person who is the primary on your mother's DPOA. This will put your mother's trust and assets in your name as the executor of your mother's trust and assets. Hopefully, your mother did not split responsibilities between you and another sib. We all have had to get this info from other sources because your mother's attorney cannot legally share it with you...his/her purpose is to protect your mother. Once you have written documentation from a neurologist...the attorney should respect that and work with you. Let us know how it all progresses so we can continue to support you. Big Hugs...it is a difficult situation to work through!!

Mom's bank does interact with me now and they have me down for POA but the Trust man told me when he came down to visit with mom and I was there I was POA once she became mentally incapacitated.

sharynmarie, I do have the springing one that goes into effect once she becomes mentally incapacitated. I just don't know how to determine when she's determined mentally incapacitated and whose suppose to determine she is. Sorry, I may sound dumb...I do have a degree in nursing and I know how to assess patients but they usually are over the line either they are not, intermittent, way over....lol

A lot of emotions going on for me right now. Yesterday was very busy starting with picking up pics of the babies to send to relatives back East. I stopped by my friends business to show her the pics and catch up with her. Then I met up with my sis and brother having lunch with my mom. We decided to cancel the podiatrist that comes to the facility every 3 months is not often enough for my mom's callus issues. We will take her to the local podiatrist every 6 weeks. No point in her being uncomfortable just for our convenience.

My brother updated us on our niece....she is doing well, having chemo for 8 weeks and 2 weeks off. She seems to be tolerating it well. Bro is building a work shed in his backyard, equipped with a vacuum system so he can do his wood working hobby. This will be good for his lungs plus a/c.

Mom is doing as good as can be expected. She does not know my children, showing her pics of the babies,....she thought they were my babies. Par for the course of Alz. We grieve the loss all along as they progress, It does hurt all of us that she does not remember our children.

Today just as busy, Midget had a spa day, I had other appts. Got eye exam, ordered new updated lenses and frames. 2 weeks to get the new glasses,,,hanging in there until then. {{{{Hugs}}}} to everyone.

Margeaux~ I so love children and even wanted to be a preschool teacher....alas, the requirements have been change and require a BA degree...at my age...when I was pursuing it, meant student loans I did not want to have to pay. So... I work in bakery/deli.....which I do like especially at the store I am at now because....we actually have customers, LOL!!

Tracy~It sounds like your mother is either mentally incapacitated or close to it. If your DPOA is not a springing type, then you can start taking over her financial by doing it slowly. Present your copy of the DPOA to the said businesses and banks and change the address so it is sent to you or set it up online. By doing it slowly, your mother will probably not notice. Good luck!!

Churchmouse, You asked these questions. Is she ignoring the consequences of her financial mismanagement, or is she incapable of understanding them? Mom seems to get it when you tell her and then two minutes later she doesn't remember what you just told her and she gets lost in the reasoning of the situation. For example she is under $168 in the bank right now. She thinks it's okay to float money. I told her this is illegal and she says the bank knows my money will be in on the 20th. ....I said mom..I wish it worked like that but that's illegal. It's like writing bad checks. she said, No they pay everything that comes through.... It kind of sounds as if she's being irresponsible rather than irrational, would you agree? Yes, she is very irresponsible...It's very complex. She can sound so with it and in the next few minutes she's totally lost.

Awe, I just joined this thread yesterday. I feel so loved...Hugs to you all. I always have trouble being the strict person; especially the enabling, wonder where it get that? LOL. I'm new to this stage of life with my mother. I have always been there for my mother and father since I've been a teenager, and I'm 49 now. They always pulled me into their problems and asked for me to take care of them and then they would "say no thank you" and I always seem to get the bad end of the stick. I stay hardened for a few days from the hurt and then mom calls and says she misses me and I'm back there. Church Mouse I understand what you are saying. Absolutely, I guess I don't understand where the cutoff line should be. How bad does her dementia need to get? I'd rather her be able to think on her own and act responsible until she's gone. I'm sure you all feel this way. I did call her GP today and requested a private conference with him before moms next appointment on September 29. I want to let him know of moms actions and mental status since last visit. I want him to try a new medication for dementia and see if we see any improvements. I spoke with mom last night and I told her about me joining this support group on how to help your elderly parents and do what's best for them. I asked her the question "mom if you saw your mother doing something that wasn't the best for her; would you have told her and would you have stopped her from doing what would hurt her in the long run?" She said...If it didn't have anything to do with causing her pain or loss of anything. I said who took your mother's car from her when she needed that done? she said my sisters...That hurt my mother so much..You wouldn't do that to me would you? Maybe, like Kazza said things will be known in time...It scares me though..I feel I'm going to turn out to be the bad one again...I pray God intervenes with a miracle...I'm a patient advocate but I had no idea how to even understand or where to begin with these situations. I'm a love giver. I hate family conflict...Sandwich42..I do understand what you're saying about the direct information. I believe with the information I've received from this forum already has allowed me to start moving ahead in a positive manner. 1. I called the GP today for a private meeting. 2. I'm purchasing Quicken to do a spreadsheet for mom's monthly expenditures; so she can see assets, debits, and overall projections. Thanks to all...

Allison, it was very hurtful and tough when my dad would lash out with the dementia. He had been the kindest, gentle man prior to illness. But with Dad, I was better able to handle it because I knew it was the dang illness. And we were able to care for him as needed. With Mom, there's no dementia, just her normal behavior that makes her lash out when things are the way she thinks they should be. I've set boundaries, disengaged, gone low contact. I think one of my great fears is that she is so convinced there's nothing wrong with her that she will try to check herself out of the NH.

Kazza~I am glad your mother is home but now...you are back into the thick of it all. Sibs are difficult and it is so much more difficult for you as the caregiver when they are talking behind your back in a bad way. I agree with what Glad told you that you have to let it go...eventually it will all come out and your sibs may never acknowledge you...but you are doing what it is right for you and your mother. The naysayers will be known to all in time. Hang in there.

Tracy~Cm gives you good advice. It does appear to be a trust issue which is normal with dementia.We were lucky because the businesses here knew mom was struggling so they worked with us even though it is a no no. I can only add for you to try to find some way to gain your mothers trust. Blessings to you!

I have to say that if the early people who responded to me on this site had not been plain as day about mom's situation and what I had to do, things would have been a total shambles. I really appreciated the direct approach. And also knowing that I didn't have to invent solutions from nothing. I think a lot of people feel immediate overwhelm by not knowing what's out there, and fretting they have to create solutions by themselves.

Heck, I learned that all social workers don't all work for the county. I had no idea social workers are in the employ of all kinds of companies.

Thank you Austin, how nice of you to say so! However I have just noticed that I refer to compromising with reality. ??? There is, of course, NO compromising with reality. I have no idea what I was thinking, to have said that. Reality wins every time. Tracy, apologies, I'm sure you get what I was getting at.