The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

CM you are giving good advice in a nice manner

Wow, Tracy, you have got a task on your hands.

I could ask what on earth possessed you to accept POA! - but that's like saying "I wouldn't start from here…"

Ok. You did accept POA. I hope that process included the layman's guide to what the responsibilities involved are, exactly. (By the way, you are free to resign if you want to. Always do bear in mind that you have a choice about whether or not you stay involved.)

So. Do you, in your own mind, believe that your mother still has mental capacity in the legal sense? Is she ignoring the consequences of her financial mismanagement, or is she incapable of understanding them? It kind of sounds as if she's being irresponsible rather than irrational, would you agree? In which case you can do very little. As long as she has capacity, she is in charge of her money. If she ****s it up, it's her problem; and all you can do is stick around to clear up the mess afterwards. Depressing but so.

What else can you do. Well. She can do what she likes with her money, is her view; ok, true. She can. What she also needs to think about, then, is what she is going to do with NO money. Which is going to happen sooner than later if she carries on as is. How about, for example, if you do her a nice clear spreadsheet showing how much she's spending, how much is coming in, and how fast her funds will run dry.

The other thing you could do, I guess, is draw up a proposed budget; one that, ideally, offers a comfortable compromise between her current habits and financial realities. And, ideally, one with an eye to her future living and care needs.

Crumbs, my sister would laugh herself sick if she knew I were typing words on financial planning… But at least your mother does have the raw material to make a start on ensuring her own security. For now anyway!

So to sum up, I guess you reassure your mother that you accept she is in charge of her decisions, and then point out that she has made you responsible for supporting her in that and you are doing what she has asked you to do - looking ahead and warning her of oncoming trains.

If you're sure of the signs of dementia, though, it does become a different story (or it soon will). Are you going to be able to harden your heart and your nose and do the necessary - protecting your mother's best interests, rather than indulging her whims?

Great, Allison, I hope it helps your dad and YOU!

Linda22, yes, the emotional struggle, when my dad isn't feeling good and feels like targeting me for some anger release, those times are the hardest.

We got new blood pressure pills today for my father, but I realized that the VA has still not put in an Rx into their system so that I can reorder. I'll have to make some phone calls to find out why they aren't putting refills on a medicine he needs to keep taking! I'm frustrated with "the system" today. But, my dad has a month of BP meds, and I'm very thankful.

Glad, my dad's home nurse through VA has just realized what level of potential danger-to-self my dad is at. She told me she would be speaking to the VA docs about getting approved for weekly visits. Right now, it's just once a month to change the catheter. I hope she is able to get approved for the once-a-week.

Hugs! Happy Tuesday!

Tracy and Linda~My sis I went through so much stress back in 2012 as the Alz was progressing and mom was still competent, living alone. I live 5 minutes drive from mom's house, was over there often. She needed more help but refused to let sis and I help...well...because we are her children, she is the mother and mother knows best.....not when Alz is the issue. She accused us of trying to get control of her money and house, she tried cancelling her long term care policy several times (we managed to keep the policy going after finding out it had a 30 lapse period). She told friends sis and I were trying to take over...steal her money, etc...she hid financial files couldn't remember where they were and accused us of stealing them

We knew all this was because of the Alz even though there were other issue of mental illness. Instead of letting my mother upset me, I turned it around and showed her sympathy, agreeing with her and developing her trust by saying that she was not crazy that I lose things and misplace them all the time...no big deal mom, we will look together and find it.

The biggest problem was we could not do anything to protect our mother regarding her assets because she had the DPOA written as a springing type...we could not activate it until she was diagnosed as mentally incapacitated.

I agree that seeing an elder law attorney to tie up her money so siblings cannot stake their claim and they just have to wait until the end with what is left. Mom's money is for mom's care only.

Thank you so much for the direct advice. I love it. Okay..let me asked this? Mom fears the dementia record because she wants to spend her money the way she wants to. Now, you're asking me to do what she fears. My father always controlled her and she's like a rebellious teenager. She states she can do what she wants...I'll become her enemy in her mind. She gets $4400 a month. $1200 of that is from the trust. Which is dwindling away, so after that she will receive $3400/mo. Mom does own 166 acres of farm land too. So there is expenses she occurs because of the farm; so she always comes to me like yesterday and says I need $5000 because I have to pay for the house being painted and they delivered $1800 worth of propane. So she has good reasons to request more money but she would have money saved monthly if she would save. Mom eats out a lot and if anyone that goes with her she refuses to let me pay or anyone else.. I want to pay but she starts screaming and making a scene. Please advise? We go out every Friday...I think I try to ignore the problems and make her happy but it's not what's best.

Of all the physical caregiving tasks I've done over the years, nothing has worn me out so completely as the emotional struggle with my mom. I've had to accept that she will fall because she is not compliant or prudent. I've accepted that I can't feel guilty for health issues going undetected if she refuses to even acknowledge any age related issue. I've accepted that my sister and I have done absolutely all that we can for her. But her absolute denial of any health issues whatsoever and insistence that she can do everything she used to do, well, it's making seeing to her care very difficult. She's become so nasty, she's now hitting me with her litany in front of my kids, trying to pull them into the drama. I'd really like to resign as daughter.

Tracey too right your mother is (or at least was) still capable of making some good choices. That's why she gave you POA and not any of your siblings.

So she has a house which she owns, $45K in trust, and what kind of regular income? Get to a specialist elder care attorney now and get her money and her income tied up tight. Then find a safe place for her where you can visit her easily, see she's well taken care of, and above all where there are always other people around and, as a matter of routine, supervision and security. After that, if you still want to, you can give some thought to your siblings and their families and their relationships with their mother/grandmother. This nonsense about her being afraid to accept diagnosis and treatment for fear that her kids will - what? Have her gagged, bound and dragged off to a padded cell? Pshaw! That's why you've got POA, remember? - well, that's the kind of thing that will enable you to go to the nice judge, explain that your mother has now lost capacity, and use your POA to take charge.

Threats, menaces, etc. - straight to the police. You have a vulnerable adult in your care, remember? You can't afford to mess about.

So, to recap:

1. Ask trustworthy people such as your mother's GP, your local APS, friends with elderly relatives to recommend the right kind of specialist legal advice.
2. Call APS and get your mother's situation on record. It'll make them wake up quicker if they're ever needed.

Oh, and stop withdrawing large amounts of cash. Are you pretending you don't know what she needs it for?

Hello I'm new to this forum and hope I'm doing this correct. By that I mean adding my dysfunctional family story in this thread. Wasn't for sure if I needed to start a new thread. Please forgive me if I should have. My mother is 72 and has early to moderate dementia. She has problems with memory loss, confusion, thinking, and reasoning. My father passed away 4 years ago. I know she has a great deal of depression. I am a RN. I love my mother very much. I have 3 siblings. One sister is a drug addict, One sister has 4 children and drug addicted husband but are very wealthy. One sibling is a brother that is a major drug addict and lives next door to her. He goes to her house daily for money. He has stolen her debit card and took her balance to zero. He has always been taken care of from mom and dad. He's 39. He has two children. His girlfriend is the mother of his two children and is a drug addict too. I'm trying to give you the whole scenario. First I want to say I have zero bone of jealousy in me. I know it's hard to judge comments based on the true heart of the commenter. I know mom and dad have made my brother what he is from enabling him all his life. I'm mom's POA and pay her bills monthly. She has gone through over $200,000 in four years and only has 45,000 left in her trust. Every time she asked for another withdrawal of $5000-$10000 I worry. I worry for her future. I don't care if she has a penny left after she dies but do care if she has money to last while she alive so she can enjoy life. I took mt brothers $800 electric bill out of her name last month and put it in my brothers name which he is threatening to hurt or kill me. I did have her get a new debit card and had her change the pin number. My brother and sister that are drug addicts have so much anger and jealously toward me they threaten me all the time. I told mom not to worry because God is in control; but she calls me to tell me what they say along with the message of threats. I won't back down from doing what's best for mom. I should say my mom does have enough sanity still to make the right choices but wants to make every child happy so she says anything that makes that child happy at the time but is not true in what she says. She wants to sell her house but the house my brother lives in is on the property and needs torn down before mom can list her house because of the depreciation his (her) house brings to her main house. He threatens her and me if moms house goes up for sale. I'm just so confused in knowing and doing what's best for her. As I write this something just dawned on me. Even though she does have dementia. She won't let the doctors put it in her chart because she fears the children will do something to her if she's given that diagnosis. So, she won't take medication for dementia. She wants to but she's afraid of losing control. As a daughter who wants what is best for her. What should I do? She has me pay all of bills. She tells me what to do like taking my brother's electric bill out of her name but then fears and want tell them the truth but puts the blame on me. Confused and Delerius. ..

CM whats even funnier is mum said " well i cant blame the nurses i would have done it" HAH now thats FUNNY!! yeh mum said she was annoying!!!!!! oh LOL! No CM i know mum and i believe her! Mum only lies about me to hide her illness from docs and siblings shes not a liar by nature and when you know her as well as i do i can tell when shes lying and when shes not. I confronted her about me telling her she had dementia and she went bright RED and changed the subject quickly SO i have a gut feeling that my brother has said something to her OR someone in the hospital so am determined to get to the bottom of this. I mean is it possible for a professional to tell a patient "oh youre daughter says you have dementia?" wouldnt surprise me but i need to know if its my brother then hes in need of help and im out of here! If brother dosnt think mum has dementia then im waisting my time here as i dont want him near here patronising me!
Dont you just love family!

Kazzaa???

First this:
i think we are done with general nurses who just listen to mums crap i think they really know nothing about dementia.

Then this:
when i went to visit mum in hospital last wednesday she was moved to a room with one other patient.........mum told me the old lady beside her had dementia and was wrecking mums head!!!! LOL anyway mum told me that two nurses kept coming in and were getting pissed off with the old lady and mum heard them say "id love to put a pillow over her head". An absolute disgrace i will be contacting the hospital to find out who these nurses are and have them spoken to. I mean that will be my mum one day and if i ever heard of anyone saying things like that i would hit the roof!

I'm not criticising, honest, I'm hooting with laughter. What happened to not listening to mum's crap, then, eh?

More seriously, obviously if such a comment were made, whether in your mother's hearing or not, then yes certainly it does merit being reported. Be careful who you tell and how, though.

Hey i think ive come up with a title for my book " Flesh and Bad Blood"!!! LOL

thanks margeaux! mum is so two faced but i dont care about her shes not right in the head its siblings talking about me behind my back that i find disgusting! I spoke to a woman recently whose mum had Vas.Dementia she said once the shrinks get involved your siblings wont know what hit them! So i will have great pleasure when that happens.

So far so good with mum (putty in my hands) but ive been here before too many times in fact. Shes all sweetness and passive when she gets out of hospital THEN POW! back screaming and shouting and controlling me!

Mum is now back and still not taking her meds properly?? i havnt seen this nurse yet? shes supposed to call 3 times a wk? so when i get hold of her ill ask her what she thinks the solution here is? what i want is a psychiatric nurse in here to monitor mums behaviour i think we are done with general nurses who just listen to mums crap i think they really know nothing about dementia.

when i went to visit mum in hospital last wednesday she was moved to a room with one other patient.........mum told me the old lady beside her had dementia and was wrecking mums head!!!! LOL anyway mum told me that two nurses kept coming in and were getting pissed off with the old lady and mum heard them say "id love to put a pillow over her head". An absolute disgrace i will be contacting the hospital to find out who these nurses are and have them spoken to. I mean that will be my mum one day and if i ever heard of anyone saying things like that i would hit the roof!

I think more training has to be done by general docs and nurses in how to care for dementia patients its just not right to speak of another human being in this way and i will be kicking up a stink about this. Mum is turning into a liar regards me but i know shes only doing it so siblings wont see her madness BUT mum would NOT lie about these nurses so i will find out who they were and what was said that night!

I just soldier on until mums next outburst! she dosnt look well and seems alot more confused than usual but i knew this would happen the more hypos she has the worse shes going to get.

I will feel better when ive spoken to a shrink im done with docs and nurses who refuse to speak to me like im nothing. I will ask this nurse when she arrives why she refuses to speak to me AND remind her that mum would be dead if i wasnt here and to show me some respect OR do not call here again.

The level of care here is getting scary the nurses in the hospital were quite snappy and rude "florence nightingale" would turn in her grave!! Also some nurse told mum she hated being a nurse????? honestly why do a job you hate? and how dare she tell the patients this?
Yep look after yourselves and dont get sick as its seems some nurses dont have a vocation to caring for some its just a job and thats so wrong!

I did have a good time away from mum for almost ten days but have to say it took almost a week to try and relax and really switch off!

mums due into respite in Oct so i wll have to get nurse to try and make her go in or i wont get a break until xmas now.

Like alot here im dreading another xmas here with siblings so am hoping i have some money to get away from them all. Im finding it harder and harder to be civil to them they have zero respect for me OR my life and where my future is headed? who would have thought your own flesh and blood could turn out to be so selfish i may write a book when this is all over just about siblings i am sure ill come up with a good name!!

Kaazaa,

This is quite terrible what your mother is saying about you, and talking behind your back, your sister too! On the one hand I am glad she's out of the hospital then on the other hand......well you get my drift. It isn't easy when siblings hide, and really don't communicate, instead take to positioning themselves.

You sound really fed up, Kaazaa. Maybe you have to start to think about other arrangements, whatever that would be.

I hope you had a good time being away from this.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I'm a bit frazzled with all that is going on here. Congrats, great auntie!

Glad,

Thank you so much for the hug. But it's my duty to inform you that I posted that I'm a great aunt, not a grandma. I don't have kids. This sister's daughter's baby.
Currently, my niece, the husband and well now its 3 little babies.....have moved in again with my sister and mom. My niece and her husband are having some major repairs done to a house they rent from my sister. They do live rather far, so I haven't been there to see the new baby. Only have seen her on some email pictures. I'm wondering how my mom is handling all of the activity in her household right now, though. My sister always says, that the babies give mom something to do, and she does like watching and engaging some.
But I have been there recently, only 2 wks., ago......and after I heard the one yr. old crying, and the two yr. old giving the sitter a time because he didn't want to nap, it frazzled my nerves just hearing all this noise. Now there's the new baby! Hey,
but they are all adorable.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Allison, I apologize if I am repetitive. Does the VA have a department that will check on patient welfare and appropriateness of remaining in the home as opposed to a facility? Had you said that you had Dad added to list for the facility? Remember, at ER today you can leave him there telling them he is not a cooperative patient and due to that can no longer provide the needed care.

I am so relieved that my Mom, for the most part is cooperative. If she weren't she would have to be in a facility as, especially in my sacked out family, would possibly be reported to APS for neglect or some such.

Took Mom to her doc today and it was a good visit. I was astounded when the doc said to me that it is her job to also take care of me. Make sure I get the help and support from the doc that I need. Mom's guardian has said the same thing. They both see that Mom is receiving excellent care and doing as well as can be expected while she lives with this wretched disease.

I guess the lesson of the day for me was that all other people involved in Mom's care also are concerned about my health and welfare. And I am so appreciative of what they all do! The situation with the twisted sisters is still one of animosity and suspicion and indifference toward my relationships with them they have put me through he!! For nearly three years now. But the team that we have put together to make sure my Mom has excellent care is a wonderful, caring group of people with a common goal. Twisted ones be DA!!Ed.

Welcome, Jen813. Your posts inspired me to get on Amazon and order the book you mentioned, plus a few more about caregiving, all used paperbacks that were only about $4 each. Who knows if I'll actually read them, but I would like to skim them for information and see if they might be helpful to me in my situation. So thanks for providing the catalyst for that. :-)

My father stopped taking his blood pressure medication within the past few days because he ran out. I've asked him several times to please mention to me if he is running low on a medication (and I also do check the bottles and his pill case but I missed it) and I will order more, but so far I've not been successful in keeping him from running out of meds on occasion or he just simply doesn't take them as prescribed at times, too. So dad's home nurse was here this eve and realizes he has stopped taking the BP meds. There are no refills in the VA prescription system due to some sort of entry error and a call to the pharmacy was no help. Home nurse tells me to take my father into the city to go to main VA facility ER to get BP meds. This was around 5-6pm this evening and I agree that I'll be taking my dad up to the ER. But after home nurse leaves, my father and I get into argument (he was grouchy all day, was rude and yelled at me in front of home nurse, and has just been an angry dude for few days now) and he goes into his room, locks the door, and turns out the lights. :-/

I guess I'll try to take him into the ER tomorrow for the needed meds. His BP was 187/96 and I am definitely concerned for him, but he has these days where he is so ornery and it's too much to take on those days that I am a slave to his needs and also his object to verbally abuse. I think more and more all the time about leaving here. The home nurse said that my father needs more oversight, that weekly home nurse visits are needed. I agree 100%! I've been trying to tell my father's PCP docs this for years but they don't get it that he is actually posing some danger to himself and doesn't seem to be able to complete the tasks of taking his meds as directed, using his inhaler, changing his catheter bag, keeping the cath clean, etc. He either doesn't care or his basic medical responsibilities are too confusing to him and I've never really decided which is the case - maybe a bit of both. This is a man with a bad, phlegmy cough, a COPD diagnosis, and still smokes daily after countless warnings from nurses and doctors that continuing to smoke will dramatically shorten his life.

Talked to my ex boyfriend (on and off 12 yr relationship) tonight for awhile about what I am going to do. What my options are, what are some ideas for a plan... He is one of the most level headed people I've ever known and I'm grateful that he remains a friend. And anyway, the only thing we concluded after an hour of talking about different possibilities is that I need to get my hair done and take a train into the city and take myself to lunch. :-) He's right. I'm completely falling into the abyss of giving up because my daily existence is frustrating and I have no answers for the future. The best thing I can do right now is to invest in feeling positive and good about myself again and then I can figure a workable plan. That's the idea, anyway.

Rambling thoughts. It's good to be posting. Big hugs to all.

***oops Im still messed up... sorry bout spelling

*** oh I after I said go ahead to me son he just just uh and I went to my room and just cried my eyes out. For 2 days I told my dad to care for everyone I can, I could barely get out of bed. It was h*ll trying to get to my grandpas I was so out of it. I begged over and over quitly "please dont need me please dont need me please dont need me" I told my friends to stay out of my life as well as other so called neighbors and family members because not only what good are some of them what good am I? Well, I dont know where Im at, Im just a zombie I feel like its takes every effort to get up and force myself to do anything. .... So much more drama happened but I said enough

Jen813,

Welcome to our thread.
Many of us here with a very similar background, of the responsible child,
and mother/father favoring the others. I have the very same dynamics in my family. This sounds like a very interesting book.

O.K., do come back and join us, it's a great community.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

After my post I lost it.. literally. When my son told me he wanted me dead again and hed kill me, I told him go ahead. Im blamed for everything from almost everyone and just am mentally and almost physically done. The list of caregiver burnout, Yeah I checked ALL of them off. I love helping people but not when I get beat down.

Almost a good day today then BAM!!! Grandpas old caregiver who was paid to take him to an appt had to leave him there counting on my dad getting him who is on the other side of town messing with papers for heart surgery for a defibrillator/pacemaker in the morning( grandpa says thats not heart surgery)( the person she cares for was throwing up and very ill and had to go to the hospital she said). So my dad rushed home to get him picked up and dropped off. Luckily they didnt admit dad today. Im not driving right now but besides that we only have one car to use. Add when grandpa went to E.R. Friday the old caretaker took him and grandpa said for HER to make the appt for this week for a followup from that for his legs. She has to take him because again, my dad will be in the hospital and isnt suppose to drive until 2 weeks. Hes mad about his appts being in the 2 weeks dad cant drive and he has to pay someone. Well, I know hes trying to save as he says for us but he needs to worry about him! Use it on rides and clothes and help for himself!!!! Im applying for a job tonight but mentally idk if I can do this, but mentally if I dont there's only one direction I will go. But we dont know if she made it and he said meanly" whos my caretaker you are" Ummm,,,, Yes, but Im not suppose to be 24/7!!! I know Im family but when I cant take him and dont know her schedule and he said for her to call then denies it! He keeps calling yelling at us saying he has no one to take him( he wont hire permanent people to take him!!!) and that he has to be there Friday well yes a followup that someone schedules an appt with but again....Well dad said he will cancel his heart surgery so he can get grandpa to his appt and grandpa hung up on him! I mean omg!

Lets add my sis is coming home supposedly tomorrow and her room isnt ready which is actually my room which is a storage room at the minute since Im at grandpas. Add one of my friends kinda family in law, is having serious issues in her life, my kids are fighting, no job and I got my flu shot and it makes me soo tired but yet I have so much to do!!!

I love you all and hope you all are doing well, I been reading and I hope everyones health issues, moms, dads, etc get better. Sorry about all your family issues for those who are having them...

Sharynmarie,

Oh! She's absolutely adorable. I do wish we could share the pictures.
The best way I can describe her, is she looks like a little smurf, in that little body suit babies wear ( is that what they're called? ). I'll bet Ethan and Logan are real handsome! What a sweet picture you told about your son-in-law, and daughter the way they are handling the first moments of being parents, taking turns with their shifts.

Hope your arm situation is calming down, too. I woke up today, and I felt like I was itching. I had to think about everything I ate yesterday, because sometimes I have been allergic to this, that and the other. But then it went away.
I did overdo the sun thing a day ago, I Feng Shued some plants that needed a hair cut. Maybe that irritated my skin, maybe some of the debris that was flying as I cut, cut, cut. It was cathartic, so I loved it! HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Kazz, this happens in my family too. TS#1 will call and Mom will start going on about something. Rather than trying to redirect, #1, will feed her delusions. TS#1 stayed a weekend a couple of months ago, and of course, everything went fine and they had a wonderful time! HMMPH! When these things happen, yes, #1 is feeding Mom's bad feelings about me in that moment, but it is #1's way to relieve her guilt for not being more involved. And Mom, forgets these conversations quickly.

It may help to just let them have their conversations. If you have the equivilent of Adult Protective Services I would have them come an do an evaluation. You should definitely consider a Geriatric Care Manager, then you will have an impartial third party to help with the situation. They will prepare reports and document your excellent care of your Mum.

I cannot imagine 10 days off. That would be wonderful. I hope you had fun and did some things very good for you!

Emjo, I must apologise immediately - I certainly, as you say, did NOT mean to sound angry at you! Outraged, possibly. It's outrageous that you end up out of pocket! But, yes, as you also say, whatever system works well for you.

Humph. I hope you get every penny back, that's all I can say (grumpy, not angry).

Hi everyone!

Mum is out of hospital since last thursday i didnt pick her up as i had apt so brother went so i dont know anything as im sure brother just picked her up and dropped her home then sister arrived from paris so ive been away this wkend staying with a friend went out on saturday for a meal as it was my birthday yikes 49yrs old now!!

anyway while i was in with mum last wk she said "i told the docs that you keep telling me i have dementia????" NEVER have i ever said dementia to her? i really dont know where this is coming from but will find out? did the doc or nurses say this to her OR did my stupid brother say this? anyway im back home now since yesterday and sister gone back so nothing has changed mums home said she collapsed from stress and of course its my fault?? sister spoke to a diabetic nurse who is now calling 3x times a wk to check her bloods and told her that mum had a bad hypo? i dont know when this nurse is calling again but i will be having words with her.

I am so sick of mum now and her lies and blaming me for everything also brother and sister seem to be talking with mum and keeping things from me?

I just had sister on phone and she said mum was FINE all wkend? sis says she seems motivated to look after herself now???????? am so done with this crap mum will be back to her normal ways soon shes just weak and not eating much but as usual that will change. I am so mad with sister as she didnt want to talk much about mum so here we are again everything dumped on me again!

I will now try and see mums shrink as i am not staying here to be abused and have lies told about me.

my sister just spoke to mum on the phone and as usual i listen at the door! mum said "i will call you on wednesday night as SHES not here??" my blood is boiling! so mum calls her when im out? my sister is being very two faced and obviously talking about me behind my back to mum so i need to have this out with her?

am so fed up now and just want mums docs involved here right now i hate her and the lies she telling everyone i couldnt careless what mum says its others believing her that piss me off!

I can see myself walking away from this and family no matter what happens i get no support and things just go back to nothing being resolved?

I will do this alone and get in touch with mums shrink whether she does something or not at least i have told her my concerns.

Right now i feel like walking out the door mum saying how good my sister and brother were this wkend?? enough to drive you mad.

Yep im the bitch and the baddie this family are soooooooo going to have to wake up when i leave here.

Hope everyone is good! Emjo i hear ya with the storage once you start there will be something else she wants!
Jen welcome! youve come to the right place everyone on here has thier heads screwed on its the FAMILY that are nuts!!! I must be the only normal one in my family so thats pretty lonely!!

welcome jen - looks like you fit in here pretty well with dysfunctional parent(s) and sibs) . It does make caregiving that much harder. The old patterns and feelings surface, the lack of appreciation the blaming etc. Boundaries are essential as is support. Detaching really helps though it isn't easy, and counselling/therapy, to me, is essential somewhere along the way. The book looks interesting. Not sure how healthy family dynamics can get with unhealthy family members, but we, individually, surely can get healthier.

Margeaux -I was thinking of Adult Protective services, but an evaluation by social services may be better. Sometimes it has to get worse before an intervention.

cm - you sound angry - not at me. I have explained my plan and will continue with it. It is what works best for me.

The SW called again today and mother needs a winter coat - NOW!!! SW did explain to mother that her things are in storage and very difficult to get at. Mother thanked her for the explanation and said "Then it is not just Joan being difficult". Oh dear. I know that she and my sister have discussed at length over the years how difficult I am. Not that they ever are!!! Gary, bless him, said he could get a coat out of storage, but I don't want to start, as mother will then want this, and that, and the next thing out of storage, and it won't end. I suggested that they take her shopping to buy a warm jacket or shorter coat as she has 2 long ones. I have absolutely no idea what kind of winter jacket/coat she would wear so I would never buy one for her. She went to the hospital in February and I would have thought that whatever she wore then would do. She wants to return some of what she bought on Friday anyway, no surprise, so she can buy a coat then.

According to SW, mother says she has called me several times, but I have not answered. I have not received any calls from the hospital from mother have answered all I have received. SW thinks she has misdialed which is possible. The nursing station called my cell the other day, looking for my sisters phone number and I missed it. They left no message but called my daughter who relayed the message to me. I should give them my land line number. I am much more likely to get that.

Got my TSH test this morning, will get hair cut and colour later this afternoon, made out my packing list, going to mail off some of mothers clothing on the way. Yesterday, my oldest grandson and I did a little outside clean up for winter, and also inside cleaning and moving some things to the basement, then I took him out for supper. He will check the house while we are away, clean the frig, water the plants and take in the mail. The day before I finally washed down my cupboard fronts in the kitchen. It was less work that I thought it would be, thankfully. Laundry is caught up except for some things which need to be put away. So nice to have some energy again.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you.

Here is a book I just found. Haven't read it yet. I just ordered it.

Taking Care of Parents Who Didn't Take Care of You: Making Peace with Aging Parents by Eleanor Cade

Caring for aging parents is difficult--it's exhausting, expensive, time-consuming, and under appreciated. And that's under the best of circumstances, when the caregiver loves and respects his or her aging parent. What happens when adult children are asked to care for elderly parents who were abusive, neglectful, or absent?
Here is a compassionate and practical guide to facing the psychological and emotional issues that arise when caring for aging parents. Eleanor Cade offers sound advice as well as personal accounts from individuals who have made the choice to care for difficult parents. The result is a powerful guide to moving beyond feelings of anger, regret, and grief in order to build healthy new family dynamics based on decency and mercy.

Target audience
For individuals who are caring for aging, dysfunctional parents, as well as counselors and therapists who work with families

Features

an authoritative resource for baby boomers caring for aging parents
defines differences between "normal" and "dysfunctional" families
personal stories validate the experiences and feelings of readers

Thank you for this topic. Desperately need it. If it was just caring for mom it would be easier. But coming back at 60 (now 63) I have come back to the dysfunction I left at 17 rs. old. Although I live in a separate apartment in the same family home it is still very difficult. I did not realize the extent of the dysfunction until I came back to care for her.My brother, 59 yrs. old never left home. He has an addiction problem. Mom enables, caters and defends him. There is another sibling but he made sure he stayed far away (lives in Spain). I do see a psychotherapist once per week. Learning to set strong boundaries while still caring for mom. Both mom and brother create problems. Trying to detach with love. All responsibility is on me. Learning to delegate where I can. I'm taking care of mom's meds, doctor appts, finances, home repair, groceries, my business, my personal life, my medical concerns (being evaluated for rheumatoid arthritis). Mom has always taken me for granted because I have been "the responsible one". She was never there for me (when my verbally abusive dad was abusing me, when my critical brother criticized me she defended him, when my drug addicted brother manipulated to get what he wanted she defended him against me). I am hurt and disappointed in my mother. I am trying to come to terms with all this while still caring for her. That is why I am reaching out now. Thank you.