The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Alison,

Thank you so much for commenting on the situation about my friend.
Well there is way more to this story, of course. The POA son lives very far away, and hardly checks in on the mother. My gf has an alcoholic sister who has moved in with the mother twice in the last 1.5 year, and stolen money from her own mom.

The mother is a real piece of work too....since she puts pressure on this 86 yr. old boyfriend of hers to take her places, even aside of just doctor's appointments.
A few years back, the boyfriend used to take her out on long rides. He used to take her to places such as Laughlin where seniors like to go to the casinos. But in the last year......the boyfriend's daughter moved in w/him partly because his daughter lost her home, and was having some of her own health problems. Well when she moved in w/her father, his own daughter came into the reality of how much on the aging path her own father is currently in now. His daughter is doing way better now in terms of her own health, and is cooking and trying to watch out for her stubborn dad. He's had some serious health concerns of his own, I believe one had to do w/prostate, then he'd recently had some kind of skin cancer. Of course, her dad wants to act like the macho man, still insists on driving, (which I suspect can't be for too long). But meanwhile my gf's mom,
has him wrapped around her finger, but both my gf, and his daughter are in agreement that her mom's beau is past his time to be the one watching out for this lady.

My gf even told me that the weekend right after her mother had landed in the ER, for constipation one time, the day after she was released, my gf found out that her mom convinced the boyfriend to take her to some cherry festival out in the desert near to where they live. Now this lady doesn't like to drink water, it's a combination of two stubborn elders losing independence, but there are also plenty of signs that my gf's mom doesn't seem to be making sound decisions for herself, anymore. The story of the mom allowing the alcoholic sister into her house, boy does that ever have a drama filled story w/it also. This sister came in and apparently stayed there, (but when she's there she never helps) only there because she's a hair away from being homeless, that type of thing. Then she apparently stole money from her mom, or jewelry. The mom I guess threw her out. But you see, at the bottom of this......is their brother who doesn't care at all, the POA. So there's definitely some elder abuse going on here big time.

So you can imagine, because of all of this kind of dysfunction, and then the mother even when my gf, went their recently and gave her mom the herbs which helped the woman, gf didn't leave w/o her mother being rude, and having some old narcissistic behaviors surface. When this happens, it's always goes back to my friend having been a terrible daughter to her mom. The truth is the exact opposite, so my friend after driving there over 100 miles to do this for the mom left and has only had a little phone contact with her. It's a very difficult situation,
no doubt.

Thank you very much, though.....I'll be in touch w/her later
and I'll let you know what develops.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux - about your gf that is worried about her mom's current state... because the gf lives far away from the mother, I don't know of any other way to instigate a general welfare check by a social worker unless the gf reports suspicion of negligence or lack of proper care to her mother's state's Dept of Aging. And gf would want to be very specific about why there is cause for concern. I'm not sure, but wondering if multiple hospital visits would count as neglect... because the idea is - the mom IS getting medical care. Mom may be declining, but there isn't neglect necessarily, unless I'm missing something? Ideally, gf would take a trip to visit in person and get a gauge on the situation. When she's there with mom, she can find out the local Elder Abuse office and go in and put them on alert about her mother and they can assign a social worker to do some follow up welfare checks.

Those are my thoughts. Hugs.

Sharyn your mother's chin would surprise me (ask a dermatologist) but your arm sounds about right. I'd get your mother checked out anyway, because although it could be, for example, some other kind of herpes infection it could also be all kinds of other things. Has a steroid ointment been tried on it? I know we try to avoid them (I agree!) but short-term they can be very effective. Don't do anything without consulting her medics, of course (I know you wouldn't anyway).

I am wondering, if anyone has info regarding this....is it possible that Shingles shows up along nerve pathways that are weakened from other conditions. I ask this because my mother got Shingles on her chin...an area that she had repeated outbreaks of fever blisters and I seem to have got Shingles on my right arm...which I have pinched nerve and issues with tendonitis?

I think the mystery is solved.....today I noticed the bigger of the 2 areas is crusty looking like a fever blister..so I am sticking with the diagnoses of Shingles and continuing the Veltrex but not the prednisone as I don't have pain that warrants it's use.

Margeaux~I can only imagine how cute your grand niece is..a real beauty I am sure. Too bad we can't share pics on here that are secured.

Sorry everyone: My first cup of Java, not awake.

"each of us brings up something new." DUHHH!

Margeaux

Glad,

That situation with your grand daughter must have been quite alarming, but it was very good to hear, nothing happened.

Yes, as we try to unravel what is going on with Sharynmarie.......interesting how each of us brings up something knew. When I mentioned the gloves, I was referring more to them in the way of not wearing any, thereby possibly being splashed w/the oil, or some kind of cleaner used to degrease the equipment. So in that case....the irritation maybe having been caused by that. So you bring up a very good point about gloves, replacement etc.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn, Margeaux has a very good thought mentioning irritation from the rubber gloves used on cleaning the fryer. When is the last time those gloves were replaced? I have a sensitivity to rubber gloves or the lining in them or something. I have to be very careful to replace rubber gloves frequently. Did you know that the least bit of dampness in the gloves could cause mold to develop?

When I am exposed to the whatever it is I develop a prickley type rash on my hands. I should have thought about this earlier, but I do not use gloves often around here. Cleanup is usually minimal.

Emjo stop subsidising your mother AT ONCE! I'm horrified. Promise me you'll at least collate all receipts and, in the fullness of time, write yourself a cheque.

Sharyn, shingles comes out in 'bands' of rash - if you Google it (dear old Google!) you'll be able to find images of what these look like. The point being that the rash follows a particular nerve highway, such as across the abdomen, over one eye, or down from the armpit. The pain is like a nasty bruise, or even a deep abscess, followed (as you said) by the rash. Once you've had it, you know it - I don't think you can really mistake anything else for it. You're very wise to finish your course of treatment, which could well have suppressed what would have been a nastier attack. And then take care of yourself! Don't forget that the virus stays put forever (we've most of us got it) then takes advantage when you're at a really low ebb. But fingers crossed it sounds as if you're out of the woods - well done you.

Sharynmarie,

If you are not absolutely sure it is Shingles, do you think that it could be irritation from the hot oil. Do you wear gloves when you are cleaning the fryer? Maybe some oil even in micro splotches hit the skin, and caused some irritation.
Also, have you considered it could even be caused by the cleaner, soap whatever is used to clean it? Some of these chemicals used to clean kitchen equipment is very, very harsh. Just a thought.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I have a friend who is really having a hard time.
She comes from a super dysfunctional family. She is the eldest, was the Cinderella, scapegoat in the family. She took care of her siblings, with little to no thank you from her mother. All her mom ever did was berate her, physically and psychologically abuse her. So she distanced herself from the mom, a long time ago. She lives quite far from the mother.

So her mom appointed my friends brother, the next sibling younger than her, to be her POA. A lot of info is rather murky, since my friend has been estranged from the rest of her siblings.

So now the mom is in her 80's, lives far from all of her kids. She's diabetic.
Very recently, my friend has been in touch with this woman by phone, but minimally. Well her mom, has been sent to the ER in the last few mos., about 5 times, maybe more for constipation. About a month ago, my friend went to her mom's w/some herbs in tow, gave them to her, and they worked, the lady was relieved. But my friend has heard that her mom, still made 2 more visits to the ER, after that visit, so obviously things are becoming very serious w/her mom's health.

All her mom wants to do is eat in restaurants, doesn't cook whatsoever for herself anymore. She doesn't drive anymore, but has an 86 yr. old boyfriend who lives around the block from her. He's the one who's been taking her almost on a daily basis to eat out somewhere. He of course, has his own health problems, and his daughter lives with him. His daughter is in touch w/my gf, and tells her what's been happening w/her mom, since the mom hides lots of info. from my gf, (her daughter). The boyfriend still drives, and he's been the one seeing to it that my gf's mom gets to her docs appointments, etc. The POA son doesn't do anything for his mom. He only shows up here and there, also lives very far from the mom,
but pretty much there's lots of neglect.

Anyway, my friend called me tonight, quite upset. Even though she and her mom don't have the best relationship, she's becoming increasingly concerned about what's been developing there. Add to this, the boyfriend's daughter told my friend, that her dad was about to call my friend's bro, the POA, and have a talk w/him about how he couldn't be the one caring for their mom, since he's too old now, his driving is getting very iffy, and his own health.

I'd told my friend awhile back about how I'd read posts here concerning, calling Department of Social Services, to report that there is neglect of an elder going on.
She fears that possibly her mother could get in such a weakened condition, since she keeps getting constipated. There's really no one there, such as a caregiver, other than her boyfriend. But he can't do much.

So my question is, if anyone knows, what service/office should my friend contact?
I was thinking my friend could explain the situation, and that her brother legally being in charge.....isn't doing anything, so there is some serious neglect gong on here.

I just want to help her out, because she's really stressing out about this.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Judd~Thanks for the info. I am not convince this is Shingles because it only broke out on Wednesday...2 small areas with bumpy appearance and burning. Then my arm started to hurt about 6 hours later especially from the elbow to wrist which is the area where the 2 areas are located. The blister looking bumps are healed over today..no oozing for fluid. My elbow is a little sore still but other than that nothing, even after working and using my arm all day. If it is Shingles, it is a very very mild outbreak.

I am already taking vitamin B complex with vitamin C and Calcium w/magnesium/zinc. The Calcium I am going change to something with Vitamin
D in it.

My mother used to get bad fever blisters on her chin, big ones that covered her whole chin...this was back in the 80's. She started taking L-Lysine for it and it worked as long as she took it daily. By the late 90's she quit taking and was fine without it. Then about 6-8 months ago she broke out with a big one on her chin again. Urging from the memory care, I took her to the dr almost a week after the outbreak and doc said it was Shingles. Too late for meds...same dr I go to. I was under a lot of stress while in Idaho especially when my daughter hemorrhaged losing 2 liters of blood and her bp dropped to 70/29. I guess I will continue taking the antiviral just to follow through on it now that I started. I see no point in taking the prednisone.

Juddabuddhaboo,

I'm so happy for you that your mom has been placed in a senior home that sounds very good for the both of you. Proof that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.
Have a great time adjusting to the new life you have now, really happy, happy for you!

This is great advice, about how your mom got rid of Shingles also.
Yes, there are lots of holistic therapies, for otherwise what the medical community would otherwise love to issue pharmaceuticals to people. Sure, sometimes it could take a bit longer, and require for people to do things such as abstinence, or detox, but if people commit themselves to this, it many times can be very beneficial in the long run, too.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book,

Thank you. I got a few more pictures, and she is very cute, oh I know all babies are.
How great that you can do this with your nieces/nephews, and then return them to their parents, too! HAAH! I hope one day I can do something like this. The only thing is though, that right now since it's my sister's first grandkids, and the daughter is relatively knew to being a mother, they are being somewhat on the possessive side, too. These babies are too little also, there's all that going on.
Maybe when they are older.

How are you doing, and how is your father?

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Ah, another great day: I am treating myself to yoga classes at a new place and I LOVE it! So relaxing that afterwards I was utterly blissful. I felt some apprehension because I was to spend the rest of the day with Mom taking her shopping at Savers. she wanted something there that I thought would not fit in my care, and I gave her some static about it which she then reacted to with her usual junk. Turns out it did fit in the car and I went back in to buy a beautiful bedspread/quilt. We were both very pleased. I invited her over for dinner, which she loved, and then brought her home with her new table and chair for her art corner in her new apartment. We both had a nice day. I realized I might be able to relax more and more with her knowing she is happy and is finding new people to entertain her and to ask favors of. She's living in a senior complex and just met a handsome old guy who is married but his wife has Alz and is in a nursing home.

Now that I am making enough money and have more time freed up I am getting my teeth cared for better, and saw my MD, Naturopath, bought some supplements for getting my hormones back in balance. 61 and welcoming my present. Whew!
What a difference a year makes! Just getting Mom into a different living situation changed my life, health and economic situation.
I am aware that at 93 things will still change for Mom, but for now I can catch up with my life after being on edge and miserable for three years (which felt like 10).
At dinner Mom and I talked about all the things that we were grateful for.
Progress and peace. Wishing you all the best.

Sharynmarie: My Mom had shingles once and eliminated it in about 2 weeks with a natural supplement called Lysine. She also was juicing and using a lot of garlic. She was in her 80s then. Find fast, inexpensive, and healthier ways to cope: see this link, for example:

ttp://healthwyze.org/index.php/component/content/article/370-how-to-eliminate-shingles-quickly-and-naturally-using-alternative-holistic-methods.html

Margeaux, congratulations on having a new member to the family, a pretty niece. I always tend to 'borrow' my nieces/nephews when they're past the terrible twos. I take them out to do some light shopping (toy store or clothing store) and then to the children's playroom and lunch. Once they begin to get restless, it's time to drop them back home. =)

Emjo, what really bugs me about Amazon is that these sellers would say "international" shipping. Then when I get to processing the order, I find out: 1. They do not actually do international shipping or.. 2. They charge like over $30 or $40 shipping! What a rip-off! I then go to Ebay. If I find a seller who only ships to the USA, I send them a message asking if they're willing to accept orders from me - and how much I'm willing to pay for shipping. Most of the times, they agree. Others refuse. Those who refuse - tell me that they don't have time to line up at the post office and fill out the US Customs Form.

I am even wondering if I really have singles. The bigger of the 2 spots is already healed over. My arm does not hurt today and not taking prednisone.

The pic is on my profile page from about sept.4th.

I went for a physical about mid-summer. It was my first time seeing this doctor, actually first time seeing a doctor in awhile, since I was just recently inscribed into my husband's insurance. They did some blood work, blood pressure, etc.
Then this doctor says to me that she could give me the flu shot, etc. She then told me they had what she referred to as a cocktail shot, which was the flu,
shingles, and one more that I don't even remember. That freaked me out, and I told her that I'd never ever heard of this, and I preferred to do some research regarding this. It sounded to me like something out of science fiction.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I'm so sorry about the Shingles. I've known people from various age groups that have had them. Yes, and it's correct, I can't remember who wrote exactly the fact they can affect anyone, of course whose had the chicken pox, after and injury or infection, when the body goes into overdrive concerning the immune system.
It is apparently a nerve type of affliction. I had a friend in her mid 30's have them two years ago. I don't think she had had a vaccination. But her doctor ordered her to some very specific nutrition, such as cooking her own food, high vitamin B's, and C's, and getting on a regular sleep regimen. I believe even though people get a vac., we should also be insuring that our bodies don't become so stressed, that it still may become so depleted, where immunity is very low, hence people can get them. I have heard of a couple people, that despite having had a vaccine, later got them, too. I know you have been under quite a bit of stress these past mos., and have had some very big events in your life.
You're in my thoughts for a good recovery.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Carring, the description of your SIL fits the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder very well. She can't be changed except for going through years of therapy, and that consistently which many don't do. However, you can set boundaries with her which includes concrete consequences for when they break those boundaries.

There are many on this site who are dealing with a relative who has borderline personality disorder. I recommend to you and your husband the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells and its workbook.

If you do a search of the site using the word borderline, you will find a list that might be helpful.

I pray that everything does work out for the best.

My husband and I have been having a very stressful time in our lives recently! His mother, who is 91, is in an assisted living facility and his sister has been interfering with her care! She is mentally ill and is very difficult to get along with! We're not quite sure what kind of mental illness that my husband's sister has, but she was diagnosed with a personality disorder when she was younger. If she does anything wrong to anyone, she doesn't take the responsibility to admit that she was at fault. Instead she blames the other person she has wronged, even though they are innocent! She has recently accused the assisted living facility where her mother is residing, of elder abuse. She has even reported them to the elder abuse agency! So in response to that the assisted living facility has hired a lawyer and my husband and his brother and I have had some meetings with this lawyer to possibly get a restraining order against my sister-in-law. We don't know how much longer my mother-in-law is going to be with us, but I feel that at this stage of her life she shouldn't have to experience anything that would disrupt her peace and cause her any stress. What I have observed everytime I've visited my mother-in-law, is that she has been getting very good care! I guess eventually the whole truth will come out. Right now it's just my sister-in-law's word against theirs! She does have a tendency to go over board! I do understand her concern for her mother's care. We have even discussed the possibility of having supervised visits with her where her mother is residing! I hope and pray that everything will work out for the best for everyone concerned! From, Mary

cm - tut tut lol. No, I have never thought of that, I would probably fall before she did. In any case she has very solid bones and wouldn't break anything even if she did fall. Aged 90, she tripped on a tree root when out for a walk, went down like a log, hit her head on a gravel path and didn't suffer anything except her head felt a little funny for a while. Last year she tipped her chair over, said it was her fault, banged her head, went to the ER - no injuries. Thanks for the offer. I think I have found some nighties that can be sent here. HER money - all this is MY money!!! Why? Because I don't know what she will or will not wear, and I will give away what she doesn't wear. At present, I can only write cheques off her account and that doesn't work for online. Yes, I could reimburse myself, but my book keeping/receipt system is not properly set up for mother. The basement flood, then moving mother out of her apartment then me getting the infection flareup really knocked out my plans. Also my sib is waiting in the wings to pounce on any real or imagined indiscretion by me. I think I can use mother's Visa card, but want to wait till she is declared incompetent, and get her ATM card as well. This should happen before Christmas. I am considering this clothing gifts for this year and a few years ahead.

glad - once I asked a friend in the US if I could have something delivered to her and if she would pass it on to me. It worked fine, then I sent her the cost of postage by money order. She didn't mind doing it, but I hesitate to lean on people for that. As I said, I think I have found a place that will ship to Canada. I have to find out if they accept Canadian Visa - most do but the odd one doesn't. Guam????

judd - that is awesome!!! Hope it continues it work well. Sounds like you had a lovely day. :) The stress does slowly decrease.

Everyone is getting the shingles shot. I better ask my doc for it. Never had a doc suggest it yet and I am certainly old enough!!!

Margeaux - they want 7 outfits washable in hot washer and hot dryer. Nothing she brought with her fits that. I don't know what she is wearing of what I have sent so far. They keep asking me for this and that. The other day I talked with the social worker and she said with what I am sending, mother should have enough for a while. A while???? I would have thought a number of years. She will get her regular clothes out of storage when she moves. I suppose the hot washer and dryer wrecks your clothing, so it will not last as long. I always use warm/cool or cool/cool when I am washing. My sons did NOT see my sis in that nighty. I made sure they did not!!! Yeah, carbs do make me sluggish. I have put on a few lbs. with the infection, as the coconut milk yogurt which has a good probiotic has sugar in it and I can't get a sugarless version here. Happened before from change of diet and lack of exercise. I have to take the lbs. off now, and get some walking in. Need to get my thyroid checked again too as that could be part of it. Margeaux - so nice about a new baby. They always cheer a person up.

cm - shingles is very nasty. I think stress may bring it on sometimes, though on that account I could have gotten it by now. I know a couple of people who got the neuralgia - it was awful.

Another call from the SW. Mother was taken shopping and bought herself a few things. Yay!!! Mother wanted to talk to my sis, so the SW called sis and asked her to call mother. Sis was hesitant. The nursing unit allowed mother to call sis overseas from there, so who knows what games will transpire now. I appreciate the "heads up" from the SW on that.

Here we are having lovely fall weather - cool, lots of sunshine and a little rain. We have booked a couple of extra days in the east and will drive around close to my old stamping grounds to see the fall colouring. I am really looking forward to that. Next week I have to get stuff ready and book my grandson to come over and collect the mail, water the plants and clean out my frig. Middle son came over and got the stuff for the garage sale. I even gave him my sewing machine. Haven't used it in years and someone one may as well. G wanted to keep it to hem his pants. I said forget it - take them to the cleaners. All this is spurring G on to clean out the garage and organize his things. I am not holding my breath, but am hopeful.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. ((((((((Hugs))))))) and do something god for you.

Sharyn - happy your daughter is doing well. Her hubs IS attentive. Is the pic posted in your page? Hope your hubs is feeling better. Shingles ouch! They can give an antiviral is it is bad enough Sounds like yours isn't. Hope you heal quickly.

book - ordering from the US is a pain sometimes Amazon. com will send us some things and not others. Amazon.ca does not have the same items as .com and you don't know till you have gone through most of the ordering process what they will or will not send. Over all it is a benefit but not without hitches. Health is improving. I just have to catch this infection earlier when it flares up. The signals are fatigue, which could be thyroid, and sweats which pretty well are only the infection, so have to start meds when I start sweats.

Alison you do sound perkier which is great. I expect the hormones were part of it. If you can't make a plan can you set some goals - specific ones - for yourself? That is a healthy thing to do and then you know what your plan has to accomplish. Sounds like too many appointments to me.

Michelle - what a jerk! Lots of us here would believe as we have "evil" sibs too. Just keep reading. I am POA for my mother and my sis accused me of having a vested interest in mother's demise, I am the one who does things for mother, sis won't lift a finger. I doubt he will change much if at all. Look after you.

veronica - good sense.

will start another post so I don't lose this one

Book, here in the UK the NHS is vaccinating people by age cohort, so they've started with 77, 78 and 79 year olds - humph! I was grumbling about it to my scientist brother yesterday, and he paused for thought then said they were probably aiming to get the people with the greatest vulnerability PLUS the least exposure - so the older you are, the more likely you are to have encountered it before and have your own antibodies, and the younger you are the less likely you are to suffer the worst effects, and they've jumped into the middle of the intersection between those groups - it's a complicated cost/benefit analysis, they're not just doing it to annoy me! It makes sense, but I'm still grumpy.

The other thing I've noticed over time is that shingles often seems to erupt in people who've recently had an injury or surgery. Presumably it's got something to do with your immune system being too busy to keep on top of your resident subclinical infections. A multivitamin to cover any gaps, plenty of gentle indoor exercise and as much laughter as possible - get some old favourite comedy shows on DVD or something - is about all you can do in the way of prevention, I think. That, and cross your fingers. And get enough sleep (ha!).

I loathe shingles like I loathe cockroaches - there's something particularly sinister and nasty about it, lurking around and kicking you when you're down. And it's *weird* - it doesn't follow any rules. My littlest got it when she was four, my SIL when she was in her fifties, and my dad after a motorbike accident in his sixties - he thought it was his broken ribs hurting and he couldn't understand why nothing eased the pain - and then the rash came out… Thank God, none of them got the post-herpetic neuralgia that can drive some people to suicide; but my neighbour did, and had to have steroid injections. Sorry Sharyn, don't mean to depress you - all the more reason to down tools and TAKE SPECIAL CARE of yourself.

Anyone can get shingles if they had chicken pox. I don't know why the medical community (or shall we say the insurance) put an age requirement for coverage. I've heard of 2 people here who had shingles. Both were females. I swear from all the news I've heard with regards to shingles - it seems prevalent among women. One person had the shingles and she said it was so painful she was crying out loud in pain. My younger sister had the shingles at age ...45. That was just last year. She had these rashes on her upper torso. She ignored it and the pain. I think she finally couldn't handle the pain and went to the ER. And found out it was shingles. I didn't even know that there's an age limit before the insurance would cover it.

Thank you Sharynmarie!
I agree.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Congrats Margeaux~~ Just love the children and babies!!

I said wouldn't post but CM made me laugh...no hugs dear!!! Here it is age 60 for shingle vaccine.