The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi everyone,

Mum still in hospital and still no word as to when shes coming out? almost a wk now and no show with docs?

I am going up tonight to see if i can get any info?

I just dont know i never get a break sis home tomorrow and mum may be in for the wkend??????? this happened before sis came home when mum was in respite? So ill bet mum is kept in sis gets to party with friends and dosnt get to look after mum at all? then they let her out when sis gone and its me again?

Anyway will know more tonight hopefully something must have happened to her maybe a clot or something but like i said i still dont know? I will ask the nurse to tell me something as im beginning to worry now?

Fligirl great your getting sis to help!! Now shell appreciate what you do!

Mums in hospital a week now and its only today ive calmed down and feel relaxed thats a whole week it takes a carer to learn to relax then just when youre relaxing a bit shell be back?

Hugs to all have no time to read ive got TV to watch!!!!!!!!!

CM~Yes, just once I would like to call her and not have her take over the conversation about herself. I do understand that her health issues are always on her mind so I do cut her slack for that but geez....lets not take on the worlds issues too, LOL!!

Margeaux~I just call her "Dr K", that should be enough for her to know enough is enough...if not...I can claim my phone died!!!

Kazza~Hope you able to get some rest and enjoy the time out while your sis takes care of business.

Fligirl~Happy your sister is stepping up to the plate.

Boogs~Sibs most commonly have become so detached from the family origin, they just don't understand or see the need to help...they have moved on.

Many things going on...first I just want to say that I am too old to play games and over the years I have had many hobbies to keep me grounded. My recent hobby has been photography....well so be it....if hubs has finally found a hobby other than tv...good for him.!!

My daughter is doing well but bp is still an issue due to the blood loss and her body having to recoup the loss.Her hubs takes the 10pm-6am shift and she has 6am-2pm then they both work together from 2-10pm. The boys have regained up to their birth weights

I had to order new scripts for my mom as the facility's pharmacy would not refill the Lexapro from the original script since it was filled through RiteAid. The dr. faxed the facility their script and we picked up another script locally so mom would not run out in the interim.

My glasses broke so I am wearing an old pair and I feel like I am walking on water....oozy feeling when looking at a distance. Appt on the 16th. Got nails filled today and off Thursday/Friday so lots to catch up on with mom and sending out baby pics to family.

Me1000~Hang in there and when you are ready to come back here, we will be here. It is true that only you can change your situation. Yes it will mean P!$$ing off family members...your choices are...how dependent are you on your family for survival ($$ and what support they offer you in helping with your children and you getting a job)....and....how attached you are to them for their approval??? Sometimes we need to decide that their approval will never come and when you realize that...you will move on easily. Hugs to you!!

fligirl -that is great you sister is willing to help-praise her to the sky let her know how helpful it is to you to have her pitch in and help

Margeaux = I have seen a lot of things that don't make sense. One is how one group won't retire, but at the same time, I've worked in places where anybody getting near 50 magically got downsized. Everybody knew that you better have your consulting resume ready to go because you were going to get the axe. But it was done in a way so nobody could claim age discrimination. It was just position elimination. And a pep talk after with the remaining staff about doing more with less. I asked one day who is Les and when can I get him on my project because we are all worked to death. ;-) I have a new colleague at work, and the company she came from expected employees to make up vacation and sick time. As in work unpaid overtime to compensate for those hours off that the company gets to count as employee compensation at tax time. She said it was normal for people to put in twice the hours they had taken off to be considered "made up". And they wonder why people unionize.

Linda22 = I never could make heads or tails of those strict feeding schedules and figure out when my bathroom break was. I just went "hippie" and fed the baby when it was hungry. That was about as complicated as my mommy brain could handle at the time.

Fligirl = Miracles do happen sometimes I guess!

Emjo = how are you doing? You're too quiet! Miss you!

Sharyn = Baby report! Are they sleeping oK? How are they eating? How's your daughter feeling?

Glad, Countrymouse = hope all is well and if not well then at least tolerable!

Kazzaa = how goes the battle? Have you stormed the castle yet?

I hope everyone is taking care. We did a health screening fair at work today and I got my giant blinking neon sign from the universe to lose weight or I'm going to end up with the same health problems as my mom and I can NOT have that.

Fligirl, WONDERFUL! I have a couple of phone number for you if you think your sis would call my two twisted sisters and have a chat with them. But you shouldn't press your luck. LOL!!

Fligirl that is a RESULT!!! Long may her sleeves stay rolled up! Really happy for you that she's joined the team :)

I have talked about my nasty sister a lot on here. Well maybe there is hope. She drove up from San Diego yesterday and took my mom to the pain management doctor because I am done with this. The doc actually put her on a 25 mg fentenyl patch in addition to her 6 oxys a day. Could not believe it and he wants mom to get another x ray and mri and sis said that she would come up and take her to the doc to get the results! What happened to my sister and where has she gone. lol. I am not complaining at all, I am very appreciative.

sandwich, I think the oddest feeding theory I've seen was about 8 years ago. The mom was nursing exactly 11 minutes, on exact 3 hour schedule. No leeway for a sleeping baby or a child still being hungry. She even woke the baby up to feed her. I am surprised that the mom you mention wasn't told about honey and small ones.

Even with all the crap there is to deal with, I choose to be happy (most of the time!) It's work to be happy. Happy is not easy at all. Happy takes a heck of a lot of purpose.

Sharynmarie - feeding "rules" have changed a lot since I had mine 15 & 13 years ago. I just tell new moms to follow their instincts and never ever ever disparage that little inside voice. Our son didn't sleep hardly at all. He was mad about being born and didn't get over it for years. I thought I was in a test of human endurance based on long periods of no sleep. Jet lag was nothing compared to this. My husband - out of sheer desperation - made him a cereal bottle with baby rice flakes, formula, applesauce. It was like a warm slurry. He cut an X in the bottle nipple. I about had a stroke and sideways cow when I found him feeding this to our son. At that time, cereals were to wait until 6 months and you started with rice, then oatmeal, then on to one vegetable at a time. Ceral & applesauce together were breaking ALL the rules! I'm pretty sure I screamed "WHATAREYOUDOING!" at him.

I had to eat crow on that one because our baby slept for 6 hours in a row for the first time in his little 4 months of life. I capitualted because sleep was good. It was the first of many parenting decisions that felt wrong. As he got older, we thickened it up until he stopped the bedtime feeding and had gone totally to solids. My husband happily shares "the recipe" when he comes across somebody with a new baby. It's funny.

I found my MIL giving him diet coke and cake frosting at 9 months. WHATAREYOUDOING!!!

The last baby born in the family 3 years ago was fed using the "whatever she likes" method, per the pediatrician. I couldn't believe it. That mom hadn't been told to steer clear of honey, corn, nuts, or the other allergens I had been sternly warned about putting into my kids too early. There was no order to introducing new foods. WHATAREYOUDOING!!!!

Emjo,

So happy to see you posting again, and good that your health is improving!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sandwich,

Many baby boomers lost jobs, because of past presidents cutting budgets. This happened to me a couple of times. I know of situations also where companies were bought out, then the new owners do not honor the senority system whatsoever, so old employees have to start at the bottom. The other thing at least I know in my situation.......is, once the computer age took over, many of us, who were in office jobs, using a typewriter.......well guess what, some of us got the ax. Lucky if you were part of a company who retrained their employees. Lot's of things change over the years, it can be for different reasons, but we all have experienced this, too.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

WOW! You had a conversation with an expert of sorts! HAAH!
She's just trying to rain on your parade, shame on her.
If she tries this again, please tell her to stop it.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Good for YOU, KAZZ! Stand your ground

thanks guys! and stiegman i have just googled "phlebitis" i wouldnt be surprised if she has this now as its caused by "inactivity". I wont go up today need a break brother will go tonight! i will go in the morning and try again to catch her doctor? this hospital is so busy its scary! nurses and staff are just stressed to the max so i dont like to bother them! No point in asking nurses anything they dont seem to be allowed to comment? But mum seems in good form like i said loving the attention! I told her that this time is her last chance IF she dosnt hand over all meds to me and i supervise them from now on then she will have to go into a home? she laughed and said "ha i cant afford a home and neither can you?" thats what she thinks! so will be going to put her name down next week as i know once shes out she will start to mess up her meds again! Nothing scares her now absolutely nothing before she would have been putty in my hands but as weak as she is shes still adamant that noone tells her what to do? This latest episode will now make her decline even more anything that makes her weak like this will progress her dementia now.
Thankgod my sister is here this wkend so i can really relax and take off somewhere of course sis is not happy and asked me if i would be AROUND?? eh no what part of im having a break to you not get? Sister fuming now as mum is weak now and if she gets out sis will have to be here 24/7 with her!! yes sister is starting to agree that a home is the only place she will be safe OF COURSE the real reason is sis knows if mums in a home she can still come home and go out with her friends and wont have to sit with mum thats her way of thinking ME ME ME!
I am beginning to see now how people with parents in homes are just as stressed as having them at home. I should be having a break but its so hard to switch off you never stop thinking about them and if they are alright? But am not going to visit today as ive lots to do for ME!
Hugs all!

Sharyn, I do so get how it must have felt to have your sister go off on one about Young People Today and What The World's Coming To - ohmygod could we please for once just have an upbeat conversation??? Jaundiced people can make the world look pretty grim. And that point about how much you can get wrong and still survive somehow - that attitude makes me froth at the mouth! The fact that you just about got away with something does NOT MAKE IT A GOOD IDEA!!!

Phewf! But I'll just be working you up again. How are Brand New Grandbabies doing? My daughter's just started her first job in Neonates so I'm picturing her spending all day with ones just like them :)

Sandwich~you said much that is very true. I didn't want to go into a long post but...just humor me now, LOL!!! While in Idaho, called my sis just to chat and catch up. Something was said about my grandson's regarding feeding. My sis replied that she gave her daughter's baby cereal within a week so they would sleep through the night. Her daughter's were born in early 70's, it was standard procedure then. I responded with, they don't do that anymore, they wait until the baby is 6 months to introduce other foods due to immature tummy and allergies. Sis jumped on her soap box about how she should have had her kids taken away and charges of child abuse brought on her due to the things she did and her kids survived!! She went on for over 15 minutes...I finally referred to her as "Dr K", saying you should get a talk show or radio talk show so you can set the world right. Then she went into the whole Autism issue saying that we are doing something wrong because so many children are diagnosed with Autism today and when we were growing up, you never heard of it. I tried to educated her about the growing population, dr's are able to diagnose it accurately today where many children were just written off as "mentally retarded" or institualtionalized as mentally ill. She wanted to hear none of this Then she became angry with ME for insulting HER!!! She went on about how the younger generation has it so easy, they are pampered,etc.

I do agree with you about how the younger generation comes into the work world and they want their vacay time after 3 months of working instead of waiting one year. My sister's job is phasing her out by only giving her 20 hours a week. I am not the more informed and up to date, but my sis is still stuck in the sixties.I may be wrong, but as a 50's something employee....the employer caters to the younger people because they are the majority. You are right, there is no loyalty shown.

I finally told my sis, I did not appreciate you using this call which was meant for pleasant conversation so could monopolize the conversation about something you have no control over and cannot change other than being more informed and changing your attitude.

50sChild - My parents grew up in the depression, but had me late. All my peers' parents were a good 15 years or more younger than mine. I am a GenXer & child of the 80s.

I lived with frugal before it was hip. We stockpiled before coupon queens. We made it do or did without before it was green. Home-made everything, garden, rarely going out to eat or for entertainment.

Then it turned into pathological hoarding for my mom. My dad passed at 56 from the stress of living with her.

From my view here on the totem pole, we grew up hearing stories of great jobs with security, good dependable benefits, retirement, pension, promotions, and it all sounded great. Work your way up. Work hard & you'll be taken care of. Us kids of the 80s didn't get that deal, but we made do. We show up, we work hard, and put in a fair day's work and then some. Corporate culture changed to be very disloyal to labor. No job security. Benefits that change on the wind, always to be less than before. The end of pension and a predictable retirement. Work until you are hospitalized from exhaustion and divorced, but the company owes you zip for the loyalty & effort. You'll be downsized next quarter anyway because headcount is too high for the accountants & shareholders. Nobody is valuable. No skills are that important. Personnel has a revolving door. Everybody is now an independent contractor without benefits.

Promotions? Don't hold your breath. There's a cohort who could have retired years ago, but won't because the economy is too unstable. There they sit, long past the rule of 90, blocking change, blocking progress, blocking everything. These are the managers scaling back benefits, rewards, and security. I am so tired of working with people who will change nothing because "I'm going to retire". I've heard that for years and have quit believing it. We have some of the oldest systems to support because they can't be retired or replaced because of a few people with titles who don't want to learn something new. It's very expensive and inefficient to run this way, and galls me to no end when I hear "no salary increases this year...again for the 5th year running". No training budget, no payment for the required certification continuing ed credits you have to have, no books, no no no no no no. Say no to your dreams. What are you going to do, complain?

When someone finally retires, that position is gone. It's not backfilled with somebody else who may deserve it. It's eliminated for budget reasons, so attrition eliminates jobs and opportunities.

There are tons of articles about this phenomenon and how its affected the 40+ crowd in the work force. I've never worked in a good economy. I've never been in a company that rewarded the workforce for loyalty and effort or capability. The past 20 years of my life have been spent trying to hang on, be value-add to a bunch of out of touch management who couldn't work their way out of a paper bag and who are responsible for a lot of the bad business maneuvers these past decades. Who treated everyone like they are disposable tissues, while raking in the perks and bennies the rest of us are deprived of.

Most of my peers are resigned that this is it. We've peaked and will now be leap-frogged by these incoming Millenials who whine if they don't get a promotion after orientation is over. They are mostly insufferable. I'm sure there are individual exceptions to everything. But in general, we're tired and have stopped having ambition & goals. We now have teenagers and elderly dependent parents. Work culture is by & large viscous and very unforgiving to anyone who needs flexibility to deal with life. Obviously, your priorities are wrong if you are taking time of for family things.

I don't know about Love, but I do know what I've lived through. Crap economies that just keep getting crappier, lots of wars to pay for, crap corporate overlords who just take every drop of blood and sweat you have, crap support, crap fair rewards for the hard work. Some days I wished I had just become an alpaca farmer out in the middle of Nowhere, Idaho.

Good news though. At least we're not Millenials with hundreds of thousands of dollars of education and credit card debt, an upside down mortgage, and no hope of ever being home owners or buying a car because they've filed bankruptcy two or three times by now. It can always be worse.

I am crabby and and going to bed so I can get up and do my 110% best for no reason other than the reward of its virtue.

Me1000, others have said you must enlist experts, and you must. It is sad, but it appears only you can help yourself. Your despair is going to kill you, it will bring about serious illness. Your despair is deep anger at others re-directed at yourself. Do you need help finding phone numbers? Most counties have mental health services that can help or make a referral to another source that can help. Where do you live (county, state)?

Kazzaa it's because she's in hospital and therefore comparatively static - it's becoming pretty much routine to give thrombolytics to anybody with the remotest risk of getting a DVT. Ex OS had to inject himself daily for quite some time after his op., can't remember exactly how long. Rest your mind, it is routine and it won't mean they've discovered something sinister. It won't be clopidogrel but it's probably a close relative, I can't remember the name. And they'll be watching her clotting times anyway - honestly, don't worry, but if still in doubt ask. And keep asking further and further up the food chain until you get a sensible answer! Big hug.

All's quiet on the western front here - for now. If it's not my mom, it's my teenage ADHD/Asperger son. When they both give me heck at the same time, I like to hide under the covers. My son has his head so far up his colon he can see out his mouth right now. I got him study guides for the advanced placement tests he will take, and he didn't think he'd use them since everybody takes tests their own way. Life is going to be full of hard lessons for this one.

I talked to mom's new social worker last week, and she has been compliant with PT, getting up in the morning, dressing, taking meds. I had to ask if we were talking about the same Ruth. I didn't believe it. Thank you Jesus for Risperdal and heavy doses of Prozac. If she can max out her stint in the rehab classification, that's more days of housing Medicare pays for vs. her bank account.

Working on getting her property back home sold to raise cash for her care. We cleaned out the house last year, but the two outbuildings are still full of stuff. If I lived there, I might be more interested in keeping some of it, but I'm 1800 miles away and have no desire to call movers again, or use up 6 days of vacation over it (3 days down, 3 days back) plus however many days in the middle. I'm not 25 anymore and can't do it in 2 days like we used to.

I have a coworker next to me who is a chatter box, but hard of hearing and doesn't know it. She talks to me all day long, and can't hear my answers, so she comes into my cube to repeat everything, and talks rather loudly. There is no such thing as a quiet conversation with her. It's exhausting. I have to put my headphones on and act like I'm on the phone.

Yesterday was absolutely perfect weather-wise. We get these days in the spring & late summer, and they are just not to be missed. Low humidity, warm air, slight breeze. You can open the windows and air out the bedding in the sunshine. It's great.

I got a lot of cupboard cleaning done at home. How is it I can throw out one paper grocery bag of flattened food boxes and a large white trash bag of stale snacks/cereal, and the cabinet is STILL COMPLETELY FULL? At least I got my counter top cleaned off....for now. I had two white trashbags stuffed to the gills from the bathroom closet. I am now able to store towels in the linen closet, and line all the miscellaneous sunscreen, first aid, soap, & such up like an organized person! Marvelous! I made myself throw out old bottles of shampoo with that last 5 uses in it that nobody is going to use and expired cold medicines. Part of my brain was screaming "Waste! Waste! You're going to burn in h*ll for wasting it!" and the other part of my brain was screaming "Let it go! You need the space more! Nobody is going to use it because it smells funny!"

They are saying the polar vortex is going to bring snow *months* earlier than normal. Oh goody...not. Our last shipment of snow only melted 4 months ago.

Me1000, I heart hurts for you. I am sadly still in the situation where I cannot offer advice yet. But I will say a prayer for you.

Many reasons for a Heparin shot. Given with transfusions. Given to bed bound patients with a history of phlebitis. Given for heart attacks and strokes. You will have to ask why.

Kazz, was it heparin they injected? I haven't seen it injected into the belly area either. Her it is commonly administered through an IV to prevent blood clots when people are pretty much bed bound. In my mom's case injection into the stomach would be best for her. She has a history of taking out IV's and GI tubes because she just does not understand the purpose. So, maybe there is a concern with your mum that she may do the same. Is she an uncooperative patient?

Just a question here as someone may know? mum is being given an ANTI-CLOT injections into her stomach? is this routine OR could they have found something on the CT scan? In her bloods?
Could she have had a mini stroke OR they are anticipating one? i have never seen them give this before? could they have found a small blockage in her leg or elsewhere? I know once i see her doc we will be told but that could be days yet? Just curious as to why this injection she is on aspirin?

Hi everyone mums still in hospital and i havnt had a chance to see doc yet? she was moved on sat from AnE to MAU med assess unit so thankgod for that all those emergencies were very depressing! she was dehydrated and her bloods were too low BP was slightly high but not too bad? so i guess its all down to the same old same old shes not taking her meds right and not eating properly so yes this will continue to happen until its fatal.
I am trying to relax and yes a bit less stressed just knowing shes safe but dread her coming home and her mood swings again although i intend to talk to her doc before she is discharged.
I am putting her name down this week for the NH it could take six months or longer as its a very popular NH. Sis will mention it to her this wkend HA! LOL! like mums going to listen!! Good luck to her!

Meanwhile you never really get a break as ive loads of phonecalls to make......her shrink,her doc is away, health nurse is on holidays but things are moving.

Im sure you all understand this i can do anything here clean, cook ,be abused, clean mum BUT i cannot handle PAPERWORK!! I just freeze my heads not with it i DETEST paperwork its like enough to drive you over the edge! I suppose its all the stress but making phonecalls which is needed then filling out forms is all too much right now!
Yes i will just sleep tomorrow is another day? But i wish i had a private secretary please dont give me forms and phone calls to do its like im reading blah blah blah i just cant cope with these WHY so much paperwork??????? if i can just push a button and its all done that would be great!!

Hope you are all well and CM so sorry to hear your mum fell i guess this will be the next thing to start happening with mum soon!
Me1000 i have to agree with Margeaux things will only change if you change them! Hugs as its hard i know!
Emjo good youre better i am not eating well BUT after a few nights in AnE i swear to look after myself i do not want to start down the candida route again so yes taking my probiotics and trying to eat VEG?
Good news how sad am i? a new store is opening up here tomorrow Yipee! Gosh i need a life! but its not far and he is said to grow his own veg so im hoping its nice and fresh food instead of having to go into town every wk! can take mum for a walk down there when she gets out!
I must be getting old when im excited about a new food store opening!!!!!

Me1000,

You don't get to get off so easy.
We have all listened and commented about your situation.
I realize that people come here and vent. But some people will start to take action, the necessary steps to make their situation more manageable. I'm not saying this in a mean spirited manner, either. But your posts point to the same issue.......and that is that you need to call in the experts, now. Can you get in touch with any elder care agencies, social workers, so that they can assess your GRANDFATHER'S care? Nothing is going to change for YOU, unless you do something of the sort!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Countrymouse,

What a day you had! Not self centered at all.
Yes, we can be as careful as we can about the falls, but they can still happen.
Well, I hope your mom is feeling better, not to mention you in all of this.
Sorry about the ride home event.

You will feel better when you are rested.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Geogirl,

I am so sorry about the fact that you are dealing with problems in your marriage, on top of dealing also with your father. What I hear you saying about your dad, is that he tells you, "how attractive it sounds, you taking care of him." Given that you have already been doing this for a year now, and are realizing the work involved.

When mom, who is now 92, was diagnosed with ALZ, was living independently w/her older sister, known as the battle ax, and was the reason I came to this thread over 2.5 years ago. The battle ax died almost that long ago,
can't believe it! Anyway, when things started to decline w/both elderly women....and my siblings and me realized they could no longer live alone, my sister......being the POA, the mico-manager type, moved in w/them.
At that time.....I'll never forget we were having lunch w/a cousin one day.
My sister made a rather imperative statement to me, about how we would all have to take shifts......coming over to mom's house to take care of mom and her sister. I immediately told her, that although I could help out here and there,
(I live to far), I wasn't able, nor willing to do that. I wasn't willing to do this especially to help care for our aunt, since I knew what a difficult person she was,
a complete narcissist. Mother was too controlled by her sister, too. So I just didn't feel like getting on that ride. As it turns out another addendum to this arrangement was the fact that my sister moved in w/two grown daughter's, and the eldest's boyfriend. (now married to him) They never payed rent. So I figured the least they could do.....is help w/the caregiving. In any case, as time passed hired caregiver's came into the picture.

Of course as time passed, my sister had some horrible fights w/the battle ax, living in same household, on top of all the caregiving. When I had to hear about things as both mom and battle ax's health became worse, I always remembered that day we had lunch, hearing my sister trying to enlist me on some kind of schedule to come care for the elders. Of course this didn't include our two brothers.

My point to you is that it isn't so simple. So do try to separate your issues, as
they both and individually are going to require tons of attention, and I know I don't have to tell you this. I also think this a great idea that your brother is concerned, something that doesn't exist in our family.

Always remember, that you should never feel guilty, just because your father is basically sending the message to you, that he'd like for you to be his caregiver. Not everyone can, for a variety of reasons, and best one give it some serious thought, before we've become so entrenched in the situation.

Your in my thoughts, Geogirl.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

ME, you need help. Talking with us while helpful, reassuring, etc, you are the one that has to take action. CALL APS today to talk about the situation.

Sorry I wasted all your time

Im beyond distresed but i sent flares years ago and never got the help... im done now