The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Boogs, funny you should mention that - the why have they vanished question? I was standing by the phone this morning internally going "teeheehee" because my sister had just asked me that. Do our brothers actually give a sh*t about whether our mother is alive or dead? And I'm thinking "oh you've just started to wonder that, have you?" Actually the answer is, yes they do care, they just don't know what to do about it. So they do nothing. Then they feel bad. So they avoid thinking about it. So they don't know what to do. So they do nothing...

Here is how it goes. Mother has a fall + trip to ER on Saturday. We get home 10 pm. I settle her in, sit down and email my sibs, out of courtesy, for their information. This is what happens. This format is what ALWAYS happens:

Sister calls 9am Sunday. I know she isn't trying to work out how it was my fault that mother fell, and I am trying to shake off that paranoid feeling, but I haven't got there completely. We're both working hard to improve our respective attitudes.
SIL calls on Brother 1's behalf 8pm Sunday and advises me to be more relaxed.
Brother 2 has apparently left the planet.

The thing is, if you try to find a definitive answer to the question "what is their problem?" you will go bonkers. Give up. God only knows what's going on in their tiny heads. All we can do is find specific things they can do to help, ask them nicely, and not worry about it if they say no - just make alternative arrangements.

Me1000, who is helping you? Call people and ask for help. Call your Dad's doctor and talk through what your Dad is saying to you. Call APS and outline your grandfather's needs - YOU need help with meeting them. Call the school counsellor and chat through what's going on with your daughter. The point is that you cannot, you physically cannot, be responsible for every person in your family. You are in distress and you need to send up flares. Good luck, big hug xxx

Boogs, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have recently started calling my siblings TS1 and TS2, (twisted sister) at the suggestion of a friend and neighbor. Both live within 10 minutes of here, same story as you, TS1 (is a narcissistic paranoid counselor) rarely sees Mom and TS2 (Mom's POAs, also narcissistic and extremely self absorbed) will take Mom to church on Sunday while I am the 24/7/365 caregiver to my Mom with Alzheimer's and her husband with general age related decline.You are NOT alone the people here are my best friends, the onesmi can count on when I need to vent, or just remember that I do have someone to talk to 24/7/365, though sometimes I have to be patient while waiting for a reply.

Welcome Boogs!

5am this morning grandpa and I fight because I cant figure out math off the top of my head... I been up with him mostly last night( slept in living room on couch too cuz I can hear him when he calls for me from the bedroom- Hes got another living area too) He says I slept like a baby! Really just because I dont say something for all the hours hes hitting his talking clock to check the time? I barely was able to make coffee and do dishes and I have to go back down again to fix breakfast because he wouldnt eat that early hour and yet I couldnt go back down because for once I had to stay home and clean and look for a job when done. He also said " heres another long lonely dark day Ill be all by myself" I cant sit there all day and all night. I told him hire companions and he blew once again

My kids refuse to go to school again, daughter si a little sick but after so many years going in sick all sudden shes staying home? Nope, she hates her school and I asked her over and over if she was happy and she lied to my face. Son again wished I was dead and said he'd kill me. Just wait until until he finds out my kids refuse private school he will also not give us the house for that reason....At least my Aunt will get MORE MONEY and ANOTHER house she will be happy again

Dad is cancelling is heart surgeon consult appt today because he cant take this hell he lives in and wants to die sooner.....

Everything is all my fault and I cant take it anymore

Its never going to get better..

Who was I kidding?

fligirl58- I hope everything works out for the both of you :)

50sChild- Double check your settings from here says to receive mail at your regualr email address. Then make sure your not getting anything in your Spam box, I get some from here in there. Never worry about writing, have you seen my posts? Im here for you :) I wish you luck getting your dads records and hopefully you get some times for you. I have family with mental illness so no, its never easy. Some days are harder then others and getting through them is just a miracle.

Geogirl- Hugs

TheBoogs- Im sorry your going through this. I guess we never know how our future is going to tun out. Good luck

1 bipolar sister & the other 2 are just MIA.

You know what truly gets me? I'm not sure if anyone else has ever experienced this or is going through this… But… When my dad was still alive (and healthy) and before my mom was diagnosed with cancer, still running around like a feisty little Italian mama ---- all my sisters were over their house every single weekend. We all were. It was the thing - Sunday dinners, hang out on the patio and have coffee and laugh.

Now?

They're completely gone. Except one. And that's the crazy sister. When the other two come around, it's probably AT MOST, 2 times a year and they all live within 15 minutes from mom.

I don't get it. Are they scared to see mom aging? Are they scared to see someone sick? I just can't wrap my mind around it.

50'schild~If you are not getting the dys thread on your newsfeed, it is because you unsubscribed to at some point in time whether accidentally or on purpose is not important, but now that you have posted here again, it will be on your newsfeed.

Learning to adjust to the changes in our culture and society becomes more difficult as we age. Every generation wants to blame the earlier generation as to why this or that is not happening. The reality is that we are responsible for ourselves.

Geo, you need to have a Plan B. What if you go, with Dad in tow (that will make it more difficult) and it doesn't work? Kick hubby out? Move again with Dad? Think this through very carefully. Throw your ideas out there.

Gladimhere and Veronica! I cannot thank you enuff for what you wrote and your perspective on things. It almost seems like a tap on the shoulder from God! Some feedback: my mom passed away in 2007. She had moved to Phoenix to be around my brother, his wife and two girls after leaving her second (and physically abusive) husband. My brother helped her in some ways, but her bipolar illness made it challenging. She had her own apartment and was on welfare/disability and wanted to be independant. Unfortunately she died suddenly in her apartment alone. My brother and his family have a busy life and didn't see her all the time which I hoped they would. But being older now I understand their needing alone time. My bro. doesn't have room in their town home for anyone else to move in. He also wants me to move there w my dad- he hates my husband for the abuse over the years and doesn't think he will change. My dad would have to be in an independant living facility. He really appreciates me helping him and I am having a hard time with this decision. As far as my marriage, my DH had a 2.5 year affair w my best friend. His phone butt dialed me when they were together. He admitted to two one-time flings, one w a flt. attendant and another on a layover in South America. He's a commercial pilot. Before that he was an AF pilot. So I spent more time w our girls than with him. He said he has told me about all the flings he has had, but I'm not sure.
I have been seeing two counselors- one a professional and another who trains other counselors; her husband is the director of a Seminary's counceling center. Very well educated and very professional. I understand there are ppl in churches who councel, but I only see those who have training to the nth degree.
I've had well meaning friends who give opinions, but I take it for what it is.
I must be honest, I'm not sure of my true motive for giving the marriage a final hoorah. I am anxious about finances and I do want to see my grands and girls, tho' two of my three grandsons moved down south a year ago. ( I don't remember what all I've told you so forgive repetitiveness!)
My 24 yr old daughter is living in our house w her 3 yr old son and is now separated from her philandering husband. After they got out of the Army, they moved in w us til he got a job. He has PTSD and refuses help. I do want to be there for my daughter during this. One other thing-- my youngest daughter, who is in college, is dating the boy whose mother was cheating w my husband. That's how they met (from the kids dating).
My youngest is very much against my getting back w DH. The middle feels somewhat the same, except that the stability my coming back would provide is something she'd want. I'm in so much turmoil! I want to keep our family together as it is a thing to treasure. But I'm still unable to trust him and do not like the fact he drives a motorcycle for hours when he is home and stops at a bar daily for beer. I'm pretty sure alcohol has got a hold of him.
In my background, there was no abuse at all. My dad is sweet and meek, my mom was lively and wonderful. My friends thought it was the Leave it to Beaver family! So did I.
My dad and husband get along tho my dad secretly loathes him for cheating! Yes, I'm sure they will be jealous of sharing me, and I'll be waiting on them both now! I don't know how all this will turn out, and trying to step back into a troubled marriage w my dad in tow-don't know how that's gonna work.
Sounds like you gals know from whence you speak! I'm glad you're there as a support!
Geogirl

I no longer get feeds from this thread, and wonder if I offended anyone or, as I am prone to, wrote way too much. My 82 year-old husband is having breakdown, my 93-year-old Dad rock solid lobotomized (WWII Battle Creek VA lobotomy I am having trouble getting records for and I am a former government Archivist) -- Dad is decent, "jolly", and no longer remembers BPD Mom except "I kinda think she was proud of this house." I lurk and just respect PamStegman so much for her 3-line depths. Please tell me if I blew myself off this thread, and tell me why, and please allow me to acknoweldge my mental illness insults and let me back on. My husband woke up this a.m. and said, after sleeping only 2 hours -- "I have been a bastard all my life." He is the sweetest but least "tolerant" guy you could hope for. His greatest frustration is people who do "White Dogging" -- which is families who sit around commenting on "The Dog" or Sunday "How Did you Get Here" or "Yadda Yadda" without saying a word of inner life to anyobe. Our older life has evaporated. We used to hike 2000 feet up into the Sierra. Now he cannot walk five minutes. It ain't bad, we are among the lucky. But he is a clinical psychologist who cannot abide. His self-realized dementia makes his observation more acute and with alacrity than ever. He is like Micheal the Archangel, with no tolerance for untruths. Sifting through the past 80-some days, death of Robin Williams and Joan Rivers, Middle East and Ukraine and Africa suffering -- we the BPD'd -- doesn't this ring to you that damaged people should have a huge voice yet are quite ashamed we are complaining? I am ashamed. But we shouldn't kill another's sensitivities? My parents suffered as 2nd generation, then Depression, then WWII, then we BB's got benefit of good times (for which we are hated by youngers). Ever wonder why hippies happened? My theory is that after WWII, veteran projections made us take on guilts untold and we thought we released it to Love. Our parents believed in education, yet our education made us enemies with our Victorian parents. Our children think we are stupid, because they are victims of economic psychopaths preying upon Love. For BPDs, we've known this game all along. Our grandkids threaten suicide, our siblings did kill themselves. I stood there with my mouth gaping while my BPD Mom said "You are a peculiar little person," while also saying, "We wanted better for you," two days before she went down in bile and failures. Smoking hard like 40s heroine till the end (I was so exhausted I utterly forgot the Oxygen should be turned off).

Do any of you have WWII or Depression Era parents, who went crazy providing for you? Or mentally ill siblings. Please tell me exactly how you got peace from your guilts. I don't mean the euphamisms, but the point where you got where you decided "them or me."

Someone replied to my post yesterday about maybe mom was faking the bladder infection because I got to go out with a friend. This friend was first my moms friend and then she just became a family member after a few years and has been like that forever. Anyway I checked her this am and she went the bathroom without any pain or trouble. Last night she did not go to the bathroom from the time I got home until she went to bed. Now I am just wondering if she just made that up because I did go out and she said she wanted to go. Mom cannot go out anymore as it is too hard for her to walk. Not to mention she used to spend money like crazy and I am very in tune with all the money so we have enough to pay bills. But I am glad that she does not have an infection but I am kinda unhappy about maybe she just made that up. Cra Cra Crazy

***********to continue its now 2:38pm and I went to check on grandpa( after the physical fight my kids got into spilling drinks on the floor screams louder than a subway can handle it with the echo )Grandpa was asleep early so I left home. I come home to the continued issues of daughter yelling about doing her homework my dad upset and he was calling me at grandpas to tell me he was leaving! OMG now grandpa is gonna be awake and I will have to go back now instead of 6;30pm...

Every hour it all continues.. its a nonstop cycle of problems.

Again tonight grandpa will say I slept well .. as If I didnt hear him up at 1:30am and walking down the hall at 2:49am this morning!!! I told him I didnt hear him I was asleep because he gets mad saying theres no reason for me to be a wake! Really? A man with mobility issues and theres no reason to be awake when hes awake? I kept him in eye view and quietly followed him to the living room and when he sat I went back to bed.. although all I can do is lay there listening if he needed me. Oh well

"If she (me) doesnt get the flu shot again changes will be made about the house" Grandpa said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FLU shot was NEVER brought up this year let alone this month, and instead of asking me, hey are you gonna get your FLU shot, he threatens me with the house?" What? First of all I got the FLU shot last year which made me sick , WALGREENS should have a copy of that correct? Anyways I never said I want getting it, I have NO money to get it!!! Theres a difference! Well LA Dee Da grandpa hasnt gotten his FLU shot yet either this year and on top of that I always get it after my kids get theirs. What a concept.. ( his friends friend died no flu shot ..says I cant run a house if I dont get one yada yada that why the whole thing)

Now he says I better fix my attitude that Im getting everything I want( because I asked him what do you mean changes?) I did not yell! I asked as a regular conversation. I dont like to be asked if Im doing something and be threatened in the same sentence. Being threatened over a FLU shot are you kidding me!!!! He says I take things wrong etc.. Some other issues came up yesterday and we got into it a little because I told him Im going to need more help I cant be here 24/hrs a day, I would love to and he BLEW!!! He got so mad and told me if I feel that way after everything hes done I can get out! I told him Im there to help but not 24/7 I cant and he BLEW again yelling" I didnt say I need you here all the time, food company whats so hard about that?

But its not just food and company, its helping showering, nails, cleaning, errands, Drs, mobility issues, pills,and yes, basically compony or babysitting whichever anyone sees it and so on! He says I took it the wrong way again!!! Im so sick and tired of being treated like a pile of poop. I mean, yes, financially he does do everything he can for us and Im forever and beyond in is debt and thankful. I dont mind helping him, I love being there ( when we arent fighting) But it just has to be limited. I am not allowed to say NO ( incl the mower no choice if I want to keep my home) to anything he wants or when it can be done or its heck. Yes, hes always been this way but worse now. Even If I work and paying bills Im still obligated!!!!Oh he wants me to work like YESTERDAY because hes scared I cant pay bills if he dies but yet gets mad when Im gone!!! So what is it!!!

Its only 10:34am... a LONG day to go.. Well I know grandpa is ill and scared of his health, I know hes bored and I know he has a lot on his mind. So I just took the blames this morning apologized, fixed him some coffee and went back home to help my son and clean. Lunch is soon, so I must be leaving again....

fligirl58- I completely get it! You want/need a full 24hrs without problems, me too! I hope you get one soon, hugs. ( Veronica91 is right)

sharynmarie- Im so sorry, definitely keep your eyes open and be careful. I hope its nothing and wish you the best. Im here for you and I do understand what your going through. Lets just say I dated and was married to not such angels.

emjo23- Glad your back and feeling better! Clutter gets overwhelming doesnt it? Well, I know about the mowing but.. well.. Ill get to that in my rant for the morning..

Countrymouse- Im sorry about your mom and glad shes ok overall. I hear ya, they will fall at both the NH and at home, but at least there they have everything they need. I wish you and your mom lots of well wishes!

gladimhere- So true!!!!!!!!!!

CM, whether they have falls at home or in a facility I think there would be guilt either way. If in a facility and there was a fall some may tend to think the fall wouldn't have happened if Mom had been at home. Such is the life many of us having in caring for our aging family members. We are DA!!Ed if we do or not. We will always find something to feel guilty about. All we can do is the best we can and stop blaming ourselves for incidents that happen. Accidents will happen anywhere and there is little a caregiver can do to prevent them from happening. There does come a point when they will be safer in a facility and that is different for everybody.

Snow?! Goodness, Emjo, I'm glad you've already managed to get the wood burners in order then - and glad the tip worked for you. I'd be even happier if it hadn't come from someone I'd rather disapprove of wholeheartedly! You've reminded me I need to get ours sorted out, and the chimneys swept. We're having what passes for an Indian summer, but the fact is that nothing looks more miserable or less welcoming than a stove that isn't good to go.

24 hours from h*ll - mother had another full-length fall yesterday, and her third blue light ambulance trip to ER. Three strikes and out? I have no way of keeping her safe here at home, unless the OTs will provide me with some means of preventing her from getting out of her armchair unassisted. Normally our local hospital is surprisingly efficient, but yesterday was an exception. There for hours, and hours, and hours until they x-rayed her shoulder and sent us home. Too tired and depressed to argue or keep on top of things as I would normally try to, and God only knows what crises the staff were having - they were calling in GPs from nearby practices to come and help with triage - but the upshot was they didn't take bloods, they didn't even check her urine (I suspect they were mainly extremely anxious not to have to admit her, and she appeared to be a Little Old Lady in No Apparent Distress - mad as a hatter, but not clearly ill); so I'll have to trot her down to the GP as soon as I can this week for a once-over. A very sweet male nurse brought us a cup of tea and got mother a tuna sandwich. It was lovely of him, above and beyond, but as it turned out possibly not ideal. Mother celebrated our return home with copious bowel movements - hope nobody's having breakfast - and the day was rounded off at half past three this morning with an emergency bath. She's very sore all over, especially her shoulder, but hip and back too - you can all imagine what fun it was. While she soaked (I resisted the temptation to pour a bottle of disinfectant into the water. Just) I got busy scrubbing her bedroom carpet. Oh the glamour of our Saturday nights!

Keep telling myself I'll feel more positive when I'm not so tired, but the point about her safety (never mind my sanity) is just true. I can't keep her safe. I know falls can happen in dementia care units and nursing homes too, but… But what? But it wouldn't be my fault? Is that a good enough reason to make her leave her own home?

Question for the ages, eh. Sorry to be self-centred, not great this morning. Hope to catch up with everyone later. Emjo, glad you're feeling gradually better, happy pickling!

Yes thanks, glad, I am. So hard to tell what is chronic fatigue and what is the infection, really need the same approach anyway - lots of rest and slowly increase activity. Hope to get some walks in before the cold hits. It snowed in southern AB a few days ago!!! I did get one good walk on the trail last weekend, but not since.

Emjo, good to see you back. Hope you are feeling much better.

surfacing again - hi to the newbies sandy and geo. Care giving is one of the hardest jobs. You have had good feedback. Breath deep, look after you and don't take on too much.

kazzaa - sorry about your mum collapsing - you knew it would happen. I hope she gets the proper treatment and your life starts to be a little bit easier now.

glad - why are we always surprised when the twisted sisters act as they do? Hope you are settling down from your house disaster. It doesn't seem to end does it?

margeaux - always about them - always!!!

Alison - good to see you posting again. Hope you get a plan in place that is workable.

me - hope your sis is not making things worse. As far as mowing is concerned you can always say "No" - not argue - just say "No" and smile and walk away.

fligirl - I can identify - one more thing seems too much sometimes. Definitely keep going out.

Austin - give them heck!!!

Sharyn - the boys arrived safely! That is wonderful. I am sorry that you did not have the mother daughter time you hoped for. Relationships are so complicated. Sorry too about what you just posted about your dh. Does sound like something is going on. Been there done that! (not with G). No more.

Christine, sandwich, loo, countrymouse everyone - how are things ?

Here things with mother are quiet as far as I know no phone calls anyway. The SW will be back from holidays next wee so that may change. I have bought the last things I intend to for mother, and will get 3 of the pants shortened. G, bless him, said he will drop them off next time he is in E'ton. I don't know if she will wear the blouses, but it was the best I could find that was washable and coordinated with what she has. They are setting her up with some special shoes as her feet have been bothering her.We are just about finished with the insurance co thankfully and I have started moving things back down stairs. NOTHING will go back down there that is not useful in the foreseeable future. It will be donated or trashed.

G brought back some green tomatoes and some pretty ripe cucumbers from one of the farms. We had fried green tomatoes and also fried cucumbers. I remember mother making them years ago. I have made tomato, onion and cucumber salad, cucumber and melon salad, thin sliced cucumbers in vinegar. Any other ideas?

I actually had a couple of good days this week so am over the hump with this infection, but still taking a low dose of meds. The dizziness morphed into headaches which are disappearing. Now to build up a little energy. G has a business meeting in the east in a couple of weeks and wants me to come. It would be a nice break.

Oh cm - that trick about cleaning the fireplace doors with ashes worked!!! Who would have guessed it? Thanks a bunch!

Look after yourselves everyone. You count too - at least a much as everyone else.

sorry, his aunt in GA

Ok, I realize this has nothing to do with care giving...but I am seeing some changes in my hubs that are sending up red flags.

About 4 months ago, I notice that he was spending more time on his laptop instead of watching tv in the livingroom. This is a man who prefers tv to any other form of communication in the 37 years we have been married. I asked him about it, he said is he is watch nexflicks on his laptop...so why there instead of the tv in lr? While in Idaho, my daughter told me on the Wednesday she was admitted to the hospital that she saw on fb where he had friended a woman so she checked out her profile. All her pics were pron. My daughter reported it and she was shut down on fb. Hubs said he didnt know and she referred by someone he knew...a relative or co-worker. DD accepted his innocent explanation,..I let it all go. Howeve tonight I walked in the back bedroom to ask a him a question and he quickly clicked of the page he was on (I think he was typing something), I asked him why he closed the page, he said something about his about in in GA. I said that is no reason to change the page...I looked at him and smiled very big and walked out...now he has stuff on there where I can hear talking from either a movie or something. Something is going on with him!!

Fligirl, have you considered that if Mom had a bladder infection by the time you got home that she definitely had it before you went out. Just a thought. Keep going out whenever you get the chance.

Geogirl Welcome,
Your Dad is 87 and has had several strokes which sad to say means he is likely to have more and although he does not have dementia no could develope vascular dementia in the furture. As a professional caregiver I am sure you have seen the difficulties of dealing with these patients. There will be no days off and not going home at the end of your shift. You obviously love your dad and he loves you and feels very safe in your care. Think very carefully before you refuse your brother's offer to have dad live with him. Not too many brother's make such offers. Would he be able to provide good care? If he is married would this put a great burden on his wife. This has been a good way to get relief from the difficulties of your marriage does your husband really share your wish to get back together or is he just "between" girlfriends so as to speak. Was this a one and only cheating episode or have there been many other incidences some of which were so brief you did not even recognise? Are you able to talk to your children about this. As abults they may have a much more balenced view of your situation. Are you seeing a properly qualified therapist or a church councillor. I am not underestimationg the church people but they often have little training and only one view of marital discord. Been there done that! Has your relationship with your father always been good or did you have an abusive childhood. Is your mother still alive and do you have a good relationship with her? Could you talk to her. I feel as though your are kind of planning to make a cake and are in the process of collecting all the ingredients but this is your life and future. how well do your Dad and hubby get on? each is going to be jealous of the time you spend with the other and Dad is going to need a lot of care going forward. If this final attempt at making your marriage work is to be sucessful your attention is going to have to be pretty much 100% on hubby. Dad's care is going to become totally exhausting as time goes on which means you will just want to collapse at the end of the day not spend a nice evening in front of the fire. Only you know all the charactors involved and we have only just met you but my feeling is you should not rush into anything one way or the other. Don't let any financial security color your decisions. You need to be a strong independent woman not either dependent on dad or scared hubby will go off the rails again.
Hope I have not sounded too intrusive or a busy body but so many people on here get themselves into situations they just can't manage both out of loveguilt and obligation. Blessings.

I got to go out today when the companion was here. I went to get groceries, prescriptions and stuff at Walmart. My friend took me and it was soooooo nice to get out even to do the necessities. I get home and the companion tells me that mom said she had a bladder infection. I fell apart, starting crying outside and my friend told me to stop it right now. So I did. I just felt like its the first time I get out and them have to come home to another problem. I cannot do anything about it until Monday so I am going to just get over it. I did order a new yoga DVD, just waiting for it to come.

kazzaa- Your welcome and Im here for ya! Im sorry about your TIAS and hope you can start relaxing and feeling better.Congrats on your new neighbors! Aww I know, what they said to you about putting your mom in a NH, they meant well. And if you did at least you know you would have their support! You will know when you cant handle it. Hugs..Sorry about your mom collapsing, I pray she can get into a NH home now.

fligirl58- Hugs and its not easy. We should always care for our family, but also care for ourselves. Each of us can handle the situations differently, say two people have the exact situation, each person will handle it differently. Aww We have lots of VHS tapes and cant find a new VCR!! Pawn shops haha not even there so far!!

JessieBelle- Im sorry, its hard to say why she is doing what shes doing. If she can get up and get water, I would say let her get it when shes ready. It could be her Dementia doing this? Either way hang in there, we are here for you! Hugs

gladimhere- You have enough to handle then handle your family treating you this way! You are really strong and made me smile reading your words. I agree, your doing great with your mom and your life. I hope you have some good news coming your way! I hope you get that agency to help! You should go no matter what. Good luck with your moms hair! Oh, and on your sis being a counselor, its amazing how many people are like that and their counselors! It amazes me! Im glad it was a nice service.

sharynmarie- Im glad the babies were able to go home! I hope you can stay longer with your daughter, family emergencies they should be understanding. I wish you luck and hope your daughters BP gets back to normal and stays that way! (I know, theres no way Im doing the mowing! ) Good luck at the new store, hopefully everything works out.

AlisonBoBalison- I agree, this thread has been wonderful for me too. I hope your health improves and I am here as well if you want to talk. I hope your doing better today, and will be keeping you in my thoughts. (Thats a good saying :) I also am back on fourth what to do, but we do need to care for ourselves and have a life. We can still help our loved ones in many different ways. I know, its a struggle. I say this then change my mind for my own situation!

bookluvr- Im glad you also found someone to help you. Sorry for your loss as well.

sandy22- Hi and welcome. YOur not alone and I wanted to give you my support. You do need to have some outside help, you have a lot to handle. Have you looked up caregivers? I wish you the best and your in my thoughts. Hugs

195Austin- That is a scary thought!

Geogirl- Welcome! I do hope everything works out for you, but make sure you have a backup plan for some rest! Your also going through a lot, and I wish you the best in your marriage and with your dad. Make sure you keep doing things for you as well. Hopefully you get to see your kids and grandkids more! Hugs your in my thoughts

Margeaux- Im sorry your niece did that to you. Family sometimes just amazes me in bad and good ways. I hope one day soon you can have a wonderful visit and get plenty of time with the little ones! Hugs

***If I left anyone out Im sorry! Im trying to catch up! Hugs everyone!

Sandy,

Welcome to the thread. These are some very, very challenging circumstances you are in. Do come back and share whatever is on your mind, of course if you want to.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Geo, to care for those we love, we first need to care for ourselves. Resentment is a common theme here. In my case my resentment is focused on siblings that do not help and they live closeby. Our relationships have to come first and if you want to give your husband another chance that is what you should do. But having been there, the marriage should be the only reason. It should not be because it will make it easier to see your children and grands; I understand the desire to see your children and families more. Me and mine used to be in the same city, three children and spouses and four grandchildren. I loved seeing them often and would help with babysitting often. They are 3, 5, 6 and 7 and all such darling children. I would love to see them more than I do, and often remind myself that there are not many grandparents that have the ability to visit often. My own grandparents were over 1,000 miles away and I saw them a couple times a year growing up. Now it seems as if I am very detached from my kids families. There is one advantage though is that my Mom gets to see her great grands more with me here in her home of more than 50 years; she sees my greatgrands more often than she sees my three nephews that are all in town (maybe twice a year, if lucky). They range in age from 19 to 25, they have their jobs, girlfriends school that keep them busy but could visit their grandma even once every couple of months. The only point I am trying to make is that even being closer, it may not provide an increase in grandma time. You need to do what feels right for you and that is certainly a long term marriage that deserves careful consideration for the right reasons.

Again, welcome!

Hi gladimhere and sharynmarie! My dad is 87, has had several strokes- the most recent last July. I went to see him at hospital and never left. He was remarried and about 15 yrs ago my stepmother got Alzheimer's. She ended up in a nursing home, where my dad visited nearly daily all those years. He never complained. After his last stroke last July, I stayed w him so he could remain in his home as long as possible. I was dealing w a cheating husband and working as a professional caregiver, so it was a welcome change to move in w him. I have a brother who wants dad to move to Az. w him. He's not excited at the idea. Dad wants to stay with me for the remainder of his life, he is very attached to my taking care of him. But after a year of agonizing and counceling, I feel I want to give my Marriage one last chance. Nearly 30 yr marriage, three kids and 3 grandkids, whom I rarely get to see now. After reading some of the posts here I've started getting a bit anxious of all of us under one roof, though DH is very supportive of it! I had quit my job to be here, which I love, but after a year I find some resentment creeping in. There are step-siblings who I never got along with, and who falsely accused me of several things I won't get into now. They disrespected my dad in his decisions which I confronted them about. Then they said they were all withdrawing their support from us, which they have. Part of difficulty was he wanted me as his POA (which my brother and I equally share) and Healthcare PO. There jealousy set in, and due to some unfortunate circumstances, my brother and I changed the door locks which required them calling before coming over (which is a moot point since they washed their hands of us!) I have a caregiver from church who has helped me in a pinch, but he complains about spending the money for her. So here I am- I do go to the gym several days a week and church, but have little else. He hates to leave his house, but once he does he has fun. Just tired of trying to find something he would enjoy. Thanks so much for your support! Done w my rant!

Welcome Geogirl!! You are definitely not alone here. As gladimhere said, we are all a little wacky. We laugh, vent, share and cry together. I hope you come back to share some more. Hugs!

Welcome Geogirl. We are all somewhat wacky here, no offense anybody. We all deal with dysfunctional families, some more so than others. Tell us more about your Dad. Age, dementia or not....

I'm new here, found this site when I googled "dad wants temp set at 86, daughter needs a cool 74! I'm also from a dysfunctional family that I'm getting counceling for! Reading this forum makes me feel less alone as I've taken over his care 24/7 last year. Working out marital issues after a separation and likely moving him back home with me across the state. Hope it works out!