
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Sandy, Welcome
Sharyn, Wonderful, back to old store, much closer for you right?
Kazz, remember, I don't know how it works in Ireland, but here we can refuse to take them home saying their care is more than we can deal with. Hospital staff will then HAVE to place them. Enjoy YOUR tonight!
Margeaux~Ethan and Logan are so precious (of course they are, I am the grandma, LOL!!). Next visit I will tell her "I didn't come all this way to complete with your cell phone." I didn't say anything to her this time because of her condition with the preeclampsia, but I will next time if she continues this behavior. I would take off to browse/just drive around for 2-3 hours by myself but when I came back to her house she would say, "I feel so bad I am not up to going out with you." I am assuming it was pregnancy hormones and preeclampsia for this trip anyway!!
Great news about the Tracy store! Wow, after all the trial and tribulations you had to go through the last months. I'm so super happy for you!!!!!
Why are people behaving this way, with respect to what you wrote about your daughter, and SIL, w/the texting? O.K., now I do understand......that this time given your daughter was unfortunately having high BP, and the preemclampsia, being pregnant with her first twins must have been scary, to say the least, for them.
I also realize, that you living so far away, that you wanted to also use this time for mom/daughter time too, and you may have ended up feeling a bit looked over? This doesn't feel good, either....truly aware of that. You know when I go visit mother, and what I'll describe happened just last week. My sis's eldest daughter, her husband & their two babies recently moved back into mom's home.
They're having major repairs done to their rental (sis rents to them) her house.
Long story short, the job is bigger than they anticipated, and she's due any moment now w/the third baby.
So last week, I went there Friday. Here I was trying to show up when my sister was at work, but they gave her a four day holiday, so there she was. Her youngest daughter the big mouth is still there also, so they have a full house.
As I walked in.......youngest daughter says to my sister, "I didn't know Aunt Margeaux was coming," sis replied, "Oh she didn't tell me she was coming over."
Gee, I wasn't aware that I had to notify them of my visit. That didn't feel good at all. This is why I call that niece a big mouth.
When my sister and the youngest daughter are around the pregnant daughter.....they behave very cliquey and clannish. So I was trying to have a little connection w/my great nephew who is very adorable, and wants to interact with me. But do you think I had a chance? NO! Big mouth niece, who has become his nanny, is constantly hovering over the kid. I was trying to say something to him, and big mouth just had to keep explaining this, that or the other about what my great nephew was saying, or about to say, it was so ridiculous. I couldn't have any conversation w/my pregnant niece whatsoever, either w/big mouth's constant interruptions, and then there was my sister.
This is how it has always been between my sister and me concerning her two daughters. She has always been so possessive w/them, and continues to be.
Big mouth is following in her footsteps also. This is one of the main reasons I have never been close to them, and the pregnant one is my god daughter.
Anyway, so visits to see mom have just become more convoluted.
I can just imagine what it felt like for you along these lines. Yes, there is that feeling of not being included, alienated, etc. But for you being the mother and grandmother it must have been even more difficult. Sorry you had to experience that. I know how you feel
On a good note......I'll bet Ethan & Logan are adorable!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Yes, I feel that people make their cell phones, the pictures on them, etc.
a focal point of social interactions, instead of talking to one another, like some of us once did before emails, cellphones and the like. What I also find amusing is the fact that usually, I can't really see pictures on a cellphone very well.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I'm sorry to hear about your mom collapsing and ending up in the hospital.
Well from most of your posts lately, it sounds as if you really need to get in touch with social workers. Is your mom on any medication for her Dementia?
In any case......try to rest, and take care of yourself. If you are feeling the stress at this level, and have your own health issues, maybe it is time to seek out some outside help for your mother. You are in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Im done im drained and im full of dread that she will be back here tomorrow abusing me. Even abused me in the AnE in front of people and nurses. I am very weak and need to sleep. Shes ok collapsed because she wont eat OR take her meds properly? have told family this cannot go on as the next time will be tragic.
I now have to get hold of her shrink and doc its so unfair when i should be resting i want them to take over now as i cant take anymore stress. Diabetes and Dementia is so dangerous mum will be safer in a NH. OMG sneaking off to town on her own i was upstairs hoovering when i came down she was GONE? i just cant take anymore.
Hugs to all caregiving sucks!
Margeaux, I did try to write out much of my thoughts and what I was feeling and thinking about. But I didn't want to post it because I know this thread is full of caring and sympathetic people, but I was venting about things that are deeply troubling me right now and there are no answers. This jives with what I see other people write about on this site. Not to trivialize war at all, but I have managed to get into my own personal Vietnam War. I didn't think that so many things could go wrong. And that I would be stuck trying to figure out a way to fix someone else's life at the expense of any life of my own. So... I was naive, and unaware. Well, fine, but what do I do now? I could go forward with trying to get my father moved to Indy, but that means I have to set up all new medical services for him there, all new social services, and make sure he knows how to handle the basics of his life. That would take a week or two of staying with him in new location. Then, I would need to come back to south Chicago, and somehow manage to pack up an entire household of items, many which are heirlooms, by myself. I just don't see myself capable, at this time, of leaving myself broke and broken, just to do all of the massive work it would take to do what needs doing. I've really had to rethink that entire plan. I don't think its a good one.
So, I'm in limbo. Again. I think I'm going to focus more on trying to put some sort of independent life together for myself again. I'll stay in Chicago for now, get back to work, get an apartment, and arrange the help my dad needs - or - stay here in far south suburbs, rent free, and commute. Either way, I have to start putting my life back together. And its funny because if I try to talk about these issues with other family, they say I'm being self-centered, that's its all about me. Well, its been all about a father that never had anything to do with me for several years now... I do feel entitled to take back my life. And my father, bless him, supports that. He's seen my tears, he's heard my frustration, and our relationship as 2 adults is pretty ok these days. He seems to understand I have to go find friends and employment and all that.
So, anyway, that is some of what's been non-stop rolling around in my brain past month. Hope everyone is well. Hugs.
Alison~I can agree that the extra work of keeping up on the falling fruit is another chore when you have others more important. Maybe if your relationship with neighbors is close enough, you could invite them to come over and take how much they want, whenever they want.
Kazza~Yes, men from older generations are just not that into the baby or family thing. I don't know what is worse, the older men or the younger generation like my dd and sil who after 8 years of being together and 4 years of marriage, are so strongly bonded they can't tear themselves away from each other even when family is visiting, LOL!!! Somehow, I think that may change somewhat now that they are a family of 4.
I am not planning to go on fmla now. This is the same problem I had when I was in Idaho prior to the birth of boys, my dd and sil wouldn't let me help out much and they eat out too much; I was not able to cook much. Many times I felt i was just in the way....now don't get me wrong here, I understood my daughter was carrying 2, she had high bp issues. I never made demands on her time, however, when her hubs left for work at 3:30pm, I was expecting some mom/daughter time. Instead...all she did was email her hubs from her cell and back and forth it went night after night. I think I have made myself too available to my daughter and she takes it for granted.
When I went to work on Wednesday, I was called upstairs to the manager's office. I was informed that I have been transferred to the Tracy, Ca store where I originally began. Apparently 2 ladies in the baker/deli are having conflicts with each other so they decided to transfer both to different stores. I was originally hired on the same day as one of these ladies. It does not matter to me that they are transferring me again ( I have the least seniority) plus, I won't have to deal with "A"'s mood swings. Doesn't guarantee that another won't take her place at this store (everyone I worked with 6 years ago has been transferred elsewhere).
Cmag,Joan, Book, Iwentanon, ME1000, Austin, CM, Veroncia, Christine, and Margeaux ....A big hello and hope all is good with everyone of you.
This is absolutely beyond terrible, your sister has the gall to email you, "to thank you etc.," but you notice how it's always about them!
My sister behaves the very same way. I'd recently written about her latest over usage of her cell phone when we've gone to dinner, (which is very seldom), and it's always to show us pics of her grandkids. Of course, she uses this to draw attention to herself. I mean I do know how to differentiate between being proud of being a grandmother, and she pulling out her cell phone in inappropriate circumstances, of which she seems to be doing a lot of these days. Well, after that dinner I tried to politely mention this to her. But of course.....she manages to play dumb. Just the other day she's telling me she apparently got reprimanded at work, for what? Taking personal calls, while on the clock. Even as she was telling me this, she complained and tried to throw the blame on one of mom's caregivers, who she claims is always texting, or calling her at work. Oh my!
I had a silent chuckle at this. So I thought, "well maybe given the reprimand has been given by your boss, MAYBE, just maybe you'll pay heed to this.
Unbelievable, though that even in that circ., she was so willing to blame the CG.
HAAH!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
It's good to see you posting again.
Sometimes we all go through some really low moments, and withdraw
from writing about what we are feeling in our circumstances. Maybe there is just too much going on.....and we end up feeling a bit overwhelmed and I do understand that feeling. But by putting our thoughts in order, writing it down.....is a form of mental Feng Shui. You've maybe heard of the exercise of journaling, or writing about things that bother us, and then burning it up. That's a good exercise. But in any case, by sharing what you are experiencing you also can get feedback from us, by the people who support you.
I wish I had falling fruit in my garden. Right now I'm trying to figure out what I can do for the soil, it doesn't retain enough water. I know you have tons to do, but have you thought that you could make some preserves out of the fruit?
Just a thought. But I'd be making some jam, especially for the holidays.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
This is just absolutely too much......the fact that your narc sister informs you that she wants to go to YOUR ex-MIL's funeral! Yes, I guess we all know people like this. Quite pathetic they have to resort to someone else's funeral, no less probably someone they really never even knew that well to make themselves look good,
Well, apparently your auntie doesn't have a clue about what is really going on, either. I experience this a lot, when others in our family (people who never come see mother), don't really know the dynamics about my narc sister, either.
These relatives will certainly point out to me, if ever we bump into one another at a funeral, of all places.......how much my sister does for mom, blah di blah!
Sometimes my sister has been more in touch w/these relatives, and I do know she's painted the picture to them that I do absolutely nothing, etc. It used to bother me more, in the past, but no more. Anyway, I realize that sometimes I am aware that some people do have an issue telling an elder like an aunt or uncle a thing or two, based on "the respect," factor. But sometimes we can also find a way to let them know also, that the topic is also not up for discussion. I find nothing wrong with that. Besides, people get brainwashed that just because someone is older than we are, we are just to shut up, and listen to gratuitous opinions, about touchy subject matter. It's really none of their business.
Well I hope you find a caregiver for that day, so that you can attend the service.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Yes, Kazz TS1 is a counselor, licensed professional. She and I have always had issues. She was the apple of Mom's eye and TS2 was the apple of dad's eye. They stuck together tonight like I have never seen. I was the rebellious one, never tried to hide my wrongdoings though. Too freaking honest for my own good. Was very glad I got back when I did, Mom was just getting up to go to the bathroom, found her hubby in the living room with the caregiver. Started her confabulating, that he has a girlfriend. It had only been going on for about 10 mminutes. Thank goodness, much later and she would have escalated and would have been impossible to settle her down.
Progress is being made on my house. All my things are out for cleaning. Walls and insulation in the process of being removed. It has become a relief, I think ask me tomorrow. Tired now.
Not a great day but I got some things done. Pears are falling off the pear tree like crazy right now, but not as much as last year. I think the cool summer here has the fruit trees confused. No apples at all, really, for first time in 3 years. Last year the apple tree was full, as was the pear tree. I don't mind less fruit falling. These trees are 40 years old and overgrown as it is and its a daily extra job to keep up with the cleaning up of the fallen fruit or it rots/gets nibbled on the ground and is more messy to clean.
Hope everyone had a nice Wednesday.
Glad~ I love the twisted sister 1 & 2.
Without being completely selfish with my own issues, I am checking on FMLA leave for a couple weeks because my daughter told me she cannot exert much energy w/o her bp sky rocketing. I thought they gave her a transfusion but they didn't so she is having some problems and her hubby is doing all he can, plus he won't let her do very much...which is probably good.
Thanks for making the arrangements so that I can go to the memorial service, too
After arrangements were finalized late last night. Nice enough for show. She had not even said that if I couldn't make arrangements she would take care of it! I am at a slow simmer. If I hadn't found someone I would have been the one to miss it. It is all about the show with very heavy influence from narc sis.
I am absolutely disgusted with their behavior. It is an hour away from here and with rush hour traffic, sissies may not even get there. Everything happens for a reason. Anybody want to flatten some tires for me?