
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I hope you do find a way or someone who can take care of your mom while you attend the memorial service. When my mom passed away last year. All my siblings and their children were going to go to mom's funeral. No one bothered to find someone to stay home to be with bedridden dad. Like you, I knew that if I didn't find someone quick, that I would be the one staying home...even though I put half of my life taking care of mom. My siblings had to show face to all their friends, relatives and coworkers at mom's funeral. They didn't care about me - if I ended up staying home ... Because someone had to be with dad. And it wasn't going to be them.
I ended up calling my caregiver's respite program (NFCSP) to ask them if they know of any organization that I can pay to come and be with my dad on the day of mom's funeral. They found someone. That person, unfortunately that morning of mom's funeral, was called to jury duty. She quickly found a fellow caregiver to cover for her. Thank Goodness!!! So, I know how you feel about the siblings not wanting to help you - because they need to be at the memorial to show face to all. I hope really really hard that it all falls in place.
I've tried several times to back off from here but ... I get stressed out, and I'm baaaack. For me, this is the only place where people Understand what we're going through and give such great advice. When I first started posting here, it was sooo weird to get these CyberHUGS. Now, I don't even think it's weird. Sometimes those HUGS really really really helped me a lot. Go figure! {{{{HUGS}}} from missing you.
I'm sensitive to fluctuations in my body and I really think being unexpectedly dropped off hormones for 2 months has played a big part of things getting so dramatic inside my head. Thankfully, I do have a new Rx and have been taking for about 3 weeks.
I need this thread as a means of support in my life. I have precious little else that is supportive or positive right now. So here is my attempt to just take a baby step towards getting back on here regularly. I've been reading here and there, and hope I'm up to speed on everyone's biggest happenings.
Hope all Americans had a nice Labor Day weekend, and hope everyone is doing generally well! Hugs.
Glad~I certainly know how situations can strengthen us to get us through other difficult situations.
Kazza~I am so sorry about your auntie.Even though we have these dysfunctional relationships with family and we are distant from them.....it can still affect our emotions as it brings up things from the past that can be painful memories or even good memories of the person.
Me1000~I vote for not doing the yard. You will eventually realize that you don't have to be at your families beck and call. I don't think you are there yet and that is ok. You will get there. Hugs to you!!
Well, three day weekends gotta hate em. Brings out all the dysfunction when sibs don't have enough to do. Got an email from narc sis responding to mine from a week ago asking for help with Mom so I could go look at the extent of damage to my house. She went into the poor me crap, we haven't even talked on the phone for 2.5 years, how I yell and scream at her, how I don't listen to her suggestions, how she is sad about the fire right with me, how is my friend, she only checks email from family once a week and shy don't I let her know what is going on? Just on and on and on. POOR SIS. Then she left voice mail on my phone saying she hoped I would talk to her. She was "curious" about the fire. No mention of help or anything else. AND went into the dysfunctional nonsense, and hit reply all. Bad idea. The email she was responding to I also sent to a neighbor that helped with my mom that day. Then she wrote another one, this time did not include the neighbor, but decided to copy auntie dearest who wants to be left out of this mess and has not told sis yet, evidently.
Then auntie starts in on me, stating she is appalled at all the attorneys that have become involved in this, like it is my fault. Two years ago this started as a result of my darling sisters calling in a false report to APS. So, yes I got an attorney. And that attorney was also to review a care agreement that I had been told was in the works. Well, still waiting on that one. Started talking about agreement 2.5 years ago! Sisters were too concerned about their inheritance if Mom would pay me for her care. Initially, they offered to pay me, in the very beginning, three years ago, now. At that time I told them let's just wait a few months and see where this goes. So, instead, let's all get attorneys and spend mom's money on them when this could have been settled for a few thousand dollars 2.5 years ago if brats had done what they know Mom would want. Even have evidence written by sister in the form of email and another letter she sent to who knows how many people that went into what I have done in my life that she doesn't approve of going back nearly 40 years! Unbelievable!
Well, dear sisters and auntie, regardless of what you think, and have said about me, even to my children, I am still here taking excellent care of my Mom.
This job is definitely not for the faint of heart. And this struggle with sisters prepped me for the fire. Two or three years ago the fire would have had much more of an emotional impact on me. It ain't over till the fat lady sings. Soon....
Mom has always been a lazy person. She also doesn't seem to feel love. I've always had the feeling that she didn't really love my father, she just wanted someone to take care of her. She didn't drive and wasn't educated. They had 4 kids, but there was no love shown. It was a sterile household when it comes to loving.
I've wondered how death of her family members, including my father, didn't seem to affect my mother much. She seems to use presentation of grief more for show than anything else. Something is amiss.
Tonight I was watching a video, Gone from My Sight, suggested here on Aging Care. I realized that my mother doesn't have any of the symptoms that death is nearing. She has the appetite of a horse and doesn't sleep much. All her stats are fine. She's a crazy as a bessie bug, but otherwise okay. But each day she acts like it is her last day on earth and she won't do anything. She has gotten into this thing lately that she wants me to serve her water in her chair, so she won't have to get up. I won't do that.
Have any of you wondered what if we're being played like a fiddle by a truly lazy or evil parent? The thought that someone would harm their children in this way is terrible, but I know people who love themselves alone are capable to dreadful acts. I hope I am just being paranoid or crazy myself. I hope so.
me1000 you need to think of you sometimes and take regular breaks when you can! Im only 48 my mum is 78 this year she may outlive me IF i let her!!
Hugs to you and prayers that it will all work out in the end!!!!
Emjo hope youre getting better yes i think i may have dysbyosis too stress is not good?? I can bloat up to a 6mth pregnant lady its shocking to see BUT am off wheat and dairy so so far so good great to see your feet again!!!!!!
Grandpa and I argued, son turned on water over my weeds I just sprayed and was going to weed eat thankfully nothing happened. I let my feelings known to a neighbor that Im officially done and cant handle anyone anymore incl friends, family and neighbors telling me what they feel is or isnt best for my family or actually what grandpa needs. I mean, I am all for suggestions. I do take 90% or more of them!! I always ask anyways!!! From here to!!! This neighbor and I have our issues..shes says I should be there all the time and work after.. that neighbor... but she also is an angel under the same breath for caring for my grandpa, her and her family even though they hate me, have done wonderful for grandpa.( visit, clean, shop, go out to eat ) I always tell them thank you and words arent enough. Grandpa pays them for their trouble most times too.
Anyways if you take all what I said in all of my rambles thats all we talked about. I have officially had it!! I love everyone but no matter what I say no one believes me they believe my Aunt or him. I am not that bad of a person Im the one who cares for my family, Im the one who cant stand to see them upset or in pain, Im the one physically and mentally taking a beating... Im the one who showers him, helps him walk and dress him when he cant, Im the one doing the same for my kids as well as soon to be my dad.. but yet Im the bad guy.. I have no life, I wear clothes with holes and clorox splatter, I am obese I cut my own hair, I dont go to the Dr .. haha no time anyways besides no money... I am pulling weeds, I cook, etc you all know what has to be done. Oh add its seems the worse he got, the less help I get!!!! I dont mind ..really, but can I do it without being told" oh god I dont know what Id do without you, your here you do so much for me," then later I get it thrown in my face of why cant you.. but she can... but.. well no more!!! Oh its like on the job thing, Im told get a job.. no dont be there all the time.. I feel like Im wrapped in a blanket and on a wobble thing and they are taking turns pushing me waiting for me to fall. Or like the hot potato game.. throwing me a round where I cant ever land on my feet. Either I pull myself outa this hell or Im losing everything and let me tell you my future is with my kids ( middle of no where would be good but idk how I would make money)
Im sorry Im just .. I have no one to talk to except you all You all have heard it all from me but.. If I dont release this I feel like I will just explode.
Do you know whats its like to go to the store and not be able to buy feminine pads? For real, Im there. Even in my dreams Im at the store and and I realize I have no purse cuz I have no money or my wallet has play money and everyone is laughing at you in the dream?
A friend got me a discounted brand new dvd player when my brother saw it he said "but we have one its the same one i bought mum?" YES i said but ITS MINE DO YOU THINK IM ALWAYS GOING TO BE HERE?? he looked surprised? gosh do they really think i am going to live out my years here looking after mum sorry but i have no intention of living with her for much longer its hell i keep waiting for her moods to become more passive so i can get things done BUT im not sure if she will ever be passive shes such an angry woman its impossible to make her happy! I make her as happy as i can theres not alot more i can do for her!
Sis is coming home next week for 4days so i am trying to think where i can run and hide as ive no money to get away again. No worries i will ask my angels to send me the money IF NOT i have a friends house i can hide in! SIS seemed pleased i had no money as its my birthday when she comes if it was ME i would give her the money to go away afterall im looking after her mum all year round?? but then sisters dont think like me NO not a caring bone in thier bodies!
Well, Im watching how my dad and my grandpas health is Im how much work and stress Im under and looking at my kids. Im scared and cant go now for all tests needed so I have to wait until I work.BUT the good news is I found a place and they had a sliding scale for pay but I dont even have $10 to give but... after that they have "No client will be denied reproductive health services because of an inability to pay" yeah!!! I plan on paying but just to get started maybe? Also, I know I cant handle my grandpa/dad 24hrs a day, besides kids thats a lot of wear and tear on me mentally and physically. I could have and should have done more over the years and will continue to help.. but... only during the night and days I have off of work. Well, not working yet, but Im going back to applying!!! I will always be there for them but in limits and of course emergencies!
Im just so worn down, I finally slept a lil better last night( not sleeping good for three days will do that to ya besides a cold) Oh NyQuil helped but I dont like taking it because I need to be awake for anyone who needs me but thats all I had in the cabinet!
Sorry you all that my spelling is off( ok sometimes I purposely shortens or abbreviate them) Sorry my wording is always off and I ramble and make no sense... But in my defense... Im not perfect and Im not here for a grade although I would like to sound like all you because you all make sense!! But I am who I am and I can be chatty ( like now ha) or just tired and who care angry or whatever mood!!! Ok, back to check on grandpa and back to cleaning!!! ( Lots of caffeine today!!!)
kazzaa-Im so sorry about the news of your Aunt and of course it brings up all those memories. They sound like my family" Only if you were like" Only if you did" Only if you would " Why cant you be like" Ya, I heard them all to. But, for the present Im here for you and anytime you want to vent or we can compare stories Im here with a great big hug for you! Can you try to get your mom talking about something else? Hang in there.
Veronica91- HAHA!!! Good idea! That be kinda cool actually...
How wonderful! I am so happy for you, and I'll bet you took some great pictures of Ethan and Logan! Hope you can find a way to get some more time with your daughter and the twins.
Congratulations Grandma!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Oh its just like "groundhog day" now mum is dragging up all the family past crap all the badness is coming out again now with mum my dads died now her SIL i guess shes now getting scared of her own mortality so i feel for her i guess but ENOUGH ALREADY ive heard these stories my whole life...................ITS BORING!
Should be a good old "dysfunctional funeral" though! Maybe a few drunkin punch-ups!! Alot of this family have gripes with this woman so yes should be "interesting". Oh god help me does this ever end!! I want to go to bed and wake up when its all over!!!!!!!!!!!
So nice to have some good things happen when we are dealing with so much pain and sorrow with our parents!!