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multipass i think weve the same mum!! yeh mum and dad seperated 38yrs ago she kicked him out when he had an affair hes since died last december and shes still going on about what a sh*t he was? we have a saying here dont speak ill of the dead? guess mum never got that one? Its draining to be dragged into thier issues all your life? i shut off now and let her rant shes getting old facing her own death and her whole unhappy life is coming out its thier anger so let her rant just ignore it if you can trust me i know its hard same old stories told years and years later its just so sad HA "closure" nah mum will never get closure until shes at peace one day. mum and dad should never have been together mum blames dad for her whole life BUT i know differently when i met mums brother who id never met he said i see your mums still as bitter as ever? i said thats not nice so would you be if you were left to look after 5 young children on your own? WHAT he said shes been bitter ALL her life before she met my dad?? so everything came out then so i blame them both! mum was an angry woman before she met dad and thats why he left but whatever happened between them he wasnt a good father and mum did bring us up on her own so for that i am here and grateful BUT it dosnt mean i am a punching bag for her constant abuse and misery i cannot fix her or make her bad memories go away and either can you! We just make sure they are cared for and safe mum thinks shes neglected well maybe a bit as i cant and wont listen to hateful bitter comments about her life im done hearing it so tired i pray she finds peace soon so one day ill find peace too! its never fair to do this to kids its so wrong yep torn my whole life between them told "dont you dare cry at his funeral OR ill kick you out" whatever he was still my dad and i forgave him i pray now that i can forgive her too! Hugs as it hurts when we are the pawns in thier mess but we rise above it and try not to make the same mistakes they made thats our reward!
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Multipass,

Welcome to the thread.
There are tons of stories very similar to your's.
Setting boundaries is of primary importance, and as has been stated, sticking to them, which is the harder part of this. Please try to look at her comments, such as ......."all I've done for you," as her attempts of manipulation, rather than going down guilt lane. If you don't start changing the way you analyze this.......it will be difficult to employ the whole concept of setting boundaries. One has to work in tandem with the other, or it just doesn't work.
It is really a difficult decision when it comes to moving a parent closer/or, into your own home. Many times prospective caregivers aren't fully aware of the demands they are taking on. So do try to search the site, or look at other resources concerning becoming a full time caregiver.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sandwich,

WOW! Well, I can't tell you how happy I am for you that finally your mom seems to have been placed in the proper facility. Yes, I really think that in many cases as such it is better to look at oneself as "the agent/ vs. the daughter."
That make a lot of sense. Congratulations, and proof that there is still light at the end of the tunnel.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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sandwich42plus- I do say no and its h*ll on wheels. I get the "I do everything for you and dont ask a dime"- all of this is for you and the kids- you need to make me your priority sometimes. I do. I told him when Im down their 11-12hors a night ( very very rare I was there "late" only there 9 hours I still clean and put pills in the pill box etc..) So Im not cleaning because he doesn't hear me moving things around while hes sitting up? Thats my impression and hes all "didnt say that" He wants time with me says he never sees me... well .. IDK he needs other companions, I love him too but I want time with him and not always having to rush to appts and clean.. and get yelled at!( in between the rare its good but...). Oh, and when I told him how bad the yard is" why dont you keep up with it" or he says he'll pay someone then complains about it!!! blah!!!!!!

So, because I have no job right now, isnt it wrong of me not to run there and help him or just go over bills and such? I owe him and this is the only way I can pay him back for all he has done is by being there for him. When I limit the time, I feel guilty. I also feel guilty about my kids and try everyday to get them to go with me but they dont want esp my daughter. I really wish I had a week to get away even if its on the other side of town camping! I really need the time to think and decide things.

Thank you !!! :)
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Me1000, you have got to stop enabling the problem. Put your kids and your own life first, and I mean it. This is not wrong. This is the natural order of things. Grandpa and Dad do not get to monopolize your time. Especially when you are facing fines from the city for neglecting your property.

You have GOT to learn the word NO. No, I can't now. I can't until next month. I can't until next week. I can't do that at all. You hereby have permission to say NO to all the things pulling on you that are causing you stress and to miss out on your kids & home life.

Grandpa & Dad need to be seen by social workers & doctors. They need to be in a nursing home or at the least have more outside help to stay home. THIS IS NOT YOU.

If your own kids are pleading to get more time with mom, there's a reason. Do not ignore this. Stop assigning yourself to Grandpa's problems. By you being there, nobody else is going to step in and fill your spot.

YOU are not the only person who can take care of grandpa. So what if grandpa insists? Sounds like Grandpa needs more care than what you can provide anyway. I say it's time to find a nursing home or senior apartment for grandpa, and let social services take over.
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Hey all, hope you all are doing well. As far as my life everyday is the same routine... now my daughter made a comment Im not here, I know Ive said it but once in a while my kids want me later at night ( until 8:30pm) and sometimes at night even though shes asleep and so am I, its where I belong to be. I mean if I was working at night she would still feel the effects but I cant even spend one or two nights a week with her.. but overall I cant...no one to be with grandpa. She doesnt want to come down there but I see her point its should be time with her in our home. Granpa insisted Im there when the nurse is there..but I sent dad..insists me to go over bills right now with him which is a week or so before payday! Im trying to get my house done... Hmm I wonder if I can take a pic of my yard and upload here as my avatar pic? I can mow my rocks!!! Yes, rocks because all the weeds have grown in the rocks and the stop sign has grass and weeds growing around but the kicker? The big kicker is I will be fined because by the stop sign is one of those wheel chair ramps from the street( we are corner house)!!! Must be clear so the handicap/people with strollers etc can go up..

Again if I didnt have other things to do and kids to raise, Id be able and willing to be there anytime. In the car this morning my dad was trying to talk to be but while he was driving I took the opportunity to go over some other things on paper... for my grandpa!!!!! Every time Im out I think,, ok its almost lunch or dinner.. figure out... whatever...I look at my clock and think I been gone to long have to get back. My gosh.. thats how I feel about my kids!!!
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Multipass - Yes, been there. We will write you a note if you need it to set yourself free from other peoples' chains.

Every one of us here has someone - usually a mom - who would get to Heaven and ask to see the upstairs. Their happiness and choices are not our responsibility. You will NEVER make someone like that happy because they don't know how to be happy. Your job is to take care of you. If you have to step in, it's to preserve their safety. Not happiness. My mom is living proof happiness is just the right dosage away.

Decades of Borderline personality disorder, bi-polar, schizophrenia, dementia and here we are finally with her version of "happy" courtesy of 3 very strong meds.

I had to learn to let it go. Let her go. I ended up taking a role more like her "agent" than daughter.
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Multipass, it's always such a shame when people divorce and can't get past their own bitterness to see that their kids didn't divorce the other parent. This is sure one of those "well Mom, we'll just have to agree to disagree so let's drop it".

Just a heads up on difficult moms who have to have their own way - as they get older, their health and mobility mean they can't do the things they always have. They don't always adapt but expect you to adapt however needed to make sure they still get their way. Boundaries really are critical here because otherwise you start doing things "just this time to keep the peace" and slowly find yourself in a situation that is not a good one.

As for "after all I've done for you", that works both ways.
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Sandwich-I am glad they have found a combination of meds to keep your mother calm. It is an adjustment for you to see her but a big relief as well.

Camaryllis-your mil will be adjusting to this for a while. Getting her rechecked for the UTI is good. Maybe in a few months she will be up for spending some time at the senior center for some socialization with others.

Have a good day everyone!
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Multipass, it sounds like you're being tormented by the mirage - we all see it sometimes - of your mother's happiness. If you can only get things perfect, she'll be happy. Even though you know life just doesn't work like that.

You love her.
You are appreciative of her as your parent.
You are sympathetic to her current situation, and keen to help her find an environment where she will be comfortable.

You are not going to join her in trashing your Dad.
You are not going to sacrifice your own life in some (almost certainly futile) gesture of devotion.
She is not moving in with you. No. Forget it. Not happening.

Perhaps it's a question of deciding, when your mother asks something of you, whether or not what she's asking is reasonable. Not just whether she's strictly entitled to it, but whether you're happy to offer it, whether it demands too much of you or not, whether it impacts on anything else important. So then you can say yes or no, according to your own lights; and how she reacts to your response is then up to her.

The worst case scenario process is also very helpful: you say no to something, she's angry about it, what's the worst that can happen? The worst is usually not so bad. Sometimes, as with my dear ex-MIL, it's bloody marvellous - she didn't speak to me for years, oh blessed peace.

I suppose it all boils down to accepting that you can't decide what she does, but you can decide what you do, so you concentrate on your bit and worry less about hers. And in particular you refuse to accept responsibility for things - such as your parents' past, her decisions and her feelings - that are utterly beyond your control.
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195Austin- Your welcome!!!

Margeaux- Oh wow, thats not easy for anyone in your moms house! Congrats to your niece but yikes! Your mom went through a lot just as you are..hugs to you!

kazzaa- ;) Yup, I agree, this website would have a lot of folks on about our sis or even male siblings and friends! Thats the way to do it, drunk lol!! When I used to drink I would also get more daring and let it go!!! Yup.. families!

camaryllis- I wish the best for her and you. Hugs

gladimhere- I took cipro a few times, but I know it effects people differently. and also the older the person is. Im glad you thought of the name, I forgot what it was that I took the last time.

sandwich42plus- I am also your mom is doing better and the way you answered her had me smiling. You answered her perfectly and I can just picture that smile on her face :) Im also glad this facility is nicer. Good deal on the shoes too!

Multipass- Im sorry you had to grow up in that situation, and you as an adult have the choice to see your dad or not, no matter the situation. I understand what your mom went through and what she still feels, but this about you and your dad and she may be trying to protect you still. You have made peace with your family/life and all you can do is encourage your mom to do the same. I think having a condo for her would be nice or if she chooses not to move, maybe everyone can teach her how to use Skype, call her or mail her more? Im sure you all already do though. Have her stay at a hotel near you and have places already picked out to live, shop, centers to visit so she can get a feel for the area and start meeting friends? I wish you luck hugs
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Christine so sorry MIL seems to have taken a turn for the worse. it is possible it is only temorary and once the infection is gone and the funeral over hopefully she will be more herself. It is a long time to be married but try and be as matter of fact with your consoling. Skip the pity party and concentrate on the positive sides of their marriage just in case she turns your sympathy into bids for attention. Start looking at place when she can go before this puts too much strain on you and Charles.
you are an amazing young woman and there is nothing you can't do if you have to. When the time comes you will be an awesome Mom too. God bless you.
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Multipass-Yes most of us here have had or are dealing with a difficult demanding parent, more commonly it seems to be our mothers or mother in laws. Setting boundaries is hard to establish but once accomplished, it does help to keep stress and heartache down. You are wise in not having her live with you. I would not let her know about time you spend with your dad, even phone calls. My mom would get upset when I would set a boundary or if I held her accountable and we would not speak for several weeks but I refused to give in or apologize to her. Evenly shewould calm down and we carried on. When she would start her talk, I would leave. Here you will get lots of support, a listening ear and suggestions. Come back and share as much as you like. Welcome to the thread.
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Sandwich so glad Mom is finally under control but what a shocking change for you. you must feel you don't know if your are comming or going. all I can say is that she is in the right place and being taken care of. but it scared me when you mentioned her age. I am 18 months shy of 77 and wonder if I will be in that situation by then.

Mulltipass my dad left when I was 10. Mum refused his request for a divorce and he spent a long time trying to find evidence so he could get one. the law being different in the UK at that time. When I was 18 I was able to reconnect with him and often visited with his new family. My Mum was insanely jealous and tried to find out everything she could from me but I kept quiet. She would try and find letter to read so i had to be very careful not to leave anything around. once we forgot our little kids boots when we visited and Mum immediately spotted that they were missing so knew where we had been. When dad's wife, by then, mailed them back she handed me the parcel with great glee.
Thank goodness she never lived with us as she could not get to our house alone and we had to pick her up.but it is interesting to hear how other people are dealing with their aging parents.
Once when hubb'y sompany sent us to nashville for a year she was all set to spend a month's vaction with us bringing along her elderly friend. i liked the woman but did not fancy them in the house for a month and no way of getting out as I was still " driving on the wrong side of the road" and scared of city traffic. Not to mention 2 babies under two!
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If any one can offer advice, or just a "been there!" it would be greatly appreciated. At 49, I have spent the last 25 years listening to my mom be a victim after she and my dad divorced in 1989. I stuck with her, because no one else would have. She's a smart woman, but blames everything that happens on my dad, and insists that I should have nothing to do with him, and many times asks invasive questions like "when did you see him?" "Did you see her, too?" (My parents grew apart, divorced, and my dad remarried a few years later.) I've always had a good relationship with him, but my mother said that we (my brother and I - adults) should never speak to him again. Anyway, she lives two hours from my husband and I. Any time we've had her spend the weekend with us just to visit, it has ended up with her getting mad over something trivial and retreating to the guest bedroom. Usually, it is because we didn't chime in with her about my dad, because it's rare that she doesn't bring it up. (Remember, it's been 25 years and her behavior has been bringing it up during 95% of our conversations for 25 years.) She chose to keep the house and take care of it. Now, at 83, she is becoming scared of being alone and wants to be near her children. Her physical health is not at the point where she can take care of her property much longer. We are looking at condos for her in our town, because, sadly, we know that we could never live together harmoniously, with her tendency to go into hiding if things don't go quite her way. I love my mother - she raised me well and was good to me. But, that does not excuse her from continually demanding that I chose between her and my dad. I try to be optimistic and offer positive solutions, but she says I don't understand because I'm not 83. Well, I'm not, but I'm an intelligent, caring person. Usually the solution I read about is "setting boundaries". I've tried that, but it never works with her. She is very difficult and things have to go just her way, and I'm always ready to hear, "after all I've done for you...". If she moves to another town in a condo she'll be scared to go out. If she stays where she is, she complains that her kids aren't near. I've been told that I'm a really good daughter for putting up with all this, but I know what will happen if she moves in with us. Again, this is probably just venting on my end. I have a good job and a great spouse, who understands how she is. I'm very practical, so she tells me "it would be great if everything were that simple" when I try to offer practical solutions. I guess I will just have to draw a line with her and tell her that we want to help her, but clearly outline the options. Has anyone else out there had a parent that was clearly difficult like this? By the way, I tried to condense the situation but sorry it was still long.
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Sandwich, it must be a complete shock to your system! I cannot imagine! I would probably start wondering if I had imagined everything else. LOL!
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It's really bizarre to see her go from snarling, charging, snot-flinging, punch throwing holy devil to a 77 year old little girl who wants a bear hug. I don't know if I can resolve the two things!
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Sandwich, so good to hear that things are settling down for your mom and they seem to have found the right medications to keep her comfortable. Funny, my mom too, always worries about whether everybody is safe.
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Mom's in memory care now. Memory care being polite code for the super-max security geriatric psych unit. It's locked, and mom has an ankle bracelet. The unit is actually nicer than the one she was in, in the early dementia care unit. This campus is huge, and I am constantly amazed at how much is under one roof!

Mom's on a whopper dose of prozac, risperidol, and aricept. We visited on Saturday, and instead of an agitated, raging, mean old lady, we found her bundled up in bed, and more like a little girl. She was surprised we found her. She wanted "a great big bear hug" and just went on & on about seeing us meant her sins were forgiven and she was trying to be good.

She kept saying her hands and feet were broken, but they weren't. Probably sore from having to be subdued by the police when she went on her rampage 2 weeks ago, and having her blood sugar checked several times a day. She wouldn't sit up or try to use her limbs at all. I had her wiggle her fingers & toes to show her they still work. I know they have her up & going to PT.

She wanted to know if I was "still abusing" my husband & kids! What the what? My husband was sitting right there and we were put off kilter by that one. She wanted to know if her brother & sisters were alive - yes. She asked if I'd talked to her mom(who died in 1998). I punted and said no, not lately but she loves you very much and wants you to know it will all be ok. That one almost choked me up.
The look on her face was like a little girl who just had a pat on the head.

Then we went through a litany several times about is the US safe, is the president safe, are we safe, are the grandkids safe, etc. i just kept saying everybody will be just fine, and she is in the safest place possible.

I put her new bedroom shoes on and she liked them. They're the boiled wool ones that have a velcro instep strap, so it fits over high insteps like hers. She has skyscrapers for insteps. It's pretty hard to find shoes for her. I found these for $26! More than half price off!

I also got her some very lightweight sneakers for PT. No more sandals & mules! I put the pigtail elastic laces in them, so no tying. It's so weird. A year ago, she was in a 4 bedroom hoarder house full to the max, raising cane and full of big talk about everything. Today, all her belongings fit on a twin bed. What a trip this has been so far.

God bless medication. God bless the doctors who treated her for the past week at the geriatric psych crisis unit at the hospital. Lordy, I hope this stable period lasts for a good while. God bless the people at the care center she lives at. And i thank my lucky stars I have not had to go facility hunting through this!
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Cipro, I imagine.
Side effect short list from WebMD

Ciprofloxacin and levofloxacin

Call your doctor right away if you have:

Hives.
Sudden pain after exercise (especially in your ankle, back of the knee or leg, shoulder, elbow, or wrist).
Pain, burning, numbness, tingling, or weakness.
Fainting.
An irregular or slow heart rate
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Glad, can't remember which antibiotic, but it started with a C. I will call the dr. on Monday and see if they can see her again. She was crying not to put her back in the hospital, getting really upset. So that probably will be a challenge. All her symptoms are attributable to the UTI, according to the dr. and what I have read and heard here...she is so difficult, won't drink water unless I stand over her and insist. I got her some pedialyte, she will drink that, so also got some stuff that flavors the water and maybe that will work. We had to watch FIL every minute he was awake, and I don't know if I can take this again. Well, I think I can't but of course I can. Just dreading it.
Thanks for your support
Christine
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Thanks, Glad and Margeaux,
Yes, she is a narcissist who needs attention, so this might be part of the 'grieving widow' scenario. And yes, of course she is grieving, she was married for 68 years. Regardless that all she ever did was complain about FIL and how he was mistreating her. This morning was the worst morning yet. She came out of her bedroom naked, with the fitted sheet wrapped around her shoulders, and was talking word salad crazy and could barely walk. Her room looked like a tornado had hit it. I am not sure what to do with her. She has been taking the antibiotics just a day and a half and she had an injection at the doctor's office. Charles is frantic, not sure if he should check her into the hospital rather than taking her to the funeral. I figure there is enough family there to help him as needed, and he can't not take her. So he will, and his daughter is here and can help on the way down. I got her to eat some oatmeal and drink some water, and take her meds. And she is calmer and more coherent now. So hard to say if it is the UTI or grief or just drama. So hard to figure that out! Adding the dysfunction to the grief and infection. Who knows what will help. I am trying. And so is Charles.
Thanks for sharing that, Margeaux, I do know she is feeling lost. I am trying to find things that comfort her. I am going to take FIL's shirts and make a small quilt from them, that might help her too.
The only good news is that I am going to have tonight and most of tomorrow to myself. I am trying to breathe. I have some projects that need to be done, that I haven't even started yet, so maybe tomorrow I can get to work on those. Creativity is very low right now! I may end up making a goddess of Dementia. Actually, that is a good idea, but not appropriate for what I am donating the doll to. :)
Also, MIL is letting me move her into FIL's old room, it is bigger and is not the storage room. So she can have the whole closet and less things to trip over. Although she has to try really hard to trip over things where she is now, but still she does it. Aaaaahhh.
Thanks for listening
Christine
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Camaryllis,

Also remember that she's just lost her husband.
No matter her own physical problems, or her psychological history, some of this behavior could be playing itself out in this manner also.

Mom lost her sister who was a narcissist, and totally controlled my mom, as mom was younger. As I became older, I got it that these two sisters had survived the Depression era, and the loss of their dad when they were adolescent girls.
Their mother, (my grandmother) was from the old country, and didn't speak English, living in the U.S. So mom and her older sister had to take the reigns, become young adults at a time in their life they yet weren't ready for. They quit school, and went to work, to survive. So what did that do w/in the dynamics between these two sisters? It made the older one, (who was very domineering) become a mother hen to mom. In more recent years....I really saw this play out between the two of them. Sometimes I viewed my aunt as mom's mother. So when mom lost her sister, and mom has ALZ, I saw mom behave differently, and had to deal w/my sister's comments about mom's lucid comments about her own sister. Of course, my sister being the controller, and an extremely impatient person......she'd tell me, about some of the things mom was doing or saying. In essence, I thought that my sister was being rather insensitive as to how mom was feeling about the loss of her sister. Why? Because mom has ALZ. So in my sister's head, it became abundantly clear almost as if mother didn't have the where with all to be grieving, or the right. I had to point out to her after hearing this for over a month, that mother even w/ALZ, was grieving the loss.

Anyway, I'm not trying to imply that this is what you are doing, but I just thought I'd post about this, so that you could be aware of this process also. I think often times people forget that people, no matter their age, or mental state still do grieve.

Anyway, try to be patient. Certainly, if you think this medication may not be the proper one, do have her checked once again.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Christine, the antibiotics should make a difference within 48 hours. What antibiotic did they prescribe and for how long? She may have immunity to what she is taking, it may require another one. If she is not back to herself Monday I would call the doc. They may want to recheck her. There is a chance that the specimen they took was contaminated, happens when they don't clean themselves well enough after #2. Unless they send in a culture which takes several days to read, you just do not know for sure whether it is really an infection. My Mom has to be catheterized to insure a sterile specimen. The worst experience we had with a contaminated sample I had to keep calling to doc for results. They told me something was growing, but weren't sure what yet. Finally almost a week later they said the specimen was contaminated! Geez! Frustrating!
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Hello,
Does anyone know how long it takes for the effects of the UTI to subside once they start taking antibiotics? MIL has been acting really weird, I am making an assumption that the crazy is coming from the UTI, and wondered how long to expect it to last?

Funeral is Monday, maybe after that things will calm down too. She keeps doing weird things, moving things around, doing and redoing things, can't talk straight, has been incontinent. Not like her. She is really vain and self centered. It is always all about her, and if we don't pay enough attention to her, which means excessively, she finds a way to get attention by either acting crazy or hurting herself. Aaaahhh. Round two.

Thanks for listening,
Christine
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;Margeaux-I would stand m6 ground in not allowing this ex friend back in. However, I wonder! If your sister has manipulated a visit from her saying she will caregive for mom because you have not been available when sis wants, she is trying to guilt you knowing how you feel about about the ex friend. I have more leverage with my sis as she does not live with mom in her house.
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yeh we could have a whole new website on sisters and friends!!!!! Ive learnt to keep them out of my life mum is enough work i dont need extra crap! But i will just say that when my dad died last december after the funeral we all got very drunk and POW WOW i said everything i wanted to say to my sisters it was pretty bad BUT i let it all out and i think it was a good thing now ive learnt i can never change them or make them feel guilty about mum so i just soldier on with mum and know im doing the right thing my sisters will have to live with the regrets for the rest of thier life! Yeh ive heard funerals are a good time for a family pow wow!! talk about emotions and all your anger coming out still better than paying for therapy! i just try and get along with my sisters now its easier now since the huge row as they know how i feel and i got alot of issues out!
Maybe we should do like in the simpsons..........gather all the family together in a room and give each other "shock treatment". oh families you gotta love them! LOL
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Thanks everybody, who gave me their input about my post.
Here I was kind of reluctant to post about it, since I had to really get my thoughts together.

I'm so grateful that I have come to know many of you, and am getting to know more of you too1

Hugs to All!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Brandywine,

Thank you. I appreciate that.
The only one my sister really cares about is herself.

How are things going with you?
How is your mother?


Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Austin,

This person was crossed off as a friend 12 yrs., now.
This is why I'm so annoyed by the fact my sister having this knowledge, would just go ahead and even ask me about this. But of course, her needs always over ride anything. Always! That's what I thought, that my sister is going to get her fill.

This is interesting what you've written about AC. I'm glad this thread is still thriving.
I like it alot, it's helped me tremendously. I've learned, and like the people here. I haven't been on too many other threads. I think we stay on topic pretty much.
It usually points back to dysfunction. So you think AC is, what did you call it pasteurizing comments? Well, I did read on another thread, that things got kind of hairy at one point. There appeared to be a rather hostile environment created, then I guess they closed the thread.

Thanks for your thoughts, Austin.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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