
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Welcome to the thread.
There are tons of stories very similar to your's.
Setting boundaries is of primary importance, and as has been stated, sticking to them, which is the harder part of this. Please try to look at her comments, such as ......."all I've done for you," as her attempts of manipulation, rather than going down guilt lane. If you don't start changing the way you analyze this.......it will be difficult to employ the whole concept of setting boundaries. One has to work in tandem with the other, or it just doesn't work.
It is really a difficult decision when it comes to moving a parent closer/or, into your own home. Many times prospective caregivers aren't fully aware of the demands they are taking on. So do try to search the site, or look at other resources concerning becoming a full time caregiver.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
WOW! Well, I can't tell you how happy I am for you that finally your mom seems to have been placed in the proper facility. Yes, I really think that in many cases as such it is better to look at oneself as "the agent/ vs. the daughter."
That make a lot of sense. Congratulations, and proof that there is still light at the end of the tunnel.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
So, because I have no job right now, isnt it wrong of me not to run there and help him or just go over bills and such? I owe him and this is the only way I can pay him back for all he has done is by being there for him. When I limit the time, I feel guilty. I also feel guilty about my kids and try everyday to get them to go with me but they dont want esp my daughter. I really wish I had a week to get away even if its on the other side of town camping! I really need the time to think and decide things.
Thank you !!! :)
You have GOT to learn the word NO. No, I can't now. I can't until next month. I can't until next week. I can't do that at all. You hereby have permission to say NO to all the things pulling on you that are causing you stress and to miss out on your kids & home life.
Grandpa & Dad need to be seen by social workers & doctors. They need to be in a nursing home or at the least have more outside help to stay home. THIS IS NOT YOU.
If your own kids are pleading to get more time with mom, there's a reason. Do not ignore this. Stop assigning yourself to Grandpa's problems. By you being there, nobody else is going to step in and fill your spot.
YOU are not the only person who can take care of grandpa. So what if grandpa insists? Sounds like Grandpa needs more care than what you can provide anyway. I say it's time to find a nursing home or senior apartment for grandpa, and let social services take over.
Again if I didnt have other things to do and kids to raise, Id be able and willing to be there anytime. In the car this morning my dad was trying to talk to be but while he was driving I took the opportunity to go over some other things on paper... for my grandpa!!!!! Every time Im out I think,, ok its almost lunch or dinner.. figure out... whatever...I look at my clock and think I been gone to long have to get back. My gosh.. thats how I feel about my kids!!!
Every one of us here has someone - usually a mom - who would get to Heaven and ask to see the upstairs. Their happiness and choices are not our responsibility. You will NEVER make someone like that happy because they don't know how to be happy. Your job is to take care of you. If you have to step in, it's to preserve their safety. Not happiness. My mom is living proof happiness is just the right dosage away.
Decades of Borderline personality disorder, bi-polar, schizophrenia, dementia and here we are finally with her version of "happy" courtesy of 3 very strong meds.
I had to learn to let it go. Let her go. I ended up taking a role more like her "agent" than daughter.
Just a heads up on difficult moms who have to have their own way - as they get older, their health and mobility mean they can't do the things they always have. They don't always adapt but expect you to adapt however needed to make sure they still get their way. Boundaries really are critical here because otherwise you start doing things "just this time to keep the peace" and slowly find yourself in a situation that is not a good one.
As for "after all I've done for you", that works both ways.
Camaryllis-your mil will be adjusting to this for a while. Getting her rechecked for the UTI is good. Maybe in a few months she will be up for spending some time at the senior center for some socialization with others.
Have a good day everyone!
You love her.
You are appreciative of her as your parent.
You are sympathetic to her current situation, and keen to help her find an environment where she will be comfortable.
You are not going to join her in trashing your Dad.
You are not going to sacrifice your own life in some (almost certainly futile) gesture of devotion.
She is not moving in with you. No. Forget it. Not happening.
Perhaps it's a question of deciding, when your mother asks something of you, whether or not what she's asking is reasonable. Not just whether she's strictly entitled to it, but whether you're happy to offer it, whether it demands too much of you or not, whether it impacts on anything else important. So then you can say yes or no, according to your own lights; and how she reacts to your response is then up to her.
The worst case scenario process is also very helpful: you say no to something, she's angry about it, what's the worst that can happen? The worst is usually not so bad. Sometimes, as with my dear ex-MIL, it's bloody marvellous - she didn't speak to me for years, oh blessed peace.
I suppose it all boils down to accepting that you can't decide what she does, but you can decide what you do, so you concentrate on your bit and worry less about hers. And in particular you refuse to accept responsibility for things - such as your parents' past, her decisions and her feelings - that are utterly beyond your control.
Margeaux- Oh wow, thats not easy for anyone in your moms house! Congrats to your niece but yikes! Your mom went through a lot just as you are..hugs to you!
kazzaa- ;) Yup, I agree, this website would have a lot of folks on about our sis or even male siblings and friends! Thats the way to do it, drunk lol!! When I used to drink I would also get more daring and let it go!!! Yup.. families!
camaryllis- I wish the best for her and you. Hugs
gladimhere- I took cipro a few times, but I know it effects people differently. and also the older the person is. Im glad you thought of the name, I forgot what it was that I took the last time.
sandwich42plus- I am also your mom is doing better and the way you answered her had me smiling. You answered her perfectly and I can just picture that smile on her face :) Im also glad this facility is nicer. Good deal on the shoes too!
Multipass- Im sorry you had to grow up in that situation, and you as an adult have the choice to see your dad or not, no matter the situation. I understand what your mom went through and what she still feels, but this about you and your dad and she may be trying to protect you still. You have made peace with your family/life and all you can do is encourage your mom to do the same. I think having a condo for her would be nice or if she chooses not to move, maybe everyone can teach her how to use Skype, call her or mail her more? Im sure you all already do though. Have her stay at a hotel near you and have places already picked out to live, shop, centers to visit so she can get a feel for the area and start meeting friends? I wish you luck hugs
you are an amazing young woman and there is nothing you can't do if you have to. When the time comes you will be an awesome Mom too. God bless you.
Mulltipass my dad left when I was 10. Mum refused his request for a divorce and he spent a long time trying to find evidence so he could get one. the law being different in the UK at that time. When I was 18 I was able to reconnect with him and often visited with his new family. My Mum was insanely jealous and tried to find out everything she could from me but I kept quiet. She would try and find letter to read so i had to be very careful not to leave anything around. once we forgot our little kids boots when we visited and Mum immediately spotted that they were missing so knew where we had been. When dad's wife, by then, mailed them back she handed me the parcel with great glee.
Thank goodness she never lived with us as she could not get to our house alone and we had to pick her up.but it is interesting to hear how other people are dealing with their aging parents.
Once when hubb'y sompany sent us to nashville for a year she was all set to spend a month's vaction with us bringing along her elderly friend. i liked the woman but did not fancy them in the house for a month and no way of getting out as I was still " driving on the wrong side of the road" and scared of city traffic. Not to mention 2 babies under two!
Mom's on a whopper dose of prozac, risperidol, and aricept. We visited on Saturday, and instead of an agitated, raging, mean old lady, we found her bundled up in bed, and more like a little girl. She was surprised we found her. She wanted "a great big bear hug" and just went on & on about seeing us meant her sins were forgiven and she was trying to be good.
She kept saying her hands and feet were broken, but they weren't. Probably sore from having to be subdued by the police when she went on her rampage 2 weeks ago, and having her blood sugar checked several times a day. She wouldn't sit up or try to use her limbs at all. I had her wiggle her fingers & toes to show her they still work. I know they have her up & going to PT.
She wanted to know if I was "still abusing" my husband & kids! What the what? My husband was sitting right there and we were put off kilter by that one. She wanted to know if her brother & sisters were alive - yes. She asked if I'd talked to her mom(who died in 1998). I punted and said no, not lately but she loves you very much and wants you to know it will all be ok. That one almost choked me up.
The look on her face was like a little girl who just had a pat on the head.
Then we went through a litany several times about is the US safe, is the president safe, are we safe, are the grandkids safe, etc. i just kept saying everybody will be just fine, and she is in the safest place possible.
I put her new bedroom shoes on and she liked them. They're the boiled wool ones that have a velcro instep strap, so it fits over high insteps like hers. She has skyscrapers for insteps. It's pretty hard to find shoes for her. I found these for $26! More than half price off!
I also got her some very lightweight sneakers for PT. No more sandals & mules! I put the pigtail elastic laces in them, so no tying. It's so weird. A year ago, she was in a 4 bedroom hoarder house full to the max, raising cane and full of big talk about everything. Today, all her belongings fit on a twin bed. What a trip this has been so far.
God bless medication. God bless the doctors who treated her for the past week at the geriatric psych crisis unit at the hospital. Lordy, I hope this stable period lasts for a good while. God bless the people at the care center she lives at. And i thank my lucky stars I have not had to go facility hunting through this!
Side effect short list from WebMD
Ciprofloxacin and levofloxacin
Call your doctor right away if you have:
Hives.
Sudden pain after exercise (especially in your ankle, back of the knee or leg, shoulder, elbow, or wrist).
Pain, burning, numbness, tingling, or weakness.
Fainting.
An irregular or slow heart rate
Thanks for your support
Christine
Yes, she is a narcissist who needs attention, so this might be part of the 'grieving widow' scenario. And yes, of course she is grieving, she was married for 68 years. Regardless that all she ever did was complain about FIL and how he was mistreating her. This morning was the worst morning yet. She came out of her bedroom naked, with the fitted sheet wrapped around her shoulders, and was talking word salad crazy and could barely walk. Her room looked like a tornado had hit it. I am not sure what to do with her. She has been taking the antibiotics just a day and a half and she had an injection at the doctor's office. Charles is frantic, not sure if he should check her into the hospital rather than taking her to the funeral. I figure there is enough family there to help him as needed, and he can't not take her. So he will, and his daughter is here and can help on the way down. I got her to eat some oatmeal and drink some water, and take her meds. And she is calmer and more coherent now. So hard to say if it is the UTI or grief or just drama. So hard to figure that out! Adding the dysfunction to the grief and infection. Who knows what will help. I am trying. And so is Charles.
Thanks for sharing that, Margeaux, I do know she is feeling lost. I am trying to find things that comfort her. I am going to take FIL's shirts and make a small quilt from them, that might help her too.
The only good news is that I am going to have tonight and most of tomorrow to myself. I am trying to breathe. I have some projects that need to be done, that I haven't even started yet, so maybe tomorrow I can get to work on those. Creativity is very low right now! I may end up making a goddess of Dementia. Actually, that is a good idea, but not appropriate for what I am donating the doll to. :)
Also, MIL is letting me move her into FIL's old room, it is bigger and is not the storage room. So she can have the whole closet and less things to trip over. Although she has to try really hard to trip over things where she is now, but still she does it. Aaaaahhh.
Thanks for listening
Christine
Also remember that she's just lost her husband.
No matter her own physical problems, or her psychological history, some of this behavior could be playing itself out in this manner also.
Mom lost her sister who was a narcissist, and totally controlled my mom, as mom was younger. As I became older, I got it that these two sisters had survived the Depression era, and the loss of their dad when they were adolescent girls.
Their mother, (my grandmother) was from the old country, and didn't speak English, living in the U.S. So mom and her older sister had to take the reigns, become young adults at a time in their life they yet weren't ready for. They quit school, and went to work, to survive. So what did that do w/in the dynamics between these two sisters? It made the older one, (who was very domineering) become a mother hen to mom. In more recent years....I really saw this play out between the two of them. Sometimes I viewed my aunt as mom's mother. So when mom lost her sister, and mom has ALZ, I saw mom behave differently, and had to deal w/my sister's comments about mom's lucid comments about her own sister. Of course, my sister being the controller, and an extremely impatient person......she'd tell me, about some of the things mom was doing or saying. In essence, I thought that my sister was being rather insensitive as to how mom was feeling about the loss of her sister. Why? Because mom has ALZ. So in my sister's head, it became abundantly clear almost as if mother didn't have the where with all to be grieving, or the right. I had to point out to her after hearing this for over a month, that mother even w/ALZ, was grieving the loss.
Anyway, I'm not trying to imply that this is what you are doing, but I just thought I'd post about this, so that you could be aware of this process also. I think often times people forget that people, no matter their age, or mental state still do grieve.
Anyway, try to be patient. Certainly, if you think this medication may not be the proper one, do have her checked once again.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Does anyone know how long it takes for the effects of the UTI to subside once they start taking antibiotics? MIL has been acting really weird, I am making an assumption that the crazy is coming from the UTI, and wondered how long to expect it to last?
Funeral is Monday, maybe after that things will calm down too. She keeps doing weird things, moving things around, doing and redoing things, can't talk straight, has been incontinent. Not like her. She is really vain and self centered. It is always all about her, and if we don't pay enough attention to her, which means excessively, she finds a way to get attention by either acting crazy or hurting herself. Aaaahhh. Round two.
Thanks for listening,
Christine
Maybe we should do like in the simpsons..........gather all the family together in a room and give each other "shock treatment". oh families you gotta love them! LOL
Here I was kind of reluctant to post about it, since I had to really get my thoughts together.
I'm so grateful that I have come to know many of you, and am getting to know more of you too1
Hugs to All!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Thank you. I appreciate that.
The only one my sister really cares about is herself.
How are things going with you?
How is your mother?
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
This person was crossed off as a friend 12 yrs., now.
This is why I'm so annoyed by the fact my sister having this knowledge, would just go ahead and even ask me about this. But of course, her needs always over ride anything. Always! That's what I thought, that my sister is going to get her fill.
This is interesting what you've written about AC. I'm glad this thread is still thriving.
I like it alot, it's helped me tremendously. I've learned, and like the people here. I haven't been on too many other threads. I think we stay on topic pretty much.
It usually points back to dysfunction. So you think AC is, what did you call it pasteurizing comments? Well, I did read on another thread, that things got kind of hairy at one point. There appeared to be a rather hostile environment created, then I guess they closed the thread.
Thanks for your thoughts, Austin.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux