notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
Exactly! When we distance ourselves from someone who used to be a friend,
we sure don't want other family members sharing personal information w/that person anymore. This is exactly why I felt the need to give my sister the reasons why I dropped this friendship. My sister loves to go on about loyalties, but of course she only seems to apply this to her own situations, never to others.
I'm really sorry your sister shared this info. w/your ex friend.
This ex friend definitely has an agenda. She is in a rather very strapped financial situation now, since she lost a full time job. I'm sure she'd be compensated by my sis, to watch mother. Who knows if she misses me, but that for me doesn't come into the equation, I could care less.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Sorry to hear about your knee pain.
I'm just wondering......I know I'm sometimes reluctant just to have a real pow wow w/my sister, since of course it has always to do with the fact then we're dealing with mother right now. When you've said, "standing my ground," do you mean maybe I should have just told my sister, that this would bother me? There's also the aspect unfortunately that I can't always come and do the relief, when it comes to absent caregiver's. Hate to admit, but there is some guilt there. However, especially lately, w/all my sister's drama she constantly has going on, then she just loves to get me in her clutches, if you know what I mean......so I did think of this aspect of the situation, as to why I just wasn't more frank about my feelings.
To top things off....my sister also recently informed me that now, her pregnant daughter, also due w/in days has moved back in to mom's
w/her husband, 2 other babies, and the one on the way! They're having major foundation reconstruction done on the house they rent from my sister. I don't understand, why my niece and her husband have decided to have this kind of work done, while they're in the throes of receiving a newborn infant. Anyway, many of the reasons also, I just don't want to be involved.
Feel better with your knee, and hope your daughter is hanging in there.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
DHilBe- Your right this blog and all of you make everyone's esp my days better. I thank you all so much and hope I can be here for you and others who want to lean on me as well :) How was the thunderstorm?
kazzaa- Very neat! Yup, guess the baby had fun too and he said" let me out Im gonna row too!" Lol. Hmm are we sharing sisters?..read your answer to margeaux, Im sorry you're dealing with this too.
gladimhere- Yup, very true!
camaryllis- The government can be something sometimes. Im glad your mom only had a UTI but I sure hate having UTIs, they are horrible! Hope she feels better soon. Hopefully you can rest now and catch up with the things you need and want too :)
emjo23- Thanks grandpa is VA and goes to them for things like his bloodwork, hearing aids but he is stubborn for help. Glad your feeling better and a nice lunch!!!
*********HAPPY BIRTDAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**************** Many many hugs and wishes your way! ( even though its belated) :)
195Austin- Happy Belated Birthday to you too!!!
timetoact- Im glad you all were able to get the call done with the lawyer. And so sorry about your brother verbally abusing your sis. Im glad the aide and your dad are getting back to a routine again. I wish you luck if you can move your dad out with you, hopefully he can handle it :)
Margeaux- Good luck with the cleanse, those are good I hear! Take some time for you! Im so sorry about your past friend not telling you, even if she couldnt invite as you as kazza said, I feel she could of still told you and explain why. And sisters.. thats another reason Im writing in and complaining today! When shes happy all is calm and "loving" when shes mad all outa her way and cares for one if we all dont agree with her. Im sorry and I agree, the best bet is to have someone care for your mom who you can agree with or not past issues.
brandywine1949- Your right, we are all here for each other!!!
Well, sis is moving in and she has issues like my son... Idk how Im going to do this!!!! I got so much on my plate now, and of course because of my sis issues my dad and grandpa let her do whatever she wants so theres no problems. I will once again have no say, and things are about to get a heck of a lot worse :(
Oh one day we will look back and laugh at all this!!! GULP!
No, I did not ask her as to why she didn't tell me about his service. I felt this was rather intentional. The man died mid-July. I was in constant contact w/her throughout that month, in which she very definitely made me think, there wasn't a service. The discovery I made, was mos. later. But as I wrote.....in hindsight she'd really become a frenemy. I'll give you an example. She doesn't drive. So through our entire friendship, I was always the one picking her up. For many, many years
I took her to my scene.....social gatherings, art shows, introduced her to friends, etc. Back in the old days, we once had fun. But I don't know what happened, suddenly say, we'd go to a party, from my contacts. Of course, she knew some of these people, since she'd met them previously through me. If we were at a party,
she'd end up hanging more w/other people at the party, and be somewhat sarcastic with me, of course there was some drinking involved. At first, I didn't notice this, but as time passed I started to take note. So in this scenario I did start to feel just like her ride, and entertainment.
By the time she did this number with the funeral........I'd kind of had it, the guessing games, with her. So I decided, for me......friendship over! I had no need to ask her the why, anymore!
But my beef, here is really more w/my sister right now.
If she were in my shoes and had recanted a story about an ex friend, I wouldn't
do something to bring her back in to her environment, no less something to do with the care of mom. This hits too many nerves for my taste. Yes, it hurts when you lose a good friend, but not all of them are in this category, either.
I completely understand you not wanting certain people to attend your mom's service, too. I have a niece from hell, who only comes in the 11th hour of
life, only has bilked her grandparents out of money, and the like. So I don't even want to see her there. But you know w/family it's a tougher situation.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Looks like your daughter and the babies are holding!
Great! I hope things are good with her BP.
O.K., hang in there Granny!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Just reading about your friend did you ever ask her why she didnt tell you about her dads service? I just wonder being from a very dysfunctional family that when mum goes i wouldnt want some people to attend only because mum had no friends and i wouldnt want them going off telling people how sad the service was? but thats just me! I wonder was there so much going on with her family that maybe she didnt want anyone there?
It hurts when you lose a good friend i had a huge fall out with mine when she tried to seduce my soon to be ex husband!!!!! yes think i had a good reason! lucky he never liked her but yes she tried to get close to him when we were breaking up?
I can see why you would be annoyed but my sister still talks to my ex friend and i was furious at her for telling her things i didnt want her to know about me and my life yeh wheres the family loyalty??? sad!
I hate to say this, "But sometimes I feel like my sister is such a pig!"
She only thinks about her needs, and steps on people w/no thought to that to achieve whatever it is she needs or wants. If this offends anyone here, oh well!
It's the truth!!!!
Margeaux
Now some of us here know I've written about my narcissistic sister, who lives w/mom. She's the main caregiver, w/paid caregivers.
About 12 years ago, I lost my dad. I at that time, had a friend who also lost her dad about 6 mos. after I lost mine. We'd been friends for 29 yrs. She had always been included, introduced, invited w/in our family. Right about the time my dad was becoming more ill, I felt like our friendship had changed. At the bottom of it.....I felt somewhat unappreciated, and rather used. It was that feeling that one just cant' put their finger on, so I just continued w/this ancient friendship. Of course, when dad died, she knew about it, and attended the services.
She comes from a very dysfunctional family. Anyway, when her dad died which was just mos., after dad passed, of course I called to give my condolences, and to see when a service would be held, etc. I'd met her dad, a very nice man. I did intend to pay my respects to him, and the family by attending the service. Anyway,
there must have been a period of up to a months time, of which I would call this friend, and she kept telling me that there was some kind of friction in her family, and that she didn't think there was to be a service. My gut told me differently, "she was lying." So, I just told her how sorry I was, and I think I took her to eat somewhere.
Well about 4 mos., later she invited me to her little niece's 5 yr. birthday party.
While there, inadvertently discovered there had been a service for her dad.
Needless to say, I was shocked. I never did say anything to her either.
Right after the anger set in.......I decided that for many reasons she basically was behaving like a frenemy. You know these are those kinds of friends that eventually become either sarcastic, catty, and basically there is no genuine feeling of friendship going on anymore.
O.K.......I'm sure you are all wondering why I'm writing about this.
Well, low and behold......my sister at times runs into this gf., from the past.
On a visit about 3 mos., ago....my sister started to tell me this gf, had passed by my mom's, (as her parent's home-same neighborhood), so of course she dropped in on my sister. She and my sister never had a very close relationship. Actually,
my sister had a rather catty attitude about her.
Well, the knowledge that this person from my past, that I really don't want to re-enter my life is dropping in at mother's, made me uneasy. So, I felt it necessary I go into some detail w/my sister as to why I ended that relationship, which did not only have to do w/this lie she told me. That was the last straw, though!
So a few weeks ago, I get a call from my sister. She's telling me that this gf,
stopped in again at mother's. She also asked whether it would bother me, if this gf, could watch mom, sometimes on Sundays. She also added to that, that she's having some trouble w/CG's on the weekends. She caught me at a bad time.
On the face of my feeling about this person, I didn't know what to say to my sister.
But......after I hung up w/my sister, I had that feeling of being bothered, and not knowing why!!!!! I thought about this, and then the anger set in. How dare my sister, after I gave her a detailed account why I've distanced myself from this gf, and I haven't seen nor had contact with her in over 12 yrs., now. My sister just goes totally against my wishes and feelings, and is kind of inviting her right back in. I was also p***ed that 12 yrs., go by and this gf, doesn't even think, possibly things have changed,. But I also realized that this person just has no boundaries, obviously things just remain the same way after a long absence. Also, my sister doesn't have any boundaries. But I do intend to tell my sister that I in no way, shape or form want her at my mother's service when that happens.
Anyway, in some way part of the reason I became kind of quiet.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Well Happy Birthday!
Yes I have been a bit on the quiet side. This last month was rather crazy for me.
First of all, I was busy working with my husband a couple weeks ago. The week after that, I was recuperating, since we did some long hours the previous week.
Then last week we had an out of town wedding, which I really wanted to attend, and we did. However, since I wasn't as rested as I would have like to have been for this road trip, it did drain me. The past couple of weeks I was having some indigestion, also. I don't know if I ate something that was bad, or was caused since I was eating a lot in restaurants. Probably a combination. So I'm watching this now, and taking a probiotic. I think I may go on a mini cleanse of sorts, because this has been provoking my sinuses.
Thank you for asking about mom. She's doing good. I'll be going there either this weekend, or next week. My sister pulled one of her stunts on me during the last month. I'm going to post about it later. So I truly can relate when you've written about the fact that you're happy your sister and mother didn't call you on your birthday.
I'd been reading some posts, and recently there have been some new people posting, and honestly I couldn't keep track of people's stories, so I thought I'd take a break. But I have been reading.
I hope your infection has cleared up, Emjo.
Glad you're having a great birthday week. We can't just squeeze it into one day, right? At least I can't.
Have fun,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Sister is supposed to have dad sign a document today allowing us to move assets from the present rev trust to an irr trust.
Dad's aid just got back from a month off. She had pretty much been there for a year straight! He got really upset with her replacement, his pride really got to him. He's needing personal hygiene assistance now, so I can understand that! However, when his normal gal came back, he didn't really recognize her right away and was pretty rude. I guess that's normal for Parkinson's as well. Anyway after a few meals, he started to remember her which I thought that was kind of cool, because dad was never a connoisseur or fine foodie.
It sounds like they are getting back into their routine.
I am still thinking about trying to figure out a way to move him out here. I spoke to a Geriatric Care Manager in NY for a bit the other day. She would be able to visit with dad and conduct a full assessment. The report would let us know what level of facility he belongs in as well as if he could even handle the trip out here or not. Having to figure out how to have this done from CO is kind of tough. My sister would obviously have to be there or I may take some time off work to be there for it. Dad is not good with strangers/new people, so this process raises some concerns. Even if he is found healthy enough to move out here, how in the world will he adapt to a facility where he gets new staff every 8-10 hours??
That's all (but enough) for now. As always, thanks for listening!!!
Pete
Christine - I am not surprised that you are exhausted. I think all the stress since the in laws moved in, plus what has been happening to fil and also mil has added up, and then once you get a break, you crash. Taking some time out sounds like a very good idea. Hope your home life will become more normal now, though you mentioned that mil was borderline - is that as in borderline personality disorder or borderline dementia or ??? ((((((hugs))))) for doing so well looking after fil and mil.
DHilBe - as others have said, losing both parents so close together is really hard. My condolences. This site has been a huge help to me too!
Sharyn - don't forget the car ride on a bumpy road. You must be so happy that your daughter and the babies are doing so well. I know it would be bittersweet to not be there when they come. God is in charge! Hope the change at your daughter's work ends up being a good thing for her.
cm and Christine - my second son (3rd child) fell down the back stairs when he was small and bruised his shin. They X rayed him from head to foot and I knew why. I had to be very objective about it and be thankful that they were vigilant in terms of child abuse. They were warmer to me after they found no other injuries or signs of old injuries. I think that was the part that bothered me - don't pre judge!
Austin - you are busy!!! Nice to have renos in the kitchen.
margeaux - you seem to be pretty quiet these days. How is your mum.
Alison - looking for an update from you when you are ready.
Me - You really have too much to do!!! Are there no resources in town for your gpa and your dad? Are either if them a vet? The va usually comes up with help. If not, check with your local agency on aging and social services. They could provide people to fill in for you if (when) you get that job and even now to reduce your load. Gpa will just have to "suck it up" and get used to other people helping him. You can't do it all. Hopefully your dad will feel better after his surgery, but he will need more help while he recovers. The hospital social worker should be able to help you with that. ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
book - how are things???
hi to everyone else. Hope you are doing well.
Only those with narcissistic family member will understand this. It was my birthday yesterday and I had no communication from my mother or my sister. YAY!!! What a relief. Mother will no doubt get a phone when she is moved to her new facility, but will make it clear that I will not answer daily or multi-daily phone calls. I can't go through the craziness again that I went through last winter with her calls.
Getting through this infection and feeling better and getting more energy -Yay for that too. Dd and grandkids took me out for lunch Wednesday - they could not wait for my actual birthday. Have a date with my youngest grandson for Monday for his (belated) birthday lunch. G took me out for supper last night - very nice evening - and we checked out a local car show afterwards. The waitress asked me if I was doing anything special for my birthday. I wanted to say that at my age breathing was special but I didn't. ;)
Have a good day everyone and do something good for you.
Glad and Kazza-lets see, we have 1 for a couple drinks and dancing, 1 for rowing a boat and 1 friend who swears eating a bowl of cherries does the trick, LOL!!
Me1000-You are doing so much for your grandfather, setting some boundaries for time with your boys will be helpful. I am sorry to hear about your fatners surgery.
All the same, there is no way not to find the process extremely trying at a time when you're least able to take it philosophically.
I'm so sorry for your FIL's sudden decline and passing away. A little more of a run-up before you were plunged into the deep end of care-giving would have been nice, no? But here's to peace for you, and time reach a harmonious understanding with MIL.
Well, the funeral things are finally settled for FIL. I stepped away from all that, Charles was a trooper and got things arranged. I have been trying to find MIL something to wear at the funeral, looking for a black pants set in Texas in August...not likely. But she has now announced that she wants white. Easier on me at least.
Found out that the post death examination to rule out abuse was a condition of Medicare. I was horrified at the very idea. Because he fell, they thought we pushed him? Like falling is not a signature of late stage dementia, and aspiration pneumonia? Even I know that. So Charles was off his rocker over that...didn't tell MIL, sometimes it doesn't help to upset her about things if she can't do anything about them. Just more insanity to add to the mix.
I am not going to the funeral. I have a hard time with all that, and would be less than useless. I feel that I have done enough. So I will stay home with the dogs. A peaceful day to myself, as an added bonus. I have been feeling exhausted, can barely move. Guess this is my reaction to stress. I am going to take a mental health day from work on Monday, and just lay low for the day. They will all be back Monday night so my peace will be short lived, but at least I can have some.
MIL has a UTI, which explains her loopy behavior and not being able to walk. I was worried that I had a new dementia patient, but the dr. said these were from the UTI. Whew.
Anyway, maybe I can have my life back now. For a while anyway. I have several orders for dolls that I have been putting off, but the due dates are looming. I was thinking I might make a crone doll, to embody the beauty of aging. But I am not sure now. Also have a baby quilt to finish. Maybe this weekend I can get myself to work.
Sharyn, holding healthy happy thoughts for your grandbabies!
Everyone else, sending you hugs.
Thanks for listening,
Christine