The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

(((((Me))))) - even baby steps are hard. Some of us have been trained to jump and ask "how high" on the way up. Unlearning that takes time and effort. Did you apply for that job? The gal who suggested it sounds like she has her head screwed on right. For my money, the more independent you can get financially, the better.

Sharyn - booties & shepherd's pie sound so domestic!!! I am sure you are enjoying your time away from the workplace drama. The babies are still incubating - that's good as long as your dd (dear daughter) is well.

glad - gosh, I hope that it all gets worked out this time. What a mess! The lawyer, incompetent or not, will get paid for all the work and that is another travesty. If your sissies have to pay for that, it would only be justice. :)

All my kids were early except the last one, Gordie, who was about 10 days late. I was more than ready for him to come. I was BIG, so I took the car for a long ride on some bumpy back roads. I don't know if it helped or not, but I had him a few days later. Dancing might work. Isn't any alcohol is frowned on these days? I never drank much anyway, and less when I was pregnant and after I had the kids. Had to be feeling as good as possible to meet all the household demands, which were many. I drank from the garden hose too, glad, and ate snow and did lots of other things you aren't supposed to do now.

Sharyn, just tell those babies to hurry up would ya?

When pregnant with my first, she was two weeks late. My Mom told me to go out dancing and have a drink or two. So I pass it on to you for your daughter because it worked! But now it is a completely different culture too much clean living for those expectant Moms. And did you know I actually used to drink out of a garden hose? And nothing happened to me.

Emjo, never quiet for long with sisters! Wwe finally have a court date, end of October. Day after Mom's 88th. So now things heating up again. This is the third or tough time that we have received a date. I am demanding to get in front of the judge unless everything is signed, sealed and delivered. Conservator is in trouble. Was to prepare a number of reports has done two of them incorrectly so I opposed them. A year ago sisters agreed to stay out of care agreement, but are not honoring that. As a result they could be responsible for attorney fess. And let's see, at last count we were up to three, soon to become four. Had my sis not fired my mom' attorney two years ago now, this would have been done for a few thousand dollars. But the attorney she ended up with is completely incompetent. And has the nerve to call herself an elder law specialist. She hasn't a clue, which has probably been part of the problem. Anything beyond a will, or POA's and she is lost.

I am thinking about what you all are dealing with, Christine, CM, Glad, Joan, Me1000, and everyone else. Margeaux, Austin, Book hoping you are all well.

No change here, my daughter is still very pregnant. I am working on booties, tomorrow making shepherds pie and spinach dip. Thursday another dr appointment.

Take care everyone, hard to respond to everything from my cell.

Im trying to keep up but been short on time, so a post here and there! For everyone here, I will cover it by saying Im sorry for your losses and struggles and am keeping you all in my thoughts. I hope tonight and the days following are wonderful for you all! Take some times for yourselves as you all tell me, even 5 minutes :)

hi bunny - cross posted. You have been through a lot of deaths. Not easy.((((((hugs)))))

cm - sounds like a penny dreadful. Glad you survived it and learned more about your family history. Cabbies seem to be Io a particularly good position to help old ladies. Mother told me she would have gone to live with her fav. cabbie and his wife, if he had let her. He wisely begged out saying they had too many stairs, and after that sent one of his underlings when mother called. All part of the fiasco last summer.

Hi kazzaa - hope you had a great weekend. I have put my order in to G for a few days away where you can see the mountains and smell fresh air. The atmosphere here turns silver black in no time.

Christine - wondering how you all are holding up update us when you can.

sharyn - wondering about your daughter and the babes. They must be coming soon!!!

sandwich - read somewhere that your mum has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Really makes me shake my head that these diagnoses take so long. Mother was 96 before the BPD was diagnosed. It helps as your feelings and experiences are validated.

loo - hope all is reasonable. I saw a post of yours about keeping or not keeping family secrets and will respond to it. My experience goes both ways - good and ot so good.

glad - hope all is quiet on the evil sister front. Mine is tormenting others right now.

hi margeaux, austin, alison, veronica and everyone else

surfacing from a few days of brain fog/light headedness here. Hopefully it will happen less now. I dare not drive in that condition. Take care all and do something good for you.

My heart goes out to you at this very difficult time Christine. I pray that you will really take care of yourself and get the support, rest and sleep you need to get you through. What a blessing to have a loving ending chapter to a long, well-lived life and to receive a kiss on the cheek. I found the hospice grief counselor and support groups that were available through the hospice such a blessing when I went through the deaths of three loved ones, one after the other. My prayers are with you. Bunny

CM that sounds like it would make a great TV drama!! And yes i went to school with a girl whose daughter is still to this day "her sister" do they think we are stupid? CM i think you should write a TV drama move over downton abbey!! so funny and well written!!

Back from a funeral and so shattered I can hardly keep my eyes open. Having fully woken from the little snooze she enjoyed during the service mother, on the other hand, is now full of beans and complaining that it's too early to go to bed.

The late lamented (I'm not being ironic: though I didn't know her myself the family that did know her is lamenting sincerely) was, it excitingly turns out, not my late father's aunt after all, but my late father's cousin. Yes, folks, one of those 'your big sister is actually your mum but you're not to tell anyone' scenarios.

She bred horses and loved all animals. And, a claim to fame, one of her most successful babies was himself brought out of his retirement-to-grass to lead the gun carriage at the late Queen Mother's funeral. Apparently they needed a horse who 'knew what he was doing' and happily he wasn't then too old for this last hurrah.

But back to the much more interesting than I had previously suspected family tree. My great aunt - this one who had not a little sister but a daughter the wrong side of the blanket - it further turns out made a bit of a habit of this sort of thing and went on to produce a son, also out of wedlock, only no one knew about it this time. Goodness knows who brought him up. Anyway. Who should turn up at the funeral but the son's granddaughter, with her cousin, hopping mad with the person who arranged the funeral because she for some unexplained reason wanted to keep a lock of hair for posterity (did I wake up in 1864 today?) and furthermore suspects this person of POA skulduggery.

My cousin and I stood round-eyed listening to all this, while we were also trying to sort out who belonged to which branch - this being a Shropshire family, we're not much helped by their using an extremely limited range of Christian names (a tradition which some years ago led to my darling Daddy's coming face to face with his own full name on the brass plate of a coffin he was bearing - gave him quite a jolt). It crossed my mind, but happily didn't get as far as my tongue, to say that P and I were grandchildren from the *legitimate* line: I meant to be enlightening, not insulting, and fortunately caught the words back in time.

The POA person has both our surname and one of the Christian names, which for some time led everyone to assume he fitted in somewhere on a branch. But not a bit of it. Turns out he's a local cab driver and a friend to all aged over 70 in the area. Quite a lot of befriending went on, followed by assistance when B became disabled, then help with the sale of her land (for a song, to a local retired doctor), then POA.

B's great-niece, now - granddaughter (if I've got this right) of B's disowned half-brother - is very upset. Mainly she says she feels guilty, and I expect she does. She's says it's not the money - just as well, 'cos there isn't any - it's the feeling she didn't do enough to look after B's interests and stop her getting ripped off by people she trusted. Feeling the Forum at my back, I patted her arm and reminded her that life takes you away from people, even those you loved very much when you were little. It just does. It's what happens. And B lived to 93, and spent her life with horses, dogs and wildlife, and had a rollicking good time of it by all accounts. What's to regret? That the 'helpful befriender' now has a small fleet of shiny new cabs? Well, who's to say B wasn't glad of it? Who's to say she even cared at all?

But if I were charged with these responsibilities I think I'd want to keep half an eye on the POA friend, for future reference. Just in case a pattern begins to emerge, and not forgetting the lessons of Harold Shipman.

I skived off the 'reception' (or post-match drinking session, as might be more accurate to say) and decided I really had to get poor mother home. I think my cousin was torn: stay to watch the fisticuffs and report back? Or make a run for it and avoid getting caught up as an innocent bystander? I'm kind of hoping she stayed, actually… I'm agog to hear.

Christine I feel for you about not knowing which parts of your MIL's grief merit attention and which are phoney - had this with my MIL. The thing is, though, that whatever their personalities, they *are* losing their husbands of many decades and it *is* horrifying. Those bits are real. I did my best to find kind things to say that were also true, so that I didn't give my other thoughts about her away. But anyway I'm pretty sure you'll very quickly find the right way to manage her, to judge by how you've handled things so far.

This is a harrowing time. I hope it passes swiftly for all of you. Big hug.

((((((((((((Christine))))))))) It all is happening so quickly. Your fil showed you love and appreciation for all you have done for him. How worrying about mil too. Whether taking more pills was intentional or due to confusion, it could happen again. The next while will be very difficult. Thinking about you and Charles, fil and mil. Keep us posted. So much has happened since they came to your home. (((((((hugs)))))

Christine, thinking of your FIL, MIL, and naturally you and Charles. Must be upsetting about MIL and pills and you will probably never know for sure what happened. Take care of yourself and bake as many apple pies as you want!

Veronica, really the grave had to be made bigger because of the size of the coffin? Here I thought that the graves were one size fits all. Shows what I know. Good thing Mom is being cremated, should be less to think about, I hope so anyway.

Christine-your fil gave you a wonderful gift. As Veroncia said, this is the hardest part of the journey. Blessings to you and your family.

Camaryllis,

Well, we've seen you make some quantum leaps lately, regarding all of your FIL's
health issues. Of course, this is the hardest. That was very touching how he managed to kiss your cheek. Never doubt that you didn't do enough, or didn't do the right thing. You did everything in your power, and really way above and I know you've done this with all the good intentions and love in your heart.
I hold you and your's in my thoughts.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Christine this is the hardest part waiting for the end to come. Don't be afraid of crying it is just a release and very comforting. That little kiss opened the flood gates and sealed a bond between the two of you and tells you how he blesses you as his son's wife. Only visit again if you want to because your goodbyes have already been said.
Have Charles talk to the Hospice nurses about his dad's fear of dying, they will be able to help him become calm and accept either with meds, a visit from a religious or help from the social worker. Expect him to become unconscious maybe for a few days before he passes. Don't worry about the funeral arrangements let the cousin handle it. The funeral director will guide you through all this. You and Charles and his mother if she is up to it can work on his obitorary. Again the funeral director can help with this if you don't know what to say.
Hospice will help with grief counciling for your MIL and any other family members. It is entirely voluntary but encourage her to attend meetings as she will probably make new friends in a few months. She wont expect to it will just happen. Thinking of you and sending hugs as you go through this difficult time. Just keep your sense of humor When my MIL died she insisted on a big fancy coffin that had never been seen in her small village and the grave diggers did not make the hole big enough so as the coffin was lowered they had to put everything into reverse and the family was redirected to a small chapel to wait while the hole was enlarged. luckily the grave diggers were waiting behind the hedge with their excavator to fill in the grave after the internment. Mil would have found it very amusing. Blessings to you all. May FIL pass in peace

Hello all,
Well, busy weekend.
FIL fell and broke a hip, and has been having trouble swallowing, although he passed the swallow test recently. Sent him to the hospital by ambulance on Thursday, and he has been there since. Had hip surgery, and has gone straight downhill. Now he is in hospice care, and will stay there till he dies. Which the dr. thinks will be in the next couple of days. His body is shutting down. I had a nursing home ready to take him after the surgery, but it is too late for even that. I am sad, mostly because I pick up on his fear. Yesterday I spent most of the day at the hospital with him. Because Charles had to go get his mother out of the other hospital. She took all the tranquilizers that were in the bottle, so I brought her to the emergency room of a closer hospital. No telling whether she did this on purpose or was just upset and confused. I had the pill bottle out on the table because I needed to call and refill it. I give her her meds every morning and night in a white paper cup. Anyway, her being a borderline, no telling if she felt that she needed attention and got it this way. Anyway, she is out now and went to visit FIL in the hospital. She is distraught, and of course she is, they were married for 68 years. Anyway, he perked up a little when he saw her. He had been trying to ask me where she was all day. And something kind of sweet happened. He can't really talk, but was trying to tell me something, looking right into my eyes and trying. I leaned closer to see if I could make it out, and he kissed me on the cheek. I started sobbing and couldn't stop. Not the right thing to do at all. But I have no barriers about this. So not sure I will go back to the hospital again. Charles and MIL have been there most of the day today, and Charles' cousin, who is like a daughter to MIL, came up here too.

I noticed on the computer that the page was left open to caskets. O.M.G. This is more stuff that I know nothing about. The cousin said she would help by handling that part.

What I do know how to do is bake an apple pie, so did that tonight. My way of loving.

Even though I regret that FIL had to be hospitalized, and we were then going to put him in the nh, I feel that I did a fine job of being compassionate and loving to them for the past few months. And that he has had a good ending. If there was any way that he could swallow, I was going to sneak him in a powdered sugar donut. He really was loving those up till the hospital.

What is amazing to me is how fast this went. I was really expecting years. And MIL will either thrive or not, I am not sure which way it will go. If she becomes the center of attention she might be okay. Or if she grieves for him and will follow him that could happen too. Charles and I had an evening alone when they were both in the hospital, and kind of wondered what to do with ourselves. Haha.

Thanks for listening...
Christine

Great points Country, thanks. I guess the kids maybe stand to learn a life lesson if/when he slides downhill? He still remembers them, which is good, but hasn't seen them for a few years. I never planned to have myself or the kids not see him often, but as you all know life gets in the way. I have to get better at making the time. Maybe that's why I think moving him out here would benefit all of us.

I'll make that call to a GCM and keep you posted!

TTA, if you persuaded your father to stop driving without having to resort to extreme measures, then he's more tractable than many people of his age. It's only natural he'd see-saw between wanting to stay in his home and wanting more company and security - this is a huge decision for him, and there are no certainties.

I'm not saying I don't agree with the moving near you idea, but I do think you need to think through very carefully how your father's illness is likely to progress. Of course it would be lovely for him to see more of you and his grandchildren, and I'm hugely in favour of children getting to know their grandparents as people rather than as signatures on birthday cards; but hold on: look ahead. How are a, say, 10 and 14 year old going to handle regularly visiting a severely disabled, possibly (God forbid) depressed or mentally incapacitated grandfather? All I'm saying is, watch out for the emotional land mines out there before you reach a decision. I'm so glad you're all talking - whatever happens, hang on to that!

Time, I know that is not what any of us want to hear, especially when we feel so helpless that is an impact of the miles!

gladimhere, thanks for the quick reply. Yes, my brother in in the state not the institution ;-) What you wrote makes a lot of sense but isn't what I wanted to hear. One of the problems I'm facing out here is obviously being 2000 miles away and can't 'control' much of what happens back east.

I had been talking to an assisted living facility earlier in the year that we all had agreed to look into a few miles from dad's home. We were ready to have an assessment performed on dad when my sister was persuaded (by dad she says) that he wasn't interested and wanted to stay at home. I completely get that and respect his wishes, but my brother and I don't feel that he is as safe as he can be at home anymore. Dad flip flops quite often in regards to whether he wants to stay in his home or not. Recently (last few weeks) he has been sort of hinting that there may be greener grass elsewhere as far as his living arrangements. The problem is now what level of care is needed. I suppose that's where the GCM comes in?

A good third party look at the situation to help us decide sounds like a great idea. Thanks again for your time.

Hope it's ok to rant...I need to get this out and see if I am just flat out wrong in my thinking. My mother is 83 and I am the third oldest of 7 kids kids...but have always been like the oldest because of the older two having disabilities. I love my mother very much and so it makes it really hard emotionally (on me) to upset her. I am 52 and am starting to feel like a bossy B to her. This is the situation. She has lived the last 20 years in a house that my sister owns and she took care of her aging first mother in law. Did wonderful taking care of her and the house. Grandma passed away and a few years later my sister moved in because of financial situation. The house has went into utter filth ...My mom has always been an animal lover...she has 4 dogs and 2 cats...the only time they get let out is in the morning when my sister ties them out and when she comes home after work and ties them out. About 4 years ago...they ended up with bed bugs. Several of us went in and cleaned...my brother even took the carpet up and put a vinyl wood floor down for easier cleaning. My son and I cleaned moms room, put all her boxes in double tied plastic bags told her they had to stay like that for a long time....she was upset about that...she refused to let us pull the carpet up...my sister would bag her stuff up....so we were all at a point of well this isn't going to work and it has only gotten worse.
My mom will not get rid of the animals that she can not financially take care of, they need vetted and groomed...she loves them, I get that but she is being unreasonable about their care. I must add that all these animals were basically rescued by her from other family members...1 from my brother, 1 from my sister and 2 from a grandson...the cats just showed up.
As a result she gets very few visitors. She told me one day that she can't give the dogs away because they are her company and I of course told her that I would help find homes and she would have all kinds of family and friends visit again...so I feel she is putting those pets over her kids visiting.
My sister does no cleaning and she uses the pets as an excuse, but I know that if they were gone, she still wouldn't because I know how she is.
I am really rambling on here...but in the past few months, my mom has mixed her medicine up, she was taking pain meds in place of her high blood pressure medicine...I asked my sister to make sure that she not dump her new bottles with her old...she got them mixed up again...Mom can live on her own, she just needs someone to pay attention to what is going on.
I am stressed to the max because I want mom to come live with me...I've even said one dog can come, but oh no, she can't leave my sister alone. She even makes excuses for her not helping with chores around the house because she is just tired after work...Ummm, mom, I work a full time job, take care of my house, cook and clean ...I am really sorry that I am rambling on here...I think maybe if I got my head straight about this, I might be able to help and not feel guilty about putting my foot down.

Timetoact-
I too am in Colorado. Moving your Dad at this point would be very difficult for him. He should stay where he is as the move could disorient him terribly. And on a side note, an inside joke in this forum on the "Abbreviations Get My Goat" thread a NH is a nursing home, and you will many times see that people will make jokes about New Hampshire vs Nursing Homes. I am assuming that brother lives in New Hampshire, not a nursing home.

If he is comfortable and safe where he is, it is best to keep his environment the same. I know it costs a lot of money for home care. The time may come, if it hasn't already for him to be moved to a facility. Does he have sufficient resources to continue to pay for home care? A facility here, may be cheaper, but not in your Dad's best interest, or for continued good health. My suggestion is to talk with your siblings about having a geriatric care manager do an assessment on your Dad. That will keep the dysfunction between you and your siblings squabbles if not out of it, at least you have someone helping to determine what appropriate care if for your Dad. Some do fine when they are moved to facilities, but others have a very difficult time, emotionally. In extreme cases, the elder is asked to leave the first facility, and is sent to another, then another, and can become a continuous revolving door.

Get the assistance of an impartial third party, a Geriatric Care Manager, to assist your Dad and siblings.

Hello...just found this forum and looked around for a "Introduce yourself" thread but did not find one. This thread title grabbed my eye so I will start here. If I'm in the wrong place, please redirect me :-)

I'm not the caregiver for my 87 y/o dad but am starting to feel guilty as time passes. I am in CO and dad is in NY. My step-sister (his step-daughter) lives close to dad and has been the main caregiver for a few years.
I will list the history rather than bore you with the details!
-Parkinson's diagnosis was made 3 years ago
-Dad was driving up until Dec 2012 (We persuaded him to stop)
-Still lives at home (two-story townhouse) with 24 hr. live in aid since Jan 2013
-Does not get out much that I know of. Takes some short walks outside weather permitting
-Mobility is decreasing (especially on left side)
-Not much, if any, social interaction with peers
-I have a brother, actually step-brother, in NH with no kids
-My sister has no kids
-I am married with a 7 and 11 year old
- I want to get dad out here
-Probably cannot have him live in our home because the thought of 24 hour care is not possible with our work/school/activity schedule
-The in-home care we are providing now alone is more $$$ than a nice facility out here

Here's the dysfunction part...you knew it was coming :-)
As great as my sister has been for dad, she lets him 'persuade' her decision making. Not that we're not letting dad be involved with decisions in regards to his care, but I feel he has passed the point of being able to safely stay in his current residence even with the aid.
I sure my brother is onboard with my thinking, not so sure about my sister. I know having dad out here in CO would be great for him because of the grandkids.

That's enough for now....HELP!!

Thanks.

sharynmarie- Im glad your daughter is doing well! Congrats early before the boys are born :)

I am leaving here on sept2...back to work on the 4th. I really suspect my daughters water will break and that will get things going. Why I feel that way, I dont know...just a feeling. LOL!

I hope she has them soon. When are you due back at work?

Yes it is Glad. If she goes another 2 weeks, which is the limit of how long her drs will allow, she could easily have 7lbers.

Thank you everyone for all the good wishes and prayers last Thursday, I appreicate all the support!

Wow Sharyn! That is huge for twins I would think. Know that I am thinking of you all.

Hi Glad!! We are taking things slow...my daughter and I did go out a bit on ;Friday and Saturday. Her appts last about 3-4 hours 2x's a week as tney send her across the street everytime to the hospital for non stress tests on the boys due to her bp spiking in the dr office 170/110 but once at the nospital, it drops down to 148/89 and stays there. Protein in the urine is stable at 1500 and as long as it stays under 2000, they are not worried..

She is very big and uncomfortable now. She tires out quickly. Tomorrow i will go out by myself give her and hubby space. Then monday back to more dr appts.

Baby A is approx 5 lbs 11 oz and baby is. B approx 6lbs. 2 oz. 12 lbs of baby in her, LOL!!