The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Squee,

I’m so sorry things are hard for you right now. I have very crappy siblings so I understand your dilemma. I went no contact with my siblings.

Hugs.

I think the picture of a loved one in the coffin/casket is a family/ cultural tradition. My mother had pictures of her parents in their caskets. It’s something that is personal for those who do it. At least that is what I think. No judgement either way from me.

the co- worker of my mother who helped me with my mother in the stages before we got mom diagnosed as incapacitated, just had surgery for cancer. I’m trying to keep up with her health when she posts.

I won’t be going to California this summer as planned. Maybe next year, I hope things will be better.

when not working, I’m painting, gardening and cooking. Oh the exciting life I lead, lol!!

Squee, I'll join your yoga class!

I only wear (stretchy) yoga ready clothing now & practice most days. It is really helping my strength & mind.

Just remember it is not your fault your Mother got old. Certainly not your fault about the pandemic but you are doing what you can to protect her by being an outside visitor. The rest is out of your hands. Peace to you.

Hugs, Squee.

I will love thinking of your mother watching your awkward yoga, with a smile brought to her face 💖

((Disclaimer: I am sad and need to vent))

This week I've been reading about narcissism. Different online magazine and therapy blogs. I took a few personality quizzes - where do I fall on this spectrum, where does my mom fall . . . .

OMG my sister is a textbook malignant, toxic narc! I'm not sure why this surprises me. I was always aware something was wrong. I didn't give it much thought, beyond this is "just who princess is." My mom rationalized it (which in turn normalized it), and we all fell in line. She was exposed to this in her own family - her mother would call it "street angel / home devil."

I've always been charmed by her, admiring of her, and terrified of her. I resented my mom because she didn't stop the cruelty. She didn't defend me, and I'm pretty sure our brother felt the same. I've brought this up with mom, and her story was that she just could not fight princess. Mom was exhausted, working 2 jobs while raising 3 kids - alone. I remember our childhood, and I get this. There is no resentment on my end, only sympathy and understanding.

My mom is in a NH. Her other 2 children have stayed away - when she needs them most, which is not a coincidence. I thought they were going to help care for her in her old age - that's the impression they gave to her and everyone else. Princess always referred to mom as "my best friend." That declaration was, of course, only made in public. It was a performance of some type. She's always been quite the little actress.

When mom's health problems started, the real princess, the narc, revealed herself. The blaming, the accusations, all of it. Mom liked having surgeries, she liked doctors, she liked to be babied. My role as caretaker became twisted as a codependent, dysfunctional user.

This was her story. This was her OUT. This is the explanation she gave (and probably still gives) to explain why she doesn't have contact with her elderly, disabled mom. Who could blame her for needing to distance herself? She has reinvented herself as the victim. Where is her Oscar??? Best leading role as abused daughter/sister goes to . . . Princess!

I'd like to apologize to anyone who decided to read this droning, fractured post. I'm overwhelmed with sadness, anger, every emotion all at once. Mom's NH has a few covid-pos residents. I'm not sure how many - it went from 0 to 8(?) in a week. This is a 50 bed facility. Mom has a history of bronchitis. She is non-weight bearing because of many failed spinal surgeries (omg, going back 15 years), and her life is spent laying on her back in bed. She can be hoyered into her power chair but she cannot operate it(torn rotator cuff). She is in chronic pain. Pain meds manage it somewhat, but not fully. Her mind is foggy, but she is mostly (somewhat) lucid. It varies during the day.

I visit her outside of her window and we talk on our phones. I bring snacks, puzzles, clean clothes. I try to entertain her by being weird (no effort on my end!!). Last night she got to witness my yoga flow - standing in the mud, in my now-too-tight jeans and hoody, my bandana mask around my face (I was alone, why was I masked?). I'm glad I can amuse her.

I didn't speak with her today. Lately she is confused by her phone (Jitterbug is a cheap POS, but it has nice, big buttons). She cannot sleep on her new air mattress and it's making her more distressed. I can't stop thinking about her and crying. Trapped in a broken body and a quarantined building. Nothing but time to think about her life, her children, the grandkids she didn't get to know. How cruel.

Just a rant. I never cry for very long. I know complaining solves nothing - I don't make it a habit.

AND . . . if anyone is interested, I'm thinking of offering free 'awkward yoga' classes by webcam - dress as uncomfortably as possible.
;p

AliBoBali,

My wife has noticed a difference and she has been diagnosed with mild cognitive dissonance.

Otherwise, we are basically ok.

Thanks for asking and for your encouragement.

I hate open caskets. I know that I do not want others standing over me staring at my dead body. It just seems so odd to me.

A long time ago I couldn’t get used to the idea of being cremated. I still don’t know if I want cremation or not but I know I want a closed casket if I am not cremated.

I've been checking in on AC every couple days in the past few weeks but I never/rarely see anything in my News Feed for this thread, and I assume that it's slow over here. I'll start checking it manually. Hi, Duck, post away, even if no one sees it for a few days, we will when we get back around here.

I posted -- VENTED is more like it -- a lot on Facebook during The Caregiving Years, and when my grandmother died, I posted about her funeral, too, including a pic of her in her coffin. Here's the thing: she looked better in her coffin than she had in many years, and I thought that could be a blessing to some... ? And I thought she would be ok with it. She finally had her hair done, was wearing her glasses which was a familiar look she'd had for 30 years but not in the last few, and the embalmers had plumped up her gaunt features somehow.

Idk, everyone deals differently, and the thing to do when you see these kind of posts on social media is to give your friends/family feedback... like you did, Bookluvr, by saying "take it down it isn't appropriate." I'm sure they otherwise don't get it, and are doing it to fulfill a need of their own.

Hmm, Yoda, that's interesting. I don't know the specifics of the test, but all "below average" means is that you're in the bottom 50%... and that's if you can trust the metrics of the test.

Someone has to be in the bottom half. I was in the bottom half of my high school senior class, and still got the top SAT scores of the entire class. I'm saying don't put too much stock in it. If your friends or family start to tell you they're noticing a difference, that's what I would be concerned about.

I hope you're doing all good otherwise.

I got bad results from an AARP online test that I took for free and can take again in 90 days.

Activity wise, I am as active as 75% of people my age of 62.

However, my brain activity was less than expected.

My Recognition Memory, Recall Memory, Working Memory and Processing Speed scores were all below the expected range for people my age and gender. 

If my mind is really this bad, then maybe I need to be in assisted living? ha, ha, ha I sure hope not.,

Remembering someone laying peacefully - well that's a good memory. Occasionally I'll dream of my Grandma & then when I wake up I miss her. May they be at peace ❤️.

Beatty, it wasn’t an announcement. I’m assuming it’s more like: Grandma has finally found peace after years of being bedridden. She has suffered so much... I will miss Grandma...

Well, all I can say is action speaks louder than words....

Bookluvr, I am truly horrified & speechless. But I did not grow up in the selfie gen - every detail of their lives are a pic - their intention was probably to 'share' news via image.

I'm probably old school, but bad news like a death in the family was delivered face to face if possible. Or by phone to the most direct and senior relative. Never by leaving a message with someone, voicemail or text.

I suppose it was done in person or by letter the gen before & telephone news may not have been appropriate? I don't know.

I'm still speechless.

When my mom died, teacher niece posted her dead grandma in the coffin. Then her 1st cousin in the Mainland reposted it. I didn’t have FB at the time. But my younger brother did. He was so pissed off. He ordered both our nieces to take it down... OMG he just ranted to me on what they did. I was so shocked because mom was a very shy quiet person. Even before she had dementia, she hated having her picture taken.... And instead of posting a picture of when she was alive, they posted her in the coffin.

People post everything on Facebook. My sister n law had posted on Facebook that her father had died. Yeah, geez, thanks for the phone call. Making funeral announcements on Facebook including family.

Guardian,

I am sorry to hear all of this and hope you can get resolution from all this.

I think you may have the terms Power of Attorney and Executor of the estate confused. The Executor's role does not kick in until the person dies. That is when the durable POA's and Medical POA's jobs end. It also sounds like their was a problem with the lawyer who needs to be investigated.

Was my senior disabled Moms live in FT caregiver for 10yr.s. Care consisted of working my Moms 3 machines needed to breathe, from waking, numerus meds. given several times a day, all home cooked meals, bathing, hair cuts styling, dressing, doing laundry, cleaning, most home repairs, chauffeuring to ( & carrying machines w/ either seated walker or wheel chair lifting in & out of car), weekly Dr. appts., tests, procedures, grocery shopping, all other shopping in general, bi-weekly bank visits, weekly dining out, entertaining company, entertaining Mom w/ baking, doing crafts, reading, coloring, picking & ordering & watching movies Mom liked, made a beautiful garden for Mom to care for, either reading to or watching a movie in bed w/ my Mom till she fell asleep every night, staying close enough to hear machine helping Mom breathe, a few hours away till day starts all over again. Spent every holiday, Birthday w/ my Mom, never left her alone. I never got paid, I put money in my Moms bank account every month to help pay the bill's, I paid for all Moms meds., clothing, shoes, designer eye glasses, ect. every place I took her, I picked up the bill.
My Mom got sick, I lived in the hospital w/ her for 1 month until her passing in there. After she passed 3 estranged siblings crawl out of the wood work, 1 wanting her in-laws (owning a funeral parlor) to pick up my Mom. I accepted this first offer of help in over a decade as I was overly drained & exhausted. The next day they came to my Moms w/ a man from a different funeral parlor, saying in-laws turned them down. At hospital till 4am. so no sleep & pretty much delirious thru the whole meeting, which was so strange & awkward as they never came by while Mom was living. From there they had fraud funeral costs charging 4,500.00 for a cremation, later finding out county cremated Mom for 290.00, ashes weren't even Moms, pocketed money for funeral/luncheon from government, & stole 3 life ins. policys in my name, probated a fraud will naming themselves as executor, shut electric off at house & had me ejected from my Moms house as a squatter throwing me in the street even after I paid the utility bill's. Stole my car & most of my possessions that were at the house. Finally an attorney called, said I called him prior & said now he'd take pay after estate sale, he said no matter what, their will states I get 1/5 of estate sale & they cant sell for less. every attorney I called wanted over 5,000 up front that I didnt have. Moms care & bill's I paid were costly, as I'm on disability. Attorney went against every encouraging word he stated, he allowed them to get away w/ stealing whole estate, w/ all fraudulent charges against me, did nothing for 11 months charging me 8,000 for a couple emails & phone calls. Believing they hired him from the beginning. Executor transferred Moms deed into their name as sole owner & now claim they sold my Moms house & 1 of their homes the same day for same price, selling my Moms house for half price. Every page of executors accounting has fraud charges on it. Not 1 receipt shown, all Bill's I paid on my SSD card, they claim they paid. Charging me almost 2,000 a month from my Moms passing till having me ejected. I'm having problems finding another attorney, all want over 5,000 up front. It's not right what they've done, what their doing. So far getting away w/ all of this, 1 is a life time felon whose path is cleared & covered up by the other whose our county's corrupt police officer who's been illegally wiretapping our phones from my Moms hospital stay & still is. My Mom & I did not deserve none of this. I want justice. I am my Mamas forever guardian, I am Solo Soldier.

Maybe your DD is more extroverted and craves this feeling of connectedness in her life Glad. I think there are two extremes when it comes to illness, those who withdraw off by themselves and shut out every possibility of succour from friends and the community at large, and those who share every. little. thing. no matter how trivial. I always trended toward the first group until I was scared out of my mind last year when I found myself welcoming any prayers offered, and I consequently discovered a community that I had never previously felt a part of.

DD1 was scheduled for a hysterectomy earlier this month, it was cancelled due to the virus. It was rescheduled now for the first week in May. At least she let me know before she posted to FB.

But what is it with some people will post these private things on the internet? Is it one of those narcissistic traits? DD has more than 1,000 FB friends. I would never dream of telling all those people to say nothing about how many others would then read it. Is she seeking attention and sympathy? Seems so foreign to me. And she is my daughter. I don't get it.

I have had surgeries and sometimes never told anyone outside of my kids. I don't want others worrying or concerned about me. Maybe that is just as bad?

Stacyb2

My wife is the News junky. It's become too too much for me to hear the TV in the other room due to her poor hearing along with her updates.

So, I'm spending most of my day either asleep in bed or up in my Man Cave where the nice computer and big screen are plus my library and guitar. We are in separate bed as of the doctor's orders since her sinus infection has not healed even with medicines.

It's almost time to fix supper once an expected business call comes in.

Golden, DDuck, and Everyone, thank you for asking about me! I'm still here and reading, though not every day. We are riding the Covid19 wave and stay at home rules to the best of our abilities and so far we are holding our own. Everyone in my family (near and far) are well, and so far no one has contracted the virus, Praise God and knock on wood! As you know, the first outbreak was detected right near me, and oh how scary this thing is! Stay Safe Everyone!

Hubby is a News junky, but it is becoming too too much to watch for me, and it's giving me Major Anxiety! I literally need to sit outside and read, to get away from it/him, and then he follows me to give me updates, Ugg!

He actually has been a gem, and has been doing a lot of work outdoors, and the yard and gardens are really coming along! I am still Loving the community we live in , and our neighbors are Wonderful! They Love John and he's become quite sociable and popular too, funny because he is normally a quiet type, it's great to see, lol!

I haven't left the home for over 6 weeks, my husband has been doing all of our essential shopping and banking and the like, and we been in contact with our kids, grands and family only through Social media as well as phone calls, but it just isn't the same, is it?

I am Really beginning to miss everyone so much! Sadly, one DIL (a Radiology Technician "Mammogram") and my SIL (a chef) plus a few of my Nieces and Nephews have been laid off, but that is the case for so many, this situation is just tragic and I'm praying for a healthy recovery in all aspects!

About 10 days ago, I finally got fed up with the isolation and hubby took me for a nice drive to a beautiful picnic spot our family has enjoyed for many decades, and it was great to enjoy an outing and the beautiful weather that day. I posted a few pix, and boy oh boy, our kids went Crazy with how we were "putting ourselves and others in jeopardy while they themselves were taking this Virus so "seriously" and not visiting us old folks. I had to do damage control stating that we only left the car for a few, and only to walk and toilet the dog, and that there were only a few other people out and about, and all were taking great measures at Social Distancing!

Whew, glad to have cleared that up, lol, but I do understand their concerns, and am also glad to see how much they care and that they are taking this very seriously! So many people say that this 30-something generation are so selfish and self absorbed, but I'm not finding that in our kids, so we must have done something right, lol! Oh, my daughter and SIL have adopted a Puppy, they figured that now was a good time to get initial training and adjustments done while they are home, so that is Exciting!

It is great to see some of you old timers posting again, and I want you all to know that I am thinking of you and Praying that you are doing well, and aren't too put out by this Virus stuff, and that Soon we will be putting all of this past us and are well on our way to recovery. Prayers for all those who are infected by this Invader, those who have lost loved ones and to those who are still struggling with aging parents, and personal health issues too!

My heart and prayers are with you all, Take Care Everybody! Love, Stacey B

Hi Duck,

Good to hear from you. Sounds like you had an exhausting day. Very frustrating to lose keys. So glad that you were able to find them.

Take care and stay safe 💗.

Where is everyone! Although it seem like its me and Beattyare only ones in forum lately, lol,. I need to vent. So please bare with me and my crazy.

Today was my fourth 12hr shift. So I come down to feed my mother, do some damage control, figure out and pack my lunch and snack needs, shower and wait for my ride.

Usually I am ready 15mins before he arrives. So today I ran back to get my nasal spray. Then I came back in to make sure where my appliance cords were so I could start cooking when I get home in the morning.

I feed my mother she had been cleaning the tray on her own but today I had to spoon feed her to get here to finish.

Anyways I left my keys on bed and stepped away to window to see if ride was there. Rush to go out to car and cant find keys. I know they there somewhere, am I going crazy. I am patting my mothers full blown pockets no jingles.

Retracing my steps, up stairs and back down, emptyng my bags, crazyeee. I am sweating and freakng out because I cant get out the house without them and even if I had my spare I would not be able to leave not knowiing what happened to my keys.

Well, I hold on to edge of bed to get on my knees to really thouroughly check under the sofa bed. I use my elbow for balance and felt a hard lump. I had just made my mothers bed!! what was this I hit it it jingled, MY KEYs!!!!!!!!!

This took me back to times of true sabatoge and ugly from my mother. I had to fast peddle to not go there. Maybe she was planning a getaway. I dont know but it through me for a loop. Then while I was patting her down before i found the keys she was like stop tickiling meeee. stoooop ticklinng mmmeeee, I did a double take because she is usually dead serious about feeling any of her pockets. LOL this caregiving is not a joke you got to laugh or go crazy or hit deep deep depression. I wanted to cry at first because some of the pain from other stuff surfaced and even then I couldnt understand what happened or why and just hoped my mother was not that mean and hateful. Sometimes knowing deep down what the truth is.

So now I will have a long, key chain that I can unlock and lock without removing from my neck until I get in bed or shower. Shshhh.

Beatty, Amen and thanks so much and be safe and protected as well.

I know have barely posted recently but dang where is everyone. (I hope safe and sound this virus or whatever is going on is not a joke and it seems there is a whole lot more to learn about it as it shifts and shapes and efects so many so differently.

I requested decongestant meds today to help with my cough and mild congestion. I dont want it to get worse. Or weaken my immune system for this new virus or if could possibly be the virus.

Be safe.

DDDuck, safe wishes to you too! As a fellow respiratory issue person - hang in there. This too shall pass.

Greetings to all, and safety in this time of turmoil.

All is good on my end except for the ususal. Its funny how a constant coough, pain or saddness can become a norm.

Acutally my groin pain has eased up a lot since I have been getting rides. I am so grateful, its such a blessing. It makes all the sense in the world but, people are doing it all over. Its for safety, my contact is 75 fold decreased. Just the past few days I had to stop in store for brealfast sandwich.

Nothing from courts. I am calling the other lawyer in the court. I spoke with her and this virus hit before we could meet and there has been no contact since then except for me leaving a msg.

My Aunt contracted, virus, she was sick about 7 days and was okay. DX. pnemonia given antibiotics, she was tired, complained of no taste bud or smell, no appetite. Slowly she started eating and now she is fine.

One of the old nurses here call and told the mom that she also contrated virus, had bady aches and loss of smell and taste, says she was down for a few days and now back to work!!k??? I dont know where or what type of facility she work in since she left.

My neighbor and good friend's wife slipped and fell in kitchen and broke leg in too places they wouldnt let him ride in the ambulance or in the emergency room.

This thing is serious what ever it is. I am being careful and with my respiratory issues I am a kinda nervous wreck with the mucus and cough. Everyday things but now could possibly mean death. Thank God I am good..

So I am hoping and praying you all remain safe and careful. Stay in prayer and smile with your eyes sense we wear the masks.

Some guys in the store started calling me grandma, I was offended at first, first thing i thought was do I look like a grandma (knowing I am limping and walking slow and trying to catch my breath from walking up the stairs from train station)!

Then I hadnt been in there for a week or so until this week and now I embrace the grandma. Different ethincities, I told young man if I had one I would want hime to be like him, he is a very repectful, patient hardworking person.

Meanwhile my mother found so roach traps and I bought over a year ago and thought I had them tucked away in topp of cabinet. She opens them I thought I had gotten them all but found one yesterday. Concern she may have tasted the inside but she is not sick and they look untouched although opened. I think there were only a few in the package. Her appetite is lovely now, she can almost eat two meals on wheels before I leave, which to me means she is not eating during the day when I am sleeping for work.

Also hard to cook on days off. Some times I have to get out and away when she is hyped. I can hear or think and she is in everything she sees me doing.

Other days she is cool and calm and collective. I know she is lonely, nephews and sister just walk on by when they come in unless they have bought the famous macdonald happy meal with a huge iced tea. The one whom I text , I can tell when he comes because some times I can see an issue dealt with.

Rays of love, healing and protection to us all.

Dan, caregiving for our elderly parents is a job for heros. I understand how you feel and about the options.

APS is presently involved in my mothers case to take over guardianship. Her Case Manager from meal on wheels to the case to APS, one reason being that she had been requesting for battery of test (can't think what its called), repairs werent being made. I am sure my sister and nephew think I initiated the process. Sister has health care proxy, has me blocked and refuses to get her a home attendant, the tests, and barely deals with my mother or her environment ifexcept bringing in a tea or a macdonalds breakfast. No clean up, no monitoring a sink could be running over and she would never know. Samewtih nephew who has accessto one of her checking accounts and refuses to do repairs, even life threating stuff like the beam in the basement rotting and being told its going to give in any minute and the bathroom would collapse. Just plain old neglect and then they try to gaslight me telling me I am pretending, well that was beforew I went no contact. We dont speak only I text Nephew as needed and now no replys I just see that he will respond. I do not have any contact with my sister its useless, she is a sick puppy, insane and dangerous. I plan to go to heaven and I am not trying to go to jail so I will be glad when the guardian ship is given to the city and hope there is no crazy retaliation. It really streses me to see how pompousness and how she walks in leaves food on the tray and goes upstairs. Never made the bed, or fix the covers or brush all kinds of debri off bed. My mother puts all kind of stuff in her pockets...

I am long winded but I just wanted to share that I dont care how either of them feel about me actually its been a sought of hate relationship anyway full of sabatoge and spitefull actions. They are not doing whats right and the bottom line for me is the best care for my mother.

Also, my mother abusive to me anyway. I was her cinderella and it was clear that I didnt matter. Some thing were degrading and it just plain breaks my heart to be accused and punnished from mental illness and later demetia. She has never been diagnosed. But as her dementia got worse the ugliness slowed down. I now have the mother I have always wanted. Who is glad to see me and smiles and is considerate. No more crazy accusations. But a lot of messes, and clogged sinks and toilets and surprise mold filled finds.

Keep posting thats what its all about here. Venting, I came on here broken, I got a lot of suggestions that seemed obvious but there are dynamics and issues and pain and history that is not obvious. Certain post, certain ways or presenting things turned on a light bulb and in many things my hands were tied and I had to learn to back of for my mental and physical well being. I had to learn it was okay even if I still feel guilty.

The other thing is APS service has been a long process. Going into year two and now with this Viral Pandemic who knows how long it will take. We had a court case and it was postphonedd because my sister got a lawyer I guess for her to be guardian. Meanwhile the beat and the wear and tear of watching my mother deteriorate or just seeing what the dementia has done and knowing its going to get worse, foes on.

Sometimes I just have times where I just break down and cry. Sometimes I cant bring my self to mop the floor even though its needed. Now when I am tryingto cook and she is on hype mode putting plasic in hiot oven or dishwashing liquid in wings I am soaking I cant't hear myself think, I just close up shop put the food out of her reach and go up stairs or out the house and continue when she has calmed down.

Prayer has helped me forever. I was playing church songs one time it seemed to uplift her but then it started putting her in church mode. Cooking, serving, busy bee on steroids, so I stopped.

I really hope you all are being safe and careful during this stressful time.

I know it’s going to get worse, it has gotten worse. I’ve set boundaries and I’ve been following them. I am not asking for a perfect mother, my expectations are low on that front. Its hard to watch her deteriorate at every step. I do need to formulate plan to get her the help she refuses to get. Having some siblings who don’t get along makes it more complicated but I will figure something out. It’s very hard to watch my mother decline, I don’t want my last memories of her to be of this mean person. I just try to think of the old days when she had her wits.

Dan, unfortunately it's likely your Mom will become more needy as time goes on. Now is the time to figure out what your boundaries and limits are and learn how to put them into practice. Accept your limits and don't let anyone else define them for you. That looks different for each person and sometimes we need help to do that. Letting go of expectations is another invaluable tool. Let go of expectations that you have of other people, outcomes and even yourself at times. It will be difficult and you will undoubtedly second guess yourself many times along the way, in the end though it will be worth it.
If you keep posting you will get some great input from people who know what you are going through. Best of luck to you.