The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yoo, Hoo Sharyn! We are waiting to hear from you. I sure hope all is going well with your daughter! And that you have a tablet with you or computer access!

195Austin-Glad C.'s feeling better,congrats on your soon to be upgraded kitchen and have fun at your reunion!!

sandwich42plus- I wish your mom the best and they find everything they can to comfort her.

camaryllis- Sorry about your fil breaking his hip, praying for a speedy recovery.

Countrymouse- waiting is hard, try to relax :)

Veronica91- good luck to your brother and sister in law selling their home.

sandwich42plus-The thing is when my son is in a great mood and with people hes not used to ( hes known them his whole life but not constant interaction like my two friends) but he was good with her when she was painting grandpas house. But after a bit your right, he would get comfortable and let loose! Hmmm, shall I hire her as perm day care? I do need someone on weekends so I can take care of grandpa and evenings if I work at night! Im sorry about your family member, its not easy. No one knows what they would do unless they were in our situation. Thank u :)

Glad == Mom was in the nursing home/care center. She went from independent apartment to nursing home in May. We skipped assisted completely! She was in a dementia unit that had a secured elevator, but it was not "elopement proof" like the memory care unit will be. Here (at least) memory care seems to be code for the super-max security units because people at that level of dementia will wander. Mom won't wander, she'll march, kick, and push her way out. Her behavior is much like a wild animal who has been cornered. Because of that, and nobody could get near her, she got in the elevator and went in front of the building to rage at it for over an hour. Orderlies, police, and staff were out there with her, but nobody could get ahold of her. I would have LOVED to see this. I hate that I was stuck downtown & couldn't get there.
They were hoping she'd wear herself out or collapse I think. Just let her be under careful watch and see what happens. After 90 minutes, the EMTs & police somehow got her into an ambulance and took her to the mental hospital. They had no open beds, so she stayed there overnight Wednesday in the ER with two guards outside her door all night. Yesterday (Thursday) late, she was taken to a different hospital who had a bed open up in their geriatric psych unit. They had to restrain her and give her an injection to get her to even begin to calm down. Wow.
You gotta give her credit for endurance anyway!

So that's where she is now. I had to take some papers over today, so I got to talk to a nurse and one of the doctors. They are trying to find the right dosage of anti-psychotics. There are 6 therapy sessions a day they attend. So, I hope that helps, but who knows. Mom had brain damage already from a stroke in 91. Plus BPD, OCD, and dementia! Hooray! The dementia severely limits the possibility of improvement, so the therapy part might not be so important. I'll get another update on Monday.

I am going to try to stay in touch more-I have been so busy since getting home from vac. C.'s eye surgery took up time-now on week two of first eye and week one of second-he does well with the drops. My son is going to start putting my new kitchen island together and will get rid of the Happy Days old kroon leg table -49 years is enough-first update of my kitchen. Our class reunion is next weekend 55yrs-C. and I were in the same class so it will be exciting.

Sandwich? So she is in assisted now? What are they saying about the aggressive behavior and controlling it? It seems that would be inappropriate for memory care too much an risk of injuring others. My guess would be that they would have to keep her in a Geri psych unit, or maybe a nursing home to try to get her meds adjusted first.

ME, on that neighbor of grandpa's, ask her to watch your son for a few hours sometime and help grandpa with something. That would cook her goose, maybe literally. Then, maybe, she would begin to understand.

I have a family member with bipolar schizophrenia he is in his 40's now, been a very difficult life for his parents! I have heard stories like yours. How terribly difficult to have to provide care for grandpa, dad and then trying to keep your son on an even keel?! I cannot imagine!

Anti-icky poo is the best pet accident remover. They use it to clean up after crime scenes where there have been biological remains. So....

I appreciate everybody's support. It really does help! Go team!

The ____ hospital called me at 2:30 a.m. to tell me they were going to keep mom overnight in the ER. Um, don't you mean you ALREADY kept her overnight? I mean you have to laugh at this kind of stuff or it will drive you crazy.

Mom had two guards outside her door since she is an elopement risk.
I hadn't understood yesterday but she got OUTSIDE yesterday and was screaming and yelling at the BUIDLING for over an hour. Nobody could get near her. And she had interfered with the EMTs who came for the lady next door, who had the medical incident that triggered mom's explosion. Oh Lordy Ruthy, Ruthy, Ruthy what are we going to do with you?

After she can get some geriatric psych care, she will be going into a locked memory care unit.

Oh CM I feel so bad for you, this is absolutely the worst part. Has there been any interest in the house at all? Do you have a decent Estate Agent. they are far more pro active over hear and it is really cut throat. My brother and sister in law would like to sell their house up near Stafford and say the market is really dead up there. they want to come back further south to be nearer the family but have to sell the house first. Can't think of anything comforting to tell you. Why not start going and looking at possible new homes for you and Mum so you get an idea of what is out there. I think you said previously that Mum does have the money and could buy ex out. I am not suggesting that but would it work for her to buy a house? that really would be something positive you could get on with and give ex a shake up. I have a feeling that the status quo is suiting him just fine. Fence sitting is something men do pretty well as I have found out he's the one that wants out so show him how easy you are making it by moving even before the house is sold. Did they get all the cancer or will he need RT and/or chemo?
Think positive and take action. Hugs a million

Christine as CM Said "it is an ill wind' I really had been expecting this all along and as soon as I read your first post knew the hip was broken before I read the second. Hope he comes through the surgery OK. I don't think anyone is quite ready for the end yet but it could come really soon. Take a deep breath and stay calm for MIL this is going to hit her hard. Blessings and lots of hugs. There is some stuff that gets cat pee out of the carpet you might try that and a good steam cleaning.

Cam, wish I could send my mother to New Hampshire! Definitely a safe distance from the Welsh Borders… :)

I really don't want to sound callous about your poor FIL's hip, but my goodness it's an ill wind that blows nobody any good, eh? At the very, very least a much needed breathing space and a period of time to reassess the plan. And, not that you haven't been supporting her really well, but a chance for your MIL to catch her breath too, don't you think? She must feel like she's in free-fall, poor love. Thank goodness you'll be able to make sure she eats and gets some decent sleep.

Sorry I haven't been keeping in proper touch - I seem to have missed most of Sharyn's daughter's imminent event, for a start - but I'm all over the place emotionally, trying not to lose it with ex-SO (he's getting near the end of his post-op convalescence, thank God) and still in limbo with the house unsold. Feels like the calm before the storm, somehow, except there's no sign of the storm even on the horizon.

Waiting and seeing. Is this the most stressful activity known to Man???

Oh brother even the cat's on my case! Ok ok, I'm getting your dinner NOW...

Hello again,
Well, Charles called the ambulance to get FIL, we can't get him out of the house and he seems to have forgotten how to walk. Got him there, and he has a broken hip. Well, that seals it, he will go from there to the NH. (you know the first few times I saw that abbreviation here I wondered why so many people were sending their loved ones to New Hampshire... :-}) Anyway, that is that. I will go pick up MIL from the hospital later, and we will all have a quiet restful evening. I will move her bed into the room he was in, after I shampoo the carpets and hopefully get some of the pee smell out. One thing I have been doing is making very strong lavender tea, and putting it in a spray bottle and spraying it around his bed. Thought it might give him more peaceful sleep but it also smells better than the faint hint of pee. I have scrubbed and washed everything multiple times. Maybe it is just me.

Anyway, this portion of the saga seems to be close to over. Charles knows the drill, we can't care for him at home any more after this. He will have to go to skilled nursing after the hospital. I have such mixed feelings. But it will be okay.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

emjo23- Im trying baby steps and its so hard. That must of been neat about the blue tights and cans! No, no Dr about the bleeding yet. I thought I could get seen with no money and make payments next month nope! Need a little money upfront. Thanks

Margeaux- I was almost always with my kids before grandpa, even when I was bringing lucnh/dinner, most times son was with me. My son has been this way since he was little. Last year he showed improvement..a little anyways. I started full time with grandpa almost overnight after his last stint in the hospital, but have recently cut that back to mainly nights esp lately. My kids are welcome there at night, well, sometimes when my grandpa is mad at my son for not behaving or being violent of course grandpa says for him to stay with my dad. My dad isnt that bad, its just hes so ill and for him to keep going to grandpas and feed him, etc its hard. My dad is also very very week and dying himself but hes trying to help me with my kids, helps drive them everywhere, h..w etc. And they argue of course so another reason he didnt want to go. I agree with you they are developing, Im trying....

******* well son is home after 2hour violent meltdown, I told grandpa I was going to drag my son in the car so I can drop grandpa off at the Drs to sit and wait while I take my son to the E.R. and see if they could watch him for 3 days at the psych ward. " And I was crying upset and grandpa says no hold on, let me see if I can get a ride. (EARLIER he said my son will be calm the second my grandpa says hahahah never worked before and when in a severe rage..um..no) So he called me back and said he got a ride. Thankfully a neighbor was off work and this is the one that I have issues with but I am beyond grateful to her and for her. She still says Im not doing enough for grandpa. They still feel I should be there 24/hr a day, but know I have to take a lil time out for my kids. Well, we will never agree but am still glad she helps grandpa when I cant.

Grandpa called as I was typing this and he said Heart Dr said call back in Sept for Appt in Oct or Nov to change Battery pacemaker. What? In June he said called in Aug for appt in Sept thats when they check it again and it should be changed!! Yet now they are extending the months? Omg Im so mad! My grandpas breathing is worse, but, he has to wait. Plus his legs are getting worse by the day-

As far as my son goes, I am pulling him out of his school hes mad and claims hes happy but I told him if he stays home hes proving hes not happy. I already told his school now Im pulling him out, Secretary got upset said why ? I told her because hes been giving heck all week, maybe others are right? So in the background my son is yelling I wouldn't let him go !! Really? So he screamed I been mean to him! Me mean to him when he is the one threatening to kill me, pounding on the glass trying to break it again, threw chairs around, made a a hole in the box spring...etc etc. Im so stressed. Well, been thinking of giving in and calling an ambulance for him when in this rage to take him in a psych ward to get evaluated. I already called his Dr trying to get a referral and meds upped/changed. Well, long day ahead and its only 10:30am!!!

trying to think who has not been posting much, or not posting about themselves

margeaux - good input
countrymouse - how are things?
Alison - how are you doing?
Austin - miss your posts but understand that you have been busy
iwentanon - I gather things are getting more difficult

who have I left out? call if brain fog and seniors moments lol

Supposed to go up to 88 today so better get my running around done early, but I must say that the sunshine is nice.

Have a good day everyone

Christine - fil's problems are increasing rapidly. You don't have to take him home from ER. If that happens they are obliged to find him a placement. I know it would be up to Charles to take that stance. Hopefully this time. Sounds like fil really does need the specialized care that only a facility and round the clock staff can offer him.
Feeling better slowly, thanks. Very frustrated today at what I have not been and am not able to do. That is always a sign I am recovering. ;)
Take care of you.

Sharryn, Yay! Babies do wonders for your mental health! Have fun...
Sandwich, OMG. I hope this episode ends soon...
EMJO hope you feel better...
Hello everyone else...
Well, Charles is waiting for the nurse to get there to look at FIL. And he has called the ambulance to be on standby. FIL can't walk, says he can't straighten his leg, and we can't lift him. Last night was a nightmare trying to get him from the couch to the bed. So off he goes. I am not sure what the outcome will be, guess they will take him to the ER and maybe he will be admitted from there. Charles works at that hospital, so he will bring MIL and go do his consults, and then I will go fetch MIL and try to take her to dinner or something. I almost feel like I am waking up from a nightmare. Anyway, we'll see if this is the beginning of the trip to the NH, and if my 'vision' manifests. Whew.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

Sharynmarie,

I'm so happy that you're on your way, and definitely, safe travels.
I'm thinking about you and your growing family.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Me1000,

I completely agree with Sandwich's post to you.
So I take it....that you spend the night at your grandfather's house?
Well all I can say, and only saying this based on your posts, is the fact that
you really need to get a grip on what is happening! Have you given it any thought, that the time is passing, time you really need to be dedicating to your children. Both your dad's and grandfather's demands sound way over the top, if you haven't noticed. Also realize.....that the elders in your family have already gone through their development and growing years, even if it's turned out this way. Your kids, well they're still developing. Make it good for yourself and them, by not placing such importance on these two inconsiderate men in your life, for if you don't, you may regret this sooner than later. Don't fall for your grandfather's offer of the house either.....that's sounds like complete nonsense.
Imagine in your mind......what would happen if you just did a disappearing act?
Mark my word......they'd be forced to seek out some kind of help, because you would not be available to their every little need. But only YOU, can make this happen.

Courage!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

sharyn - hope you are driving carefully - such excitement!!! Prayers for all to go well.

Wow Sharyn! Can't wait to hear news, sending good luck wishes with you.

Sharyn, the timing is working out very well. Hug your daughter and have a wonderful visit. Hope everything goes smoothly.

Super excited!!! Daughter told me last night her bp was up all day yesterday so she is excepting them to send her to labor and delivery today. Said she does not want to wait too long so she gets sicker and will have complications during delivery. I am trying to get there in time for her appt so I can see the boys on the ultra sound during the growth scan and non stress test. Take care everyone!!!

feeling better thanks, Sharyn. Sweet dreams and safe travels. You aren't excited or anything are you? lol

Joan- hoping you are feeling better. I will catch up later...or never..LOL!! GOING TO BED ...GETTING UP AT 3am.

Sharyn - sad to see your mum decline and her world get smaller. Glad your daughter's bp came down. Once you are there, any time is good for the babies to arrive. I trust that you will have computer access there and will keep us posted. Safe travels.

Gloria hi - I remember you. How are you doing? Your grandchild must be somewhat bigger now. Hope you are getting some breaks. It isn't easy to arrange them.

loo - slept in - tsk tsk - at least you weren't late for work I don't get too fussed up about the eventual showering and so forth. It is a nuisance but is not life threatening - hers or mine. I may call the unit and ask the nurse there. Frankly I don't think the sw necessarily knows those kind of details. Choose your battles!!! Hope your mum's friendly neighbour is manageable.

glad - a spreadsheet - lol - easy to edit and move a person from one category or column to another. It must feel a bit anxiety provoking to have two seniors declining before your eyes.

Christine - The pyrex broke into smithereens and he fell into it - my idea of a nightmare. Maybe that helped Charles to see that a facility is a good idea. You have a great vision.

Me - how are you doing? I know it is hard to make changes. I have made quite a few, but it has taken a while. Austin used to post here and write about baby steps. Make a small change and find out that the sky does not fall in. Then take another step. People may get mad, but they are going to do get mad about something anyway. Wishing you good fortune in job hunting. I would think you would feel so much better once you are earning. Even if gpa did help and still is helping it does not give him the right to expect you to jump and ask how high on the way up. We had a thing going here about the Kick A** Women - KAW who wore blue tights, tuna cans in the right places and had magic bracelets to repel the bullets. Some of us earned tiaras - silver or gold ones. When the going gets tough, put on the blue tights... By the way - when are you seeing the doctor about that bleeding?

Speaking of KAW - sandwich, you have already earned your gold tiara - just don't forget to put on your magic bracelets. Psychotic episodes come and go and they have good drugs for them. It is absolutely nothing to do with you, and it is easy to write that from afar, but I know it can be nerve wracking. Physical distance helps. A geriatric psych hospital or ward sounds like the right place for your mum. It does help when the professionals tell you that you are doing a good job. Doesn't get rid of all the stress, but the support does help. I second whatever they have said. Your mother is very fortunate to have you in her corner. I don't think the carousel stops till they are gone, and even then I am not so sure. You know the saying 'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.' Easier said than done (((((hugs)))

Slowly getting through this infection, feeling stronger, doing more. Have lost interest in cooking, so I know I am sick. I usually can cook no matter how I feel. It is a balancing act using enough antifungal, but not too much - which gives me nasty symptoms. Od'ed on ice cream today, so prob need some more antifungal. and/or probiotic. The infection causes sugar cravings which I don't have normally. Have to give up my morning coffee for now as it sets off a lightheadedness/headache. Oh well, this too will pass. Lemon ginger herbal tea is nice.
I have a vote for incompetence. The government lady on the phone said I MUST have an original of the POA to get the government to send me mother's pension mail and accept my OK that she is still alive etc. I have a notarized copy - the original is in the lawyers office. I had visions of having to go to E'ton get mother to sign the form or to go to the lawyers office also in E'ton get an original and take it to a service center there. But I took what I had to the service center here and she didn't look at it twice, copied it and sent it off. Hopefully they can't tell the difference at the other end. I will find out next week. I want that one crossed off my list. Have a bunch of washable slacks here for mother, one pair needs to be hemmed up, then they can be sent to her at the hospital. The drycleaners can do the hemming. I can hardly thread a needle these days. I need a cataract or two removed, but that will have to wait a while.

Sleep well all and look after you.

I guess I need to start keeping a spreadsheet to keep track of whether everybody's folks are at home or in a facility! What I would do for an edit function!

Sandwich, what a difficult time for you! Just remember it is only the professionals that you should listen to. They have seen it all. You are doing a good job. Oh and us caregivers, most of us, understand. How very frightening and frustrating for you. Remember, while she is in the hospital you can tell them you are not able to care for her any longer. Then they will have to find placement for her. I dread the day, and I am pretty sure it is going to come.

Sandwich, I started to write, but I got nuthin'. What a gigantic hairy ball of nonsense you've got to deal with. Hugs.

*Insert all your favorite swear words here*

Mom had a psychotic outburst today and from what I can tell, had to be hogtied and taken to the hospital that has a geriatric psych ward. She has been kicked out of the nursing home (third strike I guess). I have to go get her stuff on Friday. Somebody at the psych hospital will help us find locked memory care somewhere. Honestly, when does the carousel stop? I am so disgusted. I had been waiting for this new stability to end, because it always does. So here we are.

Apparently the lady next door to mom had a medical event that required 911 to come. This triggered mom to start screaming, yelling, fighting, and go out of control. She couldn't be calmed, so they must have restrained her to take her in. I would have! She was threatening to kill herself to get out of there.

This is hard for me because it brings back all the old anxiety from when my son was getting kicked out of daycares & pre-schools for behaviors due to his Adhd & aspergers, none of which he could help or control. Nobody wanted to help, just blame and berate.

And she has been blaming me for all this all day long, which is no surprise at all. At least the psych coordinator told me I am doing a good job. I'm sure she sees this all the time, but still it's reasuring to hear. I never heard one word of encouragement from the teachers who gleefullytold us he couldn't come back to school. It gets exhausting to have "experts" blame away like they have something to gain by it.

I'm so tired of this. How many more trips around the mulberry bush do I have to do? If somebody offered to be conservator and guardian right now, I'd let them.

Is this the dysfunctional family conversation? Well, hope so at least. We have living with my mother in her home a multi-generational family. I am the caregiver for mom, 89, and my son, his fiancee and baby girl live here as well. Also a dog. Finding time alone and some privacy are some of the issues I face daily and I am sure this resonates with a number of you good hearted caregivers. Isolation from the community, never being able to see old friends or make new ones are issues as well. I am just doing what my Priest told me to do and that is to "take one day at a time." God bless all who post here.