The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thanks, Looloo...
And haha, Glad, right now that fits! Arrgh.
Have a peaceful day
Christine

Hi Sharyn,
Glad to hear your daughter is hanging in there...that is stressful but she will be okay.
Yes, MIL will stay till she is beyond our ability to care for. They are in their 80's.
Hanging... :)
Christine

Cam, When I bought my house it had a plaque on the front door "Beast House" I will send it to you.

I overslept by 45 minutes this morning -- that NEVER happens! I actually wake up earlier than necessary just to have a few quiet moments befrore the dog needs walking and feeding, my husband gets up, and so on. Wasn't late for work, which was good - I just didn't have that 'extra' time.

Christine -- wow. Do you know how steady and determined you are now? And how clearly you are seeing things? I just want to say "Good JOB!!!" I'm not in your shoes, but it's obvious that you are getting there, believe me! I love your vision, and hope hope hope for calmer days for you and your family really soon! Hugs...

Getting the back of my car packed...diaper boxes, children books, my tripod, suit case goes in tomorrow morning. Well of to the pharmacy to pick up meds for bp and acid reflux.. and of course my hrt...cant forget that one.

Camayrillis-sounds like you are moving in the right direction and soon you will have your Harmony house back. Have you mentioned if mil will continue to live with you and Charles or will she be going with her husband? Hang in there.

:::Vent ahead,,,fair warning:::
Went to see three nursing homes for FIL. Two were good, the other meh. POA appt is 8/27. Think the atty. will come to the house, for a small additional fee. :) I am finally sold on the nursing home idea, now that I have seen some of them. Heck, I want to check in, let someone feed me and bathe me and all that! That might be an idea whose time is coming, a care facility for caregivers, haha.

FIL has been a bully all his life. He abused and bullied his wife to the point she basically ducks and covers if you look at her sideways. Charles told me last night he has no affection or really love for his dad because of the abuse. MIL wonders if Charles will be sorry he said that after FIL is dead. It is really sad. Major dysfunction, and a really fractured family, which now lives with us. Charles and I named our house Harmony. Because it usually is a tranquil place. Not so much anymore. The only good thing is that Charles and I have opposite strengths and are working together to solve this, and we are closer because of it.

Last night FIL fell. Again. Earlier, he couldn't stand up from sitting in the chair, so I helped him up and he couldn't scoot over to get his head on the pillow once I got him in there, so I had to scoop up his legs and move him around. Which is not a good idea for me to be doing. Anyway, he miraculously got up by himself at midnight or so, and wandered around, somehow getting one of my pyrex baking dishes and dropping it on the tile floor, and of course it exploded, glass everywhere. Then he fell. Into the glass. More shredded and bloody flesh on his arm. He woke Charles abruptly from being asleep and then started being an a** and pretty soon they were both shouting at each other. Waking MIL up. FIL said he couldn't get up, he was hurt, etc. He is an actor, so you never know what is real and what is in his mind. As you are getting him up he will say things like 'don't hit me, don't hurt me again', which is BS, as no one has ever lifted a finger to him. He is drama-filled. That makes me angry, as I can't tell when he really has a problem. He is trying to manipulate us and terrorize us, and even though he is not usually in his right mind sometimes he is so you never know what is next.

We have only had them for like four months or so. How do people do this for years?

I have called and emailed the Agency on Aging, and have not gotten a response to anything. Trying to get help from an agency that has personal attendants that the VA will reimburse for, but nothing is happening very fast there. Charles and I both work full time, and it is hard to have to be calling and doing this stuff during the workday. Waaahhh. Have to wait for the POA to maybe finally be done next week, then I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have a vision for how this can go. FIL goes to a facility. Either Charles or I can drop MIL off to visit him most days on the way to work and pick her up on the way home. I also want to enroll her in a Adult Day Care one day a week, she can have coffee with other little old ladies and make friends. I am really hoping that being free of FIL will help her. She is a mess, emotionally. And will be the next problem, but at least she doesn't have dementia. I have told Charles my vision, and he seems agreeable. Haven't told MIL yet, but I will. She is divided, grieving for him being so sick, and knowing that even if he is weak he can still hurt her so she has been keeping her distance.

Anyway, thanks for listening.
Christine

Today my daughters bp appt was not going well. They held her over to monitor her for over 2 hours before she texted me saying they sent her home...bp finally dropped to normal.I told her since she is getting close to the end, she probably has some anxiety about her appts. thinking this will be the day...so her bp is up when she first goes in.

Sis sent me an email saying she took mom in for her haircut and color but mom complained the whole time that the dye looked black, she didn't want black hair, etc. After the color was rinsed out and her hair cut and styled...mom said it was horrible. LOL!!..she always give sis a much harder than me and maybe this is a new normal for our mom and we won't be able to take her out for long periods of a time, I don't know...I will try her next hair appt and see how she does. If I can, I will go see her tomorrow before work.................One more day....and a 9 hour drive!!

What a great day working with a young man who opened deli. I told the b/d manager and him...such an improvement over working with "A". Alas, he is only helping not premanent.

Just reading an article online about a new and promising drug that has rebuilt brain cells in mice. They are getting ready to begin research on humans. Maybe this one will work.

http://curealz.org/2014/08/are-brain-cell-regeneration-drugs-ready-prime-time

Ok not making sense yet again!!! Not upset this time just no caffeine!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sandwich42plus, You made me smile when you replied to looloo--- Thanks 4 that!!Ha

"Why didn't I think of that. Coulda had a v-8! Haha!"




**********As far as everything, its been crazy as usual. Kids started school,now second day, its a wild ride again. Grandpa told me to leave 5:30am this morning to help my dad get my daughter ready ( son with me most nights still) and come back when they were gone!! Um,,, I was going to leave at 6:20 am after he ate breakfast So I can scramble and feed my kids a few minutes before they go. Well, he doesnt like eating so early, I understand and told him its how it would be because I have kids and he wants me to get a job -yet after I drop off my kids at school, I may have to go straight to work( ok, well just saying possible) and yet I have to be back for lunch at 11am ? He kept making comments he was bored and lonely, well, he needs to hire someone to keep him company plus hes the one who sends the other girl home early all the time!

I wont be there all day if I work then, after he says feed my kids come first so feed them dinner then... run to his house back to mine to help mine with homework but yet I cant help If I feed him last because then I have to be back at his house by that time! He blames me for not washing something when I washed it already and thought the other girl was going to this time because she used to at certain times. Hes mad I gave him steak when we picked him up dinner because its to hard on his teeth and system but yet for months and in the months he has eaten it! And said I was not grown up or mature because I didnt like reg steak, only breakfast steak( thin)! He really put me down again and is getting mad because Im not jumping to run down to see who called, sit there when the nurse is there for a whole 5 minutes, etc!!!! I tell him what will he do when Im at work? He says" your not right now", well, I need to get my house done and something else while Im looking for a job or Ill never be able to look for one!!!

Im actually going to send my dad down for lunch again!!! I have been real sick with Im assuming what is my Acid Reflux, lets say, everything I eat is coming back up, daily. Im on the computer complaining when I have sooo much to do! Yiikes me!!! Ok, well, Im gonna stop and go get my kids rooms done as well as the dining room. Maybe once I get a job I shall hire an organizer and a maid! That will be my splurge money!

Lovestinks- Sometimes you never know how someones family is until something major happens. So sorry you and your husband are being treated this way. Be careful you and your husband take care of yourselves as well. Idk if his siblings will ever realize what they are putting you both through. I wish you luck

looloo- Im glad you had a great day! Sounds wonderful even it is cleaning! Giving the dog a bath is fun overall though, least it is with ours!

juddabuddhaboo- Sounds so nice! Im glad you had a relaxing lunch :)

sandwich42plus-I know, I do need to grow one, easier said then done! At least for me. I told my kids and dad that unless he or they have fallen, the house is on fire or an animal is hurt, dont get me!!! Of course, so far, no one has listened..yet! I do have to stay calm, but if I dont get a rest soon, idk, im trying. YOur right , it would put me on their level. As far as my son, he has been this way before I cared for grandpa ( I mean Id bring food check on him but never nights, all days , detailed stuff until recently). I see what you mean though, my daughter last night asked me to watch something with her and I told her no because I had to get to my grandpas because he doesnt like be down at 8:30pm its too late, I have to be there at 6:30pm. So my evening is blah.

As far as your mom Im sorry it didnt go better for you all. If you feel you need to change the amount of time you go see her, then do it. What did your kids say?

Sandwich, that is good I thought your Mom was one of those fairly recently. Makes me feel a bit better. You see I am a visual learner, and if you had told me about your Mom in a face to face conversation I would be able to associate the story better with a face.

Glad - mom fell in late April & went to this unit in May as a rehab person. When she stopped cooperating with PT, she moved down the hall as a regular resident/no longer rehab. This is where she'll stay until she needs hospice.

I don't make the kids go much at all. This is not a time where we are building precious moments together. If anything, they have learned how absurd life is. They see the nice elders, and they see my mom. They see what I have to put up with and how their dad helps me.

Looloo! I love the six week taper to every other month! Why didn't I think of that. Coulda had a v-8! Haha!

Sandwich, I vote for changing the visiting schedule to every 6 weeks, then 2 months...

Sandwich, so sorry you had a rough visit. Do the grandchildren want to go? I sure would not make them at this point. If your mother were pleasant to them, that would be one thing. From the sounds of it, that is not the case.

How long has she been there? I know some on this site have recently placed their loved ones, but I sure cannot remember who.

Reporting in from Planet Ruth - visited mom over the weekend. Trying to keep it to once a month and see how it goes. I should be able to tolerate once a month, especially if everybody goes with me! (See how sneaky I am...)

It was 11:00 in the morning and there she sat, in a wet Depends and a PJ top eating her 9:00 a.m. breakfast tray. I wouldn't dream of yelling at staff for this situation because I know how she is. She has always been contrary and bossy to the point of stupidity. If she's supposed to get up, eat, and take her pills, she will act like a three year old over it and practically hold her breath to get her way. So to prove her point to everybody, she had refused to get up, dress, put on dry Depends, and eat her ___ breakfast when normal people do those things. I guess she really showed us....*eye roll* All the staff I ran into told me they had been trying to get her up & dressed. I said "good luck with that!" The head nurse said that mom had been up and dressed once last Thursday. I'm sure she wanted to add "raising h_ll all over the place" but was too polite. Honestly it's better for everybody if mom stays in her room.

This is how she lived in NC in her house. In the dark, no schedule, no sense of hygiene. A giant pile of over-ripe, near rotting apples by her side. All the comforts of home.

I got the recitation of all the things supposedly stolen (that aren't missing). I got the list of everything she hates about her room mate (who is a very sweet lady). I also got the want list of things she doesn't have room for that I'm not going to bring back.

Mom is so paranoid that she thinks all the other patients she sees on the unit are there due to the things staff have done to them - not their advanced illnesses & dementia. Everybody there would be perfect if the staff hadn't made them like they are. OR...this is great. OR everybody else there is faking it to be fussed over. There's nothing wrong with them at all and they are faking it so they can get the orderlies to look at their naked butt. ('Cause you know how much 25 year old men want to see an old lady's incontinent butt. I hear it's very popular.) When she said that, I heard my son snort and laugh out in the hallway, and say something like "GR-OSS!"

She keeps trying to get me to leave money with her and I won't do it. She says she owes people money. For what? Who knows - she can't say. She just does and I shouldn't question it. I asked her if she'd started betting on the horses at her age and she just looked mad. (Mom's so Baptist she won't even play Monopoly because it might lead to gambling.)

I went to look in her drawers and closet cubby, and got yelled at for "plundering". Ha. If I had a dollar for every time in my life I got yelled at for that, I'd be rich. It's amazing. The difference is that now, I just ignore her. Yell away. I am plundering like a Pirate! Look at me touching everything! *touch touch touch*

I guess as far as visits go, it could have been worse. It's a pity her grandkids had to see her like that. She didn't care one bit that her 15 year old grandson and 13 year old grand daughter caught her in her wet smelly underpants and a PJ top. No shame whatsoever. I told the kids they could go in the hall and wait. This doesn't need to be the reason they end up in therapy later.

Me1000 - I'm going to be really blunt here, but I don't intend to be mean. You need to grow a backbone honey. You get treated like a doormat because let it happen. You can't change all these other people, but you can change how you respond to it. Only you can make changes that will make life better.

You are NOT powerless in all this. You are just passive. I'm not saying be aggressive. I am saying that you don't have to be the Cinderella here.

Just because the phone rings does not mean you have to answer it. Just because somebody asks/demands does not mean they get it right this second. Just because you are surrounded by people who seem very selfish does not mean you have to continue catering to it.

They have been trained through years of experience that they can push you around. You are going to have to retrain them and it might take time.

Learn to say NO and mean it. Stop answering the ___ ____ phone for one. Unplug it from the wall if you have to. Stop being a slave to everyone else. Clearly they are able to make priorities and have them met because you are helping meet those priorities to your own detriment. You have to stop feeding this situation you hate.

Your son is acting out because he is not getting his mom and he needs his mom. This situation has gone south and you are going to have to make some drastic changes to turn it around. List your priorities and work that list.

I would pull your son aside, outside the house, maybe go to the park or something and talk. Tell him you are upset at how this situation is. Tell him you love him, and that you want to make it better. Ask him how he might be able to help. He might have some great ideas. Try to reconnect with him without anybody else around. And stay connected. Try to have a set time each week just the two of you go do something, even if it's just walk around the block.
Listen to him and don't take anything he says personally. Really listen without judgement. (It's really hard!)

It's probably hard NOT to lose your temper at this point, but try to really watch that. Expect your boundaries to be a big flop with everyone who ran them over in the past. Expect them to try to make it like it has always been. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. And after that, stay calm some more. Losing it puts you on the same level as them.




If you're stopping your shower for other people's needs, then the first problem I would work on is inside yourself. I have had the phone brought to me in the shower, on the toilet, etc. and I educated that person VERY CLEARLY that was to NEVER happen again. Lock the bathroom door. Lay it out in very plain words that the next person who interrupts your bathroom time is going to lose an arm. If they keep handing you the phone in the shower, hang it up, put the phone down, and keep showering.

The summer is almost gone. Today I am spending the day with a friend whom I rarely see: lunch and walk on the beach! What joy there is when you take time to find it.
I am very grateful I am on my own and Mom is busy with others today.

Happy Monday! Had a lovely day yesterday. Had the house to myself. Got up early, had a VERY long walk/jog in the park w/my dog, then did a much more thorough job than usual cleaning the house! Also gave my dog a bath, lol. And got a bunch of filing done-both my own stuff and my mother's. And watched maybe one too many murder shows on t,v., haha. Guilty pleasure!
Hope you all have some moments of peace and productivity this week :)

FIL passed 3 years ago :( MIL makes 100.00 over the criteria for Medicaid. She refuses help from anyone but us. Last time I tried, her reaction wasn't pretty. I am still trying to figure a way, creatively, to get her help. I attend a support group once a month and have taken training courses and have become certified to work with ALZ and dementia patients. MIL is still healthy enough to be in her own home. Her dementia is routine based so it's functional. She is a lovely person, but she doesn't do anything with out my help. She doesn't drive. I bath her, maintain her home inside and out. I do all shopping and meal prep. I've tried hiring people for our company to pick up the slack while I'm caregiving. That turned out to be a mistake on all three occasions. The brothers don't do anything except accuse us of improprieties and promise things to MIL without following through. By improprieties I mean take liberties with MIL $ (they think it's theirs). I made sure she had a new dress for one of their functions (we weren't invited to) that was an inappropriate use of her funds to them. ( I am POA and husband is back up) I'm not sure what they think, but they act like POA is a golden ticket or some kind of affirmation of their parents love. Oh my, to us all it is, is a work order. They have been abusive and wrote us off.... Their maniacal behavior is very scary, which stops us from reporting to them, financially. So many people on this site seem to think that if there is no communication, you are hiding, so you must be stealing $. SIL talks to MIL everyday I've been hoping that is enough for them. I have a different point of view them all of them. MIL deserves to be happy. A few of her bucks to fix up the yard so she has something beautiful to look at and not have to worry about tripping on roots, is a good thing...not an attempt to increase the property value. FYI, I set up the living trust for the house in all three boys names (and they know it). I live everyday like this is the calm before a really bad storm.

Does your MIL and FIL have any money to pay for their care? If not, would they qualify for medicaid?

I thought my husband's family was normal compared to mine....ugh. I love MIL and FIL But when we asked for help with them from his brothers , they refused "This will be good for you" they pompously declared. They have no respect for my husband. He is the most hard working, kind and loyal person I have ever met. At every chance they put him down. He is not a "professional" like they are but we own a moderately successful honest business. We are able to put both our daughters through college with the money we saved before the caregiving. Now we barely have a business. We almost lost the business 3 years ago because of the demands of caregiving. The struggle has been none stop. We have figured a way to stream line things but why?, while his bothers own mansions in FLA, and go on cruises once a month. We haven't been on vacation for 4 years. I love my husband but I hate what his family is doing to him. Don't they realize (they do) I am the one doing all the work for their parents. I believe we earned the respect...Where is it? The thing that scares me is there is no money to take care of us. I am putting my children through college to have a life not to take it away.

Margeaux- thank you and I agree with you, tests make almost everyone even worse with or without issues! ( h.w. too) Im sure you and your sibling went through a lot of stress too, living with someone with issues is not easy either. I think thats some parents, incl myself get so caught up in keeping the one child calm etc it takes a little more time away from our other kids. Its not fair to you all. I hope everything is better for your brother and you! Thank you

emjo23- Thank you and I see what your saying, as well as sharing the story of the OP who got away from it. It gives me courage like the OP I also read with 6 kids here, and is married, I say I can too and when it comes time, I dont. My son was actually born with the waking up 4 times a night and at 1 1/2 old he really started his ways, every year worsened. I was always with him except for school. But, since I have gone down nights -12 hour nights and for a month or so all day.. recently, yes, both my kids were making comments I was gone, wasnt there etc. So the days I have cut back dramatically esp since they are out of school and night well,is the same. My grandpa is upset because I want to only be there about 9-10hrs a night and lunch and dinner (for now until job then just dinner) and a little more times on weekends or whenever days off if job....so I can help my kids get ready in the am, h.w. at night and lil time with them. I have kids school and scout functions coming up and hes upset...but yet.. says hes fine lone hes just lonely. We got neighbors who can check on him call and or go by swapping off, my dad too every hour for a min at least. Oh well, he wont. Im glad your mom isnt giving a hard time about the injections. Hopefully it all works out and 102 is awesome, but I agree with you that she should have more care. I dont like fruit flies either, or flies! We used to use that long strip sticky thing hanging from the ceiling but they wouldn't go on it! Plus it leaked!

sharynmarie- I wish you luck and enjoy!

gladimhere- so, we share an Aunt? My Aunt also says who can be in my home although Im an adult! Good luck!!!

Emjo, it's the vagueness of the sw's responses that would drive me batty! "Hope" for the next level of care. "Eventually" she'll be given a shower. "Occasionally" she'll have her hair done. None of those statements are worth anything to you, they're nothing more than CYA (Cover My A--) statements. Hoping you get some clear detailed info from the social worker that demonstrates her commitment to your mother's care.

Sharyn, no question, you all need to be on the same page. I rely solely on email to communicate with siblings regarding Mom. I do not need any of the he said she said nonsense! In fact POA sis at one point emailed me to tell me I should call her with important things. I responded that time has shown that I NEED documentation of notifications, but I would also text her when needed.

Document, document, document...EVERYTHING!

There was a big confusion regarding my mother's new medications. The order from the dr was faxed to them on 7/28...I hand delivered the new meds on Thurs 7/31. The nurse told me on 7/31 they would start the Lexapro that evening and the Namenda the next moring. Sis called them on Tues this week and was told by the nurse they started the meds on 7/28 and that our mother was taken to the ER by our brother over the weekend. My sis said...excuse me...why was my brother called to take my mother to ER and not me when I am the one with DPOA? This is my mother you are talking about so please check this out.. The nurse told her, I am sorry...I don't have access to the computer right now ( sis said she could hear her typing in the background). Sis told her our mother's name and said is it my mother you are referring to? Then the nurse said...oh, I am sorry...but Yes we started the new meds on 7/28.. I went to see mom on Wed...8/6. I asked the med tech how my mother was tolerating the new meds ( I was not aware of the conversation between sis and the nurse that day before), the med tech told me they just started mom on the Lexapro the night before and the Namenda on Wed 8/6. They wanted to finish out her old scripts so they would not have to destroy the meds before they started the new meds. That made since to me so I sent sis an email telling her this info so that she could cancel the 8/11 appt with mom's dr since he wants to see her after she has been on the meds for 3 weeks. So sis emailed me back telling me about her convo with the nurse the day before...I called the memory care...the nurse was not available...I left a message. I emailed sis back telling her I called them...She called them and of course they called her back almost immediately...I didn't get called back for about 3 hours. I am going to email my sis that she needs to inform me of any convo's that she has with them so I know what is going on or I am wasting my time taking care of mom's medical.

Yes, I am hoping my vacay is not going to jeopardize my job and am planning to ask my b/d deli manager again on Wednesday with witnesses. I do not trust this store...too much drama and I am very stressed out tonight because of "A" and "Y".

"A" complained to the store manager about some things that I have not been taking care of at night. However one the things I do every night which is bleach out the white cutting boards. I had the center store manager sign off on all the violations that "A" complained about...but I told him she and "Y" do the same thing. Tomorrow, I will let it be known that I am tired of cleaning out salad debris from the raw chicken sink which is a sanitation violation....I am tired of spending 15-20 min of my time every night clean the salad debris out of the other sinks,.....this is why we have a very large strainer/colander so the opener can rinse the salad bowls in the colander to collect all the salad debris so it does not collect in the drain. She refuses to follow procedure on several issues but I have ignored it because we are under staffed. However, if she wants to mess with me, I will start calling her out on every single one of them and reporting. I really hate these be-atches....drama makers who think they own the department and don't have to answer for anything. I know I am probably trying to win a losing battle since the two have joined forces...I will just start putting in for a transfer every single week.