The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank all of you for your support and hugs. I think one of the hardest things is the isolation and sharing and finding you are not alone isso xomforting.

Karan, sorry your situation is so dismal right now. Can you turn your father over to the state, and let him be their problem? You need to get your life back.

Karan,
Many of us relate to your situation. I too, have a Master's degree that I completed two years ago. Add to that 25 years work experience in land planning. I was laid off the first time, five and a half years ago now. The economy tanked, and there was not a need for planners. I finally found a position in January 2011, the first problem was answering a phone call from my mother, that a supervisor walked in on. Mom was asking me when she should pick me up from the airport, I lived just an hour away, by car. And she hadn't driven in four or five years by that time.This conversation was my wake up call as to how bad my Mom's memory had become and that help was needed at home for her. A few months later, having no patience for an employee that had medical issues with a parent, to say nothing of the drainage report that documented water runs uphill that I wanted corrected, I was laid off. Then we all have problems finding employment due to age alone, then add to it all the other STUFF, I have just about given up hope.

You have come to the right place. You need to take care of yourself to protect your sanity. You need to do what you need to do. Best wishes to you and hugs!

Karan, I so relate to what you wrote. I wish you could find a good job and get away from your father. It doesn't sound like a healthy situation at all. Some people can never show gratitude. Your father sounds like he is doing to you what my mother does to me. She provides two rooms for my rabbits and me, then claims that she is taking care of me. I just let her think it, since she seems to need to. But yes, it bothers me that she thinks of me like that, since I pay my own bills and upkeep. She is starting to take so much of my time I am beginning to worry about having enough time to work. It's sad to be working so hard and be appreciated so little. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I do hope that you can get a job and get away from it. From what you wrote, you do not owe your father your sanity and life. Big hugs from here.

Thank you for starting this thread. It answered my prayer this morning. I have been thru a bit of a trial. In five years my mother became terminally and i cared for her. My career was destroyed in the process because as an engineer in defense we were expected to have no problems and hit the road at a moments notice but my mother was the light of my life. Unfortunately right after her death my alcoholic brother went thru organ failure needed my help and also died. I have been left with my 93 year old father, also alcoholic and as mean as his alcoholic father was. I have lived a life that only included my mother but now am stuck helping my father. The job market seems to think my masters degree and 25 years of experience just fell out of my head so my dad gives me a small stipend to augment my food stamps. He says its out of the kindness of his heart and not because i drive him habdle his medical care help me pick food eyc. I am allow to use a bedroom in the second house on the property and a little electricity but no gas so no stove oven or heat. My stuff has been in boxes around me and the stress of isolation and his constant meanness is breaking me. I got a social worker just for me because i was afraid he was going to throw me to the street in a fit of anger and i would just disappear. I am a person that is easily taken advantage of and had friends i thought would help but they were emotional vampires that had taken much from me and vanished when i needed a hug or kind word. I just dont know how long i can keep this up and with my back up my dad is able to be in his home. I tried so hard to love my mother and get away from the chaos alcohol causes

Loo, happy birthday to your mom. I too, would stay away! Enjoy a quiet day without balloons, cake and singing. Those are much more preferable to me anyway!

'Morning everyone. How's your week shaping up?
Today is my mother's 84th birthday. I won't be acknowledging it-no phone call, no delivery of flowers. She's fixated and obsessed with how I took her car away, and it's all she talks about to others (and to me, for the past few weeks), so I am taking a time out. It feels good, except that I need to begin figuring out how to continue the oversight of her care without involving myself w/her at all.
I have her new DMV I.d. Card, and had planned to slip it into her wallet at some point soon, but now, am not sure how to coordinate this. I'll need to speak to her home care person (who I don't think is that effective, but at least she's dependable) and make sure she's getting more involved in my mother's care re-her meds, making sure her clothes and linens are being washed. And I'll need to schedule some dr. And dentist appts, but will need the caregiver to take her instead of me. I may schedule some time w/her doctor myself and explain the situation (or keep handing him written updates, as I've been doing.)
I'm not sure where things are w/my mother and me now. I need no contact now, but would tolerate brief visits if she stops accusing me and demanding that I return her car. I can't keep getting pulled into the same angry, useless tirade.
So, for now, I am enjoying the quiet, and planning how to change course a bit.

Sharyn, yup our sisters, and Emjo's too sound very similar in the things they will do to bring attention to themselves. Giving others gifts then expecting visits to mom to show appreciation?! Unbelievable! I am just here doing the good old head shake and eye roll.

Sandwich, you made me chuckle over a happy memory from way back: my good friend left me in charge of her house (my three kids and her three boys) while she ran to the shops. She was gone fifteen minutes. By the time she got back her middle boy, then aged four, and I were eyeball to eyeball in the vegetable garden and he had just DELIGHTFULLY emptied both full nostrils down his face as an act of defiance. And I'd always wondered why she seemed to find him so hard to manage...

The good news: this incredibly difficult boy is now among the most charming, as well as the most focused, young men I know; and I was delighted to give him a character reference for a professional training opportunity a few years ago. Oh my God it has been hard for him and hard for my friend, but they found a way - there will be light!

Her youngest boy was never so difficult to cope with but his interests in life are confined to pure mathematics and hiking. I love him really but the charm is less accessible :)

Linda~Wow...what a teacher that was...I hope you had your child removed from his/her classroom and reported it to the principal and school district.At the end of my sons second grade year, I took him off Ritilan the last 6 weeks because he was having asthma issues and bronchitis every 3 weeks. I felt is was best to treat the asthma and bronchitis first. I did not want him over medicated. When he started 3rd grade, I had not restarted the Ritilan in hopes it would not be necessary. His teacher started complaining about his behavior so I started him back on Ritlian and the problem was resolved within a week. However, that was not good enough for this teacher...she now wanted to complain about how messy my sons desk was and could we please work on getting him to be more organized. Whether right or wrong...I felt she was now nit picking so I never said a word about it to my son. My son also wore glasses, he had several grade school teachers who refused to insist he wear them in the classroom. My son would wear them when he left home, but when he got to school, he put them in his desk. He is now legally blind in that one eye...not all the fault of the teachers...my son is to blame too because he worked the system...even though he has ADHD, he is very bright and one teacher told me...he has figured out how to get by just enough to pass....your son is one of those that falls into the cracks of the system. I wanted to wring that teachers neck for that remark. After that remark...I fell back on what the laws were for helping children with ADHD...they had to meet with me monthly giving me reports and coming up with strategies to help my son succeed!! Yes, as Joan said...mother knows best..and don't tell a mother her child is falling through the cracks...because you will be forced to fill the cracks in!!! And more rant...my son was put on a diet for allergies due to the Asthma...his 6th grade teacher refused to informed me of class parties with food my son had tested allergic too...I told her I would provide special food for him on those days including treats so he felt included and special...she wouldn't let me know...but had no problem complaining about his behavior. Ok..enough on this rant, LOL!!
Joan~I laughed so hard about your comment to ME using a 2x4, LOL!!! The first image that came to mind was the story you told about marching to a playground in in your slippers to protect your son from a bully...I could just see you smacking an adult up side the head with a yardstick...LOL!!! God Bless you for that even though I know you wouldn't actually hit someone with a 2x4 or a yardstick...but my visual was very funny!!
Loo~Good advice from others about being careful with your brother...as much as you would like a good relationship with him...it probably won't work out the way you would like as adults.

My sis responded back to my email where I said...I only mentioned this because I feel mom's money should be used for her care only. She said "Guilt is a great motivator. I don't want people to think mom is dead. I give them a gift hoping they feel guilt and will visit her." My first response was...I laughed, thinking that is exactly what mom would mom if she could. Then, I felt sad for my sister that she thinks she can control and manipulate others feelings. Then, I was angry because she herself does not visit our mom except when she has to...that is called PROJECTION in therapy.

Tomorrow is a busy day off...appts, visiting mom after Midget gets groomed and cleaning!!

Have a good night and a good day tomorrow,

was going to say - Mother knows best!

Sandwich and Linda - I found that most teachers had very little understanding of the boys. Eventually, I took them for various types of testing which confirmed what I already knew. Some of the teachers were downright rude and destructive to the boys. Example - they were going to put J in a lower reading group based in his written responses for reading comprehension. I knew what he was reading and understanding at home which was way above his school grade. I also knew he had poor fine motor skills and hated writing. They tested him and found out - guess what - he was quite bright. What he had to work on was his written expression and actual writing skills. Guess who helped him - not the teachers. The poor boy was so relieved when the results came in. What if they had put him in a lower reading group? His self esteem would have plummeted and he would have been even more bored. In April they told me that he had accomplished the goals for the year in all subjects and asked me what I thought they should do with him. I asked them what he was doing with himself. They said daydreaming. I asked if he was disturbing the class. The answer was "No". So I told them to let him day dream. The other one D, I discovered in about grade 5, was an auditory learner. He was failing school, so I came home from work every day and read his text books onto tapes - even math!!! His marks jumped up and he passed the year based on the results of his final exams The principal called me and commented on it as it was usually the other way around and asked what I had done. Later counsellors told me he would do better as he got higher up in school due to more lecture based teaching. He got his best marks in college. One teacher that year called me up and told me that all D needed to do was work harder as he was lazy. I told her off and said he is not lazy, but suffers from poor self esteem due to teachers like you. I went to the principal and said I would NOT have my son in this teacher's class again (she was supposed to be his homeroom teacher the next year). She was moved to another school. I remember the year when I went to a school concert for one of them and they didn't fidget the whole time. What a relief!!!

It was a battle for the two of them pretty well through every grade. They wanted D to go the vocational route. He had poor fine motor skills too!!! I said, "No way!!!" They found out in Gd. 11 that he was very good at creative writing. He got through high school and eventually has a choice of business admin, an English degree or computer technology. He chose computers and now is a manager at the college where he took the course. His teachers would never have pegged him for anything like that. Mo

Loo, I agree with Emjo, be careful. Oh, how I wish that my dysfunctional siblings would come around, and not even help, just let me know that everything I do is appreciated. Course an apology would be nice as well. But I never anticipate anything of the sort happening. And if it started to move that was, I would not trust it at all. And the social worker/mom's guardian agrees with me. SW has been involved now for about ten months which is plenty of time for her to understand the relationships in this family, and she TRULY gets it!

I had a teacher tell me that he didn't move my ADD son to the front of the room( he focused better in the front) as I'd requested because "he didn't want him contaminating the other kids".???? Another teacher refused to make a few very small accomodations because she "didn't want to enable him". Another teacher complained about his getting up (1st grade) to sharpen pencils all the time - "he should sharpen them all first thing in the AM" - a 6 yo kid with ADD??? So I bought him mechanical pencils, which he disassembled during boring lectures in 4th grade to focus (of course he didn't know this at the time). That teacher complained about his handiwork - I was out of pencil options and when I asked the kid what she'd discussed that day, the little stinker rattled it off. I likened to me doodling when I'm on a boring phone call at work.

Sometimes I have to think more mood stabilizing drugs in the water supply wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing! Just kidding! No, really...

It's me, regular old Sandwich. I'm just not 42 anymore and the site wouldn't let me put a plus sign (+) next to my name, so I had to spell it out. I almost went with Sammich. heehee.

I hope everybody is really tring to take care of themselves. This stress will kill you, and that's no joke. Stay hydrated too. I won't say rest or relax because then you'd know I was from the wrong planet.

Re the ADHD thing. My son has ADHD & Aspergers. He was born this way. When he's off his medication, he's like a truck going 100 miles an hour down a mountain with no brakes. He is 15 and has become omniscient recently (lucky us) and didn't believe he needed to be prepared for a summer math course test. He didn't study and didn't take his meds on test day. Well, we don't have to be an Einstein math wizard to figure that one out. Teenagers.....

His whole life I've had well meaning but totally uninformed people tell me to just whip him harder to make him listen. I had one teacher tell me with a straight face to "please tell your son (age 4 at the time) that hitting is wrong!" Gee, what an idea! These people don't know how hurtful they really are. My own mother said to whip him harder too. Right. That always works out well. *eyeroll* Other Top 10 spectacular suggestions were to tell him what the rules are (for real). Punish him more/harder. Slap him. Spank him with a belt. Take away his toys.
When you put it in a list, it starts to look a lot like child abuse to me! I would just respond with a look or "well, we're working with doctors and therapists on this, so you'll have to bear with me if I don't beat my autistic son to death right now." That usually shut them up. At the time Aspergers was considered part of Autism.

Sometimes, if I had it in me, I'd look them right in the eye and say that my son is not a product of failure to parent. We have one of the strictest houses I've ever seen schedule-wise & rules-wise. Kids like mine require that level of structure. We have zero flexibility in our day. We can't just take off on a whim and let him sleep in the stroller because he will scream for hours on end. We can't haul him around late at night to fun things because he will be awake for 72hours+ as a result. This is not poor parenting. This is a medical problem we are dealing with. We explored parenting methods from one end of the earth to the other and the only thing that seems to work is having a schedule set in reinforced concrete. And social skills therapy. And medication to control the impulsiveness and mood swings. Like brakes on the truck and some driver's training.

I offered to let them walk a mile in our shoes, and nobody ever took me up on it. Just like now, with elder caregiving with complex conditions.

I figure these are the same people who bash our elder caregiving choices now. They are uninformed, ignornat, and inexperienced in what this can be like. But they know it all from afar. I'm going to sprain an optical muscle if I don't stop rolling my eyes.

You're right, Emjo. Much as I'd like to think there's not a huge emotional component, there is. And I do need to keep my head on straight.

Just be cautious, loo. Last fall my sis came over to visit mother and we had a couple of great conversations. Then all of a sudden she turned on me and was as nasty as could be. So I have cut contact, I don't want to malign your bro, but you do have a history with him, he has asked for money, and he may - may - have an agenda that doesn't match yours. All I am saying is - be careful and protect yourself. I hope it is unnecessary and wish you both well.

Well -- I guess I have to re-re-RE-evaluate things with my brother. Maybe. I don't know. Brief background: we're not close, he's a recovering alcoholic who's been sober now for decades, but we just haven't had anything to do with each other since we were probably 9-10 years old. When my dad died in December 2009, he seemed to want to re-start family relationships, and we tried, but it was very awkward, and he started fading away again. Ok, fine. I'm content with this, I just don't want the back and forth. It was hurtful at first, because this happened right as my mother started really sliding, and I felt foolish for thinking he'd 'be there.' A few months ago, after no contact of any kind, except for a silly facebook email from his wife on Easter Sunday telling me they were breaking up, which turned out to be a false alarm, he called, and in a very crude way, asked for money. I know he's got money worries, but it was one of my fears that I'd be in this position, and lo and behold, there we were. I let him down as kindly as I could, but was very angry, and decided to write him off completely.
So, fast forward a few months, to today. He called me after visiting my mom (very brief visit, first one in a few months -- and I don't blame him a bit for that). He got her version of events, and I gave him mine. He was very supportive, understanding, and thanked me for taking care of everything. And then explained his own situation with his MIL (his wife can no longer take care of her, they're making arrangements to move her into a board and care -- and this is after her detox for pain pill addiction, Yikes!). I was happy to have spoken with him, and we wished each other the best, and so ... there you go. I won't write him off today. :)

Just one more aggravation isn't it? You are handling it right. Sharyn and I agree it is all about your sis. Thankfully a few years ago mother said that she couldn't manage presents any more and then told me that my sis still wanted presents. I supported mother and told her presents were not necessary. Glad, how can your narc sis justify the expense she s causing you mum - It floors me.

Me - what read is that your aunt tells you things must be this way and your grandfather says that things must be that way, and what I want to know is where do you figure in this. You are not a puppet just to have your strings jerked. My mother and my sis have said things should be this way or that. If I agree fine and if I disagree fine. You NEED a break. You don't have to take what they say as gospel. My two oldest sons have learning disabilities and the oldest one tended to be fidgety and a risk taker. They are bright enough but has trouble settling in school and learned differently that the schools taught at that time. I can't tell you the hours I spent helping them with their schoolwork. Hours and hours and hours over the years, and advocating for them at parent teacher interviews. Ritalin was prescribed for the oldest but he wouldn't take it. They both graduated from high school. One was very social and the other not at all. The both had good jobs/careers now and good relationships with their life partners, though there were many time that I worried about them. Your son needs you, and your support. Others can tend to grandpa whether he likes it or not. You are an adult and don't have to do things his way. As to you being no good - whoever says that needs a whack on the side of the head with a 2x4!!! I would want to agree with them and then tell them to find someone better and walk out of their life. "You are right that I am no good. I will back out and you can find someone who is good." Surely aunt can help with this! If you are financially dependent on grandpa, he and aunt will use this and you will be jerked around until you are independent.

loo - yes - more to do but less direct involvement. I think it is an improvement. You have to kick them out of your head too less they take up too much space.

brandy - I think the others have said it. Sounds like it is very difficult to see your mum. It is getting more and more that way for me, due to my own health issues and the distance. So be it. We have to accept the realities.

famdram - sis has cut her son in law off her fb page apparently because he shows too many gardening pictures. She bought the house with fairly large grounds and her daughter and sil rent from her I believe - anyway pay their share one way or another, and they all occupy the house together, Her son in law does all the ground maintenance and gardening and does a very nice job of it, growing organic veggies for the household as well. Frankly, I rather enjoy his gardening pics. I think sis is attempting to divide and conquer. It puts her daughter in a very difficult situation. I have noticed a few remarks on fb that led me to believe that there was trouble between sis and her son in law. He is not my favourite person, but he is her daughter's husband and he does contribute well to the household, sis's daughter does the cooking and cleaning and they both have jobs so sis is well looked after. The couple drink a lot but still seem to keep things going. With mother pretty well out of the picture as far as game playing is concerned, I think this is a new game. My nephew said that sis is going to visit them again. She hadn't seen them in 5 years and now wants to visit. New game there too, I guess. I am staying out of it. Mother tried the divide and conquer with me and Gary and it backfired in her. I didn't visit her for months.

Took gd Em for lunch yesterday. What a lovely girl/young woman she is growing into. She has a good sense of herself, confident, but not brash at all. She has just turned 11 but is starting adolescence. She conversed very nicely over the meal, but still showed the :little girl" in her when desert arrived and dove into the whipped cream which adorned the cheese cake she had ordered. It was good. I got out for a short walk before the heat descended. It smelt like summer - a mixture of grass and wildflowers - lovely. Having good days and not so good days but mostly just tired, which goes with the infection and all I have to do is take the meds and rest, rest, rest. Slowly, like the cat, getting better. He is home now and wobbly but each day showing a little bit of progess. I have been having some flashbacks re Gordie and Toonie - to be expected this time of year, Grief waits for you to have a quiet moment...

The SW asked if G and I had set a date. How can I set date when I don't know what they are doing with mother and when? Sure set, a date and plan a wedding and then in the middle of that have to move mother, set her up in a new place and have an auction to dispose of her extra things. I don't think so! For me, that is a recipe to set off another infection flare up. I cant afford it. I really need to impress that on the SW. She hasn't got it yet.

About 74 now going up 90. Better get out now before it warms up much more. Here the heat comes late in the afternoon.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you!!!

I'm sorry, Sharyn, it does suck. Very galling. You're wise to rise above it.

Thank you loo...that is how I feel about it.

Sharynmarie, it does sound like an obnoxious personality trait of your sister's, but if she's not doing financial harm to your mother, then you're smart to let it go.

If my mom were living with sis and was able to understand the gift giving I would have no problem. After the way my sister behaved at my daughter's shower wanting to know how Mich people gave in gift cards and then her comment about our brother only giving a $40 gift card...this is where I see sis benefitting because she gives $50 of mom's money and $20 of her signing both their names but sis gets the kudos for it. Anyway I have let her know how I feel and will not bring ot up again with her.

We actually went through this at Christmas time. I ordered collector sets from the US Mint which Mom has been giving to her grandchildren for probably 20 years or so, and Mom wanted to get these. This caused a big to do with sis POA, as she thought Mom should not be spending the money, yet the Christmas before she did not have a problem and actually had to write me a check to reimburse me since I picked them up out of town. She also wrote checks to each of us three dys sisters for $100.00 each, that was ok, as were the coin sets, but things sure change over the course of one year and legal nonsense!

CM-it isn't worn the conflict...my mom is not aware she is giving anyone a gift.it really isn't about my mom....its about my sister who is benefitting from it. I am not goo g to argue with her about it...not worth it.

Sharyn, she's right about the gifts, you're right about the amounts. I don't know, would it help to think about what kind of gift she was in the habit of giving and tailor future gifts to fit the same price bracket? My mother specialised in hilariously cr*p presents with the occasional gem thrown in - she gave my son and my nephew, for their 18th birthdays, penguin-shaped shower radios - what else does a young man want??!

My sister errs on the tight-fisted side, which creates its own headaches; but in the end it doesn't matter. As long as your mother feels she is making a gesture, it is for her benefit to continue the practice. Once she past having any knowledge of holidays or birthdays or family at all (oh woe, but it comes to us all) then I think it's more questionable. This is a tricky one; it's probably not worth the conflict; but no your sister should not be getting lavish and you're right to frown on it. Hugs

Sharyn, Mom's money is always for her care regardless of who provides it. And the money is not for use by siblings attorney fees to fight Mom's trust or instructions in it. Very late for me, gnite.

I sent my sis an email telling her I did not think it was necessary to give gifts from mom to the family. Her response was....mom would give gifts if she was of right mind so I will continue to do as I have been doing. I am not surprised by her response, however, our mom would not be giving $50.00 gifts...she would give $10-20...it is not the amount that bothers me...it is the fact that mom's money is for her CARE...not to give gifts. Maybe I am wrong about this.

Loo~The impulsiveness is a big problem. My son was tested on a computer test...my son told me afterwards that he figured out a sequence to it and felt he aced it!!! When we went back to get the results of the test....the dr said he is so very impulsive and there is no sequence, it was all random. As an adult, my son has bad some bad decisions on impulse, as a child his relationships did suffer not just here at home but socially he was an outcast until jr high and high school. Even though I do not see eye to eye with his wife, she is a strong person to controls the roost...so it helps to keep him balanced.My son and daughter are not close at all and it all goes back to childhood...I hope someday, they can at least become friends.

Today was really a good productive day at work. Even the dept manager said it is so nice not having any drama or tension, I am glad I am working with you today. Our store manager has been transferred to Modesto...we don't know who will take over, in the meantime, the assistant store manager will be acting as manager after Sunday. Just hanging in there, counting the days until next Wednesday is over.

Brandywine,

I'm so sorry that the visit to see your mom has caused you and your husband this kind of stress. I'm aware unfortunately, that there's no alternative in terms of transportation.

You know....at times I've been called upon my sister to go relief caregive in mom's home when a paid CG, is absent. The drive there is also rather far, in tons of traffic especially during the week. When I've had one of my insomniatic nights, whoah!
It's a real challenge for me just the drive there. I have tons of experience driving too. Even though I don't drive as much anymore, I still do a fair amount.

If your're saying you don't drive, at least that's the impression I get.
Then, you have your health challenges, plus having to take care of your husband.
Given all of this, I think you really have to weigh this out, because, not to forget,
this can become a safety issue. We do have to be realistic at times about our circumstances.

Could you send your mom a card? This way, at least she'll receive something from you. Yes, and I understand about the patient not being in the best mood, how frustrating for you. My mom is often just sleeping the entire time I'm there.
My sister on occasion has apologized about this. But I remind her, that this is what is happening now, no one's fault, at least I don't want to go there. For me, it is what it is.

Do you follow any kind of spiritual practices? It could be meditation, chanting, prayer. If you do, just try sending lots of love to your mom. When I've heard that someone is ill, which recently happened, I chant.

Anyway, my dear, try to rest. You did a wonderful thing, no matter what.
You and your's are in my thoughts.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux