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Well, I asked a question a while back on fixing the bathroom for a walk in shower ( no steps) and got great advice. So, I talked to my grandpa over the few months and he liked the idea, until it came to the money part!! Hes so darn stubborn he doesn't want to use his money on him which will help HIM LIVE LONGER AND BETTER! So from all of your answers, peoples questions I looked up those portable showers and I fell in love with the idea!! That's great for my dad as well in the near future, my dad liked it too. Well, the price -his mouth dropped even for the $600 one, but said" If I had the money I would buy it" Yeah!! So when I work, I will get it for my dad!! Of course he said "I'd prefer a female nurse to bathe me " -- he said it with a little grin and eyebrow lift--lol


My grandpas reaction?" Oh My God. your trying to spend money and waste it when Im trying to save money for you all... yada yada" well, I interrupted and said" If you would like the ease, comfort, no chance of slipping and living longer and safer at least ( because of no falls) you HAVE the money its YOUR money". He got upset and told me he can just use a washcloth hes fine" Ugghh!!!! Then I continued telling him I can fit it n his Kitchen or in front of his bathroom ( need the sink for drainage) and I can take it apart no one will know"

He gets mad and says " you do enough for me down here and up there, and you need a job, your not doing heavy manual labor etc"( ha once in a great while I get a thank of sorts - its nice to hear- of course other times he says such and such person goes above and beyond what do I do- so I soak in the compliment ) I said" Grandpa, its PVC pipe, little mat to hold the water and a light shower curtain I can easily put away, not heavy.. hence..portable.." He yelled at me said no, he has no money etc!!! Uggh he does have the money!! I told him when I get a job its the first thing Im buying him!! He said" The he*& you will" NO!!! I wont use it!!!" gaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

So on to the next issue of the day, my son has his new ADHD patch on, 2nd day...its raining and he wants to play outside, (yes he has to wear it summer because of violence, impulsiveness,ODD etc) low dose not working yet.. hopefully it will kick in soon or if not working it has to be adjusted!

Im hanging in here, scared about health but am going! But overall, its raining which relaxes me a little and I am just going to catch up on cleaning.. lots of cleaning lol. Thanks again everyone, this forum does stay stuck in my head even while Im laying there at night. The threads I read and may not respond to is important to me and I want to help, but because I dont know what to say or haven't been through it, I don't respond. I hope everyone finds some peace and good health. Im trying!!!
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Margeaux, Im glad your mom still has her routine- that is good!

sharynmarie- Good luck!!! Let us know what she thinks!
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Linda22- Hopefully you have some better days coming up :) And thank you for sharing about your daughter, Im glad she got the help and is doing good now!!

emjo23-Poor kitty, hes determined! Im glad hes improving and yes, we been there with a stray the whole block took in, ( years ago) mainly us. He made it but it took him a while to bounce back. I am serious about going, Im really scared.

gladimhere- sorry again about your ex mil. Also as bad as I feel for kids not to have a huge party instead of a cake at home and thats it, it can be a relief when we get a break!

sharynmarie- thank you as well for sharing, and Im glad your doing good since then! I hope if I do, its early enough..Also on the music I think Countrymouse has a great idea, test some out before you buy or download anything. I wish you luck.( I love the oldies myself, actually everything but Jazz) Maybe your mom would like new types of music too?
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Thank you ladies. I appreciate the feed back. Yes concern is that my sister has no problem spending my mom's money on things that are nonessential. I don't ever remember my mother listening much to music...my dad did all the time. However, I don't want to deprive mom of something that may give her pleasure or comfort. I saw a portable CD player on amazon...I will order it and look for a CD.....Bing. Crosby or Eddie Arnold and see how she responds to it. Thank you all again...you have helped.
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Sharynmarie,

I realize that your opposition to your sister's idea concerning the music for your mom....is based on history. I've heard that it may stimulate an elderly person's brain. What I think it could do for your mom, is bring her something positive, even in her condition. Who knows it may even put her in a good mood.

Sure, it doesn't have to be the most expensive equipment to do this, either.
If you're stressing over the amount of money sister wants to spend, well that's one issue, because I do remember the air conditioning story. However, if you feel it just may give your mother some pleasure.....I would definitely consider this to be money spent for the care of your mom.

Recently, when I was at mom's, my sister told me that she didn't know why mom
still wears a bra, at 92. I didn't respond anything to this. However I felt, "well, if she feels like wearing one, and she still can put it on, good for her." Besides, my mom was always a very neat and conservative woman. This to me demonstrates a routine, that mom still relates to. I mean all she does nowadays, is eat, sleep, and sit in front of a tv. Sure, the caregivers make decisions for them. But even if we sometimes feel they're not going to relate, I still think we should give them the opportunity to have a small bit of something of their own. There's not harm done if a 92 yr. old still wants to wear a bra. There's nothing wrong, with you providing some music, and if it may bring some peace and a bit of joy for your mom, well I say that's a good thing.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sharyn,
We have an iPad here. I have downloaded Sound of Music and Singing in the Rain. Mom loves to watch the movies. But some things about the ease of use cause problems, including the touch screen. Mom will point at something while watching, well then the movie stops. Then to get it started again she needs help. The screen is tapped at random nearly constantly who knows where she may end up. If you want it for the music I would just get her a decent music system, table top variety. That way it is much easier to monitor mom's activity. Or a tape deck that will keep replaying over and over and over again.
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Sharyn could you perhaps borrow a music system - doesn't have to be an iPod, of course - and see if you get any response from your mother? I doubt if her kind of music would be either your or your sister's favourite! - I should try the oldies and goodies from her own era, whatever was in the equivalent of the charts when she was a teen.

And, also of course, you don't have to sit around and wait for your mother to start, er, acting normal!!! But either your mother will love it and it might be worth getting her a modest system of her own; or she'll ignore it and you can tell sis you tried?
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Sis heard a report about how music helpful with alzieimer's/dementia patients. It can bring them out of their world and they will start singing,. tapping their feet or hands to the beat. In some cases, after removing the earphones, the patient can engage in a short conversation. The patients I have seen videos of are much more advanced than my mother, no longer talking or walking...usually they spend their days in a wheelchair with heads down and eyes closed.

My sis is now all gung ho on buying an Ipod for mom....and of course she wants me to down load the music from the internet.

Of course I am opposed to this for several reasons...1)mom's money should be used only for her care 2)I do not believe my mom has or ever had the emotional capacity to respond to music that would be beneficial to her now 3)I do not have the time to download music or even look for the type of music my mother likes and legally pay for it or have my mother pay for it 4) I do not want to argue with my sister about the type of music...we already disagree about that.5)I do not think it would work with the stage our mom is currently in....she is still mobile...still communicates and (selfishly yes)....do you really want mom to even have a few moments of being her real self???...are you prepared for the verbal barrage??
Any comments or suggestions I would appreciate!!
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Me100~Please go to your dr...it is very important as you want to be there for your children. I had a bad pap result back in my 30's. It came back with pre-cancerous cells. The dr did a procedure where they froze my cervix. I have been fine since.
Glad~Your sis...always scheming to be the center of attention...shame on her and happy your children are otherwise busy with the priority.
Linda22~So sorry you are going through this with your mother...frustrating I know. You can only do what you can do....don't sweat her hearing and vision issues...not life threatening and you can't control what she wants. just focus on what you can do for her.
Joan~ I hope Rocky continues to improve...poor kitty, he has been through quite an ordeal. Keep taking care of yourself. Gordie was a special soul and he is looking down watching over you.
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Just one story about narc counselor sis and the death of my ex MIL. Well, you all may remember the big to do about the July birthday party since sis has one as do two of my kiddos and one grand baby. Sis wanted a party so bad, trying to get three grown children and spouses, all with lives of their own together for even an hour is close to impossible. They had mentioned doing it tomorrow. So last week first thing Monday morning narc sis decided to email everybody about a party tomorrow. The day before, MIL went into the hospital following a stroke and heart attack on Saturday. When I received sissy's email I gave her the benefit of the doubt (wont be doing that again any time soon) that she just did not know about MIL. My mistake, she had been told the day before, by my daughter, and how grave MIL's chances were. But she sends an email inviting all to a party anyway. I responded to the email to tell her about MIL and that planning a party should probably wait. Of course I did not receive a reply. I continue to be completely appalled by some of the things she does! Oh, and there is not a party tomorrow. Kids are helping ex to clean out MIL's apartment. Then back to work for all of them as school is getting ready to start here. Phew, appears I am off the hook this time.
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linda22 - sorry I left you out - my mother is the other way -wants her hearing aids checked and rechecked and tells people she has ailments that she doesn't have, like a heart condition, and goes to the ER, but denies the ones she does have (BPD, paranoia and dementia). :eye roll!!!:
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another drive by - woke up nauseated, and dizzy this morning, bloated and gassy. Think it was a candida flare up with all that was going on and what I ate yesterday prob didn't help. Anyway. drank lots of water, had a Tums, went back to sleep and felt better when I woke up. Eating more carefully today and tired but alright.

Poor Rocky the cat is blind in one eye and being force fed and injected with fluids under the skin, His blood urea is approaching normal - it was off the scale - but he isn't interested in eating. Tomorrow they will bring him home and continue the force feeding and fluid injections and hope that he will return to normal eating and drinking. I feel badly for him and them all.

Me - I hope you are serious abut getting to a doc. If nothing else, and there are other things, your son needs you healthy. All that nonsense about apptmts -not your fault.

glad and others - look after your health. You cant afford not to!!!

christine - making progress -awesome

margeaux - co dependency indeed. You are wise to draw some boundaries

cm -saw something on another thread - hope your mum's guts are OK. I think a lot of people could benefit from taking probiotics

loo - glad you had some support - breath deep -getting through it

Sharyn - Yay about your vacay! Those babies are hanging in there. Sorry about your mum's decline. I know it is hard to see. It is NOT your fault

book - sounds like you are doing OK.

Jessie, boni, Me, - and those who posted on my wall - I will get back to you thx for the support. I think he is beautiful, but then I am his mum. One of his high school friends posted that he had the biggest heart and the kindest smile. He was very generous and his smile lit up the room. He beamed love and kindness when he smiled. I miss that smile probably more than anything, and the hugs and him singing in the hall when he came down for coffee in the morning. My father has a Welsh great baritone and so did Gordie - the only one who inherited it. I think of the Wordsworth poem called Lucy, "She lived unknown, and few could know When Lucy ceased to be; But she is in her grave, and oh, The difference to me!"

anyone and everyone else - Hi - don't mean to leave anyone out -just not functioning on all cylinders these days. This too will pass.

Be good to you!
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Me1000, thx for the good vibes, but unfortunately there's a hugely dysfunctional dynamic at play here. Mom has always been very vain and refused to accept any health changes. She is currently telling everyone she is fine, takes one pill and can live in IL but we won't let her. So she doesn't tell us of ANY changes, ie not being able to read for over a year, hearing loss or anything else because that will stymie her on getting into her own apartment. She'll never wear hear aids because of the vanity and I'm curious to see if she'll go back to wearing glasses (which I think will be the next action because her eye is so weak). Fortunately her eye doc is a dear friend of mine so he understands I haven't been negligent, just not informed.

Me1000, my daughter was where you are now, she did get in to the doctor's, they caught things in time, was treated, finished her college and got on with her life. That was nearly 5 years ago. I know it's scary but please go in, for you and your kids.
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Linda22- I understand about your mom putting off getting her hearing checked! My grandfathers TV could be heard a house down, and we were always yelling, then he'd get mad and say" Why are you yelling"!!! Uggh! Well after a couple years, more actually he has hearing aids and actually loves them! Hopefully your mom will go soon. Good luck I know its hard to care for them while they wont let us. Maybe if you let your mom think its HER idea to go?

Countrymouse- Oh wow, why do Dr's do that? How long has it been since you went? Im not waiting, Im scared. I will be honest and say Im one of those people who fear death. Sounds weird when I haven't gotten checked, but its true. I plan on living into my 90's!!! Ok, my goal was 100.Im going to the Dr no matter what.

gladimhere- my son is 8yrs old. So its been over 8 years since I been there. Hopefully you can get your followups, as everyone here, and I believe you told me, you have to find a way to go. We can all do this some how some way right? Yes thats true about not making money to do things we need!

Thank you to both
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ME, how old is your son? Yes, you need to see a doctor. I do not have health insurance either which scares me. Cannot afford it, yet would not meet eligibility requirements for Medicaid. I have two procedures that were to be followed up on last year. I at least had insurance then, but not the time or deductible amounts to get them done.

This is sure not the way to make any money to pay for these necessary things!
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Me1000, I haven't bothered with smear tests since it took the NHS 6 weeks to get back to me and... tell me I had thrush. Gee thanks for that, I thought. BUT you have reason to get checked out. Get down to your nearest clinic and get checked. DO IT. Do not ignore this.

Linda, snap. Teeth-clenchingly frustrating - I always end up feeling that strangling mine would be the only answer! (Don't worry I won't. Probably.)

LooLoo, one of those weird coincidences - I just got off the phone to a similarly distant relative - she's actually my mother's cousin, but it's one of those family structures where the generations slip so she's closer to my age. I didn't get to know her for many years, and since she won't touch the internet or Skype and lives in Mass. it's still not easy, but I really do value her. I don't think you have to live in each other's pockets to appreciate the good things - like an encouraging comment now and again.
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I'm frustrated today. Mom has vision and hearing issues going on and she's just ignoring them so it's hard for me to get them taken care of. Her hearing is getting worse but she won't even discuss hearing aids. I was supposed to work with her on getting the correct strength of "cheater" glasses at the drugstore before her appointment.but she won't even test out her current ones so I have a baseline. So I'm taking the old ones and letting the doc sort it out. She can't see her cell phone very well but won't change to one with bigger buttons. I throw it off as much as I can. But it makes me frustrated that I can't do my job caring for her properly, that her quality of life is so diminished because she's so unwilling to acknowledge any change in health.
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Well, Im having a bad day again. When do I not I guess? Well, to get to the point, Im having a personal health issue. As I mentioned before I have no health insurance and even when I had been tempted to just run up a Dr bill, I chickened out because after my son was born, something happened and I didnt want to be touched by anyone for any reason.

So I was diagnosed with HPV cancer strain and haven't been back since. Now, Im bleeding in between mother nature and am panicking. So besides that stress, Im having my son being wild, kids are fighting and my grandpa is upset Im not running down. Well, Im having another or the same acid reflux attack too and I told my dad unless my grandpa falls, he needs to keep popping in on him until I go down for the night. I have to breathe- have to rest. Im making calls for a Dr for me as we speak.

So, I just needed to chat and really need to take my mind off of me and see what I can do to help anyone here. I hope everyone is doing well.
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Sharynmarie,

Congratulations about your vacation. Sometimes, if we give it a little time, maybe things just work themselves out. Try not to stress about feeling guilty about your mom. When there is only one other person, such as yourself stepping in at the level you do, give yourself some slack, or you'll drive yourself nuts.

Yes, my sister has co-dependency written on her forehead! She has it w/the beau, also w/her daughers, and mother. Another feature with her is the fact that eventually she bad mouths everyone to one another. Then somehow.....she expects everyone to be a big happy family. How does that happen, when she does this?

I'm sorry that your mom's mini evaluation was hard for you.
My sister and brother recently took mom to our childhood home.
She didn't remember the house whatsoever. They had to explain where they were. When my sister told her that's where she lived with my dad and us, she had to remind her who dad was. There's no memory about him.
But........later they took her to lunch. As they were eating, mom said, "This used to be one of your aunt's favorite restaurant's," even mentioned her by name,
(the battle ax). I told my sister, "Wow, a bad weed never dies." HAAH!

O.K., take a breather, those babies are around the bend.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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P.S. -- Not to sound like I didn't really appreciate her email though! I really did!!! They're very sweet and thoughtful people.
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CM, yes -- She's the wife of my cousin (so she's my cousin by marriage). My cousin's mother is my aunt, who is my mother's sister/my aunt - 7 years older than my mother, she's 91 now, and also w/dementia. My aunt's kids are probably 20 years older than I am, and lived across the country my whole life, so I never really had a relationship with them. Just brief visits now and then. Lol, my family is SO not close, for many reasons. Dysfunction in my immediate family, distance, different generations, etc.
Anyway, they've been doing long distance care-giving as well. They live in Ohio, and cousin's mother/my mother's sister/my aunt lives in Florida.
I'd love to be able to talk with them more, commiserate a bit, but except for some brief, occasional emails, that's about the extent of our correspondence. We had one phone call a few months ago when they thought my aunt might be close to death, and it was awkward. They were extremely anxious, unhappy, and unprepared about having to deal with things. Which I understand to some extent, but I don't have patience for people who don't 'man up' and handle things when things NEED to be done, and my own situation with my mother just seemed to put them over the edge, anxiety-wise. We weren't much comfort to each other, I'm afraid. So I appreciate their thoughts, and send them mine, and that's about it.
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Looloo I LOVE that distant relative who emailed you. If she recognised that you were having a rough day, she's clearly wise to the situation. Hugs.
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looloo- just read your update, well, I guess it will take some time for your mom getting used to not having the car. Hopefully you will have a better day today with your health and relaxation!
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camaryllis- Im glad things are a little better for you and Charles! Sleep is good!As for your dads diet, I agree, at least hes eating. Im also glad the NH was a good one! And yes, always a great idea to be able to bring the dog, animals are wonderful for therapy and the animals win because the get extra attention! Your dad will be happy the dog can go!

sharynmarie- Pharmacies sometimes confuse me too! Its taking forever it seems for my sons meds!( two weeks so far) Anyways, Im glad your vacation should be approved, sounds wonderful, have lots of fun!! Plus I hope your store stays open for you :)

looloo, well, at least your mom will be safe now and am also glad you have another home care worker coming in.

emjo23- Im glad the cat is doing better today and Im sending lots of birthday wishes for your grandson!!
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Again, I have to regain my equilibrium after being thrown off balance again yesterday. Recap--told my mother (over the phone) we'd be "finding her car a good home." She acted completely surprised by this, although it's been 2 months of epic drama. Then she seemed relatively ok and compliant. I hung up feeling ok about things, enough so that I had a bit of compassion for her.
I got an email from a distant relative who said she was thinking about me because of the "rough day I must have had." I though "Oh, no, what did she hear?" Her husband happened to call my mother that afternoon, and I assume she threw herself quite a pity party. I spent the evening dodging her phone calls and messages, frantically asking me WHEN I'd be bringing the car back because she NEEDS it. Sigh. I know her confusion is the disease, but her opposition and defiance is not. I'm going to continue to avoid, avoid, avoid, and keep doing what I need to do. What a GRIND.
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quick drive by - the cat is better. He sat up a little today and went to his litter box. My daughter and fam. came home this morning and we all visited this afternoon. The cat took a flake of tuna from my daughter's hand and a drop of tuna juice. His blood work is looking better and better. He is very wobbly and tires easily, understandably. The vet is very surprised and pleased how well he is doing. I just didn't need another death this time of year. - even a pet. Went home and finally had a few tears of relief. Had choc hazelnut coconut milk ice cream, smoked oysters and fresh corn for supper. lol What was there. Tomorrow is youngest grandson's b'day so I will take some stuff over for that and visit the cat again.
Today the lad downstairs was doing a job we asked him to complete. I haven't seen any rent money yet, but seeing the end of him will be a big relief. He has been moving his stuff out.
I had ordered clothing for mother and one lot is on the way and the other lot was delayed, but now in transit. Got to send her tax documents soon and do mine.
Hope life will get back to whatever normal is soon. G is still away and that is good for me. I have been doing very little (except the cat stuff) and am getting past the tired.
Have a good one everyone,
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Thanks Glad!! I am so happy too because we have been planning this since January.

We have one woman out right now...don't know for how long. "A" was so stressed out again today because she had been working by herself for 4 hours before I came in at 12:30. I was thinking, why stress...I am by myself from 4:00 pm until 9:00pm everyday I work. But we are all different in how we deal with it. 1) I learned a long time ago that I am only one person with 2 hands, 2) I am working as fast as I can and doing as much as I can 3) I am not responsible for filling in the gaps that management does not want to fill. The only thing I am concerned about....is if corporate is planning on closing this store. There is no guarantee we can all be placed in others stores. When I first started with this company 6 years ago, I started at another Tracy store. I worked there for 3 1/2 years...the rumor was that if any Tracy store was closed, it would be the one I am at now. Time will tell.
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SM, great about your vacation and your special upcoming arrival.

Loo, funny, when I have thought of you recently I wonder how that car challenge is coming.
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Hi everyone, hope your day is treating you all well.
So, after a week of quiet -- no phone calls, no crises -- I had been debating whether to risk breaking the spell, and giving my mother a call. I knew I would need to eventually. We will be selling her car tonight, and although it's no longer relevant to my mother's well-being, I felt badly knowing that we were doing something like this without her knowledge/acceptance. Which is of course, hard to predict, and very hard to measure. I don't know from day to day how much she really understands, and depending on her mood, she could either seem accepting, or very defiant.
But I had to call her, in order to let her know of a second home care person who'll be coming on Saturdays (so she'll have transportation 3 days a week -- not too shabby).
She acted like this was the first she'd hear about losing her license. I was nervous that I'd have to rehash the whole 2 months over again, but this time at least, she seemed accepting, when I told her her car 'would go to a good home.' I felt much better after telling her -- like I could sell it now with a clearer conscience. It's silly-like I said, these things are no longer relevant, but old habits die hard.
Oh--And I have to smile at her b.s. comment -- when she realized it was me on the phone, she said "I've been thinking about you! Where's MY CAR??" Thanks, Mom! I know how often you 'think of me.' (eye roll).
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Oops posted too soon.

I work 6 days next week with only weds. Off which is filled with appts for me and mom. 2 people will be taking some much needed time off. It looks like they will approve my vacation, YAY!!
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