
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
My grandpas reaction?" Oh My God. your trying to spend money and waste it when Im trying to save money for you all... yada yada" well, I interrupted and said" If you would like the ease, comfort, no chance of slipping and living longer and safer at least ( because of no falls) you HAVE the money its YOUR money". He got upset and told me he can just use a washcloth hes fine" Ugghh!!!! Then I continued telling him I can fit it n his Kitchen or in front of his bathroom ( need the sink for drainage) and I can take it apart no one will know"
He gets mad and says " you do enough for me down here and up there, and you need a job, your not doing heavy manual labor etc"( ha once in a great while I get a thank of sorts - its nice to hear- of course other times he says such and such person goes above and beyond what do I do- so I soak in the compliment ) I said" Grandpa, its PVC pipe, little mat to hold the water and a light shower curtain I can easily put away, not heavy.. hence..portable.." He yelled at me said no, he has no money etc!!! Uggh he does have the money!! I told him when I get a job its the first thing Im buying him!! He said" The he*& you will" NO!!! I wont use it!!!" gaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!
So on to the next issue of the day, my son has his new ADHD patch on, 2nd day...its raining and he wants to play outside, (yes he has to wear it summer because of violence, impulsiveness,ODD etc) low dose not working yet.. hopefully it will kick in soon or if not working it has to be adjusted!
Im hanging in here, scared about health but am going! But overall, its raining which relaxes me a little and I am just going to catch up on cleaning.. lots of cleaning lol. Thanks again everyone, this forum does stay stuck in my head even while Im laying there at night. The threads I read and may not respond to is important to me and I want to help, but because I dont know what to say or haven't been through it, I don't respond. I hope everyone finds some peace and good health. Im trying!!!
sharynmarie- Good luck!!! Let us know what she thinks!
emjo23-Poor kitty, hes determined! Im glad hes improving and yes, we been there with a stray the whole block took in, ( years ago) mainly us. He made it but it took him a while to bounce back. I am serious about going, Im really scared.
gladimhere- sorry again about your ex mil. Also as bad as I feel for kids not to have a huge party instead of a cake at home and thats it, it can be a relief when we get a break!
sharynmarie- thank you as well for sharing, and Im glad your doing good since then! I hope if I do, its early enough..Also on the music I think Countrymouse has a great idea, test some out before you buy or download anything. I wish you luck.( I love the oldies myself, actually everything but Jazz) Maybe your mom would like new types of music too?
I realize that your opposition to your sister's idea concerning the music for your mom....is based on history. I've heard that it may stimulate an elderly person's brain. What I think it could do for your mom, is bring her something positive, even in her condition. Who knows it may even put her in a good mood.
Sure, it doesn't have to be the most expensive equipment to do this, either.
If you're stressing over the amount of money sister wants to spend, well that's one issue, because I do remember the air conditioning story. However, if you feel it just may give your mother some pleasure.....I would definitely consider this to be money spent for the care of your mom.
Recently, when I was at mom's, my sister told me that she didn't know why mom
still wears a bra, at 92. I didn't respond anything to this. However I felt, "well, if she feels like wearing one, and she still can put it on, good for her." Besides, my mom was always a very neat and conservative woman. This to me demonstrates a routine, that mom still relates to. I mean all she does nowadays, is eat, sleep, and sit in front of a tv. Sure, the caregivers make decisions for them. But even if we sometimes feel they're not going to relate, I still think we should give them the opportunity to have a small bit of something of their own. There's not harm done if a 92 yr. old still wants to wear a bra. There's nothing wrong, with you providing some music, and if it may bring some peace and a bit of joy for your mom, well I say that's a good thing.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
We have an iPad here. I have downloaded Sound of Music and Singing in the Rain. Mom loves to watch the movies. But some things about the ease of use cause problems, including the touch screen. Mom will point at something while watching, well then the movie stops. Then to get it started again she needs help. The screen is tapped at random nearly constantly who knows where she may end up. If you want it for the music I would just get her a decent music system, table top variety. That way it is much easier to monitor mom's activity. Or a tape deck that will keep replaying over and over and over again.
And, also of course, you don't have to sit around and wait for your mother to start, er, acting normal!!! But either your mother will love it and it might be worth getting her a modest system of her own; or she'll ignore it and you can tell sis you tried?
My sis is now all gung ho on buying an Ipod for mom....and of course she wants me to down load the music from the internet.
Of course I am opposed to this for several reasons...1)mom's money should be used only for her care 2)I do not believe my mom has or ever had the emotional capacity to respond to music that would be beneficial to her now 3)I do not have the time to download music or even look for the type of music my mother likes and legally pay for it or have my mother pay for it 4) I do not want to argue with my sister about the type of music...we already disagree about that.5)I do not think it would work with the stage our mom is currently in....she is still mobile...still communicates and (selfishly yes)....do you really want mom to even have a few moments of being her real self???...are you prepared for the verbal barrage??
Any comments or suggestions I would appreciate!!
Glad~Your sis...always scheming to be the center of attention...shame on her and happy your children are otherwise busy with the priority.
Linda22~So sorry you are going through this with your mother...frustrating I know. You can only do what you can do....don't sweat her hearing and vision issues...not life threatening and you can't control what she wants. just focus on what you can do for her.
Joan~ I hope Rocky continues to improve...poor kitty, he has been through quite an ordeal. Keep taking care of yourself. Gordie was a special soul and he is looking down watching over you.
Poor Rocky the cat is blind in one eye and being force fed and injected with fluids under the skin, His blood urea is approaching normal - it was off the scale - but he isn't interested in eating. Tomorrow they will bring him home and continue the force feeding and fluid injections and hope that he will return to normal eating and drinking. I feel badly for him and them all.
Me - I hope you are serious abut getting to a doc. If nothing else, and there are other things, your son needs you healthy. All that nonsense about apptmts -not your fault.
glad and others - look after your health. You cant afford not to!!!
christine - making progress -awesome
margeaux - co dependency indeed. You are wise to draw some boundaries
cm -saw something on another thread - hope your mum's guts are OK. I think a lot of people could benefit from taking probiotics
loo - glad you had some support - breath deep -getting through it
Sharyn - Yay about your vacay! Those babies are hanging in there. Sorry about your mum's decline. I know it is hard to see. It is NOT your fault
book - sounds like you are doing OK.
Jessie, boni, Me, - and those who posted on my wall - I will get back to you thx for the support. I think he is beautiful, but then I am his mum. One of his high school friends posted that he had the biggest heart and the kindest smile. He was very generous and his smile lit up the room. He beamed love and kindness when he smiled. I miss that smile probably more than anything, and the hugs and him singing in the hall when he came down for coffee in the morning. My father has a Welsh great baritone and so did Gordie - the only one who inherited it. I think of the Wordsworth poem called Lucy, "She lived unknown, and few could know When Lucy ceased to be; But she is in her grave, and oh, The difference to me!"
anyone and everyone else - Hi - don't mean to leave anyone out -just not functioning on all cylinders these days. This too will pass.
Be good to you!
Me1000, my daughter was where you are now, she did get in to the doctor's, they caught things in time, was treated, finished her college and got on with her life. That was nearly 5 years ago. I know it's scary but please go in, for you and your kids.
Countrymouse- Oh wow, why do Dr's do that? How long has it been since you went? Im not waiting, Im scared. I will be honest and say Im one of those people who fear death. Sounds weird when I haven't gotten checked, but its true. I plan on living into my 90's!!! Ok, my goal was 100.Im going to the Dr no matter what.
gladimhere- my son is 8yrs old. So its been over 8 years since I been there. Hopefully you can get your followups, as everyone here, and I believe you told me, you have to find a way to go. We can all do this some how some way right? Yes thats true about not making money to do things we need!
Thank you to both
This is sure not the way to make any money to pay for these necessary things!
Linda, snap. Teeth-clenchingly frustrating - I always end up feeling that strangling mine would be the only answer! (Don't worry I won't. Probably.)
LooLoo, one of those weird coincidences - I just got off the phone to a similarly distant relative - she's actually my mother's cousin, but it's one of those family structures where the generations slip so she's closer to my age. I didn't get to know her for many years, and since she won't touch the internet or Skype and lives in Mass. it's still not easy, but I really do value her. I don't think you have to live in each other's pockets to appreciate the good things - like an encouraging comment now and again.
So I was diagnosed with HPV cancer strain and haven't been back since. Now, Im bleeding in between mother nature and am panicking. So besides that stress, Im having my son being wild, kids are fighting and my grandpa is upset Im not running down. Well, Im having another or the same acid reflux attack too and I told my dad unless my grandpa falls, he needs to keep popping in on him until I go down for the night. I have to breathe- have to rest. Im making calls for a Dr for me as we speak.
So, I just needed to chat and really need to take my mind off of me and see what I can do to help anyone here. I hope everyone is doing well.
Congratulations about your vacation. Sometimes, if we give it a little time, maybe things just work themselves out. Try not to stress about feeling guilty about your mom. When there is only one other person, such as yourself stepping in at the level you do, give yourself some slack, or you'll drive yourself nuts.
Yes, my sister has co-dependency written on her forehead! She has it w/the beau, also w/her daughers, and mother. Another feature with her is the fact that eventually she bad mouths everyone to one another. Then somehow.....she expects everyone to be a big happy family. How does that happen, when she does this?
I'm sorry that your mom's mini evaluation was hard for you.
My sister and brother recently took mom to our childhood home.
She didn't remember the house whatsoever. They had to explain where they were. When my sister told her that's where she lived with my dad and us, she had to remind her who dad was. There's no memory about him.
But........later they took her to lunch. As they were eating, mom said, "This used to be one of your aunt's favorite restaurant's," even mentioned her by name,
(the battle ax). I told my sister, "Wow, a bad weed never dies." HAAH!
O.K., take a breather, those babies are around the bend.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Anyway, they've been doing long distance care-giving as well. They live in Ohio, and cousin's mother/my mother's sister/my aunt lives in Florida.
I'd love to be able to talk with them more, commiserate a bit, but except for some brief, occasional emails, that's about the extent of our correspondence. We had one phone call a few months ago when they thought my aunt might be close to death, and it was awkward. They were extremely anxious, unhappy, and unprepared about having to deal with things. Which I understand to some extent, but I don't have patience for people who don't 'man up' and handle things when things NEED to be done, and my own situation with my mother just seemed to put them over the edge, anxiety-wise. We weren't much comfort to each other, I'm afraid. So I appreciate their thoughts, and send them mine, and that's about it.
sharynmarie- Pharmacies sometimes confuse me too! Its taking forever it seems for my sons meds!( two weeks so far) Anyways, Im glad your vacation should be approved, sounds wonderful, have lots of fun!! Plus I hope your store stays open for you :)
looloo, well, at least your mom will be safe now and am also glad you have another home care worker coming in.
emjo23- Im glad the cat is doing better today and Im sending lots of birthday wishes for your grandson!!
I got an email from a distant relative who said she was thinking about me because of the "rough day I must have had." I though "Oh, no, what did she hear?" Her husband happened to call my mother that afternoon, and I assume she threw herself quite a pity party. I spent the evening dodging her phone calls and messages, frantically asking me WHEN I'd be bringing the car back because she NEEDS it. Sigh. I know her confusion is the disease, but her opposition and defiance is not. I'm going to continue to avoid, avoid, avoid, and keep doing what I need to do. What a GRIND.
Today the lad downstairs was doing a job we asked him to complete. I haven't seen any rent money yet, but seeing the end of him will be a big relief. He has been moving his stuff out.
I had ordered clothing for mother and one lot is on the way and the other lot was delayed, but now in transit. Got to send her tax documents soon and do mine.
Hope life will get back to whatever normal is soon. G is still away and that is good for me. I have been doing very little (except the cat stuff) and am getting past the tired.
Have a good one everyone,
We have one woman out right now...don't know for how long. "A" was so stressed out again today because she had been working by herself for 4 hours before I came in at 12:30. I was thinking, why stress...I am by myself from 4:00 pm until 9:00pm everyday I work. But we are all different in how we deal with it. 1) I learned a long time ago that I am only one person with 2 hands, 2) I am working as fast as I can and doing as much as I can 3) I am not responsible for filling in the gaps that management does not want to fill. The only thing I am concerned about....is if corporate is planning on closing this store. There is no guarantee we can all be placed in others stores. When I first started with this company 6 years ago, I started at another Tracy store. I worked there for 3 1/2 years...the rumor was that if any Tracy store was closed, it would be the one I am at now. Time will tell.
Loo, funny, when I have thought of you recently I wonder how that car challenge is coming.
So, after a week of quiet -- no phone calls, no crises -- I had been debating whether to risk breaking the spell, and giving my mother a call. I knew I would need to eventually. We will be selling her car tonight, and although it's no longer relevant to my mother's well-being, I felt badly knowing that we were doing something like this without her knowledge/acceptance. Which is of course, hard to predict, and very hard to measure. I don't know from day to day how much she really understands, and depending on her mood, she could either seem accepting, or very defiant.
But I had to call her, in order to let her know of a second home care person who'll be coming on Saturdays (so she'll have transportation 3 days a week -- not too shabby).
She acted like this was the first she'd hear about losing her license. I was nervous that I'd have to rehash the whole 2 months over again, but this time at least, she seemed accepting, when I told her her car 'would go to a good home.' I felt much better after telling her -- like I could sell it now with a clearer conscience. It's silly-like I said, these things are no longer relevant, but old habits die hard.
Oh--And I have to smile at her b.s. comment -- when she realized it was me on the phone, she said "I've been thinking about you! Where's MY CAR??" Thanks, Mom! I know how often you 'think of me.' (eye roll).
I work 6 days next week with only weds. Off which is filled with appts for me and mom. 2 people will be taking some much needed time off. It looks like they will approve my vacation, YAY!!